Kamisama no Memochou:Volume 9 Chapter 1

"I can probably die now," said Ender. "All my life's work is done."

"Mine too," said Novinha. "But I think that means that it's time to start to live."

Orson Scott Card -- Speaker of the Dead.

Chapter 1

Till this day, I still vividly remember the day mom died.

Every word my sister said on the phone, dad's drool in his half-opened mouth, the instruction posters pasted on the white hospital walls--I still remember them all. These were all too bright that I wondered if I mistook them for being in a movie or some other places. But looking back at my memories, I realized it could be associated with the last time I saw off mom at the door in the morning. I There is no doubt this is my memory. I wondered why I could still remember that so vividly.

I supposed it was because I did not see the corpse for myself, and the makeborn up for the surrealism, my mind frantically pieced together everything I saw and heard in my mind. I was still in elementary school when mom's body was knocked down by a trailer, and deformed as she was crushed between it and the building wall, so obviously, dad didn't allow me into the morgue.

Dad himself could not move as he stood in front of the stairs leading to the basement, so my sister was the one who identified the corpse. Back then, she was still in high school, but she did everything, from speaking to the police and doctors, and calling for the funerary parlor.

Dad became weird after that, as though his fractured bones were put back in the wrong places. I did not remember exactly what happened at the funeral, but I knew that he did not say anything. Perhaps that was when he snapped. The next day, he started calling my sister by my mom's name. I could not understand what happened at all. It seemed sister knew, but did not know how to respond.

"Maybe I'm too capable."

While we were alone together, sister shrugged as she said this.

"Dad's someone who can't live on without mom. He probably escaped to the past, pretending that Alice didn't die."

I didn't know how she could calmly rationalize this.

However, sister's deduction was amazingly accurate. After observing dad, who had lost it, for a little while, I had to come to agree with that assessment. Dad's mind was back to when he first got married with mom, and because of that, he saw the only female in the house--his own daughter--as his wife. Also, he would say such passionate things like "Sorry for always having world." or "I might be deployed to Kansai next time. Sorry to bother you." For a while, I couldn't believe that my stoic dad actually became like that, and to be honest, it felt really disgusting. Also, he could not recognize me anymore. His mind 'went back' to when he got married with mom, back when she had yet to bear a kid. For dad, I'm someone who shouldn't exist. I didn't know how to deal with dad when he was like this, and to be honest, it was easier for me not to interact with him. There was not much change to this daily life. Dad continued to work, earning money for the family. While things would get awkward whenever the school called (whenever the teacher called, he would say something like 'that's strange. I don't have a son'), but sister could normally handle that well. Since it was not a hassle to any of us, we did not care no matter how mentally disturbed he was.

After a long while, I asked sister,

"Sister...are you really alright?"

"Eh, well...about mom's death."

My sister chuckled. Her past experiences gave birth to such a smile.

"Of course I'm not. But neither you nor dad are able to help, Narumi. I got no choice but to shoulder the load."

No choice.

Just as dad remained mentally disturbed, I too could only stand by the side, watching. Sister did all she could to protect our lives in a realistic sense.

"It's stupid."

She sighed.

"Humans can't revive. Can't he just cry it all out and forget?"

Those words appear to be directed at me as well. To be honest, I really had the same thoughts as dad--as long as I did not admit that mom died, maybe I could have waived off the past? Maybe sister saw through me, and that I didn't have the guts to be 'broken mentally', unwilling to say it out.

The dead can't revive.

I held my breath, enduring this youth filled with simple yet cruel truth.

When I was in my 10th grade, dad bought a house in Tokyo. He was dispatched to the main office in Tokyo, and did not have to wander everywhere.

Because of that, I too came to this city, encountering many lives and deaths, sometimes causing commotion, sometimes getting hurt, sometimes dirtying myself, soiling my face with dirt as I remembered it all, welcoming this second Spring. In the process of recording every memo in a story, I learned something--no matter who the narrator was, what they said formed their story. I might not be the one bleeding, but if the truth was as I heard and witnessed, turned into words with my own hands, what I write would be my story. On the other hand, I could only recount the stories I heard and saw, what were related to me. All I could describe were the stories of those who were similarly suffering, anguished, and contorted like me.

