Talk:Toradora!:Volume4 Chapter3 - Revision history

Trabius: I think I put brackets because I was considering rewriting that part. The two lines are sort of connected but I can't seem to transfer it well into English unless I break up the sentence,

2008-10-14T22:53:01Z

I think I put brackets because I was considering rewriting that part. The two lines are sort of connected but I can't seem to transfer it well into English unless I break up the sentence,

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	[Hahaha, who could have guessed you girls would be here too]…Laughing like that, this guy who's the class representative/student council vice-president/softball club captain, just what is he trying to conceal…No wait, he’s actually not concealing enough.

	~~This section doesn't seem to conform to the standards we've been using. Not sure what the brackets are, and the rest of it sounds like someone's inner thoughts (Ryuuji I assume).~~

	~~--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:53, 14 October 2008 (PDT)~~

Akirasav at 21:53, 14 October 2008

2008-10-14T21:53:28Z

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	This section doesn't seem to conform to the standards we've been using. Not sure what the brackets are, and the rest of it sounds like someone's inner thoughts (Ryuuji I assume).		This section doesn't seem to conform to the standards we've been using. Not sure what the brackets are, and the rest of it sounds like someone's inner thoughts (Ryuuji I assume).

	--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)		--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:53, 14 October 2008 (PDT)

Akirasav at 21:52, 14 October 2008

2008-10-14T21:52:22Z

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	~~"In an acrobatic display of leaping and latching onto one of Ryuuji’s arms~~, ~~Taiga had landed a crab scissors move somewhere between his waist and thigh with her bare feet and climbed onto him~~."		[Hahaha, who could have guessed you girls would be here too]…Laughing like that, this guy who's the class representative/student council vice-president/softball club captain, just what is he trying to conceal…No wait, he’s actually not concealing enough.

	~~I realize that you~~'~~re trying~~ to ~~connect~~ '~~acrobatic display' with~~ the ~~actions of leaping and latching, but it comes off as an awkward sentence. Suggestion:~~		This section doesn't seem to conform to the standards we've been using. Not sure what the brackets are, and the rest of it sounds like someone's inner thoughts (Ryuuji I assume).

	~~In an acrobatic display~~, ~~Taiga leaped up~~ and ~~latched onto one~~ of ~~Ryuuji’s arms, landing a crab-scissors move somewhere between his waist and thigh with her bare feet while climbing onto him~~.

	--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)		--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)

	One thing I would change is the tense, as in "had leaped", because I'm pretty sure the line before it was Ryuuji's reaction simultaneous to the event while this line is a description immediately after the fact.

	I was trying to connect 'acrobatic' to the rest of the sentence since the the whole thing is supposed to be 'an acrobatic feat'. 'Performed an acrobatic feat'　or something like that was actually the main predicate, but I shifted it hoping it would sound better. In any case, I don't really have a problem with what you have written.

	~~I think I misread some parts, so I'll go ahead and put in this sentence while I'm checking.~~

	~~[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 12:30, 10 October 2008 (PDT)~~

Trabius at 19:30, 10 October 2008

2008-10-10T19:30:30Z

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	--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)		--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)

			One thing I would change is the tense, as in "had leaped", because I'm pretty sure the line before it was Ryuuji's reaction simultaneous to the event while this line is a description immediately after the fact.

			I was trying to connect 'acrobatic' to the rest of the sentence since the the whole thing is supposed to be 'an acrobatic feat'. 'Performed an acrobatic feat'　or something like that was actually the main predicate, but I shifted it hoping it would sound better. In any case, I don't really have a problem with what you have written.

			I think I misread some parts, so I'll go ahead and put in this sentence while I'm checking.

			[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 12:30, 10 October 2008 (PDT)

Akirasav at 21:28, 9 October 2008

2008-10-09T21:28:29Z

← Older revision	Revision as of 21:28, 9 October 2008
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		"In an acrobatic display of leaping and latching onto one of Ryuuji’s arms, Taiga had landed a crab scissors move somewhere between his waist and thigh with her bare feet and climbed onto him."

		I realize that you're trying to connect 'acrobatic display' with the actions of leaping and latching, but it comes off as an awkward sentence. Suggestion:

		In an acrobatic display, Taiga leaped up and latched onto one of Ryuuji’s arms, landing a crab-scissors move somewhere between his waist and thigh with her bare feet while climbing onto him.

