Denpa Onna to Seishun Otoko:Volume4 Chapter4

Chapter 4 - Distance Between My and Her Moon

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Q: Select the appropriate words to fill in the blank:

[ ] x [ ] x [ ] = [ ]

[Niwa Makoto]

[Hoshinaka Ko’umi]

[Her boyfriend]

[Christmas Eve]

[‘What’s this Youth-Point?]

[In the park at night, coffee in hand]

[Get punched]

[Preparing for exams is hard]

[Two people alone in the library]

[A faint first love?]

[This would be three Youth-Points]

“What’s this Youth-Point?”

Words that obviously just sprung out from her mind escaped Hoshinaka’s mouth. Sitting next to her on the bench, I merely grinned wryly; white breath exited my lips. Seeing what could qualify as signal smoke coming out from my mouth, I shivered at the renewed realisation of the coldness. Unable to resist any longer, I stood from the worn-down wooden bench that could have easily been mistaken as ice.

“Niwacchi?”

I ignored Hoshinaka’s call, proceeding in the dense air that enveloped the night. Even by just inhaling the frigid air was enough to give me the illusion of being filled up.

As I left the bench, I saw, for just a moment, a picture: A hallucination of a child, playing by himself in the sandpit next to the seesaw. It might have been a much younger me, but seeing oneself playing is not much of a possibility.

The freezing wind attacked me unrelentingly; my nose and lips were paralysed as if detached from my face. I adjusted the scarf warped around my neck, as to cover my lower face.

My goal was by the entrance of the park — the thing which continued casting its light in the darkness. Thank goodness vending machines run on 24/7 basis. Convenience stores in the countryside had already given up on doing so.

I stuck my half-frozen fingers into the pocket of my coat. It took a while to open my palm, which was stuck in a fist. After a bit of searching, I felt a few coins on the tip of my fingers. Fortunately, the changes from a while ago was in there. Would have been real depressing if I didn’t have any money.

Since there were only three 100-yen coins in my pocket, I put all my investment into the coin slot. Beep~ Clank ~ Beep~ Clank~ Beep~ Clank~ Like so, the machine tailed along, recognising the 300 yen. Red lights appeared from the buttons beneath the cans. I turned to look at the bench where Hoshinaka sat; I wondered what she’d like. Going back was too much of a hassle, so I stood there, blinking in contemplation. In the end, I chose a coffee that had a lot of sugar. I don’t drink unsweetened coffee, hence the choice.

After pushing the button twice, I kneeled to retrieve my drinks. Two of the light bulbs were broken. They were separate, but I thought maybe they were looking at one another. Perhaps they’re the two who stuck together because they didn’t fit in anywhere else.

“Oops.” Because I pressed too quickly, the two cans of coffee were stuck in the depository. The white words ‘please retrieve your items one by one’ where printed on the plastic cover of the exit. Following my movement, the cover squeaked at the axel.

“You could have written it anywhere else.”

I stuck my arm in there, attempting to get the coffee out. When I got hold of the can that showed only half of its ugly design, I felt the warm on my frozen hand. Simple thing like feeling the temperature go up was able to bring my morale back up, in this park that’s filled with nothing but bad memories. It would have been an otherwise intolerable heat, were my palms not frozen. Actually, it’s getting there. I pulled hard and produced the coffee.

Perhaps because my fingertips weren’t as responsive, I easily retrieved the drinks. Though the vending machine whined as though it was being damaged, the lights on it shone still. I exhaled in relief. As soon as I picked up the second can, I straightened my knees.

An ache struck my head as I stood. Thanks to the recent lack of sleep, migraine became well acquainted with me. Preparing for exams is definitely not a healthy thing, but purportedly it’s all for the sake of a better future. The future and now are both part of life — Sometimes, I felt like we’re putting the cart before the horse.

With the coffee as my handwarmers, I returned to the bench where Hoshinaka was at. I looked up as I walked. I’ve enjoyed a clear night sky for as long as I remember. Due to the absence of the sun, the shape of the sky and the movement of clouds were easily traced. It’s like the depth of the sky could be seen and felt.

Plus the moon is usually visible on a clear night like this. Looking at the moon, I could feel the distance between me and Hoshinaka. It’s an analogy that only I knew, so I bet no one else could understand.

Her hands between her butt and the bench, Hoshinaka, with legs outstretched, looked up when she discovered my return. She sniffled with a grin; perhaps because of her scarf, hat and clothing, the usually diminutive Hoshinaka appeared chubby. ‘I thought you left.’

I made no effort to reply; I merely stared at the long hair that waved in the breeze.

“Your hands.”

“Mm?”

“Give me your hands.”

“Ok.” She earnestly pulled her hands out from beneath her, dangling them above her shoulders.

“Hm…” I nodded ambiguously and tossed the can over with a perfect arc. ‘Whoa!’ She cried as she followed the can and moved her hands to where it would land. With a subtle lean forward, she caught the coffee with the tips of her fingers.

I worried about her fingers being hurt, but seeing the smile on her face, I ceased all concern. As though seeking warmth, I put my now-free hands around my canned coffee.

Moments later, I sat a little away from where Hoshinaka was.

I once again was embraced by this lonely night.

“Niwacchi, you’re awfully nice today.”

“I always am. I show up whenever you call me up.”

“That’s why I said you’re nice today, too.”

Without a second thought, she chugged the coffee down her tiny throat. My can remained closed, continuously providing my hands with warmth. It was then that I leaned into my knees, elbows on the thighs.

“Ahh… Thanks. Want your money back?”

“That’s alright.”

I shook my head. Every time I did that, my ears mingled with the night painfully. Even tiny movement was filled with agony — I now understood what hibernating animals go through. Unwilling to move, I naturally didn’t look up into the sky.

“Are you studying for the tests?”

Hoshinaka picked something we had in common to talk about. With no desire to move, I answered ‘yeah’ without looking at her. Moments later, I added, ‘you?’

“Mm? I guess. Not as much as you, though.”

“Me (僕) too… I mean, me (俺) too.” I realised just how embarrassing it was to correct myself like that. Hoshinaka lowered her head, trying not to laugh.

“Niwacchi, you still say ‘me.’”

“Shut up. Just don’t notice it.”

After she pointed that out, I shrunk even more. In the same pose, I asked the question that’s been saved up:

“Why did you call me out?”

I seem to recall some sort of explanation when we’re on the phone, but I’ve already forgotten as I was studying English at the same time.

Perhaps because of the coffee, she spoke with a voice much warmer than before.

“I thought I’d come out and take a look at the sky when I’m free.”

Can’t you do that in your room?

From a glance, I could see her focused on none other than the coffee in her hands. Ever since we came here, Hoshinaka’d been staring straight ahead.

“Couldn’t you come by yourself?”

I shot a glimpse at the two bikes resting next to the bench.

“It’s too sad to be alone.”

“Then couldn’t you get your boyfriend?”

“He didn’t want to because it’s too cold.”

So I’m the backup, huh. A dark feeling roused, surpassing the coldness. I shot her a look, finding her lips touching the can’s opening, and her eyes straight ahead. Her stare was on somewhere far away, where I don’t exist.

Was she missing her boyfriend, who’s presumably in the warmth of his house? The thought soothed my emotion; I looked down again. I didn’t even have the strength to complain, possibly because of this weather.

“This is some sweet coffee.”

She commented on something no one asked for. I had not drunk mine, so I could neither assent nor rebuke her thought. There’s still something else to be said.

“You’re welcome to not drink it if you’re gonna complain.”

“You’re really no good with unsweetened coffee, Niwacchi.”

The lines that do not reciprocate one another stood side by side. It’s slightly annoying to be treated like a kid by someone your own age. Even though I was already a bit on the down side, this felt like my ankles were shaved off by the frozen ground. Keeping my head low, I turned to face her.

There she was, without a particular emotion on her face and coffee pressed against her cheek. After meeting eyes, I at least felt a bit awkward. When it comes to Hoshinaka, there’s this feeling that’s neither hatred nor annoyance, but still something I want to reject. I should be glad that it’s not a question that will be included in the exams.

