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Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-10-12T06:20:35Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like I won’t be able to leisurely walk to school as I was planning to. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school that was not at the top of Mount Everest. I suppose this is why people in fiction invent teleporters. All of this was just too depressing.

All this was part of the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. Honestly though, they look kind of stupid with those sparkling eyes. As for me, I had no strange ideas — a lot of my old classmates from my junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the women's handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for handball here... She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on. Just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's all introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty much the norm, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I couldn’t help it, I was starting to get nervous.

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I will never forget these next few moments, no matter how hard I try.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my comrade! That is all." 

Eh?

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, not gigantic, but he stood out. He had long dark hair that came down past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his cold, glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

This was my first impression of Suzumiya Haruki.

Haruki, with eyes of cold fire, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (my mouth was hanging open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But it sounded more like he was challenging someone to a duel... Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone there had the same question: "Is he serious? Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that somber face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on experience—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable that was. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school student.

This was only the calm before the storm. Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal, good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. Argh, I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking, shut-mouthed, glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-looking guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, well-built Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-maniac or a delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are annoying!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me?

Isn't there a saying, "With friends like these..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is." She used this line as the beginning of her speech. "He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien stuff?"

Kunikida, who had been picking bones out of her fried fish, looked up, intrigued.

"Yeah, that. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge, huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so amazing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

...I don't remember hearing about that.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice. "I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like... he never says anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to another world, and so on... There were a lot of rumors, but as long as Suzumiya himself refuses to talk, we may never know if they’re true or not. To this very day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, drawing strange shapes in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"And that's not the only thing he did!" Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch. "This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I totally don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to eat; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s still pretty popular, though!” Taniguchi winked. "He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious or something. And his 'lone wolf' attitude adds plenty of points too." 

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's. 

"Well, for a while, he randomly started asking girls out, non-stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I don’t have time to socialize with ordinary humans! You're a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and sputtered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out girls at random! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, Kyon, stay away from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a giggle.

"Now, if there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant smile on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspection, he definitely enters my 'Top Ten Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You have a list?" I asked, incredulous.

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as fun as possible."

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me...

But Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki was.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like the class president. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was looked up to by many of the male students. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to becoming the idol of all the guys, who seemed to think of him as their feudal lord. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration... I can't remember.

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical 'handsome prince' from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have magical powers. If I did, Suzumiya would probably carry me off to be his bride... 

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant there was still a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know I only had a month left before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Attention! The following is a list of Haruki's Peculiarities.

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday...

...I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks then. Probably like some typical shonen anime character.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just start taking off his shirt, before pulling off his pants and getting into his gym gear. He would ignore us all, as if we were just trees and bushes.

Most of the girls were completely confused, while a shameful few couldn’t help but squeal in delight. It was up to Asakura Ryou to escort all the girls, myself included, out.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class led by Asakura Ryou attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he ignored them. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take off his clothes without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls would leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built... argh, what am I saying?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d immediately grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him... All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but he turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kind of stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn.
…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. Why does the Earth make me suffer so? Haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere. "Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. A few years back, my long-time-no-see good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week." I responded indifferently as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua.

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy new clothes for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------
Suzumiya Haruki was already in his seat, staring at the ceiling, when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it...)— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes. It was actually a little frightening.

"When was it that you noticed?" His tone was so cold, I could feel the temperature drop.

I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"A-awhile ago, I think."

"Well..."

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

Is… is this the first time we’re actually having a conversation?

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Who asked you?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After my answer, Okabe-sensei entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Though our first conversation really wasn’t anything special, it might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Am I weird enough for him to talk to or something?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of gelling up three spikes, Haruki had gotten a haircut, I got quite depressed.

Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Just what is that supposed to mean!

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"No reason, whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

------

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None at all."

He emphasized this, and then slowly let out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They’re all boring. If there was some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I knew you’d say that."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not very important, but... did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"What does it matter to you?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Bored”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I hope she isn't one of those stalking psycho girls...”

Don't think so.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with any of them! Each one expects to be taken out to dinner with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said anything about you?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"What I want to know is, are all girls so dimwitted and annoying? This question has been bothering me since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?!"

Haruki looked down at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are no fun at all!"

"That’s… well, you could be right..."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT'S WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT'S WHY I'M WORKING SO HARD!!" 

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's meet them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh...

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of spell did you cast?"

"Spell? What spell?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I reply. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all.

"I can’t believe it!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new... Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would want to talk to Kyon! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. How do you get him to talk to you so easily?"

I was so surprised that I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved that at the very least Haruki won't go on being isolated from his classmates, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like the class president because, well, he is our class president. He was elected in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

Even if you say that, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

Wait one minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, lightly putting his palms together.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

------

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura Ryou wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck...

"Why won’t anything interesting happen here?!” He’s complaining again. “Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something exciting like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some good clubs, but this, this is like trying to get into the Major Leagues but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

I decided to express my opinion.

"Judging from our history," I began, "Humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored." 

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? I’m used to it already.

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I looked for any sign of the impossible for years.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I am normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming.

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert.

"I got it!" 

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my hair nearly being ripped out.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement. 

"What's with that attitude? You should be waaay happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My aching scalp just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-10-12T04:25:20Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like I won’t be able to leisurely walk to school as I was planning to. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school that was not at the top of Mount Everest. I suppose this is why people in fiction invent teleporters. All of this was just too depressing.

All this was part of the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. Honestly though, they look kind of stupid with those sparkling eyes. As for me, I had no strange ideas — a lot of my old classmates from my junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the women's handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for handball here... She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on. Just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's all introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty much the norm, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I couldn’t help it, I was starting to get nervous.

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I will never forget these next few moments, no matter how hard I try.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my comrade! That is all." 

Eh, what's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, not gigantic, but he stood out. He had long dark hair that came down past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his cold, glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

This was my first impression of Suzumiya Haruki.

Haruki, with eyes of cold fire, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (my mouth was hanging open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But it sounded more like he was challenging someone to a duel... Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone there had the same question: "Is he serious? Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that somber face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on experience—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable that was. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school student.

This was only the calm before the storm. Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal, good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. Argh, I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking, shut-mouthed, glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-looking guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, well-built Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-maniac or a delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are annoying!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me?

Isn't there a saying, "With friends like these..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is." She used this line as the beginning of her speech. "He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien stuff?"

Kunikida, who had been picking bones out of her fried fish, looked up, intrigued.

"Yeah, that. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge, huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so amazing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

...I don't remember hearing about that.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice. "I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like... he never says anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to another world, and so on... There were a lot of rumors, but as long as Suzumiya himself refuses to talk, we may never know if they’re true or not. To this very day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, drawing strange shapes in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"And that's not the only thing he did!" Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch. "This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I totally don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to eat; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s still pretty popular, though!” Taniguchi winked. "He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious or something. And his 'lone wolf' attitude adds plenty of points too." 

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's. 

"Well, for a while, he randomly started asking girls out, non-stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I don’t have time to socialize with ordinary humans! You're a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and sputtered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out girls at random! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, Kyon, stay away from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a giggle.

"Now, if there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant smile on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspection, he definitely enters my 'Top Ten Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You have a list?" I asked, incredulous.

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as fun as possible."

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me...

But Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki was.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like the class president. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was looked up to by many of the male students. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to becoming the idol of all the guys, who seemed to think of him as their feudal lord. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration... I can't remember.

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical 'handsome prince' from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have magical powers. If I did, Suzumiya would probably carry me off to be his bride... 

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant there was still a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know I only had a month left before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Attention! The following is a list of Haruki's Peculiarities.

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday...

...I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks then. Probably like some typical shonen anime character.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just start taking off his shirt, before pulling off his pants and getting into his gym gear. He would ignore us all, as if we were just trees and bushes.

Most of the girls were completely confused, while a shameful few couldn’t help but squeal in delight. It was up to Asakura Ryou to escort all the girls, myself included, out.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class led by Asakura Ryou attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he ignored them. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take off his clothes without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls would leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built... argh, what am I saying?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d immediately grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him... All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but he turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kind of stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn.
…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. Why does the Earth make me suffer so? Haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere. "Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. A few years back, my long-time-no-see good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week." I responded indifferently as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua.

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy new clothes for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------
Suzumiya Haruki was already in his seat, staring at the ceiling, when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it...)— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes. It was actually a little frightening.

"When was it that you noticed?" His tone was so cold, I could feel the temperature drop.

I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"A-awhile ago, I think."

"Well..."

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

Is… is this the first time we’re actually having a conversation?

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Who asked you?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After my answer, Okabe-sensei entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Though our first conversation really wasn’t anything special, it might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Am I weird enough for him to talk to or something?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of gelling up three spikes, Haruki had gotten a haircut, I got quite depressed.

Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Just what is that supposed to mean!

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"No reason, whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

------

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None at all."

He emphasized this, and then slowly let out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They’re all boring. If there was some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I knew you’d say that."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not very important, but... did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"What does it matter to you?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Bored”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I hope she isn't one of those stalking psycho girls...”

Don't think so.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with any of them! Each one expects to be taken out to dinner with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said anything about you?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"What I want to know is, are all girls so dimwitted and annoying? This question has been bothering me since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?!"

Haruki looked down at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are no fun at all!"

"That’s… well, you could be right..."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT'S WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT'S WHY I'M WORKING SO HARD!!" 

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's meet them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh...

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of spell did you cast?"

"Spell? What spell?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I reply. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all.

"I can’t believe it!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new... Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would want to talk to Kyon! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. How do you get him to talk to you so easily?"

I was so surprised that I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved that at the very least Haruki won't go on being isolated from his classmates, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like the class president because, well, he is our class president. He was elected in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

Even if you say that, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

Wait one minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, lightly putting his palms together.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

------

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura Ryou wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck...

"Why won’t anything interesting happen here?!” He’s complaining again. “Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something exciting like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some good clubs, but this, this is like trying to get into the Major Leagues but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

I decided to express my opinion.

"Judging from our history," I began, "Humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored." 

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? I’m used to it already.

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I looked for any sign of the impossible for years.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I am normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming.

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert.

"I got it!" 

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my hair nearly being ripped out.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement. 

"What's with that attitude? You should be waaay happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My aching scalp just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-10-11T20:21:49Z

Kaisos: FINAL EDIT. SOMEONE SHUT DISCREET UP.

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like I won’t be able to leisurely walk to school as I was planning to. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school that was not at the top of Mount Everest. I suppose this is why people in fiction invent teleporters. All of this was just too depressing.

All this was part of the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. Honestly though, they look kind of stupid with those sparkling eyes. As for me, I had no strange ideas — a lot of my old classmates from my junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the women's handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for handball here... She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's all introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty much the norm, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I couldn’t help it, I was starting to get nervous.

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I will never forget these next few moments, no matter how hard I try.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my comrade! That is all." 

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, not gigantic, but he stood out. He had long dark hair that came down past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his cold, glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

This was my first impression of Suzumiya Haruki.

Haruki, with eyes of cold fire, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (my mouth was hanging open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But it sounded more like he was challenging someone to a duel... Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone there had the same question: "Is he serious? Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that somber face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on experience—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable that was. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school student.

This was only the calm before the storm. Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal, good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. Argh, I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking, shut-mouthed, glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-looking guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, well-built Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-maniac or a delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me?

Isn't there a saying, "With friends like these..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is." She used this line as the beginning of her speech. "He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien stuff?"

Kunikida, who had been picking bones out of her fried fish, looked up, intrigued.

"Yeah, that. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge, huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so amazing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

...I don't remember hearing about that.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice. "I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like... he never says anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to another world, and so on... There were a lot of rumors, but as long as Suzumiya himself refuses to talk, we may never know if they’re true or not. To this very day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, drawing strange shapes in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"And that's not the only thing he did!" Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch. "This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I totally don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to eat; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s still pretty popular, though!” Taniguchi winked. "He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious or something. And his 'lone wolf' attitude adds plenty of points too." 

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's. 

"Well, for a while, he randomly started asking girls out, non-stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I don’t have time to socialize with ordinary humans! You're a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and sputtered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out girls at random! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, Kyon, stay away from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a giggle.

"Now, if there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant smile on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspection, he definitely enters my 'Top Ten Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You have a list?" I asked, incredulous.

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as fun as possible."

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me...

But Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki was.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like the class president. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was looked up to by many of the male students. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to becoming the idol of all the guys, who seemed to think of him as their feudal lord. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration... I can't remember.

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical 'handsome prince' from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have magical powers. If I did, Suzumiya would probably carry me off to be his bride... 

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant there was still a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know I only had a month left before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Attention! The following is a list of Haruki's Peculiarities.

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday...

...I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks then. Probably like some typical shonen anime character.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just start taking off his shirt, before pulling off his pants and getting into his gym gear. He would ignore us all, as if we were just trees and bushes.

Most of the girls were completely confused, while a shameful few couldn’t help but squeal in delight. It was up to Asakura Ryou to escort all the girls, myself included, out.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class led by Asakura Ryou attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he ignored them. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take off his clothes without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls would leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built... argh, what am I saying?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d immediately grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him... All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but he turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kind of stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn.
…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. Why does the Earth make me suffer so? Haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere. "Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. A few years back, my long-time-no-see good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week." I responded indifferently as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua.

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy new clothes for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------
Suzumiya Haruki was already in his seat, staring at the ceiling, when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it...)— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes. It was actually a little frightening.

"When was it that you noticed?" His tone was so cold, I could feel the temperature drop.

I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"A-awhile ago, I think."

"Well..."

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

Is… is this the first time we’re actually having a conversation?

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Who asked you?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After my answer, Okabe-sensei entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Though our first conversation really wasn’t anything special, it might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Am I weird enough for him to talk to or something?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of gelling up three spikes, Haruki had gotten a haircut, I got quite depressed.

Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Just what is that supposed to mean!

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"No reason, whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

------

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None at all."

He emphasized this, and then slowly let out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They’re all boring. If there was some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I knew you’d say that."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not very important, but... did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"What does it matter to you?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Bored”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I hope she isn't one of those stalking psycho girls...”

Don't think so.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with any of them! Each one expects to be taken out to dinner with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said anything about you?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"What I want to know is, are all girls so dimwitted and annoying? This question has been bothering me since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?!"

Haruki looked down at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are no fun at all!"

"That’s… well, you could be right..."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT'S WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT'S WHY I'M WORKING SO HARD!!" 

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's meet them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh...

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of spell did you cast?"

"Spell? What spell?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I reply. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all.

"I can’t believe it!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new... Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would want to talk to Kyon! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. How do you get him to talk to you so easily?"

I was so surprised that I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved that at the very least Haruki won't go on being isolated from his classmates, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like the class president because, well, he is our class president. He was elected in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

Even if you say that, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

Wait one minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, lightly putting his palms together.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

------

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura Ryou wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck...

"Why won’t anything interesting happen here?!” He’s complaining again. “Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something exciting like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some good clubs, but this, this is like trying to get into the Major Leagues but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

I decided to express my opinion.

"Judging from our history," I began, "Humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored." 

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? I’m used to it already.

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I looked for any sign of the impossible for years.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I am normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming.

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert.

"I got it!" 

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my hair nearly being ripped out.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement. 

"What's with that attitude? You should be waaay happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My aching scalp just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-09-19T21:06:33Z

Kaisos: Fixe'd. Again.

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and screaming) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop. 

This is ''not'' what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought...

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near-broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? What, are you going to make me your bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down! 

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes, and, of course, towering over me. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’, he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disoriented schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh... saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name just had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls warned of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the school Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the 'Old Complex'. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been canceled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been canceled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You... idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, just so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. The movement of his fingers was robotic. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his default face seemed to be a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, actually.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them (though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure) and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ''ridiculously'' cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminded me a bit of my little brother.

This is Haruki's 'chosen candidate'?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...Was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. It didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one... but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because...?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Argh, nevermind... um, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist. “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!” 

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had regained his footing, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruki chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a... mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..." 

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec. club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature Club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature Club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"

"In fact, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preparation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a ''wonderful'' occasion! 

How did I get involved in this?

Sigh...

Look, just... do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please, just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww... he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki the next day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student... when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that Haruki and I were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his own, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki and Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once sparse Literature Clubroom began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something? 

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?"

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!" Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar to the Literature Clubroom, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!" Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates? Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted. "If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze.

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.” The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!” That would be the President, shrieking. “Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?” 

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai.

Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki.

That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models," he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, you said you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly, not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

You know, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life.

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hey!" I greeted the people inside.

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but those two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

Seeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all been thrown straight out the window. I am ''such'' an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. (Is that my promised present...?) "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so happy not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the struggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's locked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- GAAAAAH!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public...”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them!

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing 'dancer', the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turned out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realized that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a newcomer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the morning or to take to the movies on Sunday! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What am I gonna do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

If I had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
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|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-09-18T04:32:54Z

Kaisos: Fixe'd. A lot. Also added ironic and amusing comments.

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like my intent to walk to school in a leisurely fashion wasn’t going to work. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school ''not'' at the top of Mount Everest. I suppose this is why people in stories invent time machines. All of this was just too depressing.

That was the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. They look really stupid like that. As for me, that was not the case — a lot of old classmates from my old junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look like something from an H-game. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the women's handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for handball here... She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's all introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty much the norm, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I was starting to get nervous. Everyone here should understand my feelings, right?

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I probably won’t forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Let us hang out together! That is all." 

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, and by tall, I mean ''huge''. He had long dark hair that came down past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his cold, glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

This was my first impression of Suzimiya Haruki.

Haruki, with eyes of cold fire, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (I had my mouth wide open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But even then that sounded more like a challenge to a duel than anything else... Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone's minds were filled with question marks, and that everyone was confused as to what their reaction to this insanity should be. "Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that sombre face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on my hindsight—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable that was. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school student.

This was only the calm before the storm. Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal, good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. Argh, I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy, girlish smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. It’s not like guys haven’t treated me like that before, so it's not all that big of a deal. Still, coming from someone like him is especially... Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking, shut-mouthed, glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-looking guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, well-built Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually ''was'' a sports-obsessed delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me?

Isn't there a saying, "With friends like these..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is." She used this line as the beginning of her speech. "He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien stuff?"

Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.

"Yeah, that. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge, huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so amazing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

...I don't remember hearing about that.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice. "I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like... he never says anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to a different world, and so on... A lot of speculations went around, but as long as Suzumiya himself refuses to talk, we might never know if those rumors are true or not. To this very day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, busy laying the lines in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"That's not the only thing he did!" Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch. "This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I just don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to eat; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Unless he gets a lot of food... (he probably eats a lot, to support that huge frame...) Furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s really popular, though!” Taniguchi winked. "He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious and sexy. And his 'lone wolf' appearance adds plenty of points too." 

I get the feeling that's more cognitive dissonance than his personality actually being likable.

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's. 

"Well, for a while, he randomly started asking girls out, non-stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I do not wish to socialize with ordinary women! You’re a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out girls at random! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, stay away from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was." 

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle. 

"If there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant smile on his face, was Asakura Ryou. 

"Judging from my inspection, he definitely enters my 'Top Ten Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You have a ''list''?" I asked, incredulous.

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as (giggle) fun as possible." 

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me... hey, where am I going with this?

"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.

I'll bet there's some sort of story behind that one, but, moving on...

Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like the class president. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the male students. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of all the guys, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration... I can't remember. 

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical 'handsome prince' from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have magical powers. If I did, Suzumiya would probably carry me off to be his bride... 

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant, for me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Attention! The following is a list of Haruki's Peculiarities. 

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his long hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something? 

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shonen character.

...I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just start taking off his clothes, starting with his shirt, before pulling off his pants and getting into his gym gear.

While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be either completely confused or squealing in delight, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s near-naked body.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take off his clothes without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang. But for those who are either too corrupted to turn back, or who don't believe me, the photographs are available at 200 yen apiece from a certain Kazuma-kun in 1-5.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built... argh, what am I saying?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him... All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kind of stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. (So much for the sensibility of a high school girl.) You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. I mean, how can 1/12 of the population experience the same things on the same day? That's beyond bizarre. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?

…No, that’s just stupid. 

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment? Is the worsening condition of my skin the cure for this disease? And haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere. "Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of ''anything'' more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week." I responded indifferently as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. I ''really'' need that shower...

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------

Suzumiya Haruki was already in his seat, staring at the ceiling, when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it... I blame the heat), before I could catch myself— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.

"When was it that you noticed?" His tone was so icy cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks.

I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"A-awhile ago, I think."

"Well..."

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

I think this is the first time we’ve had an actual conversation!

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Why does your opinion matter?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After I my answer, Okabe-sensei lightly entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Maybe this makes me as weird as he is, talking to him like that?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of resorting to more gel, Haruki had gotten a haircut, I felt quite depressed.

What the...? Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Does he think I'm an undercover alien and I'm onto his plans or something?

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"No reason, whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully. I always tried to keep it about him.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."

He emphasizes this, and then slowly lets out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They are boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I expected to hear that from you."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

-----

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not something important anyway... Did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”? 

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I hope she isn't one of those stalking psycho girls that follow you around for years.”

Don't think so. 

"I do not know ''what'' you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them!
Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner, and they always want candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions. 

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that. 

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there." 

"Who said that your feelings matter?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"The problem is, are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures? I have been agitated by this question since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?!"

When that burst out of me Haruki looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are not any fun at all!"

"...Maybe... you’re right."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get. 

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world. 

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT'S WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him. 

"THAT IS WHY I'M WORKING SO HARD!!" 

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is? 

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's call them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere. 

Sigh... 

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression. 

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of spell did you cast?"

"Spell? What spell?" 

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I fire my question back at Taniguchi. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all, though I did try to keep the conversation about him.

"I’m really surprised!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new... Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would talk to an underdeveloped girl like her! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’! 

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

I think my heart just skipped a couple of beats. 

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. Could you teach me how I should talk to him properly?"

I was too busy trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl so, I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I-I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved. He can't go on being isolated from his classmates like that, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like the class president because, well, he is our class president. He was elected in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

I wanted to say 'Anything for you', but that sounds stupid and I'd never hear the end of it. 

...In any case, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

No, wait! Wait just a minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, putting his palms together and bowing slightly.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

------

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura Ryou wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck...

"Why will something interesting not happen here?!” He’s complaining again. “Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one, and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff." 

"I joined the Mystery Study Group." 

"Oh? What happened?" 

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some ''good'' clubs, but this, this is like trying to get into the Major Leagues but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him? 

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I’ve learned?

"Judging from our history," I began, "Humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored." 

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? ...Looks like I’m used to it already. I think the term to describe this is "learned behavior".

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I’ve been looking for years. The only thing that came close were my grandmother's tea leaves, and even then you had to squint and make VERY loose connections. 

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I’m normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming!

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert. It’s overwhelming... he needs to smile more often.

"I got it!" 

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my hair nearly being ripped out.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement. 

"What's with that attitude? You should be waaay happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My poor, aching head just serves to increase my feeling of unease.



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| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
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Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Prologue

2008-09-17T20:31:21Z

Kaisos:

Sometimes people ask me when I stopped believing in Santa Claus. Really, this kind of silly question, to me, doesn’t hold any real significance. However, if you were to ask me when I stopped believing that the old man wearing the red costume was Santa, then I can confidently say that I have never believed in Santa, ever. I knew that the Santa who appeared at my preschool Christmas party was a fraud. When I sat in his lap, I didn’t feel the eyes of a kindly old man looking down at me. In fact, it felt slightly disturbing to be sitting in the lap of some random old guy and espousing your deepest wishes. I was already wise enough to be suspicious about the existence of an old man who worked only on Christmas Eve.

However, it took me quite a bit longer to realize that the aliens, time-travelers, sailor girls, demons and espers in those effects-filled 'good guys versus evil organization' cartoons didn't actually exist either. No, wait, I probably did realize, I just didn't want to admit it. Deep inside my heart I still wanted those aliens, time-travelers, sailor girls, demons, espers and evil organizations to suddenly appear. Comparing those worlds to this boring, normal life of mine, those flashy worlds win every time; I wanted to live in that world too! I wanted my life to be filled with excitement!

I wanted to be the one who was kidnapped by aliens and imprisoned in a bowl-like fortress, to be the one saved by the handsome prince and taken off to live in castles happily ever after. Or, changing genres, I wanted to be someone who could banish demons and monsters with a single spell, engage in telepathic fights and save my one true love from danger!

But wait, calm down. I don't even have any special powers! None of the guys I knew in my classes did either!
Well then, how about this: one day, a mysterious new student transfers to my class. Except he's really an alien or from the future, and he has telepathic abilities. Then I’ll make friends with him, and his enemies, sensing a weak point, will come and kidnap me for ransom. Then he’ll come and rescue me and I can just sit back and wait. Oh my god, this is great, I am so clever!

Or maybe, if that doesn't work, how about this: one day, a mysterious power inside me awakens, something like a telekinetic or psychic ability. I discover that a lot of other people in this world also have similar powers, and then some sort of paranormal society recruits me. I'll become part of this organization, receive a talking animal companion and protect the world against evil demons!

Unfortunately, reality is surprisingly cruel... No magical prince came to sweep me off my feet. I've never seen a UFO. My dog never talked, even when I fed him alphabet soup. Two hours of intense staring didn't make my pencil move a single millimeter, and glaring at my classmate's head didn't reveal her thoughts to me either. I couldn't help but get depressed at how normal everything was. I began to stop watching for UFOs and paying attention to magical girl cartoons because I finally convinced myself it was impossible. I even reached a point where I only had a sense of nostalgia for those things.

After junior high, I completely grew out of that fantasy world and became utterly grounded in reality. Nothing happened in 1999, even though I kept hoping, just a bit, that something would; humankind hadn't returned to the moon or gone beyond it. I suppose, from the way things are looking, that I'll be long dead before you can book a round trip from Earth to Alpha Centauri.

With those sorts of ordinary, common thoughts in my mind, I became a normal, carefree senior high schoolgirl. That is, until…

Until the day I met Suzumiya Haruki.

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| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
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Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-05-30T05:52:48Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes, and, of course, towering over me. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disoriented schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. The movement of his fingers was robotic. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his default face seemed to be a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them (though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure) and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminded me a bit of my little brother.

This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. It didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had regained his footing, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruki chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

How did I get involved in this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please, just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that Haruki and I were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!" Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze.

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki.

That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, you said you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly, not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but those two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

Seeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all been thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the struggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's locked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them!

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turned out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realized that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a newcomer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the morning or to take to the movies on Sunday! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

If I had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-05-28T23:46:37Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes, and, of course, towering over me. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disoriented schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. The movement of his fingers was robotic. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his default face seemed to be a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them (though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure) and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminded me a bit of my little brother.

This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. It didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had regained his footing, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruki chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

How did I get involved in this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-05-28T23:41:29Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like my intent to walk to school in a leisurely fashion wasn’t going to work. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school not at the top of Mount Everest. (I suppose this is why people in fiction invent time machines.) All of this was just too depressing.

That was the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. (They look really stupid like that.) As for me, that was not the case — a lot of old classmates from my old junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look like something from an H-game. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the womens’ handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for the handball team here. She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty familiar, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I was starting to get nervous. Everyone here should understand my feelings, right?

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I probably won’t forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my bride! That is all."

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, and by tall, I mean ''tall''. He had long dark hair that came down past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

This was my first impression of Suzimiya Haruki.

Haruki, with his passionate eyes, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (I had my mouth wide open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But even then that sounded more like a challenge to a duel than a marriage proposal. Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone's minds were filled with question marks, and that everyone was confused as to what their reaction to this insanity should be. "Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that sombre face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on my hindsight—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school boy.

This was only the calm before the storm! Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy, girlish smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. It’s not like guys haven’t treated me like that before, so it's not all that big of a deal. Still, coming from someone like him is especially... Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking shut-mouthed glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-esque guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, well-built Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-obsessed delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me? Isn't there a saying, "With friends like this..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is."

She used this line as the beginning of her speech.

"He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien bride stuff?"

Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.

"Yeah, that stuff. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so astonishing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

I don't remember hearing about that before.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice.

"I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like, refusing to say anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to different worlds, et cetera... A lot of speculations went around, but as long as the perpetrator himself refuses to talk, we might never know if those rumors are true or not. To this day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, busy laying the lines in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"That's not the only thing he did!"

Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch.

"This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I just don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to enjoy his lunch; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Unless he gets a lot of food… furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s really popular with the girls, though!”

Taniguchi winked.

"He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious and sexy. And his lone wolf appearance adds plenty of points too."

I get the feeling that's more cognitive dissonance than his personality actually being likable.

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's.

"There was a period of time where he randomly started asking girls out, non stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I do not wish to socialize with ordinary women! You’re a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out seemingly random girls! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, stay way from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle.

"If there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant grin on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspections, he definitely enters the 'Top Three Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You checked out every single first-year guy in the school?"

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as (giggle) fun as possible."

Yeah I get it, Taniguchi, but you didn't really answer the question.

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me.

"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.

I'll bet there's some sort of story behind that one, but, moving on...

Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like a class monitor. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the guys in the class. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of the male students in the class, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration...

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical handsome prince from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t have magical powers. I didn’t want to be carried off to be Suzumiya’s bride.

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant to me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Now, why would I say something like that?

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his long hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shonen character.

I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just start taking off his clothes, starting with his shirt, before pulling off his pants and getting into his gym gear.

While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be either completely confused or squealing in delight, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s near-naked body.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take off his clothes without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang. But for those who are either too corrupted to turn back, or who don't believe me, the photographs are available at 200 yen apiece from a certain Kazuma-kun in 1-5.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built… argh, where am I going with this?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him. All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kinda stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. So much for the sensibility of a high school girl. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. I mean, how can 1/12 of the population experience the same things on the same day? That's beyond bizarre. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?

…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment? Is the worsening condition of my skin the cure for this disease? And haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere.

"Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. My uncle was the first person to call me that. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week," was my indifferent response as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. At least my lack of cleavage allowed my chest to cool properly... what am I saying? I really need that shower...

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------

Suzumiya Haruki was already sitting behind my seat staring at the ceiling when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it... I blame the heat), before I could catch myself— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.

"When was it that you noticed?"

His tone was so icy cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks.
I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"A-awhile ago, I think."

"Well..."

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

I think this is the first time we’ve had an actual conversation!