Finally, I could say it.

The final case of the detective who shut herself in the frigid room.

The cruel battle of the girl who like me, wanted to revive her dead mother.

Why did she not choose that one smart move? What kind of grass would the land grow after absorbing so much blood, such that one would laugh for, shed tears for, break themselves for, be forgotten? What kind of flowers would bloom--

The me now probably had a right to say this story.

For I lost Alice again.

*

First day of Spring Break, we held an important meeting at the back of Hanamaru Ramen Shop.

This meeting was organized by Tetsu-senpai. Like usual, he's dressed in a short-sleeved T-shirt, his arms folded, emphasizing the biceps that were trained over a long time. Tagging along was Major, who as usual, was wearing a camouflage patterned helmet and a jacket on his small body that's like an elementary school kid. Also, there's Hiro-san, looking like a star as he wore the classy pink jacket representing the Sakura season. He was like a youth representing the fragrant spring breeze, but was a pretty face who lived on scamming women. Last of all, there's me.

"...So the topic of this evaluation meeting is--"

Tetsu-senpai scowled hard, and said,

"Why is it that Narumi's able to avoid repeating the year."

"How about you do a proper celebration for me!?"

I slammed the wooden desk that acted as our table.

"What are you saying now, Vice Admiral Fujishima?" Major looked a little surprised, sighing as he shook his head, "You don't look like you have a sense of danger. Now there's only one more chance to repeat the year."

"What kind of chance is that!?"

With much peril, I managed to glide past my second year end of semester tests held in early March, salvaged my dire failing grades with retests and remedial, and was finally able to enjoy Spring vacation without a care, so I came to Hanamaru Ramen Shop to report the good news, only for everything to turn out this way. Major was so furious, his shoulders were huffing, and he lashed out at me,

"You never repeated in high school. What kind of NEET are you!?"

"Didn't you graduate from high school straight away, Major? And you entered the school that only the smart ones enter."

"But I never understood how wonderful this world is before I entered college..."

Major looked far away as he said this. Right, I just had a thought. What did this person do to fall so far from the elites?

"You want to know?" Major asked as his eyebrows twitched.

Only those that desire to say something really unbelievable would ask such a line, no exceptions. Without waiting for my reply, he continued on,

“The opportunity that allowed me the chance to enter the world of NEETs was a book. It affected the philosophies of many thinkers and literary experts, a book every man should read.”

“Really? What book is it? Just get straight to the point already.”

“The path of knowing death--” Major's goggles lens sparkled, and he said, “'Bushido'.”

“Are you going to say that the author's name is Inazou NitobeNEET?”

“Don't ruin the punchline now, okay!?”

Stop being so proud of such a lousy punchline.

“Samurai and NEET have nothing to do with each other. Of course I know where the punchline's coming from.”

“Oh? Vice Admiral Fujishima. I guess you read 'Bushido' since you're saying this now?

The sharp stare made me struggle with my reply,

“Eh...I never read it...”

“Of course, I didn't read it either.” “So you didn't read it either!” The only ones who can ask such questions are the ones who read it!

Hiro-san overheard our bickering, and answered in Major's stead,

"Some time back, Alice had Tetsu and me investigate a stalker. The peeping cameras that guy used was of an incredulously high quality, and couldn't be found in the market. We finally managed to track it down to a certain college student."

"What's with that face, Vice Admiral Fujishima? Are you thinking this Major Mukai Hitoshi is a stalker?"

"Eh...ah, no, that's not what happened? I thought the conversation would end up like that."

"I was a victim too!" Major lashed out, "The culprrit was a student in the same faculty as me. He used my prototypes without my permission."

Thus, Major was distrustful of college, and at the same time, Alice and the others witnessed his skills, interacted with him, and integrated him into the backyard of Ramen Hanamaru.

