Baka-Tsuki - User contributions [en]

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 03

2007-03-03T09:03:45Z

71.36.84.183:

/3

The something'th morning after I woke up comes around. My eyes are still wrapped in bandages so I can't see a thing. 

A quiet morning with no one around. 

The wavelet-like silence is so dazzling that I lose my sense of self. 
-I can hear the chittering of little birds. 
-I can feel the warmth of the sunlight. 
-The clear air feels my lungs. 
-Ah. Compared to that world, this place is so beautiful. 

But, there's a self that's not happy with this. Everytime I'm wrapped in the morning air that I can only feel by sense, I just think: 

-They are this happy. 

Humans are loners like this. Being alone is safest, so how come we can't bear being along? 

The past me was complete. Because I was self-sufficient, I didn't need anyone else. But, I'm different now. I'm no longer complete. I'm waiting for a part I lack. I'm just desperately waiting like this. 

But just who am I waiting for... ? 

*** 

The lady doctor who called herself a counsellor came daily. Before I knew it I seemed to be treating my talks with her as my only relief during the course of every mundane day. 

"Hmm, as expected. It's not that SHIKI didn't have control over the body, it's just that he didn't exercise it. You two keep getting becoming more fascinating the more I hear about you." 

Still bringing the chair over and sitting there next to the bed, the lady doctor talks as if she's amused by something. For some reason she knows my circumstances very well: the dual personality that only a few even within the Ryougi family know about, my involvement in the serial killer case 2 years ago. Those details that normally I would have to keep hiding, but to me they are inconsequential events anyway. 

Before I knew it I was responding to the counsellor's light teasing. 

"There's nothing funny about having a dual personality." 

"No, no. You know, you two don't have anything as like to look at as dual personality disorder. Existing simultaneously, each having their own unique will, and on top of that your actions are coordinated. That sort of complex personality shouldn't be termed dual personality but instead be called an united independent personality." 

"United... independent personality?" 

"Yeah. Still, some questions remain. In that case there was no reason for SHIKI to stay asleep, but according to your story he was always sleeping. That part of it is a little strange." 

SHIKI who was always asleep. 

... I'm probably the only one who knows why. 

SHIKI, more than Shiki --- liked to dream. 

"So, is he still sleeping, that guy?" 

At the lady doctor words I don't reply. 

"So that's how it is. He did die. Two years ago during the accident, in your stead. 
That's why you have an omission in your memory. Since he's dead those memories won't be coming back... How Ryougi Shiki was associated with the street serial killer, with this that knowledge has truely disappeared into the darkness." 

"That event. They said that the criminal was never caught." 

"Yeah. After your accident the criminal disappeared as if he were a lie." 

I wonder to what point that is true, the lady doctor said with a laugh. 

"However, there was no reason for SHIKI-kun to disappear. If he just stayed asleep ignoring the world outside, Shiki would have disappeared. For some reason he must have wish for himself to disappear." 

That kind of thing, even if she asks me I don't have any answers. 

"I don't know. More importantly, did you bring the scissors?" 

"Ah, as expected I couldn't. You have a history so any potential weapons are strictly forbidden." 

The lady doctor's words are according to my expectations. Whether or not it was due to the daily rehab exercises, my body has recovered to the point where I can move easily by myself. They said that I am the first to recover so quickly with just a few minutes of exercise twice a day. 

As a celebration of sorts I asked the lady doctor for a pair of scissors. 

"But what are you going to use a pair of scissors for? Planning to do some flower arrangements?" 

"As if, I just want to cut my hair." 

That's why. Now that I can move my body, my hair that reaches my back has become inconvenient. Hair that bounces around from my neck and flows down to my shoulders is pretty annoying. 

"Then you can call a hairdresser. If you find it difficult to talk should I call one for you?" 

"No thanks. Another person touching my hair? I don't even want to think about it." 

"That's right. To a woman her hair is her life. The fact that your hairs grown while you are the same as you were two years ago is a wonderful thing." 

I can hear the lady doctor standing up. 

