Baka-Tsuki - User contributions [en]

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-09T21:30:53Z

Karedis:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remembered something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly convey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially been marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the entrance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-09T21:18:37Z

Karedis:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remembered something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly convey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially been marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
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|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-09T21:17:07Z

Karedis:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remembered something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly convey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially being marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-09T21:09:11Z

Karedis:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remembered something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly covey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially being marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
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|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-09T21:07:34Z

Karedis:

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remembered something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he just didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly covey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially being marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter3

2008-04-09T21:04:16Z

Karedis: duplicate sentences

Thanks to the now infamous Chippendale incident, Asahina-senpai, like Haruki, had become a household name within our school. Nonetheless, after that single day off, he bravely reappeared once more in our club room. Was this a result of Haruki's "manliness training?"

Yeah, right.

Anyway, when our activities didn't consist of Haruki's routine blackmail and/or molestation, there wasn't very much to do. So I brought along an old Othello board from home. It had been buried away deep within my house, long forgotten (well, until recently), so I thought that Asahina-senpai and myself could play a few rounds, and chat a little. You know, pass the time.

The website was done, but it was pretty much useless without any visitors. We hadn't even gotten a single e-mail. The PC was only any good for surfing the Internet; if the Computer Club girls ever found out that their top-of-the-line PC was being used for nothing more than net-surfing, I'm sure they'd cry themselves to death.

Seated next to Nagato Yuuki (reading a thick book, as usual), I began my third round of Othello with Asahina-senpai.

"Suzumiya-san sure is taking his time." said Asahina-senpai, softly, as he stared at the board.

Seeing that he hadn't been too badly affected by the events of the day before last, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe, with some luck, I could keep Haruki from breaking the poor kid any further. I wanted to maintain his innocence forever...

"There's a transfer student coming in today. I bet he went to go look for her." I said casually.

"Transfer student?"

Asahina-senpai raised his head like a little bird. Aww, how cute!

"Haruki was really excited when he heard there was a student transferring into class 1-9 today" I said, placing a white piece on the board and flipping over a few black pieces. "I guess he really likes transfer students."

"Hmm..."

"Anyway... I'm surprised you came today, Asahina-senpai!"

"Um... I did have my doubts," Asahina-senpai said a little uncertainly, "but I was still worried, so I decided to come."

Didn't he say that last time?

"What are you so worried about?" I asked.

Smack! He flipped one of the board pieces with his tiny fingers.

"Uh, um... nothing."

I could feel someone's gaze on me, so I turned to find Nagato staring at the game board. His face was as static as ever, but underneath his glasses, his eyes seemed more intent than I had ever seen them before.

"..."

His gaze was like a newborn kitten amazed at seeing a dog for the first time. I traced his line of vision to my hand, still holding an Othello piece.

"... Nagato-kun, you want to play?"

Nagato blinked, and with the tiniest of movements nodded his head. You wouldn't even have noticed it if you hadn't been playing close attention.

I swapped seats with Nagato, and moved to sit by Asahina-senpai. As I seated myself, Nagato picked up one of the pieces and inspected it carefully. He seemed particularly fascinated by the way the pieces stuck to each other magnetically.

"Um… Nagato-kun, have you ever played Othello before?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you know the rules, then?"

Same motion. A negative.

"Well, look. You're the white team, right? So your goal is to surround the black pieces with your white pieces. When they're surrounded, you flip over the black piece and it becomes white. In the end, whoever has the most pieces wins!" I explained quickly.

He nodded his head and proceeded to delicately place the pieces on the board, though I noticed he seemed a little clumsy in flipping the opposing pieces.

Asahina-senpai also seemed to get a little more nervous after Nagato began playing. First his fingers began tremble, just a bit, then I noticed that he didn't dare lift his head to look directly at Nagato. Instead, he'd sneak furtive glances at him while Nagato was concentrating on the game board. I suppose Asahina-senpai couldn't concentrate while he was acting all jumpy, so white quickly took a clear advantage that round.

That’s weird. Why would Asahina-senpai be afraid of Nagato?

It wasn't long before white claimed a decisive victory. Just as the two were about to begin a new round, the perpetrator of all the chaos that had gone before returned to the room with a brand new sacrifice.

