Kamisama no Memochou:Volume 1 Chapter 6
A strong tinge of purple pervaded the streets of that Friday night, the buses that bore their maws towards the bus stop were expelling large amounts of purple spots that stuck onto people’s faces. During the red light, the purple stops gathered at the zebra crossing, flowing slowly. Why is it that the street isn’t destroyed because of the bruises? I stood before the road, breathing in the pungent odor of the exhaust gas while thinking.
‘…… Narumi, how do you feel?’
Alice’s voice came from the earphones stuck in my ears.
“I feel like puking.”
My voice had probably spread out through the microphone hidden in my muffler. The knitted cap on my head looked like a strangely shaped pot, and a camera was set up inside it; I’m starting to feel as if I’m not a person anymore. If I’m a robot, I would probably be able to get the disgusting feeling to disappear after pressing a button.
‘If the disgusting feeling disappeared, you won’t be able to come back anymore. Listen, don’t think about negative things, even thinking of the ice cream that Master made would be okay, as you’ll be devoured by the drug.’
Alice’s advice is just useless to me. The dry, bitter taste of Angel Fix is still lingering in my mouth. Because it was too bitter, I bit my mouth to hide the taste with blood, but it became more terrible instead. After a few minutes, I realized that using the taste of blood to hide the taste of the drug is already an abnormal thought, and a chill came upon my back. At this moment, the sense of wanting to puke came upon me once again.
I’m being devoured by the drug.
“…… I just feel that my eyes are strange today, it’s like I’m looking at everything through an infrared camera. Why is everybody wearing masks? Is there a festival today?”
‘Narumi, calm down, nobody’s wearing masks.’
‘But…..”
The green light lit up, and someone was pushing against my back. The masked crowd flowed from two sides of the road to the dark, murky river of the asphalt road. I was drawn into the crown, and took a step forward.
Tetsu-senpai and Hiro should be tailing me somewhere, and that’s my only consolation. If I couldn’t even remember that, I’ll probably just drown in the streets, not able to float ever again, right?
Hiro was in charge of tailing the drug dealer.
Tetsu-senpai, on the other hand, was in charge of— collecting my corpse.
Nobody knows if I would be able to find them, and I might just die in vain.
The horns of the cars are making my ears hurt. Going past the zebra crossing, in the crowd, the piercing music in the pharmacy is hurting my ears, and my head hurts too, the repulsive feeling is becoming stronger.
‘Walk onto the slope from the street center, and wander around the Hotel Street.’
“Alice, why are you gnashing your teeth? It’s so noisy, stop that.”
‘ What are you talking about? I’m not gnashing my teeth.’
I only noticed after Alice said that, the teeth gnashing sound was the footsteps of high heeled shoes of a college student beside me who looked like a woman. I knotted my brows, stopped walking and kept my distance with her. But it’s completely useless, footsteps came from all around me. I covered my ears, almost kneeling on the ground. Damn it! Why do women in the street always wear high heeled shoes, hurry up and change into flat ones!
‘What’s with you, Narumi? Am I talking too loudly?’
“It’s…… nothing.”
I used the back of my palm to wipe away the spit at the corner of my mouth and stood up again. The office ladies gave me a look and passed by me. Never mind, it’s just footsteps. I breathed in deeply, and held in the gastric acid that felt like it’s burning in my throat. How much time has passed since I took the medicine? Probably just twenty minutes? Or has two weeks already passed, and it’s just that I couldn’t remember? Angel? It’s just a repulsive feeling.
While moaning, I walked to the west of the street center. I felt terrible when I passed through the playground, the flood of noises made me feel that I was shot at from the side by a thousand air guns.
‘Vice Admiral Fujishima, please take note. Your blood pressure is rising rapidly.’
Major’s voice came from the earphones. I placed my hand on my left wrist. Not only did Major set up cameras, microphones and earphones, he even installed things to measure my pulse, blood pressure and body temperature. I feel like I’m a robot that’s controlled from afar.
‘Narumi, you’re probably going to cross the boundary between reality and hallucination soon, you must think of something happy!’
Something happy?
Three uniformed girls passed by my side while exiting HMV Record Store. It’s our school uniform. Happy moments in my memory—
‘Don’t think of Ayaka!’
