Baka-Tsuki - User contributions [en]

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter05 03

2008-09-09T22:41:33Z

DrChaos: fixed a few spelling errors and typos

'''/3 Paradox Spiral''' 

Close to a week has passed since I started staying in Ryougi's room. 

With both me and Ryougi going out during the day, a strange state of affairs continues where we only see each other when we go to sleep at night. Even so it was inconvenient not knowing each other's names after a week or so had passed, so we told each other our names. 

Her name is Ryougi Shiki. Surprisingly enough she really is a high school student. I don't know anything more than that. 

Ryougi calls me Enjoh. Maybe because of that, I call Ryougi Shiki Ryougi. Ryougi herself dislikes being called by her family name, but I can't bring myself to call her Shiki. 

The reason is simple. Quite simply, I don't have that strong a resolve. I don't want to become friendlier than necessary with someone I will one day part from forever. If I come to call her Shiki, it will definitely become more difficult to leave this girl. I thought that such a relationship would only be a hindrance to someone like me, who might be caught at any time by the police. 

<center>* * *</center>

"Enjoh, don't you have a girl?" 

On a night no different from any other, sitting on the bed with the gabuza ('''!''') on, Ryougi threw an unexpected question at me without any warning. 

Ryougi's questions, they always begin abruptly like this. 

"A girl... Well, if I had one I wouldn't come rolling into a place like this." 

"Oh. You look like you would be popular." 

"Hearing such an empty compliment doesn't make me happy at all. I'm sick of girls anyway." 

"--- Oho, how come?" 

Ryougi must have felt some interest in the story as she pushed her head out towards me rolling around on the floor. From my position lying right beside the bed it looks like only the head is popping out and it's somehow cute. 

"Are you gay?" 

... What I said before, forget it. That this brat could be cute, I must have briefly been out of mind. 

"There's no particular reason. To put it simply, it was just annoying. I tried dating for real, and it wasn't very fun." 

I never really liked those of the opposite sex. There was a time in high school when I went out with a girl for 3 months, but that isn't a sweet memory and I think all we did was fight a lot. 

Before I knew it I was haltingly telling her about my recollections. 

"It wasn't that I wanted very much. But she wanted too much from me. At first I thought 'well I guess that's how it goes' and I put up with it." 

Yeah. I bought her anything she wanted and if she wanted to be fancy I paid for it. Probably, there wasn't an instance when I couldn't meet her high expectations. 

She was happy every time, but on the other hand I was cooling off towards her. Sex wasn't as great as everyone thought either. 

... It felt like Ryougi was listening properly to my soliloquy. 

"After a while I started getting sick of her. It's not just the surrounding environment. Time, money, even emotions, it felt like a waste to give them to her. I did kind of like her, but satisfying your sexual appetite is something you can do alone ('''!''') 
--- If I was a normal student, I would have had too much time on my hands. But I didn't have any free time. The more time I spent with her the less sleep I got. For someone like me without even a minute to spare something like a girlfriend was an impossibility from the start." 

However I didn't try to break up. 

She looked happy, and I didn't want to put her in tears by issuing an absolute statement like 'let's break up'. ... I didn't want to inflict any wounds, and I didn't like receiving a wound either. 

"But you still broke up. How did you dump her?" 

"You know, stop treating me like some criminal. I was the one that got dumped. She told me suddenly after we did everything to do at a hotel. That 'you never looked at me. You just looked at my body and never saw my mind'. Honestly speaking it was a bit of a shock." 

As I told the story's conclusion with a shrug, Ryougi rudely burst into laughter. 

"Amazing, you don't look at my mind! Haha, you got caught by some fussy woman didn't ya Enjoh!" 

The springs in the bed creak in protest. This brat, she's rolling around on top of the bed laughing. 

"What, was there something strange about my story? It's my bitter memories of youth you know." 

I get angry and bolt upright. Ryougi then stopped laughing and stared at me. 

"It's weird. The only thing humans can see is the outward appearance. But that girl said that you who only looked at that wasn't needed, to say that you don't like someone because they can't see something invisible like the mind, that kind of girl isn't normal. Not being normal means you are abnormal. See, it's funny. That girl, if she wanted you to see her mind she could have written a letter. Enjoh, you did well to break up with that girl." 

Coldly making fun of me, Ryougi lay back on the bed. 

Like a cat she stared at me blankly from that position, then Ryougi opened her mouth as if it was difficult for her to say what followed. 

"... Well, it's not something for me to say, but. If you speak out loud about an uneasiness that 'cannot be seen' it becomes a lie. I can't know myself but love is believing in something. The blindness of love, isn't that it's meaning?" 

It's something I heard from another though, Ryougi added and fell asleep. 

Ending the conversation as usual in an abrupt manner like splitting bamboo, I also went to bed with a troubled mind. 

Turning off the light, I though as I fell into sleep. I'm a complete dunderhead when it comes to those people that I have feelings for called 'women' but, I think that if it was this girl there wouldn't be any such unilateral demands. No, if it was Ryougi, wouldn't I be able to take even such annoying things with a smile on my face? 

<center>* * *</center>

A night of the second week. 

When I opened the door with my key and went inside Ryougi was already asleep. ... As if she thinks of me as some sort of cat she doesn't show any signs of waking up even when she hears me rambling around. 

But today that's fortunate. 

Hiding my pummeled cheek, I plonk myself down on the floor. 

Ticktickticktick. 

The bedside clock goes around. Both the hands are pointing to the 12. 

... For some reason, I hate clock faces. Digital displays are my preference. A feeling comes to me that there's no place for me inside the spinning clock and I get afraid. 

"Ow." 

My bruised leg suddenly throbbed with pain and I screamed before I could stop myself. 

Ryougi is sleeping like the dead. There's no signs that she will wake up. 

That profile of her face, I unthinkingly stared at it. 

--- In the 2 weeks that we've lived together I've come to know only one thing. 

This girl, really was a doll. 

She's always asleep on the bed like a corpse. This girl doesn't wake up in the morning, instead she is resurrected from death to like when she has something to do. 

At first I thought it was to go to school, but I don't think that's the reason. Because whenever she receives a phone call from somewhere Ryougi regains her vitality. 

It goes without saying that I sense that the subject matter of those calls was suspicious. 

However Ryougi is waiting for that. In it's absence, this girl remains here like some doll. 

Ticktickticktick. 

That image was too beautiful. There was nothing as inconsequential as sadness. Ryougi delights only in the things she must do and comes back to life. 

This is perfection without fault. For the first time, I met the 'genuine item' that I had concluded I would never see. That which I had believed was like that. That which I wanted to be. That pure strength, which took no notice of what others did as long as you had yourself. 

"--- Shiki." 

From my mouth, Ryougi's name leaked out. 

Quieter than a whisper, an utterance that was like an expelled breath. 

But Ryougi's eyes came wide open. 

"--- What the, you are bruised all over again?"

As soon as she opened her eyes Ryougi wrinkled her brow. 

"I couldn't help it. The other side kept provoking me for no reason." 

I tell it as it was. While coming back today I got tangled up with 2 people I didn't know and we beat each other up. Of course I laid them out, but I'm also unskilled at fighting and get a lot of wounds. 

"You did something didn't you? To be so weak even with that. Do you like being hit?" 

Ryougi says as she sits up on the bed. 

You did something, does that mean something like martial arts or judo? 

"Don't draw any unquantified conclusions. I don't know anything about martial arts. Although it it's just fighting I can do it as well as the next guy." 

"Oh? I definitely thought you would since you used your palm when fighting. --- Then how did you know to use the palm of your hand?" 

Ah, I should have guessed. Now that I think about it I was once congratulated about that. When hitting someone a person who hasn't trained his fist will just hurt his hand, and after a few hits their own bones get damaged. So it's better for half-baked amateurs like me to use our palms to hit with. No, there are martial arts where the palm is more effective instead. 

Of course I don't know anything like that. 

"Your palm is harder. Doesn't everyone use their palms to crush cans. There probably aren't many who would do it with their fists." 

"That's because it's easier with the palm of you hand."

Although Ryougi replied coldly, it seemed like she was admiring me in truth. 

