EusthEnoptEron: Another loop

2010-01-26T23:11:48Z

Another loop

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We played soccer during gymnastics.

I was sleeping on the lap of Mogi-san because I got a nose bleed.

I suddenly wonder, what Mogi-san feels while letting me sleep on her lap. Could it be, that she does so trying, even just a bit, to attract me?

When I looked at her nonchalantly, she was expressionless as ever, so I have not the slightest idea.

"...Mogi-san"

"What is?"

"What are you thinking right now?"

"Eh?"

Mogi-san inclined her head. But her answer didn't come however much time passed. The only reaction to my question was her bewildered face.

It makes me think a little. If it's so hard to recognize the partner's feelings, can love really progress?

Why did I fall in love with such a difficult girl?

In the first place - when on earth was it that I fell in love with her?

I try to remember.

"............huh?"

"...what's wrong?"

Mogi-san asked, when I suddenly let out a sound.

"N-No... nothing!"

Probably I'm not doing a face that says 'nothing'. Mogi-san knows that. But since she doesn't possess the skill to question me about this matter, she kept silence without doing anything.

I stood up without warning to Mogi-san.

"Ah, err... it seems my nose bleed stopped."

"...mh."

Out conversation ended with just this.

Why do I abandon such an favorable situation myself? And this bliss might not come a second time.

But――it was impossible.

You see, whatever I tried――I couldn't remember.

I can't remember. I can't remember. I can't remember! ――I can't remember when I fell in love with her!

Why did I fall in love? What was the occasion? Or was I attracted to her before I knew, even without this?

Despite I should know as much, despite there's no way I'd forget it, I can't remember whatever I try.

It wasn't love on first sight. And expect the fact that we're classmates, we have almost no contact point.

And yet, why so out of the blue? Or do you want to tell me, that it was a sudden awakening of love――

"――no way..."

For real? But it's the only thing I can think of. This was a sudden awakening of love.

"What's wrong? Are you alright? ...should we go to the school infirmary?"

Mogi-san said so with her calm voice. And I was indeed very happy that she worried for me. Simply happy. This feeling isn't fake.

"...I'm alright. I was just pondering about something."

I asked myself several times if this isn't some mistake. But the more I reconsidered it, the more it seemed true to me.

I wasn't attracted to Mogi-san.

Until when? Right――

――I wasn't attracted to her until yesterday.

"――Ah, I see."

I looked at the transfer student who was only standing straight at the sports ground - Aya Otonashi.

When was the occasion that made me get attracted to Mogi-san? ――ah, that's easy. It wasn't yesterday. But today I was already in love. So when was it?

That's only possible――between today and yesterday.

Only during the interval of the more than 20,000 repetitions that occured due to the 'Rejecting Classroom'.

Ah, I remembered. Only a fragment, but I probably remembered more than the other times. But still it was just a fragment, so most of the memories stayed lost.

I've lost the most important recollection to me - how I fell in love with Mogi-san. And surely I won't regain this. I can't share anything with Mogi-san. An unrequited love I can't do anything about, no matter how much time passes; only my feelings will get stronger.

No, this might not be all. This love could possibly disappear as soon as the 'Rejecting Classroom' ends. I mean, this love shouldn't even have existed without the 'Rejecting Classroom'.

This is strange. Such a thing is strange. Despite there's no lie to this love.

But this love is a fake that couldn't exist originally?

A sudden gust blew before the lesson ended. It lifted up Mogi-san's skirt. I wonder why? But I had a feeling that I already knew these light blue panties.

No, I do know them.

Also the fact that Mogi-san's wearing light blue panties today.

And also the fact that Aya Otonashi sacrificed Kazumi Mogi the most of all in order to retain her memories.

Hence I decided.

To defend this 'Rejecing Classroom.'.

✵

This time's Aya Otonashi doesn't come approaching me.

No, I think it was the same for the time before. I can only remember slightly, but it was like this for a while now.

During the lunch break, Aya Otonashi was alone chewing her bread really wearily.

I then approached her.

Just by approaching her, my body stiffened up and my heartbeat accelerated. Otonashi-san's rejection against others had risen to a giant extent, so it alone was enough to apply pressure.

"...Otonashi-san."