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Why does your opinion matter?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After I my answer, Okabe-sensei lightly entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Maybe this makes me as weird as he is, talking to him like that?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of resorting to more gel, Haruki had gotten a haircut, I felt quite depressed.

What the…? Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Does he think I'm an undercover alien and I'm onto his plans or something?

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"There is no reason whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully. I always tried to keep it about him.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."

He emphasizes this, and then slowly lets out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They are boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I expected to hear that from you."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not something important anyway... Did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I hope she isn't one of those stalking psycho girls that follow you around for years.”

"Don't think so," I thought.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them!
Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner, and they always want candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said that your feelings matter?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"The problem is, are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures? I have been agitated by this question since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?"

When that burst out of me Haruki looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are not any fun at all!"
"...Maybe… you’re right."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT IS WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING SO HARD!!"

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's call them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh…

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of spell did you cast?"

"Spell? What spell?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I fire my question back at Taniguchi. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all, though I did try to keep the conversation about him.

"I’m really surprised!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new, Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would talk to an underdeveloped girl like her! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

I think my heart just skipped a couple of beats.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. Could you teach me how I should talk to him properly?"

I was too busy trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl so, I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I-I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved. He can't go on being isolated from his classmates like that, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like a class monitor because, well, he is our class monitor. He was elected as the class monitor in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

I wanted to say 'Anything for you', but that sounds stupid and I’d never hear the end of it.

…In any case, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

No, wait! Wait just a minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, putting his palms together and bowing slightly.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura-san wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck…

"Why will something interesting not happen here?!”

He’s complaining again.

“Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one, and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some ‘kick-ass’ clubs! But this, this is like trying to get into the Major Leagues but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I’ve learned.

"Judging from our history, humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored."

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? ...Looks like I’m used to it already. I think the term to describe this is "learned behavior".

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I’ve been looking for years. The only thing that came close were my grandmother's tea leaves, and even then you had to squint and make VERY loose connections.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I’m normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming!

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert. It’s overwhelming… he needs to smile more often.

"I got it!"

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my hair nearly being ripped out.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement.

"What's with that attitude? You should be happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My poor, aching head just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-04-29T05:23:25Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like my intent to walk to school in a leisurely fashion wasn’t going to work. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school not at the top of Mount Everest. (I suppose this is why people in fiction invent time machines.) All of this was just too depressing.

That was the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. (They look really stupid like that.) As for me, that was not the case — a lot of old classmates from my old junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look like something from an H-game. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the womens’ handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for the handball team here. She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty familiar, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I was starting to get nervous. Everyone here should understand my feelings, right?

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I probably won’t forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my bride! That is all."

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, and by tall, I mean ''tall''. He had long dark hair that came down past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

All this was my first impression of this guy.

Haruki, with his passionate eyes, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (I had my mouth wide open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But even then that sounded more like a challenge to a duel than a marriage proposal. Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone's minds were filled with question marks, and that everyone was confused as to what their reaction to this insanity should be. "Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that sombre face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on my hindsight—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school male.

This was only the calm before the storm! Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy, girlish smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. It’s not like guys haven’t treated me like that before, so it's not all that big of a deal. Still, coming from someone like him is especially... Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking shut-mouthed glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-esque guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, thickset Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-obsessed delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me? Isn't there a saying, "With friends like this..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is."

She used this line as the beginning of her speech.

"He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien bride stuff?"

Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.

"Yeah, that stuff. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so astonishing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

I don't remember hearing about that before.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice.

"I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like, refusing to say anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to different worlds, et cetera... A lot of speculations went around, but as long as the perpetrator himself refuses to talk, we might never know if those rumors are true or not. To this day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, busy laying the lines in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"That's not the only thing he did!"

Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch.

"This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I just don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to enjoy his lunch; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Unless he gets a lot of food… furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s really popular with the girls, though!”

Taniguchi winked.

"He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious and sexy. And his lone wolf appearance adds plenty of points too."

I get the feeling that's more cognitive dissonance than his personality actually being likable.

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's.

"There was a period of time where he randomly started asking girls out, non stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I do not wish to socialize with ordinary women! You’re a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out seemingly random girls! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, stay way from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle.

"If there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant grin on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspections, he definitely enters the 'Top Three Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You checked out every single first-year guy in the school?"

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as (giggle) fun as possible."

Yeah I get it, Taniguchi, but you didn't really answer the question.

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me.

"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.

I'll bet there's some sort of story behind that one, but, moving on...

Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like a class monitor. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the guys in the class. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of the male students in the class, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration...

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical handsome prince from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t have magical powers. I didn’t want to be carried off to be Suzumiya’s bride.

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant to me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Now, why would I say something like that?

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his long hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shonen character.

I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just throw his pants onto the desk and get into his gym gear.

While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be either completely confused or squealing in delight, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s near-naked body.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take his pants off without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang. But for those who are too corrupted to turn back, the photographs are available at 200 yen apiece from a certain Kazuma-kun in 1-5.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built… argh, where am I going with this?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him. All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kinda stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. So much for the sensibility of a high school girl. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. I mean, how can 1/12 of the population experience the same things on the same day? That's beyond bizarre. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?

…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment? Is the worsening condition of my skin the cure for this disease? And haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere.

"Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. My uncle was the first person to call me that. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week," was my indifferent response as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. At least my lack of cleavage allowed my chest to cool properly... what am I saying? I really need that shower...

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------

Suzumiya Haruki was already sitting behind my seat staring at the ceiling when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it... I blame the heat), before I could catch myself— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.

"When was it that you noticed?"

His tone was so icy cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks.
I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"F-for a while, I think."

"Truth be told?"

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

I think this is the first time we’ve had an actual conversation!

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Why does your opinion matter?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After I my answer, Okabe-sensei lightly entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Maybe this make me as weird as he is, talking to him like that?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of resorting to more gel, Haruki had gotten a haircut, I felt quite depressed.

What the…? Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Does he think I'm an undercover alien and I'm onto his plans or something?

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"There is no reason whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully. I always tried to keep it about him.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."

He emphasizes this, and then slowly lets out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They are boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I expected to hear that from you."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not something important anyway... Did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I do hope she isn’t one of those stalking psycho girls that follow you around for years.”

"Don't think so," I thought.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them! Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner and paid for, with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said that your feelings matter?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"The problem is, are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures? I have been agitated by this question since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?"

When that burst out of me Haruki looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are not any fun at all!"
"...Maybe… you’re right."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT IS WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING SO HARD!!"

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's call them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh…

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything-ever" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of magical spell did you cast?"

"Magical spell? What?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I fire my question back at Taniguchi. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all, though I did try to keep the conversation about him.

"I’m really surprised!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new, Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would talk to an underdeveloped girl like her! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

I think my heart just skipped a couple of beats.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. Could you teach me how I should talk to him properly?"

I was too busy trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl so, I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I-I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved. He can't go on being isolated from his classmates like that, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like a class monitor because, well, he is our class monitor. He was elected as the class monitor in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

I wanted to say 'Anything for you', but that sounds stupid and I’d never hear the end of it.

…In any case, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

No, wait! Wait just a minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, putting his palms together and bowing slightly.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura-san wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck…

"Why will something interesting not happen here?!”

He’s complaining again.

“Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one, and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some ‘kick-ass’ clubs! But this, this is like trying to get into the Major League but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I’ve learned.

"Judging from our history, humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored."

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? ...Looks like I’m used to it already. I think the term to describe this is "learned behavior".

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I’ve been looking for years. The only thing that came close were my grandmother's tea leaves, and even then you had to squint and make VERY loose connections.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I’m normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming!

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert. It’s overwhelming… he needs to smile more often.

"I got it!"

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my scalp being nearly peeled off.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement.

"What's with that attitude? You should be happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My poor, aching head just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter5

2008-04-16T17:57:31Z

Kaisos:

Monday arrived. And if it wasn't enough that I had to climb the Vinson Massif every single day, the humidity of the rainy season was finally beginning to make itself known. Everybody was sweating buckets, and I was already in dire need of about three showers by the time I got to school. If only they'd give us a shower period instead of useless homeroom... and if some politician had promised to install an escalator on the hill to school, they'd certainly have my vote when I came of age.

I was sitting in the classroom, using a pencil board as a makeshift fan, when the bell rang. Haruki, uncharacteristically, was the last one to enter.

He slammed his bag down on the desk. "Fan me, too!"

"Fan yourself!" I said, irritably. Monday mornings are not the best time to demand things of me, Haruki! Especially not when it’s this hot.

Haruki (who I'd last seen in front of the station two days ago) twisted his face into a sour look, scowling. I thought he'd been getting slightly more pleasant over the last few days, but I guess he'd reverted back to his usual angry self.

"Hey, Suzumiya." I said, shifting my eyes to look at him without moving my head. "Have you ever heard the story of 'The Blue Bird of Happiness'?"

"What's that?"

"…No, never mind. It's nothing."

"Why bother opening your mouth then?!"

As Haruki gave me a sideways scowl, Okabe-sensei arrived and our pointless homeroom session began.

I’m a waste of time, huh?

------

That day, an aura of resentment and barely-repressed rage radiated out across the classroom from Haruki's downer mood, leaving me with an uncomfortable pressure against my back. The tinny chime that signaled the end of the day had never, ever been so welcome before; like a field mouse fleeing from a raging bushfire, I too evacuated to the clubroom.

I've become so used to seeing Nagato read in the corner that he'd become part of the scenery, an ornament. Like a potted plant. Or something.

Koizumi Itsuko had also just arrived, so it was the three of us in the clubroom that day; Haruki had cleaning duty, and Asahina-senpai apparently hadn't come yet.

I looked at her, sighing a bit.

"I suppose you have something to tell me about Suzumiya?"

"It seems like you’ve already heard it from the others, am I right?"

Itsuko took a quick glance at Nagato, busy reading his book as usual. Her know-it-all tone was getting annoying.

"Let's find some place else to talk. It would be... better if Suzumiya-san didn’t overhear us."

On the way to the cafeteria, Itsuko treated me to a cup of coffee. We sat down at one of the tables set up outside.

"So… what do you know?" she asked, leaning forwards with her hands folded across one another.

I shrugged. "That Suzumiya isn't just an ordinary weirdo, I guess."

She giggled a bit. "Well, that’s certainly true. And I’m glad you understand otherwise I’d have a lot more to explain."

I sighed. Was this some kind of joke? All of the other members of the SOS Brigade had managed to inform me, in their own little ways, that Haruki is not, in fact, human. Had Global Warming managed to fry their brains into bacon crisps or something?

"Fine then. Tell me who you really are."

So far, we have an alien, and a time traveler. What were the other words that came out of Haruki's mouth? I guess we only have two possibilities left...

"Actually, let me guess… You're an esper, right?"

"Well,” Itsuko said, stirring her coffee delicately, "It's probably not the kind you’d imagine, but you’re more or less correct - I am what you call an “esper”. I possess paranormal powers."

I drank my coffee in silence. Bleh, it’s too sweet. She should have ordered less sugar.

"I’ve been a bit troubled having to transfer schools so suddenly, but it seems the circumstances have changed.” She continued to smile calmly. “I would never have thought that those two would have approached Suzumiya Haruki so quickly. Previously, they have always preferred to observe silently, from a distance."

Stop treating Haruki like some treasured, endangered species!

"Don’t get so excited, please. I assure you we have no intentions of harming Suzumiya-san. Quite the opposite, actually; we want to protect him."

I really don't think Haruki requires anybody's protection. "You said, 'we'. I suppose that means there are others out there, like you?"

Itusko smiled elegantly at me, as if pleased. "Well, only a few. I’m one of the lower-ranked members, but I know that there are about ten of us in this world at this time. And we are all supervised by 'The Organization'."

Wonderful. Now we have an 'Organization'.

"I don’t have access to details like how large The Organization is, or who exactly it's made up of. The higher-ups are the only ones who really know."

"So, this 'Organization'," I said, sitting back."What does it do, anyway?"

Itsuko sipped daintily at her cooled coffee.

"It’s probably obvious by now but, The Organization was founded three years ago. And the sole reason it exists is to observe, of course, Suzumiya Haruki." She set the cup back down on the table and folded her hands across one another again. "I'm sure you understand by now. I'm not the only member of The Organization here in this school; we've had sleeper agents here for quite a while. I've merely been transferred here to assist them."

Taniguchi's face suddenly came to mind. She'd been in the same school as Haruki for three years... could she be...?!

No way.

"You're just kidding, right?"

"However, I cannot guarantee that all of them are on Suzumiya-san's side," Itsuko said, acting as if she hadn’t heard me.

Why does everybody seem to like Haruki so much? He's just a crazy, self-centered buffoon who loves creating trouble for other people. Is he really worth so much that an entire organization has to put all its resources into protecting him?

(I gotta admit, though, he is pretty good-looking.)

"I still don’t know the truth to what happened three years ago," Itsuko said quietly, suddenly looking at me seriously and dropping the smile. "It was just… suddenly… I realized I had paranormal powers and unordinary abilities. I had no idea what to do I thought I was going mad or crazy, that there was something wrong with my brain… but then the Organization found me and took me in. If they hadn't... well… I don’t know what I would’ve done."

Did it occur to you that maybe something ''is'' wrong with your brain?

Itsuko looked at me painfully for a moment; then she showed me a smile in what she might have thought looked playful. "Well, yes, that is certainly a possibility," she conceded, picking up the cup again. "But we are much more afraid of the other possibilities... the unforeseen possibilities."

Smiling at her own flaws, Itsuko sipped her coffee elegantly. She turned to me, still wearing that smile, and asked:

"So, when do you think this world began its existence?"

Out of nowhere, a big question like that!?

"I guess... at the Big Bang?"

"Yes, that is what most people think. But to us, there is another possibility - that this world came into being three years ago."

I stared at Itsuko in silence.

She smiled contently back at me.

Finally I cried out, "That's completely impossible! I can still clearly remember what happened even further back than three years ago! My parents are still alive, I still have the three stitches I got when I fell into a drain when I was a kid - and how do you explain all this junk that I've been desperately memorizing from our history textbooks?"

"How can you be sure that all humans, including you, are not simply created with these earlier memories? If you accept that as possible, then you don't even need to dwell on 'three years ago'. It might as well be 'five minutes ago' that the universe was born."

She smiled, wider than ever. Her perfect teeth glinted in the sunlight.

I didn’t respond.

"Try to imagine a virtual reality. Everything that you see, smell and touch in that virtual reality is nothing more than electrical impulses acting upon your neural centers in your brain. But you believe that everything that you experience is, well, real. Reality is... fragile."

...was that a reference to something?

I sighed.

"Look, let's just say I agree with you. It doesn't matter whether the Earth was created three years ago or five minutes ago. What's this 'Organization' got to do with Haruki?"

"Our leader believes that the reality we know may be nothing more than a person's dream. We are such stuff as dreams are made of... no, perhaps that should more accurately be: This world is such stuff as dreams are made of. An 'insubstantial pageant', if you will. And for the dreamer, to create and alter this dream... well, there is nothing easier. And we all know who this dreamer, who this person is..."

Maybe it's just all these complex references she's throwing down, but Itsuko’s face looks surprisingly mature right now.

"Humans have always had a name for those who can destroy and remake the world at will. They have called them: God."

…Haruki… You're already being worshipped as a god. Just like you wanted.

"And that is why The Organization must be very careful. If God becomes displeased with this world, he may simply destroy this old world and replace it with a new one, like a kid who doesn't like his sandcastle, and destroys it before making another one. This world has its problems, I know, but it’s not completely terrible, there are definitely some good things in it and it is for this reason that I help the Organization to protect the world."

I put my hand to my head again. "Look, why not simply go up and ask Haruki about all this? Tell him not to destroy the world. If it's this important, he might actually listen for a change."

Itsuko toyed with her cup a little. "Suzumiya-san is unaware of his own powers. And part of our job is to make sure he remains so and lives out his life peacefully." She smiled again. "He’s a bit too… immature to become a fully responsible ‘God’. But though he has not reached full potential yet, we have seen signs of his power."

"Such as?"

"Think about it. Why would time-travelers, aliens, and espers exist in the first place? Because Suzumiya-san wishes for it."

I thought back to that first day. ''"If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, slider, or an esper, then come! Be my bride!"'' Was that what brought them all out of hiding? His crazy quest for a worthy bride?

And if that was something he had seriously wished for, why were the alien and the time-traveler ''guys''?

"We hypothesize that he is unable to completely utilize his powers at the moment; he is only able to release them subconsciously, almost randomly. But for the past few months, Suzumiya-san has been continually releasing powers far beyond human comprehension. One side-effect of these random power outbursts has resulted in Suzumiya-san having Asahina Mitsuuru, Nagato Yuuki and myself join his club, without knowledge of who we are."

So I guess that makes me the only person without a secret to hide.

"About that... well… you’re right. You’re a mysterious presence. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. And I've done quite a lot of background checks on you - it's impolite, I know, but I hope you don't mind - and I assure you, you are a genuine, certified, 100% normal human being. No special powers, nothing."

...is that a compliment? Or should I be disappointed, instead?

"I don’t really know, myself," said Itsuko, spreading her hands and smiling her smile at me. "But the way things are going, I suggest you be very careful so as to not let Suzumiya-san slip into a state of melancholy, or to tire of this reality. The fate of the world may rest in your hands."

"Since you guys believe Haruki is God," I suggested, sarcastically, "Why don't you just abduct him, perform an autopsy on him and see what his brain's made of? Hell, you might just learn the secrets of the universe!"

"There are some extremists within The Organization who feel that way," Itsuko nodded, "but the majority believe it would be best if we were to leave him alone. Who knows what might occur if God were to become... displeased by this situation? We hope for this world to remain as it is, so we must hope that Suzumiya-san never becomes displeased with this world."

"What are we supposed to do, then?"

"Unfortunately… I don’t know."

You talk an awful lot for somebody who doesn't know.

"And what would happen were Haruki to die?"

Itsuko sighed, turning her head away for a moment. "Would the world simply be destroyed upon his death? Or would God simply cease to exist? Perhaps a new God would replace him. Until it occurs, nobody really knows."

"So you have... what, psychic powers or something?"

"Mmm... you could say that."

"The show me some of your stupendous powers. Make me believe you. Say, for example," – I spotted my coffee which had gone cold a long time ago - "Make this coffee warm again."

Itsuko smiled cheerfully at me. But this time her smile didn't look pre-packaged, made of plastic. I think this might be the first real smile I've ever seen from her.

"I'm sorry, but that's not possible at the moment" she said, pushing back her chair and standing. "My powers are very limited; in reality, I barely qualify as an esper at all. But I do believe you will have the chance to see them one day."

She gave me one last smile. "Sadly, it’s time for our conversation to end. Sorry to take up so much of your time"

I watched her as she strolled away until she disappeared, then I thought of grabbing the paper cup.

...I thought so. The coffee's still cold.

------

When I returned to the clubroom, I stumbled across Asahina-senpai half-undressed inside.

"..."

I froze, one hand on the door handle. He stared at me, the maid costume in one hand, and slowly opened his mouth to scream.

"Sorry-!"

Before he had the chance to cry out, I pulled the foot that was in the room back and slammed the door shut. Maybe I should've knocked first. No, hang on, if he's changing, then he should've locked the door!

Just as I was wondering whether I should simply just go home, a soft voice came from the other side of the door. "You can come in now..."

"Sorry." I said, wincing a little. Embarrassing.

"No, no, it doesn't matter... I should have locked the door..."

My sentiments exactly.

Asahina-senpai continued to apologize as he opened the door. His head was lowered, and he was blushing. "Sorry, I always show my embarrassing side..."

It's no problem, really. He's really obedient, isn't he? Wearing that maid costume like Haruki ordered, even though he hates it...

But that's what makes him so cute!

I quickly moved to the commander's seat and booted up the computer. Sensing somebody watching me, I lifted my head to find Nagato Yuuki's eyes fixed on me, instead of his book. When he noticed me watching him, he adjusted his glasses ever so slightly and turned his eyes back towards the pages once more.

That's... surprisingly human of him.

I opened the internet browser and went to the club webpage, trying to think of something to add to the site, but I had no idea where to start. This webpage was really just a waste of time... but I was bored. I'd gotten tired of Othello, and I needed to kill time somehow.

As I crossed my arms over my chest and muttered under my breath, somebody placed a cup of warm tea in front of me. I glanced up to find Asahina-senpai in his maid costume smiling nervously at me, carefully balancing a tea tray in one hand.

Wow. Exactly like a real maid.

"Thanks."

Itsuko had just treated me to a cup of coffee, but I will gladly accept this from you, Asahina-senpai!

Asahina-senpai placed another cup next to Nagato (who didn't even look up), and then sat down and began to slowly sip his own cup of tea.

Time passed.

In the end...

...Haruki never came to the clubroom at all that day.

------

"Hey, where'd you go yesterday? I thought we were going to have some sort of debriefing?"

I was speaking with Haruki before homeroom, as usual. Lying sprawled over the desk, his chin to the table, Haruki flashed me an annoyed look.

"Bah! I already had the debriefing on my own yesterday!"

I guess Haruki must've retraced everywhere we'd gone last Saturday after school instead of coming to the clubroom.

"You guys probably missed something, so I went through those places again by myself." he muttered, avoiding my eyes. Who was it that said “criminals always return to the scene of the crime?” I guess that applies to aliens, time travelers, and espers as well. And Haruki.

“So, did you find anything?” I asked.

“...It's all part of the plan, all part of the plan...” Haruki mumbled into the desk, not lifting his head. Is that a no? Do you even really have a plan?

Haruki suddenly flung himself off the desk and back into his chair. "Arrrgh, it's hot as hell!" he said suddenly. Changing the subject, eh? "When is the school gonna switch uniforms? I wanna wear our short sleeves already!"

I glanced at his rolled up sleeves. They don't change seasonal wear until June, anyway, and there's a week left before the end of May...

"Suzumiya. Look." I said. "I've probably said this before, but have you ever considered just... giving up on all this paranormal stuff and trying to live a normal high school life?"

I thought he'd lift his head and scowl at me, as usual, but he didn't even move. He must be really exhausted. "A normal high school life? What kind of life is that?" he asked the table.

He doesn’t sound interested at all.

"Something like... settling down, finding a nice, normal girlfriend, you know? Although I guess you might stumble across an alien while you're dating. It'd be like killing two birds with one stone." I said, smiling at the thought. "Besides, I bet there's plenty of girls lining up for you right now. You just gotta be patient and that special someone will come 'round eventually."

Haruki lifted his head up from the desk and just looked at me for a few seconds. "Hmph, like it matters!" he said, after a moment of silence. "Love! It's stupid! It's like... like some sort of mental illness!"

Then what about your quest for an alien bride, or whatever, then?

Haruki looked out the window. "I do think about that sorta stuff, though. I’m a healthy guy, after all. But there’s no way I’m just gonna ask some stupid girl out and be saddled with a huge burden forever! ‘Sides, if I’m too busy going on dates, what’s gonna happen to my SOS Brigade? I just founded it!"

Technically, you haven't actually founded it at all.

"Look, why not create a club that involves some form of actual entertainment? That would attract more members for sure."

"No." Haruki flatly refused. "I only founded the SOS Brigade because all the other clubs were too boring, and I've even recruited an interesting experiment like Mitsuuru-kun and a Mysterious Transfer Student, too! Why hasn't anything happened yet?! This is so frustrating…!”

This is the first time I've seen Haruki this depressed. A big guy like that looking so pathetic makes me feel depressed too...

I need to stop letting this get to me.

For the rest of the day and all through class, Haruki was asleep. The weird thing is though, the teachers never noticed.

It's got to be a coincidence. It's just got to be.

------

Strange things had been set in motion that day. Nobody else had noticed because these events hadn't built up to their shocking climax just yet, but I had been thinking about them all day, ever since homeroom.

You see, while I was talking to Haruki, my mind was dwelling on something else. It all began with a simple note that was left in my shoe locker this morning.

The note said, "After school when everybody else has left, come to the 1-5 classroom".

The handwriting was angular and archaic-looking. It looked like it had been written by a guy. There was no signature.

------

So, what the hell was this all about? The differing opinions in my mind decided to hold an emergency meeting to debate amongst themselves.

The first thought said, "This has happened before". But the writing was different from the writing on the bookmark. Nagato (the "Living Humanoid Interface" for aliens from outer space) has handwriting so perfect it's like printed text, but this note, although well-written, isn't so flawless. And Nagato probably wouldn't be so direct as to stick a note in my shoe locker.

The second asked, "Could it be Asahina-senpai?" No, if it was Asahina-senpai, I doubted he'd just tear off a piece of paper and throw it into my locker casually. He seemed like the type of person who'd use an envelope for this kind of thing.

It was also kinda weird that the specified meeting location was my classroom.

"It can't be Haruki!?" exclaimed the third. That was even more ridiculous than my first or second thoughts. If Haruki had anything to say to me in private, he'd probably just carry me off over his shoulder and tell me directly - he wasn't the kind of guy to go for subtlety.

Based on that kind of reasoning (although omitting the 'carry over the shoulder' bit), I eliminated Itsuko from all the possible candidates. Finally, my fourth thought, stronger and louder than all the rest, asked the obvious question: "Could it just be a love letter from a stranger?"

I guess it made sense. The writer had specified that I should come "after everyone else is gone", and it had been stuffed into my shoe locker, which is where you'd expect to find a confession note. It’s a big cliché, but an accurate one, I suppose. Still, in all my years of school, I've never, ever gotten one of these. Why would they start coming now? I don't think I'm any better looking now than I was in junior high...

My fifth thought, which were slightly more cynical than the rest of my thoughts, told me that "It's probably a prank". Yeah, Taniguchi and Kunikida would probably do that kind of thing; it certainly sounded more realistic than me having suddenly acquired a mysterious admirer. Taniguchi would play a stupid joke like that on me, though I think she probably would've written more.

I had been drifting aimlessly through my school day while these thoughts had been swirling around in my head. As I was wondering how I could escape from Haruki long enough to get to this meeting spot, he grumpily announced that he was going to go home and "Punch something".

Chance!

I decided to go to the clubroom first because I didn’t want to look like some pining lonely girl who was desperate enough to wait in a classroom all day for some random stranger. If Taniguchi suddenly walked in and said "Oh my God, Kyon! I’m so sorry! I didn’t think you’d take a letter like that so seriously!" while secretly trying to hide her laughter I'd be really pissed. No, it’d be better if I kill some time first and then go peek into the classroom to see if anyone’s there. Yeah, that's the perfect strategy.

I arrived at the clubroom entrance. This time, I remembered to knock.

"Please come in!"

Once I had heard Asahina-senpai's voice, I opened the door and entered the clubroom. Regardless of how wrong it is, he still looks cute in that maid costume.

"You're a little late!" said Asahina-san happily, his back to me. He looked like he was brewing tea again. "Where's Suzumiya-san?"

"He went home. Actually, he seemed pretty tired. If you want to get some revenge, I’d do it now."

Asahina-senpai looked flustered. "I-I wouldn’t d-do anything like that!"

I was only joking, Asahina-senpai!

We sat down, face to face at the table and drank our tea while Nagato read silently in his corner. Without Haruki, I guess we were nothing more than a do-nothing club.

"Itsuko still hasn't arrived?" I asked, eventually.

"Koizumi-san came earlier, but she said she’s got her part time job today, so she already left."

What kind of part-time job, exactly? Well, at least now I can confidently cross out Itsuko and Haruki from my list of suspects.

Since I had nothing to do but wait, I played a few games of Othello with Asahina-senpai while chatting a bit. After three games, I stopped playing and went to surf the internet for a little bit, and eventually, Nagato stopped reading and stiffly closed his book. Recently, we'd taken this action of his as a sign to call it day for our club activities (though what those club activities actually are is still unclear), and we all began to pack our stuff away.

Asahina-senpai turned to me. "I need to change, so you go on out first."

I left the room and proceeded to my classroom. The clock had said half past five when I glanced at it, so there shouldn't be anybody left in the classroom. Even if it were a prank by Taniguchi, she'd probably have gone home by now out of boredom. Despite that, I ran up the two flights of stairs to the top floor, just to be safe. I mean, what if it really was a confession?

I breathed in deeply in the silent corridor. The classroom doors all have slightly tinted windows, so I couldn't see anything clearly inside - only that the sunset had painted the room a wonderful orange-red (though that probably indicated some level of pollution around the town). Casually, I opened the door to classroom 1-5 and stuck my head inside.

------

It wasn't surprising to find somebody waiting inside the classroom (the note had kind of made that obvious), but it was a shock to find out who exactly it was. Standing in front of the blackboard was someone I would never have even have suspected.

"You're late."

Asakura Ryou smiled gently at me.

He flicked his beautiful silken hair and began to stroll leisurely towards me, between the seats and the tables. His handsome face still wore that serene smile that Asakura was so famous for.

...Is this really a confession, after all? And from ''Asakura'', of all people?

He halted in the middle of the classroom, and gestured towards me with a smile. "Well, come on in!"

I felt like I had no control over my body, as if his little wave had made me let go of the door handle and step fully inside the classroom. "S-so it's you..." I stammered, a little nervously.

"Yes, surprised?"

Asakura smiled warmly at me, the right side of his face red with the light of the sunset shining through the window. My face was red too, although not for the same reason.

"Y-you wanted to talk t-to me?" Dammit, I sound like Asahina-senpai!

Asakura chuckled softly. "Indeed, I was looking for you. I have something... to ask you."

His face, white and pure as the snowy peaks of the alps, turned towards me as he began to ask his question. "Have you ever heard of the saying, 'tis better to have lost and loved, then to never have loved at all'?" he said, still smiling serenely at me. I guess this was some kind of segue? "And do you think that... 'loving', in this context, may refer to... taking action, as well?"

W-what the hell is he talking about? "I-I'm not really sure who said that-" I said, blushing even more, "-but I guess the meaning makes... sense...?"

"If there existed a situation... where staying within the status quo would simply make things worse, and you had no idea how to improve it, what would you do?" he continued.

"U-Um... i-improve what?" I asked, confused. Is there a confession coming, or...?

Asakura smiled and continued, ignoring my question. "Wouldn't you say that it would be better to do anything, anything at all, and face the consequences? Because to do nothing would simply let the situation degrade?"

"Uh... I guess s-so...?" God-damnit! Did I get my hopes up for nothing?

"That's what I meant!"