'There she was, without a particular emotion on her face and coffee pressed against her cheek.'

She smiled hurriedly, and spoke with a cheery, yet seemingly masquerading voice…

“Sure smells like Youth here.”

“Who cares about ‘youth…?’”

The sound of that phrase embarrassed me.

To my unabashed criticism, Hoshinaka replied, ‘your heart has withered.’

The cloud that I saw early must have already disappeared.

It was December.

A time for exam preparation.

We weren’t in a position to be out at night.

Yet there I was, sitting on the bench with Hoshinaka.

The only thing we shared were runny noses, and the cans of coffee gradually losing their warmth in our hands.

Hoshinaka refers to me as ‘Niwacchi.’ It’s a shorthand for ‘Niwacchi-kun.’ No one else called me by that though, and most called me by my surname. Oh yeah. My name is Niwa Makoto, currently in third year of middle school.

I might be a little on the aloof side, but it’s not abnormal to have people like me in a middle school. I’m what you’d call a regular, a-dime-in-a-dozen teenager.

Mom gave me a tongue lashing for sneaking out last night. Her self-righteous punishment was for my allowance to be cut in half until I graduate middle school.

That’s why I showed up to class, bummed out. Actually, I’ve been feeling pretty strange in class recently. Still, I showed up to face the teacher and the blackboard. It isn’t just me: Everyone else looked exhausted.

Because of the impending exams, both the atmosphere in the room and people’s health were deteriorating. It was a claustrophobic feeling, that one moment you are able to roam freely in the plaza, and then the next you are thrown into a giant test tube. While the heater from the back was able to provide an arid heat, it also dried our throat and eyes, distracting us all.

Even being released from school was not enough. It’s like being told to finish an unsolved puzzle tomorrow. There’s no relaxing until we finish our tests — looks like we can only endure it.

Outside the warm classroom, the cold, December hallway only seemed gloomier. The ash-like cloud blocked out the sun; the field outside the window had an otherworldly hue.

The grey triggered a dark feeling unlike when the night’s arrived. I could not find myself walking energetically through these halls. While yawning, I dragged my feet forward.

Migraine from prolonged sleep deprivation and somnolence assaulted my brain. I often wondered if I’d nap a little after dinner when I get home. Most of the time, however, my conscious wouldn’t fade completely as I lie in bed. It all ends in hours wasted as I roll about, a sense of refusing to rest almost bursting out of my body. That was how stretched my mind was.

The dreary air of the classroom sunk into my blood, forcing me to stay in front of the desk to study. It’s not like the high school I’m heading into is a prestigious one, but even a regular student would be anxious first time taking an entrance exam. With every solved math problem, the worries attenuate. You could think of it as a nosy tutor.

I saw a familiar face in the hall appear from a different classroom. I couldn’t help but shut an eye — It was Hoshinaka. She had on an extra coat over her uniform, with no scarf or cap on today.

Hoshinaka was two classes away from mine. We were in the same class last year, which is also how we became acquainted. With neither her boyfriend or friends, Hoshinaka approached my direction. Though facing the window, I knew from her gaze the sky wasn’t her object of wonder.

As she passed, Hoshinaka noticed me. She gave a peace sign and a smile, which was not the same to that shown with friends. I backed up promptly, mindful of the surrounding eyes. It’s astonishing how small a school is, and how fast rumour spreads. It would not take too long for her boyfriend to hear about this peace sign if a particularly gossipy girl witnessed it.

Luckily, everyone in the hall was looking down, seemingly disinterested in others. I sighed in relief. ‘Oops, sorry.’ Hoshinaka bumped her shoulder into me. As I wondered in disbelief of her intent, she had already drifted away.

“Uh…” I wanted to say a few things, but the thoughts could not form into words.

When I came to it, I discovered a piece of ripped notebook paper between my fingers. There’s no need to think about the perpetrator — Who else but the one who ran into me? If not a prank, it must be a message to me.

I unfolded the paper. A few rounded fonts in blue were printed there.

“Come to the library if you’re free.”

“……”

The thought ‘why not just say it’ did not cross my mind.

I never really considered what went through my head.

It’s not a test, after all.

And so, without looking toward the window, I turned back and muttered, ‘Heck no.’

But she definitely couldn’t hear it.

Standing at around 150 centimetres and having a tiny face, Hoshinaka gave off a petite mien. A low nose and pair of large eyes, she was like a character from a shoujo manga with a realistic touch. Nobody probably would see her as a shy girl upon their first meeting, because she was the manifestation of amicability.

No guys, including me, thought ill of Hoshinaka when they first meet her.

Warmth from the library AC welcomed me as I entered. The devices are usually installed in facilities such as the infirmary or staff room, with the remote control within the reach of students. Naturally, we change the temperature arbitrarily. Still, compared to the winter, the upcoming rain season of June will be far worse.

I was able to immediately locate Hoshinaka in the library — because she was the only one playing her phone, without even a book or notes in front of her. Seemingly considerate of those around her, she fiddled with her phone quietly, what with the careful motions.

I wanted to leave when I saw that, but she spotted me frozen there when she looked up from her phone. Hoshinaka beckoned, and even took the coat hanging from a chair off to give me a spot. Affected by her act of preparation, I moved soundlessly. Why did I go somewhere other than the shoe lockers, despite saying not wanting to come? My head must hurt more than usual.

I pulled out a chair next to Hoshinaka; the metal frame of the chair was just a little more comfortable than the wooden ones in classroom. Right away my tired head fell onto my hands. While unable to fall asleep, the fatigue wrapped around my skull drove me sick.

“You continue to be a great guy today, Niwacchi.”

She rested her phone on the table, beaming a smile.

“Just by not calling me out late in the night, you’ve already improved, Hoshinaka.”

I countered, to which she shrugged humorously, ‘that’s just harsh.’ I, on the other hand, became overcame with sadness: I’m not one to study right after getting home, but I didn’t want to see Hoshinaka either.

“You seem a little blue.”

“My allowance was cut in half. For sneaking out in the last night.”

“Ouch… That’s bad.”

“So? What do you want? We’re not here to stare at the ceiling, are we?”

With a bored jab, I questioned her. Since when was the distance between me and Hosinaka so awkwardly long? We easily held conversations last year.

“Well… A little something just went down.”

She prefaced with a confusing and mysterious sentence. She continued.

“Someone saw us going to the park.”

My blinking stopped. Like having no lead come out from a mechanical pencil despite numerous clicking, the stagnancy worried me.

“Who heard?” I held onto the hope that perhaps my chance of survival will increase by that question.

“My boyfriend.”

Of course. Who else aside from him would it be problematic? After confirming the truth I already know, the storm came. I unlocked my supporting arm; my face slid onto the desk.

“Please spare me from this.” I looked at Hoshinaka with only an eye.

“He hasn’t come after you yet, has he? He might be waiting for you at the shoe locker.”

She didn’t have on a difficult face, just a casual, downcast look.

“Please don’t involve me (僕)… I mean, me (俺).”

“Oh, cut the tough guy talk. Just say ‘me,’ won’t ya?”

Shut up. I (僕) doesn’t suit me (俺), I think. I don’t feel like I’m playing adult, but does feel like wearing shoes an extra size of my feet and almost tripping.

I’ll be able to use ‘me’ (俺) one day, I think.

“He just hung up when I called him, but he apparently changed his mind and called back. He knew I snuck out, and he went around to ask people. Some girl told me she saw me with you.”

I should have known and not walk her home… ‘The road to home is dangerous’ just had a different meaning to me. Warm air from the AC blew by my face.

I looked elsewhere, onto the paper stuck on the wall. Written on the paper was the return dates for loaned books It’s December, nearly the end of the second semester. ‘Please remember to return your books by winter break’ it says. Right, it’s almost winter break, and Christmas… But it’s not relevant to a student preparing for exams.

“So, well, my boyfriend yelled at me.”

