Asiorx22: Replaced content with "Finished the first chapter. Hope you like it."

2013-06-03T17:32:12Z

Replaced content with "Finished the first chapter. Hope you like it."

← Older revision		Revision as of 17:32, 3 June 2013
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	~~'In one room, upon where the refreshing morning sun shone, Kazehaya Kamito woke up'.~~		Finished the first chapter. Hope you like it.
	~~'In a room, illuminated by the morning sun, Kazehaya Kamito woke up'.~~

	~~'Hn, if I recall, today ... there's a team battle in the morning'~~
	~~'Hn, If I remember correctly/ my memory serves me right, there will be a team battle in the morning'. I think it's~~ the first ~~conditional, so I corrected the tenses~~. ~~And I changed the word 'recall', because... well it didn't feel right, but I'm actually not sure about my version either.~~

	~~'He had enough of being late and receiving sermons by the teacher, Freya'.~~
	~~'...and getting lectured by the ...'. I looked in the dictionary and sermon is closer to preaching, so I think 'lectured' suits this situation better.~~

	~~'Planning to fold the sheets and get up, he reached out both hands, then—<nowiki></nowiki>Funyuu... His hands touched something that felt soft'.~~
	~~'... he extended his hands, only to...feel them touch something soft'.~~

	~~'His hands touched something that felt ''soft''.(What is this? It's small, ''soft'', a little cold... feels good.)~~
	~~'...feel them touch something ''soft''. (What is this? It's small, ''tender''... a little cold, but feels good' I replaced a word with its synonym and changed the accents a little bit.~~

	~~'While half awake, he was playing with the mysterious soft thing with his palms, then...~~
	~~"You finally woke up, Kamito."~~
	~~"..."~~
	~~At that moment, Kamito's movement froze'.~~
	~~'Half awake, he played with the mysterious soft thing within the palms of his hands, when... ''...'' a voice made him freeze'.~~

	~~'Her silver hair was glittering while basking in the morning sun'~~
	~~'Her silver hair glittered in the morning sun' That's an expression actually. I think it sounds better this way.~~

	'Her body, which depicted her smooth curves, was small, but it was the proper body of a girl'. This whole sentence actually sounds wrong. to begin with, a body can't depict and it's the first time I see an expression like ~~'the proper body of a girl'~~
	~~'She was small, but had all the necessary curves. The girl's figure was ideal'.~~

	~~'Her mysterious violet pupils were looking down at Kamito expressionlessly'~~
	~~'She looked at Kamito with her mysterious violet eyes, her face expressionless'~~

	~~'Kamito got up in a fluster and said, while pointing at the beautiful girl before him,... While straddling over Kamito's abdomen, the girl raised her knees to show him'.~~
	'Kamito straightened flustered and pointed at the beautiful girl before him... Straddling Kamito's abdomen she raised her knees to show him' To get up means to get out of bed, but she was still sitting on him, which means she was still in the bed. Also, there is no need in the word while, because the verb itself means a continuous action.

	~~'Startled by that action, which was mysteriously erotic, Kamito looked away in a fluster'~~
	~~'Startled by that, mysteriously erotic, action, Kamito looked away flustered'~~

	~~'She was a 'Sealed Spirit' that possessed extremely powerful strength'~~
	~~Powerful strength, wet water, salty salt there was a term for this kind of thing, wich I admitedly forgot. Anyway, it's better not use it.~~
	~~'She was an extremely powerful 'Sealed Spirit''~~

	~~'It was a complete surprise attack. Despite that he noticed that he was kissed, it spanned about several seconds. The sensation of her soft lips gently separated. His cheeks turned hot'.~~
	~~'The kiss took him completly by surprise. It lasted several seconds. Then, their lips gently separated. His cheeks turned red'.~~

	~~'Because it's unfair. Is it only Claire? Is it that you don't want to do it with me?'~~
	~~'Because it's unfair you only kissed Claire. Is it that you don't want to do~~ it ~~with me?'~~

	~~'Towards Est's blaming tone, Kamito firmly softened his voice'.~~
	~~'Hearing Est's blaming tone, Kamito softened his voice' Firmly declared something or said firmly, but not 'firmly softened'~~.