"For us NEETs, just graduating from high school is a shame. Moreso ever, I ended up in a national college. I want to surpass Tetsu and Hiro, be a full-fledged NEET, and repeat my years in college!"

"I didn't enter high school anymore. Better than Tetsu who met a pretty female teacher and had to undergo her tutelage."

"No, you got so many licenses that are helpful with work, Hiro. My rank as a NEET should be higher."

"I do nothing other than to leech money off women. Thus I'm more of a NEET."

"I do nothing other than fighting and gambling. I'm the King NEET here!"

What are you guys competing over?

"Alice never attended school though. We're lightweights compared to her."

Major's words left everyone silent.

I had been curious about this all this time, but I never found the opportunity to speak up. It's a stupid topic, but it might be the perfect time to ask. I checked the expressions of the trio, and spoke up,

"So...why did Alice become a NEET detective?"

Tetsu-senpai and Major looked around, and then, they looked over at Hiro.

"I don't know either."

Hiro grimaced.

"It's true that Master Gorou entrusted Alice to me, but..."

Shionji Gorou--Alice's great uncle, and the master to Hiro's gigolo antics. He had quite some history with me, but even he never discussed about Alice's past with me. I guess Hiro knew as much as I did, that the Shionjis were a conglomerate, and due to some complicated reasons, Alice left home. End of story.

"Maybe she'll tell you if you ask her now, Narumi."

Hiro gave a vague looking smile.

"No, it's fine. I'm just a little curious. It's not a good thing to ask her without reason..."

"Just ask her how to be a perfect NEET, and then ask the question."

Tetsu-senpai redirected us back to this topic.

"That's right, Vice Admiral Fujishima. This is your last chance before you graduate from high school."

"Alright everyone, let's discuss the matter on 'how to submit a school withdrawal slip as coolly as possible'. Hiro's eyes were glowing.

"I knew this would happen, so I developed a fully-automatic school withdrawl slip shooting machine. 60 rounds in 1 second!" Saying that, Major took out a device resembling a miniature printer. Seriously, I had no idea what's the purpose of developing such a thing.

"Relying on machines? That's a second-rate move. I'll show you the secret, first-class style of submitting it."

Tetsu-senpai said as he gave me a serious look.

"Hold the form down on the teacher's head, and deliver a few punches. That'll deal quite a bit of damage."

"Because you beat up the teacher!" That has nothing to do with withdrawing from school!

"So just submit the school withdrawal form along with the marriage certificate request."

Hiro came up with another ridiculous idea. A marriage certificate request?

"But this can only one on female teachers who aren't married. 'Since the student-teacher relationship is stopping us, I won't be attending school'. Once you say that, surely she will accept it with tears of joy."

"Surely not." Even without that arduous process, the teacher will accept the form. Eh, but I have no intention to drop out of school though?

"Ah wait, Hiro. Being unmarried is a key to being a NEET. If you get married after dropping out, that defeats the purpose, doesn't it?"

Tetsu-senpai's opinion was straight to the point. But to be honest, this discussion's too ridiculous to be called defeating the purpose. Hiro merely shrugged at this predicament he expected,

"No biggie. I can simply not submit the request to the marriage council."

"As to be expected of you, Hiro! I heard you collected hundreds of women's signatures on these certificates, right?" "Aren't those incriminating evidence? Why didn't you get rid of them?" Tetsu-senpai asked.

"Oi oi, that's cruel of you, Hiro. Discarding them is a show of dishonesty to women."

"You're never honest to begin with! Anyway, isn't this a marriage scam?"

"It's not a scam, but a fantasy granted to people. You have taught me that, no, Narumi-kun?"

"I didn't, stop fabricating this!"

"To deal with this, my device's able to switch into an auto-firing marriage certificates mode!"

So I say, what's the point of that?

Hiro activated it out of curiosity, and it rattled and fired off a bunch of papers. The marriage certificates fluttered at the door of the ramen shop like snowflakes.