She ended the report on a swift note. I don’t know why, but as the warmth left me, the air I’d been holding escaped me. My chest and stomach lost their shape, making me wonder if I was a just filled with air.

“And you’re telling me this why? Shouldn’t you be talking to your boyfriend instead?”

“I guess. But I’m a little scared of him.”

That’s not a proper answer to my concern. It’s like ‘maybe’ on a true-false question.

“Aren’t you a little too relaxed?”

“What do you mean? Who is?”

“I mean you lovebirds. I can’t believe you have the time to be doing this kind of stuff.”

My words were half sardonic and half jealous, but spoken in a way that only the former could be felt. She wouldn’t understand why I’m jealous, anyway.

Hoshinaka froze for a moment. She recovered soon, blinking, and nodded as she gathered herself.

“Gotta get those Youth Points, you know?”

“You don’t get what I’m saying, do you?” She definitely didn’t understand me.

She puts her hands under her head, shortening our distance.

“Y’know.”

“Hm…” I sniffled.

“If I incarnated a hundred times, and meet you every time, I’d probably date you 40 times.”

A little sudden.

But also a little late.

My voice was lost upon those words. Only a flat, toneless sound came.

“Meaning… You’d go for the other guy 60 times.”

What are you expecting me to feel?

“That’s it.”

“Okay…”

The superficial comment ended there. Still, something stuck to my heart; like a turtle in an aquarium tank, it tried to crawl its way out. It wasn’t a funny sensation, and certainly not something I’d want pity over.

“I’m leaving.” With the declaration, I stood up. Pain struck as I got a hold of my backpack; I winced.

Without waiting for Hoshinaka’s response, I headed toward the exit. To the person who didn’t touch the page of a book, the student at the counter gave me a ‘the hell did he come in for?’ look. I wonder, too.

“Sorry, Niwacchi.”

She spoke in a voice that everyone in the room could have heard, to which I couldn’t help but pause in my track.

“It’s too late now…”

I don’t even know why she’s apologizing. Without looking back, I ventured back into the hallway.

The slide door was shut till it would not move anymore.

“I don’t want to enjoy this ‘youth…’”

I cannot become a normal friend with Hoshinaka, and our proper distance was lost.

It’s unfortunate for either of us… I should not have started thinking about this.

If someone were to ask if I like Hoshinaka, I would likely ponder for a while. If I do like her, I would have tried a lot harder last year.

Romantic feelings like sort of like an UFO: It’s not a concrete thing to be found, yet many seek it. Hoping to find a person of admiration or wanting to go further in a single-sided love is correct, just as it is to look for a mysterious flying object.

The issue lies in ‘what was between me and Hoshinaka?’. If we were to discuss the topic of romance before addressing the question, it’d presume that such a thing existed between us. That’s hardly a possibility, I think.

After we became third years, Hoshinaka somehow got a boyfriend. She also went to a different class, and we no longer talked. Even last night was a sudden invitation from her.

Because of that long window, the relationship between me and Hoshinaka was like the season itself, characterised by coldness. Instead of digging up my frozen sentiments, I merely hugged my knees to fight the chill. I even forgot to look at this night sky we shared.

I think, between me and her, there’s a moon.

It’s like the forty times that Hoshinaka spoke of: A person can’t just fly to the moon. He could only look, up at it as it hangs faraway in the sky.

There’s no way she and I could have something like love, and nothing more could be transmitted.

Up until I climbed back up after being socked by Hoshinaka’s boyfriend, that was all that was on my mind. A flash in my memory reminded that he wasn’t waiting by the shoe lockers, but the school’s entrance.

As I noticed him approach, I lamented not having taken the backdoor. I just didn’t want to take the long way home. That’s just how I am, giving up so easily.

Also, calling him ‘boyfriend’ makes it sound like I’m his girlfriend, so I refrained from doing so, instead thinking of his name. Hoshinaka’s never properly introduced him to me, so I don’t really remember. Still, hand caressing my punched cheek, I muttered vaguely what I thought was his name.

“Takimoto.”

“Hah?” His reaction was as short as the time it took for him to recognise me. Judging from that, I called the right name. From then I start to use the name ‘Takimoto.’ Half a head taller than I am, Takimoto took a step back after straightening his knees, refocusing his glare at me. The right fist that landed on my face was still there; apparently, he’s still upset.

The inside of my mouth must have been cut when he punched me. The taste of blood permeated through my nostril. It hurt, but it seemed to have blown away my fatigue as well as my melancholy. Unfortunately, I was merely thinking too much.

Some students were just about to leave. They stared as they passed; it was embarrassing, but thankfully they moved on as I met their look.

“Could you not punch people out of the blue?”

I thought it was a sensible comment, but it was only so before leaving my mouth. The stern look remained on Takimoto’s face — it was like that of a rat drawn on an encyclopaedia.

“What if I asked nicely?” He retorted.

“I’m gonna tell the teachers.”

Though petty a reply, it’s probably the correct one. At least it’s better than raising my fists in retaliation and getting both of us punished. Besides, Takimoto is considered a large guy, and I’m not a fighter. It would be unfair if I managed to land two hits with my twig arms while taking ten from his trunk-like arms, and still get the same punishment.

“Stay the hell away for Ko’umi.”

He ordered. For a moment I pondered what sea this Ko’umi is, then I realised it was Hoshinaka’s name. I’ve long forgotten since I’ve never used it.

“She was the one who called me out.”

“She won’t again, so you better stay clear of her.”

Takimoto, who’d just decided on his own who would be Hoshinaka’s friends, knocked his leg with a fist. Is that like how a horse would kick its back leg?

“Ugh…” Pain finally seeped through my swollen cheek.

Hoshinaka-san is now a princess, and Takimoto her knight. Is that how the characters are put together now?

What does this jerk who seems like he’d get a lot of Youth Points want? Is he gonna pummel me for some EXP? Why don’t you try by spending time with Hoshinaka? This guy is totally wrong.

Something about this is even funnier. I get why he wouldn’t punch his girlfriend, and I agree, but you could at least yell at her. Getting punched by the boyfriend after being invited out by a girl. It’s like a honey trap. I want no more of this.

Hoshinaka aside, it was a waste of time at least with Takimoto.

“Uh oh…” I looked to right, which only had a dried-up tree. As I confirmed that he’d been deceived, I sprung up.

I ran as fast as I could to through the road next to Takimoto. Evidently, he had been played, what with the slow reaction. Was he earnest, or simply dumb? He finally swung his trunk-like arm as I passed; though the back swing hit my back, I casually passed the gate.

The school only allowed students living outside of its district to ride bicycles, so I didn’t have to worry about him catching up to me on one. Naturally, I had to rely on my legs to escape to safety.

I was going to give a wise crack to Takimoto as he followed me out, but with little time to think I simply shouted.

“Perverted kid! Think about your test!”

Whatever I just thought of sounded like a simple complaint. The sentiment of reaping what I sowed, as well as being humiliated flooded; I would have loved to correct myself, but I was already on the road back home under the supposedly-red sky. Takimoto said a few things, but pretending that the cold had my ears trembling, I refused to listen.

My breathing became more erratic; I raised my chin. The sight that welcomed me was, despite it being dusk, the faint silhouette of the moon hanging in the sky. Cutting through the cloud and sunken in the crimson, the moon gave off a weak light that had a different impression. If I reached forward, I might just steal a touch.

But I couldn’t do that.

Giving up was my specialty. My dream of becoming a professional football player was curtailed in elementary school. Though I’ve regretted many things later, I never wanted to challenge anything anymore.

There’s a lot more things in life that I must do before flying to the moon. Probably, yeah…

When I first met Hoshinaka, I (俺) was more like ‘me’ (僕). It was a more natural pronoun, and I had principles. In another year, after breathing the air of a new class, Hoshinaka spoke to me with the force and at a time that was enough to suffocate me. Not that I was trying to play along with her, but I did choke.

“Yo, Niwacchi-kun!”