"Hey, everyone! Kept ya waiting!" Haruki yelled cheerfully as he dragged in a female student by the hand. "This is the new transfer student in the First Year, Class Nine, and her name is-"

Haruki stopped and gave a "it's your cue" look at the girl, who turned and smiled at us.

"-Koizumi Itsuko, pleased to meet you."

The girl was slim and graceful, with a nice body and a fairly large bust. She seemed like one of those rich, elegant ladies; like those girls who could pose on the cover of a supermodel magazine and end up with tons of fans. If she turned out to have a good personality as well, she'd be even more popular than that.

"This is the SOS Brigade Club Room!" Haruki was saying. "I'm the Commander, Suzumiya Haruki! These are Subordinates One, Two, and Three. That makes you Number Four, so remember to get along well!"

What kind of introduction was that? The only names mentioned were yours and hers! What about me, Nagato, and Asahina-senpai? We're people, not numbers!

"I don't mind joining," Koizumi Itsuko said kindly, clearly not anticipating the danger she was putting herself into. "But what kind of club is this?"

If there were a hundred people in this room, that one question was the one that every single person would have asked. In fact, a whole bunch of people had already asked me that question, but I could never find an answer. Anybody who could answer that question skillfully was probably a talented con-artist, anyway. But Haruki didn't seem concerned at all, a smile spreading broadly across his face.

"Then let me enlighten you to the purpose of the SOS Brigade," Haruki said, still grinning.

He took a deep breath, posed dramatically, and shouted: "To find aliens, time-travelers, and espers, and marry them!"

-----

The world stood still for a second.

Well, not really. The only thing going through my mind was "Just as planned I thought", but the other three didn't seem to share my line of thinking.

Asahina-senpai was completely dumbfounded, his eyes widening as he stared blankly at the cheerful Haruki. Nagato Yuuki was in a similar situation; after turning his head to look at Haruki, he sat completely still like a doll that had run out of batteries. What was really weird though was that his eyes widened, just a fraction. For someone as stoic as Nagato, that was rather surprising.

Our newest member just gave an enigmatic smile. It was hard to tell what that smile meant, though - was she shocked? Was she amused? No clue. She was the first to regain her senses, though.

"Ah, I see."

She looked at Asahina-senpai and Nagato, and nodded as though in comprehension. "As expected from Suzumiya-san."

After that mysterious statement, she continued. "No problem, no problem at all. I'll join up. I look forward to working with you all."

She smiled, showing her bright white, even teeth.

...hang on, did you just accept Haruki's ridiculous explanation, just like that? Were you even listening!? Do you really want to get married so young!?

Noticing a (once again) bewildered me, Koizomi Itsuko suddenly approached and held her hand out. "I'm Koizumi Itsuko, but you can just call me Itsuko" she said, very formally, still smiling. "I just transferred in today, so I've still got a lot to learn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, likewise." I said, not quite sure how to react. "I'm-"

"She's Kyon!" Haruki interrupted. Damnit, that's not my name! "The four-eyes is Yuuki-san, and the little weakling over there is Mitsuuru-kun!"

Crash!

A loud noise thundered throughout the room. Asahina-senpai had been trying to stand up, but tripped over his chair, and had smacked into the Othello board with a loud thud. "Are you all right?" Itsuko asked, appearing at Asahina-senpai's side before I could even say anything. How had she moved so quickly?

"I, um... I'm fine," Asahina-senpai said, looking gratefully at Itsuko. Grr… looking after Asahina-senpai is my job! Mine!

"Great, now we have five members!" Haruki interrupted, climbing onto a chair and continuing his speech. It's not like you need to do that... You're already taller than anybody else here.

"There’s no way the school can stop us now! So, as of now, the SOS Brigade is open for business! Everybody, let's work together and move forward! Forward, towards our ultimate goal, and the fulfillment of my plans!"

What's that, a mass wedding with aliens?

And what do you mean by “open for business”, Commander Haruki? We still need a sponsor teacher, you know, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’d want to get involved in something like this. Nobody normal, anyway.

As I glanced desperately around the room, I noticed Nagato-san had already returned to his seat and was once again reading his book. Nagato-san, Haruki already counts you as a part of the SOS Brigade! Are you really sure that's ok with you?

-----

Haruki had declared his intention to take Itsuko for a tour of the school and left, dragging her off behind him. Asahina-senpai said that she had a few things to do at home, and departed as well. So it was just me and Nagato left behind in the empty classroom. I didn't particularly feel like playing any more Othello, and it's no fun just watching Nagato read, so I packed up my bag and bid Nagato farewell.