And the door opened,

"Yo Narumi, bring this bowl to Alice--"

Hiro hurriedly stopped it, but it was too late. The marriage certifcates land right on Min-san's face, just as she was holding the bowl in her hands. She had a look, and went beetroot.

"If you want to purpose, do it right!"

She beat Hiro up, and retreated to the kitchen. All that was left was the bowl of miso ramen with char siu and corn, without ramen (it should have been called miso soup instead).

   

"Hm? You want to know about my background?"

Alice, eating the beansprouts, spring onions, and dousing them with Dr. Pepper, questioned me. The temperature of the air-conditioning in the NEET detective agency was a migraine-inducing freezing. She was seated on the bed inside, with the ill-looking lights of the many monitors shining upon her. Once again, our detective's living unhealthily.

"Hm, well, I can't say that I'm not interested at all.."

Shionji Yuuko, commonly known as Alice. My employer, a hikikomori of a detective. Pale skin, dressed in thin pajamas, her slender legs exposed, as though she was not exposed to the cold. How in the world does she live in such an environment? What kind of growing up did she have to hav esuch a strangle quirk?

"So why are you only asking me this now? You have been my assistant for a year and a half, haven't you?"

Alice tilted her head, showing some confusion.

A year and a half...?

While realizing how fast time passed, I lamented how short the time was. The conflicting thoughts occupied half of my mind. While Alice should have aged as long as I did, her physical shape showed nary a change.

"I've been curious. Like, what did you do before being a detective, how old you are...eh, of course, there has to be some reason, so I didn't dare to ask."

"I don't know how old I am either."

"...Huh?"

"No matter how intelligent I am, there are periods in my infancy that I do not remember. I do not remember the moment I was born, so I do not know my birthday and age."

For a moment, I was flabbergasted.

"...No, but, well, your parents would have told you, right?"

"So I said, my family situation isn't like that."

Alice said with a self-reproaching tone,

"I was born to the Shionjis, one who 'should not be born', so ever since young, I was locked in a room, and the servants did the cleaning. I never met my parents before."

I was left speechless. What was more chilling was the nonchalence in Alice's tone.

"In the family, the only ones who interacted with me were either great uncle Gorou, or the other children. For example, there's my sister, cousins. Once a week at most. Well, the doctor does drop by every day though. Needless to say, I never had a birthday before, and never went through kindergarten or school. Think about it, do you think I do have a chance to know of my own birthday?"

Someone who should not be born--the words continued to echo in my mind. I cursed my foolish self for accidentally peeking into the abyss of a girl's heart.

"If this isn't enough to satisfy your curiosity, do you need me to go into the specifics?"

Alice said impishly. With a frozen face, I shook my head.

"No, sorry. It's my fault."

"Why apologize? I don't mind. It's simply because you never asked that I never said."

Alice shrugged."

"There's no reason to hide these facts, and I don't think of my predicament as unfortunate. I do feel grateful, fortunate to some extent even. I won't be shackled by all the things of the world, and simply focus on living a life dedicated to absorbing knowledge."

After hearing those words, I was left more speechless than before.

Certainly she was not lacking in food and clothing, and she was not exactly abused in any case. She might not have any freedom to leave home, but with the internet present, Alice had no need to. She might even scorn upon the concept of familial love and warmth.

"Also, I have been blaming everything on my family circumstances till this point. But I do know that my age isn't something I can just investigate. Basically, I do not have any interest in those thoughts. I do have a vested interest in the person 'Shionji Yuuko', but everything about 'when was she born', and 'how long has she lived' remains as unimportant information to me. Do you agree?"

"Yes...?"

With her mentioning this, I suddenly realized that age wasn't exactly such an important information.

"But without knowing your birthday and age, there will be many issues unbeknownst to you too, right?"

"How so?" Alice raised her chopsticks? "My bank account and credit cards were handled while I was still with the Shionjis. There is no need for any personal particulars until then. I have no affiliation with school or licenses after all."

Since she said so, it probably was the case.