“Niwa… Cchi-kun?:

I saw her face and tried to remember her, but even if it’s someone I knew, no one had ever called me that. She was merely a classmate I just met. I remember being bashful when the girl called my name; even the tingle of blood surging into my face remains clear in my memory.

I had just become a middle school second year.

“You’re the paper model club president, right? I saw your name on the orientation pamphlet.”

Hoshinaka, with the rolled-up pamphlet on her shoulder, beamed a toothy grin. I nodded as I recall the photo of the school’s entrance printed on the papers.

“I was made that only because we had four members.”

On the second day of joining the senior-less club, I greeted our advising teacher, who then ordered, ‘find a president.’ Club attendance was mandatory in our school, so the four (including me) who joined this empty club pushed about the title of president.

And that’s what happened. I don’t think writing ‘club president’ on my transcript has much use.

“I can’t believe you wrote ‘looking for a club president.’ That’s hilarious. And kinda sad.”

She spoke on with the same smile. Though my smile froze, she seemed to not mind.

“It’s true — I’m no leader material.”

“You said you don’t care who does it, so I guess you’re up, Niwacchi-kun.”

The name ‘Niwacchi-kun’ is so strange that I cannot face her.

Right, what club is Hoshinaka in?

“Oh yeah, Niwacchi-kun.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s paper model? It’s not Origami, is it?”

“I’ll look it up next time.”

“Now that’s a president.”

Because of these small talk, I was able to chat with Hoshinaka even more. After a little investigation, I was able to begin my club life, as trivial as that is.

Hoshinaka and I got along well, and we ended up as good friends. We usually get to talk during cleaning, each with a rag or broom in hand. People who saw us would leave quietly, and that’s how we were. We don’t prioritise one another, but we were always together whenever possible. That’s the kind of natural relationship we had. It wasn’t anything suffocating, sort of like being able to feel the floor under the water.

Still, as friendly as we were, I could never do something as bold as calling her by her first name. She calls me ‘Niwacchi,’ a strange nickname. It would be a lie to say I didn’t see her as a girl then. It’s definitely a feeling of attraction, but not quite love. I think.

Like admiring the stars, but never having the passion to build a rocket.

The distance between me and her which can never be shortened was easy and comfortable. It changed, gradually. Instead of closer, it grew further apart.

It moved apart, slowly, like the moon and the Earth.

By the time I realised, our distance was like that between planets.

I ruminated on these things, rolling around in bed. The sun had gone. Someone called for me from downstairs. Doesn’t this seem like when I got beat up by Takimoto? I could not stand how simple my thought process was, and got up. The strange sensation on my left cheek prompted me to touch it; my brows furrowed at the resulting sting. Right, Takimoto punched me. Wasn’t I just thinking about this?

“Damn!” If I forget my English vocabularies or math formulas because of that, before I could feel anxious during the actual test, I’d wonder if all that time spend studying was wasted. It’s both depressing and annoying to have the make that judgement. I remember some Tachibana guy once wrote, ‘A completed manuscript may not be rejected, but it sucks when it does.’ I don’t remember where it’s from or what his name was though.

“Makoto~” Mother called again from downstairs. “Coming!” The incessant calls annoyed me, so I dashed out. The repercussion of running into the wall ached from the side of my head, but I continued downward. I jumped off from the last three steps, landing on the hallway.

A surge of pang flashed through my head. “Agh…” A sense of vertigo, the pain and pulse went in and out as if respiring.

The hallway was different than my warm room: Cold is after all not advised for headaches.

“What are you doing?”

Seemingly irked, my mother, who was waiting by the hallway, spoke. I lifted my head, which felt much heavier than usual, to see her holding the telephone in her chest. A tiny frame and a somewhat youthful appearance, my mother stood there presumptuously and comedically.

“Why do you have to be in such a hurry? It’s not safe.”

Then don’t call me twice. “What is it?” She often calls me for things like sliced apples, so I thought perhaps it’s something similar this time.

“It’s a call for you: A girl is asking if a ‘Niwacchi-kun’ is here. That’s you, right?”

Hoshinaka. Here comes the name that nailed my stomach together. She’s calling me again after yesterday. She’s not asking me to go in her stead to meet Takimoto in the park, is she? I already begged her to not in the library, guess it didn’t work.

Hehehe… My mother had an infuriating grin on her face.

“If it’s not school related, then she’s your girlfriend? You can’t go on a night date, though. Actually, you can’t go out in the night at all.”

“Shut up, I know.”

I just happened to have picked up the phone yesterday, but I’m a little embarrassed this time to have my mother answer and call for me instead.

“’Niwacchi-kun’ could have been dad, you know. It might be whoever he’s an affair with.”

“If that’s who he’s sleeping with, then the police would have arrested him long before I laid my hands on him.”

She’s not wrong. I stole the phone away from my obviously excited mother. “Here come the police~” Making my escape from my mother, whatever horrible cries she’s emitting, I went upstairs. There was an urge to just toss the machine down the stairs, but instead of getting yelled at by Hoshinaka, I’d risk the wrath of my mother, so I endured.

“What? Can’t you at least use my name when you call?”

“Sorry? I forgot.”

The voice on the other end was not that of whoever dad’s having an affair with, but of my acquaintance Hoshinaka. Her cheerful voice was not like the traffic light, of which the lights would dim and brighten at moment’s notice.

“Was that your mom? Or your sister?”

“That’s my mother. It’s obvious from the way she talks, isn’t it?”

I could feel the warmth mixed with the cold as soon as I walked upstairs. Due to the door being open, the AC escaped out onto the hallway. Hurryingly, I shut the door as I entered.

“So, what do you want this time? I’m not going to the library or the park.”

I warned her first — This is retribution for stabbing my stomach. Hoshinaka just laughed awkwardly.

“Well… I just wanted to know what happened after you left.”

What? I don’t get what’s she getting at. If our literature exams are filled with similar questions, then my mock exam score will probably just barely dodge a bullet.

Still, this should be good practise for communicating with others.

And the question itself would mean she doesn’t know about Takimoto punching me yet.

“Not a whole lot. Just that Takimoto punched me in the face when he saw me.”

I spoke a bit sarcastically, but the other end did not give me my sense of satisfaction.

“Takimoto? Niwacchi, isn’t that, like, assault? You need to find better friends.”

Ignore the latter half, but from her questioning tone of the first half I could tell I’ve gotten her boyfriend’s name wrong. I got socked by some guy whose name I don’t even know. My student life isn’t this radical, if I recall correctly. The tests must be messing with my mind.

“Actually, you can’t exactly call that a friend, can you.”

“Yeah, so, anyway, it’s all good. All’s fine and dandy.”

“Very well. Tis good, then.”

With a strange and almost theatrical accent, she replied. I should have told her to end the conversation entailing that.

The air and silence tortured my ears and tongue, disallowing me to just hang up.

And so, I delayed moving the phone downstairs for later and sat down on my bed. Puff! Dust from the sheets and the tepid AC air filled my lungs. I submerged myself into what felt like warm liquid pouring into my body — including the temperature, it’s not at all comfortable.

“So then… Uh… You still there?”

Perhaps because of my silence, Hoshinaka, unsure what to say, checked for my presence.

We probably were able to feel one another’s existence.

“I am.”

“Thank goodness.” What do you mean?

“Your boyfriend is gonna be mad again if he heard about you calling me.”

My complaint was poignant, but correct. ‘Wuu,’ she held her breath after what sounded like having someone stabbed you in the chest with a finger. With nothing else to say I waited for her to speak.

“He was really mad. I even wondered if that’s why they call it ‘the fire of rage.’”

“Of course he would be.”

Somehow, I could agree with that statemen — not so much with being punched.

“Why would he be?”

“A girl you’re going out with went to see a different guy at night, that doesn’t sound too good.”

What does she want a bachelor to say? That’s why’s the end of my reply wasn’t at all persuasive. Dissatisfied with my answer, Hoshinaka gave an example.

“Then, if my boyfriend were to go see another girl on the weekend, can I get mad too and not study for the test?”