		--[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)

Akirasav: Thanks Trabius

2008-09-30T03:16:55Z

Thanks Trabius

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	~~"Well, that’s because it really is seaweed…"~~

	~~This line is very casual. It feels like it should be one of Ryuuji's thoughts. Are the internal thoughts of the characters distinctly marked in the original version?~~

	~~---~~

	~~"Eventually, she was clenching her teeth where her front teeth were visibly chattering,"~~

	~~Not a clear sentence. she can't really clench and have her teeth chatter at the same time.~~

	~~---~~

	~~Also, what's the difference between the "* * *" and the separations without 3 stars.~~

	~~[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 20:08, 28 September 2008 (PDT)~~

	That line should have been italicized. I write in MS Word and I have to fix the font when I transfer stuff, so I miss some of the lines sometimes. And the answer to your question is not really, since there are context-based clues or verbs, but thoughts, sound effects, and even some discreetly spoken lines are just embedded into the main text.

	~~---~~
	I thought it was like tensing up so much that she was shaking and her teeth were chattering, but I guess it seems rather contradictory. Additionally, I'm confused about how she can speak if she's clenching her teeth.

	~~Anyway, here's an alternative for that sentence:~~
	~~"Before long, she was stiffly clenching her front teeth and trembling fearfully,"~~

	~~---~~

	~~I don't know if there even is a difference. Sometimes the division has three stars and sometimes it doesn't, but they both denote a scene change.~~

	~~[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 17:28, 29 September 2008 (PDT)~~

Trabius at 00:28, 30 September 2008

2008-09-30T00:28:48Z

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	[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 20:08, 28 September 2008 (PDT)		[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 20:08, 28 September 2008 (PDT)

			That line should have been italicized. I write in MS Word and I have to fix the font when I transfer stuff, so I miss some of the lines sometimes. And the answer to your question is not really, since there are context-based clues or verbs, but thoughts, sound effects, and even some discreetly spoken lines are just embedded into the main text.

			---
			I thought it was like tensing up so much that she was shaking and her teeth were chattering, but I guess it seems rather contradictory. Additionally, I'm confused about how she can speak if she's clenching her teeth.

			Anyway, here's an alternative for that sentence:
			"Before long, she was stiffly clenching her front teeth and trembling fearfully,"

			---

			I don't know if there even is a difference. Sometimes the division has three stars and sometimes it doesn't, but they both denote a scene change.

			[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 17:28, 29 September 2008 (PDT)

Akirasav at 03:12, 29 September 2008

2008-09-29T03:12:36Z

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	This line is very casual. It feels like it should be one of Ryuuji's thoughts. Are the internal thoughts of the characters distinctly marked in the original version?		This line is very casual. It feels like it should be one of Ryuuji's thoughts. Are the internal thoughts of the characters distinctly marked in the original version?

			---

	"Eventually, she was clenching her teeth where her front teeth were visibly chattering,"		"Eventually, she was clenching her teeth where her front teeth were visibly chattering,"

	Not a clear sentence. she can't really clench and have her teeth chatter at the same time.		Not a clear sentence. she can't really clench and have her teeth chatter at the same time.

			---

			Also, what's the difference between the "* * *" and the separations without 3 stars.

	[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 20:08, 28 September 2008 (PDT)		[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 20:08, 28 September 2008 (PDT)

Akirasav at 03:09, 29 September 2008

2008-09-29T03:09:33Z

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	"~~He got the feeling that they had been much more carefully constructed than those of some pitiful pension or petit hotel.~~"		"Well, that’s because it really is seaweed…"

	Is Ryuuji ~~really referring to a pension plan? Maybe a penthouse/mansion~~?		This line is very casual. It feels like it should be one of Ryuuji's thoughts. Are the internal thoughts of the characters distinctly marked in the original version?

	~~[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 16:00~~, ~~27 September 2008 (PDT)~~		"Eventually, she was clenching her teeth where her front teeth were visibly chattering,"

	~~A pension is basically~~ a ~~boardinghouse~~. ~~Maybe it~~'~~s too obscure a term? If you want, you can switch it with boardinghouse or something similar~~.		Not a clear sentence. she can't really clench and have her teeth chatter at the same time.

	~~[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 18:03, 27 September 2008 (PDT)~~		[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 20:08, 28 September 2008 (PDT)

	~~Lol, I learn something new everyday.~~

	[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 19:45, 27 September 2008 (PDT)

Akirasav at 03:46, 28 September 2008

2008-09-28T03:46:33Z

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	[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 18:03, 27 September 2008 (PDT)		[[User:Trabius\|Trabius]] 18:03, 27 September 2008 (PDT)

			Lol, I learn something new everyday.

			[[User:Akirasav\|Akirasav]] 19:45, 27 September 2008 (PDT)