"I guess I'll be going then, Nagato-kun."

"...Have you read the book?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Turning, I found Nagato Yuuki looking at me with his expressionless eyes.

"What book? ...Oh, you mean that book you lent me the other day."

"...Correct."

"Oh. I haven't read it yet." I said, a little embarrassed. "Maybe I should just give it back to yo-"

"There is no need."

He never minces his words, does he? Just gets straight to the point.

"Read it today, "Nagato said flatly, ”As soon as you get home."

His voice had an overtone of command to it. Besides the required reading for Literature class, I rarely read any novels, but... since Nagato recommends it, it should at least be an interesting read, right?

"Alright, alright, I'll read it when I get home" I said.

Acknowledging me with the tiniest of nods, Nagato returned to his book.

-----

And that's why I was pedaling my bike as hard as I could, alone in the darkness.

I got home after my little conversation with Nagato and went straight to my room after dinner to get a start on the foreign sci-fi novel Nagato-san had lent me. Or shoved into my face. Whatever. Just as I was beginning to drown in the sea of words, I decided to just flip through the book quickly to see if I could ever finish the thing. As I quickly leafed through the pages, a bookmark fluttered out onto the carpet.

It was a strange looking bookmark with a fancy border made out of abstract patterns. When I flipped it over, I found a line of words on the back:

Seven o'clock tonight, waiting for you in the park outside the station.

The words were neat and precise, as though they had been printed out from a word processor. I don’t know for sure, but it certainly looks like the sort of handwriting Nagato would have.

I've had this book for days now. Was this message asking me to meet with Nagato-san at seven o'clock tonight? Or was it meant for the night that he'd given me the book? Could it be that Nagato-san had been waiting in the park every night until I found the bookmark and turned up? That might be why he told me to read it tonight, because he was tired of waiting for me to find the bookmark. But then why wouldn't he just ask me directly? It's not like I'm that scary or unapproachable, is it? And I still didn't know why he would want to call me to the park...

I glanced at my watch; it was just past six forty-five. Even on a bike it'd take around twenty minutes for me to get to the station.

I thought about it for about ten seconds.

Shoving the bookmark in a pocket of my jeans, I dashed out of the room and down the stairs like a rabbit. I ran by my brother coming out of the kitchen with some ice-cream ("Hey, where you going, Kyon-chan?" "Mind your own business!"), unchained my bike, and set off, flipping on the light with my foot.

If Nagato wasn't there, I was going to have to laugh at myself. Very loudly.

------

Well, I didn't get that luxury.

I tried to remain in brightly-lit places, which meant that I arrived at the small park outside the station at around ten past seven. There weren't many people around at this time of night, which did nothing to soothe my worries. Leaving behind the noises of the trains and of distant cars, I wheeled my bike along and entered the park.

Under the lights of the uniformly-spaced lamp posts, I could just make out a faint silhouette of a person sitting quietly on a bench; Nagato Yuuki, barely visible in the gloom. If I hadn't been looking for him, I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance. He was so still that a passer-by could have mistaken him for a statue.

Nagato rose slowly as I approached, a bit like a string puppet. I noticed he was still wearing his school uniform.

"...Hey, Nagato-kun. Well... um, sorry if I'm late..."

A nod.

"Were you waiting for me yesterday, too?" I asked guiltily.

Another nod.

"Couldn't you have told me whatever it is you wanted to tell me at school?"

"This way."

With those two words, he turned and strode off. He walks like a ninja; you couldn't hear a single footstep. I could only reluctantly follow behind Nagato, who was fading into the darkness the further away from me he got.

"Are you angry with me for making you wait?" I asked, stumbling to keep up with his longer strides.

"No."

I wasn't sure I could believe him, but I couldn't detect any sort of emotion from his voice.

"Uh, excuse me, but - where exactly are we going?"

"My home."

Wait, what?

I froze in my tracks, dropping my bike on the pavement. Why is Nagato bringing me to his house, after calling me out here so suddenly? Was this some sort of bizarre courtship ritual? Was he just asking me out? Aren't there supposed to be, well, preliminaries before this kind of thing?

Nagato sensed my hesitation, and looked back at me questioningly.

"Aren't we going a little too fast?" I said, backing away a bit. "In all sorts of ways, I mean."