"So shall I give you this instead? It's a stone carved with a rune, it should do the same thing as a charm. I'll put it over your doorway so be careful not to lose it to anyone." 

It seems that the lady doctor used her chair to place the charms or whatever it was over the door. 

And just like that she opens the door. 

"Then, that's it for me. Someone else might come from tomorrow, so stay well." 

Talking in a strange roundabout manner the lady doctor left. 

*** 

That night the guest that always came to visit didn't appear. The smoke-like ghost that appears without failure at midnight, for some reason it didn't enter the room. 

The smoke was coming every night and touching me. 

I know that that is dangerous, but I just leave it alone. If that ghost gets angry at me and tries to kill me that's okay too. 

No, rather, how comfortable would it be if it just killed me. 

For me who cannot even feel that I'm alive, there is no reason to keep living. Instead it would be easier to just disappear. 

In the darkness I try touching the bandage covering my eyes. 

My sight will soon come back. In that case I will completely ruin my eyes this time around. 

I can't see it now but if I fully recover it will be visible again. If I'm going to see '''that''' world again I don't need something like these eyes. Even if destroying my eyes means I will be unable to see the world on this side of that divide, it's still better than that. 

But until that moment I am unable to act. 

The Shiki of before would have destroyed her eyes without any hesitation, the current me is stopping at achieving a temporary darkness. 

--- it's so, pitiful. 

While I have no will to live, I don't even have any will to die. This emotionless self of mine doesn't feel an attraction towards any action. I can only affirm another's will. 

So if that un-identifiable smoke tries to kill me I have no thoughts no stopping it. 

The thought of death holds no attractions for me but I don't feel like resisting it either. 

Because... Happiness or sadness, if they are things I could only obtain as Ryougi Shiki... 

Then the present me has no reason to live on.

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 02

2007-03-03T08:55:34Z

71.36.84.183:

It's now the next day. 

The fact that even I who can't see can tell the arrival of the morning is a small but satisfying discovery. Little things like that are a cause for joy. While I wondered why they made me happy my morning check-up began and ended before I knew it. 

It wasn't very quiet in the afternoon, because my mother and brother came to visit me. Our conversation wasn't very smooth as they felt like strangers to me. With no alternatives I answered their questions according to Shiki's memories, as a result of which my mother went home with an easy mind. 

Everything was funny because it seemed like I was acting. 

*** 

When the evening came around the counselor showed up. 

The woman who initially introduced herself as a speech therapist as so bright and cheerful that I couldn't see any depth to her personality. 

I've never heard of a case where a doctor greeted a patient with the words "Hi, how have you been?" 

"Oh, I thought you would be all emaciated but the vibrance of your skin is no joke. You know, when I first heard your story I pictured something along the lines of a ghost under a cherry tree so I didn't really feel like coming. But hey, you are a cute a lady along my line a fancy so it's my lucky day!" 

The woman who I reckon to be in her late twenties judging by her voice sits down in the chair next to the bed I'm lying in. 

"Pleased to meet you. I'm the speech therapist who is to help you get over your Aphasia. I'm not a resident doctor here so I don't have any ID, but I guess it won't be a problem since you can't see anyway." 

"--- Aphasia? Me?" 

After finally getting a reply the doctor goes oho and I got the feeling she nodded her head as well. 

"There you go, it's normal to show anger. After all Aphasia isn't a very good image and in your case it's a misdiagnoses. Asika-kun is a text-book doctor so he's a bit weak when it comes to special cases like yours. Even so you are being naughty. People are getting such misconceptions because you can't be bothered answering them." 

The woman smiles as if she is great friends with me. --- It was totally my own opinion but I decided then and there that this was a person who wore glasses. 

"So they think I have Aphasia." 

"Yeah, since you did hurt your brain in the accident they are wondering if your speech circuits are damaged or something. However thats a misconception, the reason for your silence isn't physiological but psychological isn't it? So it's not Aphasia, just you being stubborn. In that case my role isn't needed but it feels bad to be cut before a minute has passed, and since my main job is idle for once I'll play with you for a bit." 