I readied myself and called out to her. However, Otonashi-san didn't turn around. But there's no way she didn't hear me from this distance. So I continued without caring.

"I have something to discuss."

"I haven't."

She turned me down point-blank.

"Otonashi-san."

No reaction. She just continued chewing her bread lustlessly.

She seems to plan to ignore me whatever I say. ...in that case I only have to make her unable to ignore me.

It came to mind immediately when I thought about it.

"...Maria."

The chewing movements of her mouth stopped.

"I have something to discuss."

But even so she didn't even look at me. She kept wordless.

The classroom was deathly silent. Our classmates were only looking at us while holding their breath.

And finally Otonashi-san seemed to have lost her patience and sighted.

"I never thought you'd say this name. Seems like you remembered quite a lot this time."

"Yeah, so――"

"Even so, there's nothing to dicuss with you."

She began again to chew her bread lustlessly.

"Why!"

The glances of my classmates focused on me when I said so reflexively in a loud voice.

"Why?! Am I not the one you have to do something about?! So why don't you even try to listen to me!?"

"Why, you ask?"

Otonashi-san sneered.

"You honestly don't know? Ha! Right. You're always dumb, acting like this. You don't think by yourself. Why should I keep company with such a person?"

"...well, I don't know what I have done sometime."

"Sometime? Foolish. What's different to the current you? You're just the same, aren't you?"

"Why can you assert this? Maybe I'm going to offer you my help. In that case――"

"Virtually doesn't matter."

Otonashi-san spitted out these words without even letting me finish.

I was about to object reflexively. But this objection was erased by Otonashi-san's following words.

"Because you didn't make this proposal just two or three times already."

"Eh――?"

My idiot grimace might have been funny. Otonashi-san curled her mouth up slightly, put her half-eaten bread back and spoke.

"Very well. This time is full of useless things anyway. This isn't just the second or thirth time I'm explaining this as well, but let's tell you anyway."

Otonashi-san stood up and started walking away.

I didn't have another choice than to follow her quietly.

✵

She led me as always to the backside of the school building. Otonashi-san leaned as ever on the wall.

"I'll say this right now at the beginning. I won't talk together with you. Just listen to my words like an idiot."

"...I can decide that on my own."

I said so to be a bit rebellious, but Otonashi-san just darted me a cold glance.

"Hoshino, do you know which time's now? No, you don't know. Now's the 27,753th time."

It was a much too outrageous number.

"...did you specially count each time?"

"Yeah, since there's no way to affirm this as soon as I stop counting even just one time. If I forget to do so, I'll lose the sight of my standpoint. That's why I'm counting."

Certainly, it calms slightly if one knows how much steps one did to an unknown arrival point.

"I have repeated just this much. I've already done almost all possible ways to approach you. I'm in a situation where I can't even think of something I haven't already tried on you."

"That's why you think there^s no meaning in talking to me?"

"Yeah."

"You're not even trying to persuade me to hand over the 'box' to you?"

"I've stopped that already long ago."

"Why? Somewhere within these recurrences, there should have been a supportive me."

"Yeah, of course. There were times you treated me with hostility, and there were also times when you cooperated. But you know? It doesn't matter. You don't hand out the 'box' either way."

I don't even hand out the 'box' when I'm cooperating? ...but well, that's logical. If Otonashi-san obtained the 'box', then this 『now』 inside the 'Rejecting Classroom' wouldn't exist.

"Just confirming: it's for sure that I have the 'box', right?"

"I, too, was doubting this constantly. But the conclusion is always the same. Kazuki Hoshino is, without a doubt, the 'owner'."

"Why do you think so?"

"There aren't as much suspects as you may think. The explanation would take too long so I'll abbreviate. It's impossible for the few suspects to deceive me for 27,753 times. Hence, you're the only possible 'owner'. Furthermore, having nothing to do with this, there's a unarguable circumstantial evidence, isn't there?"

As she says. I've met the distributor of the 'box'――"*".

"Even so you're not taking out the 'box' at all. No, you can't. I've marked you as 'owner' more than 20,000 times ago."

"So you gave up?"

This Otonashi-san who spares no effort in order to obtain the 'box'?