"No, well, what if you need to handle procedures at some government agency?"

"Government agency? Why do I need to go to such a place--"

Saying that, Alice placed the chopsticks back onto the tray. At this moment, she noticed the existence of a certain thing.

There was a piece of paper pressed beneath the bowl. It was the marriage certificate Hiro fired with the device. It seemed I had served it along with the bowl, without noticing. Alice took it out, had a glance, and immediately went beetroot.

"Wh-wh-what is this!?"

“Ahh, this is, well just now--”

“And I was wondering why you’re so curious about my age out of a sudden. So-so-so this is what you mean!?”

“Ah? No, not at all, you’re mistaken, it’s Major--”

“Are you asking me about my family because you’re foolish enough to think of greeting my family!? Also, there has to be a proper process to this sort of thing! You’re so unromantic in delivering it under the bowl.”

“So I say, calm down already. What do you mean by that?”

While I was trying to calm her down, someone else who would mess the situation further opened the door to the detective agency.

“Hello Alice. I’ve starting Spring break today, so I’ll take care of you--”

Dropping by was Ayaka in casual clothes, who entered the bedroom, and looked beyond my shoulder towards Alice. Once she realized that Alice was holding onto the marriage certificate, she widened her eyes, she shoved me aside, and got onto the bed.

“Alice, what is this? Why do you have a proposal with the bowl of miso soup? Are you trying to imitate the I want to taste your miso soup cliché? This won’t do though. Fujishima-kun is bad at cooking; choose something else.”

“Hey, what are you saying? How did it end up with me proposing to him?”

With a blushing face, Alice yelled,

“Hm? So is it the other way around?” What’s with that, “No can do, Fujishima-kun!? Alice might add Dr. Pepper if she’s to cook miso coup!”

My appetite was gone just from imagining that.

“No, can’t you just get away from this miso soup thing already?”

Ayaka immediately retreated, pulling some distance from the miso soup.

“That’s not it!”

“Listen up, Alice. You got to know that if you can’t play dumb to this extent, you can’t continue to act as a couple manzai with Fujishima-kun!”

“What nonsense are you spouting here!?”

The bed shook as Alice was enraged, and the empty cans piled high up tumbled over.

*

Surprisingly, the one closest to the truth was Yondaime. The following day, I visited the Hirasaka-gumi office, discussed the future plans in the storage restroom cum computer room, while casually dropping this topic.

“Probably 14 or 15.”

Yondaime simply answered.

“…Eh. How do you know?”

“There was once when Alice wasn’t feeling well, and I brought her to the hospital. That general hospital was ridiculously big, and she often visited it when she was at home. Alice had no health insurance, but they let her in after seeing her face. I’m guessing the Shionjis invested heavily in that hospital. Alice herself said that she was born in that hospital.”

Alice somehow visited a doctor. I was a little surprised.

“Then, I heard from the doctor that it used to be some common small-scale hospital, but before Alice was born, the hospital suddenly received a large investment of various top-notch facilities. The Shionjis probably invested heavily behind the scenes to ensure a failsafe, that there might be a high risk of miscarriage. I was curious about it, and looked into it; I found that it was 15 years ago.”

I was impressed. As a detective, this guy’s way better than me.

“…But why spend so much effort to elevate the facilities of a small hospital? Her family’s rich, and has lots of top-notch hospitals under its name.”

Yondaime narrowed his eyes, and coldly said,

“Surely there’s a reason why they couldn’t deliver her there.”

Suddenly, I recalled the words from Alice, that she was ‘a child who should not be born’.

At this moment, I began to regret, for not denying Alice’s self-reproaching.

“Hey, let me make this clear. Everything’s just my conjecture.”

Yondaime hurriedly added on, probably because he noticed the grim look on my face.

“What the doctors say are no more than rumors. Maybe the investments had nothing to do with Alice. Also, the matter of age isn’t exactly important here.”

