Talk:No Game No Life:Volume 1 Chapter 2 - Revision history

Layrelsky at 22:46, 12 August 2013

2013-08-12T22:46:29Z

Layrelsky at 02:05, 12 August 2013

2013-08-12T02:05:38Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:05, 12 August 2013
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			7. '''The exact same location as before, Steph was currently kneeling on the ground while lowering her head, deeply regretting what she had done. '''

			'''while lowering her head''' -> '''with her head down'''


	-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 18:07, 11 August 2013 GMT+8		'''The exact same location as before, Steph was currently kneeling on the ground with her head down, deeply regretting what she had done.'''


			8. '''Shiro seemed to be unable to accept her dried hair, and said with an dejected expression.'''

			Changed ordering of words a bit.


			'''Said Shiro with a dejected expression. She seemed unable to accept her dried hair.'''


			9. '''It was obvious that a troubled expression showing.'''


			'''It was obvious that Sora was showing a troubled expression.'''

			or

			'''It was obvious that Sora was wearing a troubled expression.'''


			10. '''Then, without affectation, he casually said.'''

			The sentence feels a bit hanging at the end.


			'''Then, without affectation, he casually said,'''

			or

			'''Then, without affectation, he casually said the following words.'''

			or

			'''Then, without affectation, he casually said it.'''


			11. '''They were guided to the library— no.'''

			'''Almost the same proportions of a high school [Library], Steph's private stack room. '''

			The '''— no.''' feels a bit frigid or abrupt. Maybe it can be expanded to '''— or what looked like a one.''' ("looked like" because technically or accurately speaking, it was Steph's private stack room.)
			And shouldn't the '''private stack room''' be the one with brackets because it's usage is more important than the '''Library'''?


			'''They were guided to the library— or what looked like one.'''

			'''Almost the same proportions as a high school library, it was actually Steph's [Private stack room].


			12. '''But obviously there wasn't a problem with communicating.'''

			This sentence isn't negating or opposing something so the '''But''' should be removed.


			'''Obviously, there wasn't a problem with communicating.'''


			13. '''".........Then, so you guys are really from a different world?"'''

			'''Then''' and '''so''' are redundant. '''so''' can be removed and the order of words can be changed a bit.


			'''.........Then, are you guys really from a different world?'''


			14. '''"Yeah, I know you feel that it is implausible—" '''

			'''implausible''' is kind of not a common word or a word normally used in a conversation. It can be changed to something easier to understand like '''hard to believe'''


			'''"Yeah. I know you feel that it is hard to believe—'''

			or

			'''"Yeah. I know it's hard to believe—'''


			15.'''People won't accept this fact but rather think that it is a fixed plot, even Sora didn't think that he was going to get trusted easily.'''

			What do you mean the '''fixed plot'''? Are you trying to say that '''coming from a different world''' is like a '''plot in a story'''? If so, then:


			'''People won't believe Sora's words but rather think that it is a plot in a story. Even Sora didn't expect to be trusted easily.'''


			16. '''The conversely shocked Steph then replied.'''

			I thought Sora was the one shocked that Steph easily believed him? Or was Steph surprised that Sora asked her why she easily believed him?


			17. '''"You ask me why.......the Elves possess high level magic, originally summoned from another world, so this is not an eye-catching thing. Moreover, looking at your appearance, it was certain that you were not people of this country, but you could only be human........"'''

			'''—In addition, there was only one country left for mankind.'''

			A bit of edit:


			'''"You ask me why.......the Elves who possess high level magic were originally summoned from another world, so your situation is not a rare thing. Moreover, from your appearance, I was certain you weren't from this country. But you could only be human..."'''

			'''—After all, this was the only country left for humans.'''

			-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 10:03, 12 August 2013 GMT+8

Layrelsky at 10:10, 11 August 2013

2013-08-11T10:10:55Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 10:10, 11 August 2013
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	-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 10:27, 11 August 2013 GMT+8		3. '''— And just that, she got shocked until she could only stand, while the half-naked siblings with just towel wrapping around themselves replied.'''

			I'm confused about the usage of '''And just that''' here. If it's trying to mean something like '''this is what simultaneously happened after Steph said "Y-you, both of you— Get dressed!"''', then I think it can be omitted since the '''—''' already serves that function.

			I think that '''half-naked siblings''' and '''with just towel wrapping around themselves''' are redundant. The '''half-naked''' part can be removed while retaining the towel part.


			'''—Steph got so shocked that she stood up, while the siblings, with only towel wrapped around themselves, replied.'''