She cautiously looks at my face. Getting embarrassed by her scrutiny I struggled and kept talking. 

"So what did you do some of Ryougi? Aikido?" 

"Aikido is just for fun. There's only one thing I've done since I was young." 

"Since you were young eh. I thought you were strong. It was you who let loose a high kick at the back of a fleeing opponent's head. I thought how you acted was different. It was because of that. So do you have anything like a finishing move?" 

I ask the lamest questions. But Ryougi goes mmm, and falls into serious thought. 

"I suppose I have something along those lines. I train with taking down everything using that as my premise, so if you call it a finishing move it is one. But we aren't of that school. And it's originally a self-created style as well."(This part could be reworked).

The thing you train is your mindset, Ryougi adds. 

"You remake your body. From your breathing to the placement of your feet, awareness, thoughts, to be able to remake all such things for combat. Even the way of using your muscles changes, so it might feel like you become a different person. 
I suppose tensing your body and mind as a fight starts and while you are fighting is the foundation of all martial arts. However we followed only that too much and as a result our path went too far." 

In response to this dialogue that seemed to scorn oneself I couldn't do anything but cock my head. 

"What, if you are strong that's that. There wont be any instances where you go around getting bashed up like me. And you finished off those three guys in an instant. That is an incredible self-created style, that." 

When I speak remembering that refreshing instant of when I met this girl, Ryougi seems a bit surprised. 

"That's different. I only copied what I had seen. More than that, there's never been an instance where I've used our house's school of fighting." 

She nonchalantly spat out that frightening statement, then Ryougi collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep. 

<center>* * *</center>

... Steam is rising from somewhere. 

Sheek, sheek, and a noise that seems like something from a picture book can be heard. 

There's no light, and the room is dark. 

This place, is hot. 

Only the sound of the burning iron plate, and that magma-like light were my unique supports. 

On the walls around me, huge bottles are lined up neatly. 

There are long and thin cords scattered all over the floor. 

There's no one. 

Only the sound of steam, and the noise of the water boiling. .............................. It was night, and I suddenly opened my eyes. 

Because, I had a bad dream. 

Ticktickticktick. 

The clock said it was still 3 at dawn, there was still a while to go before it was time to wake up. 

When I turned to look at the bed Ryougi wasn't there. ... As it so happens that girl occasionally takes walks at night. Even so, to go and wander about at dawn when even the vegetation is asleep... 

Should I go out and greet her --- Although I knew that not getting involved in each other's private lives under any circumstances was an unspoken condition for using this place as an abode, I had that thought. 

I hesitated for a while then thought, fine, and got straight up. 

No matter how strong she is, it doesn't change the fact that Ryougi is a girl of the same age as me. On top of that her appearance is more than enough for those idiots who go around in packs at night to fall for her. 

Just when I made up my mind and went out into the corridor, the front door opened noiselessly to admit the girl in her normal attire of a red jumper over a kimono. 

As expected Ryougi closes the door without making a sound. 

"What, you've come back?" 

I felt like I had taken a blow for some reason and that remark popped out of my mouth. 

A glance, and Ryougi turned to look at me ---. 

At that instant, I thought that I was going to be killed. 

The lights are off and the corridor is dark. In that darkness only Ryougi's eyes are shining with a blue light. 

I can't do anything. Can't breath, can't think properly, I can only stand there like a post. 

"--- you too, won't do." 

I heard a noise. When I regained my wits Ryougi had breezed past me and angrily thrown her leather jacket on the bed as if she was in a temper. 

Ryougi sat down on the bed then leaned back on the wall to stare at the ceiling. 

Withstanding the chill that still ran down my back I came back into the room, and sat down on the floor. 

A period of silence passes that makes me wonder if we won't drift off into sleep. 

Suddenly, the girl started talking. 

"I, went out to kill a person." 

Those words, how am I supposed to respond to them. All I could do was go, oh is that so, and nod. 

"But it was all for nothing. Since I couldn't find anyone I wanted to kill today either. A moment ago when you were in the corridor, I thought I might be satisfied if it was you, but as expected it wasn't to be. Even if I did it there's no meaning to it." 

"... I thought I was totally dead." 

I speak honestly and Ryougi replies, that's why it wouldn't work. 

"I want to feel that I'm alive. But there's no meaning to just killing people. I am wondering around at night without even an objective. That's no different from being a ghost. Someday --- I will meaninglessly kill someone." 

It may seem like Ryougi is speaking to Enjoh Tomoe, but in fact she isn't talking to anyone. ... She's as blank as a drug addict suffering from withdrawl symptoms. 

The sort of thing had never happened till now. The Ryougi from around that time when I first met her may have wandered about at night but there had never been an instance when she returned with such murderous intent. 

"Oi, what's wrong with you Ryougi. It's unlike you. Wake up!" 

Funnily enough --- I was grabbing onto her shoulder which I hadn't even brushed against before. 

I can't believe it. That this, the shoulder of the girl who seemed so detached... was so, slender. 

"... My mind's fine. I had this kind of feeling during summer too. At that time as well ---." 

As if she remembered something unpleasant, Ryougi stopped talking. 

I take my hand off Ryougi and come down from the bed. 

Ryougi gives up leaning on the wall and lies back on the bed. 

"Hey, Ryougi." 

I try calling her name but there's no response. That brat said it before. That the mind is something that cannot be seen. Therefore a problem that is invisible is something that must never be confessed to another person. 

That's right --- Ryougi is a loner. 

I am also like that, but I at least have a few friends that I meet casually for a change of mood. 

That's me but, this girl probably doesn't have any such person. Since this girl who is perfect even in the smallest details unlike me doesn't have the need for something like that. 

"--- Hey, Ryougi. Do you have any friends?" 

I tried not to look at the girl's face and asked the question with my back facing the bed. Ryougi thought briefly and then replied, I have one. 

"What? You have one? You? A friend?" 

In complete opposition to the surprised me Ryougi calmly said, yes, and nodded. 

"In that case the story's simple. When you feel down, it doesn't matter if it's pointless, just try hanging out with them. Just changing the scenery will ease your mind. Forgetting things like your problems and talking about insignificant things will make you feel better." 

"--- I don't have one right now. That creep's gone far away." 

I became unable to say anything at her words. Because Ryougi's voice sounded so lonely. 

Maybe that was just my opinion, as Ryougi started to slam the bed with her fists as she worked herself up into a rage. 


"That creep just does what it wants! It comes over to our house whenever it feels like it and all it gives me is a phone number. It was sick for a month in summer too, why do I have to be anxious about something like that!" 

Phwock, phwock, there were some violent sounds. 

This time I really can't trust my eyes. 

The indomitable Ryougi is waving her arms and legs around on the bed and throwing a tantrum. 

No, the reality might not be something so simple, she could be stabbing the pillow with her knife. Whatever it was, the sound is changing from a whacking noise to a ripping noise. 

I was afraid to check out the situation so I didn't turn around to look at Ryougi. 

She continued to cause a commotion for a time then Ryougi went quiet. 

In any case I envy that friend or whatever who can drive Ryougi so crazy. 

I found I wanted to know more about that person. 

"Hey, Ryougi." 

"---." 

As if she's still upset Ryougi doesn't answer. I ignore the silence and continue. 

"That person you said is a friend. What's your relationship with them? A friend from high school?" 

"--- Yeah, he's a high school friend but he's like a poet." 

What's like a poet, if their age is similar, if he's a guy or a girl, I decide to leave for another day. There's not much point to me knowing anyhow. 

"Okay, so your wandering around at night, is that person the cause?" 

Ryougi thinks briefly. 

"Nah. Walking at night is my hobby, and my murder impulse is mine alone. No one else is involved. The problem is mine, so I know what kind of state I'm in right now. ... Hmm, in short, I'm so unbalanced right now that I make even you feel uneasy around me." 

Ryougi speaks serenely as if describing someone else's affairs. 

"Uneasy --- I'm not particularly uneasy." 

"When you told me that you felt like you were going to be murdered by me?" 

A pretty voice comes flying at my throat. 

... A feeling like a cold snake coiling itself around my neck comes to me. Very briefly, I questioned if the thing rolling around behind me was really human. 