“I guess. Taki— I mean, your boyfriend isn’t actually that smooth, is he?”

He does look like he’s one of with the ratmen. Can’t argue with how well rats multiply either.

“Probably not. It’s just an analogy.”

Then why don’t you take your analogy to him instead of me. He, of course, wouldn’t agree so easily. Plus talking about this is useless.

We could probably talk about something else.

“Um… Well…”

“Well?”

“No, nothing.” I’m just beating around the bush.

Why are you calling me?

Do you like me?

Even if it were through the phone, asking something like that would have made me an amazing person long ago. It’s likely a misunderstanding. This time, however, I believe both she and I have mistaken one another for something. It’s rare, and certainly not a good thing.

Hoshinaka must not comprehend the thing which exists between me and her. It’s futile even if I told her it’s the moon. There might be an alien hideout on the dark side of the moon… No, of course not.

Damn, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. This has nothing to do with the aliens.

“Just… Don’t call me so often.”

“Aw, don’t sweat the small stuff. Just Youth it!”

She spoke like it was with a thumb’s up.

“I have no idea what you’re on about.”

I don’t know what this ‘youth’ is, aside from what the dictionary has to say about it.

“And could you please go find your boyfriend for this kind of stuff instead?”

I shot a glance at the desk. The reference books and practise questions piled there like in a bookstore. It saddens me to know that the money spent on those were supposed to go to my deep-sea creature encyclopaedia collection.

It’s absolutely awful to prepare for exams. Same goes to the me, who’s preparing to take on such things. Because it’s so awful that you start to lose things around you. Things in my heart, naturally, were taken on a whim.

Allowance. Leisure. Time. Health. If it could be taken gradually like a charity donation to keep me on the treacherous road of exam preparation, then could they decide my position based on how much I’ve given? From the standpoint of my mock exam scores, though, it will be quite difficult.

“My boyfriend… It’s fine. Of course I love him.”

I sniffed hard when she spoke. Though unintentional, it was the noise that drowned that part of her words.

“But, I don’t know, whenever I thought of being young, you’re what shows up in my head.”

“That doesn’t quite fit my image.”

“I know. I know how often you update your ‘time spent single’ status.”

“Shut up.”

As much as I denied it, I could understand a little of what she meant. That’s why I couldn’t just hang up on her when she called.

“But I’m still looking for Youth from you.”

“What do you propose me to do?”

“So just go and enjoy Youth!”

“And what is this youth…?”

I turned my head while listening to the receiver. Cleaning my already impeccable room, I looked for what qualifies as ‘youth.’ Oh… There it is. It’s not mine, but there’s something outside that emanated just that.

“I see. Enjoy, huh…”

“Niwacchi?”

“Here’s what I’m gonna do.”

“Mm?”

“I’m gonna stare at the sky from my room. You should join me, Hoshinaka.”

I could see the moon. We usually communicate through the celestial body that hanged high in the evening sky.

To string the line on the moon and make a long-distance call.

We might not be able feel one another, but our abstract thoughts will appear.

In any case, I stared at the clear sky from the window.

Even if looking at the deep sea is a mere pipe dream, it’s not so bad looking at the dark sky that resembles it.

“I can’t. My phone’s on my house’s shoebox.”

She dumped the bucket of water on me. The silhouette of the moon seemed to die a little.

“Is there a reason why you never want to stargaze?”

I asked curiously. ‘Let’s go stargazing at the park,’ she said so yesterday. She never once looked up.

Upon the query, a faint laughter came from the receiver.

“You should save stargazing with someone else. It’s an ace for Youth points, you know?”

“Hah? So what exactly is this ‘Youth Point?’”

If that’s a vocab for modern literature, I need to at least know its meaning.

“Well… Nothing, really. It’s just something I made up.”

Demanding someone else to do something that she won’t. There’s a lot of say about that. Plus, what she does isn’t what my common sense could tolerate.

Could it be that Hoshinaka sees that hypocritical or irrational thinking ‘Youth?’

But it’s only going to cause problems for either of us if you seek that from me. Do not expect anything dramatic between me and her. The only conclusion is like the calm of water passing.

Even if something were to happen, it’s only going to be a little bit of nothing.

“So you get it? Don’t call me again if your boyfriend doesn’t know.”

For the sake of hanging up on her, I told her in a roundabout manner.

But if her boyfriend knew and let her do it, I’d feel even more insulted.

“I know. I will do that if I feel like it.”

“Hey now…”

“Thanks for spending time with me again. Goodbye.”

With that as the closing, she hung up. I listened for a bit, letting the beeping of our severed call fill my ear drums.

I was obviously confounded. Will I be able to focus on studying tonight?

“I guess this is also a form of pervert, isn’t it?”

I lied down after putting the phone down on my desk. ‘Hm~’ I hugged my arms.

Was the light hitting my eyelids from the bulb, or the moon?

Two days passed without me being attacked by Takimoto (which is wrong, but it’s easier to use that name) or receiving a call from Hoshinaka. Since he’s not a radical, the former shouldn’t come to my house after the weekend.

He’s probably also preparing for his exams. I bet he also aspires to go the same school Hoshinaka is going.

“How lovely.”

I leaned back into the chair in my room while quietly whispering his goal that I just made up. It was now a frigid Sunday morning too difficult to be lazy on. Sun saturated outside the window, yet could not breach into the room.

My other friends are probably also giving up their day-off for the tests while staring at this cold sun.

The back of the mechanical pencil in between my teeth, I took a breather staring at the ceiling. I was sick of writing more Kanji. Graphite had darkened my right hand which had plastered the notebook. The whole situation reminded me when I was practising Kanji during grade school. What I mean is I didn’t skip out on doing those.

“But, is passing the certification test going to affect my grade at all?”

The school made us take the test, and I did. Having an award in the room is quite nice as a decoration, I suppose. I didn’t get that perfect attendance reward in grade school though.

And that’s how I slacked off while making the ancient chair squeak. As I continued putting off work, the phone rang downstairs. I straightened the chair, irritated as though someone had just woken me up from an afternoon nap. Putting the pencil down first, I stood.

My parents were already gone when I went downstairs after getting up, so it was up to me to pick it up. While regretting about the fact that the phone wasn’t on the second floor, I ran into the hall and down the stairs yelling, ‘coming!’ Again, at the last few flights, I jumped. It’s a habit at this point.

It’s still ringing. Déjà vu, as I put the phone to my ear.

“Niwa residence.” I was full prepared to hear ‘Niwacchi,’ but the voice called me ‘Niwa.’ It was even a man’s, and a familiar one at that.

“Oh, it’s you, Aihara. What’s up?” Hearing the voice of a friend I’ve known since grade school, my face relaxed.

“Not much. I was just wondering if you’re free. Wanna go out for a bit if you are?”

“Aihara, what do you think a day-off before exams is for?”

“Yet here I am, somehow very bored.”

“Right. Of course you are.”

It’s almost with certainty that Aihara will be recommended into a private high school. In the gloomy classroom, he’s one of the few cheery people. He does, however, promptly banishes himself from the classroom after school’s out.

“I’m not gonna make ya, unless you’re really free.”

“Going out, huh… Got a place in mind?”

“Nope. Let’s go for burgers.”

“Why not find a girl if you’re going for lunch?”

“Mako-chan, if I had one I wouldn’t be asking you.”

“Don’t call me that.”

An ominous disgust crept up to me for some reason.

“Well?”

I turned to look at the kitchen. I don’t recall a meal made for me.

“Alright, I’ll go. Not for too long though.”

“Oh~ Not bad. That’s the kind of guy you are?”

“I don’t plan on staying wishy-washy.”

“You sound a little stressed, man. Whatever. Let’s meet up at the store on the way to school, shall we?”

“Right. Got it.”

“I’m waiting for ya, Kikuchi~”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll talk about that graduation trip.”

It’s a joke that only works because he’s Aihara. Can’t believe he knows the series too. I rested the receiver. On the back of the advertisement pamphlet left next to the phone as notes, I wrote down about going out.