"Do not worry. Noone else is home."

That makes me worry even more!

I kept my eyes on Nagato's back, not quite sure why I was still following him. Maybe it's because he didn't seem to be the type to take advantage of girls. And he had ignored most of the stuff that had happened ever since Haruki took over his club room, which meant that anything he felt that was important enough to tell me had to be absolutely incredible.

A few minutes of walking and watching his hair billow gently in the wind later, we found ourselves standing outside a large apartment building fairly near the station.

"Here."

Nagato took out a card and brushed it against the sensor; the glass door slid smoothly open. I hurriedly locked my bicycle by the entrance and quickly followed Nagato, who politely kept the door open for me. I stepped into the elevator after him, running all sorts of scenarios through my mind. Was I making a big mistake? I should have at least brought my cellphone with me, but I had left in a big hurry and forgotten it. It was a bit of a scary thought, that Nagato had me pretty much at his mercy; I could only hope he wouldn't try anything.

Nagato seemed to have something on his mind as well but, as usual, said nothing, merely staring at the floor number as it slowly increased. The elevator finally arrived at the seventh floor and me and Nagato disembarked and walked silently down the corridor to room 708. He unlocked the door and held it open for me.

"Enter."

Are you serious?

I tried to stay calm as I stepped in and took off my shoes, but I jumped a bit when Nagato shut the door behind him.

There was no escape now. I felt like I was trapped on the ship of the Dread Pirate Roberts.

"Come in." Nagato said flatly, removing his shoes as well. If the apartment had been dark I would have had an excuse to make a break for it or lock myself in the bathroom or something, but alas, it was illuminated quite brightly. All that light actually made the room feel even larger... and emptier.

This must be one of those posh condominiums that cost a fortune to rent, especially considering how close it was to the station. Then why did it feel as though nobody lived here?

The living room had only a kotatsu (a small table with a warm blanket) and no other decorations or furniture. There were no curtains on the window, and no carpet over the ten tatami-sized wooden tiles.

"Sit down," Nagato-san said, before disappearing into the kitchen without bothering to see if I obeyed. I knelt down beside the table, wondering if I should just try and leave. Before I could make up my mind, Nagato returned bearing a tray. Moving like a marionette, he set it down on the table without a word, and diffidently seated himself across the table from me.

Silence.

He didn't even pour the tea. He just sat there, looking at me expressionlessly. Maybe he expected me to pour it for us? I reached towards the teapot, but Nagato-san suddenly had it in one hand before I could grab it, as though he had suddenly remember something. He began to pour some tea into a cup.

"Erm... where's your family?"

"Not here."

"I can see that..." I said, glancing around the room. "Have they gone out?"

"I am the only one who has ever been here."

That was the longest sentence I had ever heard from Nagato.

"Are you... are you living on your own?"

"That is correct."

Woah, a high school student living alone in a high-class apartment? There must be a lot of complicated reasons behind this, and I didn't know whether Nagato wanted me to pry too deeply.

"Well, um, what... what do you want of me?"

Nagato ignored my question and pushed the cup of tea over towards me.

"Drink."

I looked at the teacup apprehensively. Was the tea safe to drink? Well, this was Nagato. He wouldn't put something into the tea to take advantage of me, right? Even though I didn't know him that well, I just felt that he just didn't seem like he was that kind of person.

"You dislike tea?"

"Oh, no... it's just that... " My voice trailed off. I sat there uncomfortably under Nagato-san’s gaze. It’s not that I don’t trust Nagato-san... but a guy asking a girl to come to his house so suddenly, when there’s nobody else there? And the first thing he does is offer her some tea without any explanation! It’s too suspicious. It's way too suspicious. But there was no way I was going to say that to his face.

"Look, forget the tea," I said. "Could you please just tell me why you’ve brought me here?"

Nagato paused and returned to his seat, as though he were a rewinding videotape. He looked at me silently, still not opening his mouth. This time, though it felt like he was trying to figure out how to bring the subject up. Was he looking for the right words, or trying to build some sort of inner courage?

"What is it you can't say at school?" I prompted.

He finally moved his thin lips. "It is about Suzumiya Haruki." he said, straightening his back elegantly. "And myself."

He paused for a moment.

What, was that it? I don't understand his speaking style, but he should at least try to establish some sort of context.

"What about Suzumiya and you?"