"I have not given up. The means do not exist. Let's assume you're searching for a 100 Yen coin that should be in your wallet, but you can't find it however much you turn the wallet inside out. To search every corner of the wallet is easy. Even so, it's not there. In that case you have to assume that those 100 Yen aren't there anymore. In these 27,753 recurrences I've come to the conclusion that 『I cannot retrieve the 'box' from Kazuki Hoshino』."

Otonashi-san scowled at me for a moment and turned away.

"Well then, the side show has ended. Still something you want to say?"

"...there is! That's why I wanted to talk to you in the first place."

I have to say it.

I have decided. I have decided to defend the 'Rejecting Classroom'.

Otonashi-san, who came to kill Mogi-san countless times, I make her――

"I make Otonashi-san, no, Aya Otonashi――"

"――an enemy?"

"――huh?!"

What I was about to say with the determination of making a leap into the dark, Otonashi-san guessed in advance. And she was still uninterested and not even looking at me.

When she saw that I was shocked from the bottom of my heart and lost my words, Otonashi-san let out a sigh. She turned to me reluctantly.

"Hoshino, have you still not understood? How much time do you think have I spent together with this dumb you? This is just another pattern that I've already repeated so much that I'm tired of it. There's no way I wouldn't see throught it, is there?"

"W-What――"

I've come to get this strong determination countless times already?

Why did this become meaningless all these times?

"Incidentally I'll tell this as well. Even if you get the determination of making me an enemy and then try to take over your memories each time; in the end you revoke this hostility against me. Dead sure."

"T-There's no――"

After all this would mean that I allowed her killing Mogi-san; that I chose to erase my feelings for her.

"You can't believe me? Then shall I tell you the reason I've heard countless times from you?"

I bit on my lips.

Otonashi-san considered the conversation as ended and turned away.

"This conviction of yours can hold on more than 20,000 times without any problems. I'll admit just this conviction."

I raised my face spontaneously.

She that she 『admits』 me just now, right? This Otonashi-san has?

"Wait a moment."

There's one thing I have to ask no matter what.

Otonashi-san turned only her head to me.

"You stopped trying to retrieve the 'box' from me, right?"

"Yeah. Haven't I said so?"

"Then――what are you planning to do from now on?"

There was no change in Otonashi-san's expression. But she gazed straight at me without averting her eyes.

I was the one who averted his glance unintentionally upon this extremely straightforward gaze.

"Ah――"

In this instant――Otonashi-san walked away without saying anything.

Without having answered my question.

✵

Otonashi-san didn't return to the classroom after this - maybe she went home.

Fifth lesson. I couldn't understand the formula in the math lesson right away, although I probably heard it for a gazillion times already, and watched Mogi-san all the time instead.

Will I really abandon Mogi-san? Will I really break off these feelings for her on my own accord?

No. This isn't possible. It doesn't matter what the me of the past thought.

The current me won't give up on Mogi-san. That's all that matters.

The fifth lesson ended.

I headed immediately to Mogi-san. She noticed me and looked back at me with big eyes. My body stiffened up just by this like a stone. My heart loses its usual rhythm.

Just by looking at her. This means that what I'm going to tell her now is just this special to me.

An action I would certainly not take in the usual everyday life.

But I can't help it. I can't think of another way to retain my memories.

I can't think of another way than to confess to Mogi-san.

"...Mogi-san"

I guess I'm doing a pretty strange face right now. Mogi-san looked at me wondering and inclined her head.

"Err, there's something I'd like to――"

『Please wait until tomorrow.』

"―――ah"

A picture passed through my mind. A voice started replaying arbitrary. This was as clear as if glass was thrust into my eyes, eardrums and brain and hurt.

My chest was pulsating aggressively as if it was beaten by a hammer.

N-No――

I don't want to remember. Even though I don't want to remember. Even though I wanted to consider it as having not happened countless times, it doesn't disappear. Even though I can forget any other important recollection, only this one I can not forget.

Yeah, that's right――

A long time ago――I already confessed to Mogi-san.

"...what's wrong?"

"......sorry, it's nothing."

I took distance from Mogi-san. She raised her eyebrow suspiciously but didn't question me any further.

I returned to my seat and let my upper body fall prostrate on the desk.

"......I see."

Not that I think of it, it's obvious. After all I've come to repeat this day for over 20,000 times.