"See, you thought that again now as well. But that's a misplaced uneasiness. The reason I kill is because I can't feel that I'm alive. You can't be a target." 

... What does that mean? Is Ryougi saying that even if she kills me --- Enjoh Tomoe, she won't enjoy it? 

"But --- okay. You still need to find another place to stay Enjoh. I only can't feel that I'm alive --- but Ryougi Shiki definitely likes to kill." 

Abruptly Ryougi murmurs that as if confessing something. 

The subsided tone of her voice. That voice that seems about to break, as if laying bare the troubles of her heart. ... Damn it. A woman who is already far away seems even further off. 

With that I realised. That as much as I feared this girl --- no, I was even more strongly attracted to her. 

"--- Idiot, where in the world is that kind of thing." 

At any rate I continue the conversation because I want to refute Ryougi's words. 

"All it is is that your heart's uneasy. Quickly call in that friend or whatever of yours and let out everything even if you don't feel like it. Friends are there for that reason, if you don't you drift far off from each other ---." 

Pouring out everything in my heart up to that point I cut off my words. In the same way as Ryougi did before, swept up by my emotions I talked as I liked and only realised after the fact that I did something wrong. 

"--- That's all I'm trying to say. Good night." 

I spat out those words as if chewing bugs, and lay down to sleep. 

Ryougi said something, but I ignore and decide to sleep. 

Tonight, I'm not confident of being able to speak any further normally with Ryougi. 

The reason is simple. I pricked my heart with the words I had poured out. 

Yeah, no matter what I do. 

That friend's role will never come around to me.

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter05 02

2008-09-09T22:11:30Z

DrChaos: fixed two typos

'''/2 Paradox Spiral''' 

Click, a noise. It's the room beside mine. 

Is it getting around 10 o'clock? Only a few minutes have passed since, tired from work, I entrusted my body to my bedsheets. Woken from my shallow sleep I was suddenly dozing off again. 

The noise from the other side of the door only came once. 

The door opens. It connects to the room next door. A square light enters my dark room with its switched off light. 

Is it mother? I sneak a peek in that direction with half closed eyes. 

At this point I always have a thought. 

That, this kind of scene, it would have been better had I not seen it. 

The one who opened the door is my mother. Because of the light coming from behind her I can't tell anything about her but that she's standing there. That image isn't important as my eyes see nothing but the dreadful image visible though the open door. 

The image of my dad lying slumped over the dinner table. 

The cheap table which should be brown is dyed red, and my fallen father keeps dripping red blood onto the floor. ... It just seemed like a broken tap. 

"Tomoe, please die," says the standing shadow. 

I only knew that the shadow was my mother after I had been stabbed in the chest. 

My mother stabs me over and over with the kitchen knife, lastly she stabs her own throat with it. 

Its a nightmare to end all nightmares. 

My nights, always finish in this manner.

<center>* * *</center>

Click, click, click. 

... When woke up to the sound in my ears Ryougi had already gone out. 

Lifting up my body which is bruised all over from the beating I got I look around the room. 

Stuck in the corner of the second floor in a four storey apartment, this is the house of the kimono girl. Or, would it be more appropriate to call it a room than a house. The hallway stretches 1m from the front door to the lounge, and on the way is a door leading to the bathroom. 

As if the lounge doubles as a bedroom, the bed upon which the woman was sleeping till a moment ago is there. There's another room next to the lounge but it seems that it is not being used. 

--- Last night. 

After following her for an hour the place I arrived at was this room. Seeing as the mailbox at the apartment entrance bore the name Ryougi, it seems that the woman's last name is Ryougi. 

That woman --- even after Ryougi brought me into the room she didn't say anything but instead stripped off her leather jacket and crawled into bed. 

Even indifference should have a limit. I started to get angry and honestly thought about assaulting her. But, if I did so and caused a commotion a crowd would gather and I would be in trouble. After pondering what to do for a long time I used a cushion that was rolling around on the floor as a pillow and just decided to sleep. 

And, this morning, when I opened my eyes, that woman was nowhere to be seen. 

"--- What the hell is she thinking," I mumble absent-mindedly. 

Thinking back after regaining my cool, Ryougi appears to be the same age as me. It seems more suitable to call her a girl than a woman. 

If she's seventeen she's a student. In that case has she gone to school? I don't think that's correct, this room is too bleak to accept that. The only things in this room are a bed, fridge, phone, four leather jackets hanging on the coat hanger and a wardrobe, which feels like it would contain clothing. There's no TV or even a radio. There are no magazines that were carelessly dropped after being read and there isn't even a table. 

All of a sudden, I remember her words from last night. 

When I said that I had killed someone Ryougi had replied that she had done the same. ... Ryougi's words hadn't seemed real then but they might be true after all. Because this room is a fugitive's room. The sense that someone lives here is lacking to the point of morbidity. Thinking up to there I get a chilling feeling. I thought I had picked up an ace of spades but had I picked up a joker instead? ... Whatever the case I didn't intend to stay long. I wanted to at least say goodbye but since the person in question isn't here there's no helping it. 

Walking carefully like a thief who has broken in, I decided to leave the unfamiliar girl's room.

Coming outside I wandered aimlessly. 

At first I hesitantly went around the road beside the mansion, but regardless of my situation the world was no different from usual. Like a hand on a clock going round and round it was just repeating its daily routine with no change at all. 

So its like this in the end, and depressed I came out to the main road. 

The road is the same as always. There are no police looking for Enjoh Tomoe, and there are no looks holding me in contempt for being a murderer. 

For some reason it seems the bodies haven't been found yet. Yes, there's no way the world could change so much due to something a half-wit like me did. I don't seem to be a fugitive yet. Even so I didn't feel like going back home. 

Past noon and I've come to the plaza with the bronze statue of a dog. Draping myself onto a suitable bench I look up at the big neon sign set up on a near-by building. 

In that state I spent a few blank hours. 

Even though its a weekday this place is booming with people. The side-walks are overflowing with people and when the pedestrian lights turn green a tide of humanity flows out with a force that seems set to knock the cars out of the way. 

The majority of the crowd are humans that aren't so different in age from me. On the whole they walk foward with smiling faces or iron visages. There's no hesitation there. No --- they've probably never even thought of hesitating. On their faces there isn't even the letter 'life', I can't see these faces as living for a hope-filled future or a dream they wish to fulfil. Everyone walks on with faces that say they know everything about the world. But amongst all that, how much truth is there? 

Is it everyone, or is it just a portion. 

Real and fake. 

I kept looking from within the crowds that cannot be reconciled to try and find a real one, but couldn't distinguish them at all. 

Is it obvious? --- As originally the only one who would know such a thing is yourself. 

I turned my eyes from the crowds of humanity up towards the sky. 

Yes --- to that point I wasn't real. I may have thought I was real but then I hopelessly revealed my true nature. 

... Until I entered high school Enjoh Tomoe was a well known name in the track and field world. Hating to lose, I didn't once see the backs of other athletes during junior high. I was confident of shortening my record still further, and there was no reason to suspect my intelligence either. 

Besides, I liked to run more than anything else. 

In that at least I was genuine. I even had a conviction that I wouldn't let any obstacle get in my way. 

But I stopped running. 

Our family was never rich. My father lost his job when I was in elementary school so our household was always barren. My mother was born in a distinguished family and it was said that she broke off all ties with her family to marry my father. My dad who lost his job and didn't work, and my mother who grew up ignorant of the world and didn't know how to do anything. 

In that crumbling family I think I grew up faster than other children. I lied about my age to do part-time work and I was at least earning my school fees in any way I could. 

I don't know anything of what was going on with our family. I was too busy just living my life. 

I went to school with the money I earned, and entered high school through my efforts alone. My parents whom I already could not think of as parents, and the problem of money with which to live on. To me who bore those two burdens, running was my unique salvation. 

So no matter how tired I was I continued club activities and was able to enter high school as well. 

But then My dad caused an accident. He hit a person with a car. That wasn't the only problem. Dad didn't even have a driver's license ---. 

I think mother obtained the indemnity for the victim's family by borrowing money from her relations with her head bowed. At that time I was depressed and didn't want to think about anything so I can't be sure. 