Asiorx22: Here is what I changed. I would like it if you shared your opinion.

2013-05-31T18:16:35Z

Here is what I changed. I would like it if you shared your opinion.

New page

'In one room, upon where the refreshing morning sun shone, Kazehaya Kamito woke up'.
'In a room, illuminated by the morning sun, Kazehaya Kamito woke up'.

'Hn, if I recall, today ... there's a team battle in the morning'
'Hn, If I remember correctly/ my memory serves me right, there will be a team battle in the morning'. I think it's the first conditional, so I corrected the tenses. And I changed the word 'recall', because... well it didn't feel right, but I'm actually not sure about my version either.

'He had enough of being late and receiving sermons by the teacher, Freya'.
'...and getting lectured by the ...'. I looked in the dictionary and sermon is closer to preaching, so I think 'lectured' suits this situation better.

'Planning to fold the sheets and get up, he reached out both hands, then—<nowiki>*</nowiki>Funyuu*... His hands touched something that felt soft'.
'... he extended his hands, only to...feel them touch something soft'.

'His hands touched something that felt ''soft''.(What is this? It's small, ''soft'', a little cold... feels good.)
'...feel them touch something ''soft''. (What is this? It's small, ''tender''... a little cold, but feels good' I replaced a word with its synonym and changed the accents a little bit.

'While half awake, he was playing with the mysterious soft thing with his palms, then...
"You finally woke up, Kamito."
"..."
At that moment, Kamito's movement froze'.
'Half awake, he played with the mysterious soft thing within the palms of his hands, when... ''...'' a voice made him freeze'.

'Her silver hair was glittering while basking in the morning sun'
'Her silver hair glittered in the morning sun' That's an expression actually. I think it sounds better this way.

'Her body, which depicted her smooth curves, was small, but it was the proper body of a girl'. This whole sentence actually sounds wrong. to begin with, a body can't depict and it's the first time I see an expression like 'the proper body of a girl'
'She was small, but had all the necessary curves. The girl's figure was ideal'.

'Her mysterious violet pupils were looking down at Kamito expressionlessly'
'She looked at Kamito with her mysterious violet eyes, her face expressionless'

'Kamito got up in a fluster and said, while pointing at the beautiful girl before him,... While straddling over Kamito's abdomen, the girl raised her knees to show him'.
'Kamito straightened flustered and pointed at the beautiful girl before him... Straddling Kamito's abdomen she raised her knees to show him' To get up means to get out of bed, but she was still sitting on him, which means she was still in the bed. Also, there is no need in the word while, because the verb itself means a continuous action.

'Startled by that action, which was mysteriously erotic, Kamito looked away in a fluster'
'Startled by that, mysteriously erotic, action, Kamito looked away flustered'

'She was a 'Sealed Spirit' that possessed extremely powerful strength'
Powerful strength, wet water, salty salt there was a term for this kind of thing, wich I admitedly forgot. Anyway, it's better not use it.
'She was an extremely powerful 'Sealed Spirit''

'It was a complete surprise attack. Despite that he noticed that he was kissed, it spanned about several seconds. The sensation of her soft lips gently separated. His cheeks turned hot'.
'The kiss took him completly by surprise. It lasted several seconds. Then, their lips gently separated. His cheeks turned red'.

'Because it's unfair. Is it only Claire? Is it that you don't want to do it with me?'
'Because it's unfair you only kissed Claire. Is it that you don't want to do it with me?'

'Towards Est's blaming tone, Kamito firmly softened his voice'.
'Hearing Est's blaming tone, Kamito softened his voice' Firmly declared something or said firmly, but not 'firmly softened'.

Talk:Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance:Volume2 Chapter1 Draft - Revision history

Asiorx22: Replaced content with "Finished the first chapter. Hope you like it."

Asiorx22: Here is what I changed. I would like it if you shared your opinion.