Asakura (who had his hands behind his back this entire time) smiled widely, and leaned slightly forward.

"But those above are incapable of thinking laterally. They're out of touch with the rapid changes on this plane of reality. So I am... compelled to do something, to make something happen, so that this situation does not degrade any further. That is why I have decided to act without authorization, and force a change upon this situation."

Um, sorry?

What on Earth are you talking about, Asakura? Is this some kind of prank?

I glanced around the room, wondering whether Taniguchi had set me up like this and was now hiding in the cleaning cabinet behind me, or sitting hidden under the teacher's desk, barely suppressing her laughter. I wouldn't put this kind of thing past Taniguchi-

"I've grown tired of having to observe a changeless environment. That is why..."

I was so busy looking around that I didn't really listen to what Asakura was actually saying.

"I have to kill you, and observe the reaction of Suzumiya Haruki."

Some instinct made me throw myself backwards as Asakura moved his hands from behind his back and a silvery metallic flash went straight through where my neck used to me. Through a sudden fog of adrenaline and fear, I watched half of the ribbon on the front of my uniform float slowly towards the ground as I heard the crash of the teacher's desk collapsing a few feet away.

Smiling pleasantly, Asakura's right hand now held a katana nearly half my height.

I was very, very lucky to dodge the first strike. If I hadn’t, I would probably have ended up like that desk. But right then I was on the ground on my backside, looking palely up at Asakura. "Don't let him back me into a corner!" was the thought that flashed through my mind, as (obedient to my hindbrain's wishes) I scuttled desperately backwards.

Why didn't Asakura chase me?

...No, wait! What the hell's going on here? Why is somebody as... as nice and pure as Asakura trying to gut me with a sword? Why the hell does he even have a sword? Wait, what did he just say? He wants to kill me? Kill? But, why?! Why me!?

"S-Stop joking around!" I said, trying to climb to my feet whilst pressing my back against the classroom wall. "T-that's really dangerous! Even if it were a fake, I'd still be really, really scared! Please, put that thing away!"

I was really terrified and confused. Taniguchi, if this is your doing, you've gone way too far! Somebody, please come and help me!"

"You think I'm joking?" Asakura said in his normal, cheerful tone, not sounding very serious at all. There's not much scarier than somebody about to murder you with a sword treating the event like a chat between classmates. "Hmmm..."

Asakura let the back of the katana rest over his shoulders, and stroked his chin. "You don't like dying? You don't want to die? This hesitation of biological life-forms to submit to the inevitable has always been a mystery to me..."

I finally had managed to get to my feet, telling myself that this had to be a joke - just a really bad joke, damnit! This was way too surreal! Asakura is the serious, responsible class president, who only talks when necessary in class, and faces every single problem calmly, without panicking! He's every girl's dream! Why would he wave around a katana and declare that he wants to kill me, all of a sudden?

But that thing is real, and I was going to be in two pieces if I wasn't careful.

"I-I don't understand what you're saying!" I said quickly, an undercurrent of fear audible in my voice, eyes darting around the empty classroom. "This isn't funny anymore, OK? Please, put that scary thing away!"

"I can't do that," Asakura said, smiling his usual perfect smile, "because I really do want you to die!"

He lifted the katana above his head and brought it crashing down in the blink of an eye. Gods, he's fast! But I had just managed to anticipate his movement and threw myself sideways just in time. I heard the desk behind me shatter as I ducked under his arm and ran for the door.

I rushed forwards, the door getting closer with every step - and ran straight into a wall.

W-what?!

Where the heck did the door go? Even the windows were gone! A second ago, the windows and the doors to the corridor - and escape - were there, but now it was just a thick grey wall!

No way!

"Do not attempt to escape."

Asakura's voice grew closer as I scabbled desperately at the blank surface.

"I have gained control over this sub-space. All exits have been blocked. Quite simple, really - all I needed to do was tamper with the molecular structure of the materials at hand. In any case, this room has been sealed. There are no ways in or out."

I turned around, prepared to dive through a window if necessary, only to find that the sunset - or, more to the point, the other windows - had disappeared as well. All that was left were giant concrete walls, and the cold white light of the lamps shining down onto whatever desks remained.

This can't be! This isn’t possible! What the hell is going on?

Asakura's silhouette moved slowly towards me.

"As your class president, I advise you to cease resistance. You're going to die anyway."

"W-what the hell are you?!"

No matter where I looked there was nothing but faceless concrete and featureless walls! There wasn't a single door, a single window, nothing! Was there something wrong with my brain?

I frantically dashed between the desks, trying to get as far from Asakura as possible. But he just moved slowly towards me in a straight line, smiling his gentle smile as he sliced desks and chairs aside like so much kindling. Unlike him, my path was always blocked.

This game of cat and mouse did not last very long. Pretty soon, I was cornered.

If this was how it was going to end, I decided - to hell with it! I hurled a chair at Asakura with all my might. But it slowed and stopped in the air before it got anywhere near Asakura, and then flew off to the other side of the room, landing in a cloud of dust.

This is impossible, completely impossible!

"Impressive strength for a life-form of your characteristics, but resistance is futile. Everything in this room moves according to my will."

Wait... Wait!

“Nothing you do has any meaning. It is useless.” said Asakura, still smiling.

What is going on here? If this isn't a joke or a prank, and neither Asakura nor me were crazy, then what’s going on?

''I have to kill you, and see what sort of reaction Suzumiya Haruki will have.''

...Haruki, Haruki, it's always bloody Haruki! You're getting way too damn popular, Haruki!

Asakura sighed as I desperately began to tense my legs to try and leap over a table to escape. "Hmm... what did I just say? I should have just done this from the beginning, I suppose."

I couldn't move my body.

The second he said those words, my entire body just - froze - in place. H-hey! No fair! That's cheating, you bastard!

My feet were rooted to the ground like a tree, unable to move even the smallest muscle. My arms were fixed like a wax statue, and I couldn't even blink. All I could do was stare, horrified, at Asakura's face as he slowly approached, bringing the katana around to a ready position.

"Once you die, Suzumiya Haruki is bound to have some sort of reaction. This may result in a massive data explosion from which we may salvage something. This might be the one-in-a-million-chance for us."

I still have no freaking idea what you're on about!

"So please." he smiled. "Die!"

He swung his sword around. This is it, I thought oddly calmly, trying desperately to squeeze my eyes tightly shut as the whistling sound of the sword filled my world.

...swish...

I felt the hairband holding my ponytail up suddenly split in two as it fell to the floor, cloven cleanly in twain. Asakura was still leveling the katana at me, smiling.

"Ah... I suppose, in the end, I couldn't resist." he said, lowering the katana a little. "I have always wondered what you would look like with your hair down, and I have to say, you do look much nicer. More... ''wild''."

Great. The only guy to ever hit on me also happens to be a magical sword-wielding psycho. Just my luck.

"I suppose I have wasted enough time, though." he continued, raising the katana above his head. "Farewell, Kyon-chan! It was quite nice to meet you!"

If I have a magical protector watching over me, now would be a great time for him to appear! Please, someone! Help me!

"Now, '''''die'''''!"

At least let me close my eyes...! No, I couldn't do even that.

As the blade began to descend towards my face, I felt a sudden sense of pressure in the air around me, and-

The ceiling suddenly collapsed in with a massive, loud crack and a protesting groan as debris began to tumble down, raising massive clouds of dust and obscuring my vision. Some of the smaller pieces rained down upon my unlucky head, and I ducked beneath my raised arms to ward off the rubble. Damni- wait, I can use my arms? I can move?

I lifted my head to discover-

Asakura, displaying the only look of surprise I'd ever seen on his beautiful face, katana halfway towards me, uniform and hair covered in just a slight coating of white dust. And in front of me, catching the blade of the sword with just two bare fingers - the slim, silent figure of Nagato Yuuki.

"Your problems were too basic." Nagato said expressionlessly. "The data lockdown on the ceiling was incomplete. It did not withstand an intensive assault."

"You wish to interfere?"

Asakura still sounded perfectly calm. "Once I slaughter this girl, Suzumiya Haruki is bound to have sort of reaction. Only then can we obtain more information."

"You are my backup." Nagato said in a mantra-like tone, still holding the katana blade between two fingers. "Insubordination is forbidden. You must obey my commands."

"Oh? And what if I refuse?"

"I will disconnect your data interface."

Asakura smiled gently. "Would you like to try, Nagato-san? I have the advantage here. This classroom is under my data jurisdiction."

Nagato stiffened for a second. "Processing application for data interface disconnection-"

"What?!"

The second Asakura heard that phrase, he wrenched his katana out of Nagato's grasp and leaped backwards around five meters away. Confronted with this kind of scene, I couldn't help but realize it - these two really aren't human!

Asakura landed gracefully in the distance and rose back to his feet, still smiling. As he strolled forwards towards as once more, the space around us began to distort - that's the only way I could describe it. The desks, the ceiling, the floor - everything began to shake vigorously and (though I couldn't see it clearly) began to take on the appearance of liquid metal.

"Well then," Asakura said, "Let's see how you handle ''this''!"

The liquid metal rose, formed into the shapes of spears, and suddenly hurled themselves at us from every direction with lightning-fast speed. But Nagato ''blurred'' before my eyes and suddenly the spears were all embedding themselves by my feet or around the room. Did he just - did he just block them all?

As the dust cleared, Asakura charged forwards, katana at the ready. Panicking, I tried to turn and run, but Nagato leaned backwards and grabbed my arm.

"Do not attempt to move away."

One of his hands was suddenly behind my head as he shoved me downwards whilst dodging a few swings of Asakura's katana. "Aaaah!" I screamed, as something flew over my head and smashed the blackboard to pieces.

Nagato glanced upwards, and icicles instantly sprouted from the ceilings and crashed down towards Asakura, who dodged away at a speed that was incredibly difficult to follow with the naked eye. This is insane! A second later, a forest of stalagtites exploded upwards from the ground.

"This area of space belongs to me." announced Asakura calmly. "There is no way for you to prevail." He and Nagato stood a few meters apart, facing each other, while I could only kneel on the ground shaking, afraid to stand, my hopes scattered to the winds.

Nagato was standing slightly in front of me, his legs slightly spread, and it was only now that I noticed that he had even written his name on his indoor shoes. As if chanting a prayer, Nagato mumbled something quickly.
SELECT serial_code
FROM database
WHERE code='data'
ORDER BY aggressive_combat_data
HAVING terminate_mode
"Target name: Asakura Ryou, hostile intent confirmed. Beginning disconnection of target's organic information interface."

Normal physics must no longer apply in this classroom - everything's turned into crazy geometric shapes, twisting and turning before my eyes! It's like a theme park's house of horrors, illusions and stomach-churning dimensions - I'm getting dizzy!

"You will cease functionality before I do. We'll see how long you can last protecting that pathetic thing." said Asakura quite casually, his voice seemingly coming from everwhere at once. "Take ''this.''"

Where is he? I can't locate where his voice is coming from, in this blinding whirlwind of light and colour!

''Whoosh...'' went the sound of something slicing through the air. At that, Nagato suddenly spun, grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me bodily aside.

"H-hey! What are you-"

Before I could finish, I heard the distinctive sound of metal meeting flesh.

Nagato stood above me, impaled straight through the chest by Asakura's katana.

I guessed... that Asakura had thrown his katana at me to try and catch Nagato off-guard and kill me? But Nagato had managed to throw me out of harm's way, yet had been unable to avoid the sword and had thus gotten 3 feet of steel straight through the chest.

Oh, ''no...''

Nagato's glasses fell from his face and tinkled slightly as they hit the ground.

"N-NAGATO!" I screamed, eyes widening in horror. No, you idiot, what did you-

"I told you not to move." Nagato said softly, looking at the sword sticking out of his ribcage. A pool of blood was slowly beginning to form beneath his feet. "Do not worry for my sake; I am fine."

H-how exactly does being impaled make you fine?!?

Without flinching, Nagato pulled the katana out of his body and dropped it on the ground. It fell the ground with a slightly wooden noise as it instantly transformed back into a ''shinai.'' Was that what that thing really was?

"I can't see you defending that human very well in your damaged state," announced Asakura calmly from somewhere in the room, "but it would be unwise to leave you still functional. Goodbye, Nagato-san."

On the other side of what had once been the room, Asakura's silhouette began to unfade from the twisted lightshow. I could see his serene smile as he slowly folded his arms over his chest - and giant, black tentacles, tipped with spikes, sprouted violently from his back.

"Now, ''die.''"

Asakura's tentacles extended, wriggling like worms, and shot in on Nagato from every direction. Unable to move, his slim figure shook violently - and the next second, my face was splattered with blood.

One tentacle clawed into Nagato's right abdomen, another into the left side of his chest, another through his throat, through his arms, his legs… too many to count. Blood spattered from Nagato's mouth, his wounds, and down along his legs, pooling beneath his legs.

"It's over." Nagato said quietly, reaching one hand out slowly and clutching a spike. Nothing happened.

"What's over?" Asakura asked, sounding deeply satisfied. "You mean the three years of your short life?"

"No." said a seriously wounded Nagato, as though nothing had happened to him. "Commencing data interface disconnection."

Almost instantly, everything in the classroom began to glow brightly, and then crystallized and dissolved, turning into sand.

"H-how... how can thi-?" Asakura's face shifted into the second expression of shock I'd ever seen as crystallized sand drifted down from the ceiling, and then reverted to his normal serene disposition. "Ah, no, I see. Well, well... you really are amazing, you know that?"

"It took me some time to penetrate the firewall program," Nagato said calmly as the tentacles protruding from his body dissolved into sand. "But now, everything ends."

"You had already planted destructive factors around the room long before you entered, correct? No wonder you seemed to be operating at reduced capabilities. You had already used much of your runtime beforehand..." Asakura said, a note of despondency audible beneath his apparently-cheerful voice. He looked at his arms as they began to crystallize, and sighed.

"Such a pity. I suppose I am just the backup, after all. And I thought this would finally be a chance to break free of this stagnation..."

Asakura turned to me with his pearly-white smile.

"Well, I lost! I guess you get to live after all. You'd better be careful, though. I’m not the only one with a dissenting opinion. Just like with humans, eh? The good, and the bad... And who knows, even those who control Nagato-san might change their thinking and decide to kill you instead."

He was by now covered from chest to toe by the glowing, crystalline substance. "Well, even so. I wish you and Suzumiya-san the best of luck. Goodbye!"

As the crystals reached his face, Asakura gave me that eerily calm, serene smile of his, then he was gone. Under a rain of crystallized sand, the high-school student, class president, and kendo club member known as Asakura Ryou vanished forever from the face of this earth.

There was a shadow over my head, suddenly, as Nagato Yuuki collapsed. I tried desperately to catch him, but he was too heavy, so he ended up on top of me on the floor.

"N-N-Nagato! Hang in there! I'll call the ambulance or something!"

"There is no need."

Nagato stared into my eyes, blood still sluggishly flowing from his chest.

"Physical damage is of no consequence. Current priority is the restoration of this sub-space into its original state."

The sand crystals stopped floating down, as Nagato stiffened once again. "Removing impure substances. Reconstructing classroom." he announced, his eyes briefly flashing.

As he finished speaking, the familiar form of the 1-5 classroom reappeared before my eyes. It was like a tape rewinding; everything in the room forming out of the crystal sand which threw itself back into shape and solidified. The blackboard, the teacher's desk, the remaining chairs and desks - I couldn't describe it with mere words. If I had watched a video of it, I would have thought it was state-of-the-art CGI instead.

Windows reappeared from the walls, their half-stained glass intact; the sunset flooded in, bathing Nagato and myself in an orange-red light. All the blood that had splattered onto my face had completely disappeared.

Amazing... the only way I could possible describe it was, ''magical.''

"Um... thanks. Are y-you really okay?"

Nagato, my saviour, was still collapsed on top of me. I thought he'd be bleeding all over me with his open wounds and the damage to his uniform, but they'd vanished along with the blood on me.

"Processing power has been converted into data operation, therefore, the linking interface has been temporarily reversed." he muttered.

"Uh, you want some help up?" Not that I'm in a position to give any, but...

"There is no need." Nagato said, moving his hands and attempting to rise. "I-"

He grunted, suddenly, moving one hand to his face. "My glasses. I forgot to regenerate them."

"...Um, uh, actually, I think you look cooler without them... glasses guys aren't really my type..."

"Pardon?"

"Uh, nothing."

"I... see."

Now's not the time to be saying stupid things like that! If I could have gotten out from underneath Nagato, I would probably have run out of the classroom in utter embarrassment.

"Excuse me!"

The classroom door suddenly shot open.

"I forgot~ I forgot my stuff~" hummed Taniguchi absentmindedly as she wandered into the classroom, fiddling with her cameraphone.

She probably hadn't been expecting anybody to be in the classroom, so when she noticed Nagato sprawled on top of me on the floor, she stood dumbfounded. There was a slight 'click' as she stared at us, and I realized that she had probably accidentally hit the 'record' button in shock.

With Nagato on top of me, and my hair still down, it’s pretty easy to see what conclusion she'd immediately come to.

"I-I'm so sorry-!" she said suddenly, turning bright red and looking flustered, and turned and fled the classroom. "No, Taniguchi - it's not what you-!" I called after her, but she was already too far away.

"Such an interesting person." Nagato said.

I sighed heavily. "What should we do now?"

"Leave it to me." Nagato said, his eyes still looking down at me.

"Data manipulation is my specialty. I shall let everybody think that Asakura Ryou has been transferred out."

That wasn’t what I was talking about, but… data manipulation? Is that how he does it?

I've just experienced an incredible event. This is no longer an issue of whether I believe in all the stuff Nagato told me the other day - what just happened has made me realize how serious this really is. I thought I was going to die! If Nagato hadn't shown up to save me, I would've been killed by Asakura. And the experiences of the classroom distorting, Asakura's deadly spikes, and Nagato eliminating him without a single sign of emotion have all been etched permanently into my memory.

By the way, thank you, Nagato-san.

In a way, though, doesn't this make me a participant in this Mysterious event? Like I said earlier, I had always wanted to be a bystander that would just get drawn into events, a sidekick or something. But it's looking more and more like I'm the main character! I [I]had[/I] always wished to be a character in some sort of story involving aliens, but now that I actually ''was'' one, well... it really put everything into perspective.

This really isn’t what I had been hoping for…

What I really want is to be the sort of side character that cheerfully provides helpful advice whenever other people are facing their difficulties. I didn’t want my own classmates to go crazy and target me! I have a lot of respect for my own life, thank you very much!

My mind wandered aimlessly as I lay back on the floor of the orange-red classroom. I had forgotten about Nagato, who was still above me, staring down with his usual expressionless face.

H-Hey! Wait a minute! If you're done regenerating, get off me!

------

The following day, Asakura Ryou disappeared from Class 1-5. And I was the only one who had seen it coming.

“Ehh, I guess it has something to do with Asakura-kun's mother's work, that's why he had to transfer out all of a sudden." shrugged Okabe-sensei, one hand behind her head. "Frankly, all the teachers were shocked as well when they heard the news this morning. They'd already flown off yesterday because they had to leave the country so fast."

When Okabe-sensei announced this cover story, most of the girls exclaimed in shock and horror, "What? Why!?", while the guys started muttering amongst themselves about this. Even Okabe-sensei looked confused. And, of course, the person sitting behind me couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

Boink! He rapped the top of my head lightly. Haruki, if you touch me again…

"Kyon, this HAS to be a Mysterious Event!" Haruki's eyes shone brightly. I could almost ''see'' the vigor flow back into him.

What should I do? Should I tell him the truth?

"Actually, Haruki, Asakura-kun was created by an alien lifeform known as the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. Nagato-kun was his superior, but for some reason their relationship broke down, and in the end Asakura ended up trying to kill me. As to why it involves me, it’s all your fault. However, Asakura-kun got turned into a pile of sand by Nagato-kun and disappeared, so it’s all better now.’

Hell no. I'd be carted off to the funny farm if I said something like that. I'll just pretend that everything that happened yesterday was just a horrible, horrible nightmare and leave it at that..

"First my Mysterious Transfer Student shows up, then the class president transfers out mysteriously. There’s something going on here, I know it!”

Oh, should I commend you on your brilliant instincts?

"Maybe his mom got a transfer?" I muttered, still exhausted from yesterday.

"Bah! I'm not buying such a lame excuse."

"Believe it or not, that's the number one reason for having to transfer schools."

"Isn’t it strange, though? It was only one day between them receiving the job transfer notification and them moving out. Just what kind of work is his mom doing, anyway?"

"Maybe his parents simply didn’t tell him beforehand…"

"Impossible! It requires further investigation."

I felt vaguely tempted to tell him that the job transfer was merely an excuse and they had left the country to escape from a massive mountain of debt, but I decided not to. Because a) I was talking to Haruki, would would probably take that seriously and invent some crazy sprawling story involving the mafia and the yakuza and treat it like fact, and b) I was the only one who knew the real story.

"As Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, I cannot leave such a Mysterious Event uninvestigated!"

Just…. stop, please.

“By the way, what’s with your hair?”

“Don’t ask.”

Haruki looked offended at my response, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t find any hair ties when I looked this morning, so I figured I might as well just come to school without a ponytail. Besides, after what happened yesterday, I really have to re-evaluate how I view my life. Does this new look accurately depict what I’m feeling right now?

Having witnessed all this supernatural stuff firsthand, and trying to tell myself that it never happened, I had to pick one of the following choices: I was either hallucinating; or something was wrong with my brain; or the world is strange enough already; or I'd had a very long dream.

There’s no way I could admit the world is some sort of virtual reality.

Aggh! 15 is too early to face a life-changing crisis!

Why does a first year high school girl like me have to deal with such philosophical questions like whether the world exists or not? Those aren't things I should be thinking about! Please, stop adding to my troubles!

Right now, I have all sorts of other problems to deal with!

<noinclude>
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|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter6|Chapter 6]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter5

2008-04-16T17:56:47Z

Kaisos: New page: Monday arrived. And if it wasn't enough that I had to climb the Vinson Massif every single day, the humidity of the rainy season was finally beginning to make itself known. Everybody was s...

User talk:Juice

2008-04-10T18:56:41Z

Kaisos:

Why would not mentioning Haruki change anything? I'm trying to copy the originals as best as I can.

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-08T16:59:52Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. So it'd be kinda funny if--”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“It... were... true?"

I faltered.

"Asahina... senpai?"

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess a big guy needs all those calories to fuel his system. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of Itsuko's and my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"You could ask yourself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

User talk:Juice

2008-04-08T16:58:57Z

Kaisos: New page: And girl-Kyon still plays video games.

And girl-Kyon still plays video games.

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-08T16:58:04Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. So it'd be kinda funny if--”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“It... were... true?"

I faltered.

"Asahina... senpai?"

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. That's three years ago from today. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess a big guy needs all those calories to fuel his system. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of Itsuko's and my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"You could ask yourself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-08T16:56:00Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. So it'd be kinda funny if--”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“It... were... true?"

I faltered.

"Asahina... senpai?"

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. That's three years ago from today. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess a big guy needs all those calories to fuel his system. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of Itsuko's and my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home at leisure...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"You could ask yourself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-08T16:54:49Z

Kaisos:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the batroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen, so I knelt down by the little table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Nagato

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before entering the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remember something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he just didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly covey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially being marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
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|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-04-08T16:50:37Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes, and, of course, towering over me. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruki chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

JJust before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-04-08T16:46:25Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like my intent to walk to school in a leisurely fashion wasn’t going to work. Every time this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school not at the top of Mount Everest. (I suppose this is why people in fiction invent time machines.) All of this was just too depressing.

That was the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. (They look really stupid like that.) As for me, that was not the case — a lot of old classmates from my old junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look like something from an H-game. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the womens’ handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for the handball team here. She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty familiar, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I was starting to get nervous. Everyone here should understand my feelings, right?

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I probably won’t forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my bride! That is all."

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He was tall, and by tall, I mean ''tall''. He had dark hair that came down just past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown.

All this was my first impression of this guy.

Haruki, with his passionate eyes, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (I had my mouth wide open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But even then that sounded more like a challenge to a duel than a marriage proposal. Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone's minds were filled with question marks, and that everyone was confused as to what their reaction to this insanity should be. "Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that sombre face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on my hindsight—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school male.

This was only the calm before the storm! Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy, girlish smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. It’s not like guys haven’t treated me like that before, so it's not all that big of a deal. Still, coming from someone like him is especially... Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking shut-mouthed glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-esque guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, thickset Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-obsessed delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me? Isn't there a saying, "With friends like this..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is."

She used this line as the beginning of her speech.

"He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien bride stuff?"

Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.

"Yeah, that stuff. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so astonishing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

I don't remember hearing about that before.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice.

"I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like, refusing to say anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to different worlds, et cetera... A lot of speculations went around, but as long as the perpetrator himself refuses to talk, we might never know if those rumors are true or not. To this day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, busy laying the lines in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"That's not the only thing he did!"

Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch.

"This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I just don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to enjoy his lunch; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Unless he gets a lot of food… furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s really popular with the girls, though!”

Taniguchi winked.

"He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious and sexy. And his lone wolf appearance adds plenty of points too."

I get the feeling that's more cognitive dissonance than his personality actually being likable.

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's.

"There was a period of time where he randomly started asking girls out, non stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I do not wish to socialize with ordinary women! You’re a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out seemingly random girls! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, stay way from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle.

"If there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant grin on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspections, he definitely enters the 'Top Three Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You checked out every single first-year guy in the school?"

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as (giggle) fun as possible."

Yeah I get it, Taniguchi, but you didn't really answer the question.

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me.

"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.

I'll bet there's some sort of story behind that one, but, moving on...

Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like a class monitor. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the guys in the class. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of the male students in the class, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration...

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical handsome prince from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t have magical powers. I didn’t want to be carried off to be Suzumiya’s bride.

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant to me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Now, why would I say something like that?

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shonen character.

I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just throw his pants onto the desk and get into his gym gear.

While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be either completely confused or squealing in delight, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s near-naked body.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take his pants off without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang. But for those who are too corrupted to turn back, the photographs are available at 200 yen apiece from a certain Kazuma-kun in 1-5.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built… argh, where am I going with this?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him. All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kinda stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. So much for the sensibility of a high school girl. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. I mean, how can 1/12 of the population experience the same things on the same day? That's beyond bizarre. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?

…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment? Is the worsening condition of my skin the cure for this disease? And haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere.

"Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. My uncle was the first person to call me that. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week," was my indifferent response as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. At least my lack of cleavage allowed my chest to cool properly... what am I saying? I really need that shower...

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------

Suzumiya Haruki was already sitting behind my seat staring at the ceiling when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it... I blame the heat), before I could catch myself— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.

"When was it that you noticed?"

His tone was so icy cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks.
I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"F-for a while, I think."

"Truth be told?"

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

I think this is the first time we’ve had an actual conversation!

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Why does your opinion matter?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After I my answer, Okabe-sensei lightly entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Maybe this make me as weird as he is, talking to him like that?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of having three gelled spikes on his head, Haruki’s hair was held back by a yellow hairband, I felt quite depressed.

What the…? Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Does he think I'm an undercover alien and I'm onto his plans or something?

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"There is no reason whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully. I always tried to keep it about him.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."

He emphasizes this, and then slowly lets out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They are boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I expected to hear that from you."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not something important anyway... Did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I do hope she isn’t one of those stalking psycho girls that follow you around for years.”

"Don't think so," I thought.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them! Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner and paid for, with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said that your feelings matter?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"The problem is, are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures? I have been agitated by this question since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?"

When that burst out of me Haruki looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are not any fun at all!"
"...Maybe… you’re right."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT IS WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING SO HARD!!"

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's call them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh…

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything-ever" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of magical spell did you cast?"

"Magical spell? What?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I fire my question back at Taniguchi. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all, though I did try to keep the conversation about him.

"I’m really surprised!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new, Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would talk to an underdeveloped girl like her! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

I think my heart just skipped a couple of beats.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. Could you teach me how I should talk to him properly?"

I was too busy trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl so, I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I-I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved. He can't go on being isolated from his classmates like that, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like a class monitor because, well, he is our class monitor. He was elected as the class monitor in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

I wanted to say 'Anything for you', but that sounds stupid and I’d never hear the end of it.

…In any case, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

No, wait! Wait just a minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, putting his palms together and bowing slightly.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura-san wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck…

"Why will something interesting not happen here?!”

He’s complaining again.

“Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one, and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some ‘kick-ass’ clubs! But this, this is like trying to get into the Major League but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I’ve learned.

"Judging from our history, humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored."

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? ...Looks like I’m used to it already. I think the term to describe this is "learned behavior".

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I’ve been looking for years. The only thing that came close were my grandmother's tea leaves, and even then you had to squint and make VERY loose connections.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I’m normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming!

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert. It’s overwhelming… he needs to smile more often.

"I got it!"

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my scalp being nearly peeled off.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement.

"What's with that attitude? You should be happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My poor, aching head just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-04-02T17:25:31Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

JJust before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T02:23:18Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. So it'd be kinda funny if--”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“It... were... true?"

I faltered.

"Asahina... senpai?"

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T02:19:21Z

Kaisos: Reverted edits by Kaisos (Talk); changed back to last version by Lumbargo

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

As we continued on our walk, though, Asahina-senpai seemed to be getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...t-there's something they t-told me to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T02:18:42Z

Kaisos: Reverted edits by Lumbargo (Talk); changed back to last version by Kaisos

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

As we continued on our walk, though, Asahina-senpai seemed to be getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...t-there's something they t-told me to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of tubes digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T02:01:37Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

As we continued on our walk, though, Asahina-senpai seemed to be getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...t-there's something they t-told me to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of tubes digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T01:55:58Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious business work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed, as Asahina-senpai began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

As we continued on our walk, though, Asahina-senpai seemed to be getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...t-there's something they t-told me to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of tubes digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T01:37:03Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious business work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...''Yare yare''.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"Okay." Asahina-senpai and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

He looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed as Mitsuuru began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone... my parents say I'm too young to date..."

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. Can you believe that?”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of tubes digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty. It's also why I'm prohibited from involving myself with anyone. It's too risky."

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-04-01T01:29:14Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

JJust before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T01:26:09Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"Oh, that. I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious business work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...Good grief.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"'kay." Asahina-senpai winked at me, and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

Asahina-senpai looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed as Mitsuuru began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone...!"