			4. '''".......Didn't you say you wanted to wash our clothes. But we only have those clothes, unless it is already dried by now?"'''

			A bit of edit:


			'''...Didn't you say you wanted to wash our clothes? We only have those clothes, unless if they're already dried up.'''

			or

			'''...Didn't you say you wanted to wash our clothes? We only have those clothes. Are they already dried up?'''


			5. '''Said Sora who didn't think that dryers existed in this world.'''

			I think that '''expect''' is a better word for '''think'''.


			'''Said Sora who didn't expect dryers to exist in this world.'''


			6. '''Looking at his little sister who resembled a master, Steph's heart clenched for the third time. '''

			I think Steph was feeling jealous because Shiro looked like Sora's master, not because Shiro looked like a master.


			'''Looking at his little sister who looked like his master, Steph's heart clenched for the third time.





			-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 18:07, 11 August 2013 GMT+8

Layrelsky at 02:34, 11 August 2013

2013-08-11T02:34:28Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:34, 11 August 2013
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	2. '''"It would be fine if you remain in this state, but this is really a throwaway."'''		2. '''"It would be fine if you remain in this state, but this is really a throwaway."'''

	I think '''throwaway''' is a too powerful word to express "what a waste~~'''~~. My take on this:		I think '''throwaway''' is a too powerful word to express "what a waste". My take on this:

Layrelsky at 02:30, 11 August 2013

2013-08-11T02:30:05Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:30, 11 August 2013
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	'''If would fine if you remain in this state forever. Really, it's such a waste.'''		'''"If would fine if you remain in this state forever. Really, it's such a waste."'''

	or		or

	'''If only you'd remain like this forever. Really, it's such a waste.'''		'''"If only you'd remain like this forever. Really, it's such a waste."'''


	-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 10:27, 11 August 2013 GMT+8		-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 10:27, 11 August 2013 GMT+8

Layrelsky at 02:27, 11 August 2013

2013-08-11T02:27:51Z

Show changes

Layrelsky at 15:36, 10 August 2013

2013-08-10T15:36:14Z

@@ Line 3: / Line 3: @@
 ===Part 1===
-. Those who had threatened their boss and stayed here, didn't last one night, before wordlessly checking out.
+. '''Should have added in 'as expected of the lineage of royalty'.'''
--> The two siblings, who threatened the owner in order to stay in the inn, wordlessly checked out after staying for only one night.
+-> Question, is Sora the one who thought of this line? If so, maybe we can add ''', thought Sora.''' at the end of the sentence. Or we can also close it in parenthesis to show that it's a thought by Sora: '''(As expected of the lineage of royalty)'''
 -- [[User:Layrelsky|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky|talk]]) 23:00, 6 August 2013 GMT+8

Layrelsky at 15:42, 8 August 2013

2013-08-08T15:42:10Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 15:42, 8 August 2013
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	With conjunction to my edit in #2,		With conjunction to my edit in #2,

	'''-> Or so it should've been. It's because the siblings' intimate relationship had attracted unpleasant emotions from someone, but this fact was ignored.'''		'''-> Or so it should've been. It's because the siblings' intimate relationship had attracted unpleasant emotions from someone, but this fact was ignored.'''

Line 77:		Line 78:

	'''on the opposite side''' can also be changed to '''over there''' since it sounds more appropriate if this line is a thought of Steph.		'''on the opposite side''' can also be changed to '''over there''' since it sounds more appropriate if this line is a thought of Steph.


	-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 23:37, 8 August 2013 GMT+8		-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 23:37, 8 August 2013 GMT+8

Layrelsky at 15:39, 8 August 2013

2013-08-08T15:39:25Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 15:39, 8 August 2013
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	-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 23:00, 6 August 2013 GMT+8		-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 23:00, 6 August 2013 GMT+8



			Thanks for the confirmation Drinkingwater and the changes 神.
			Still in '''Part 1''':


			1. '''Shiro muttered in a low voice, having said till here, she found it hard to hesitate.'''

			I'm confused by what is '''having said till here''' is referring to and who is it referring to. From what I can understand, Shiro felt it hard to continue to complain about taking a bath after Sora told her that '''"Your brother loves a beautiful Shiro."''', so I think '''having said till here''' is referring to Shiro.

			'''-> Muttered Shiro in a low voice. She found it hard to complain more after hearing Sora say that.'''


			2. '''—But it will be fine either way.'''