After leaving that note, I turned.

I ran upstairs for my wallet.

Though dubious of how much insulation the clothes will provide, I’m not about to test them out one by one in this weather. I put my utter faith in them. It’s so cold — Even with the heavy covers my skin had already declared defeat.

Fortunately, before beginning to regret not eating cup ramen at home, I’ve arrived at our rendezvous. Then I searched the people passing by.

“Oh? There you are.”

He found me first. Aihara, with just as much cover as I had, approached. Since both of us lived nearby, neither rode a bike here.

I greeted him with lips shut tightly against the wind. “Hey.”

“You’re as forgettable as ever.”

“That stupid face of yours is not good sign on a day off.”

I’ll leave it up to you to decide who said what. After meeting up, we went into the burger shop. As a side note, I’ve always thought this ‘burger shop’ word is weird.

Perhaps because it’s midday on a weekend, there’re many families with children in there. In addition, the new merchandise displayed on the register was on sale, which is also probably why so many came.

After lining up, we finished our order and paid separately. Instead of the regular dining tables, we chose the seats near the windows to wait for our food to come.

“I asked two people first before calling you, Niwa. They weren’t up for it.”

He opened his mouth; I replied while taking the scarf off.

“Okay.”

“One of ‘em was a chick.”

“So you were already shut down by one.”

Guess he didn’t need my advice. I actually thought he did something impressive. It takes quite a bit of courage to ask out a girl on a weekend as a country-side middle schooler.

“How’s the studying going, master?”

He half-joking asked. That’s what you call courtesy words.

“It’s going.”

“Whatever that means~”

He laughed drily. Not like there’s much we have in common, anyway.

“Oh yeah, I heard you were in a fight. Is that true?”

“Hm? Oh…” He meant with Takimoto’s fist. So it’s spread, huh.

“Is that why you called me up?”

Hehehe… Aihara laughed as though getting a dirty joke. Bingo.

“I gotta find some guy who can give me a little excitement, you know?”

“Right. Too bad you’re gonna be disappointed. It wasn’t even a fight.”

“Really? I heard you fought a big dude for some girl.”

I smiled bitterly at the strange rumour.

Leaning forward, I rested my chin on the table.

“I just got beat up. The bruise’s already gone.”

“So you did get socked. Now that’s youth.”

He laughed at my injury. That’s what you call ‘youth?’ This isn’t boxing, you know.

“What is this ‘youth?’”

“It’s about dating, making memories at the cultural festival and stuff.”

Without mincing words, he replied rather weakly. Whoa! So that’s Youth.

And it seems like it’s got nothing to do with me. None of those applied for my experience.

“Oh?”

Just as I began the game of knocking the table with my chin, I saw some familiar faces.

It’s Hoshinaka and Takimoto. Regardless of what that guy’s name is, I know the first name to be right. Hoho! A date. How free of them. How lovely, I referred to the same phrase spoken in that reverie earlier.

But looking closely, they seemed to be exchanging their feelings in an odd manner. They stared at one another in the alley from across, discussing something. Oh… And they split up.

Takimoto this way, while Hoshinaka the other. A fight?

“What’s wrong?”

Aihara squinted at the road. He either didn’t see them, or flat out doesn’t know them. ‘Nothing,’ I said, despite of the complicated feelings building up.

Can’t believe I’d see the source of my headache when I came out for a stroll. Perhaps the world is created by things we least expected it to be. But ignore who it is created by.

Hoshinaka’s silhouette is just about to fade from my sight.

“Hahh…” With a deep sigh I wrapped the scarf back on.

“Sorry, mind if I head out for a bit?”

“Hm? Sure. Can I have your food?”

“Of course not. And I’m not leaving. Be right back!”

I stood up and dashed out of the store. Light’s green, and I crossed the road.

In order to avoid Takimoto, I went out of the way to search for Hoshinaka, who was about fade into the crowd. I don’t know why either, so it felt empty.

By either turning or raising my arms, I cut between the crowd and fast approached her. As I closed, I wondered how I should address her. So I kept my arm toward her back, temporarily keeping pace with her. I must have looked strange to the bystanders.

“Um… Ahem! Ahem!”

I tried coughing. It looked like an excuse, but it worked. Hoshinaka stopped and turned around.

“Niwacchi…” She called me first, then her eyes grew. A reversed surprise reaction, how unique.

We stopped in the road where people were bumping each other constantly. We did not move — from the meaning alone, it’s the right image.

“What’s the matter?”

That line was as if she’d finally sorted out the questions on her mind.

“I was out for walk when I saw you. Felt like I should at least say hi.”

“Oh?”

She didn’t appear convinced. She probably doesn’t know that it is me who is constantly chasing after her; perhaps finally settled, Hoshinaka walked to the side of the walkway. I followed.

“This must be the first time I’ve seen you on a weekday, Niwacchi.”

“I guess. Where’s the boyfriend?”

I tried to play dumb. Hoshinaka shot a glance at me, seemingly worried with her lips shut. After calming down, she replied casually.

“I was just with him. But he got mad and left.”

“Oh? That’s too bad.”

Unsure what to say, I could only play along.

She exhaled slowly and explained concisely the cause.

“I heard that he punched you, so I told him he shouldn’t have.”

Guess he finally told her. It isn’t exactly something you can say with a grin, though.

It’s probably also not worth bragging about beating me up.

“That’s why you fought?”

“Mm…”

She nodded. Leaning against the building, her gaze appeared tired.

“Is it wrong to say violence is bad?”

“Depends on when and where.”

“Are you fine with being punched, Niwacchi?”

Hell no. Because of how rhetorical the question was, I answered with silence.

She did not press on, instead looking toward the road. With those cold eyes she captured the scenery; I merely stared at her. From those tightly-shut lips she revealed her teeth, as if words would come out. Yet, she swallowed them.

“I have to go. Sorry.”

With that declaration, we are now in a completely reversed position a few days ago in the library.

It’s not like I want a date with her, but hearing her say that, I decided I had to see her off silently. Hoshinaka seemed apologetic, turning her head back many times. But her feet never stopped.

She went further and further away. Visually seeing how she’s disappear in the distance — It’s better this way.

At least when compared to the distance between us which faded without anyone’s knowledge.

Like me now, left to stand there on the sidewalk, but without Aihara waiting for me in the restaurant, and talking to myself.

“Thing’s really crappy recently.”

A nameless something pulled me and Hoshinaka together and fixed us there. Distance is a fine thing: It will never be properly set if you ignore it.

Is that why Hoshinaka asked me out to the park that night?

Yet I couldn’t reach the moon, merely exacerbating the pain of struggle.

“……”

Ah…

This is it.

I don’t know what this youth is, but any more of this…

Nothing will end, and nothing can begin.

No matter in what form.

No matter how big or small, or if the result will depress me somehow.

I have to put an end to this.

It’s the only way for me to focus on the exam.

The exams are truly terrible. It’s all their fault.

Next week, I studied on Monday.

Tuesday I studied.

Wednesday too.

Thursday omitted.

Friday.

I stopped Hoshinaka after school…

“Let’s go out tonight.”

It’s Christmas.

I don’t recall signing a paper about never leaving at night.

So I accepted going out this time. It’s quite an optimistic thought for the me as of late. Clank, clank, the bike emitted a sound like something’s missing.

The night of Christmas. On a weekday, there’s no such thing as lit-up skyscrapers in the sticks. It might be a little more raucous in downtown, but sadly I was going by the fields. Not a single soul was partying in the farm.

I never see anyone happy after school either. Perhaps in the countryside, it’s too early even for people my age to be spending Christmas together. Or maybe it’s just the age when one would want to avoid appearing happy for the holiday. You kind of need to be a little hot-blooded to truly enjoy middle school.

White breath trailed behind. As my finger felt my face, I could sense a bit of warmth. I almost feel the bottom of my nose falling off after a few sniffles. I could never get used to this cold.