--- This is a useless act of kindness. 

I reach out for the button that calls the nurse, but the lady doctor quickly removes it from my reach. 

"... You." 

"Dangerous, dangerous. If you talk to Asika-kun now I'll be kicked out straight away. Anyway isn't this good? If you pretend to have Aphasia, you won't have to reply to useless questions. It's better this way right?" 

... That's correct. But who is this person that can say such things so boldly. 

I turn my bandaged eyes towards the unknown lady doctor. 

"You are not a doctor are you?" 

"Nope, my main jobs a sorceress." 

That's so absurd I let out a sigh. 

"I don't have any business with a sorceress." 

"Ahahaha, that's correct. A magician can't fix that hole in your chest. The only thing that can fill it is a normal person." 

"--- a hole, in my chest ---?" 

"Yeah, you should be feeling it. That you are alone now." 

The lady doctor smothers a laugh and stands up. I can hear her arranging the chairs and her footsteps as she goes out. 

"I think it's still too early so let's leave it at this for now. I'll come again tomorrow, bye!" 

After appearing so abruptly, she leaves just as abruptly. 

I touch my lips with the right hand that I have difficulty moving. 

Now... Alone... 

A hole... in my chest... 

--- Oh, how can this be. 

Oh no, I hadn't realized. 

No one. No matter where I call he's not there. The existence called Ryougi SHIKI that existed within Ryougi Shiki has disappeared without a trace. 

Shiki was a dual personality disorder sufferer who possessed another personality within herself. Inside the Ryougi family children with two personalities were born genetically. That which would be shunned in a normal family was instead celebrated as being the traits of a transcendent being and the bearers were treated as the true heirs of the family. 

... Shiki inherited that blood. It was the reason Shiki went past her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family. 

But this kind of thing doesn't happen very often. 

Two personalities --- Yang affinity males and Yin affinity females, between those the leadership of the Yang affinity male is usually stronger. Among the few true Ryougi heirs till now, all had been born as men and had female personalities inside. But due to some mistake Shiki was the reverse of the norm. 

Inside the female Shiki was included the male SHIKI. 

The one with dominance over the body was the female Shiki --- me. 

SHIKI was my minus face, he contained my suppressed emotions. Shiki grew up suppressing the darkness called SHIKI. Time after time she killed the self called SHIKI and lived pretending to be normal. SHIKI didn't seem to have any complaints about that. After being asleep inside of me he woke up for things like sword training and took charge while complaining as if it was annoying. 

... It might seem like a master/servant relationship but the reality wasn't like that. In the end Shiki and SHIKI are one person, so Shiki's actions are SHIKI's, and SHIKI suppressing his own fancies was also Shiki's wish as well. 

... Yes, SHIKI was a murderer. As far as I know he had no experience at it but, he had a desire within him to kill those beings called humans that were the same organism as him. The dominant personality of Shiki ignored this, in short she forbid it. 

Shiki and SHIKI were inseparable beings although they ignored each other. Shiki was lonely but because of the self called SHIKI she wasn't alone. 

But the time came when that relationship would be destroyed. 

Two years ago --- when Shiki was a 1st year high school student. The season when for the first time SHIKI, who until then hadn't wanted to use the body, had asked to go out of his own volition. 

From there Shiki's memory is hazy. 

Right now I can't bring to mind any of Shiki's memories from 1st year of high school until I was involved in the accident. 

The thing I remember --- my shape standing at the site of the murder. More than that, there's an image that I can remember even more clearly than that. 

The classroom burning red in the light of the sunset. 

The one who destroyed Shiki, my classmate. 

The boy, that Shiki wanted to kill. 

The piece of normality, that Shiki wanted to protect. 

I got the feeling that I knew this a long time ago. 

But the me that has woken from a long sleep, his name is the one thing I can't yet remember. 

*** 

Night falls, and the hospital grows quiet. 

Only the occasional sound of slippers echoing through the corridors makes me feel that I'm awake. 