Ayaka sensed my thoughts with her acute intuition, and tried to stop me with her piercing voice. But she was too late. I was forced to relieve the moments with Ayaka on the rooftop that day, the night skies were at the other side of the railing. Ayaka was at my side, and the watering can wettened my hand. Ayaka said: Just wait until spring comes…… and then it changed to spring. The night skies were chased away, and my body was surrounded by a gentle, gold radiance……
What is this?
I stood at the center of the crossroad, the road was surrounded by buildings full of colorful neon lights. Raising my head to look at the sky, I saw it.
“…… Angel?”
‘Narumi, what did you see? Whatever it is, just tell me, try to describe it, and don’t just sink in the feeling.’
I squinted, hugging the streetlight, because it seemed like I would be flushed away by the radiance if I didn’t do so.
“Alice, hey, have you ever looked at the surroundings from the centre of an explosion?”
‘Sorry, but I’m a hikikomori, so I’ve never seen an explosion before. But even if I have a chance to see it in the future, I’ll politely decline your recommendation of how to watch it.’
“Really? Because that’s what I’m feeling right now.”
I stretched out my hand towards a light particle. The sweet flow of electric passed through my fingers, my head.
“Ahhhh…….”
I let out my hot breath. From god knows when, the repulsive feeling and my headache vanished. The sensation that took their place filled my skull, the power that melted the snow accumulated through the winter, the power that pulled the sun out from the surface of the sea during a new day. I knew what that power was called, everyone knew it, it’s just that the people who couldn’t see angels have forgotten about it.
I thought, Toshio probably saw the same scene, huh? If that is so, then I’ll forgive him. I’ll forgive Ayaka who jumped off the school building without saying a word, because she just went to see the angels. You see, if you just stretch out your hands, angels are around us. Forgive those faceless, purple patients who are just swept through the night, they just don’t know the existence and the name of this light.
“Alice, do you know what this is called?”
Even my own mutterings turned into brilliant light particles, intercrossing with my white breathing and spread out.
‘I know, it’s love. Love makes the world go round.’
The sweet voice of the young girl was quoting the lyrics from Bob Dylan’s songs, yes, it’s love. Before Dylan gave it to us, he might not have known about its name, too. But we know, its name is love, so I am definitely not letting go.
‘Narumi, but you’re looking for another song, remember? It’s Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door’.’
Hearing Alice’s words, I remembered. That’s right, I’ve forgotten. I have to search for heaven’s door.
I need to meet Ayaka.
I stepped on the surface of the night river, every step turned into a ripple and spread to the whole world. The whole world is beckoning to me, saying that they exist because of me, and that we are one and the same. I raised my fist to the sky that was raining feathers of the angels, and felt that I had to sing. I was born for this moment, to accept the guidance of the rays of love, walk up the slope, and open the doors to heaven. Listen, there’s a faint sound of the plucking of a guitar. The hostels arranged side by side are palaces of gold, the sounds of footsteps, noises, the sounds of the engines of cars further away, the sounds of thousands of the outer unit of air conditioners, the sound of wet breathing due to lust, all of them combined into a chorus of holy music, getting close to Dylan’s husky voice.
‘ Knockin’ on heaven’s door…….’
I heard it. I could really hear it. In the tens of thousands of music that were gently caressing me, I could differentiate Dylan’s music. I found Dylan’s singing voice.
“…… I found it.”
At the instant when I was murmuring to myself, joy that was close to melancholy gushed out from my mouth and my ears, then splattered onto my skin.
The man was leaning against the steel door that looked sticky and filthy because of spray pain, and gradually squatted down. His head was lowered, and he tapped his knees to the tempo of the holy music with earphones on his ears.
‘Narumi, you found him? Really?’
Don’t you know? Can’t you see it? Shining wings are clearly drawn on both of the man’s cheeks, it’s so dazzling, too.
‘Narumi, answer me if you’ve found him, and don’t get any closer!’
The voice of the young girl resounded in my ears. With my hands on the wall of the hostel, I slowly walked towards the angel. It felt just like stepping on clouds. Very soon I’m going to reach him, very soon.