I confess to Mogi-san. But I forget. So I confess again. And forget again. In order to resist the 'Rejecting Classroom', I've made this confession, I don't even want to do, over and over and over and over again, and forgot it like this.

And I got each time the answer I don't want to hear the most.

It's always the same one. It's decidedly always the same answer. Well, there's no way it would change. Mogi-san can't retain her memories and thus her answer can't change either.

This answer――

"Please wait until tomorrow."

Truly cruel. Mind you――this tomorrow will never come.

Getting a matchless determination, plucking up the courage I'd originally wouldn't be able to take, stretching the nerves to the limit - and even so, these honest words of mine disappear entirely as if they didn't happen. And then, like now, I have to come in contact with her, who has lost those memories of my confession countless times.

...I see. They don't become not happened.

There's nothing from the start.

There's nothing in this world from the start. There's no value in anything in a world that becomes not happened. There's equally no value in beautiful things, nor in ugly things, nor in precious things, nor in shabby things, nor in beloved things, nor in hated things.

That's why there's nothing. Only emptiness.

This elusive emptiness is called 'Rejecting Classroom'.

I felt nauseous. I'm breathing at such a place. I wanted to vomit it all out. But if I did so, I couldn't live on in here. I can't live without breathing. But if I continue to breath emptiness, then my body will get empty as well. I'll get as hollow as a sponge.

Or――was it too late for me long ago and I'm already empty?

"What's wrong Kazu-kun? Are you feeling unwell?"

When I heard a familiar voice, I raised my face slowly while lying on the desk. Kokone was standing in front of me with a frown.

"That reminds me, you had a nose bleed during gymnastics, right? It might be due to the influence of that, you know? If you don't feel well, should we go to the infirmary?"

"There's no need to worry about him, Kiri. I bet the origin is more the laps he slept on than the nose bleed."

Daiya, who stood near to me without me noticing, said so.

"Laps...? ...ah! I see! So that's it! Whaat, just a lovesickness..."

Then she grinned and slapped me on the shoulders encouragingly.

"Yo-u! You you! Isn't this a bit saucy, considering it's you? Please do not do something mature like looove."

"Swayed by such a plain seduction - ludicrous."

"N-No! I've always loved――"

I stopped my words midway. This was a verbal slip in various senses. For one I admit my feelings for Mogi-san doing so, and first of all――

"Ha? You didn't have any special feelings for Mogi until yesterday, did you?"

――it's not the truth.

In actual fact　I fell in love with her today. At least from Daiya and the other's viewpoint, this was a sudden awakening of my feelings. Aah, I see... so that's why no one knew of my affection to her, even though it's clearly visible from my attitude.

"Hey hey, more than this Daiya. It looks like this guy just admitted his unrequited love to Kazumi. Uhihi."

Kokone grinned and poked her elbow at Daiya.

"Yeah. In the best case this might entertain me for a longer time."

"Uhehe... the love of others is fun after all! Mh, Mh. Don't worry. Onee-chan is supporting you! I'll give you advice and even help you! If you get dumped, I'll console you! But if you should succeed, I'll kill you, since I get irritated."

"No worries. If the two of them should start going out, I'll steal her from him."

"Uwaa, that sounds funny! The misfortune of others and muddled love triangles! Superb!"

...ignoring that I'm not in excellent form. Those two are really cruel.

Well, but I fortunately XX's not here. If he was here, then he would ride on the opportunity and lead the conversation to a way that would end in a――

"――huh?"

"Mhh? What's the matter, Kazu-kun?"

"No, just... I was wondering where he is. Is he taking today off?"

"Who are you talking about?"

Daiya asked making a suspicious face. This is odd. I thought Daiya would know who I'm talking about when I use this speaking style.

"You don't know? Naturally it's―――――"

―――――err, who?

Huh? Wait a sec! I was, I myself was about to say a certain person's name. So why can I not only not remember the name, but not even the face?

"...Kazu-kun? What's wrong? Who were you talking about?"

I felt sick as if I swallowed something half-liquid like a slime, what made me want scratch off my gullet. But I was lucky just feeling this disgust. You see, if I gulped down completely and excreted it, then XX would disappear.