Inside the darkness --- no because I'm in the darkness. The blind me, I take to heart the fact that I'm alone. If I was the previous Shiki, I wouldn't have had this kind of feeling. Shiki who had another self inside her. But SHIKI no longer exists. No --- I, I don't even know whether I'm Shiki or SHIKI. 

SHIKI had disappeared from inside me. With that along I am recognizing myself as Shiki. 

"Hic hic... What kind of contradiction is this. Not knowing which side one is if one side is missing." 

I try talking to myself but the emptiness in my chest doesn't even fill a little. Even just the thought that I am sad would have some change on this emotionless mind of mine. 

I won't be able to know. 

Since I am no one, I can't feel that Ryougi Shiki's memories are really mine. Even if the shell called Ryougi Shiki exists if the contents are washed away the shell has no meaning. .... Oh it hurts. What must go inside this empty cave? 

"--- I, will, go, in..." 

Suddenly I hear words like that. 

A movement of the air as if a door has opened. 

''It's probably my imagination'', with that I turn my shut eyes that way. 

There's --- something there. 

White smoke is blowing around. My eyes that shouldn't be able to see can see the shape of the smoke. The smoke strangely resembled a human, no it seemed as if a human lacked bones and was swaying in the wind like a sunflower. 

The unpleasant smoke comes straight at me. 

I can't move as I like yet so I just blankly waited for it. 

Even if this is a ghost, I'm not afraid. 

The really scary things have no shape. No matter how weird something is, if it has a form I can't be scared. 

And --- if it is a ghost, the current me may as well be the same. After all there's not much difference between a thing that isn't alive and me who has no reason to live. 

The smoke slapped me. 

My whole body and mind goes into overdrive. The chill that flows down my spine is as sharp as a bird's talons. 

It was an unpleasant sensation but I just dumbly sat there and watched. After touching me for ages, the smoke melted like a snail sprinkled with salt. 

The reason is simple. It's five hours since the smoke started touching me. It will soon be 5 o'clock. The ghost melted because it's now morning. 

Since I hadn't slept, I decided to go to sleep again from now.

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 02

2007-03-03T08:54:32Z

71.36.84.183:

It's now the next day. 

The fact that even I who can't see can tell the arrival of the morning is a small but satisfying discovery. Little things like that are a cause for joy. While I wondered why they made me happy my morning check-up began and ended before I knew it. 

It wasn't very quiet in the afternoon, because my mother and brother came to visit me. Our conversation wasn't very smooth as they felt like strangers to me. With no alternatives I answered their questions according to Shiki's memories, as a result of which my mother went home with an easy mind. 

Everything was funny because it seemed like I was acting. 

***

When the evening came around the counselor showed up. 

The woman who initially introduced herself as a speech therapist as so bright and cheerful that I couldn't see any depth to her personality. 

I've never heard of a case where a doctor greeted a patient with the words "Hi, how have you been?" 

"Oh, I thought you would be all emaciated but the vibrance of your skin is no joke. You know, when I first heard your story I pictured something along the lines of a ghost under a cherry tree so I didn't really feel like coming. But hey, you are a cute a lady along my line a fancy so it's my lucky day!" 

The woman who I reckon to be in her late twenties judging by her voice sits down in the chair next to the bed I'm lying in. 

"Pleased to meet you. I'm the speech therapist who is to help you get over your Aphasia. I'm not a resident doctor here so I don't have any ID, but I guess it won't be a problem since you can't see anyway." 

"--- Aphasia? Me?" 

After finally getting a reply the doctor goes oho and I got the feeling she nodded her head as well. 

"There you go, it's normal to show anger. After all Aphasia isn't a very good image and in your case it's a misdiagnoses. Asika-kun is a text-book doctor so he's a bit weak when it comes to special cases like yours. Even so you are being naughty. People are getting such misconceptions because you can't be bothered answering them." 

The woman smiles as if she is great friends with me. --- It was totally my own opinion but I decided then and there that this was a person who wore glasses. 

"So they think I have Aphasia." 