I checked again to see if she’s following. Indeed there’s a bike rolling along.

Hoshinaka was behind me. She agreed without a second thought after I had invited her. The conversation followed.

“Let’s go out tonight.”

“What?”

I told her so just as we’re about to pass one another in the after-school hallway. Hoshinaka froze. Naturally it wasn’t just me and her in the hallway, what with the students exiting from their classes.

It’s was the replay of me and her in the middle of the road that weekend.

“Niwacchi, what did you say?”

She spoke collectedly, but on her face was a serious countenance.

In order to keep my face up, I bluffed by raising my nose.

“Well… I’m inviting you out.”

After forcing her to come with me, I then explained that I was inviting her out. That’s just laughable. The initial on-the-spot comment weakened me, and embarrassment rushed into my neck like blood.

“Are you asking me out, Niwacchi?”

Hoshinaka pointed at her chin with a finger.

“Yep.”

Her eyes waved as if the surface of water.

“Because it’s Christmas?”

“That’s one of the reasons.”

I knew my face must be red from ear to jaw, so I shut my eyes. Because no matter what, my face will be reflected and seen by my own eyes.

In the limited field of vision, only the voice of Hoshinaka guided my ears.

“Okay. Sure.”

That was it. Now I can’t yell at her for not asking her boyfriend first.

But why should her boyfriend even hear about this? I thought.

Hoshinaka followed me without a word, but she couldn’t hold it in anymore. She spoke.

“Where are we headed?”

“The mountain.”

I answered precisely while keeping ahead. The clanking of the wheel was like voices thrown in.

“The mountain? That’s a little strange, Niwacchi.”

“No~ No~ Yes. Mountain.”

“We’re gonna die if we go hiking in weather like this.”

“It’s fine. We’re not going anywhere high anyway.”

There’s no mountain that high here anyway. At most we got something a little taller than a hill.

And that’s where we were headed on our bikes.

Nothing in particular happens in this town — that’s why we have to be more proactive. I am now about to go live a life that’s not written in the exam preparation books.

I have not been to this hill since I was a grade schooler. And it wasn’t because I had business there: I merely passed by it to visit another place.

No lights from cars zoomed by, as though the in-name-only state road had nothing to do with the month of December. Only the headlights of two bicycles carved through the darkness consuming the path. We wordlessly hinted ourselves of our next three months in school.

I remembered a little something: I remember going as fast as I could, trying to break the record of highest speed on a bicycle. I was on a straight road just like this one, peddling on my bike. I crashed in the end.

The wheel broke, and I cried my way home. Just why was I trying so hard?

“Ah… Take a right here.”

“Um… Niwacchi? Why are you taking me into the mountain?”

“We’re gonna do whatever you want.”

“I wish to be eating a bean paste bun at the store.”

“Alright, stop whining.”

Let’s go find that on the mountain.

Though pretty sure convenient stores on the mountains are all homes of bandits or whatever.

With the metal tower with red lights shining as the goal, I turned right. Hoshinaka followed — she must have thought that going back now would be a waste of energy. Thankfully she wasn’t complaining all the time.

“You aren’t planning on having a Christmas party in a shrine there, are you?”

“Ask your boyfriend tomorrow if that’s what you want.”

We entered a road with multiple forks. I don’t plan on walking through the hiking trails: We are going the entire way on the road. It’s ‘more like it’ this way.

As I am still a third year in middle school, I believe in my way. We rode, on the mountainous path that seemed like it’s been cut abruptly into the environment. It had no lanes, and snaked along the ground. It was so small that if a truck carrying stuff were to come from the other side, we’d be flattened. The last time I was here, we were on a field trip.

“It’d be a little problematic if I don’t make it home tonight.”

“You will. Relax.”

Just running out here tonight is already too much for me. If I stayed out my parents would murder me. Actually, Takimoto would probably do that first.

Shuffling of the grass swaying in the wind came from around. They stood, perfunctorily blocking our way. Their vigour were as if they would devour us if we somehow become entangled.

We made it pass the prairie-like zone and continued upward. Gradually the incline grew, and so did the burdens of the pedals. It was rough, and I bet it must be even more so for Hoshinaka, who didn’t know where we were going. I’ve actually already decided on where to go, just that I haven’t decided where it will be.

That’s why I decided that until one of us said he or she couldn’t do it anymore that we’d keep going. I also kept track of whether we can make it home safely. On that note, we’re pretty much at the limit.

“Alright, almost there.”

I tried a sudden proclamation. Hoshinaka exhaled in relief, ‘finally.’

We entered a path slightly off the paved road. The overgrown snagging onto the wheels almost stopped them, but we made it eventually. After gingerly traversing the woods, we came upon a slightly open area. The wind blew, to which I shut my eye.

It’s a tall, almost cliff-life place. A misstep would fill the night with screams.

I parked my bike; Hoshinaka too stopped hers half a wheel away from mine. She looked toward me.

“This is where you wanted to go?”

She asked, slightly out of breath. While I am too, I moved my slightly-raised jaw downward. The motion blocked my throat for a bit, almost stopping my breathing.

“Oh yeah. Didn’t your boyfriend ask you out today?”

Before the real deal, I started casually. I could hear the grass being stepped on after I put my left foot down.

Man-made noises couldn’t reach here. The only thing clear here is the wind’s howl. And the cold.

“No. We fought, so it wasn’t exactly the mood. He probably won’t call me today, either.”

Hoshinaka answered with what could be attributed as a lonely reply. The wind’s howl that sounded like escaped air came from somewhere, diving above our heads. For a moment, I saw the movement of air on the cables.

“…Well, it doesn’t matter either way.”

After that extended inhale, I breathed out — the real deal.

The stars are far, and I have not the strength to take the moon. With no ways to fly up, there was no chance for me to close our distance.

So I could make as much noise here, as to hope it would spread to the moon.

It’s the most I could do.

“I think we should call it good.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s let go of what we’re holding onto.”

I lazily pointed at the world that exist above, far, far away.

“Isn’t stargazing the ace of youth?”

Now’s the time.

“Come on, look up.”

“Ah…”

The phone,

The wall,

The coffee can. Without those distractions in the way, Hoshinaka listened obediently to my words.

In a motion that I thought delicate, she slowly peered up.

Finally satisfied, I too looked upward.

In the dark sky, that which both she and I expected glittered.

“Whoa…”

The sky, as though breathing, decorated itself with clouds. A few stars scattered themselves in and between the white bodies.

Breathtakingly beautiful objects, gathered together and shined with only their distance from the Earth in common.

As if to drill into us how alive the sky truly was, the wind would sometimes nudge us gently.

I asked for her thought without batting an eye.

“Here’s that Youth action you’ve been asking for. What do you think of the way I put it?”

Her reply was a question. That’s a guaranteed zero on the literature exam.

“Niwacchi, were you always so romantic?”

“I’m about three times more than the usual. It is Christmas, after all.”

It’s a bit of a destructive self-assurance.

Because we’re all from the middle of nowhere, I think of it as a bit lame and was embarrassed by it.

“It’s a bit dark tonight. Or, I should say, the night’s thick.”

“Of course.”

Hearing my doubtless answer, Hoshinaka had the exact response I’d predicted.

“Why?”

Here comes the information I didn’t get myself.

“Because it’s a new moon tonight. It’s pretty rare on a Christmas.”

Hoshinaka chuckled a little upon hearing my report.

“A moon-less Christmas… Isn’t that quite an omen?”

“Quiet you. Who cares.”

I rested my torso on the bike’s handlebars, and my chin onto my arms. My right foot rested on the pedal, tapping it like a horse, while my left on the grass.

“Since the moon is gone, who cares.”

After I said so, Hoshinaka, who sat properly on her bike, tilted her head inquisitively. Because of the moon, our distance can never be closed. Naturally, it is all gone today. The stars — they’re why the moon’s gone.

“Is this enough for your so-called, ‘my youth?’”

I intentionally held the answer back, making sure Hoshinaka’s satisfied. She said nothing, however.