Waiting for me after all the strife was over was the change in my surroundings. There was no longer any connection between me and my parents, but for just the reason that I was their child there was a sudden change in the school community's attitude towards me. 

The track team coaches who had always been helpful till then began to openly ignore me. The seniors who had supported me saying that a prodigy had joined the club pressured me to quit the track team. 

But I was already used to that sort of thing so it wasn't really a problem. 

My problem was my family. Because of the accident, my dad lost the little income he had and no longer had the strength to support a family. My mother started doing unfamiliar part-time work, but that kind of thing could only cover the heating and lighting bills. 

Already unable to obtain a proper job from a few years back, to make us more miserable my dad killed a person while driving without a license. That rumour spread and spread until my dad could no longer go outside. My mother braved the insults to go and find work but she could never stay in one place for long. It got so bad that if I just took a walk somebody would throw a rock at me. 

... The criticism from those around us got worse daily, but I didn't feel any anger about it. What my father did was real. I thought of the persecution and contempt as a natural reaction. After all the one at fault wasn't the world but my dad. 

And yet, it wasn't as if the object of my anger was my parents either. 

At that time I hated everything. Everything that surrounded me became annoying. 

No matter what you did or how hard you tried, the result would be the same. No matter how fast you ran, if that annoying thing called family followed along the future was as clear as a flame at night. 

It was definitely then that I stopped fighting. 

We chase after the so-called natural life and undergo painful experiences as a result. If I accept that my life is like this anyway, there's no reason to think myself unfortunate. 

It's just like when we are young. Exchanging reality for a fantasy, I decided to live on by myself. 

Everything seemed to be of no import after I made that choice and school was the first thing I quit. 

No, if I didn't work all day I couldn't support my family. If you are young there are plenty of jobs available regardless of experience. 

Awkwardly for me I possessed that useless thing called a conscience, and I couldn't throw away my family. Yet I did not talk to them at all after I quit school. 

Acting in this manner --- I woke up one day to find that I had clean forgotten about the running I had liked so much. 

It was something I had enjoyed so much. Something that had been such a source of relief. But it had been something I could give up because of so trifling a misfortune as that occurring, that realisation shocked even me. 

The people who had praised me disappeared, and I didn't have time to run anymore. How could such excuse-like things break me of my enjoyment. 

If I was real --- if running was something that I could never have exchanged for anything else, if running was the heart of the human called Enjoh Tomoe, things wouldn't have turned out like that. 

... When I was young, I followed my parents to a ranch and saw a horse. Seeing that horse that I didn't even know the name of, I broke down and cried. Seeing that being whose only act in life was to run, I couldn't stop my tears from pouring out. If there were such things as past lives I would have been one of them. That was how strong my belief was, that was how much I admired the very act of running itself. 

But I was a fake. 

Yes. It was only that I had a firm belief of my reality, I was actually nothing more than a fake ---. 

"--- You even killed a person in the end." 

Heehee, I laugh. To be laughing when I'm not happy at all, humans are so flawed. 

Even looking at the sky gets tedious, so I look around the street. 

... The flood of humanity doesn't cease at all. 

Those people going on by with smiling or cold faces can't be real. If they were living with some goal in mind there's no way they would be in a pleasure area like this. Or rather, if you were to say that their objective in life was to play --- that kind of 'real' I can't accept. 

... Clickclickclick. 

Suddenly, I came back to my senses from there onwards. For me --- as self-righteous as my thoughts are, there's nothing like a meaning in my position. 

Looking at the clock, it was becoming night time without me having noticing. 

I can't stay here for hours on end. I left the overflowing tide of humanity behind and left that place. 

<center>* * *</center>

The light from a weak streetlight is illuminating the street by an unfamiliar residence. 

After the autumn sun fell I walked for three hours. 

While pondering where to spend the night, I recollected my wits and found that I was close to Ryougi's apartment. 

Humans, if we crash once do we become so unable to act like men? 

I was always prideful of the fact that the merit of the guy called Enjoh Tomoe was the rapidity with which my feelings changed. But if I'm like this its not fast or slow. Am I still unable to cut those lingering attachments after all? 

When I look up I don't see a light on in Ryougi's room. It seems that she is absent. 

"--- Fine. Since I've come here I may as well look." 

I go up the stairs. Let's confront the harsh reality, the reason for my actions was that I wanted to guide that self of mine that still clung to an unique salvation. 

Going up the iron stairway that clangs with every step, I arrived at the room on the end of the second floor. 

The paper that was here when I came out this morning isn't there. It looks like Ryougi came back once. There's no response even when I knock on the door. 

"See, she's not there." 

After I just wait for a bit I try turning the handle. 

--- It moves. 

The door opens easily. 

The inside is dark. With the handle in my hand I froze. My mind is blank. 

How long am I going to stand here like this? The moment I thought that --- I shoved my body through the opening and went inside. 

"---." 

Gulp, I swallow my saliva. 

I can't believe this, I can't believe this, I can't believe I would do something like this. 

Of course I am imitating a rebel now, but I always hated anything like crime. Since I was young I disliked cowardly acts. Yet, after committing murder I am now trespassing. --- No, this is force majeur. Anyway, that girl said so as well, that I could use this place as I liked. 

Clickclickclick. 

Repeating incoherent excuses in the bottom of my heart I walk in. From the front door to the corridor, from the corridor to the lounge. 

The light's aren't on so the room's dark. Within the darkness, I gasp for breath and kill the noise of my footsteps. 

--- Damn it, under these circumstance I may as well be a thief. Lights, I have to turn on the lights. You get suspected because its dark. Ah, but where's the switch ---? 

I pat the wall looking for the light switch for the fluorescent light. 

At that moment I hear the door open. 

Ryougi's come back, before I could think that fix my position, the owner of the house turned on the light and opened the door. 

She opens it, and stares at my trespassing self with blank eyes. 

"--- What, you came today as well? What are you doing, not even turning the lights on." 

Speaking coldly as if berating a classmate, Ryougi closes the door to the room and sheds her leather jacket. 

Straddling the edge of the bed in that state, she put her hand into the convenience store plastic bag she was holding in one hand and rustled around. 

"Do you want it? I hate cold things." 

Hwik, she throws me a cup of ice-cream. The label says Haagen-Daaz's strawberry. That she doesn't care about an invader like me isn't the only puzzling thing about her, buying something she doesn't like is a riddle as well. 

Holding the cold cup in both hands, I fully mobilise my reasoning power. 

This girl doesn't care about me at all. Even though she knows ... well I can't be sure how sincerely she takes it... that I'm a murderer. Does the fact that she still offered her room as a refuge mean that this girl is someone the police is after too ... ? 

"... Oi. You. You are a suspicious person aren't you?" 

When I asked such a thing ignoring all the things I had done, the kimono girl started laughing, "Ahahahaha!" loudly. 

"You are a weird one, you are. Oho --- suspicious, you say I'm suspicious! That's a really good expression, it really captures the feel, really!" 

Ryougi was earnestly laughing. As the black hair that she had cut as she liked became scattered, I couldn't see her anything but a suspicious person. 

"Haha, ahahahaha, ha --- Mmm, yeah. There's no one in this area who kicks up a fuss like me. But didn't you kick up quite a fuss yourself? In that case it shouldn't matter what's happened, should it? For that sort of thing? Is that all you have to say?" 

Wearing a meaningful smile, the kimono girl looks up at me. .... That pose with its air of somewhat fragile tranquility, it was similar to a child holding a new toy. 

"No.... just one more question. Why, are you helping me?" 

"You asked me to help you. I helped you since I didn't have anything else to do. You don't have a place to sleep do you? You can use this place for a while. It's not as if Mikiya is coming anytime soon anyway." 

... You helped because you had nothing better to do? What the hell is that, however relaxed you may be what kind of stupid reason is that. My mind may be upside down, but its not mangled so badly as to blindly accept that. With this as evidence I can at least figure out if this girl is lying or not. 

I glare at the girl in the kimono. She doesn't pay any attention at all. It's different from disregard, it's and imposing candidness. ... What is this paradox. Distressingly, there is no reason to suspect that Ryougi is not speaking sincerely. 