"Yeah, since you did hurt your brain in the accident they are wondering if your speech circuits are damaged or something. However thats a misconception, the reason for your silence isn't physiological but psychological isn't it? So it's not Aphasia, just you being stubborn. In that case my role isn't needed but it feels bad to be cut before a minute has passed, and since my main job is idle for once I'll play with you for a bit." 

--- This is a useless act of kindness. 

I reach out for the button that calls the nurse, but the lady doctor quickly removes it from my reach. 

"... You." 

"Dangerous, dangerous. If you talk to Asika-kun now I'll be kicked out straight away. Anyway isn't this good? If you pretend to have Aphasia, you won't have to reply to useless questions. It's better this way right?" 

... That's correct. But who is this person that can say such things so boldly. 

I turn my bandaged eyes towards the unknown lady doctor. 

"You are not a doctor are you?" 

"Nope, my main jobs a sorceress." 

That's so absurd I let out a sigh. 

"I don't have any business with a sorceress." 

"Ahahaha, that's correct. A magician can't fix that hole in your chest. The only thing that can fill it is a normal person." 

"--- a hole, in my chest ---?" 

"Yeah, you should be feeling it. That you are alone now." 

The lady doctor smothers a laugh and stands up. I can hear her arranging the chairs and her footsteps as she goes out. 

"I think it's still too early so let's leave it at this for now. I'll come again tomorrow, bye!" 

After appearing so abruptly, she leaves just as abruptly. 

I touch my lips with the right hand that I have difficulty moving. 

Now... Alone... 

A hole... in my chest... 

--- Oh, how can this be. 

Oh no, I hadn't realized. 

No one. No matter where I call he's not there. The existence called Ryougi SHIKI that existed within Ryougi Shiki has disappeared without a trace. 

Shiki was a dual personality disorder sufferer who possessed another personality within herself. Inside the Ryougi family children with two personalities were born genetically. That which would be shunned in a normal family was instead celebrated as being the traits of a transcendent being and the bearers were treated as the true heirs of the family. 

... Shiki inherited that blood. It was the reason Shiki went past her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family. 

But this kind of thing doesn't happen very often. 

Two personalities --- Yang affinity males and Yin affinity females, between those the leadership of the Yang affinity male is usually stronger. Among the few true Ryougi heirs till now, all had been born as men and had female personalities inside. But due to some mistake Shiki was the reverse of the norm. 

Inside the female Shiki was included the male SHIKI. 

The one with dominance over the body was the female Shiki --- me. 

SHIKI was my minus face, he contained my suppressed emotions. Shiki grew up suppressing the darkness called SHIKI. Time after time she killed the self called SHIKI and lived pretending to be normal. SHIKI didn't seem to have any complaints about that. After being asleep inside of me he woke up for things like sword training and took charge while complaining as if it was annoying. 

... It might seem like a master/servant relationship but the reality wasn't like that. In the end Shiki and SHIKI are one person, so Shiki's actions are SHIKI's, and SHIKI suppressing his own fancies was also Shiki's wish as well. 

... Yes, SHIKI was a murderer. As far as I know he had no experience at it but, he had a desire within him to kill those beings called humans that were the same organism as him. The dominant personality of Shiki ignored this, in short she forbid it. 

Shiki and SHIKI were inseparable beings although they ignored each other. Shiki was lonely but because of the self called SHIKI she wasn't alone. 

But the time came when that relationship would be destroyed. 

Two years ago --- when Shiki was a 1st year high school student. The season when for the first time SHIKI, who until then hadn't wanted to use the body, had asked to go out of his own volition. 

From there Shiki's memory is hazy. 

Right now I can't bring to mind any of Shiki's memories from 1st year of high school until I was involved in the accident. 

The thing I remember --- my shape standing at the site of the murder. More than that, there's an image that I can remember even more clearly than that. 

The classroom burning red in the light of the sunset. 

The one who destroyed Shiki, my classmate. 

The boy, that Shiki wanted to kill. 

The piece of normality, that Shiki wanted to protect. 

I got the feeling that I knew this a long time ago. 

But the me that has woken from a long sleep, his name is the one thing I can't yet remember. 

*** 

Night falls, and the hospital grows quiet. 