This was the point where I first perceived any hint of a major emotion on Nagato's stoic face; he looked troubled, or hesitant. But you had to be observing him closely to even notice; his expressive face had only the most subtle difference from his expressionless face.

"It is difficult to convey completely through words. There may be errors in the transmission of data. Regardless, listen to me."

And Nagato began to talk.

------

"Suzumiya Haruki and I are not ordinary humans."

And already he's weirding me out. So early in the conversation?

"I had kind of noticed that already," I said carefully.

"You misunderstand" Nagato continued, glancing at his hands in his lap. "I do not mean unusual in terms of deviation of universally accepted personality traits. I mean precisely what I said. I mean that he and I are not ordinary human beings like you."

What on earth is he trying to say?

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity, which oversees this galaxy, has created a Living Humanoid Interface in order to interact with biological entities. That interface is me."

"..."

"My task is to observe Suzumiya Haruki and upload all data obtained to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity."

"..."

"I have performed this function since my birth three years ago. In the last three years, no particularly unusual elements were discovered. The situation was very stable. However, recently an external factor has now appeared nearby Suzumiya Haruki that cannot be ignored."

"..."

"...and that factor... would be you."

-----

What is the Integrated Data Sentient Entity?

In the vast sea of information known as the universe, there exist many sentient entities composed entirely of concepts and data, that possess no corporeal bodies. They began as nothing more than pure data. As that data collected, the resulting entities developed sentience. Eventually, they developed enough sentience to actively seek out and accumulate further data.

Existing only as data, without physical form, they cannot be detected within the optical ranges. As old as the universe itself, they expanded alongside it, and therefore broadened the scope of all available information.

Since the formation of this planet - correction, this solar system - nothing in the universe has been unknown to them. This single planet in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way holds no particular significance to them, for many planets besides this one hold sentient organic life.

However, this third planet of this solar system gradually evolved bipedal organic life-forms which themselves learnt to seek information. The organic life forms on the planet referred to as "Earth" consequently began to grow in importance.

-----

"It was previously believed that it was impossible for organic life forms, which have limited data collection and transmission capabilities, to be able to evolve to the state where they would actively seek knowledge" Nagato Yuuki said in a serious tone.

"The Integrated Data Entity has therefore taken an interest in all forms of organic life on the planet Earth. It hypothesises that by observation, it may be able to aid data life-forms discover the solution to their own evolutionary dead end."

-----

Unlike the Data Entities, which are complete existences from their genesis, humans begin their existences as incomplete organic life forms, rapidly evolving by acquiring and retaining information both internally and externally. This information is then used to further advance themselves.

The emergence of sentience amongst organic life forms is a common phenomenon. But it is only on Earth that life-forms have evolved to the point where they actively seek out knowledge. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity was intrigued by this, and decided to continually monitor the planet.

-----

"Approximately three earth years ago, a data flare unlike any other appeared on the surface of the planet. An explosion of data erupted from a region on a bow-shaped archipelago, instantly covered the surface of the entire planet, and began to spread into space. And at the center of this data spike was a single individual. Suzumiya Haruki."

"Neither the cause nor the effect are known. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is unable to fully process the new data being created. Furthermore, while humans are highly limited in the amount of data they can retain, Suzumiya Haruki was able to create a massive data flare on his own."

"Suzumiya Haruki continues to transmit torrents of information at completely random intervals. Furthermore, Suzumiya Haruki himself appears to be unaware of this. Over the past three years, I have conducted various investigations on the individual known as Suzumiya Haruki from all possible perspectives, but his true identity is still an unknown. Regardless, a sector of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity have determined that he is the key to the evolution of all data entities and have commenced analysis accordingly."

"As data life-forms, they are incapable of speech and thus unable to communicate or interact directly with organic life-forms. Humanity lacks the ability to fully communicate ideas without the use of words, and the Integrated Data Sentient Entity lacks the ability to vocalise thought. Hence, Humanoid Interfaces like myself were created in order to act as a communications bridge between data life-forms and organic life-forms."

Nagato delicately lifted his cup and sipped his tea. I guess for him, that was an entire year’s worth of words.

"..."

I didn't have any idea how to respond.

"Suzumiya Haruki may hold the key to auto-evolution. There is a high probability that he also possesses the ability to control data in his surrounding environment. That is why I am here. That is why you are here."