‘Tetsu, catch hold of Narumi, and don’t get caught! Hiro, you know it, right? He’s the one who’s wearing a leather jacket and squatting down with earphones on. You can’t get caught by him! And don’t let him run away! Narumi! Narumi! Get a hold of yourself!’
I pulled off the noisy earphone. The song of the angel flowed directly into my mind. This is the music of the song Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door. I’ll get there soon. Soon I’ll be able to see Ayaka again. Just as I was about to stretch out my hand, someone fiercely caught hold of my shoulders.
Let go! Let go of me!
I struggled until my wrist almost broke off. He’s flying away, the angel is flying away. The door that was opening soon is closing. I clutched the asphalt road with my fingers, not noticing that I was lying on the ground. That’s why the ray of light is above me, until darkness and the long, dark clouds gradually covered up my eyelids. I repeatedly knocked on heaven’s door, again and again, again and again, knocked and knocked……
I think everyone has thought at least once when they were little, why do humans continue to live, because there isn’t a simple and clear answer written in the textbooks of this country (An answer existed in the past, but was burned down during the Second World War and the collapse of the economy).
Some people made a simple conclusion, that is to obtain happiness, and then stopped thinking about it; while the people who couldn’t stop thinking about it realized that this answer is just another way of phrasing the question, and in the end they sank deeper into the swamp of questions.
Some people were already satisfied with the answer on the P.E textbook during high school, the three main requirements of humans, a meaningless answer; And some people even answered it in a cycle— living is to search for the meaning of our existence; there were also some people who started to read philosophical books just so that they could have a cool answer if they were asked, but in the end stopped after they read the first paragraph of the forth page, and completely forgot about the question.
I am not any of those people.
Before I became an awkward high school student, I was a not so awkward middle school student. Those days, I skipped school before, and pondered about the question while sitting beside the riverbank.
Because we don’t want to die— that was the only possible answer I could think of. Though this answered the question ‘Why do humans want to live’, it still couldn’t answer the question ‘What do humans live for’. At least I still knew that when I was in middle school.
Apart from that, I had a strong suspicion for the definition that to live means that you haven’t died yet. That’s because I knew that another type of incomprehensible people who exists in this world— those who aren’t dead, but aren’t really living either, for instance my father. From the day when my mom passed away because of an accident, it was like a part of my father was brought to a different world. This is one of the rare things that I agree with my sister. After that, father was almost never at home, and just mailed us money for our daily expenses.
As long as you are living, you can’t evade death. Some people could only reach this conclusion after a whole life of ignorance, so I, who understood this just by observing my relatives, am actually quite lucky.
If there is no meaning to life, then why do we live? I, who was still thirteen at that time, was wearing my uniform with wet pants as the grassy land beside the river was wet with dew. After that day, I didn’t take any step forward.
But there is one thing that I can be sure of.
There wouldn’t be any answer no matter how I thought. Even if there’s a formula for solving problems, there are too many unknowns. But if I understood, it would probably a split second understanding, just like being struck by lightning.
But what would I become after that?
Would I still be myself?
When I woke up, I felt an extended, severe pain.
When I tried to open my eyes, there was an uncomfortable resistance like I was trying to pick away a scab.
It’s so bright. The piercing lights hurt my eyes.
There seemed to be a shadow in front of me. What is is?
I didn’t realize after quite some time that the shadow was the upside down face of a young girl.
“Narumi, welcome back.”
The young girl was smiling, her black hair sliding from her shoulders onto my neck.
I tried to sit, and felt the pain of my stiff back tightening. I frowned.
I was sleeping on the bed in Alice’s room, surrounded by the black machines on the wall, the sound of the fan turning and the cold artificial air.
It was obviously extremely cold, but there wasn’t even a small reaction from my body.
I looked at my palms, feeling that this isn’t my body. I have obviously seen my skin and the wrinkles on it for thousands of times, but if you just lifted the thin layer of skin, it would feel like it is filled with an unknown liquid. That is what I felt at that moment.
Then, where did my body go?
`My soul— where did it vanish to?
I thought of the moment I saw the angel, the moment that it fused with the stunningly radiant world. Even so, all of that have vanished.
No.