Only the occasional sound of slippers echoing through the corridors makes me feel that I'm awake. 

Inside the darkness --- no because I'm in the darkness. The blind me, I take to heart the fact that I'm alone. If I was the previous Shiki, I wouldn't have had this kind of feeling. Shiki who had another self inside her. But SHIKI no longer exists. No --- I, I don't even know whether I'm Shiki or SHIKI. 

SHIKI had disappeared from inside me. With that along I am recognizing myself as Shiki. 

"Hic hic... What kind of contradiction is this. Not knowing which side one is if one side is missing." 

I try talking to myself but the emptiness in my chest doesn't even fill a little. Even just the thought that I am sad would have some change on this emotionless mind of mine. 

I won't be able to know. 

Since I am no one, I can't feel that Ryougi Shiki's memories are really mine. Even if the shell called Ryougi Shiki exists if the contents are washed away the shell has no meaning. .... Oh it hurts. What must go inside this empty cave? 

"--- I, will, go, in..." 

Suddenly I hear words like that. 

A movement of the air as if a door has opened. 

''It's probably my imagination'', with that I turn my shut eyes that way. 

There's --- something there. 

White smoke is blowing around. My eyes that shouldn't be able to see can see the shape of the smoke. The smoke strangely resembled a human, no it seemed as if a human lacked bones and was swaying in the wind like a sunflower. 

The unpleasant smoke comes straight at me. 

I can't move as I like yet so I just blankly waited for it. 

Even if this is a ghost, I'm not afraid. 

The really scary things have no shape. No matter how weird something is, if it has a form I can't be scared. 

And --- if it is a ghost, the current me may as well be the same. After all there's not much difference between a thing that isn't alive and me who has no reason to live. 

The smoke slapped me. 

My whole body and mind goes into overdrive. The chill that flows down my spine is as sharp as a bird's talons. 

It was an unpleasant sensation but I just dumbly sat there and watched. After touching me for ages, the smoke melted like a snail sprinkled with salt. 

The reason is simple. It's five hours since the smoke started touching me. It will soon be 5 o'clock. The ghost melted because it's now morning. 

Since I hadn't slept, I decided to go to sleep again from now.

Kara no kyoukai:Chapter04 01

2007-03-03T08:47:45Z

71.36.84.183:

This place is dark, and the floor is pitch black. 

When I realized that the only thing around me was the darkness I accepted the fact that I was dead. 

I'm floating in a sea with no light or noise. Naked, without any covering, the human being called Ryougi Shiki is sinking into the depths. 

There's no light here. No I suspect I never fell in the first place. 

Since there's nothing here. 

It's not just that there's no light, there isn't even any darkness. Since there is nothing here nothing is visible. There is no meaning to the concept of falling. 

Inside the 「　　」within which even form is meaningless, just my body keeps sinking. The naked me, I'm a poisonous shade which makes me want to turn my eyes away. Because everything 「here」 bears such a poisonous aura. 

"--- This is death." 

Even the sound of my muttering seems like a dream. 

*** 

Then, I observe something like time. Time has no meaning inside「　　」but I become able to observe it. 

As naturally as flowing water, as grossly as putrefaction, I am just counting the time. 

There is nothing here. 

Even if I keep continuously looking in the distance I can't see anything. 

Even if I keep waiting continuously for something I can't see anything. 

It's very nice and peaceful. 

No --- Since nothing has meaning, just 「being」here makes everything perfect. 

This is death. 

The world which only the dead can reach. The world which the living cannot see. 

But, I'm still alive ---. 

I thought I would lose my mind. 

For 2 years I sat there in the midst of the concept called death. Rather then observation, it was closer to the struggle of battle. 

*** 

With the arrival of morning, the hospital slowly comes alive. The footsteps of the nurses traversing the corridors and the noise of the patients waking up and going about their own business is repeated many-fold. Compared to the silence during the night the bustle of the morning makes me feel like I'm at a festival. 

For the recently woken me, the riotous noise is too much. 