"Hold up." I interrupted, my mind blurred and confused. "I'll be frank. I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Please, believe me."

I'd never seen Nagato-san so earnest looking before.

"There is a limited amount of information that can be conveyed through speech. I am merely a terminal, an interface for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. I am unable to perfectly covey the thoughts of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity to you. Please understand."

Understand? How am I supposed to understand something I can’t understand?! That doesn't help at all!

"Well... Why me?" I asked. "Look, let's say I believe all this garbage about you being an alien created by a weird-thing-entity, but - why are you telling me this?"

"You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki. Whether he is aware of it or not, his consciousness influences the world around him. There must be a reason as to why you have been chosen."

"No, there’s no reason!"

"There is. You have been chosen by Suzumiya Haruki." Yuki repeated. "Perhaps for him, you play some pivotal role. You and he hold all of potential within your grasp."

"…Are you serious?"

"Completely."

For the first time, I found myself carefully studying Nagato Yuuki's face. I had initially being marveling that Mr Silence here had decided to speak at all, but then out came this winding, freakish flood of words and nonsense.

I had known he was a little odd, but I would never have guessed that he was absolutely crazy.

Integrated Data Sentient Entity? Living Humanoid Interface?

Give me a break!

"Look." I said, moving to stand. "You should probably tell this directly to Haruki. He'd be delighted. Hell, I bet he'd even propose to you. Me, I'm not interested in this kinda stuff at all. Sorry."

"The majority of the Integrated Data Entity speculates that if Suzumiya Haruki becomes self-aware of his abilities, unforeseen consequences may occur. Therefore, at this stage the situation may only be observed."

"But there's a chance I might tell all of this to Haruki! Why tell me?"

"He will not accept the data you feed him as completely accurate."

"Eh?"

"Clarification: He will not believe you."

...He's got a point.

"I am not the only Humanoid Interface placed on Earth by the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The majority of the Entity intends to take a proactive role and observe the results. You are the key to Suzumiya Haruki. When crisis approached, I will look to you first."

Sorry, look, Nagato-san - count me out. Please excuse me, thank you for the tea, it was nice.

Nagato didn't move to stop me as I prepared to leave. He merely lowered his head and glanced at his teacup, reverting back to his normal, expressionless mode. It might have been my imagination, but I guessed he looked a little bit...

...lonely.

I slipped my shoes on, leaning against the doorframe. Aliens, huh? Nagato must have been picking up strange ideas from all of those sci-fi books he'd been reading all the time.

I paused, one shoe on. If it was true, though... that meant that the sort of strange being, the paranormal mysteries that Haruki was so obsessed with had been right under his nose the entire time.

...Yeah, right. It was just something about Nagato’s voice, the way he was so matter-of-fact about it. He made it sound so convincing, the way he deadpanned about... what was it? Some sort of 'data entity' that was watching Haruki? That just made me think of some sort of cloud of hovering binary code hanging around.

Weird things like that simply don’t happen. And what was that ‘not the only alien’ stuff? He made it sound as though they were waiting in the bushes, ready to jump out at any hint of weirdness. Yeah, right.

It sure was dark out tonight.

“Hey,” I said. Nagato looked up.

“If you’re going to make me come out at all hours of the night, the least you can do is walk me home.”

If he had been anyone else, he probably would have looked surprised. As it was, he said, in that same monotone he used for everything:

“That is unnecessary. The crime rate in this city is not exce-”

“Humour me,” I interrupted dryly.

-----

In a way that perfectly coincided with the way my life had been going lately, my little brother opened the door for me when I arrived home.

“Oh, it's you. Why were you--”

His eyes widened. “Ooh, I get it! You were out with a boy!”

No, it’s--

His face split into a grin. I’ve never been in favour of older siblings beating up on younger ones, but I think that’s about to change. “I’m telling!” he said delightedly.

I grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to run off. “Chocolate ice cream!”

He had been taking a deep breath, ready to scream for our father, but that confused him.

“What?”

By the way, through all of this Nagato-san was just standing there like a statue. Thanks for the help. You’re acting like you’re watching paint dry or something.

“From that stand across from the bakery. You pass it every morning on the way to school, you’re always staring at it. I’ll buy you chocolate ice cream every day for a week.”

“Including the weekend?!”

Fine, whatever.

He gave me what I’m sure he thought was an adorable grin. “Deal!”

What a little brat...!

