Editing Gekkou:Volume 1 Moonlight
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"It was shortly after I started high school when I found her recipe purely by chance—" |
"It was shortly after I started high school when I found her recipe purely by chance—" |
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− | It was calm and musing.<!-- "It"? Not "She"?--><!-- Yes. Give it the 'Garfield minus Garfield' treatment and string his sentences together without her being quoted in the middle: "I leaned a little forward to sneak a peek at her expression." "It was calm and musing." See? The object of the sentence is not her, it is her expression. |
+ | It was calm and musing.<!-- "It"? Not "She"?--><!-- Yes. Give it the 'Garfield minus Garfield' treatment and string his sentences together without her being quoted in the middle: "I leaned a little forward to sneak a peek at her expression." "It was calm and musing." See? The object of the sentence is not her, it is her expression. |
"—I realized right away who my mother meant to kill." |
"—I realized right away who my mother meant to kill." |
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"Sorry, but could you get off me?" |
"Sorry, but could you get off me?" |
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− | She was boldly sitting on my |
+ | She was boldly sitting on my lower abdominal region<!--is his description really this clinical?--><!-- No, I just couldn't find a better word there. Maybe belly? --><!-- Belly wouldn't be unbearably bad, but isn't really in character for his narrator voice. Here's an easy way out: middle. It works, it's common English, and it is neither overly suggestive nor overly colloquial. If the original is actually mildly suggestive (which is implied by 'boldly', then use 'pelvis.' --> For now, I just wanted to do something about her lack of manners. |
Unfortunately though, she apparently didn't intend to get off. She went on her knees, bent over me while putting her hands left and right of my head and started talking from right above me, with her eyes staring into mine. "What are you going to do? What do you want to do? Do you want to tell the police about the recipe and the things I have told you just now?" |
Unfortunately though, she apparently didn't intend to get off. She went on her knees, bent over me while putting her hands left and right of my head and started talking from right above me, with her eyes staring into mine. "What are you going to do? What do you want to do? Do you want to tell the police about the recipe and the things I have told you just now?" |