"H-Hey... Kazu-kun!"

No problem. I can remember it. I can remember thanks to the disgust.

"―――Haruaki"

The name of my dear friend. The collague that pledged to be my ally forever.

...only slightly, but I hoped. I hoped that only I forgot Haruaki for some reason. But I really am an idiot. This hope――

"Oi, Kazu. Who is this 'Haruaki'?"

――could never be fulfilled.

I gritted my teeth upon this vexing sensation. Daiya and Kokone frowned at my strange behavior.

Those two forgot. Although they know him for far longer, being his childhood friends.

The fact that 『Haruaki』 does not exist here, was thrust with no mercy at me, and――

"I'll go home."

――was a fatal wound for me.

I stood up, took just my bag, turned my back to them and walked away to leave the classroom.

I can't endure being here any longer.

Why isn't Haruaki here?

I know why. I know it. Haruaki was 'rejected'.

By whom? That's decided. He was decidedly 'rejected' by the 『Hero』 who caused this 'Rejecting Classroom'.

I misunderstood. I thought the 'Rejecting Classroom' was to continue the everyday life forever. How foolish. There's no way it would be like this. The everyday life is called everyday life because it flows continuously. If you stop the flow of a river, then mud will gather and paint it black. It's the same like this. Sediment has gathered here.

Aah, I see. I guess I noticed this fact many times already. However much I repeated, I noticed this fact. And then I stopped being hostile to Aya Otonashi.

Aya Otonashi will destroy the 'Rejecting Classroom'.

How could I stop this?

The chime rang. I suppose most of my classmated have already gathered.

I turned around before leaving the classroom.

An empty seat. Another empty seat. Another empty seat. And there's another one. Aah... I knew it already, but no one is doubting those unusual many empty seats.

✵

I probably knew it. But I didn't think about it because I didn't want to admit it.

Aya Otonashi came to the conclusion that it's impossible to retrieve the 'box' from me.

In the first place it's easy to end the 'Rejecting Classroom' as soon as you know the culprit. It was to retrieve the 'box' that she repeated those 20,000 times.

So――what can I do?

That's obvious.

My limbs flew around when I was run over by the truck. It seemed extremely comical to me to see my familiar right leg lying far away from me. Somehow I could laugh.

"So it ends here..."

I was 『killed』. I let me get killed.

"27,753 meaningless recurrences. So this time ended in completely wasted effort? I have to... I have to admit that even I am tired now."

To be exact I'm not yet dead. But lying in my own pool of blood, I understood. I will die. There's no rescue for me. So I was indeed killed by her.

"Ugh...! I spent just this outrageous amount of time and what I got is this. I never before hated my own unability more than now...!"

She murmured so in bitter regret.

"...let's move on. I couldn't find the 'box' here. I just have to seek the next 'box'."

Aya Otonashi's eyes weren't perceiving me anymore. No, surely those eyes have never perceived me.

Aya Otonashi was from the start to the end just looking at the 'box' inside me.

Will this also be declared as 『it didn't happen』? No, it won't. If the 'box' called 'The Rejecting Classroom' is inside my body, then it gets smashed with my dead. And like my flesh was smashed by the truck, this 'box' is already smashed as well.

It won't repeat anymore.

Aah, what irony. If this was the only way to end the 'Rejecting Classroom', then death was the only thing that was decided from the start. Well, naturally it's empty. This world was surely――the world after my death.

But with this, out fight has come to an end.

It was a one-sided fight with no surprises, but it comes to an end here.

Yeah――that's what you're convinced of. Right, Otonashi-san?

You're pitiful. I feel so from the bottom of my heart, Otonashi-san!

I guess it's because you disregarded me all the time. If not, you wouldn't have made such a misunderstanding.

That's why this meaningless time continued.

Listen, Otonashi-san. It should have been simple if you thought about it. There is no way that an usual person like me could be the 『Hero』.

I wanted to tell her, but this wasn't possible anymore. I couldn't even move my mouth.

My consciousness fades away. I'm going to die now.

And then―――nothing will end.

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Talk:Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27753rd time - Revision history

EusthEnoptEron: Talk:Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27753th time moved to Talk:Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27753rd time

EusthEnoptEron: Wrong page

EusthEnoptEron: Another loop

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