They did not vanish.
“How do you feel….. What a stupid question!”
Alice murmured behind me.
Asking me how I feel? Do you even need to ask?
Terrible.
My head didn’t hurt, and I didn’t feel repulsive, even the pain in my teeth vanished, and I couldn’t even feel the cold. But, but—
I understood.
I didn’t even have to think about it. What have Toshio said to me at that moment? I think it’s something like the reason that we continue to live is to stimulate our nerves. But why did Toshio, the person who was directly stimulated by the angels, and I feel so terrible? That quite clear, it’s because Toshio’s answer isn’t the answer. Stimulating our nerves for the sense of comfort is only a part of living, the pleasure is our goal and not just a trick, it’s one of the reasons of the error in the formula of its design. The one who I am right now— the one who had been guided by the angel have seen that formula. The variable of the red pills giving pleasure, it’s just a simple calculation, everyone knows the answer for that, everyone knows.
The answer is zero.
There is absolutely no meaning to life.
Even breathing and heartbeats could make people feel painful, I tightly held the blanket, my shoulders shaking, trying to contain the pain. No, why am I containing it? It’ll be okay if I just stop, stop breathing, stop the flow of blood, stop thinking about everything. If the statement that people continue to live because they don’t want to die is true, then the opposite must be correct as well.
If only I would stop.
“— Your request is already completed right now, right?”
It was Alice’s voice. I turned my head over.
I finally realized that Alice was not wearing pajamas, but a black dress. The darkness that lacked luster wrapped her whole body, even her gloves were black. She wore a bonnet, and a thin veil covered her entire face.
They were clothes for people in mourning .
“…… Request?”
“You gave me a request, right? It’s because you wanted to know the true reason for Ayaka’s suicide. You already know now, so the request has been completed, isn’t that right?
“Wha……”
Looking at the back of Alice’s shoulder, a switched off computer screen reflected my face— a raised, crooked face. There wasn’t even a hint of anger on it. The face looked like it belonged to a dead person, reddish black markings surfaced below the eyes, as if it was drawn onto the face with charcoal.
“…… ah, AAHHH!”
I remember this face, I’ve remembered. On that freezing dawn, blood spread in the garden, Ayaka who stared at the skies with black eyes, there were those same markings on that face.
The reason for Ayaka’s suicide.
I’ve understood.
Alice have said before this, there is absolutely no mystery concerning Ayaka’s suicide, so I don’t need to think why she wanted to die. As Alice have said, I don’t need to think at all. The thoughts and emptiness in my heart are the answer.
Because Ayaka knew it too.
Living is meaningless.
“To explain in a scientific way……”
Alice said. The fuzzy face of the young girl gradually became clearer.
“Bruises like that appearing is a sign of being allergic to the contents of Angel Fix. There are some people who are not suited to taking the drug. Both you and Ayaka are this type of people, it’s that simple. The signs of allergy would cause a strong sense of emptiness after the hallucinations fade, do you understand? What you are feeling right now is only a horrendous hallucination caused by the drug, that might be the facts but not the truth.”
So…… So what?
Alice shifted her gaze away from me, as if she was pained.
“Another way of saying that would be, it is not the truth…… but the facts. I know that this explanation is utterly meaningless. The despair and happiness that you felt, all of them are chemical reactions that are released by your nervous system due to the drug.”
Is that so……. Utterly meaningless. So all of our emotions: anger, sadness, happiness and emptiness, all of them are chemical reactions.
So, all of them are true facts.
“The drug would amplify all your emotions, no matter how tiny your regret is, or even the guilt because of the sin of planting the flowers. Even if it isn’t deliberate, there is no room for negotiation in front of the drug. In front of the facts, the truth could only stay silent. So……”
The dark eyes gazed at me.
“I wouldn’t say anything to stop you.”
I gazed at the small, pale pink mouth.
“If you plan to change into that, I have no power to stop you. However……”
The folded paper that was held in Alice’s hands, is the will that Alice force me to write the day that I decided to take the Angel Fix. At that moment, I was completely clueless to the reason that Alice asked me to write it, so the contents in it were only hastily scribbled things.
The one who wrote the will is not the person that I am now.