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. Can you believe that?”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of tubes digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty" he finished.

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter4

2008-04-01T01:24:47Z

Kaisos:

What kind of joke is this, asking us to meet at nine in the morning on a weekend?!? Well, whatever kind of joke it is, I guess it's on me, because I'm actually listening to those instructions and pedaling like mad to get to the station.

Kitaguchi Station is right at the center of town, because it's an important railway hub. Every weekend the square in front of the station is packed with teenagers and young-adults window-shopping - other than catching the train to the city there's not much to do in this town besides hang out at the mall near the station. I wonder what kind of entertainment people in this town find for themselves, with so little to do around here?

I carelessly discarded my bicycle somewhere near the bank and ran to the turnstiles at the North Entrance. It was still five minutes to nine, but it looked like everybody else had already arrived.

Haruki pointed imperiously at me.

"You're late! Penalty!"

"It's not... even nine yet..." I panted. Haruki gave me an annoyed look.

"Bah! The last person to arrive is late, and latecomers have to be punished! That is the rule!"

Well, what if it was just you and me, Haruki? Would I still count as a latecomer? I sighed. "Why have I never heard of that rule before?"

"I just made it up now!"

Do you even listen to what you're saying!?

"So, your penalty! You're going to have to treat all of us to drinks!"

"Um, I can pay for-"

Asahina-senpai attempted to cut in, but was quickly overruled. "No ducking out!" Haruki declared, lifting one arm and pointing dramatically at me. Haruki, you're the lowest of the low. Are you seriously asking a girl to pay for your little outing?

Despite his harsh words, Haruki was visibly excited about the SOS Brigade's first out-of-school gathering. He was dressed in a loose white shirt and brown jacket with jeans, and he looked like a typical trendy teenager out for a good time. I pitied any girl who tried to flirt with him today based on that deceptive appearance.

Asahina-senpai was wearing a light pink shirt with a silver necktie and dress pants, looking a bit formal for the occasion. He gave me an apologetic smile as Haruki led the way into a nearby cafe.

Walking along beside me, Itsuko was wearing a white sleeveless top plus a denim shirt and short skirt. Not only did she have the figure to pull it off, she was also taller than me. Even her handbag was stylish and fashionable. It was irritating, but I had to admit that she looked pretty beautiful.

Nagato was walking by himself at the back of the group, as usual. Technically he's part of the Literature club, but I guess he considers himself to be a full-time SOS Brigade underling. I remembered all the weirdness he had spouted the other night, but to look at him you'd never have known that he would even be capable of imagining such nonsense. But why was he still wearing his school uniform, even on the weekend?

As we - the Mystery Five - entered the cafe by the roundabout and sat down in our chairs, the waiter sidled over and began to take down our oders. Haruki added lots of unnecessary extras to his order ("With a lemon! And ice cubes! and-") while Asahina-senpai picked the cheapest drink on the menu ("...water, please"). Nagato picked up the menu and studied it for some time with a serious look on his face, as if his choice of drinks were a matter of life and death.

"...Almond Tea," he said finally, placing the menu neatly back on the table.

It really doesn't matter what you order, since Haruki's forcing me to pay.

-----

Anyway, Haruki gave the following commands:

We were to split into two parties. If any of us found anything mysterious, we were to contact each other by cellphone and meet up to discuss what to do next. Once it was all over, a debriefing would be held to review and prepare for future developments.

That was all.

"Draw lots!"

Haruki grabbed five toothpicks from the toothpick stand, and marked two of them using a pen he'd borrowed from the waiter. He wrapped his hand around them, concealing the 'marked' ends, and thrust his fist out at us to draw.

Please, God, don't let me end up with Haruki....

In the end, I drew a marked one, and so did Asahina-senpai. He glanced at my toothpick, and then began to blush.

Haruki's eyes were full of cold fire.

"Mitsuuru-kun!" he snapped. "This is not a date! This is serious business work, understand!?"

"Y-yes!"

Don't roll over in submission so easily, Asahina-senpai! Stand up to him a bit! Still, I'm relieved. Asahina-senpai is the only one I feel safe walking around with.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Itsuko asked politely, while Nagato slowly drank his tea.

Haruki looked pleased that someone had asked that question. "Anything that looks suspicious! Anybody or anything that looks unusual! Look for portals that seem like they lead into different dimensions, or people who look like aliens disguised as humans!"

I nearly choked on my mint tea. Strangely, Asahina-senpai had nearly the same expression on his face. Nagato, as always, was completely impassive.

"I see, I see.." Itsuko said slowly.

What do you see?

"So then, all we have to do is look for aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and any traces they may have left behind on Earth. I understand entirely." Itsuko said cheerfully.

"Precisely! Koizumi-san has it exactly correct! Everyone would do well to learn from her!" Haruki declared, smiling widely. Don't suck up to Haruki so blatantly, Itsuko! Annoyed, I glared at her, but she simply smiled enigmatically at me.

"Alrighty then! Let's roll out!"

Standing abruptly, Haruki shoved the bill towards me and strode proudly out of the café.

Sighing, I reached for my purse, but Itsuko stopped me. "I'll take care of it," she said, winking at me.

"Ah... thank you. I'll pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it," she said, holding a finger to her smiling lips. "Just don't tell Suzumiya-san about this, and we'll call it settled."

Now that was odd. Maybe this is her way of apologizing to me for yesterday?

...Well, I say it a lot. But with good reason. I'll say it again.

“...Good grief.”

-----

Haruki threatened Asahina-senpai in graphic detail about what would happen if the search for extra-terrestrial life somehow turned into anything vaguely approaching 'romantic.' He needn't have bothered going that far; Asahina-senpai was shaking in fear after the first few sentences.

Haruki headed off east with Nagato and Itsuko, throwing a few suspicious glances back at us as they departed. Me and Asahina-senpai were supposed to go west. I still didn't know what is it we're supposed to look for.

"What should we do?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me nervously.

My first choice would have been to simply go home, but that was impossible - we were supposed to meet back here for lunch, so there was no way Haruki wouldn't notice. I pretended to think for a bit before I told him "It's pointless to stand around here doing nothing, so let's just take a bit of a walk."

"'kay." Asahina-senpai winked at me, and smiled.

I tried to imagine what we must look like to passers-by as we strolled down a path by the riverbank. Asahina-senpai wasn't really that tall, so we probably matched each other well. Then again, maybe people would think that I was his older sister. Well, if I were to have Asahina-senpai as my little brother, I wouldn't complain; he was probably a lot less annoying than my actual little brother.

If we had come down here about a month ago, we would have been able to see the cherry blossoms blooming, but alas, it was now just a plain riverside walk. Still, it was a popular spot for couples and families, so the place was a little crowded. But me and Asahina-senpai were probably the only people out here on this nice Spring day looking for aliens by the river.

"Oh, there's an ice-cream stand over there!" Asahina-senpai suddenly remarked. He turned to me and blushed a bit. "W-would you like some?"

"Oh, yes please!"

Asahina-senpai paid for the ice-cream, and we walked off licking it as quickly as we could before it melted. "Mmmmm..."

Asahina-senpai looked so happy. I guess he really liked sweet things.

"Asahina-senpai... there's a bit of ice-cream on your nose..."

"Oh!" He wiped it off, embarrassed.

He's just like a little kid! But I guess that's what makes him so cute.

We continued walking. I noticed that he kept glancing at me and then looking away rapidly.

“Senpai…?”

“U-um.” He stuttered, and turned away again. “I guess t-this is the first time… I’ve ever walked like this…”

"What do you mean?"

"Together… with a girl. All alone.”

Oh crap, I'm blushing.

He must have noticed as Mitsuuru began to panic. "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" he babbled, looking extremely flustered. "I'm not suppose to involve myself in a relationship with anyone...!"

His behaviour was just too cute.

"It's fine..." I said. "Let's just continue our walk."

It might be time to steer our conversation into less dangerous waters. “Heh, you know, it’s kinda funny, this ‘searching for aliens’ thing," I said carefully.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” I said nonchalantly. “It’s just that, Nagato told me something weird a couple days ago. He said he was an alien. Can you believe that?”

Asahina-senpai stopped short and went totally quiet.

“Asahina… senpai?”

He gulped a few times, and stared at me in total shock.

"Kyon-nee-chan..." he said softly, just staring at me for a second. Then something like determination flashed in his eyes. Bracing himself, he looked directly into my eyes and said, "...I t-think I have something to t-tell you."

-----

He led me to a bench by the sakura trees and we sat down, but for a long time Asahina-senpai didn't speak. He still looked like he was composing himself for something momentous. I could just make out his voice, muttering to himself. "Where s-should I begin? I'm no good at explaining things... m-maybe she just w-won't believe me..."

Finally he lifted his head and began to talk in a slightly uncomfortable tone. "I'm... not from this time, not from this age." he said, not quite looking directly at me. "I'm a time traveler. From the future. I can't tell you when I arrived from, or from which temporal plane. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, even if I wanted to."

I sat there quietly, listening to him talk. He apparently took this as a sign of encouragement and continued bravely on. "Look - telling anybody from the past about future events is strictly forbidden - before I returned to this time, I had to undergo mental conditioning. If I ever intend to say something that should not be revealed, I'll just run into a mental blank."

Asahina-senpai took a deep breath and continued, "People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. each time frame is made up of different two-dimensional flat planes."

"...you lost me at 'strict progression'" I said.

"Hmmm..." Asahina-senpai looked at me thoughtfully. His stutter seemed to have disappeared, for now. "How 'bout this? Try to imagine it like a cartoon. When we're watching a cartoon, you see the characters within move seamlessly. But you know that's just an illusion created from a series of still images. So time's a bit like that, a digitalized version. If I used a series of still images like that as a description, perhaps it'll help you to understand."

"So between every single time frame and another there are these things called 'temporal fault lines'. They exist, but the frequency of these fault lines is near zero, so there's no continuity between different time frames. Time traveling is the attempt to make a three-dimensional movement between the two-dimensional temporal planes. So for me, because I've arrived from the future into this temporal plane, it's like adding an extra object onto the still images of an animation."

"Even if I were to attempt to change the future," he continued seriously, "nothing would happen in the future that I came from, because of the lack of continuity between time planes. Everything would only change in this temporal frame. So it's like trying to add a few words onto a still image from the hundreds of still images needed for an animation - the overall story doesn't change, right?"

"Time is unlike this river here; it's not analogue, linear progressive events; it's a series of tubes digitalized temporal planes. Do you follow me?"

I hesitated on whether to clamp one hand to my forehead; eventually, I did. Temporal planes? Digitalization? I had no ideas what those terms meant, but... a time traveler?

Asahina-senpai glanced down at his shoes, took another breath, and continued. "Let me explain why I've come to this temporal plane..."

A couple with a young child passed us as Asahina-senpai began to explain. "Three years ago, we detected the occurrence of a huge time quake. It was... around three years ago before today, just as Suzumiya-san entered junior high. But when we attempted to travel back to investigate, we ran into some sort of source wall. We were unable to travel back any further into the past than three years ago."

Why is it three years ago again?

"We came to the conclusion that a massive temporal fault-line had been created, but we had no idea why it only appeared at that specific time-frame. It's only recently that we discovered the reason... recently relative to me, I mean. Sorry-"

"What caused this 'time quake'?" I interrupted. It couldn't be...

"We hypothesize that... that it was Suzumiya Haruki."

God-damnit. The exact words I didn't want to hear.

"He's located right at the nexus of the time-quake. Please don't ask why; the knowledge is forbidden, I can't tell you. But we're certain that it is Suzumiya-san who has blocked access to the past from that point onwards."

"...I don't think Haruki is even capable of doing that." I said, still staring at Asahina-senpai. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Neither did I." he said, not meeting my gaze. "Honestly, it's supposed to be impossible for a normal human to interfere with the temporal planes. It's still an unsolved mystery, and Suzumiya-san himself seems unaware that he is the source of temporal distortions and the time quake... I've been sent here to Suzumiya-san's side so I can better observe the changes to the temporal planes in his presence. Um... I think the best word for it that you currently have is 'surveillance'. Um, yes... I'm on surveillance duty" he finished.

"..."

I was too speechless to respond.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, no I don’t." I said, placing my hand on my head again. "Why are you telling me all of this this?"

"Because you have been chosen by Suzumiya-san."

Asahina turned to face me. Damnit, Nagato said exactly the same thing the other day.

"I can't go into the details. But, if I've guessed correctly, you're a very important person to Suzumiya-san. There's a reason behind everything that he does."

Yeah, his so-called master plan or whatever...

"Then Nagato-kun and Itsuko are...?" I prompted.

"They are similar to me, but Suzumiya-san is still unaware that he is the one who has gathered us to his side."

"Then do you know what they are?"

"Classified information."

"What would happen if we just leave Haruki alone?"

"Classified information."

"Since you're from the future, you should know what happens next, right?"

"Classified information."

"What if I told Haruki all of this?!"

"Classified information."

He paused.

"I'm sorry, I really can't tell you. Especially right now, when I don't have the authority to do so."

Asahina-senpai looked really apologetic. "It doesn't matter even if you don't believe me; I'd just like to let you know about this."

I remembered hearing almost the same things being said inside a certain dull, quiet apartment.

"I'm sorry."

Seeing me so silent, Asahina-senpai's eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears. "I'm s-sorry, for suddenly t-telling you all of this-"

"It's… okay. Really.”

First there's Nagato, telling me he's a Living Humanoid Interface created by aliens. Now Asahina-senpai is claiming that he's a time-traveling spy, sent from the future. How am I supposed to believe this? Somebody, help me!

------

We stared silently at the river.

Time passed us by.

"Asahina-senpai?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can I just pretend this conversation never happened?" I said, leaning back and sighing. "Whether I believe you or not, let's just put this aside for now, okay?"

"Okay!"

Asahina-senpai smiled, his face lighting up immediately. "I guess this is the best solution, the way things are going at the moment. Please, just treat me as you've always done, Kyon-nee-chan!"

He bowed deeply to me. Hey, hey, that's a bit too formal, don't you think? I guess I should say something to lighten the mood.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" Asahina-senpai asked, ducking his head down like a little bird and looking at me curiously.

"I know you're not allowed to be involved with anyone, but... do you have anyone you like?"

I wasn’t expecting any response, but…

"Classified information!"

Asahina smiled at me again, and winked.

...

So cute!

------

So after that, we took a simple stroll around the streets. Despite Haruki's threats and warnings about not going on a date, I figured that simply walking around with Asahina-senpai probably wouldn't incur his wrath. We went window shopping at the fashion stores in the mall, took a peek at the souvenir stalls by the street side... you know, just random stuff to kill time.

Eventually, my cell phone rang. It was Haruki.

"Hey Kyon! We're meeting at noon, at the same place where we met this morning, remember! Don't be late!"

He hung up before I had a chance to reply. I glanced at my watch - it was already eleven fifty. Damnit, there's no way we were going to make it!

"Was that Suzumiya-san? What'd he say?" Asahina-senpai asked, looking worried.

"He 'reminded me' that we need to get back to the station by noon, so we need to hurry!" I said, grabbing his hand. I knew there was no chance to get their by noon unless we ran, so we took off, sprinting as hard as we could. What reaction would Haruki have if he saw us running up hand-in-hand? He'd probably dress Asahina-senpai up in my bunny suit or something equally as horrible.

Better not let that happen, then!

-----

"Results?" Haruki demanded, as we arrived, panting. We were ten minutes late, and that was the first thing Haruki said when he saw us. He seemed rather pissed off.

"You didn’t find anything?"

"Nope."

"You probably didn’t even look, did you?" he said, getting worked up. "I bet you just walked around aimlessly. What did I tell you, Mitsuuru-kun?!"

Asahina-senpai trembled with utter terror. I’ve got to get Haruki to stop this, now!

"So what did you guys find, then?" I asked, defensively. Upon hearing me, Haruki went silent. Itsuko, standing behind him, played idly with a strand of loose hair, while Nagato, of course, stood motionlessly.

After a few moments of no one saying anything, Haruki growled, "Let's just have lunch first then. We'll continue after that."

What? You still want to continue!?

-----

We had our lunch in a burger shop. Haruki ordered the biggest burger they had for sale, and devoured it and the fries that came with it in about thirty seconds flat. I guess he uses all those calories for his massive burst of energy. He's so fast in every respect...

Haruki said it was time to draw lots again, and drew out some extra toothpicks he'd stolen from the café earlier this morning. He’s well prepared for stuff that he likes, I guess.

“Didn’t I tell you? All part of the plan.”

Koizumi swiftly picked a toothpick. "Unmarked again" she said, gracing us with her elegant smile. Geez, her teeth are white! Guess that’s why she’s always smiling.

"Mine is too."

Asahina-senpai showed me the toothpick he had just drawn.

"And Kyon-nee-chan?”

"Nope, sorry." I said, leaning back. "Mine’s marked."

Haruki's scowled at me and rushed Nagato into drawing a toothpick. I didn't think it was possible for him to be in a fouler mood than he already was, but...

Please not Haruki, please not Haruki, please not Haruki…

In the end, my wish was granted. Nagato drew the marked toothpick and so was grouped with me. Haruki silently glared at the unmarked toothpick as if staring at his mother's murderer, then turned towards me and Nagato (who was rapidly, but neatly, devouring his cheeseburger) and scowled.

Why the heck are you so mad today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in front of the station by four. Find something by then, or else!"

After that fierce statement, he grabbed my Coke, drained it one gulp, and stalked angrily out of the restaurant.

Hey! I was going to drink that!

-----

This time we went south and north, with me and Nagato charged with the duty of investigating the south side. Before we parted, Asahina-senpai waved me goodbye. Good luck, Asahina-senapi! Don't let Haruki and Itsuko force you into strange costumes again!

So it was just me and Nagato standing idly in front of the busy station. "What do you want to do?" I asked, looking up at Nagato.

Nagato said nothing.

"...Let's go."

I strode forward and found that Nagato would begin to follow. Looked like I was starting to get used to hanging around him.

"Nagato-kun, about the stuff you told me the other day..."

"Yes?"

"I'm starting to believe it a little."

"Is that true...?"

"Yeah."

"..."

So under this empty atmosphere we silently walked around the station. I tried to make small talk with Nagato, but…

"Don't you have any casual clothing?"

"..."

"Well, what do you do on holidays?"

"..."

"Are you happy now?"

"..."

And that's how our conversation went for that day.

There wasn't much point just walking around aimlessly, so I suggested to Nagato that we go to the new library by the seaside that had been built around the same time the council developed the land for the station. I'd never been inside before, really, because I rarely borrowed any books. I just thought maybe I could get some rest. But when we got inside, I discovered that every single seat was occupied. I guess these people don't have anywhere else to go in their free time, huh?

I glanced around the library, looking a bit lost, while Nagato had already drifted towards the bookshelves as though in a trance. I guess this must be his personal nirvana.

I used to read often. When I was back in elementary school, my dad used to borrow illustrated books from the children's section for me to read. There were all sorts of books, but I did remember that the ones that I'd read were all quite interesting. But I couldn't remember the names of any of those books anymore. When was it that I stopped reading?

When did reading become boring for me?

I randomly picked up a book from the shelf and flipped through a few pages, before putting it back and picking up another book. It would take me forever to find an interesting book in this ocean of literature, if I didn't do any research first. With those kind of thoughts hanging over my head, I wandered aimlessly between the bookshelves.

As I headed to look for Nagato, I found him sitting cross-legged in front of a shelf full of thick hardcover books, reading one large tome particularly intently. I guess these are your favorites, Nagato?

Eventually, a woman reading a fashion magazine stood up and wandered off elsewhere. I went and sat down on her chair, carrying a novel that I had randomly picked. But it's impossible to continue reading a book that I had never intended on reading in the first place, so I found myself getting drowsy... and eventually fell asleep.

At that moment my skirt pocket suddenly vibrated.

"WHA-?!?"

I jumped in astonishment. When I saw everyone frowning at me, I remembered that I was in a library, and immediately rushed out of the library to answer my cell phone, which had been set to silent mode.

"Idiot! What the hell have you been doing!?"

A deafening sound roared through my ear. Haruki's dulcet tones helped me jump straight out of my drowsiness and back to reality.

"Exactly what time do you think it is now?!" he roared through the phone.

"Sorry, I just woke up just now!" I babbled, glancing at my watch. Great, we were at least a quarter of an hour late already!

"What!? Dumbass!"

You are the least qualified person to call me a dumbass!

"Get your ass over here at once! I’m giving you thirty seconds!"

Stop making demands that are impossible to achieve, Haruki!

After Haruki roughly hung up, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and rushed back inside the library. Nagato was still there, reading what looked like a huge encyclopedia.

The following was a little tricky. It took quite some time trying to move Nagato - who seemed almost rooted to the spot - and then we had to go to the counter to fill out a form to borrow the book. And the entire time, my pocket incessantly vibrated - Haruki wouldn't stop calling me.

When we returned to the station, Nagato holding the thick philosophy book in his arms like it was his first-born child, the three people waiting there all had completely different reactions. Asahina-senpai offered us an exhausted smile, coupled with a sigh of relief; Itsuko simply shrugged her shoulders, while Haruki (predictably) yelled at me as though I was on the other side of a mountain.

"Late again!" he snarled. "Penalty!!!"

...I guess that means I have to treat you guys. I looked over at Itsuko.

“Sorry,” she said, shrugging again. “Not this time. I bought a new top, so...”

Gee, thanks for the help.

-----

Finally, we concluded the day's activities, after wasting all our time and lots of my money. I could have spent today comfortably at home, playing video games...

"I'm tired!" Asahina-san whispered to me as we parted. "Suzumiya-san walked by so fast that I had a tough time keeping up! But thanks for listening to what I had to say today" he said, lowering his head and smiled shyly.

Are all people from the future as stunningly cute as you?

"See-you-later then!" Ashaina said, waving goodbye. As I watched him leave, Itsuko came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Mmmm, today was fun! How should I put this..." she said, looking me in the eyes. "...Suzumiya-san is really quite an interesting person! A pity I couldn't be with you today, though. Next time, maybe, hmmm?"

Itsuko left wearing her trademark grin that was rapidly becoming rather annoying. Turning, I discovered that Nagato had already vanished.

That left Haruki, staring angrily at me.

"What exactly have you been doing all day today?"

"I could ask myself the same question.”

"What kind of answer is that?!"

He’s really pissed.

"What about you, then? You found something interesting, did you?" I retorted. Haruki said nothing, but started grinding his teeth instead. He’d probably go on until he had no teeth left if I didn’t stop him.

"Well, don't worry," I continued, eventually. "It's not like the mysteries would be so careless as to let you discover them in one day."

Haruki stopped grinding his teeth and turned his gaze away from me. I guess he noticed me trying to lighten the mood.

"...Day after tommorrow, in school. Debriefing. Be there."

Without a single look back, Haruki turned and disappeared into the crowd.

It didn't matter to me. My mind was focused entirely on going home. But when I got back to the bank, I found my bike missing. Replacing it was a small poster on the lamppost which stated that "Your bicycle has been towed away as a result of illegal parking."

...why me?

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-01T01:22:20Z

Kaisos:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. "There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the batroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen, so I knelt down by the little table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Nagato

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before entering the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remember something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he just didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly covey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially being marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-04-01T01:17:07Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

JJust before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

<noinclude>
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| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-04-01T01:15:47Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like my intent to walk to school in a leisurely fashion wasn’t going to work. Every time that I that this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school not at the top of Mount Everest. (I suppose this is why people in fiction invent time machines.) All of this was just too depressing.

That was the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. (They look really stupid like that.) As for me, that was not the case — a lot of old classmates from my old junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look like something from an H-game. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the womens’ handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for the handball team here. She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty familiar, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I was starting to get nervous. Everyone here should understand my feelings, right?

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

------

I probably won’t forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.

------

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my bride! That is all."

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He had dark hair that came down just past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown. All this was my first impression of this guy.

Haruki, with his passionate eyes, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (I had my mouth wide open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But even then that sounded more like a challenge to a duel than a marriage proposal. Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone's minds were filled with question marks, and that everyone was confused as to what their reaction to this insanity should be. "Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that sombre face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on my hindsight—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

------

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

------

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school male.

This was only the calm before the storm! Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy, girlish smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. It’s not like guys haven’t treated me like that before, so it's not all that big of a deal. Still, coming from someone like him is especially... Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking shut-mouthed glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-esque guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, thickset Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-obsessed delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

------

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya-kun?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me? Isn't there a saying, "With friends like this..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is."

She used this line as the beginning of her speech.

"He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien bride stuff?"

Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.

"Yeah, that stuff. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so astonishing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

I don't remember hearing about that before.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice.

"I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like, refusing to say anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to different worlds, et cetera... A lot of speculations went around, but as long as the perpetrator himself refuses to talk, we might never know if those rumors are true or not. To this day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, busy laying the lines in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"That's not the only thing he did!"

Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch.

"This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I just don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to enjoy his lunch; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Unless he gets a lot of food… furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s really popular with the girls, though!”

Taniguchi winked.

"He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious and sexy. And his lone wolf appearance adds plenty of points too."

I get the feeling that's more cognitive dissonance than his personality actually being likable.

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's.

"There was a period of time where he randomly started asking girls out, non stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I do not wish to socialize with ordinary women! You’re a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out seemingly random girls! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, stay way from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle.

"If there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant grin on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspections, he definitely enters the 'Top Three Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You checked out every single first-year guy in the school?"

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as (giggle) fun as possible."

Yeah I get it, Taniguchi, but you didn't really answer the question.

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me.

"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.

I'll bet there's some sort of story behind that one, but, moving on...

Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like a class monitor. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the guys in the class. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of the male students in the class, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration...

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical handsome prince from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t have magical powers. I didn’t want to be carried off to be Suzumiya’s bride.

------

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant to me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Now, why would I say something like that?

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shonen character.

I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just throw his pants onto the desk and get into his gym gear.

While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be either completely confused or squealing in delight, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s near-naked body.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take his pants off without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang. But for those who are too corrupted to turn back, the photographs are available at 200 yen apiece from a certain Kazuma-kun in 1-5.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built… argh, where am I going with this?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him. All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kinda stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

------

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. So much for the sensibility of a high school girl. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. I mean, how can 1/12 of the population experience the same things on the same day? That's beyond bizarre. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?

…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment? Is the worsening condition of my skin the cure for this disease? And haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere.

"Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. My uncle was the first person to call me that. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week," was my indifferent response as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. At least my lack of cleavage allowed my chest to cool properly... what am I saying? I really need that shower...

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

------

Suzumiya Haruki was already sitting behind my seat staring at the ceiling when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it... I blame the heat), before I could catch myself— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.

"When was it that you noticed?"

His tone was so icy cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks.
I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"F-for a while, I think."

"Truth be told?"

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

I think this is the first time we’ve had an actual conversation!

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Why does your opinion matter?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After I my answer, Okabe-sensei lightly entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

------

Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Maybe this make me as weird as he is, talking to him like that?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of having three gelled spikes on his head, Haruki’s hair was held back by a yellow hairband, I felt quite depressed.

What the…? Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Does he think I'm an undercover alien and I'm onto his plans or something?

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"There is no reason whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully. I always tried to keep it about him.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."

He emphasizes this, and then slowly lets out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They are boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I expected to hear that from you."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not something important anyway... Did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I do hope she isn’t one of those stalking psycho girls that follow you around for years.”

"Don't think so," I thought.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them! Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner and paid for, with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said that your feelings matter?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"The problem is, are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures? I have been agitated by this question since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?"

When that burst out of me Haruki looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are not any fun at all!"
"...Maybe… you’re right."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT IS WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING SO HARD!!"

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's call them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh…

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything-ever" look on his face...?

------

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of magical spell did you cast?"

"Magical spell? What?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I fire my question back at Taniguchi. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all, though I did try to keep the conversation about him.

"I’m really surprised!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new, Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would talk to an underdeveloped girl like her! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

I think my heart just skipped a couple of beats.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. Could you teach me how I should talk to him properly?"

I was too busy trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl so, I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I-I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved. He can't go on being isolated from his classmates like that, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like a class monitor because, well, he is our class monitor. He was elected as the class monitor in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

I wanted to say 'Anything for you', but that sounds stupid and I’d never hear the end of it.

…In any case, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

No, wait! Wait just a minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, putting his palms together and bowing slightly.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura-san wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck…

"Why will something interesting not happen here?!”

He’s complaining again.

“Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one, and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some ‘kick-ass’ clubs! But this, this is like trying to get into the Major League but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I’ve learned.

"Judging from our history, humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored."

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? ...Looks like I’m used to it already. I think the term to describe this is "learned behavior".

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I’ve been looking for years. The only thing that came close were my grandmother's tea leaves, and even then you had to squint and make VERY loose connections.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I’m normal, right?

------

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming!

------

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert. It’s overwhelming… he needs to smile more often.

"I got it!"

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my scalp being nearly peeled off.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement.

"What's with that attitude? You should be happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My poor, aching head just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-04-01T01:11:06Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

JJust before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter1

2008-04-01T00:53:40Z

Kaisos:

And so, I entered the senior high school in my area.

At that point, I’d already begun to regret this decision. My new school sat on top of a very high hill, and, even in the spring weather, students would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. Looks like my intent to walk to school in a leisurely fashion wasn’t going to work. Every time that I that this thought rose to my head, along with the fact that I would have to walk up this hill every day for the next three years, I became tired and depressed, which is why I overslept a bit today. I was beating myself over the head for not studying harder in middle school. Had I done so, I might have gotten into a better school not at the top of Mount Everest. (I suppose this is why people in fiction invent time machines.) All of this was just too depressing.

That was the reason for my lone grim face in the, pointless, time-wasting entrance ceremony. Everyone else in the room had that "starting a new journey" look on their face; you know, the unique "hopeful, yet filled with uncertainty" look that every new student wears when they enter a new school. (They look really stupid like that.) As for me, that was not the case — a lot of old classmates from my old junior high school were also coming to this school. Added to that, a few of my friends were also here. As a result, I didn't look as worried, or excited, as other people.

The guys were wearing the more modern sport jackets, and we, the girls, were wearing the traditional sailor uniform, a pretty weird combination. Maybe some of the teachers standing behind the snore inducing, boring-as-hell principal giving a speech on the stage had some sort of fetish for sailor uniforms. At this point, I really wished that I had gotten into a school that had business suits as the girl's uniform instead. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look like something from an H-game. Maybe I should organize a petition and get all the other girls to sign it… no, that’d be too much work.