-----

When my dad asked me where I'd been, I gave a vague, non-committal answer and went straight up to my room. Lying on my bed, I mused over Nagato's speech.

If I believed what he had said, that made Nagato not of this world. That is to say, an alien. Wouldn't that be a surpise, though? The very thing we'd - well, Haruki - had been searching for, right under our noses.

My eye fell upon the thick hardback novel that I had thrown on the corner of the bed. I picked it up with the bookmark and had a glimpse at the cover art before placing it by my pillow.

Nagato probably never talks to anyone in his class, imprisoning himself within his own mind. Break out of your little shell! He ought to just put down his book, get out and make some friends, and enjoy a wonderful school life. That poker face has got to go, too. I bet he’d look kinda cool if he'd just smile.

I think I'll return the book to him tomorrow... actually, you know what? Forget it. Since I've already borrowed the book, I might as well try and finish it.

-----

It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.

Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'

"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"

"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"

Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.

"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"

Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.

“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”

Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.

After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.

"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"

I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realised who it was.

Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.

My gods. Such a perfect maid.

"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.

I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...

"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.

"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki. "Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.

"Because maid costumes are sexy!"

I don't think that's a real answer to my question.

"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"

Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”

"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..."

Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction.

“...into THIS!”

With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?

"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"

Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?

As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.

Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently. "P... please stop that!"

You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...

Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.

"...uwah..."

"Now look over here, Mitsurru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"

Got a maid fetish, Haruki?

Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.

And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.

"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."

Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.

"Ah...?!"

Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark cheshire grin.

"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”

Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.

"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"

"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!

In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.

Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.

The sad thing though is that he's more feminine like that than I am.

"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"

Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?

Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.

"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"

Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?

"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.

"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"

Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oh god.

Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more. Why is it that I want to be in Asahina-senpai's position right now? Or even Haruki's?

Hang on a second, what the hell is wrong with me?!

"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!"

I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harrassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"

"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?

"What?!"

I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!

"Oh, I say. What's going on in here?"

I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the enterance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.

She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.

"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.

"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"

A job? What's this, all of a sudden?

Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.

That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.

“Hey, Kyon!”

Haruki was grinning again.

“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”

Oh no.

My doom has finally arrived.

There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.

I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.

“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.

Haruki's grin widened.

“Bun-ny girl.”

He reached towards me.

“Now, if you'll just--”

I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!

"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"

I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily, and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?

Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...

While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"

He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...

Sigh. I looked up at my captor.

"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"

Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.

------

I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.

...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!

Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.

------

Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...

"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!

"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my plan... to be a great success!"

This is your stupid plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant plan!?

"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"

Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!

"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"

"...What exactly are we looking for?"

Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.

"To find all the mysterious events of this world!”

And marry them?

“As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"

Oh, Haruki, I already found one mystery! The way in which you think!

I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled engimatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.

Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled:

"This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"

I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.

------

So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?

That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the webpage to attract more internet traffic!

When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'female'.

I'm going to kill him.

I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learnt that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.

I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the 'net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily:

"I knew that already!"

But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.

I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.

Was that a bad idea?

Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!

<noinclude>
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|-
| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter2|Chapter 2]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter4|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

2008-04-09T00:17:41Z

Karedis:

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes, and, of course, towering over me. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

------

Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

------

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

------

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

------

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruki chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"
"Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

------

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

------

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

------

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

-----

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

-----

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.



Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

------

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

------

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that.
The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

-----

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hi there!"

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but these two certainly had a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

eeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all be thrown straight out the window. I am -such- an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. Is that my promised present...? "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These are fliers I made to help spread the Word of the SOS Brigade! It took me ages to sneak into the photocopy room and print out 200 copies..."

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

<div style="font-family: cursive; background: white; border: 1px solid #999; padding: 1em;">
Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."
</div>

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade. Although... considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe this is just his convoluted method of finding himself a bride?

Gods, I hope not.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so glad not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the sturggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's looked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- KYAAAA!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them! - They were still warm, ewww...

-----

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing dancer, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!"
Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

------

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

------

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.



-----

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turns out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realised that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a new-comer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the mornings or to take to the movies on Sundays! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

-----

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What was I to do?

-----

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

I have had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

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| Return to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter1|Chapter 1]]
| Forward to [[Suzumiya_Haruki_no_Seitenkan:Volume1_Chapter3|Chapter 3]]
|-
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