			From what I can understand, this is referring to the fact the Shiro will now obey Sora's instruction to her about taking a bath, thus Sora doesn't have any problems anymore. The situation will in the bath will now become fine/peaceful.

			'''-> —Now the bath will become peaceful.'''


			3. '''No, they had attracted unpleasant emotions due their intimate relationship as siblings, but this fact was ignored.'''

			With conjunction to my edit in #2,
			'''-> Or so it should've been. It's because the siblings' intimate relationship had attracted unpleasant emotions from someone, but this fact was ignored.'''

			I added '''from someone''' in order to make it clearer that those unpleasant emotions were from Steph.


			4. '''Compared to that, there was something even more concerning that they had.'''

			With conjunction to #3,

			'''-> However, there was something even more concerning than that.'''

			'''that''' here is referring to the unpleasant emotions.


			5. '''Why am I washing a fully naked Shiro's hair, while Sora is wearing clothes and standing on the opposite side.'''

			It's kind of weird that the narration suddenly changed from a 3rd POV to 1st POV (Steph's POV).
			The '''fully naked Shiro's hair''' should be changed because it is Shiro who is fully naked and not her hair.
			If this is a thought by Steph then,

			'''-> (Why am I washing the hair of a nude Shiro while a clothed Sora is standing on the opposite side).'''

			'''on the opposite side''' can also be changed to '''over there''' since it sounds more appropriate if this line is a thought of Steph.

			-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 23:37, 8 August 2013 GMT+8

Layrelsky at 14:59, 6 August 2013

2013-08-06T14:59:58Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 14:59, 6 August 2013
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	===Part 1===		===Part 1===

	Those who had threatened their boss and stayed here, didn't last one night, before wordlessly checking out.		1. Those who had threatened their boss and stayed here, didn't last one night, before wordlessly checking out.

	-> The two siblings, who threatened the owner in order to stay in the inn, wordlessly checked out after staying for only one night.		-> The two siblings, who threatened the owner in order to stay in the inn, wordlessly checked out after staying for only one night.

	However, the siblings that were lodging in Stephanie Dora's house were already ushering into the next morning.		2. However, the siblings that were lodging in Stephanie Dora's house were already ushering into the next morning.

	-> Question: What do you mean by usher? Are you trying to stay that [the siblings were preparing for the next morning] or [the next day is coming?]?		-> Question: What do you mean by usher? Are you trying to stay that [the siblings were preparing for the next morning] or [the next day is coming?]?
	If it's the former, my take on this is: They were now staying in the house of Stephanie Dora and were preparing for the next morning.		If it's the former, my take on this is: They were now staying in the house of Stephanie Dora and were preparing for the next morning.

	No, to be exact— It had ushered into the next morning, in the bathroom of her house.		3. No, to be exact— It had ushered into the next morning, in the bathroom of her house.

	-> Question: What is It referring to? To the [day] or to the [siblings]? If it's the former then with conjunction to the above edit: No— to be exact it was already the next morning and the siblings were in the bathroom.		-> Question: What is It referring to? To the [day] or to the [siblings]? If it's the former then with conjunction to the above edit: No— to be exact it was already the next morning and the siblings were in the bathroom.

	-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 22:25, 6 August 2013 GMT+8		4. Should have added in 'as expected of the lineage of royalty'.

			-> Question, is Sora the one who thought of this line? If so, maybe we can add [, thought Sora.] at the end of the sentence. Or we can also close it in parenthesis to show that it's a thought by Sora: (As expected of the lineage of royalty)

			5. The house retains some of the Roman-styled infrastructures which was more acceptable to be called [Castle], much to the chagrin of the siblings who only knew Japan.

			-> Are you trying to mean that [the house had some infrastructures which were Roman-styled] or [some parts of the house were Roman-styled] or [the house as a whole was Roman in style]? If it's the 3rd then: The house, which was similar to Roman infrastructures, was more appropriate to be called a [Castle].

			6. Likewise the Roman-styled baths, which was boiled up make the scene『For all ages』.

			-> I think Likewise here mean that the bath was also Roman-style just like the house so maybe we can remove it and just say [Roman-styled baths]. Also, I think the bath here is specifically referring to the bath where Sora and company are currently are, so it should be in singular form. Also, from how I've pictured the bath, it's covered in mist so it's "for all ages" because Sora can't see the 2 nude girls:
			The Roman-styled bath was covered in mist which made the scene 『For all ages』.

			-- [[User:Layrelsky\|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky\|talk]]) 23:00, 6 August 2013 GMT+8