Thankfully, my ward is a private room. It's noisy outside but at least inside this box it's calm and quiet. 

Not much later, a doctor comes to examine me. 

"How do you feel Ryougi-san?" 

"--- Well, I'm not really sure." 

At my emotionless reply the doctor shuts up as if he's perplexed. 

"... Really? At least you seem calmer than yesterday. It might be troubling for you but I'll explain your current situation. If you don't like what I'm saying, don't hesitate to tell me." 

I replied to the doctor's words with silence. Because, I don't have any interest in such an obvious story. 

I think he mistook that as a sign of acceptance. 

"In that case I'll make it brief. Today is the 14th of June 1998. You - Ryougi Shiki, were involved in a night-time traffic accident on the 5th of March 2 years ago and was brought here to this hospital. The accident involved you being hit by a car while on a pedestrian crossing. Do you remember?" 

"..." 

I don't reply. --- I don't know that sort of thing. The last image I can take out from that shelf called memory is that of my classmate standing dumbly in the rain. I can't remember anything like how I got into an accident. 

"Ah, it's alright if you can't remember. We think that just before you got hit by the car, you realized the danger and tried to evade it. Thanks to that the injuries to your body weren't serious. 
In return we suspect that you received a hard shock to your head. You were already in a coma by the time you arrived at out hospital, luckily your brain itself wasn't injured. So the reason you can't remember is probably the confusion brought about by being in a coma for two years. It should only be temporary, as during last night's examination we didn't find any abnormalities in your brain waves. 
Your memories should slowly come back, but I can't guarantee that it will definitely happen. First and foremost the very fact that you recovered from your coma state is a miracle in itself." 

Even if he says it's been two years, it doesn't feel real to me. To the sleeping Ryougi Shiki that blank space is close to nothingness. 

To the being called Ryougi Shiki, yesterday is definitely that rainy night two years ago. 

But that isn't how I feel at all. 

To the current me, yesterday is 「nothing」. 

"oh and the injury to your eyes isn't so serious either. Injuries due to blunt weapons are among the least serious eye injuries you see. It's a relief that there weren't any knife-like objects in your proximity last night. We are going to take the bandages off soon as well. You'll have to leave looking at the scenery outside for another week or so." 

I get the feeling that there is a sense of reproach mixed somewhere into the doctor's words. 

He's probably nervous because of my attempt to destroy my own eyes. Last night he kept asking me why I did such a thing, I didn't give him an answer. 

"From now on we will be doing rehabilitation exercises in the mornings and afternoons. In regards to visits from your family I'm afraid one hour will be the limit. You can leave as soon as you recover your body and minds' equilibrium. It will be hard but please try your best." 

As I expected his words ruin my mood. 

Being tired of poking fun at the doctor, I try moving my right hand. ... My body doesn't feel like my own. Just moving takes time and my joints and muscles hurt as if they are being pulverized. 

Of course its only to be expected after not using them for two years. 

"Well that's it for this morning. Since it seems that you've calmed down I won't call a nurse. if you need anything press that button near your pillow. There's always a nurse standing by in the room next door so don't hesitate to use it even for small things." 

Soft words. 

If I could see, I would be able to observe the Dr's instant-like smile. 

The doctor gets up to leave but stops at the door and adds something as if he just remembered. 

"Oh yes. A counselor is going to come from tomorrow. Since she's not much older than you please talk freely with her. Right now what you need most to aid your recovery is conversation. 

And so I became alone. 

I lay back on the hospital bed, just lying there blankly with arms wrapped around the eyes I had closed myself. 

"My name ---". 

I said with dry lips. 

"Ryougi Shiki". 

But no such person exists here. 

Because the two years of nothingness killed me. 

I can remember clearly all the memories of growing up as Ryougi Shiki. But what does that matter? What are such memories to me who died and came back to life. 

The two years of emptiness completely disconnect the me of the past and the me of the present. 

I'm definitely Ryougi Shiki, not someone else. But the memories of the past, I can't feel that they are mine. 

To the resurrected me, it's only as if I'm seeing a movie of the life of a person called Ryougi Shiki. I can't think of the movie's main character as being me. 