As I was thinking about these useless things, the boring ceremony finally ended, (why do we need to sit through these things again?) and I, along with my not-so-willing new classmates, entered the 1-5 classroom.

Our homeroom teacher, Okabe-sensei, with her practiced-for-an-hour-in-front-of-a-mirror smile, walked to the front of the class and gave a self-introduction. She first said that she was a PE teacher, and was the managing teacher for the girls’ handball team. Then she moved on to stuff like how, back when she was in university, she used to play on the womens’ handball team, and even won the championship, and that this school seriously lacked handball players, so whoever entered the team would become a regular instantly. She sounds really desperate. Guess there’s not much support for the handball team here. She went on to say stuff like how handball was the most interesting sport in all the world and on and on... just when I thought that the mind-numbing handball dialogue would never end, she suddenly blurted out:

"Now, let's introduce ourselves!"

This kind of thing was pretty familiar, though, so I wasn't surprised at all.

One by one, the people on the left side of the class started to introduce themselves. They raised their hand, announced their name, the name of their old school, and other inconsequential stuff, such as a hobby or favorite food. Some people mumbled their way through it, a few had some pretty interesting introductions, while some tried to tell lame jokes that suddenly made the temperature in the classroom drop. As the people in my row started to introduce themselves, my turn was approaching. I was starting to get nervous. Everyone here should understand my feelings, right?

After I managed to finish my carefully planned, minimal-length introduction without faltering over my words too much, I sat down, feeling the relief you get after having finished something unpleasant but necessary.

I probably won’t forget the next few minutes for the rest of my life.

The person behind me stood up for his turn said the words that would be the topic of conversation at North High for quite a long time to come.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruki. I graduated from East Junior High."

Up to this point, the introduction was still normal, still ordinary, so I saw no point in turning around to look at him. I just stared at the front and listened to his deep, clear voice.

"Normal humans do not interest me! If anyone here is an alien, a time traveler, a slider, or an esper, then come! Be my bride! That is all."

What's this… so early in the morning?

Upon hearing something as off-the-wall as that, there’s no way I couldn't help but turn around.

He had dark hair that came down just past his neck. His angular face was filled with daring and challenge as the rest of the class stared at him. His seriousness and zeal shone through his glinting eyes and long eyebrows. His lips were tightly pursed in a frown. All this was my first impression of this guy.

Haruki, with his passionate eyes, scanned the class slowly, stopped to glare at me (I had my mouth wide open), and then sat down and crossed his arms without so much as a smile.

Was he trying to be dramatic? But even then that sounded more like a challenge to a duel than a marriage proposal. Did he overdose on shounen manga?

At that moment, I believe everyone's minds were filled with question marks, and that everyone was confused as to what their reaction to this insanity should be. "Should I laugh?" No one really knew.

Well, I guess he wasn't trying to be dramatic or funny, as Haruki always has that sombre face on.

He is always serious.

This is based on my hindsight—I can't be wrong.

After the mythical fairies of silence danced around the classroom for thirty-something seconds, the homeroom teacher, obviously flustered, signaled the next person to continue, and the tense atmosphere, thankfully, lifted.

That’s how we met.

How entirely unforgettable. Given the choice, I really want to believe that this was all just a coincidence.

After grabbing everyone's attention on the first day, Haruki reverted to being an ordinary high school male.

This was only the calm before the storm! Looking back, I finally understand it all.

Everyone here at this school came from one of the four junior high schools in the city— people with average grades. This, obviously, included East Junior High; so there should be people in the class who graduated with Haruki, who knew what his stoicism symbolized. Unfortunately for me, I did not know any former East Junior High students. No one could have explained to me how serious the situation really was. As a result, a few days after that explosive introduction, I did something I would never forget—I tried to talk to him before class.

My metaphorical dominoes of misfortune had begun to fall, and I was the person who pushed the first block! All of this is my fault!

Because, you see, when Haruki sits in silence in his seat, he looks just like a normal good-looking guy. Besides, he seemed interesting enough, and sitting in front of him was a good enough reason to strike up a conversation. I’m so naïve! Somebody, anybody, please, slap some sense into me!

Of course, I started the conversation with that incident.

"Hi!"

I casually turned my head around, with an airy, girlish smile all over my face.

"The stuff you said, back in your introduction, was all that serious?"

With his arms crossed on his chest, lips pursed together, Suzumiya Haruki kept his posture, then stared right into my eyes.

"What 'stuff in my introduction'?"

"The stuff about the aliens."

"Do you happen to be an alien?"

He looked very serious.

"Well, um... No."

"If you are not, then what business do you have with me?"

"...N-Nothing."

"Then don't bother talking to me. You are a waste of time."

His glare was so cold that I found myself stuttering "sorry" before realizing it. Suzumiya Haruki then removed his glare from me, contemptuously and, looking up, started to frown at the ceiling.

I had considered trying to whip back a line or two, but I couldn't think of anything good to say, especially after being called a “waste of time”. It’s not like guys haven’t treated me like that before, so it's not all that big of a deal. Still, coming from someone like him is especially... Thankfully, at that moment the homeroom teacher came into the classroom and saved me from thinking about it any longer.

I turned my head back to my desk, full of melancholy, and noticed that a few people were staring at me with looks of great interest on their faces. This, obviously, made me feel pretty annoyed and slightly on the embarrassed side. After I stared back at them, however, I noticed that they all had the same, feeble-looking expression on their faces. Some even nodded at me with sympathy.

Like I said, at first I felt pretty damn irritated, but later on I learned that all those people graduated from East Junior High.

Given that my first encounter with Haruki had ended horribly, I figured that I should keep my distance from him for now, for the sake of both my safety and my dignity. With that precaution on my mind, a week passed by.

But, just as I was still part of this class, there were always people who wanted to talk to the eyebrow-locking shut-mouthed glowering Haruki. Sucks to be them.

Most of the people were sports-obsessed, delinquent-esque guys; I guess they saw a fellow kinsman in the tall, thickset Haruki. This would be perfectly fine if Haruki actually was a sports-obsessed delinquent.

"Hey, did you see the game last night? The one that went on for an hour without a single goal scored?"

"No."

"Eh, but, why?"

"I do not know."

“Aw, that’s too bad. You should check out the game next week, though. I hear they’re really going—“

"Go away! You are aggravating me!"

That's how it went.

Couldn’t he just answer “no” with that poker face on? No, he had to show his lack of patience in both his expression and his voice. This only made his victim believe that they did something wrong. At the end they could only say "I see... then I'll just...", and ask themselves "What did I say that was so wrong?" and slink away.

Hey, don't look so sad; you didn't say anything wrong. If you ask me, the problem here is with Suzumiya Haruki's brain, not yours.

Even though I don’t mind eating alone, I didn't want others to think that I was some loser girl that nobody liked when everybody else was cheerfully eating their lunch with their friends. That's why, even though I didn't care if others didn’t understand, I ate my lunch together with my junior high school friend Kunikida and an East Junior High graduate named Taniguchi, who sat close to me.

We started to talk about Haruki.

"Did you try to talk to Suzumiya-kun?" Taniguchi asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. I nodded.

"And then he said some crazy stuff and really you didn't know how to react?"

"That's what happened."

Taniguchi put her sliced boiled egg into her mouth, chewed, and said:
"Well, he wouldn’t be interested in you anyway, considering your figure. Personally, I advise you to give up! Not even pretty girls can attract the attention of this guy."

Excuse me? Isn't there a saying, "With friends like this..."?

"I was in his class three years in a row; I know how he is."

She used this line as the beginning of her speech.

"He always does the weirdest things. I thought he’d at least tone it down a bit when he got into senior high; apparently, he hasn't. You heard him in his introduction, right?"

"You mean the alien bride stuff?"

Kunikida, who was busy picking small bones out of her fried fish, had butted in.

"Yeah, that stuff. Even back in junior high, he always said and did lots of bizarre stuff. For example, there was the School Vandalization Incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that one thing that that uses plaster dust to draw lines on the sports field? Um… what was it called again? Anyway, he sneaked into school late at night and, with, that, um, whatever it was, drew a huge huge symbol in the middle of the field."

Taniguchi had an impish smile on her face— she was probably remembering the incident.

"It was so astonishing. I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor to get a better view. That didn't help— I still didn't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I saw that before. Didn't the newspaper have a story on it? It even had a helicopter view of it! The symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram," Kunikida said.

I don't remember hearing about that before.

"I saw the article, I saw it. The headline was something like 'Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High At Night,' right? Well, care to guess who pulled that stunt?"

"It was him, right?"

"He admitted it himself. There's no mistaking it. Naturally, he got called into the principal's office. Every teacher was there, questioning him on why he did it."

"Why did he do it, then?"

"I have no idea," Taniguchi answered flatly, as she tried to swallow a mouthful of rice.

"I heard he refused to say anything. You’ve seen what he’s like, refusing to say anything unless he considers it important. Someone said that he drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, others said that it was a magic symbol and was used in summoning monsters, or that he was trying to open a portal to different worlds, et cetera... A lot of speculations went around, but as long as the perpetrator himself refuses to talk, we might never know if those rumors are true or not. To this day, it's still a mystery."

For some reason, the picture of Haruki, with his straightforward look, busy laying the lines in the middle of the school field at night, floated into my mind. He definitely prepared the drawing tools and the limestone powders beforehand in the storage room; maybe he even bought a flashlight! Under its dim yellow light, Suzumiya Haruki looked very serene and tragic, his head thrown back, look up at the sky, just waiting and waiting...

No, that’s just my imagination going to a weird place.

Really, Suzumiya Haruki was probably really doing it to summon UFOs or monsters, or even a portal to another world. Maybe he wanted to fight whatever showed up? But after all that work, nothing came of it, and he must have been left with feelings of boredom and melancholy. That’s what I thought.

"That's not the only thing he did!"

Taniguchi continued to gobble down her lunch.

"This one time, I came to the classroom in the morning and discovered that all the desks were moved outside, or that there were these printed stars on the school roof. Another time he was going around the school slapping O-fuda onto the walls and ceiling... you know, those Chinese ones where you put the paper talisman on a vampire's forehead. I just don’t get him."

Suzumiya Haruki was not inside the classroom at this point, or else we probably wouldn't have been having this conversation. But then again, even if he did hear us, he probably wouldn't have cared. Usually, Suzumiya Haruki marched out of the classroom immediately after fourth period, then came back right before the fifth. He didn't seem to have a lunch box, so I had assumed that he went to the cafeteria to enjoy his lunch; but it doesn't take the whole hour to eat lunch, does it? Unless he gets a lot of food… furthermore, he vanishes right at the end of every period. Where the heck does he go...?

"He’s really popular with the girls, though!”

Taniguchi winked.

"He’s athletic, smart, and pretty cute too. Even if he’s nuts, some girls think that makes him mysterious and sexy. And his lone wolf appearance adds plenty of points too."

I get the feeling that's more cognitive dissonance than his personality actually being likable.

"So how do you know all of this?" Kunikida asked, with her lunch box twice as full as Taniguchi's.

"There was a period of time where he randomly started asking girls out, non stop. From what I heard, the longest relationship lasted a week, the shortest one ended 5 minutes after he asked her. In addition, the only reason Suzumiya gave for dumping his girlfriends was 'I do not wish to socialize with ordinary women! You’re a waste of time!’"

That line again, huh? That guy really has no sense of tact, does he? If it's any consolation to those countless broken hearts, they're not missing out on much.

Taniguchi seemed to be speaking from experience. After she noticed my stare, she blushed and became a bit flustered.

"I heard all of this from other people! I’m not lying! I-It’s just, for some reason, he just asked out seemingly random girls! But by the third year, everyone had finally started to stay away from him; so no one got asked out anymore. Although, I have a funny feeling that history will repeat itself in senior high… I’m warning you now, stay way from him! This is coming from someone who was in the same class as he was."

Say whatever you want. I’m not interested in him anyway. Besides, aren’t I “not good looking enough”, according to you?

Taniguchi put her empty lunch-box back into her bag, and let out a high-pitched giggle.

"If there's one guy I'd like to date, it'd be him, Asakura Ryou."

Taniguchi nodded towards a group of guys a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing group, with a calm, pleasant grin on his face, was Asakura Ryou.

"Judging from my inspections, he definitely enters the 'Top Three Hottest First Year Guys' list."

"You checked out every single first-year guy in the school?"

"I group guys into A to D categories and, believe me, I only pay attention to the A guys. You only get to go through high school life once— I want mine to be as (giggle) fun as possible."

Yeah I get it, Taniguchi, but you didn't really answer the question.

"Then that Asakura Ryou is an A then?" Kunikida asked.

"He's an AA+! Come on, just look at his face, his personality must be first class! I even hear he's in the kendo club! Plus, he's got a great butt, too."

I really don't need to hear this... or rather, I don't need you to tell me.

"Oh, so the sort of guy who'd actually remember your birthday?" Kunikida butted in again.

I'll bet there's some sort of story behind that one, but, moving on...

Taniguchi was right, you couldn't deny that Asakura Ryou was quite a different kind of guy than Suzumiya Haruki.

First and most obviously, he was very handsome; and he always smiled, giving off the impression of great compassion towards everybody. Second, Taniguchi's description of his personality was actually pretty accurate. These days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruki anymore, except for Asakura Ryou. No matter how rude Suzumiya Haruki was, Asakura Ryou still tried to talk to him from time to time. He was so fervent in the matter that he almost acted like a class monitor. Third, from the way he answered teachers' questions in class alone, you could see that he was very smart. He always answered the questions correctly — in the eyes of the teachers he was probably a model student. To top it off, he was extremely popular with the guys in the class. The term had only been going for a week, and he was already well on his way to being the idol of the male students in the class, who seemed to look at him like a feudal lord of old. I think the Greeks had a word for that kind of adoration...

Asakura Ryou was one of the few guys I’d ever seen who looked like the stereotypical handsome prince from the cartoons I’d watched as a little girl. That charming smile, that calm appearance… Compared to him, Suzumiya Haruki was just a science fiction obsessed weirdo.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t have magical powers. I didn’t want to be carried off to be Suzumiya’s bride.

-

It was still April then, and Suzumiya hadn't started acting up yet. Which meant to me, a month of peace and relaxation. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that there was only be a month to go before Haruki would start going off his rocker.

Even during that short time, though, I'd already observed some of Haruki’s more eccentric behaviors.

Now, why would I say something like that?

Peculiarity #1: Every day, his hairstyle changed. Added to this, from my observations, there was sort of a weird pattern to it all. On Monday, Haruki would come to school with his hair down. On Tuesday, there’d be a single spike gelled up on the back of his head. On the next day, there'd be two spikes, the day after, three; by Friday, there were four spikes, one on each cardinal direction of his head. Was that supposed to signify something?

So Monday, zero. Tuesday, one. Wednesday, two...

As the day of the week increased, so would the number of hair spikes; by next Monday, the whole crazy process would start again. I couldn’t see any reason for it. Following that pattern, he should have six spikes on Sunday... I bet he looks like some sort of typical shonen character.

I suddenly wanted to see how his head looks on Sunday.

Peculiarity #2:For Phys Ed, classes 1-5 and 1-6 would combine and have Phys ED together, though the boys and girls separated. When we changed clothes, the girls would go to the 1-6 classroom, and the boys would go to the 1-5 classroom; meaning at the end of the period, the girls from our class (1-5) would move to the other room to change.

Unfortunately for my poor sanity, Haruki would completely ignore these conventions and start stripping before the girls had even left.

It wasn’t as if he was an exhibitionist or anything. I think he simply didn’t care whether anybody saw his body or not. Wearing his usual scowl, he’d just throw his pants onto the desk and get into his gym gear.

While this was happening most of the girls in the class would be either completely confused or squealing in delight, so it was up to me to get them out of there, trying to ignore Haruki’s near-naked body.

According to gossip, the other guys in the class (led by Asakura Ryou) attempted to talk Haruki out of that kind of behaviour, but he refused. Something about “the male body being nothing to be ashamed of”. Every PE lesson, Haruki would totally ignore everyone else and take his pants off without so much as a glance. So, in order to preserve the purity of our maiden eyes, we girls decided to leave the classroom as soon as the bell rang. But for those who are too corrupted to turn back, the photographs are available at 200 yen apiece from a certain Kazuma-kun in 1-5.

Seriously, though, Haruki is pretty well built… argh, where am I going with this?

Peculiarity #3: At the end of every period, Haruki would go missing. When the school bell came rolling around, he’d grab his school bag and march out of the classroom. I’d have thought that he’d go straight home; but to my amazement, he joined and quit every single club in the school. One day, you’d see him shooting hoops in the Basketball Club, and the next you’d see him making an urn in the Pottery Club. The following day, you might see him waving a stick at the opposing team in the Hockey Club, or smacking home runs in the Baseball Club. Now I can see why those sports jocks tried to talk to him. All the clubs tried to persuade him into joining them permanently, but turned each and every one of them down. His explanation went along the lines of "Doing the same thing every day is boring! I need new experiences!". So in the end, he didn't join any of the clubs.

What exactly is he trying to do?

Thanks to this kind of stuff, gossip about the "bizarre first year guy" spread throughout the school almost instantly. Within a month, there wasn't a single person in our school who didn't know who Suzumiya Haruki was. By May, people might still not have known the name of our principal, but Suzumiya Haruki had practically become a household name.

So, with all this kinda stuff going on— and Haruki always at the root of it all— May arrived.

-

When it comes to fate, I'm more inclined to believe in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. So much for the sensibility of a high school girl. You see, unlike some girls I know, I don't think that there's a red string of fate tying me to my one true love, nor do I like reading my fortunes in magazines. I mean, how can 1/12 of the population experience the same things on the same day? That's beyond bizarre. Nevertheless, if destiny is actively influencing human lives, my metaphorical wheel of fate had probably begun to turn. Maybe in some far off land, there’s three magical crones busily re-weaving my future?

…No, that’s just stupid.

After the end of the vacation for Golden Week, I trudged off to school, not sure what day of the week it was. The unnaturally bright, sunny weather blasted my skin and made me drip with sweat— I had already had a shower this morning and already I wanted another one. This stupid hill the size of Kilimanjaro just makes it worse; it never seemed to end. What on earth does the Earth want from me? Was it suffering from some sort of obscure medical ailment? Is the worsening condition of my skin the cure for this disease? And haven't we stopped sacrificing young girls in the name of natural forces a long time ago?

"Hi, Kyon!"

Somebody hugged me from behind. It was Taniguchi. Her uniform was untidy and looked like it hadn’t been ironed or washed in a while, and she didn't even bother to tie her collar ribbon.

"Where did you go for Golden Week?" she asked casually.

"My parents took me and my little brother to see my grandpa in the countryside."

"That’s boring!"

"Fine, then what did you do?" I retorted.

"I got a part-time job."

Probably at a brothel somewhere.

"Really? Working doesn’t seem to suit you at all."

"Kyon, you’re in senior high now— why do you gotta go with your little brother to see your grandpa and grandma? You should be hanging out with your girlfriends or something."

Kyon, by the way, is my nickname. My uncle was the first person to call me that. A few years back, my long-time-no-see-good-for-nothing uncle suddenly said to me "Wow, look at you, Kyon-chan! You’re all grown up!" Could he have thought of anything more embarrassing? My little brother thought it was funny and also started to call me Kyon. After that, the rest is history— my friends, upon hearing my brother calling me Kyon, decided to follow his lead. From that day on, my name, to everyone, became Kyon. Damn it, my brother used to call me "Onee-chan"!

"It’s a tradition of ours to have a family reunion during Golden Week," was my indifferent response as I scaled Mt. Aconcagua. The sweat dripping from my hair was extremely unpleasant. At least my lack of cleavage allowed my chest to cool properly... what am I saying? I really need that shower...

Taniguchi, full of hot air as always, boasted about how there were so many cute guys at her workplace, and how she planned to use the money she made to buy a new miniskirt for the summer. To me, stuff like that, along with telling people about your dreams or how amazing or cute some pet is, are the dullest possible topics in the world.

So as I wondered if this was how Haruki felt when people talked to him about football, we arrived at the school gate.

Suzumiya Haruki was already sitting behind my seat staring at the ceiling when I entered the classroom. Two spikes protruded from each side of his head. I guess that means today is Wednesday. After I sat down— for some incredibly stupid, unknown reason (the only explanation being that I had completely lost it... I blame the heat), before I could catch myself— I found myself once again talking to Suzumiya Haruki.

"The hair spikes, are they some sort of way to contact the aliens?"

Slowly, mechanically, Suzumiya Haruki lowered his head downward, and stared at me with deep, piercing eyes, his face set. That’s a seriously scary expression.

"When was it that you noticed?"

His tone was so icy cold that it was like icicles being crushed by sharp rocks.
I paused a while, trying to think of my answer under that glare.

"F-for a while, I think."

"Truth be told?"

Haruki tipped his chair back and put his hands behind his head, looking both annoyed and bored.

"Each day of the week gives off a different image."

I think this is the first time we’ve had an actual conversation!

"Monday is yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday is gold, Saturday is brown, and Sunday is white."

I sort of understand what he’s trying to get at here.

"So that means, if we use numbers to represent each color, Monday would be zero and Sunday six, right?"

"Yes."

"Shouldn’t Monday be one, though?"

"Why does your opinion matter?"

"…Um, yeah. Right."

Haruki glared at me. I guess he wasn’t exactly pleased with my answer. As for me, I just sat there, uncomfortable under his stare, and let time slip by.

"Have we ever met before? Long ago?"

"No, I don’t think so…"

After I my answer, Okabe-sensei lightly entered the classroom, and our first real conversation ended.

Our first conversation! Though it really wasn’t anything special, this might just have been the turning point I’ve been looking for.

Of course, the only chance I could talk to Haruki was the short bit of time before home room session, as he’s never in the classroom during breaks. But, since I sit in front of him, I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of talking to him than anybody else.

What shocked me the most is that Haruki actually answered my question. I just thought that he’d go all like, “Silence! You’re a waste of time!” Maybe this make me as weird as he is, talking to him like that?

So when I came to school the next day and discovered that, instead of having three gelled spikes on his head, Haruki’s hair was held back by a yellow hairband, I felt quite depressed.

What the…? Even though he looks better without the weird spikes, he changed his hairstyle right after I talked to him about it! Does he think I'm an undercover alien and I'm onto his plans or something?

However, when I asked him why, he said:

"There is no reason whatsoever."

He answered with that trademark annoyed tone, but he didn’t look angry or anything. I guess he just wasn’t going to tell me his reasons.

That’s what I expected, though. So it’s all right.

"Is it true that you really tried to join all the clubs?"

From then on, I fell into the routine of talking to Haruki in the few minutes before homeroom. Obviously, if I didn't try to start a conversation, Haruki would just sit in his chair and stare at the ceiling. Also, were I to try to talk to him about how last night's TV show was, or how the weather is, etc.— boring topics— he’d just ignore me. With that in mind, I chose the topic of conversation carefully. I always tried to keep it about him.

"So did you find any fun clubs? If there is, I think I’d consider joining it myself."

"None." Haruki answered, flatly. "None exist."

He emphasizes this, and then slowly lets out a breath. A sigh?

"My assumption was that high school wouldn’t be waste of time. Ultimately, it's just the same as mandatory education. Nothing here ever changes. Nothing here is interesting. I joined the wrong school."

Exactly what criteria did you have in mind when you decided what school to attend?

"Sports clubs and cultural clubs are exactly the same. They are boring. If there were some unique, exceptional club in this school, then I might consider joining. "

"Who put you in charge of deciding what clubs are interesting or not?"

"Silence! If I like a club, then it's unique; otherwise, it's plain. A waste of time."

"I expected to hear that from you."

"Mmm.”

Annoyed, he looked back up at the ceiling, marking the end of the day's conversation.

On another day:

"I, um, overheard something the other day... It's not something important anyway... Did you really dump all your girlfriends?"

"Who do you think you are to ask this of me?"

He flipped a lock of hair out from in front of his face, and stared at me with those bright, cold eyes. Doesn’t his face have any other expressions besides “Angry” and “Off”?

"Did that one girl tell you? Taniguchi, right? Why is that girl in the same class as me year after year? I do hope she isn’t one of those stalking psycho girls that follow you around for years.”

"Don't think so," I thought.

"I do not know what you heard, but it does not matter. Most of it is true, in any case."

"So you never met a girl you ever wanted to have a serious relationship with?"

"Not one!"

He seems to totally dismiss everything.

"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them! Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner and paid for, with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a 'heart-pounding experience'! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy 'see you tomorrow' and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions.

"Then, without fail, they would confess their deep love and adoration over the phone. Why could they not tell me something that important to my face?!"

I can understand how those girls felt, though. Making such an important― to them, at least― confession to someone with this strong a personality would probably make anyone feel uneasy. They probably lost their nerve just from seeing your expression, Haruki. I really hope I never have to date a guy like that.

"Yeah, you’re right. I’d ask the guy up to the school rooftop or something and tell him there."

"Who said that your feelings matter?"

What? Did I say something wrong again?

"The problem is, are all the women in this world such dim-witted, twittering creatures? I have been agitated by this question since junior high."

Hey, don’t forget who you’re talking to!

"Then, what kind of girl would be ‘interesting’ to you? An alien?"

"I am fine with aliens or similar things as long as they are not normal. Be they male or female."

"Why is it so important that they not be human?"

When that burst out of me Haruki looked at me like I was a fly he wanted to squish.

"Because ordinary humans are not any fun at all!"
"...Maybe… you’re right."

I have to agree with Haruki on this one; if it turns out that some cute transfer student is half earthling and half alien, that’d be pretty cool. If Taniguchi, currently sitting next to me and stealing quick glances at Haruki and me, was secretly a magical girl who fought evil in the shadows alongside a talking lizard, it’d be even cooler. If Asakura Ryou, who for some reason keeps smiling at me, was a super-powered prince from a long-forgotten kingdom, then my school life would be as exciting as it could get.

But there’s no way that could happen— no aliens, time travelers, handsome princes, or magical powers exist in this world.

Even if they did exist, they wouldn’t just appear right in front of average people like me and go "Hello, I'm actually an alien!"

"THAT IS WHY!"

Haruki suddenly stood up and knocked his chair backwards, causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING SO HARD!!"

"Sorry I’m late!"

The always-optimistic Okabe-sensei, who looks out of breath, rushed into the classroom. When she saw the whole class looking at Haruki standing, his fists clenched, eyes closed, she became just as surprised and just stood there.

"Er... Homeroom is about… to start…"

Haruki sat down immediately and glared at the corner of his desk. Thank god…

I turned around, the whole class followed suit and turned their heads as well. Then Okabe-sensei, obviously disoriented by the commotion, wobbled to the front of the room and let out a soft cough.

"I, um, apologize for being late. Eh... Then let's begin!"

She repeats again, and the class atmosphere finally reverts back to normal— though this is the sort of atmosphere that Haruki hates the most.

Maybe that’s just the way life is?

To be honest, however, inside my heart I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's attitude towards life.

He still has the hopes that I abandoned long ago, the vain hope that he’d meet someone magically special, and he enthusiastically tries to achieve his dream. ‘If sitting around waiting is not going to achieve anything, let's call them ourselves’! That’s why Haruki does strange things like drawing white lines on the school field, painting symbols on the school roof, and pasting cursed paper talismans everywhere.

Sigh…

I wonder when Haruki started to do weird stuff that made others brand him as an occultist? I guess he was thinking something like ‘Waiting achieves nothing, so why not perform some weird ceremonies to call them out?’ In the end, however, nothing happened. Is that why Haruki always has that "screw-everything-ever" look on his face...?

"Hey, Kyon."

After class, Taniguchi, with an utterly baffled face, tried to corner me.

Taniguchi, you look like a total moron with that expression.

"Shut it! That’s not important right now. What kind of magical spell did you cast?"

"Magical spell? What?"

I once heard that highly advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I remember this as I fire my question back at Taniguchi. She then jabbed her finger at Haruki's empty seat.

"I’ve never seen Suzumiya talk to anybody for that long! What did you find that could possibly interest him?"

That, eh, what did we talk about? I just asked him some normal questions, that's all, though I did try to keep the conversation about him.

"I’m really surprised!"

Taniguchi put on an awed expression full of sarcasm. Kunikida popped out from behind her.

"It’s nothing new, Kyon has always liked weird guys like that."

Hey, wait a minute! Don't say things that'll cause a misunderstanding!

"It doesn't matter if Kyon likes weird guys, that’s not my point. What I can't understand is why Suzumiya would talk to an underdeveloped girl like her! I don't get it at all."

Is no one listening to me? Hey!

"Maybe Kyon is as weird as he is?"

I am not! Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

"Probably. I mean you can't expect someone with a nickname like Kyon to be normal."

Stop calling me Kyon, Kyon, Kyon! Can’t you people use my real name instead of that overly cute nickname? At the very least, I want to hear my brother call me ‘Onee-chan’!

"Actually, I’d like to know the reason as well."

A cheerful, melodious voice came out of nowhere as a hand touched my shoulder. I lifted my head and saw Asakura Ryou's handsome smiling face.

I think my heart just skipped a couple of beats.

"I tried talking to Suzumiya-kun a few times already but nothing came of it. Could you teach me how I should talk to him properly?"

I was too busy trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl so, I didn't even think about his question at all.

"I-I dunno."

Upon hearing this, Asakura smiled.

"I feel relieved. He can't go on being isolated from his classmates like that, so it's great that you've become his friend.”

Asakura Ryou behaves like a class monitor because, well, he is our class monitor. He was elected as the class monitor in our last lengthy home room session.

"F-friend, huh?"

I shook my head uncertainly. Is he really my friend? The only expression Haruki gives me whenever I talk to him is that scowl!

"You need to continue helping Suzumiya-kun so that he can get along with the rest of us. We are the same class, so I’ll be counting on you."

I wanted to say 'Anything for you', but that sounds stupid and I’d never hear the end of it.

…In any case, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

"If there is anything I need to tell Suzumiya-kun, I’ll just ask you to pass on my message."

No, wait! Wait just a minute! I don’t want to be his personal secretary!

"Please?" he asked, putting his palms together and bowing slightly.

Faced with a request in that manner, the only thing I could do was give vague, uncomfortable responses like "erm" and "ahh...". Asakura took that as a yes and rewarded me with his charming, sunlight-like smile, and then went back to his desk. After noticing that a lot of the girls in the class were staring at me with angry eyes, my heart fell to the bottom of a canyon.