If it's not that, could it be that this person does not need a beneficial reason. If you took it as granted that this girl didn't think of easy to understand reasons like, because you are a friend or, because I can get money. 

But, even then ---. 

"Are you for real? You are going to hide a suspicious guy like me without wanting anything in return? You haven't taken any drugs have you?" 

"What a rude guy. I hate drugs, and I'm extremely normal. I don't even report anything to the police. Although I will if you tell me to." 

Ah, I also do not worry about such a thing. Who could picture this girl contacting the police. What I worried about was something more basic than that. 

"Look. I'm a guy and you are a girl. Letting someone you don't even know sleep over is a bit... I'm asking if it's still okay, that's what I'm saying!" 

"What? Don't guys go somewhere different if they want to hug a girl?" 

At this reply spoken with a preposterous face, I didn't know what to say. 

"No, I'm saying since ---." 

"Ah, just shut up. If this place isn't to your liking you can just find another place to stay. Why are you stubbornly sounding out what I think?" 

Harshly cutting off my words the girl puts her hand back into the plastic bag. What she took out was a triangular tomato sandwich. 

... It really seems like there's no one like me in her vicinity. 

"In that case I will use this place as my sleeping place. Is that okay?" 

Although I shouted because of my frustration the other party didn't bat an eyelid and nodded assent. 

"Fine. I'll tell you its annoying if it gets annoying," Ryougi says while chewing the sandwich. 

With that my strength left me and I sat myself down plumply onto the floor. 

And time flowed by. 

However it was, I decided to go along boldly. As if to try and regain that conceit that the merit of Enjoh Tomoe is the quick change in feelings, I think about my days to come. 

I've obtained a sleeping place for now. As for meals the 30000 yen I've got on me should last me for a month. In that time I have to find a way to live without being caught by the police. 

"--- Eh?" 

All of a sudden, a question formed. Why was it that tonight the front door hadn't been locked? 

"Hey, why didn't you lock the door?" 

"Isn't it obvious, I don't have a key so I don't lock it." 

"--- What?" 

Hearing that I almost fainted. 

This girl Ryougi, apparently she didn't have a key to the house. The only time she locked the door was when she slept, when she went out she just closed the door. The position of the person in question being, even if a thief was to come in while she was away there would be no harm done to her. 

So the reason I was able to trespass wasn't a coincidence or anything. It could be that the reason for the absence of any household items in this room is because a burglar broke in. 

"You idiot, at least take a key around! Normally, you go and borrow a spare key from the owner if you don't have one." 

"I lost the spare too. So what? It's nothing that would trouble you, and if you stole these kind of things it would just weigh you down." 

... Damn it, if I talk one way she's the type to rebut my words in that manner. Even so I can't relax if she doesn't have a key. There's the safety of one's own self to think of, but is it that there is that bad a problem in Ryougi's life. 

I put aside the undescribable repulsion I had been holding towards Ryougi until a moment ago, and truly worried about this immature kid. 

"Don't say something so stupid. What kind of house doesn't have a key. Wait... Since it's become like this, I'll replace the whole thing with a new one for you." 

"... That's fine but, do you have the money?" 

"Don't think so lowly of me. I can do this much at least. I'll do it all tonight, so from tomorrow take a key around properly!" 

And, I stood up. 

I worked at a moving company. I learnt enough about repairing things around a house that I can easily repair something like an apartment door. At the storage facility of the company I had worked at until 2 days ago there should at least be something like a stock door handle. 

With a vigor I could scarcely credit, I was running out into the night-time streets. 

How do I secretly enter the building when the police could catch me at any moment, I earnestly wonder, I realise that I'm on an extremely dangerous adventure. 

Really, I can't say anything about Ryougi. 

To be breaking into the company I had worked at for a girl I didn't even properly know the name of, I'm a pretty crazy person too.

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 04

2008-09-08T22:02:52Z

DrChaos: incomprehensible is a much better antonym for understandable, unless "ununderstandable" was intentional (feel free to revert then)

'''/ 4''' 

As the usual morning check-up ended I realised that it was now the 20th. Which meant that it has now been seven days since I woke up. My body has also recovered without a hitch so I am going to be released tomorrow. The bandages over my two eyes, I will also be able to take them off tomorrow morning. 

Seven days... a week. 

I haven't gained much during this period of time. 

I've lost so many things that I'm not even sure what I've lost. 

My parents, Akidaka, they are probably the same as they were before. But to me they feel like different people. The fading away of all that once surrounded me is something that can't be helped, since the one called Ryougi Shiki has changed. 

I touch the bandage covering my eyes. 

The only thing I gained in exchange for everything I have lost is this. 

I, who experienced 「death」for two years while still alive. My body has changed so that I can now view such formless concepts. 

The first thing I saw upon waking up from the coma was not the surprised nurse running towards me... It was the line wrapping around her throat. People, walls, even the air itself... there are incredibly fine lines visible on everything. Those lines were always moving and irregular. But I suffered from an obsession with the idea that death would spread out at any moment from those individual concepts and pull me in. I saw a hallucination in which the approaching nurse crumbled into pieces starting from the line in her neck. 

When I understood what those lines were --- I crushed my two eyes with my own hands. 

My hands hadn't moved in two years and just clenching them brought on agonizing pain, but I still moved my arms. Luckily or unluckily, my arms were still weak and I was stopped by the doctors in the process of destroying my eyes. They decided that it was just a sudden impulse brought on by the turbidity of my mind and weren't particularly interested in why I had tried to crush my eyes. 

"Are my eyes --- going to recover soon?" 

I don't want that. That kind of world, I never want to see it again. 

A world where nothing exists. While I was 「there」, I was content and at peace. 

--- I can't believe it now. Remembering that world after I woke up I thought about it and there couldn't be anything more pathetic than that world. That darkness, even if it was just a nightmare I dreamt up during my sleep --- I can't stand the thought of falling into that place again. 

And, these two eyes of mine that are connected to that place. 

I bring my fingertips to my eyes. 

After that, all that's left is to stab my eyes with those fingertips as cleanly as if I was swinging a bamboo sword. 

"Just a second, hold up. You give up too quickly." 

Suddenly a noise. 

I turn my senses towards the door. 

The thing that is there is --- what is it? 

Without a sound the someone comes closer, coming right up to the bed where I'm reposed. 

"Is it the 'Mystic eyes of death perception'? It's too wasteful to destroy that Shiki. Especially seeing as anything you can see will be seen even if you ruin your eyes. You see, a curse is something that comes back if you throw it away." 

"Are you --- human?" 

My question provokes a reaction which sounds like somebody trying not to laugh. 

Whoosh, I hear the sound of a lighter being flicked and a flame springing out. 

"I'm a sorceress. I came here to teach you how to use those eyes of yours." 

That familiar female voice... This someone is without a doubt the counsellor. 

"What do you mean, how to use these eyes... ?" 

"Well, it will only be a little better than now, but I suppose it's better than nothing. Your mystic eyes that can conceive another's death by just looking are the first since the time of the Celtic gods. Erasing them is too wasteful." 

It's called [[Talk:Kara_no_Kyoukai:Chapter04_04#Balor|Balor]], the lady adds some incomprehensible words. 

"Mystic eyes are normally the result of you bringing about some kind of augmentation effect for your eyes through spiritual surgery. But in your case I think they came about naturally. An ability you originally had was brought to the fore by the accident. By the sounds of it, it seemed that the child called Shiki was always seeing to the heart of everything." 

... She talks as if she knows. 

Actually, as she said, Shiki had always been gazing at a far-off location. I think that even while looking at a person she saw not the exterior, but that person's core. 

Although Shiki herself wasn't aware of it. 

"Well you see, that was definitely a control mechanism Shiki used unconsciously. You shouldn't try to look at exteriors. 

Every object has flaws. The fancy of wishing everything could be taken apart and remade only exists because there's no such thing as a perfect object. 

Your eyes can see those flaws, as if they were a microscope. Your spiritual sight is too strong. you can see those lines that are invisible to us and that brain of yours that was in contact with death for so long can even understand what they are. In conclusion, you can see death. Not only see it, but you can even touch it. A living organism's lines of death will keep changing position as long as it's alive. The ability to see those lines clearly, there's not much difference between that and mystic eyes that can kill with a look. If you must stab those eyes I will receive them instead. I will pay you any price you call." 