"It's as if I'm a ghost caught on film. 

I bite my lips. 

I don't know me. 

I'm not sure whether I really am Ryougi Shiki. 

I feel like a human who doesn't know their own identity. 

This shell of a body is empty, it feels like a cave. 

Even the air passes through like the wind. 

I don't know the cause, but it really feels like a huge hole has been punched into my chest. 

It's so unsettling, --- indeed it's lonely. 

A misplaced puzzle piece is my heart. Inside that empty space, this feather-like me can't stand it. 

It's so empty that I can't even find a reason to keep living. 

"But --- so what if it is like that Shiki?"

It's really not such a big deal. 

It's fascinating --- this unsettling feeling and nervousness that makes me grasp my chest, I don't feel that it's either agonizing or sad. 

There's anxiety. There's pain. 

But that's all something the child called Ryougi Shiki is holding onto. 

I'm just apathetic. Even that fact that I've come back to life after two years fails to move me. 

I'm just swaying to the wind and wandering here and there. 

Without being able to feel that I'm actually alive.

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 A

2007-03-03T08:42:36Z

71.36.84.183:

"Hey about that patient in the 3rd floor private room, have you heard?" 

"Of course. That story was all over the place by the middle of yeserday. Even that stony Dr Asika in neurology lost his cool didn't he, there's no way a secret like that wouldn't leak out. I couldn't believe it but, they say the patient's recovered." 

"No, no, it's not that. Well it is definitely about that patient but there's something after that. That patient, you know what she did as soon as she woke up? Don't be shocked, but they say she tried to mash her own eyes." 

"--- What are you talking about? Is that for real?" 

"Yeah, I think it's being kept as a secret inside the facility. I heard it from a kid who always follows Dr Asika around so it's definitely true. Apparently as soon as Dr Asika took his eyes off her she smashed her eyes through the bandages with the palms of her hands, she's a total terror." 

"Wait a second, that patient, she's just been lying there for two year's hasn't she? Then there's no way she could move her body." 

"Well yeah normally. That house is rich aren't they? While she's been here we've exercised her limbs everyday, so her joints and stuff haven't stiffened up. But I guess that since it wasn't the subject herself doing the exercise the movemet of the joints was unnatural to her and she couldn't move very well. Thanks to that her attempt to savage her two eyes ended as a failure." 

"--- Even so that's awesome. We learn't that while a supine patient is comfortable it's much easier for their bodies to get weak. If she's been sleeping for 2 years, she should barely have been functioning as a human." 

"That's why even the doctor was caught off guard. Hey, what do you call that. You know when a patient's sclera is bleeding?" 

"Subconjunctival hemmorhaging." 

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It's supposed to become alright by itself, but since the patient smashed her eyes right to the point of glaucoma she can't even see through her eyes right now. They say that they just bandaged her eyes according to the patient's wishes." 

"Hmm. So even after waking up from the coma that patient hasn't seen the sunlight. ... darkness within darkness. It seems a bit wrong." 

"A bit? And on top of that, there's another problem. Aphasia(loss of speech)? It feels like that. She can't talk so the doctor's bringing in a speech therapist. There's no one like that at our hospital." 

"Yeah, since Dr Araya quit last month. 
But --- If she's like that will they disallow visitors for that patient?" 

"Probably. Until she's recovered her psychological balance even her time with her parents will be limited." 

"So that's how it is. In that case I feel kinda sory for that boy." 

"Who? What boy?" 

"Don't you know? After that patient was brought here there's this kid who came to visit very Saturday. I guess he's too old to call a kid anymore but, if possible, I want to let him meet her." 

"Ah, you mean polite-puppy-kun. Lord, he's still coming. 
I doubt there are many people as earnest as that in the world these days." 

"Yeah, for the last two years that kid's been the only one who watched over the patient. So --- I'm thinking that maybe the major part in the patient's miraculous recovery is due to him. ... Wow, I'm saying this sort of thing afer working here for how many years? I'm beginning to think that maybe somethings happened to me."