Apparently, somebody decided that the students should change seats every month. Therefore, Asakura-san wrote all the seat numbers onto little pieces of paper, placed them in a cookie tin, and let each of us draw from it. This could be my chance to get away from Haruki forever!

In the end, I got the seat in the second to last row next to the window that overlooks the courtyard. Guess who took the last seat right behind me? That's right. It's the ever-scowling Haruki.

Just my luck…

"Why will something interesting not happen here?!”

He’s complaining again.

“Like little grade school kids disappearing one by one, and their bodies being found in the river, or maybe some teachers getting murdered inside a locked classroom! Something like that!"

"Stop saying that kind of scary stuff."

"I joined the Mystery Study Group."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Nothing interesting! Furthermore, all the club members are detective novel fans but there isn't anyone there that resembles a detective!"

"Isn't that normal?"

"I actually had some hope for the Supernatural Study Group."

"Really?"

"However, they all turned out to be a bunch of occult maniacs.”

Sounds like you’d fit right in.

“Does that sound fun to you?!"

"Not really."

"Everything is too boring! Why does this school not have any decently interesting clubs?"

"Well, I guess there's not much you can do about that."

"I thought after I graduated to senior high I would encounter some ‘kick-ass’ clubs! But this, this is like trying to get into the Major League but then discovering that the school you're attending doesn't even have a baseball team!"

Haruki looked as if he were some sort of spectre ready to go to a hundred Buddhist monasteries to lay some curses. He stared out at the sky with utter disdain and let out a huge sigh.

Should I feel sorry for him?

I don't know what sort of clubs Haruki likes. Maybe even he doesn't know the answer. He just wants to "do something interesting." What, then, is "something interesting?” to him? Does that involve solving a murder mystery? Searching for UFOs? Or maybe even exorcism? I don’t think he has any idea either. He just wants something different in his life.

I know how that feels.

"I think it can't be helped if there aren't any."

Maybe I should try to enlighten him with what I’ve learned.

"Judging from our history, humans are usually satisfied with the way things are at the time. However, those who aren’t will try to invent or discover something to advance their civilization. Someone wanted to fly so they invented airplanes. Someone wanted to travel easily so cars and trains were made. Those things, however, were created by people who possessed special talents. Only a genius can convert their imaginings into reality. We ordinary people should just live out our ordinary lives in an ordinary fashion. It’s not our job to act on impulse just because we feel bored."

"Silence!"

Haruki just cut off what I thought was a really great speech, and turned his head away from me. Looks like he's in a really bad mood right now. But then again, when isn't he? ...Looks like I’m used to it already. I think the term to describe this is "learned behavior".

Haruki probably doesn't care about anything— unless it involves supernatural powers far surpassing reality. The world doesn't have those, however. No, really. I should know, I’ve been looking for years. The only thing that came close were my grandmother's tea leaves, and even then you had to squint and make VERY loose connections.

However, I must give thanks to the laws of physics! Thanks to you, we humans can live in peace. Though I doubt Haruki would give you his gratitude.

I’m normal, right?

Something must have triggered it.

Maybe it's the above conversation?

Because, unfortunately for me, I never saw it coming!

It was warm and sunny outside, so everyone in the class was getting sleepy. Just as I was nodding my head and going to sleep, a powerful force suddenly grabbed my ponytail and pulled backwards. The pain woke me up, and I instinctively grabbed my ponytail and held on tight. Awkwardly, I turned my head around, all the while trying to pull my hair back. It hurt so bad that my eyes started to tear up.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing!?" Are you in elementary school or something? Let go already!

From the edge of my field of vision, I saw Haruki, one hand grabbing my hair, smiling a big smile that was as bright as the desert sun — this is the first time I've seen him smile. If smiles can be measured in terms of temperature, then his smile was as hot as the Sahara desert. It’s overwhelming… he needs to smile more often.

"I got it!"

Hey, don't spit all over me! And let go!

"Why didn't I think of this before?"

Haruki's eyes shone as brightly as the stars.

He stared at me pointedly. More worried about my hair than where this was leading to, I asked:

"What is that you finally thought of?"

"If it doesn't exist, I can just create one myself!"

"Create what?"

"A club!"

My head suddenly hurt and I don't think it had anything to do with my scalp being nearly peeled off.

"Really? Wow, that’s a really excellent idea. Can you let go of my hair now?"

Haruki let go of my ponytail but not his excitement.

"What's with that attitude? You should be happier about something like this!"

"Look, we can talk about your wonderful idea later. Right now, I just want you to think about where we are, and then you can share your incredible joy with me. But just calm down first, okay?"

"Why? What d'you mean?"

"Class is still on."

Haruki finally let go of my ponytail. I rubbed the back of my aching head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked completely awestruck. The freshly graduated newbie English teacher, with his chalk in his hand, stared at me and looked as if he was ready to cry.

I signaled Haruki to sit down quickly and bowed politely towards the poor teacher.

Please continue with the lesson.

I heard Haruki grumble about something and sat down unwillingly. The teacher then resumed his writing on the board...

Create a new club?

Hmmmm...

Don't tell me I'm already a member?

My poor, aching head just serves to increase my feeling of unease.

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Talk:Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan

2008-03-31T19:13:29Z

Kaisos: Shouldn't this be...

== Shouldn't this be... ==

Suzumiya ''Haruhi'' no Seitenkan? Because this title would imply that ''Haruki'' has been genderbent... which would just be the original series.

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan

2008-03-31T19:09:19Z

Kaisos:

== Introduction ==
This is a parody of the popular novel "''Suzumiya Haruhi''" series, by [[Tanigawa Nagaru]].

Like a warped parallel universe, all your familiar characters from your favourite novel series have returned but with one twist, all their genders have been reversed.

Experience all the joy of the series but from a new perspective!

== Story Synopsis ==

Not your average Japanese High School Story! Kyon is a first year student at North High. Sitting behind her is an intelligent, energetic and very bored Suzumiya Haruki who introduces himself as having no interest in "normal humans" and that any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or espers should come forward and join him. Why is he so particular about non-humans? "Because humans are no fun at all!" Kyon is soon wrapped up in this unusual boys attempts to make life more interesting, and quickly discovers the world is a lot more amazing than Haruki could ever be allowed to know.
== Translation ==

=== Format Standards ===
'''Every Chapter (after editing) must conform to the agreed points highlighted in the below guidelines'''
*[[Format_guideline|General Format/Style Guideline]]
*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Guideline|Project Specific translation and format conventions]]

== Project Staff ==

*Project Administrator: [[user:Onizuka-gto|Onizuka-gto]]
*Project Supervisor: [[user:DJ_RockmanX|DJ_RockmanX]], [[user:Kaisos|Kaisos]]

=== [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Registration_Page|Registration]] ===

*Authors must be registered to the [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/forums/memberlist.php?mode=group&g=1291 Seitenkan Cult] on the Baka-Tsuki Forum before they are allowed to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Registration_Page|register]] which chapters they're working on.

This is to prevent conflict over the variants of the script, unregistered Author contribution will not be protected from disputes with registered Authors.

=== Authors ===

'''ACTIVE'''
::*[[user:Kaisos|Kaisos]]
'''A.W.O.L'''
::*''None''
'''R&R'''
::*''None''
'''M.I.A'''
::*''None''
'''K.I.A'''
::*''None''

=== Editors ===

This is the Project Editorial Team.

'''ACTIVE'''
::*[[user:Lumbargo|Jintor]]
::*[[user:Beanbrew|Beanbrew]]
'''A.W.O.L'''
::*''None''
'''R&R'''
::*''None''
'''M.I.A'''
::*''None''
'''K.I.A'''
::*''None''

There is a [[Suzumiya_Haruhi:Timeline|story timeline]] available which organizes the stories in the novels in chronological order, should you want to read everything ordered by date. =)

== Updates ==
*March 12, 2008
:*Created project page

== The ''Suzumiya Haruki'' series, originally by [[Tanigawa Nagaru]] ==

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Full Text|Volume 1 - ''The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第一巻: 涼宮ハルキの憂鬱]]===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Prologue|Prologue]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter6|Chapter 6]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter7|Chapter 7]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Epilogue|Epilogue]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Full Text|Volume 2 - ''The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第二巻: 涼宮ハルキの溜息]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Prologue|Prologue]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume2_Epilogue|Epilogue]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_Full Text|Volume 3 - ''The Boredom of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第三巻: 涼宮ハルキの退屈]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_Prologue|Prologue]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_The Boredom of Suzumiya Haruhi|The Boredom of Suzumiya Haruki]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_Bamboo_Leaf_Rhapsody|Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_Mystérique Sign|Mystérique Sign]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume3_Lone Island Syndrome|Lone Island Syndrome]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4 Full Text|Volume 4 - ''The Disappearance of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第四巻: 涼宮ハルキの消失]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Prologue|Prologue]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Chapter5|Chapter 5]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Chapter6|Chapter 6]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume4_Epilogue|Epilogue]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Full Text|Volume 5 - ''The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第五巻: 涼宮ハルキの暴走]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Prologue - Summer|Prologue - Summer]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Endless Eight|Endless Eight]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Prologue - Autumn|Prologue - Autumn]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 The Day of Sagittarius|The Day of Sagittarius]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Prologue - Winter|Prologue - Winter]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Snow Mountain Syndrome|Snow Mountain Syndrome]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume5 Author's Notes|Author's Notes]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6 Full Text|Volume 6 - ''The Wavering of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第六巻: 涼宮ハルキの動揺]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6 Live A Live|Live A Live]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6 Asahina Mikuro's Adventure Episode 00|Asahina Mikuro's Adventure Episode 00]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6_Charmed at First Sight LOVER|Charmed at First Sight LOVER]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6 Where did the Cat Go?|Where did the Cat Go?]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume6_The_Melancholy_of_Asahina_Mikuro|The Melancholy of Asahina Mikuro]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7 Full Text|Volume 7 - ''The Intrigues of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第七巻: 涼宮ハルキの陰謀]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Prologue|Prologue]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 1|Chapter 1]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 2|Chapter 2]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 3|Chapter 3]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 4|Chapter 4]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 5|Chapter 5]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 6|Chapter 6]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Chapter 7|Chapter 7]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume7_Epilogue|Epilogue]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume8 Full Text|Volume 8 - ''The Indignation of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第八巻: 涼宮ハルキの憤慨]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume8 Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume8 Editor in Chief★Straight Ahead!|Editor in Chief★Straight Ahead!]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume8 Wandering Shadow|Wandering Shadow]]

===[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume9 Full Text|Volume 9 - ''The Dissociation of Suzumiya Haruki'' / 第九巻: 涼宮ハルキの分裂]] ===
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume9_Illustrations|Color Illustrations]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume9_Prologue|Prologue]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume9_Chapter_1|Chapter 1]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume9_Chapter_2|Chapter 2]]
::*[[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume9_Chapter_3|Chapter 3]]

=== Haruki Theater / ハルキ劇場 ===
::*[[Haruki_Theater_act.1|''Haruki Theater act.1'' / ハルキ劇場 act.1]]
::*[[Haruki_Theater_act.2|''Haruki Theater act.2'' / ハルキ劇場 act.2]]

[[Category:Hosted_Projects]]

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-03-30T20:56:14Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

JJust before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-03-30T10:07:22Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

[WORK STARTS HERE IN THE MORNING!]

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And so, my arduous website design began on the second day.

Even having said that, it was much easier than I thought it’d be. Because the Computer Club girls already had installed all the software on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program’s instructions, do some copy and pasting, and that was it.

The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked.

Nagato seemed to come here even during lunch break.

"Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I fell back into deep thought.

I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

After making some website links and writing the email address— it's a bit early to set up a forum— I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.

That should satisfy him! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch, I was startled to find Nagato standing right behind me.

Weird! How come I didn't hear his footsteps? I didn't know when Nagato arrived behind me. His face was as white as a mask. He stared at me with his poker face as though I was some eye test chart.

"Take this."

He handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy!

Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn't even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

At that moment, the bell rang signalling the end of lunch break. It seems like there aren't a lot of people who respect my opinion.

After I carried the hardback book back to the classroom and sat down, I felt someone tugging at my ponytail.

"So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a rigid face. I noticed that his notebook was full of scribbles here and there. As I replied, I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates.

"Yeah, it's done, but it's a simple, crappy little website."

"Good enough! All it needs is an email address!"

Why can't you register your own free email address!?

"That won't do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?"

I don't get it How a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly?

"That’s top secret!"

He gave a sinister grin after he said this. Part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

[Editor’s note: I did that on purpose.]

Please, I’d rather never find out what it is!

In sixth period, Haruki was nowhere to be seen in class. He couldn't have gone home, could he? No, that’d be too easy for me. It's probably just another bad omen.

Very soon, it was the end of class, and I started automatically walking towards the clubroom. Though my footsteps never stopped, I did wonder why I was going there. Finally, I arrived.

"Hi there!"

As expected, there sat Nagato Yuuki and Asahina-senpai.

I know I'm not one to criticize, but these two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Seeing me enter, Asahina-senpai greeted me with a relieved expression. I guess having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting, huh?

Hey, wait a minute! You suffered through Haruki's evil clutches yesterday, and you're still coming today?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?"

"God knows. [Editor’s note: In the original. Lawls.] He hasn't been in the class since sixth period. He probably went off to steal equipment from somewhere again."

“Will, um, will I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again...?"

Seeing how depressed poor Asahina-senpai looked, I said gently:

"Don't worry! If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! I may not be as strong as he is, but I’m sure I can get him to listen to me!"

"Thank you."

He gave me a cute little bow as he said this.

I really felt like giving him a big hug. I didn’t, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"Then I'm counting on you."

"It’s no problem at all!"

Even though I repeatedly assured him, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. I am -such- an idiot!

"Hey, everybody!"

Haruki greeted us energetically as he entered the room, carrying with him two paper bags. Oh wait, is that the present he promised me?

"Sorry guys, I got delayed."

Just like you, isn’t it? For someone as obsessive as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I’m putting my foot down, we’re not doing any more stealing or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never be involved in something like that!”

Really now? Then how, exactly, do you explain the computer on the desk!?

"Tribute from my vassals! Anyway, moving on, take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's why you skipped class, huh? Consider yourself lucky that the teachers didn’t catch you. Though I bet they’re wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier…
I wasn't the least bit interested in what was written on the fliers, but since I've already taken one, I guess I’ll read it.

<div style="font-family: impact; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
The SOS Brigade founding principle:

We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be an abnormal paranormal event for us to even be interested. Our email address is...
</div>

I'm starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. Though, considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe all this just his convoluted way of finding himself a bride?

I’m confused now.

"Right then, it’s time to hand out the fliers."

"Where do we do that?"

"At the school gate. At this time of day, there are still a lot of students who haven't gone home yet."

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Captain Haruki. Just as I'm about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, he stopped me.

"You don't have to go, just Mitsuuru-kun and myself will do."

"Sorry?"

Asahina-senpai, who was carrying a flier in his small hands, turned his head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruki fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. Oh, no way! As Haruki finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension, I understood why he wanted Asahina-senpai to hand out fliers with him. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

Chippendales!?

…I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad in my entire life that I’m not the one getting a present.

"W... What are those for?" Asahina-senpai asked timidly.

"You should know. To dress up as a male stripper!" Haruki said unblushingly.

"Y-You can’t possibly expect me to wear that in public d-do you?"

"Of course! I even bought one for you!"

"I... I'm not wearing that!"

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements by heart!"

"W-when did you…! Never mind… y... you wouldn't want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man!"

"I don't wanna wear the stripper outfit!"

"Bah! Shut up and put it on!”

That’s it. Haruki leapt onto Asahina-senpai, like a tiger preying upon a helpless samba deer, and began ripping of his uniform.

"NOOO..."

"Now be a big boy and don't move!" Haruki said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-senpai's blazer and moving onto Asahina-senpai's pants. Just as I was about to stop Haruki's insanity, my eyes met Asahina-senpai's.

"D... DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door... and damn it! The door's locked! It took a couple minutes before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.

Before I left, I took one quick look backwards — I saw Nagato reading his book as if nothing had happened. Doesn't he have anything to say about this!? This is wrong!

I leaned back on the door, hearing poor Asahina-senpai's screams from behind it.

"Kyaa~~!!" "Nooo!" "A... at least let me take it off myself... Sob~~!"

These are mixed in with Haruki's yells of victory.

"That's great!" "Take that off! Quickly!" "You should have done what I said!"

I really, really don’t want to think about what’s going on inside that room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Come back in and check us out!”

As I sighed, entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers.

Aggh… their pants are so tight as to show every part of their lower body off in [I]great[/I] detail…

Haruki, predictable fits the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... his personality doesn’t go well with the costume at all.

Just as I was wondering whether to try to comfort his crying face and say, "The costume suits you," Haruki said:

"Well, what do you think?"

Is your skull badly damaged!? What do you think I think!?

"This is going to grab everyone's attention.” said Haruhi. “At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers! Especially if I do this!"

At that, Haruhi began slowly unbuttoning his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side.

Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

“S-stop it!”

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d destroy the whole point of wearing something like this!"

"If you do such strange things like that out in the open, people are going to look at you funny... Wait a minute, how come Nagato-kun doesn't need to wear this?"

"I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they were very expensive."

"Where'd you buy this stuff anyway?"

"Internet."

[Editor’s note: Lol Fairly Oddparents.]

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers.

"Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun."

Asahina-senpai hugged himself tightly and looked at me pleadingly.

I'm so sorry, Asahina-senpai. I just couldn't dredge up any resistance. Besides, Haruki’s stripping nearly killed me.

Asahina-senpai tried to grab the table and resist, sobbing like a kid, but he was no match for Haruki’s strength. He was dragged away by Haruki, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. Just as I sat down dejectedly, feeling really guilty...

"That."

Nagato Yuuki pointed on the ground. I looked and saw two male uniforms lying there... Erm, are those heart-patterned boxers I just saw?

The thin, spectacled boy pointed at the cabinet at the other side of the room and then went back to reading his book.

Can't you pick up the clothes yourself!?

I sighed and went to pick up their clothes, placing them in the cabinet. Aggh, you could feel their body heat on the clothes! They're still warm! Ew!

Half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked like he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurriedly gave him a chair, and like last time, he simply sat down and drooped towards the table, his shoulders shivering. Looks like he doesn't even have the strength to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, so I took off my cardigan and draped it across his little shoulders. The presence of a sobbing Chippendale dancer and a bookworm who didn't care about what was going on, along with me who was utterly at a loss with what to do, had brought the atmosphere of the room to an all-time low. The screams of the Baseball Club could be heard in the distance.

As I was about to think of what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned.

The first thing he did was grind his teeth angrily:

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in my way!"

Not sure why he was so angry, I coolly asked:

"There a problem?"

"I hadn't even handed out half the fliers and in comes a stupid teacher asking us to stop handing them out! What the hell is wrong with her?"

Idiot! If the teachers ignored something like students dressing up as Chippendales and handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that'd be abnormal!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, I got taken to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

[Editor’s note: Yes, I mistakenly kept the principal as male in my version of Chapter One. I’ll fix that.]

"Gah, this makes me ANGRY! That's it! You’re all dismissed!"

Haruki slowly took off his cuffs and then proceeded to strip of his shirt. I immediately ran out of the room at top speed.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned on the corridor wall and waited for them to change. In any case, it doesn’t look like he was doing that to attract women; just that he was trying to attract attention in general. Does he even know how an outfit like that would affect people?

It looks like, at this rate, there's no way he can experience a normal romantic relationship.

I wish he could be more considerate of how girls think. At least be considerate for me! Honestly, to hang out with such a crazy person is really exhausting. Besides, I had to wish for that for Asahina-senpai's sake . Right... Nagato, at least let us know what your opinion is!

A while later, Asahina-senpai emerged from the room, giving a sad expression of someone who had just failed his exams. He needed to support himself on the wall to stop from falling down. I didn’t know what I could possibly say to him, so I just stood there in silence.

"Kyon-nee-san..."

His voice sounds as insubstantial as one of those ghosts from the haunted sunken cruise ships.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... Why didn’t you?"

I really don’t have anything to say… and, why are you calling me Kyon as well!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a robotic way, turned, and walked away.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

The next day, Asahina-senpai took the day off.

Haruki was already famous enough in school, but after the stripper incident, his name and weirdness had become the stuff of school legend. Not that I really mind, since Haruki’s actions are NOT MY FAULT. Not at all!

What I do mind though, is that Suzumiya Haruki's actions have caused everyone to start gossiping about poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai as well. That, and the odd glares I received from everyone at school.

"Hey, Kyon... seems like you're having a fun time with Suzumiya..."

Taniguchi said to me in a sarcastic tone after school. "I never thought you’d get that close to him... I guess nothing is really impossible, huh?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so suprised! Seeing some kind of male strippers while I was heading home, I thought I was dreaming!"

[Editor’s note: That line becomes much funnier genderbended.]

Kunikida joined in the conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

[Editor’s note again: I can imagine Kunikida taking a flier from Haruki while drooling copiously.]

"What’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it about?"

Go ask Haruki that question. I don't know, nor do I want to. Even if I did, I don't feel like telling you!

"It asks us to provide any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling normal paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"You guys seem to be doing some interesting stuff. But if it's something that's as overboard as that, I’d suggest you to stop at once. You guys went too far yesterday."

If I had known, I would have joined Asahina-senpai in taking the day off…

Haruki is still mad. On one hand, he's mad that the teachers stopped him from handing out the fliers; on the other hand, he's mad that the SOS Brigade email inbox is completely empty. I expected one or two prank mails in the inbox, but it turns out people were more rational than I thought. I guess, after the display yesterday, no one wants to get involved with what appears to be a strip club?

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"There wasn't any yesterday or today. Maybe it’s just that our club looks too shady for everyone to share their paranormal experiences with us?"

I tried to explain. I don’t think I was very convincing.

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please!

Something like would never happen, OK? YOU listen up, Haruki! Those sorts of things would only occur in a cheap light novel series! Real life is very cruel. Things like a conspiracy to destroy the world from a normal prefecture high school, evil demons from another plan of existence, or a spaceship hidden inside a mountain, all these things are impossible. Impossible! You hear me? You understand now, don't you? All your crazy behaviour is a result of you not being able to find a way to release your unhappy emotions, isn't that right? But now it's time for you to wake up! You should settle down and find a girlfriend who would walk with you to school every day and who you could take to the movies on Sundays, or maybe you should join some sports clubs to release all that excess energy. With your abilities, you'd get into the first team you picked in no time, becoming an full-time member.

...I had wanted to say a lot more, but I had only thought up the first five lines when Haruki’s fists started waving at me, so I'd better stop here.

"Mitsuuru-kun took the day off today?"

"Maybe he's not ever coming back. I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Damn, a pity! And I had prepared a new costume for him today too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did get one for you, though."

Haruki grinned.

“You know, the present I promised you?”

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Dammit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

Haruki’s ‘mysterious transfer student’ had finally arrived.

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's really here! I'm so happy!"

Haruki leaned forward towards me, speaking elatedly. His intense smile was like a kindergarten kid finally getting the toy he’d wanted.

[Editor’s note: Best. Most Truthful. Analogy. Ever.]

I don't know where he got it from, but the transfer student is apparently going to be in Class 1-9.

"Chance! It’s too bad they’re not in our class, but they’re definitely a mysterious transfer student, no mistake about that!”

You haven't even met him or her, so how do you even know if they're a mysterious transfer student?

"Eh? I already told you. A high percentage of those that get transferred in the middle of the school term are abnormal."

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75% percent of statistics on the Internet made up on the spot?

[Editor’s note: I love this joke, so I had to use it. Looks like Kyon-chan kinda missed it, though.]

Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then there'd be loads of mysterious transfer students all over Japan.

Haruki’s way of thinking, though, cannot be confined by logic. After the first session bell rang, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom. He probably went to visit Mysterious Transfer Student in Class 1-9.

Just before the bell rang to signal the beginning of class, he returned with a puzzled face.

"So are they a mysterious transfer student...?"

"Mm, doesn't feel like one."

I wouldn’t have expected anything else.

"We talked, but I still don't have enough information. They could just be pretending to be a normal person, that’s a certainty. It’s not like they’d expose themselves on the first day anyway. I'll go ask again at the next break."

Oh, please don't go ask again! I can imagine the Class 1-9 students, who had nothing to do with Haruki, being scared to death by his sudden appearance while he grabbed one of the students to ask, "Where's the mysterious transfer student?", before he rushed in. That, or he’d barge in when the student was having a conversation with his (or her) friends and interrogate the startled transfer student with questions like "Where are you from? Who are you really? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

At this moment, I thought of something else.

"Is the transfer student a guy or a girl?"

"Mm, though she could be cleverly disguising herself, she appears to be female."

Then I’m pretty sure she’s a girl!

Then it seems like the SOS Brigade has a chance of recruiting another female member besides me. Haruki might just carry that transfer student in the door without hearing her opinion simply because she's new. Although, it might save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something just as horrifying.

No matter how strong-willed Haruki is, someone with just as strong a will would just ignore him. Of course, they’d also have to be strong enough to avoid being carried off…

As long as we have the numbers, the "Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade" would be formed as an association. It doesn’t matter if the school recognizes it or not; the person that will have to do all the menial secretarial tasks is... me! For the next three years, I’ll carry the title of "Subordinate of Suzumiya Haruki" and live my days in despair!

[Editor’s note: Kyon-chan is in despair! Being Haruki’s subordinate has left her in despair!]

I still hadn't thought of what I want to do when I graduate, but if I wanted to go to a university, I’d have to behave myself.

But as long as I'm at Haruki’s side, it seems that this wish could never become true.

What should I do?

I couldn't think of anything.

I know that I should have just confronted Haruki, had him dismiss the SOS Brigade, and then tried my best to persuade him to live a normal high school life. Perhaps I could have gotten him to stop thinking about aliens and time travelers, settle down and find a girlfriend, or join some sports club, and be content with these three years of high school.

…It would have been really great if I had done that!

If I'd had stronger willpower, I wouldn't have gotten sucked so helplessly into the black hole centred around Suzumiya Haruki. I would have just lived out these three years of high school and graduated in a normal fashion.

... Oh how I wish! I wish it could have been like that! If wishes were fishes!

The reason I'm saying all this is because of all the strange events that happened to me afterward; everyone understands how I’m thinking, right?
Where to begin…?

Right, let's start from when the mysterious transfer student first arrived in our clubroom.

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-03-30T09:24:55Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------
The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

[RE-START EDITS HERE]

After saying "Meet here every day after school, or else!” Haruki called it a day.

Asahina-senpai's shoulders drooped, his lifeless figure walking along the corridor further giving off an impression of sadness.

There’s no way I could put up with seeing something like that, so I called out to him.

"Senpai."

"Yes?"

He looked at me with his innocent face, which didn't even look older than mine.

"Look, you don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me:

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But this might end up being dangerous for you!”

"That doesn’t matter. Haven’t you joined too?"

No! Whether I joined or not is not the issue here!

"I guess this is the absolute outcome on this Temporal Plane..."

He said with his round eyes staring far off in the distance.

"Um, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Besides, I'm interested in Nagato-san's presence..."

"Interested?"

"E-eh? No, nothing."

Asahina-senpai shook his head in trepidation.

Then Asahina-senpai smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.
"I may be of trouble, so please bear with me from now on."

“You really don't have to do that..."

"And please, call me Mitsuuru from now on."

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki the next day.

"You know what my Brigade needs next?"

"…What?”

"A mysterious transfer student!"

I sighed.

"What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, mysterious transfer students."

"Or maybe it's just because their parents got a job transfer and they were forced to come along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, mysterious transfer students… when will they appear?”

"Why don’t you ever listen to me?!”

Rumours had started to flow in the school that Haruki and I were plotting something.

"Just what exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seems upset.

"You’re not (gasp) DATING him, are you?"

No way! And if there’s anyone who’d like to know just what we’re doing, it’s me!

"Just don’t do anything too stupid, okay? You're no longer junior high students, they’ll at least suspend you if you vandalize the sports field!"

If it were just Haruki acting alone, I could simply ignore him. But now that he’s got Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai— I don’t want them getting involved in this madness.

The thing is though, Haruki’s strong enough to carry me off anywhere he wants… there’s no way I can stop him!

"We need a computer!"

Since the SOS Brigade was founded, the Literature Club room started to have more and more stuff besides the rectangular table, steel chairs and bookshelf.

In the corner now stood a portable hanger cabinet, a flask and cups, a teapot, a CD/MD playing radio, a freezer, sound recorder, cooking pan, bowl, all sorts of cooking utensils, and a PS2. Does he plan to live here or something?

At this moment, Haruki is sitting on a desk he managed to nick from who-knows-where. For some reason, a black triangular pyramid with the words "Brigade Commander" stood on the desk.

"It’s a tragedy! This is the Age of Information, and a Brigade as important as mine doesn’t even have a computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members were here today. Nagato Yuuki was in his usual spot, reading a hardback book about a minor satellite of Saturn falling down, or something like that. Asahina-senpai, who didn't have to come, had still obediently arrived and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.

Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Which is why I'm going to obtain one now," Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"What, you mean a computer? Where from? Please don’t tell me you plan on robbing an electronics store…"

"No, no! Why go all that way when there’s one much closer?"

"Follow me!" Asahina-senpai and I complied with Haruki's orders and followed him down the corridor, eventually arriving at the Computer Club two rooms away.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Take this."

Haruki handed me an instant camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I’ll tell you my brilliant plan, and you must follow it no matter what! There’s only one chance and one chance only!"

Haruki bent down and whispered his so-called "plan" in my ear.

"What!? You can't do that! That’s blackmail!"

"Does it matter? Besides, this plan is but a small part of my Master Plan!"

“But… Asahina-senpai…”

“Silence!”

Great. Just great. I turned to a puzzled looking Asahina-senpai, trying to warn him by winking at him.

Run, run, or you’ll be well done!

[Editor’s note: I apologize for the Kefka reference. Jintor, feel free to get rid of it if you want.]

But Asahina-senpai looked surprised at me and started blushing. Hey, exactly what ideas are you getting?

Just as I was about to run away with Asahina-senpai to avoid certain doom, Haruki had knocked on the Computer Club room door.

"What’s up, people?! We’ve decided to come and collect a computer from you!"

The spacing is similar, but compared to our room, this room was narrower. Each of the evenly spaced desks had a desktop computer on it with CD sound effects. The computer fans whirling away were the only sounds heard in the room.