"... Did you say I will be able to see this even if my eyes can't see? In that case there's no reason for me to stab them." 

"Well, yes. You can't lead a normal life anyway. Leave your agonizing at that Ryougi Shiki. Open your eyes a bit. You are originally a human of my kind. If you are --- abandon any dreams you have of living like everyone else." 

"---."

... That one sentence, in some ways it was conclusive. 

But I felt as if I shouldn't accept it for some reason. 

I reply with the strongest rebuttal I can manage at this time. 

"Something as pitiful as an urge to live on --- I don't have any such thing." 

"Heh. Is that because you've emptied your mind? But you don't want to die do you? Because you've seen that world. Since you've reached a state of realisation that not even a [[Talk:Kara_no_Kyoukai:Chapter04_04#Keter|Keter]] can reach you gorged brat. 

Do you understand? Your problems simple. Okay, you've revived as another person, so what? It's just that SHIKI isn't here. I guess since you and SHIKI were definitely a set his absence alone would mean that you are a whole different person. Even if you are the very embodiment of Shiki, I understand that you are different from before. 

But what I'm saying is that that's as far as it goes. 

Right now you are desperately rejecting death while you have no will to live. You have no reason to live on but you fear the thing called death. Life or death, unable to choose either side you are walking a tightrope on the boundary of the two. I suppose it's enough to empty your mind." 

"... You keep chattering away as if you know everything..." 

I glare at the woman. At that moment --- without a hint of doubt, my eyes which should be blind catch sight of the woman's outline and black lines. 

「death」coils out towards me from the woman's lines. 

"Did you see it? It's because there are flaws that they move with just that much contact. In the eyes of the idle spirits here, your body is the perfect vessel. If you don't wake up you are going to be hauled away and killed." 

By that talk of being dragged away and killed does she mean that white smoke? 

But that doesn't come around here anymore. 

"Idle spirits are nothing more than a part of the soul left behind after death. They don't have a will so they just wander around. But as they are parts they keep grouping together to form a whole until they become a ghost. They don't have a will but basic desires remain. Thing's like, 'I want to return to my former self' or 'I want a human body'. 

A hospital has a lot of idle spirits. They form drifting ghosts and look for a body they can inhabit. Since they are so weak normal people can't feel them or even come into contact with them. Formless spirits only follow people with paranormal abilities who can perceive them. Sorcerers who make a living out of talking to ghosts protect their egos with a shell so it's very rare for them to be taken down by a drifting ghost. 

On the other hand --- they will probably latch onto a person with an empty heart, say you for example, pretty easily." 

There is a hint of contempt in her voice as she speaks. 

So, was that why that smoke came to me. If that was the case why didn't it possess me. If it had tried to become my kernel I wouldn't have resisted. 

"--- Pathetic. Even the rune's protection is meaningless like this. That's it, as expected this doesn't suit you. Just do as you will after this." 

After speaking so venomously the lady distanced herself from the bed. 

Just before she shut the door to the room that lady left behind one last remark. 

"But you know, did SHIKI really die for nothing Ryougi Shiki?" 

I couldn't reply to that. 

Really --- that lady only touches the subjects I am avoiding and leaves them behind like thorns. 

***

It's night. 

Darkness surrounds me. Tonight there isn't even the sound of anyone walking through the corridors. 

In the midst of that night which was peaceful as a silent lake deep within a mountain range, I was recalling my conversation with that lady. 

No, just that last undeniable question. 

For what reason did SHIKI die in Shiki's stead. SHIKI isn't here to reply. 

--- SHIKI who is no longer here. 

Exactly why did he disappear. 

What did he disappear in exchange for. 

SHIKI who liked to dream. 

He was always asleep. But on that night of the rain he abandoned even that action and died. 

The self I can no longer meet, the self I could never meet in the first place. 

SHIKI, who was always myself. 

My consciousness settles down. 

In an attempt to reach the conclusion he reached I look back through my memories. 

Creak, the door to the room opens. 

Following that slow footsteps approach me. 

Is it a nurse? No, the time is already past midnight. 

If it's a visitor, if could only be --- 

At that moment a human hand wraps around my neck. 

The cold hand squeezes as if to break my neck just like that.

Talk:Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 02

2008-09-08T21:45:13Z

DrChaos:

: It was the reason Shiki surpassed her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family.

Should this not be "heir to the Ryougi family" ?

--[[User:DrChaos|DrChaos]] 14:42, 8 September 2008 (PDT)

Talk:Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 02

2008-09-08T21:42:25Z

DrChaos: New page: It was the reason Shiki surpassed her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family. Should this not be "heir to the Ryougi family" ? --~~~~

It was the reason Shiki surpassed her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family.

Should this not be "heir to the Ryougi family" ?
--[[User:DrChaos|DrChaos]] 14:42, 8 September 2008 (PDT)

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 02

2008-09-08T21:41:14Z

DrChaos: fixed a small grammatical error or typo

It's now the next day. 

The fact that even I, who can't see, can tell the arrival of the morning is a small but satisfying discovery. Little things like that are a cause for joy. While I wondered why they made me happy my morning check-up began and ended before I knew it. 

It wasn't very quiet in the afternoon, because my mother and brother came to visit me. Our conversation wasn't very smooth. They felt like strangers to me. With no alternatives I answered their questions according to Shiki's memories, as a result of which my mother went home with an easy mind. 

Everything was funny because, it seemed like I was acting. 

*** 

When evening came around the counselor showed up. 

The woman who initially introduced herself as a speech therapist was so bright and cheerful that I couldn't see any depth to her personality. 

I've never heard of a case where a doctor greeted a patient with the words "Hi, how have you been?" 

"Oh, I thought you would be all emaciated, but the vibrancy of your skin is no joke. You know, when I first heard your story I pictured something along the lines of a ghost under a cherry tree so I didn't really feel like coming. But hey, you are a cute young lady along my line of fancy so it's my lucky day!" 

The woman who I reckon to be in her late twenties, judging by her voice, sits down in the chair next to the bed I'm lying in. 

"Pleased to meet you. I'm the speech therapist who is to help you get over your aphasia. I'm not a resident doctor here so I don't have any ID, but I guess it won't be a problem since you can't see anyway." 

"--- Aphasia? Me?" 

"Oho"

The doctor goes, after finally getting a reply. I get the feeling she nodded her head as well. 

"There you go, it's normal to show anger. After all, aphasia isn't a very good image and in your case it's a misdiagnosis. Asika-kun is a textbook doctor so he's a bit weak when it comes to special cases like yours. Even so, you are being naughty. People are getting such misconceptions because you can't be bothered to answer them." 

The woman smiles as if she is great friends with me. --- It was totally my own opinion but I decided then and there that this was a person who wore glasses. 

"So they think I have aphasia." 

"Yeah, since you did hurt your brain in the accident they are wondering if your speech circuits are damaged or something. However that's a misconception, the reason for your silence isn't physiological but psychological isn't it? So it's not aphasia, just you being stubborn. In that case my role isn't needed but it feels bad to be cut off before a minute has passed, and since nothing's happening with my main job I'll play with you for a bit." 

--- This is a useless act of kindness. 

I reach out for the button to call the nurse, but the lady doctor quickly removes it from my reach. 

"... You." 

"Dangerous, dangerous. If you talk to Asika-kun now I'll be kicked out straight away. Anyway, isn't this good? If you pretend to have aphasia, you won't have to reply to useless questions. It's better this way, right?" 

... That's correct. But who is this person that can say such things so boldly? 

I turn my bandaged eyes towards the unknown lady doctor. 

"You are not a doctor are you?" 

"Nope, I'm a magus as my main job." 

That's so absurd I let out a sigh. 

"I don't have any business with a magician." 

"Ahahaha, that's correct. A mage can't fix that hole in your chest. The only thing that can fill it is a normal person." 

"--- A hole, in my chest ---?" 

"Yeah, you should be feeling it. That you are alone now." 

The lady doctor smothers a laugh and stands up. I can hear her arranging the chairs and her footsteps as she goes out. 