“But, I will definitely tell people about you. Telling people that you did indeed exist, telling them you were brave, telling them you finished the thing that you should do.”
The thing I should do.
The thing I should do?
The sound of an opening door came from behind me.
“Hey! Alice! Why did you tell Yondaime!”
It was Tetsu-senpai’s furious voice. I turned around and met his gaze, and senpai who was about to walk into the room was taken aback, his whole body stiff.
“Narumi, so you’re awake? Are you okay?”
I weakly nodded.
“Have Hiro brought his car? We can’t let Yondaime wait for so long, he’ll become anxious. Let’s go!”
“Alice, you’re going too?”
“Don’t you understand after seeing my clothes? Yondaime can’t be stopped if I don’t go.”
“Ah…… Oi! Why did you tell Yondaime? The people from Hirasaka-gumi already surrounded their hideout, and would probably slaughter everyone inside.”
Ah, Toshio and the others were found?
That’s right, I ate the Angel Fix because of this I’ve already forgotten about it. Now that I think about it, it felt like it happened a lifetime ago.
Finished the thing that I should do.
So what?
Alice crawled to my side and walked down from the bed.
“There is a business contract between Yondaime and I. As a detective, I am responsible for providing all information about Fix. Furthermore, there’s at least seven to eight people at their side, right? Anyhow, we must borrow the strength of Hirasaka-gumi.
“But……”
“That is why I gave them a condition, they can’t take action before I appear. I assure you, I have a plan, and wouldn’t let them do anything to Toshio.”
Unsatisfied, Tetsu-senpai sank into a silence and walked out of the room.
Alice turned around.
Half of my face was buried in the pillow, but I felt her gaze through the black veil.
“All of this is because of your contribution. To me, the things that happen after that are just gifts for our satisfaction, but to you….. There’s probably no difference, right?”
No difference.
“…… I’m going out. You can just continue to sleep here if you want to, and if you want to jump off a building, please walk further to your right, move the rack and then you can open the windows to jump out of it. But it’s just the third floor here, so it’s not guaranteed that your attempt would be successful.”
“…… Are you going?”
“I’ve said so already, didn’t I? I want to know why Ayaka wanted to jump from the school rooftop. Toshio and Hakamizaka should know something. For this reason, and only for this reason, I’m doing things to this extent, even though it’s meaningless even after I know it.”
“…… Are you just leaving me here?”
I slowly got up, my voice like the buzzing of a mosquito. Alice tilted her head at me slightly.
“Do you want to go with me? Why? You really don’t need to go along with my self-satisfaction.”
I shook my head. I don’t really want to follow her, and actually don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. But……
“Then—“
“……. Go yourself!”
Alice’s eyes widened.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m telling you not to leave me alone and go yourself!”
A hoarse shout came out from my throat.
“Always looking like you know everything, triumphantly saying all those devious things, but couldn’t you understand such a simple thing if I didn’t say so?”
I didn’t know why I was so angry, but was only venting my emotions, which felt like pieces of hot, scorching irons, on the fuzzy shadow in front of me.
“Just order me around as usual! Can’t you see that I can’t recover by my own? I feel all empty inside, and can’t go anywhere! Just give me any order! If not, I- I- I……”
I tightly held the side of the bed, and coughed violently like I was squeezing out all the air inside of my body, and my bones felt as if they were all shattering. But, my body is already useless anyways. These hands, these feet, all of them are useless, and can’t help anyone anymore. So no matter what, even if they become rotten, just pretend that they don’t exist from the start. If even these people forgot about me—
A cold hand was placed on my neck.
My body had a spasm, it was like the cold hand was absorbing heat, suppressing my trembling lungs, shoulders and heart.
“— That’s true, your request has already been completed….. But you haven’t given me my payment yet.”
I bore the pain that felt as if my skin was being torn off, and raised my head. The first thing that I saw was Alice’s smile that was framed with her black hair that was flowing like a river.
“Then just work till you drop, because you’re my assistant! Your hands, your legs, your eyes, your ears, your throat, your nails, your teeth, your tongue, and even your last drop of blood……”
The diminutive queen pointed at my forehead lightly with her index finger.
“— all of them are now my property.”
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