The five girls sitting on their seats typing on their keyboards all stuck their heads out towards the door to see what Haruki was up to.

"So, who’s in charge here!?"

Haruhi smiled pompously.

A short female student stood up and answered.

"I'm the president, can I help you?"

"Do I really have to repeat myself? As I said: give me a computer."

The nameless Computer Study Group president displayed a "What the hell?" expression and violently shook her head.

"No way! Since the school doesn’t give us enough money, we bought these computers ourselves, with hard-earned cash! We’re not just going to give them to you for free! Do you think we’re idiots?"

"What does it matter? We only need one, and you have soooo many!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"That... wait a minute, who are you guys anyway?"

"I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, and these are Subordinate One and Subordinate Two."

Since when are we your subordinates?

"In the name of my SOS Brigade, I demand that you hand over a computer at once! No excuses!”

"Look, I have no clue who you guys are, but no way are you getting a computer from us! You go buy your own"

"Fine then. We have our… (heh) ways."

Haruki's eyes blazed with confidence. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

Haruki walked over to one of the shelves on the wall.

"I've heard about a certain group of girls who are totally into some really nasty, forbidden-in-school stuff. They even produce their own doujinshi manga to sell at Comiket, the major part of it all using a very public school club fund..."

Haruki punched the section of wall beneath the shelf, making a box fall down. Many books fell from it with their pages wide open.

I blushed very hard at all those man-on-man images. This is sick.

“I-I can explain!”

The president began to protest loudly.

“Those are our, um, private, um…”

“Silence.”

Haruki had apparently had enough.

“Here’s how this is going to go down. You’re going to give us a computer, and I won’t tell anyone that you’re making gay porn manga with the school’s money.”

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" One of the members asked.

“No, I came here to extort a computer from you.”

That’s the same thing!

“No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of them! You’ll have no proof! What do you say to that?”

Haruki grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

“Kyon, take a photo of contents of that box, would you?”

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter. Great, now I’m an accomplice in blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the president shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face.

“Okay, then. We’ll trade. We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler… but how do I know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki pushed Asahina-senpai, who was standing awestruck next to her, towards the president, and then he grabbed her and put it in Asahina-senpai’s pants.

"Kyaaaaaa!!"

"Whaaaaa!?"

Click!

At the sound of the two screaming, I clicked the camera shutter again.

Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, preventing him from escaping, and then shoved the president towards him. Asahina-senpai collapsed, the president on top of him.

"Kyon! One more picture!"

Once again, I pressed the shutter. Asahina-senpai, nameless president, you both have my sincerest apologies.

"Wha-what the hell!?"

The president had rolled of Asahina-senpai.

Haruki wiggled his finger at the furiously blushing president.

"If the photos of your gay porn isn’t enough, this should be enough for the administration to disband your club!”

"What kind of joke is this!?"

The president protested furiously once again. I feel really sorry for her.

"You forcefully grabbed my hand! I'm innocent this time!"

This time?

"Really now? Who’s going to believe you? With the rumours and my photographic evidence, there’s no way you’re getting out of this one.”

I turned and looked at Asahina-senpai lying face on the ground paralysed. He must have been in so much shock that all energy had left him.

In the meantime, the president continued to resist.

"My members are all witnesses to my innocence! That wasn’t my fault!"

The four members who were standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our president is innocent!"

Haruki wouldn’t be Haruki if he actually listened to you. It’d be easier just to give up the computer.

The already wide smile on Haruki’s face got even wider.

"Right, then I'll just say you girls gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now? Let me tell you a story. A poor, innocent upperclassman was passing through this hallway, when he happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy and other such sweets, but, lo! When he entered, he was set upon by the cruel women, who proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! Fortunately, I happened along, and managed to get evidence of their crimes before rescuing the helpless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a hero!”

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"S... Suzumiya-san...! T-that’s not what happened…"

Asahina-senpai desperately looped his arms around Haruki's legs, but Haruki simply kicked him off. He then inflated his chest and arrogantly said:

"So, what is it then? Are you giving us a computer? Or having your reputation ruined forever?"

The president's face went from red to white, finally turning dark.

In the end, she surrendered.

"Just pick one and get out!"

Having said that, the president sat down dejectedly. Her members all rushed towards her.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be all right!"

The president's head drooped like a puppet whose strings were broken. Seeing such a broken figure, even if I am Haruki's companion, I couldn't help but shed tears of sadness for her.

"Which one is the latest model?"

Haruki! That’s enough! You’re so cold-blooded!

"Why should we tell you!?"

The angry members continued their meagre resistance, but Haruhi simply pointed at me and the camera I was still holding.

"Goddammit… that one.”

Haruki looked in the direction the president pointed and inspected the model and serial number of the computer. Then, he took out a piece of paper from his blazer pocket.

"I went to the electronics store and asked for a list of the latest models. This isn’t one of them."

How far ahead has he planned everything out? This is getting to be a bit scary.

After inspecting all the other computers, Haruki pointed to one of them.

"Give me this one."

"W... wait! We just bought that last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we were truly thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After plucking all the cables and wires, he moved all the necessary equipment back to the Literature Club room without any consideration. He then had the Computer Club people reinstall the wires for us and had them lay two Internet cables from their room to ours, so we could use the Internet. He even forced them to set up an Intranet for us. He’s not better than a common criminal!

"Senpai."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the Lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, I could only shake the shoulder of a scarred and devastated Asahina-senpai, who was kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing endlessly.

"Let's go back."

"Sob..."

Haruki, you idiot, aren’t you supposed to be making Asahina-senpai more manly!? Not turning him into a nervous wreck!

I comforted poor Asahina-senpai, while mumbling about what on earth Haruki wanted a computer for.

Very soon, I would find out.

And that is to make an SOS Brigade website!

This begs the question: Who should make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"You’ve got a lot of free time, so you do it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more members!"

The computer was placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid.

Haruki added while surfing the net with his mouse:

"Complete it within the next day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai's body lay draped over the desk, his shoulders shivering, next to where Nagato Yuuki is sitting, who, as usual just reads a book, ignoring everything. Since it seems like I'm the only one who heard what Haruki was saying, I had no choice but to comply with him. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki himself thought.

"Look, even if you say that, I can’t design your website."

Haruki sighed.

"What if I get you a nice present then? I promise you'll like it!"

...? Is he being generous for once?

I guess I should go ahead and try to make the web page then, although I haven't ever made one before. Besides, it sounds pretty interesting.

And so, my arduous website design began on the second day.

Even having said that, it was much easier than I thought it’d be. Because the Computer Club girls already had installed all the software on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program’s instructions, do some copy and pasting, and that was it.

The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked.

Nagato seemed to come here even during lunch break.

"Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I fell back into deep thought.

I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

After making some website links and writing the email address— it's a bit early to set up a forum— I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.

That should satisfy him! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch, I was startled to find Nagato standing right behind me.

Weird! How come I didn't hear his footsteps? I didn't know when Nagato arrived behind me. His face was as white as a mask. He stared at me with his poker face as though I was some eye test chart.

"Take this."

He handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy!

Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn't even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

At that moment, the bell rang signalling the end of lunch break. It seems like there aren't a lot of people who respect my opinion.

After I carried the hardback book back to the classroom and sat down, I felt someone tugging at my ponytail.

"So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a rigid face. I noticed that his notebook was full of scribbles here and there. As I replied, I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates.

"Yeah, it's done, but it's a simple, crappy little website."

"Good enough! All it needs is an email address!"

Why can't you register your own free email address!?

"That won't do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?"

I don't get it How a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly?

"That’s top secret!"

He gave a sinister grin after he said this. Part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

[Editor’s note: I did that on purpose.]

Please, I’d rather never find out what it is!

In sixth period, Haruki was nowhere to be seen in class. He couldn't have gone home, could he? No, that’d be too easy for me. It's probably just another bad omen.

Very soon, it was the end of class, and I started automatically walking towards the clubroom. Though my footsteps never stopped, I did wonder why I was going there. Finally, I arrived.

"Hi there!"

As expected, there sat Nagato Yuuki and Asahina-senpai.

I know I'm not one to criticize, but these two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Seeing me enter, Asahina-senpai greeted me with a relieved expression. I guess having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting, huh?

Hey, wait a minute! You suffered through Haruki's evil clutches yesterday, and you're still coming today?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?"

"God knows. [Editor’s note: In the original. Lawls.] He hasn't been in the class since sixth period. He probably went off to steal equipment from somewhere again."

“Will, um, will I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again...?"

Seeing how depressed poor Asahina-senpai looked, I said gently:

"Don't worry! If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! I may not be as strong as he is, but I’m sure I can get him to listen to me!"

"Thank you."

He gave me a cute little bow as he said this.

I really felt like giving him a big hug. I didn’t, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"Then I'm counting on you."

"It’s no problem at all!"

Even though I repeatedly assured him, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. I am -such- an idiot!

"Hey, everybody!"

Haruki greeted us energetically as he entered the room, carrying with him two paper bags. Oh wait, is that the present he promised me?

"Sorry guys, I got delayed."

Just like you, isn’t it? For someone as obsessive as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I’m putting my foot down, we’re not doing any more stealing or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never be involved in something like that!”

Really now? Then how, exactly, do you explain the computer on the desk!?

"Tribute from my vassals! Anyway, moving on, take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's why you skipped class, huh? Consider yourself lucky that the teachers didn’t catch you. Though I bet they’re wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier…
I wasn't the least bit interested in what was written on the fliers, but since I've already taken one, I guess I’ll read it.

<div style="font-family: impact; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
The SOS Brigade founding principle:

We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be an abnormal paranormal event for us to even be interested. Our email address is...
</div>

I'm starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. Though, considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe all this just his convoluted way of finding himself a bride?

I’m confused now.

"Right then, it’s time to hand out the fliers."

"Where do we do that?"

"At the school gate. At this time of day, there are still a lot of students who haven't gone home yet."

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Captain Haruki. Just as I'm about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, he stopped me.

"You don't have to go, just Mitsuuru-kun and myself will do."

"Sorry?"

Asahina-senpai, who was carrying a flier in his small hands, turned his head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruki fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. Oh, no way! As Haruki finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension, I understood why he wanted Asahina-senpai to hand out fliers with him. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

Chippendales!?

…I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad in my entire life that I’m not the one getting a present.

"W... What are those for?" Asahina-senpai asked timidly.

"You should know. To dress up as a male stripper!" Haruki said unblushingly.

"Y-You can’t possibly expect me to wear that in public d-do you?"

"Of course! I even bought one for you!"

"I... I'm not wearing that!"

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements by heart!"

"W-when did you…! Never mind… y... you wouldn't want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man!"

"I don't wanna wear the stripper outfit!"

"Bah! Shut up and put it on!”

That’s it. Haruki leapt onto Asahina-senpai, like a tiger preying upon a helpless samba deer, and began ripping of his uniform.

"NOOO..."

"Now be a big boy and don't move!" Haruki said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-senpai's blazer and moving onto Asahina-senpai's pants. Just as I was about to stop Haruki's insanity, my eyes met Asahina-senpai's.

"D... DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door... and damn it! The door's locked! It took a couple minutes before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.

Before I left, I took one quick look backwards — I saw Nagato reading his book as if nothing had happened. Doesn't he have anything to say about this!? This is wrong!

I leaned back on the door, hearing poor Asahina-senpai's screams from behind it.

"Kyaa~~!!" "Nooo!" "A... at least let me take it off myself... Sob~~!"

These are mixed in with Haruki's yells of victory.

"That's great!" "Take that off! Quickly!" "You should have done what I said!"

I really, really don’t want to think about what’s going on inside that room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Come back in and check us out!”

As I sighed, entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers.

Aggh… their pants are so tight as to show every part of their lower body off in [I]great[/I] detail…

Haruki, predictable fits the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... his personality doesn’t go well with the costume at all.

Just as I was wondering whether to try to comfort his crying face and say, "The costume suits you," Haruki said:

"Well, what do you think?"

Is your skull badly damaged!? What do you think I think!?

"This is going to grab everyone's attention.” said Haruhi. “At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers! Especially if I do this!"

At that, Haruhi began slowly unbuttoning his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side.

Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

“S-stop it!”

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d destroy the whole point of wearing something like this!"

"If you do such strange things like that out in the open, people are going to look at you funny... Wait a minute, how come Nagato-kun doesn't need to wear this?"

"I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they were very expensive."

"Where'd you buy this stuff anyway?"

"Internet."

[Editor’s note: Lol Fairly Oddparents.]

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers.

"Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun."

Asahina-senpai hugged himself tightly and looked at me pleadingly.

I'm so sorry, Asahina-senpai. I just couldn't dredge up any resistance. Besides, Haruki’s stripping nearly killed me.

Asahina-senpai tried to grab the table and resist, sobbing like a kid, but he was no match for Haruki’s strength. He was dragged away by Haruki, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. Just as I sat down dejectedly, feeling really guilty...

"That."

Nagato Yuuki pointed on the ground. I looked and saw two male uniforms lying there... Erm, are those heart-patterned boxers I just saw?

The thin, spectacled boy pointed at the cabinet at the other side of the room and then went back to reading his book.

Can't you pick up the clothes yourself!?

I sighed and went to pick up their clothes, placing them in the cabinet. Aggh, you could feel their body heat on the clothes! They're still warm! Ew!

Half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked like he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurriedly gave him a chair, and like last time, he simply sat down and drooped towards the table, his shoulders shivering. Looks like he doesn't even have the strength to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, so I took off my cardigan and draped it across his little shoulders. The presence of a sobbing Chippendale dancer and a bookworm who didn't care about what was going on, along with me who was utterly at a loss with what to do, had brought the atmosphere of the room to an all-time low. The screams of the Baseball Club could be heard in the distance.

As I was about to think of what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned.

The first thing he did was grind his teeth angrily:

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in my way!"

Not sure why he was so angry, I coolly asked:

"There a problem?"

"I hadn't even handed out half the fliers and in comes a stupid teacher asking us to stop handing them out! What the hell is wrong with her?"

Idiot! If the teachers ignored something like students dressing up as Chippendales and handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that'd be abnormal!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, I got taken to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

[Editor’s note: Yes, I mistakenly kept the principal as male in my version of Chapter One. I’ll fix that.]

"Gah, this makes me ANGRY! That's it! You’re all dismissed!"

Haruki slowly took off his cuffs and then proceeded to strip of his shirt. I immediately ran out of the room at top speed.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned on the corridor wall and waited for them to change. In any case, it doesn’t look like he was doing that to attract women; just that he was trying to attract attention in general. Does he even know how an outfit like that would affect people?

It looks like, at this rate, there's no way he can experience a normal romantic relationship.

I wish he could be more considerate of how girls think. At least be considerate for me! Honestly, to hang out with such a crazy person is really exhausting. Besides, I had to wish for that for Asahina-senpai's sake . Right... Nagato, at least let us know what your opinion is!

A while later, Asahina-senpai emerged from the room, giving a sad expression of someone who had just failed his exams. He needed to support himself on the wall to stop from falling down. I didn’t know what I could possibly say to him, so I just stood there in silence.

"Kyon-nee-san..."

His voice sounds as insubstantial as one of those ghosts from the haunted sunken cruise ships.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... Why didn’t you?"

I really don’t have anything to say… and, why are you calling me Kyon as well!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a robotic way, turned, and walked away.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

The next day, Asahina-senpai took the day off.

Haruki was already famous enough in school, but after the stripper incident, his name and weirdness had become the stuff of school legend. Not that I really mind, since Haruki’s actions are NOT MY FAULT. Not at all!

What I do mind though, is that Suzumiya Haruki's actions have caused everyone to start gossiping about poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai as well. That, and the odd glares I received from everyone at school.

"Hey, Kyon... seems like you're having a fun time with Suzumiya..."

Taniguchi said to me in a sarcastic tone after school. "I never thought you’d get that close to him... I guess nothing is really impossible, huh?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so suprised! Seeing some kind of male strippers while I was heading home, I thought I was dreaming!"

[Editor’s note: That line becomes much funnier genderbended.]

Kunikida joined in the conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

[Editor’s note again: I can imagine Kunikida taking a flier from Haruki while drooling copiously.]

"What’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it about?"

Go ask Haruki that question. I don't know, nor do I want to. Even if I did, I don't feel like telling you!

"It asks us to provide any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling normal paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"You guys seem to be doing some interesting stuff. But if it's something that's as overboard as that, I’d suggest you to stop at once. You guys went too far yesterday."

If I had known, I would have joined Asahina-senpai in taking the day off…

Haruki is still mad. On one hand, he's mad that the teachers stopped him from handing out the fliers; on the other hand, he's mad that the SOS Brigade email inbox is completely empty. I expected one or two prank mails in the inbox, but it turns out people were more rational than I thought. I guess, after the display yesterday, no one wants to get involved with what appears to be a strip club?

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"There wasn't any yesterday or today. Maybe it’s just that our club looks too shady for everyone to share their paranormal experiences with us?"

I tried to explain. I don’t think I was very convincing.

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please!

Something like would never happen, OK? YOU listen up, Haruki! Those sorts of things would only occur in a cheap light novel series! Real life is very cruel. Things like a conspiracy to destroy the world from a normal prefecture high school, evil demons from another plan of existence, or a spaceship hidden inside a mountain, all these things are impossible. Impossible! You hear me? You understand now, don't you? All your crazy behaviour is a result of you not being able to find a way to release your unhappy emotions, isn't that right? But now it's time for you to wake up! You should settle down and find a girlfriend who would walk with you to school every day and who you could take to the movies on Sundays, or maybe you should join some sports clubs to release all that excess energy. With your abilities, you'd get into the first team you picked in no time, becoming an full-time member.

...I had wanted to say a lot more, but I had only thought up the first five lines when Haruki’s fists started waving at me, so I'd better stop here.

"Mitsuuru-kun took the day off today?"

"Maybe he's not ever coming back. I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Damn, a pity! And I had prepared a new costume for him today too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did get one for you, though."

Haruki grinned.

“You know, the present I promised you?”

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Dammit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

Haruki’s ‘mysterious transfer student’ had finally arrived.

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's really here! I'm so happy!"

Haruki leaned forward towards me, speaking elatedly. His intense smile was like a kindergarten kid finally getting the toy he’d wanted.

[Editor’s note: Best. Most Truthful. Analogy. Ever.]

I don't know where he got it from, but the transfer student is apparently going to be in Class 1-9.

"Chance! It’s too bad they’re not in our class, but they’re definitely a mysterious transfer student, no mistake about that!”

You haven't even met him or her, so how do you even know if they're a mysterious transfer student?

"Eh? I already told you. A high percentage of those that get transferred in the middle of the school term are abnormal."

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75% percent of statistics on the Internet made up on the spot?

[Editor’s note: I love this joke, so I had to use it. Looks like Kyon-chan kinda missed it, though.]

Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then there'd be loads of mysterious transfer students all over Japan.

Haruki’s way of thinking, though, cannot be confined by logic. After the first session bell rang, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom. He probably went to visit Mysterious Transfer Student in Class 1-9.

Just before the bell rang to signal the beginning of class, he returned with a puzzled face.

"So are they a mysterious transfer student...?"

"Mm, doesn't feel like one."

I wouldn’t have expected anything else.

"We talked, but I still don't have enough information. They could just be pretending to be a normal person, that’s a certainty. It’s not like they’d expose themselves on the first day anyway. I'll go ask again at the next break."

Oh, please don't go ask again! I can imagine the Class 1-9 students, who had nothing to do with Haruki, being scared to death by his sudden appearance while he grabbed one of the students to ask, "Where's the mysterious transfer student?", before he rushed in. That, or he’d barge in when the student was having a conversation with his (or her) friends and interrogate the startled transfer student with questions like "Where are you from? Who are you really? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

At this moment, I thought of something else.

"Is the transfer student a guy or a girl?"

"Mm, though she could be cleverly disguising herself, she appears to be female."

Then I’m pretty sure she’s a girl!

Then it seems like the SOS Brigade has a chance of recruiting another female member besides me. Haruki might just carry that transfer student in the door without hearing her opinion simply because she's new. Although, it might save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something just as horrifying.

No matter how strong-willed Haruki is, someone with just as strong a will would just ignore him. Of course, they’d also have to be strong enough to avoid being carried off…

As long as we have the numbers, the "Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade" would be formed as an association. It doesn’t matter if the school recognizes it or not; the person that will have to do all the menial secretarial tasks is... me! For the next three years, I’ll carry the title of "Subordinate of Suzumiya Haruki" and live my days in despair!

[Editor’s note: Kyon-chan is in despair! Being Haruki’s subordinate has left her in despair!]

I still hadn't thought of what I want to do when I graduate, but if I wanted to go to a university, I’d have to behave myself.

But as long as I'm at Haruki’s side, it seems that this wish could never become true.

What should I do?

I couldn't think of anything.

I know that I should have just confronted Haruki, had him dismiss the SOS Brigade, and then tried my best to persuade him to live a normal high school life. Perhaps I could have gotten him to stop thinking about aliens and time travelers, settle down and find a girlfriend, or join some sports club, and be content with these three years of high school.

…It would have been really great if I had done that!

If I'd had stronger willpower, I wouldn't have gotten sucked so helplessly into the black hole centred around Suzumiya Haruki. I would have just lived out these three years of high school and graduated in a normal fashion.

... Oh how I wish! I wish it could have been like that! If wishes were fishes!

The reason I'm saying all this is because of all the strange events that happened to me afterward; everyone understands how I’m thinking, right?
Where to begin…?

Right, let's start from when the mysterious transfer student first arrived in our clubroom.

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-03-30T05:04:40Z

Kaisos: Reverted edits by Kaisos (Talk); changed back to last version by Magus

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What is he trying to do to me by bringing me here? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really doubt that the school would agree with you about that.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he’d probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on how to answer, Haruki had already turned and ran down the stairs, leaving a disoriented female student standing all alone on the dust-filled staircase.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to everybody.

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five members or more. A sponsor teacher, club name, chairperson for the club, and club activities/goals summary are required—which then requires approval from the Student Council Executive Committee. The club's activities must fit in with the school philosophy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the activities' records and results, the Executive Committee would debate on whether to promote the association into a "study group." Furthermore, as an association, the school will not provide any funding.

Searching for the requirements was easy—they’re listed in the back of the student textbook.

Finding members is easy too; we could just grab anyone to make up the numbers, so that won't be a problem. A sponsor teacher is harder to find, but I think I can manage that. As for the name, something inoffensive and ordinary would do. And the chairperson for the club is, no doubt, Haruki himself.

I don’t think, though, that our club activities are going to fall under the heading of "creativity and vivaciousness."

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

As the bell rang for the end of classes, Haruki showed off his ogre-like strength again as he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. It took great effort to make sure that I didn't leave my school bag in the classroom.

"Where are we going?!"

I asked because, well, I'm normal after all. That, and I was panicking at being kidnapped in such a way again.

"Our clubroom!"

Haruki, so full of energy that the people in front of us moved out of the way, answered with that short sentence, then shut his mouth.

Put me down! Your hand is dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

After we exited the first floor hallway, we went into another building and up the stairs. We walked into a dark hallway and at its center, Haruki stopped and finally put me down.

There is a door in front of us.

Literature Club

The above crooked nametag is pasted on the door.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and walked into the classroom without any consideration. I followed him inside.

It’s a surprisingly large room. Maybe it just seems that way because it only contains a rectangular table, metal chairs, and a bookshelf? Little cracks on the ceiling and the walls showed how ancient this building is.

As if he was included with the room itself, a skinny male student sat alone in a metal chair, reading a big hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!"

Haruki crossed his arms as he announced the above formally. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile.

If only he’d show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute. What is this place?"

"This is the Cultural and Arts club building. It has art and music rooms for the Art Club and the Orchestra Club. Clubs and associations without a regular clubroom all hold their activities here in this building, known as the ‘Old Complex’. And this classroom happens to belong the Literature Club."

Did he memorize all that?

"But then what about the Literature Club?"

"After all the third year students graduated this spring, the club had zero members. As no new members were recruited, the club was going to be canceled.”

But then what about the guy in the corner?

“By the way, he's a first year who's their only new member."

"Then they haven't been canceled yet!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none."

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I took a quick look at the Literature Club student.

He had glasses and short hair. Haruki was being very loud, but the student, however, didn't even lift his head. Apart from occasionally flipping the pages with his fingers, he appeared stationary, completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one…

I lowered my voice and asked Haruki:

"So what about him, then?"

"Oh, him? He said it doesn’t matter!"

"What? Really?"

"I asked him already at lunch time. I said I needed him to lend me the room and he said 'go ahead'. He’s fine with it as long as he can read his books here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. His fingers were moving rhythmically like a machine. He wore very thick, square glasses.

He looked like some kind of living doll; the ones crazed toy makers bring to life.

Yeah, he’s definitely a weirdo.

Maybe he noticed my intrusive observation, because the student suddenly lifted his head and pushed the bridge of his glasses up with his index finger.
His deep-colored eyes stared at me from under those thick lenses. Neither his eyes nor his lips showed any expression at all, like his face was a mask. He’s quite a bit different from Haruki—his face fundamentally shows no sign of emotion. It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it.

Nagato Yuuki stared at me for a moment; then as if losing interest, he turned his attention back to his book.

"Hey, Nagato-kun," I called out, "Haruki here wants to use your club room for an I-have-no-idea-what-club. Is this all right with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get thrown out."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but he still showed no expression whatsoever. I guess he really doesn’t care after all.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounds hyper, which gives me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up!"

He said this with a smile as brilliant as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

If I don’t agree, he might just decide to carry me off to a love hotel or something equally horrible.

The next day after school, due to my newfound duties, I had to turn down Taniguchi and Kunikida's offer to walk home with them, though I won’t miss their snide remarks about my figure.

So, I reluctantly dragged my heavy feet and headed towards the clubroom.
Haruhi had only said, "You go first!" and dashed out of the classroom with a speed that the Track and Field Club so badly needed. He’s really fast… I wondered if he had added rockets to his shoes. Is that speed because he was in a hurry to find new club members, or because he’d taken a step forward to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, moving slowly, and thanking my stars that he didn’t decide to pick me up again, I headed towards the Literature Club room.

As I entered the clubroom, I discovered Nagato Yuuki already inside, sitting in the same position, reading his book. I approached him slowly, but just like yesterday his head was completely buried in the book, my presence all but ignored. Was the Literature Club a pure reading club? I guess there’s no other reason why he’d be reading all the time.

There was nothing but silence in the clubroom.

"... What are you reading?"

I asked, not being able to stand the silence any longer. Nagato Yuuki answered by raising the book and showing me the cover. My eyes saw a large bunch of dazzling foreign words; it seemed like some sort of science fiction novel, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

Nagato Yuki pushed his glasses upwards effortlessly before replying in an empty tone:

"Unique."

I guess he’d answer anything I asked him.

"Which part?"

"All of it."

"So you like reading?"

"Very."

"I see..."

"..."

And we’re back to silence again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, somebody kicked the door open.

"Hi!" Haruki said expansively, striding through the doorway. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to, heh, catch him!" He dragged a shorter boy into the room, and then turned and closed the door behind him with an ominous finality.

The boy twitched nervously at the click of the lock. He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-where am I?" the boy said tremulously. "What is this place? Why have you brought me here?"

"Silence!"

The boy flinched at Haruki's sudden threatening tone, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around his shoulders, a huge smile beaming on his face. "This is Asahina Mitsuuru," Haruki said, gesturing with his other hand.

After announcing the boy’s name, Haruhi stopped talking. Wait, that’s the entire introduction?

Silence, yet again, engulfed the classroom. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. Why is nobody saying anything?

So, I started the conversation.

"Where did you kidnap him from?"

I had my hands on my hips as I said this. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki will make him stop this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"He was off daydreaming in one of the second year classrooms, so I grabbed him from there. I've seen him around a lot of times, and I figured that he'd be just perfect for our plans."

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's what you've been doing during recess time when you're nowhere to be seen in the classroom.

No, wait again, now isn't the time to think about this.

"Look, doesn't that make him an upperclassman?"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. He must have been absent the day that they handed out brains. In any case, being more forceful is not working well.

I sighed. "Okay then... tell me, why did you need to go out of your way to find, erm, Asahina-senpai, right?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-sempai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-sempai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

You know, that really isn’t very nice.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My first thought was that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end that he’d come out the other side. He does have a point though… Asahina-senpai is probably the least manly man I’d ever seen. He’d be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he’s not as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, t-that’s too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki.

“I-I’m a man too, you know!”

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again.

He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that.

"How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I like to think that it was Asahina-sempai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!"

Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well, what do you know…” Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He is a man after all. You wanna check too?”

I flushed immediately.

“What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted.

“You see what I mean, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of man, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it. Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has broken the bounds of normality. He could join a freak show as “The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever”.

"Oi, Mitsuru-kun, you in any clubs?" Haruki demanded.

"Y... Yes... the Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of my club activities."

Hey, Haruki! That’s way too unreasonable!

Asahina-senpai focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued, and I had to avert my eyes. He then turned his gaze onto the still silent person sitting in the corner of the clubroom, who didn’t even look his way. But Asahina-senpai's eyes widened in surprise, and he gasped.

"I... I understand," he said, in the tone of voice usually reserved for the utterly defeated. "I'll quit the Home Economics club, and join your club..."

What did he just understand?

He hesitated. "But I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained.
As Asahina-senpai looked puzzled, I cut in to explain.

"We're just temporarily borrowing this room for our club activities. The club you have joined is actually a new association that Suzumiya Haruki will create in the near future. We don't know what activities there will be; we don't even have a name."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"

"Oh, and that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member."

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his mouth hanging open. Yeah, that's a predictable reaction.

"It’s no problem at all!"

Cheerful to the point of not being responsible for anything, Haruki smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder hard.

"I've already thought of the name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much scepticism into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I really don’t want to hear the name, but since I already asked, Haruki took a deep breath, in preparation for the momentous revelation of his grand vision.

As everybody knows, it all began as a result of Suzumiya Haruki's simple and naive vision, and for no other reason. And so... the name of our new club has been decided:

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

But before I could even do that though, I stood utterly dumbstruck.

(Why on earth is it called "Brigade"? It should be "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade", but since the club still hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association and no one but Haruki was sure what the club was all about, Haruki simply said "Well then, let's call it a brigade!" And so the club name was now magnificently born.)