"I think it's still too early, so let's leave it at this for now. I'll come again tomorrow, bye!" 

After appearing so abruptly, she leaves equally as suddenly. 

I touch my lips with the right hand that I have difficulty moving. 

Now... Alone... 

A hole... in my chest... 

--- Oh, how can this be? 

Oh no, I hadn't realized. 

No one. No matter where I call he's not there. The existence called Ryougi SHIKI that existed within Ryougi Shiki has disappeared without a trace. 

Shiki was a dual personality disorder sufferer who possessed another personality within herself. Inside the Ryougi family, children with two personalities were born genetically. That which would be shunned in a normal family was instead celebrated as inherent of a transcendent being, and the bearers were treated as the true heirs of the family. 

... Shiki inherited that blood. It was the reason Shiki surpassed her older brother to become the heir to the Shiki family. 

But this kind of thing doesn't happen very often. 

Two personalities --- Yang affinity males and Yin affinity females, between those the leadership of the Yang affinity male is usually stronger. Among the few true Ryougi heirs until now, all had been born as men and had female personalities inside. But due to some mistake, Shiki was the reverse of the norm. 

Inside the female Shiki, the male, SHIKI, was included. 

The one with dominance over the body was the female Shiki --- me. 

SHIKI was my ''minus'' face, he contained my suppressed emotions. Shiki grew up suppressing the darkness called SHIKI. Time after time she killed the self called SHIKI and lived pretending to be normal. SHIKI didn't seem to have any complaints about that. After being asleep inside of me he woke up for things like sword training and took charge while complaining as if it was annoying. 

... It might seem like a master/servant relationship but the reality wasn't like that. In the end Shiki and SHIKI are one person, so Shiki's actions are SHIKI's, and SHIKI suppressing his own fancies was also Shiki's wish as well. 

... Yes, SHIKI was a murderer. As far as I know he had no experience at it but, he had a desire within him to kill those beings called humans that were the same organism as him. The dominant personality of Shiki ignored this - in short, she forbade it. 

Shiki and SHIKI were inseparable beings, although they ignored each other. Shiki was lonely but because of the self called SHIKI she wasn't alone. 

But the time came when that relationship would be destroyed. 

Two years ago --- when Shiki was a first year high school student. The season when for the first time SHIKI, who until then hadn't wanted to use the body, had asked to go out of his own volition. 

From there on, Shiki's memory is hazy. 

Right now I can't bring to mind any of Shiki's memories from the beginning of the first year of high school, until I was involved in the accident. 

The thing I remember --- my shape standing at the site of the murder. More than that, there's an image that I can remember even more clearly than that. 

The classroom burning red in the light of the sunset. 

The one who destroyed Shiki, my classmate. 

The boy, that Shiki wanted to kill. 

The piece of normality, that Shiki wanted to protect. 

I got the feeling that I knew this a long time ago. 

But the me that has woken from a long sleep, his name is the one thing I can't yet remember. 

*** 

Night falls, and the hospital grows quiet. 

Only the occasional sound of slippers echoing through the corridors makes me feel that I'm awake. 

Inside the darkness --- no, because I'm in the darkness. The blind me, I take to heart the fact that I'm alone. If I was the previous Shiki, I wouldn't have had this kind of feeling. Shiki, who had another self inside her. But SHIKI no longer exists. No --- I, I don't even know whether I'm Shiki or SHIKI. 

SHIKI had disappeared from inside me. With that alone I recognize myself as Shiki. 

"Hic hic... What kind of contradiction is this. Not knowing which side one is if one side is missing." 

I try talking to myself but the emptiness in my chest doesn't even fill a little. Even just the thought that I am sad would have some change on this emotionless mind of mine. 

I won't be able to know. 

Since I am no one, I can't feel that Ryougi Shiki's memories are really mine. Even if the shell called Ryougi Shiki exists, when the contents are washed away the shell has no meaning. .... Oh it hurts. What must go inside this empty cave? 

"--- I, will, go, in..." 

Suddenly I hear words like that. 

A movement of the air as if a door has opened. 

''It's probably my imagination'' 

I turn my closed eyes that way. 

There's --- something there. 

White smoke is billowing. My eyes that shouldn't be able to see can see the shape of the smoke. The smoke strangely resembled a human. No, it seemed as if a human lacked bones and was swaying in the wind like a sunflower. 

The unpleasant smoke comes straight at me. 

I can't move as I like yet, so I just blankly wait for it. 

Even if this is a ghost, I'm not afraid. 

The really scary things have no shape. No matter how weird something is, if it has form I can't be scared. 

And --- if it is a ghost, the current me may as well be the same. After all there's not much difference between a thing that isn't alive, and me, who has no reason to live. 

The smoke slaps me. 

My whole body and mind go into overdrive. The chill that rakes down my spine is as sharp as a bird's talons. 

It was an unpleasant sensation but I just dumbly sat there and watched. After touching me for an age, the smoke melts like a snail sprinkled with salt. 

The reason is simple. It's been five hours since the smoke started touching me. It will soon be five o'clock. The ghost melted because it's now morning. 

Since I haven't slept, I decide to go to sleep again.

User:DrChaos

2008-09-08T21:35:47Z

DrChaos: New page: Bored

Bored

Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter04 05

2008-09-08T21:33:14Z

DrChaos: fixed a few spelling errors and typos

'''/ 5''' 

"Ah ---." 

The pressure on her neck makes Shiki cry out in pain. 

I can't breathe. My throat is getting crushed. At this rate my neck is going to be twisted off before I have any problems breathing. 

Shiki stares at the opponent with her unseeing eyes. 

... It's not --- a human. 

No, the body is that of a human, but the person who is choking the like out of her is already dead. A corpse is moving by itself and attacking Shiki who is on the bed. 

The pressure on her neck does not ease. 

Shiki resists, holding the attacker's arms with both hands but the difference in strength is obvious. 

''More than anything --- wasn't this what she wanted? ''

"---." 

Shiki stop breathing and removes her hands from the corpse's arm. 

If I'm going to be killed like this it's okay, so just give up. After all there's no meaning to my life. To exist when you cannot even feel that you are alive, there can be no greater agony than that. 

To just disappear is natural providence, even a thought like that comes into my mind. 

My strength is slipping away. 

Although only a few seconds would have flowed past the times seems to pass very slowly. It stretches like a rubber band. 

The corpse squeezes down on Shiki's throat. Heatless fingers that feel as if they are made of wood dig into her neck. 

This murder has no feeling to it, and from the start there was no sign of a will behind it either. 

The flesh of my neck tears. 

The flow of blood is proof that I'm alive. 

By dying --- dying like SHIKI --- I am throwing that away. 

... Throwing it away? That phrase makes Shiki regain consciousness. 

A sudden question forms. 

Would he have died so willingly. 

... That's right, I hadn't thought of that. 

Whatever the reason, would his will have been completely behind his decision? 

There's no way he would have wanted to die. 

--- Death is such a lonely and worthless thing. 

Death is such a black and unpleasant thing. 

Death, would have been scarier than anything else --- ! 

"--- No." 

All of a sudden Shiki's body is vitalised. 

Grabbing the corpse's neck with both hands she pushes the opponent's belly with one foot from her squashed position and --- 

"I don't want to fall into that place again --- !" 

--- Kicks the lump of meat with all her might. 

Slip, slipping from the bloody flesh the corpse's hands come off Shiki's neck. 

Shiki gets off the bed. 

The corpse leaps at Shiki straight away and the two get tangled up in the lightless hospital room. 

The corpse's body is that of an adult human, two heads bigger than Shiki. No matter how she struggles Shiki is pushed back. With both arms trapped Shiki slowly pulls back. It's a small hospital room so she soon reaches the wall. Whack, the moment she touched the wall Shiki made up her mind. 

She voluntarily fled so that there would be a window behind her. 

She calculated how she would fall back. 

The problem --- how many floors up it is. 

"--- Don't hesitate." 

Scolding herself she removes the arms that were holding the corpse back. 

The corpse stretches its hands towards her neck, but faster than that --- she opened the window with her freed hands and the two fell out as if they were getting tangled up. 

***

The instant I begin to fall. 

I grab the corpse's head and reverse who is above and who is below. 