“Forget about me already. Stay with your boyfriend, won’t you?”

“You know I can’t just do that, hahah.”

She tried to play it off with a dumb laughter, but I know the topic is not quite ready to end.

But…

Whatever mysterious thing that existed between us should end now.

“You know, when I think about us.”

“Mm…”

“I think it would be great if we could stargaze when we’re much closer.”

I did feel resentful of the truth I spoke. It is the kind of resentment, the useless kind that faded into the mountain.

But before it all left my lung and body, the regret continued.

“Then we would have been in those forty times.”

Before looking back at the stars, I turned to Hoshinaka to see how she was. Her breath was already back to normal, and she smiled quietly. It was, however, the kind that was frozen in the wind.

“Is it too late?”

She questioned softly. I nodded deeply. My eyes, nose and mouth felt the wind.

“Yes. It’s too late. Not even a sky like this could fix this gap between me and you now.”

A balloon that’s flown out of hand’s reach.

We just now saw that it was still floating today.

And we have to see to it that it’s the last thing we do, and end the act of looking back.

It sucks.

It doesn’t do much.

It is not possible to witness a miracle in the country side.

Because that’s how I carefully experience Youth, in a way suitable for me.

“Let’s end this.”

So that we may get along in the future.

I’m not quite ready to make the trip to moon yet.

“Mm…” She assented lightly. I asked her in a slightly nostalgic tone.

“Do you really agree with what I’m saying?”

“I do. Don’t you feel lonely now, Niwacchi.”

“I’ll be fine. Don’t call me on the phone anymore, alright?”

“I know. What about a New year card?”

“That I will gladly take.”

Sometimes I wish for double-digit amount of postcards.

I ignored the spreading glows of Christmas light beneath the mountain.

“Niwacchi.”

“Hm?”

“It’s cool to stargaze, but it’s pretty boring.”

“You just have to say it…”

Can’t you conceal whatever is on your mind with that youth whatever? Because even I’m feeling it.

It’s like going to watch the sea but end up getting tired of it.

“You’ll never enjoy Youth to the most if you keep this up.”

Strange words escaped her lips.

“So what do you propose?”

“This.”

Hoshinaka’s hand approached. It was not on its way to reach the stars, merely extending horizontally.

The cold fingers lightly touched my hand. I looked at her. Silently moving her bike forward, she rolled up next to me without looking my way, eyes focusing at only the sky.

Perhaps because a little numb, Hoshinaka’s fingers gripped tightly onto mine. The joints rubbed against each other. It hurt, but not a single finger was left to break her grip.

“The moon’s hiding tonight.”

She spoke briefly, as if to erase that usual sense of distance I felt.

Naturally those were words to hide her own embarrassment.

This was the last time me and Hoshinaka were together, trying, bashfully, to warm each other’s hands up.

“What are you, a poet?”

“Oh, shut up. Weren’t you embarrassed too just then?”

“Shut up.” She’s right.

I haven’t held a girl’s hand like this since kindergarten.

I never considered apologising to Takimoto, neither did I feel guilt.

I held hands with Hoshinaka, not for love or friendship, but for farewell.

Through the tips of our fingers, we conveyed what existed in the past, with regrets almost spawning from the touch. With everything ended, we could only share this moment of embarrassment.

But the only way to make up our mind and go forward to the unknown, is to have a steel-like past, so that we may never escape. Hoshinaka and I must move on. No, we wish we can move on.

So that one day, we may be able to traverse the moon with someone else.

To put off some of the awkwardness, I spoke to the person on the other side of my fingers.

“How many points would this be? To your Youth Point.”

“Five!”

'This was the last time me and Hoshinaka were together, trying, bashfully, to warm each other’s hands up.'

How many points is that out of anyway?

“Niwacchi, which way is to your house?”

“I really don’t get what you’re saying.”

I commented on the words Hoshinaka let out when we’re riding on the road.

“Where, pray tell, does gentle Niwacchi-kun reside?”

“Oh~ The next turn on this road.”

“Guess we’re saying bye here, then.”

Hoshinaka braked on her bicycle. The wheels stopped spinning, making a screeching noise. While I didn’t have to, out of courtesy I stopped as well.

I looked back at her from slightly ahead. Her smile was a little more uncanny than usual. Her eyes darted, unsure what the grin meant.

“I live the other way.”

Without looking, she pointed backward.

“Why didn’t you say so from the start?”

“I just needed come, so I can go too.”

Her smile finally settled as she said so, like the moon finally revealing herself from the cloud.

“Niwacchi, I don’t hate you!”

“Me too!”

“Today was the first I’ve spent Christmas with someone else! Bye!”

She raised the front end of her bike, and, turning the bike on its rear wheel, began cycling. The melody of wheels spinning in the serene darkness shook every inch of my ear drum more so than the intermittent noise of cars from the road far away.

Pale air leaked from my teeth. It spread, like wings, in the winter breeze. All sorts of pain assaulted my senses as the wind smacked into my dried face and eyes.

“Me too.”

I said so to the back that drew further away.

My parents will definitely give me an earful when I get home. Will they take all my allowances away?

Just that was enough for me to be regretful of tonight’s action.

If more things I approve of appear, it’d be worth it.

Following Hoshinaka’s example, I began a steady trip back.

And the dumbass spending his Christmas alone on a bike shouted at the sky.

“I wanna girlfriend, dammit!”

What did my first ever Christmas spent with a non-family member bring? I am not befitted to analyse such a thing. So I’ll leave it like that. I should just believe that it gave me the drive to live on.

It’d been a whole year since I spend that Christmas with Hoshinaka. I managed to get into my choice of school, and despite having a phone, I still don’t have a girlfriend. I can’t blame the tests anymore, so that’s a little painful. It’s all so laughable, even the me who cursed the tests for everything.

I still run into Hoshinaka sometimes on the way to school. Since she was always with her boyfriend, however, we never stopped and talked when we pass each other by. The moon between Hoshinaka and me, except for that night of new moon, never disappeared. I mean, not much I can do about the sixty times.

It was now the January of me becoming a High School first year. After new year, my parents told me about their job relocation and transferring. I don’t know if shocking is the appropriate word for describing this, because whatever knowledge I’ve acquired for the tests at that time were all gone. I was taken aback, but also overjoyed.

A life of almost-independence was appealing to me. I’ve never met the aunt I will be spending time with, but since she’s the sister of my stoic father, she must be someone of similar calibre. Because she works, she probably won’t bother me too much — it’s the perfect environment for me.

And what do I mean by perfect? Youth Points of course. It matters not who came up with it, but I decided to invest my youth onto the increase of said points. Kind of like picking up where Hoshinaka left off, if you will.

What existed between me and Hoshinaka then was Youth. I don’t think it was love or friendship: We weren’t mature, and we didn’t think of others or even each other. We merely stuck our hands out clumsily, like sitting next to one another, yet reaching for the moon high up in the sky.

And, without recognising it, we made fools of each other. Without knowing our distance, we believed that all we had to do was to hold hands. At that age, we were driven by something that could only be created then. So we tried, as hard as we could. This so-called youth isn’t referring to being young or having the vigour — it’s to be able to fulfill ‘the wishes of any given moment.’

From that viewpoint, me and Hoshinaka had our moments of youth — even if it was just the forty times that brushed our shoulders. We may have given up and even took the long way, but we got that special ‘+4’ in our heart. It might have been a 5 point for her, but I don’t mind lowering it.

The perfect Youth Score is a five for me, so it’s a bit stricter.

So, well, not even the transfer is a big deal.

Because I will be able to delineate my own Youth in the upcoming year and get even more points.

This year has been filled with setbacks, though. The place I’m going will be livelier than here.

“Once I get to the city, uh… I wanna go to the beach with a girl. Maybe we’ll jump into the sea together.”

I cheerfully packed my stuff on the Sunday before leaving. For once, I was truly happy.

My mind was filled with Youth Points that would be enough for me to reach the moon of my yet-to-exist girlfriend.

Translator's Notes and References

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