Upon hearing the name, Asahina-senpai closed his mouth dejectedly. Nagato Yuuki could be counted as an outsider, and I didn't know what to say. And so, the motion for the new club name was passed, with one for and three abstentions. The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

I covered my face with my hand.

Sigh… just… do whatever you want!

After saying "Meet here every day after school, or else!” Haruki called it a day.

Asahina-senpai's shoulders drooped, his lifeless figure walking along the corridor further giving off an impression of sadness.

There’s no way I could put up with seeing something like that, so I called out to him.

"Senpai."

"Yes?"

He looked at me with his innocent face, which didn't even look older than mine.

"Look, you don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me:

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But this might end up being dangerous for you!”

"That doesn’t matter. Haven’t you joined too?"

No! Whether I joined or not is not the issue here!

"I guess this is the absolute outcome on this Temporal Plane..."

He said with his round eyes staring far off in the distance.

"Um, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Besides, I'm interested in Nagato-san's presence..."

"Interested?"

"E-eh? No, nothing."

Asahina-senpai shook his head in trepidation.

Then Asahina-senpai smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.
"I may be of trouble, so please bear with me from now on."

“You really don't have to do that..."

"And please, call me Mitsuuru from now on."

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki the next day.

"You know what my Brigade needs next?"

"…What?”

"A mysterious transfer student!"

I sighed.

"What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, mysterious transfer students."

"Or maybe it's just because their parents got a job transfer and they were forced to come along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, mysterious transfer students… when will they appear?”

"Why don’t you ever listen to me?!”

Rumours had started to flow in the school that Haruki and I were plotting something.

"Just what exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seems upset.

"You’re not (gasp) DATING him, are you?"

No way! And if there’s anyone who’d like to know just what we’re doing, it’s me!

"Just don’t do anything too stupid, okay? You're no longer junior high students, they’ll at least suspend you if you vandalize the sports field!"

If it were just Haruki acting alone, I could simply ignore him. But now that he’s got Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai— I don’t want them getting involved in this madness.

The thing is though, Haruki’s strong enough to carry me off anywhere he wants… there’s no way I can stop him!

"We need a computer!"

Since the SOS Brigade was founded, the Literature Club room started to have more and more stuff besides the rectangular table, steel chairs and bookshelf.

In the corner now stood a portable hanger cabinet, a flask and cups, a teapot, a CD/MD playing radio, a freezer, sound recorder, cooking pan, bowl, all sorts of cooking utensils, and a PS2. Does he plan to live here or something?

At this moment, Haruki is sitting on a desk he managed to nick from who-knows-where. For some reason, a black triangular pyramid with the words "Brigade Commander" stood on the desk.

"It’s a tragedy! This is the Age of Information, and a Brigade as important as mine doesn’t even have a computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members were here today. Nagato Yuuki was in his usual spot, reading a hardback book about a minor satellite of Saturn falling down, or something like that. Asahina-senpai, who didn't have to come, had still obediently arrived and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.

Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Which is why I'm going to obtain one now," Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"What, you mean a computer? Where from? Please don’t tell me you plan on robbing an electronics store…"

"No, no! Why go all that way when there’s one much closer?"

"Follow me!" Asahina-senpai and I complied with Haruki's orders and followed him down the corridor, eventually arriving at the Computer Club two rooms away.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Take this."

Haruki handed me an instant camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I’ll tell you my brilliant plan, and you must follow it no matter what! There’s only one chance and one chance only!"

Haruki bent down and whispered his so-called "plan" in my ear.

"What!? You can't do that! That’s blackmail!"

"Does it matter? Besides, this plan is but a small part of my Master Plan!"

“But… Asahina-senpai…”

“Silence!”

Great. Just great. I turned to a puzzled looking Asahina-senpai, trying to warn him by winking at him.

Run, run, or you’ll be well done!

[Editor’s note: I apologize for the Kefka reference. Jintor, feel free to get rid of it if you want.]

But Asahina-senpai looked surprised at me and started blushing. Hey, exactly what ideas are you getting?

Just as I was about to run away with Asahina-senpai to avoid certain doom, Haruki had knocked on the Computer Club room door.

"What’s up, people?! We’ve decided to come and collect a computer from you!"

The spacing is similar, but compared to our room, this room was narrower. Each of the evenly spaced desks had a desktop computer on it with CD sound effects. The computer fans whirling away were the only sounds heard in the room.

The five girls sitting on their seats typing on their keyboards all stuck their heads out towards the door to see what Haruki was up to.

"So, who’s in charge here!?"

Haruhi smiled pompously.

A short female student stood up and answered.

"I'm the president, can I help you?"

"Do I really have to repeat myself? As I said: give me a computer."

The nameless Computer Study Group president displayed a "What the hell?" expression and violently shook her head.

"No way! Since the school doesn’t give us enough money, we bought these computers ourselves, with hard-earned cash! We’re not just going to give them to you for free! Do you think we’re idiots?"

"What does it matter? We only need one, and you have soooo many!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"That... wait a minute, who are you guys anyway?"

"I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, and these are Subordinate One and Subordinate Two."

Since when are we your subordinates?

"In the name of my SOS Brigade, I demand that you hand over a computer at once! No excuses!”

"Look, I have no clue who you guys are, but no way are you getting a computer from us! You go buy your own"

"Fine then. We have our… (heh) ways."

Haruki's eyes blazed with confidence. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

Haruki walked over to one of the shelves on the wall.

"I've heard about a certain group of girls who are totally into some really nasty, forbidden-in-school stuff. They even produce their own doujinshi manga to sell at Comiket, the major part of it all using a very public school club fund..."

Haruki punched the section of wall beneath the shelf, making a box fall down. Many books fell from it with their pages wide open.

I blushed very hard at all those man-on-man images. This is sick.

“I-I can explain!”

The president began to protest loudly.

“Those are our, um, private, um…”

“Silence.”

Haruki had apparently had enough.

“Here’s how this is going to go down. You’re going to give us a computer, and I won’t tell anyone that you’re making gay porn manga with the school’s money.”

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" One of the members asked.

“No, I came here to extort a computer from you.”

That’s the same thing!

“No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of them! You’ll have no proof! What do you say to that?”

Haruki grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

“Kyon, take a photo of contents of that box, would you?”

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter. Great, now I’m an accomplice in blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the president shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face.

“Okay, then. We’ll trade. We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler… but how do I know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki pushed Asahina-senpai, who was standing awestruck next to her, towards the president, and then he grabbed her and put it in Asahina-senpai’s pants.

"Kyaaaaaa!!"

"Whaaaaa!?"

Click!

At the sound of the two screaming, I clicked the camera shutter again.

Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, preventing him from escaping, and then shoved the president towards him. Asahina-senpai collapsed, the president on top of him.

"Kyon! One more picture!"

Once again, I pressed the shutter. Asahina-senpai, nameless president, you both have my sincerest apologies.

"Wha-what the hell!?"

The president had rolled of Asahina-senpai.

Haruki wiggled his finger at the furiously blushing president.

"If the photos of your gay porn isn’t enough, this should be enough for the administration to disband your club!”

"What kind of joke is this!?"

The president protested furiously once again. I feel really sorry for her.

"You forcefully grabbed my hand! I'm innocent this time!"

This time?

"Really now? Who’s going to believe you? With the rumours and my photographic evidence, there’s no way you’re getting out of this one.”

I turned and looked at Asahina-senpai lying face on the ground paralysed. He must have been in so much shock that all energy had left him.

In the meantime, the president continued to resist.

"My members are all witnesses to my innocence! That wasn’t my fault!"

The four members who were standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our president is innocent!"

Haruki wouldn’t be Haruki if he actually listened to you. It’d be easier just to give up the computer.

The already wide smile on Haruki’s face got even wider.

"Right, then I'll just say you girls gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now? Let me tell you a story. A poor, innocent upperclassman was passing through this hallway, when he happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy and other such sweets, but, lo! When he entered, he was set upon by the cruel women, who proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! Fortunately, I happened along, and managed to get evidence of their crimes before rescuing the helpless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a hero!”

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"S... Suzumiya-san...! T-that’s not what happened…"

Asahina-senpai desperately looped his arms around Haruki's legs, but Haruki simply kicked him off. He then inflated his chest and arrogantly said:

"So, what is it then? Are you giving us a computer? Or having your reputation ruined forever?"

The president's face went from red to white, finally turning dark.

In the end, she surrendered.

"Just pick one and get out!"

Having said that, the president sat down dejectedly. Her members all rushed towards her.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be all right!"

The president's head drooped like a puppet whose strings were broken. Seeing such a broken figure, even if I am Haruki's companion, I couldn't help but shed tears of sadness for her.

"Which one is the latest model?"

Haruki! That’s enough! You’re so cold-blooded!

"Why should we tell you!?"

The angry members continued their meagre resistance, but Haruhi simply pointed at me and the camera I was still holding.

"Goddammit… that one.”

Haruki looked in the direction the president pointed and inspected the model and serial number of the computer. Then, he took out a piece of paper from his blazer pocket.

"I went to the electronics store and asked for a list of the latest models. This isn’t one of them."

How far ahead has he planned everything out? This is getting to be a bit scary.

After inspecting all the other computers, Haruki pointed to one of them.

"Give me this one."

"W... wait! We just bought that last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we were truly thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After plucking all the cables and wires, he moved all the necessary equipment back to the Literature Club room without any consideration. He then had the Computer Club people reinstall the wires for us and had them lay two Internet cables from their room to ours, so we could use the Internet. He even forced them to set up an Intranet for us. He’s not better than a common criminal!

"Senpai."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the Lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, I could only shake the shoulder of a scarred and devastated Asahina-senpai, who was kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing endlessly.

"Let's go back."

"Sob..."

Haruki, you idiot, aren’t you supposed to be making Asahina-senpai more manly!? Not turning him into a nervous wreck!

I comforted poor Asahina-senpai, while mumbling about what on earth Haruki wanted a computer for.

Very soon, I would find out.

And that is to make an SOS Brigade website!

This begs the question: Who should make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"You’ve got a lot of free time, so you do it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more members!"

The computer was placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid.

Haruki added while surfing the net with his mouse:

"Complete it within the next day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai's body lay draped over the desk, his shoulders shivering, next to where Nagato Yuuki is sitting, who, as usual just reads a book, ignoring everything. Since it seems like I'm the only one who heard what Haruki was saying, I had no choice but to comply with him. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki himself thought.

"Look, even if you say that, I can’t design your website."

Haruki sighed.

"What if I get you a nice present then? I promise you'll like it!"

...? Is he being generous for once?

I guess I should go ahead and try to make the web page then, although I haven't ever made one before. Besides, it sounds pretty interesting.

And so, my arduous website design began on the second day.

Even having said that, it was much easier than I thought it’d be. Because the Computer Club girls already had installed all the software on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program’s instructions, do some copy and pasting, and that was it.

The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked.

Nagato seemed to come here even during lunch break.

"Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I fell back into deep thought.

I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

After making some website links and writing the email address— it's a bit early to set up a forum— I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.

That should satisfy him! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch, I was startled to find Nagato standing right behind me.

Weird! How come I didn't hear his footsteps? I didn't know when Nagato arrived behind me. His face was as white as a mask. He stared at me with his poker face as though I was some eye test chart.

"Take this."

He handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy!

Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn't even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

At that moment, the bell rang signalling the end of lunch break. It seems like there aren't a lot of people who respect my opinion.

After I carried the hardback book back to the classroom and sat down, I felt someone tugging at my ponytail.

"So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a rigid face. I noticed that his notebook was full of scribbles here and there. As I replied, I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates.

"Yeah, it's done, but it's a simple, crappy little website."

"Good enough! All it needs is an email address!"

Why can't you register your own free email address!?

"That won't do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?"

I don't get it How a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly?

"That’s top secret!"

He gave a sinister grin after he said this. Part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

[Editor’s note: I did that on purpose.]

Please, I’d rather never find out what it is!

In sixth period, Haruki was nowhere to be seen in class. He couldn't have gone home, could he? No, that’d be too easy for me. It's probably just another bad omen.

Very soon, it was the end of class, and I started automatically walking towards the clubroom. Though my footsteps never stopped, I did wonder why I was going there. Finally, I arrived.

"Hi there!"

As expected, there sat Nagato Yuuki and Asahina-senpai.

I know I'm not one to criticize, but these two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Seeing me enter, Asahina-senpai greeted me with a relieved expression. I guess having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting, huh?

Hey, wait a minute! You suffered through Haruki's evil clutches yesterday, and you're still coming today?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?"

"God knows. [Editor’s note: In the original. Lawls.] He hasn't been in the class since sixth period. He probably went off to steal equipment from somewhere again."

“Will, um, will I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again...?"

Seeing how depressed poor Asahina-senpai looked, I said gently:

"Don't worry! If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! I may not be as strong as he is, but I’m sure I can get him to listen to me!"

"Thank you."

He gave me a cute little bow as he said this.

I really felt like giving him a big hug. I didn’t, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"Then I'm counting on you."

"It’s no problem at all!"

Even though I repeatedly assured him, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. I am -such- an idiot!

"Hey, everybody!"

Haruki greeted us energetically as he entered the room, carrying with him two paper bags. Oh wait, is that the present he promised me?

"Sorry guys, I got delayed."

Just like you, isn’t it? For someone as obsessive as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I’m putting my foot down, we’re not doing any more stealing or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never be involved in something like that!”

Really now? Then how, exactly, do you explain the computer on the desk!?

"Tribute from my vassals! Anyway, moving on, take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's why you skipped class, huh? Consider yourself lucky that the teachers didn’t catch you. Though I bet they’re wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier…
I wasn't the least bit interested in what was written on the fliers, but since I've already taken one, I guess I’ll read it.

<div style="font-family: impact; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
The SOS Brigade founding principle:

We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be an abnormal paranormal event for us to even be interested. Our email address is...
</div>

I'm starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. Though, considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe all this just his convoluted way of finding himself a bride?

I’m confused now.

"Right then, it’s time to hand out the fliers."

"Where do we do that?"

"At the school gate. At this time of day, there are still a lot of students who haven't gone home yet."

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Captain Haruki. Just as I'm about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, he stopped me.

"You don't have to go, just Mitsuuru-kun and myself will do."

"Sorry?"

Asahina-senpai, who was carrying a flier in his small hands, turned his head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruki fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. Oh, no way! As Haruki finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension, I understood why he wanted Asahina-senpai to hand out fliers with him. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

Chippendales!?

…I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad in my entire life that I’m not the one getting a present.

"W... What are those for?" Asahina-senpai asked timidly.

"You should know. To dress up as a male stripper!" Haruki said unblushingly.

"Y-You can’t possibly expect me to wear that in public d-do you?"

"Of course! I even bought one for you!"

"I... I'm not wearing that!"

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements by heart!"

"W-when did you…! Never mind… y... you wouldn't want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man!"

"I don't wanna wear the stripper outfit!"

"Bah! Shut up and put it on!”

That’s it. Haruki leapt onto Asahina-senpai, like a tiger preying upon a helpless samba deer, and began ripping of his uniform.

"NOOO..."

"Now be a big boy and don't move!" Haruki said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-senpai's blazer and moving onto Asahina-senpai's pants. Just as I was about to stop Haruki's insanity, my eyes met Asahina-senpai's.

"D... DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door... and damn it! The door's locked! It took a couple minutes before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.

Before I left, I took one quick look backwards — I saw Nagato reading his book as if nothing had happened. Doesn't he have anything to say about this!? This is wrong!

I leaned back on the door, hearing poor Asahina-senpai's screams from behind it.

"Kyaa~~!!" "Nooo!" "A... at least let me take it off myself... Sob~~!"

These are mixed in with Haruki's yells of victory.

"That's great!" "Take that off! Quickly!" "You should have done what I said!"

I really, really don’t want to think about what’s going on inside that room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Come back in and check us out!”

As I sighed, entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers.

Aggh… their pants are so tight as to show every part of their lower body off in [I]great[/I] detail…

Haruki, predictable fits the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... his personality doesn’t go well with the costume at all.

Just as I was wondering whether to try to comfort his crying face and say, "The costume suits you," Haruki said:

"Well, what do you think?"

Is your skull badly damaged!? What do you think I think!?

"This is going to grab everyone's attention.” said Haruhi. “At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers! Especially if I do this!"

At that, Haruhi began slowly unbuttoning his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side.

Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

“S-stop it!”

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d destroy the whole point of wearing something like this!"

"If you do such strange things like that out in the open, people are going to look at you funny... Wait a minute, how come Nagato-kun doesn't need to wear this?"

"I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they were very expensive."

"Where'd you buy this stuff anyway?"

"Internet."

[Editor’s note: Lol Fairly Oddparents.]

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers.

"Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun."

Asahina-senpai hugged himself tightly and looked at me pleadingly.

I'm so sorry, Asahina-senpai. I just couldn't dredge up any resistance. Besides, Haruki’s stripping nearly killed me.

Asahina-senpai tried to grab the table and resist, sobbing like a kid, but he was no match for Haruki’s strength. He was dragged away by Haruki, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. Just as I sat down dejectedly, feeling really guilty...

"That."

Nagato Yuuki pointed on the ground. I looked and saw two male uniforms lying there... Erm, are those heart-patterned boxers I just saw?

The thin, spectacled boy pointed at the cabinet at the other side of the room and then went back to reading his book.

Can't you pick up the clothes yourself!?

I sighed and went to pick up their clothes, placing them in the cabinet. Aggh, you could feel their body heat on the clothes! They're still warm! Ew!

Half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked like he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurriedly gave him a chair, and like last time, he simply sat down and drooped towards the table, his shoulders shivering. Looks like he doesn't even have the strength to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, so I took off my cardigan and draped it across his little shoulders. The presence of a sobbing Chippendale dancer and a bookworm who didn't care about what was going on, along with me who was utterly at a loss with what to do, had brought the atmosphere of the room to an all-time low. The screams of the Baseball Club could be heard in the distance.

As I was about to think of what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned.

The first thing he did was grind his teeth angrily:

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in my way!"

Not sure why he was so angry, I coolly asked:

"There a problem?"

"I hadn't even handed out half the fliers and in comes a stupid teacher asking us to stop handing them out! What the hell is wrong with her?"

Idiot! If the teachers ignored something like students dressing up as Chippendales and handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that'd be abnormal!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, I got taken to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

[Editor’s note: Yes, I mistakenly kept the principal as male in my version of Chapter One. I’ll fix that.]

"Gah, this makes me ANGRY! That's it! You’re all dismissed!"

Haruki slowly took off his cuffs and then proceeded to strip of his shirt. I immediately ran out of the room at top speed.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned on the corridor wall and waited for them to change. In any case, it doesn’t look like he was doing that to attract women; just that he was trying to attract attention in general. Does he even know how an outfit like that would affect people?

It looks like, at this rate, there's no way he can experience a normal romantic relationship.

I wish he could be more considerate of how girls think. At least be considerate for me! Honestly, to hang out with such a crazy person is really exhausting. Besides, I had to wish for that for Asahina-senpai's sake . Right... Nagato, at least let us know what your opinion is!

A while later, Asahina-senpai emerged from the room, giving a sad expression of someone who had just failed his exams. He needed to support himself on the wall to stop from falling down. I didn’t know what I could possibly say to him, so I just stood there in silence.

"Kyon-nee-san..."

His voice sounds as insubstantial as one of those ghosts from the haunted sunken cruise ships.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... Why didn’t you?"

I really don’t have anything to say… and, why are you calling me Kyon as well!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a robotic way, turned, and walked away.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

The next day, Asahina-senpai took the day off.

Haruki was already famous enough in school, but after the stripper incident, his name and weirdness had become the stuff of school legend. Not that I really mind, since Haruki’s actions are NOT MY FAULT. Not at all!

What I do mind though, is that Suzumiya Haruki's actions have caused everyone to start gossiping about poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai as well. That, and the odd glares I received from everyone at school.

"Hey, Kyon... seems like you're having a fun time with Suzumiya..."

Taniguchi said to me in a sarcastic tone after school. "I never thought you’d get that close to him... I guess nothing is really impossible, huh?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so suprised! Seeing some kind of male strippers while I was heading home, I thought I was dreaming!"

[Editor’s note: That line becomes much funnier genderbended.]

Kunikida joined in the conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

[Editor’s note again: I can imagine Kunikida taking a flier from Haruki while drooling copiously.]

"What’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it about?"

Go ask Haruki that question. I don't know, nor do I want to. Even if I did, I don't feel like telling you!

"It asks us to provide any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling normal paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"You guys seem to be doing some interesting stuff. But if it's something that's as overboard as that, I’d suggest you to stop at once. You guys went too far yesterday."

If I had known, I would have joined Asahina-senpai in taking the day off…

Haruki is still mad. On one hand, he's mad that the teachers stopped him from handing out the fliers; on the other hand, he's mad that the SOS Brigade email inbox is completely empty. I expected one or two prank mails in the inbox, but it turns out people were more rational than I thought. I guess, after the display yesterday, no one wants to get involved with what appears to be a strip club?

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"There wasn't any yesterday or today. Maybe it’s just that our club looks too shady for everyone to share their paranormal experiences with us?"

I tried to explain. I don’t think I was very convincing.

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please!

Something like would never happen, OK? YOU listen up, Haruki! Those sorts of things would only occur in a cheap light novel series! Real life is very cruel. Things like a conspiracy to destroy the world from a normal prefecture high school, evil demons from another plan of existence, or a spaceship hidden inside a mountain, all these things are impossible. Impossible! You hear me? You understand now, don't you? All your crazy behaviour is a result of you not being able to find a way to release your unhappy emotions, isn't that right? But now it's time for you to wake up! You should settle down and find a girlfriend who would walk with you to school every day and who you could take to the movies on Sundays, or maybe you should join some sports clubs to release all that excess energy. With your abilities, you'd get into the first team you picked in no time, becoming an full-time member.

...I had wanted to say a lot more, but I had only thought up the first five lines when Haruki’s fists started waving at me, so I'd better stop here.

"Mitsuuru-kun took the day off today?"

"Maybe he's not ever coming back. I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Damn, a pity! And I had prepared a new costume for him today too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did get one for you, though."

Haruki grinned.

“You know, the present I promised you?”

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Dammit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

Haruki’s ‘mysterious transfer student’ had finally arrived.

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's really here! I'm so happy!"

Haruki leaned forward towards me, speaking elatedly. His intense smile was like a kindergarten kid finally getting the toy he’d wanted.

[Editor’s note: Best. Most Truthful. Analogy. Ever.]

I don't know where he got it from, but the transfer student is apparently going to be in Class 1-9.

"Chance! It’s too bad they’re not in our class, but they’re definitely a mysterious transfer student, no mistake about that!”

You haven't even met him or her, so how do you even know if they're a mysterious transfer student?

"Eh? I already told you. A high percentage of those that get transferred in the middle of the school term are abnormal."

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75% percent of statistics on the Internet made up on the spot?

[Editor’s note: I love this joke, so I had to use it. Looks like Kyon-chan kinda missed it, though.]

Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then there'd be loads of mysterious transfer students all over Japan.

Haruki’s way of thinking, though, cannot be confined by logic. After the first session bell rang, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom. He probably went to visit Mysterious Transfer Student in Class 1-9.

Just before the bell rang to signal the beginning of class, he returned with a puzzled face.

"So are they a mysterious transfer student...?"

"Mm, doesn't feel like one."

I wouldn’t have expected anything else.

"We talked, but I still don't have enough information. They could just be pretending to be a normal person, that’s a certainty. It’s not like they’d expose themselves on the first day anyway. I'll go ask again at the next break."

Oh, please don't go ask again! I can imagine the Class 1-9 students, who had nothing to do with Haruki, being scared to death by his sudden appearance while he grabbed one of the students to ask, "Where's the mysterious transfer student?", before he rushed in. That, or he’d barge in when the student was having a conversation with his (or her) friends and interrogate the startled transfer student with questions like "Where are you from? Who are you really? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

At this moment, I thought of something else.

"Is the transfer student a guy or a girl?"

"Mm, though she could be cleverly disguising herself, she appears to be female."

Then I’m pretty sure she’s a girl!

Then it seems like the SOS Brigade has a chance of recruiting another female member besides me. Haruki might just carry that transfer student in the door without hearing her opinion simply because she's new. Although, it might save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something just as horrifying.

No matter how strong-willed Haruki is, someone with just as strong a will would just ignore him. Of course, they’d also have to be strong enough to avoid being carried off…

As long as we have the numbers, the "Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade" would be formed as an association. It doesn’t matter if the school recognizes it or not; the person that will have to do all the menial secretarial tasks is... me! For the next three years, I’ll carry the title of "Subordinate of Suzumiya Haruki" and live my days in despair!

[Editor’s note: Kyon-chan is in despair! Being Haruki’s subordinate has left her in despair!]

I still hadn't thought of what I want to do when I graduate, but if I wanted to go to a university, I’d have to behave myself.

But as long as I'm at Haruki’s side, it seems that this wish could never become true.

What should I do?

I couldn't think of anything.

I know that I should have just confronted Haruki, had him dismiss the SOS Brigade, and then tried my best to persuade him to live a normal high school life. Perhaps I could have gotten him to stop thinking about aliens and time travelers, settle down and find a girlfriend, or join some sports club, and be content with these three years of high school.

…It would have been really great if I had done that!

If I'd had stronger willpower, I wouldn't have gotten sucked so helplessly into the black hole centred around Suzumiya Haruki. I would have just lived out these three years of high school and graduated in a normal fashion.

... Oh how I wish! I wish it could have been like that! If wishes were fishes!

The reason I'm saying all this is because of all the strange events that happened to me afterward; everyone understands how I’m thinking, right?
Where to begin…?

Right, let's start from when the mysterious transfer student first arrived in our clubroom.

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-03-30T04:34:30Z

Kaisos:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought...

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help with what?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Why do I have to help you make a new club? Tell me that, first!"

"I'll go find members and a room, so you go get the chartering paperwork."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I managed to untangle myself from Haruki's grip. "What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"Doesn't matter. The important thing is to make the club first!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Understood? Find out what you have to do before school's out, and I'll find us a room before that! OK?"

No!

...except that if I had said that, I got the feeling that I'd he'd have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"...I didn't say yes or no yet..."

Sigh. No point telling my woes to a plaster statue. I could only drag my heavy feet back towards the classroom, trying to work out how to explain all this to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for the creation of an 'association':

Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summery of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'Research Society'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements because they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Well, that's what I told him. But Suzumiya Haruki is the kind of person who only hears what he wants to hear.

-----

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. And I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"This room is now our clubroom!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class, I mused.

"Hang on a second." I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building! You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he spend a period memorizing all of that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Close enough, right? A club with only a single member is the same as one with none, you know?"

You... idiot! We're going to just take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Guess he's a bit of a weirdo, huh?"

You're one to talk, Haruki. I took another look at our oddball Literature Club member.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It was a little scary, actually.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

His eyes never left his book once.

"It might be troublesome for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

Quick responses were good, but there was no sense of feeling in any of them. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

"Right, then, it's decided!" Haruki interjected. He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"We'll meet in this room after school everyday from now on. Be sure to come! Or else~!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my Lucky Star lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book.

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Relatively."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence.

Could I go home now?

As I placed my bag on the desk and moved to seat myself, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Sorry about being late! It took a while to catch him!" announced Haruki cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim; he looked like a middle school student playing dress-ups in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a childish kind of way, and his large puppy-dog eyes glanced around the room with a silent appeal for help. He reminded me a little of my little brother.

This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied, as though he had already done his duty; Nagato Yuuki was, as expected, reading his book as though nothing had happened; and this mystery boy Asahina Mitsuuru was cowering, on the verge of tears. It didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"I didn't kidnap him! I just made him come with me!"

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Not that he looks like one, but I'm not in any position to talk.

"What about it?"

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need her for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangereous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, we're not the Literature Club." Haruki clarified, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurridly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...wha-?"

"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name!"

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, duelists! everbody! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

SOS Brigade!

That is...

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade

That is to say, the SOS Brigade.

Feel free to laugh now.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a Brigade. Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

Oh, joy.

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai's trudging lifelessly along the hallway (shoulders drooped) was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me:

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

"Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed.

"Define a 'mysterious' transfer student."

"Well, we're less than two months into the school term, right? Anybody who transfers in at this point is automatically mysterious! Don't you agree?"

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"That's abnormal."

"What would you consider abnormal? That's what I'd love to know."

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath - "GOING OUT, are you?"

Absolutely not! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refridgerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.

Haruki leaped off the desk and marched purposely towards me, flashing me a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!"

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I see.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence!"

Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "WTF MATE What The Hell?" for a second and violently shook his head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

I'm not a number, I'm a free man! ...Subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Capice?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

"Even if you tell the admin, we'll just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That was the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the Digital Camera once more. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Uh-uh-uh! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "H-Hold it! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

We are indeed thieves. I cannot deny it.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I've got to go looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.

The problem was more to do with content. I still had no idea what the SOS Brigade was all about, so I didn't really have any idea what to write. After making an image that announced "Welcome to the SOS Brigade's Official Website!" and sticking it at the top of the page, my activities ground to a halt. Haruki's words - "Hurry up and finish it, you hear?!" - rang through my head like a curse, which was why I was sitting there at the PC during my lunch break.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"What they don't know won't hurt 'em!" would be Haruki's response, I imagined. "If they found out about it, we'll just abandon the site. In this sort of thing, it's first come, first served!"

Really, in some ways I'm a little envious of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life.

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here"

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something? As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school. But until then, it's classified information!"

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

Seeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. How naive I was!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Look, forget that... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

I didn't really want to read the flier, but there was one right in front of me, so I might as well give it a glance.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Right, right, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Viola!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

In other words, a Chippendale costume.

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so IN-FU-RIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DIS-MISSED!!"

Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really fatiguing. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-san..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ships.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san, Kyon... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the stripper incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing Chippendales while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.

-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why isn't anybody one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease her. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

In reality, though...

"Have you experienced any paranormal events? Oh, you have? That's wonderful! Why don't you tell me all about it?"

Like that would ever happen. Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Suzumiya asked.

"He might never come back to school" I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no. No. No no no-no no. God no.

“Hoo, boy, look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

I was informed of this great news by Haruki himself before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a mysterious transfer student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with mysterious transfer students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our mysterious transfer student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A mysterious transfer student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the new transfer student!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity?"A bit like a botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

I thought of something.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...