(spin - SoundFX), after the arrangement changed so that the corpse was on the ground side and I was on top riding it, I jumped by sense alone. 

The ground already seems to be right in front of my nose. 

The corpse's body gets hurled against the ground, and I was jumping horizontal to the ground before my body could roll over. 

(Ururu - SoundFX), scattering the dirt of the hospital lawn I land with both arms and legs. 

The corpse fell on the hospital flower beds --- and it happened that I slipped and fell on the lawn which is a fair distance from there. 

I had just executed a miraculous fall, the likes of which I hadn't done once in the dojo --- but the weight of that great height of three floors was paralysing my body. 

Around me are only the trees of the garden and the silent night, where not a sound can be heard even when it's like this. 

My body doesn't move and I can only feel the pain in my neck. 

Ahhhh --- I'm still alive. 

And --- That corpse hasn't died yet. 

If I don't want to die it's obvious as to what I need to do. 

Kill before you are killed. Just by thinking that the emptiness in my heart disappears. A the same time a lot of feelings are unlocked. 

"Really, what is this." I grumble. 

Through this sort of thing I open my eyes. 

Yes --- the me that was brooding for so long seems like an idiot. 

When the answer is so simple. 

***

"How surprising. Are you a cat?" 

The voice comes from right behind Shiki. 

Without turning to look Shiki was valiantly enduring the shock of the landing. 

"You? Why are you at a place like this?" 

The self-titled magus/counsellor answers Shiki's question as if it wasn't important. 

"Because I was keeping watch. I was standing guard thinking they would come around tonight or so. See, you don't have any time to rest. A hospital definitely has some strong corpses. They can't get into a live body so they decided to show their abilities. After infecting a corpse they were going to make you theirs after killing you." 

"Whatever's going on, it's all the fault of that weird rock you gave me." 

Shiki talks as she leans against the ground. In her words there's not even a hint of the hesitation she has shown until now. 

"Oh, you knew? Well, yes. This is definitely my mistake. I placed a ward around the room so spirits couldn't get in, but I never expected they would go and obtain a body in order to break it. Normally they don't have that sort of intelligence." 

Hahaha, the magus laughs as if she's amused. 

"Really? In that case you do something." 

"Okay." 

Tock, and the magus lifts her finger. 

How would it have looked to the Shiki who couldn't see? 

The magus writes in the air with her cigarette flame. The writing is reflected on the corpse as if it were being projected. 

The far-off country composed only of straight lines, the engraved sorcery of a far-off world. The circuit called Rune moves and in an instant --- the body of the corpse lying collapsed on the ground begins to burn. 

"--- it's too weak with just the F in the air." The magus mumbles. 

The flame covered corpse slowly stands up. 

Somehow moving with two completely broken legs the corpse drags itself towards Shiki as if moving by muscle power along. 

The flames soon go out. 

"Oi --- you charlatan." 

"Don't shout like that. It's very difficult to destroy something the size of a human. A living person is finished if you just burn the heart, but you can't do that with the living dead. They are dead so it doesn't matter whether they lose a head of an arm. You realise that you can't get rid of a human itself with something that has the firepower of a gun right? To stop that thing you would have to bring the firepower of a crematorium --- or a monk of high moral integrity." 

"That's enough showing off. Whatever the problem I think it's too much for you to handle." 

It seemed that Shiki's comment severely hurt the magus's self-respect. 

"It's too much for you to handle either. A corpse is already dead so you can't kill it. Coincidentally, while you can kill a person with what you have you can't get rid of them. Let's run away for now." 

The magus retreats. 

But Shiki doesn't move. 

It's not that the descent from the third floor broke her leg. 

She is, just smiling. 

"Whether it's dead or whatever, that corpse is 'alive'. In that case ---." 

She gets up from her leaning position. 

That was similar to the bent-back posture of a predator leaping at its prey. 

Shhhk, she touches her neck. Blood is still flowing. The flesh is torn. There is a mark where she was strangled --- but she is still alive. 

And that was an ecstatic sensation. 

"--- Whatever it is, I'm going to kill it." 

Shrrrg, she unwraps the bandages covering her eyes. 

In the darkness the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception are awakened. 

Two delicate legs kick the ground. 

The corpse reaches out with its arms at Shiki who is rushing towards it. 

Narrowly slipping past it she rips apart the corpse with one hand as if she is feeling for the line visible to her eyes. 

Shiki's nails pass through in an even cut from the right shoulder to the left hip. 

Thanks to that her fingerbone broke but the corpse's wound was much greater. 

(collapse -SoundFX), because the strings controlling it have been cut the corpse falls to the ground. One arm though apparently still has strings attached and the corpse which has slowly crawled over to her grabs Shiki's ankle. 

Shiki doesn't hesitate and grinds that arm under her foot. 

"A dead body shouldn't appear before me," said Shiki and laughed silently. 

I'm alive. 

It's like my state of mind until now was a lie, to think that I can so clearly feel that I'm alive... 

"Shiki!'' 

Calling Shiki loudly the magus throws something towards her. 

One undecorated silver-coloured knife. 

Shiki grabs the knife which stuck in the ground and looks the still moving corpse as if it were a wart. And just like that, she stabs the corpse's neck with the knife. 

The corpse quickly stops moving --- but then. 

"Idiot, if you are going to stab it stab the main body itself!" 

The disastrous result appeared faster than the magus's scolding. 

As soon as Shiki stabbed the corpse --- smoke popped out of the dead body. Becoming desperate as if it wants to run away the smoke disappears into Shiki's body. 

"---," 

(collapse-SoundFX), Shiki's knees limply hit the ground. 

Unable to infect her till now because she was conscious, the spirits take advantage of the instant when Shiki loses her sense of self due to the excitement of killing and invade her body. 

"You fumbled the finish idiot." 

The magus comes running over. But Shiki's body stops that with one hand. 

Don't come, at this signal the magus stops and stands still. 

Shiki's body grabs the hilt of the knife with both hands and points the blade at her own chest. 

The blank eyes regain their strong resolve. 

Lips shut tight, she bites down on her teeth. 

The tip of the knife touches her chest. 

Her will and her body --- they have not been taken over by something so weak as a wandering spirit. 

"Now I won't lose you." 

Her mumbling isn't directed at anyone else, it's directed at herself. Shiki perceives the death of the thing crawling around inside her. 

What is being stabbed is Ryougi Shiki's body. But, that only kills that collective entity that cannot exist. Shiki is confident that she will not receive a wound. 

And so she gathered her strength. 

"I am killing the weak me." 

To something like you --- I will not hand over Ryougi Shiki. 

The knife slides easily into her chest. 

***

She pulls out the silver-coloured knife. 

No blood flows. She only has the pain to tell her that she has stabbed her chest. 

Shing, Shiki swings the knife as if she is shaking the dirty soul of the blade. 

"Hey, you said it. That you would teach me the way to use these eyes." 

Her way of speaking now begins to settle into a pattern. The magus nods her head in satisfaction at this change.

"There are conditions, but I'll teach you how to use your death perception. In return help me with my work. I just lost the one I bossed around so I need a new pair of feet and hands right now." 

Shiki doesn't even turn around to face the magus and quietly says, "So that's how it is". 

"If I do that can I kill people?" 

It's an utterance to make even the magus shiver. 

"Ahhh, of course." 

"In that case I will do it. Use me as you will. Since I didn't have any objectives apart from that anyway." 

Shiki with her melancholic voice, she slowly sinks to the ground. Maybe because of her exhaustion from the recent events --- or maybe because of her violent act of stabbing her own chest. 

The magus picks up her body and gazes at her sleeping face. A face too ambiguous to call it sleep --- a frozen face as if she is dead. 

The sorceress who gazes upon that face for a long while. Before long she mumbles some words. 

"You say you don't have any objectives? That's tragic, you know, you are still confused." 

Shiki's peaceful appearance. 

The sorceress talks as if she resents it. 

"The fact that you are empty means that you can fill that emptiness with as much as you want. You happy person, where's a better future than that?"

Mumbling something like that the magus clicks her tongue. 

Because she is embarrassed at herself for saying such sincere words. 

... When they were things she had forgotten for such a long time.