“Eh, ah, yeah, that’s right…”

But, 14-15? Is it really okay if her appearance differs so much from her actual age? She looks like an elementary school kid, and no more than 11-12. Of course, it’s no wonder she developed poorly given her poor eating habits.

“It’s likely she was born differently.” Yondaime said with a gloomy look, “Living on carbonic acid, sleeping only an hour. She doesn’t have a normal body for one. The doctor said that it’s a probably of genetics.”

“I…see. So that’s how it is…”

She’s been such a unique girl, and it might be acceptable to say that her body was weird to begin with. Well, it’s too unhealthy either way.

But even so, if I’m to switch off the air conditioning of the office immediately, have her put on normal clothes, eat normal foods, and go out to exercise, surely she would faint. What do I do then?

“Ahh, right, to prevent something like that from happening again, I’ll tell you where the hospital is.”

Yondaime tossed a note with the hospital address and number.

“I’m not going to bring her to that sort of place again.”

“Eh, bu-but, you want me to bring her there?”

“Aren’t you her assistant?”

“But I don’t have a car…”

“Ask Hiro, or call for a taxi.”

I sighed. Let’s just hope this doesn’t happen.

“Speaking of which, are you intending to accompany her for the rest of your life?”

Once we were done, Yondaime looked over at me,

“…Ah? …eh, no, well…”

I could only speak vaguely.

“There’s still a year until you graduate. What will you do in the future? The admin and accountant roles for the gang are still available. Best if you can just continue with these jobs.”

I blinked in a daze as I stared back at Yondaime.

“…Erm, I can’t actually join the gang, right?”

“You’re still a student. Once you graduate or drop out, you can join.”

Yondaime sat back on the resting bed, looking back and forth between me and the computer.

“Even as Alice’s assistant, you can’t be receiving requests 24-7. Our work here isn’t that heavy, so it should be fine for you to handle both sides at once. What do you think?”

Then, Yondaime gave a specific salary. The compensation package was pretty hefty.

Surprisingly to myself even, without hesitation, I gave an immediate answer,

“Thanks for the offer, but I don’t intend to bother the Hirasaka-gumi further.”

Once I said so, I found my tone to be arrogant, and hastily added on,

“Eh, while I’ve been under everyone’s care till this point, I will surely help if there’s a need to, as payment. But I don’t intend to be employed here…”

“I guessed so.”

Yondaime’s answer was pretty calm.

“You know quite a fair bit of our gang’s secrets, and it’ll be easy to get you involved in some way--”

Yondaime quietly looked over at a dark corner of the room,

“But I knew you would reject.”

Why? I gave a doubtful look at his sidelong face.

“You aren’t made for this gang. While I don’t think you’ll get a proper job, if you really are to be part of the underworld, you’ll rather work alone.”

“R-really?” I was so taken aback, my tone changed, “While I just rejected you, it’s not like I don’t have any clear goals regarding the future. To be honest, whether I can actually graduate from high school is one issue.”

“I know. I can tell.”

I guessed so.

“But there has to be a path somehow. Your talent is in going crazy and doing unscrupulous things at crucial moments, and then making it through in the end.”

…I don’t think you’re praising me at all.

“If you’re a little more daring, you can become an elite in this world.”

“Daring, eh, basically…”

Better not ask what this world is about. I could infer, and if I was mistaken, the mood would have worsened. Thus, better use this chance to ask something that might come in handy.

“For example, while you rejected my invitation, you never thought about what you’re going to do in the future. Why aren’t you more daring in asking me to recommend you a job?”

I didn’t know how to ask,

“…Eh, no, this might be too daring. If I really did ask, wouldn’t you be fuming, Yondaime?”

“Of course, and I would have beaten you until you can’t open your mouth.”

Of course you’ll be pissed off!

“But, that’ll just be it.”

“What do you mean ‘just be it’ after beating me so badly I can’t open my mouth!”

“It’s not like I’ll kill you or break ties with you. Also, if I’m to meet such a shameless guy, I’ll give him a few blows, show some pity, and give him some lifeline.”

