Corti: Some edits, and a few questions.

2010-01-26T03:09:31Z

Some edits, and a few questions.

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"Dasai wrote many wonderful stories; you can’t die until '''you''' read them all." 
--"Dasai wrote many wonderful stories; you can’t die until '''you've''' read them all. 

"but my tears wouldn’t '''stopp''' coming out." 
--"but my tears wouldn’t '''stop''' coming out." 

"my expression must have resembled a monkey in the zoo, or like a '''new born''' baby, '''both''' look appallingly silly!" 
--"my expression must have resembled a monkey in the zoo, or like a '''new-born''' baby, '''both of which''' look appallingly silly! 

"But instead I reached out my own hand and held the hands of those two people. " 
--"But instead''',''' I reached out my own hand and held the hands of those two people." 

"Then I got stiffly scolded for playing around." 
--"Then''',''' I got stiffly scolded for playing around." 

"The rumours about me almost immediately spread throughout my school." 
--"Rumours about me spread almost instantly throughout my school." 

"Thanks to that I became infamous overnight." 
--"Thanks''',''' to that I became infamous overnight." 

"No matter whether it’s school or society, this rule will probably hold." 
--"It doesn't matter whether it's school, or society - this rule will probably still hold true." 

"It is hard for '''a man''' to change." 
--"It's hard for '''people''' to change." 

"'''From now on''' I will still wear a clown mask and live by lying to the world." 
--It says "From now on..." even though she's already been wearing a mask? 

"But I don’t feel ashamed about it anymore." 
--"However, I'm no longer ashamed of it." 

"I too think that we should put some distance between us." 
--"I too''',''' think that we should put some distance between us." 

"In the future, if someone '''can see''' through my clown mask, I plan on puffing up my chest, and answering with laughter- ‘Yes, you are totally correct. You have sharp eyes!’" 
--"In the future, if someone '''sees''' through my clown mask I plan on puffing up my chest, and answering with laughter- ‘Yes, you are totally correct. You have sharp eyes!’" 

"Another week has passed since we saved Takeda-san on the '''roof top'''." 
--"Another week has passed since we saved Takeda-san on the '''rooftop'''." 

"“Oh yeah, Konoha-senpai mentioned about used to be a girl?” " 
--"“Oh yeah, Konoha-senpai mentioned about '''how [he/you]''' used to be a girl?”"
 
"“On the roof you said you used to be a mysterious bishoujo." 
--"“On the roof, you said you used to be a mysterious bishoujo." 

"I am very curious, '''what’s that'''?” 
--"I am very curious, '''what did she mean'''?” 

"It’s possible this is a real expression of Takeda-san that she never showed others before. " 
--"It’s possible this is a real expression of Takeda-san''''s''' that she never showed others before. " 

"“Eheh, I will treat them as my '''treasure'''.” " 
--"“Eheh, I will treat them as my '''treasures'''.” " 
 
"The thing that was brushing '''against is''' not a cat tail; '''it’s''' one of '''the braids of Tooko-senpai'''. " 
"The thing that was brushing '''against my neck was''' not a cat tail; '''it was''' one of '''Tooko-senpai's braids'''. " 
 
"I don’t know when but Tooko-senpai had come back from the library" 
--"I don’t know when''',''' but Tooko-senpai had come back from the library" 

"She looked at the book with a '''lost in thought''' expression." 
--"She looked at the book with a '''"lost in thought"''' expression." 

"Even when I grabbed her braids she didn’t even notice." 
---"Even when I grabbed her braids''',''' she didn’t even notice." 

"Our distance was so close that if I leaned backward just a bit I could kiss her. " 
--""Our distance was so close that if I leaned backward just a bit''',''' I could kiss her. " 

"Now that she was in this '''trance state''', anything I say would be ignored. " 
--"Now that she was in this '''trance-like state''', anything I say would be ignored. " 

"The ears of the bungaku shoujo cannot hear '''any words''' anymore. " 
--"The ears of the bungaku shoujo cannot hear '''words''' anymore. " 

"As I savor the violet sweet scent of Tooko-senpai, as I feel her bodily warmth, as I let her soft braids brush against my neck, together in this room, dyed by the sunset, we read Takeda-san’s report together. " 
--"As I savored Tooko-senpai's violet sweet scent, as I felt her body warmth, as I let her soft braids brush against my neck, in this room dyed by the sunset, we read TAkeda-san's report together." 

"When the faint golden sunset turned '''into crimson red''', we finally finished reading. " 
--"When the faint golden sunset turned '''crimson red''', we finally finished reading. " 

"Then she realized that my face was red and my body was frozen stiff, '''she quickly backed away from me.''' " 
--"Then she realized my face was red and my body was frozen stiff, '''and quickly backed away from me.''' " 

"By reflex she jerked backward. " 
--"She reflexively jerked backwards." 

"“Then, here it is for you to enjoy, milady.” " 
--“Then here it is for you to enjoy, milady.” 

"Her fair skin, uniform, and her braids, they were all shaded with a lonesome sunset color. " 
--"Her fair skin, her uniform, her braids, they were all shaded with a lonesome sunset color. " 

"Wouldn’t it be great if she could be somewhere laughing as well. " 
-- Is this a question? 

"Even if we can never meet again, as long as she, under this '''sunset sky''', can smile somewhere… " 
--"Even if we can never meet again, as long as she, under this '''sunset-lit sky''', can smile somewhere… " 

"I laid open the '''binded''' genkoo yoshi and started writing. " 
--"I laid open the '''bound''' genkoo yoshi and started writing. " 

"I too continued on writing on the draft paper. " 
-- Is he calling his short story a draft, or is that another name for genkoo yoshi? 

"Would there be the day, when I would hold a pen again for a novel?" 
--"Will there be a day when I will once again hold a pen for a novel?" 

"What would I write about- Right now I do not know. " 
--"What would I write about... Right now, I don't know. " 

There are a number of times where Konoha is thinking to himself, and the tense changes out of nowhere. Should it be in present, or past tense?

Also, and this is just a minor thing, but people do not normally speak so formally. By formally, I'm talking about the lack of contractions. They're not '''wrong''', but it sounds a lot more relaxed if "I will" was turned into "I'll" or "I am" into "I'm".

--[[User:Corti|Corti]] 03:09, 26 January 2010 (UTC)
(Come yell at me if I messed up.)

Talk:Bungaku Shoujo:Volume1 Epilogue - Revision history

Corti: Some edits, and a few questions.