I scratched my head, sighing,

“So without any risk, it’s possible to be a little more daring; is that what you’re saying?”

“That’s how it is.”

“I’ll consider that.”

“I’ll repeat myself though. Once this happen, I’ll go all out.”

“I’ll really consider that…”

Once I was done with business, I intended to get up, only for there to be cracking beyond the door behind me.

“Hey stop pushing.” “What’s going on?” “Can’t hear clearly.”

Yondaime frowned as he got up from the bed, went over, and pulled the handle down. At that moment, a bunch of hulks in black T-shirt, who were pressing upon the door, were tangled up as they tumbled into the storage.

“…What the hell are you idiots doing?”

Yondaime’s temples were popping as he glared down at his subordinates lying on the floor.

“S-sorry.” Pole, lying at the bottom, was sheepishly grinning away,

“We heard that you have been trying to invite Narumi Aniki, Sou-san, and wanted to know the response.” Lying atop Pole was Rocky, looking at us as he answered.

“We’re done. Now scram, don’t blow us.”

Yondaime poked at Pole’s head with a finger, and the latter excitedly got up, saying,

“So Aniki’s gonna put on our logo?”

The blockheads lying on Pole rolled away to the restroom of the office,

“Eh...ahh, no, er, sorry. I didn’t do so.”

I said as I hid behind Yondaime. Pole and Rocky’s faces looked roasted as a result.

“Wh-why!? Is there something bad about our gang?”

“Is the office too small!? Too dirty!? Too noisy!?”

Everything, I guess.

“Erm, I’ve been under the Hirasaka-gumi’s care for a long time. Sorry for getting you gets to help me with work, so…”

“We’ll improbe!” “We’ll be kinder when we treat others!”

The gang members knelt downbefore me. Yondaime shot me a look, hinting me for to do something. Seriously, I wanted to jump out of the window…

“How do we become more approachable?” “We’re a bunch of gorillas though.”

“Can’t we imitate some popular animals?” “But those popular animals are all small, right?” “We can’t change out of our black uniforms. We don’t have the money.” “Anyway, is there really an animal that’s black, large and popular?”

“A panda!” “That’s it!” “You’re pretty smart!” Seriously, none of these add up.

“Alright, get the white paint!”

“Sou-san, are the panda eyes black or white?”

Yondaime landed a punch on the face of Rocky, who asked the question.

“Blue!” “As to be expected of you, Sou-san!”

The others saw the blue bruise appear on Rocky’s eye as the latter fell over, and started a ruckus. Yondaime was taken aback by how stupid they were, and after a second, he turned to look at me,

“Hey, get these idiots to shut up. You’re the expert, right?”

Not at all!

But if they were to continue with this tomfoolery while blocking the door, I wouldn’t be able to return back. No choice. I could only approach Pole and the others who were blocking the door, debating furiously over the color of a panda’s paw.

“Erm, dressing up as a panda isn’t a good thing.”

“Why!?” "Aren't pandas popular!?”

“I bought some sasamochi!” “We'll just eat the bamboo leaves, so please finish the rest, aniki!”

No thanks. I'll puke from eating too much. Wait, this isn't the time for this.

“Think about it, aren't pandas black and white?”

“Yeah!" “That's why we're using white paint--”

“Black and white are the same colors as a patrol car, right? Those are police colors. Is it really okay to be dressed like them?”

The hunks in black T-shirts paled in unison,

“I-I see...”

“We never thought of that...”

“As to be expected of you, aniki. Straight to the point!”

“We're all idiots!”

“We nearly became one of the stripes!”

They really bought what I said. Even I found this to be utterly ridiculous.

“Hey, now's not the time to be spacing out here!” Pole turned back to yell at the others, “Get to Ueno park and duke it out against the pandas!”

“Righto!” “Can't let the stripes underestimate us!”

The gang members stormed towards the exit of the office. While I was wondering if these gorillas should be caged in Ueno zoo, Yondaime said,

“You're not going to command them?”

“Don't say that!” No way am I going to lead this circus!

*