Maria-sama ga Miteru:Volume30 Chapter2 3

Frivolity and Self-loathing. Part 3.

They began their time at the amusement park with everyone riding the steam train together. When they disembarked, Noriko thought that it had been a splendid idea from Yoshino-sama.

At the very least, it had been for the White Rose sisters. Squeezed into that single carriage with the rest of the passengers, they felt the vibrations of the train track as they were quickly whisked around the grounds. The gentle caress of the wind coming through the open windows upon Noriko's face had relaxed her. If it had just been the two of them, the situation would have seemed more serious, so much so that she would have been conscious of how she was breathing.

So when Yumi-sama had enthusiastically asked, "Who wants to go to the haunted house?" Noriko raised her hand without hesitation. She loved Shimako-san, and they really needed to have a proper talk soon, but for now she just wanted to spend a bit more time with her friends.

Shimako-san said, "I wonder if we should go too," perhaps because she understood Noriko's feelings. As usual, Noriko's chest tightened when she saw Shimako-san smile.

Shimako-san had said that, "It's not that big a deal," but Noriko couldn't set it aside that easily. But, while still not knowing what she should do, Noriko realized that there had been nothing she could have done all along. All she could do was take the hit, but she was running away to try and avoid that.

What had been her state of mind when she first discovered that Shimako-san was the daughter of a Buddhist priest? No matter how hard Noriko tried to remember, she couldn't. Shimako-san's secret had been announced to the whole school, making it no longer a secret, then they had become soeurs, and the quiet, peaceful days had piled up one on top of the other.

Certainly, there were still many things she didn't know about Shimako-san. But Noriko had never considered that this would be one of them.

Some lively music intruded on Noriko's thoughts. It looked as though a parade had started on Main Street. The group of friends she was walking with had paused to watch as well.

The characters in their brilliant costumes sang, danced and paraded. The spectating children waved at the bears and squealed with delight. Everyone seemed to be having fun.

Still, as the parade became more and more cheerful, Noriko became more and more depressed. Or perhaps her mood hadn't changed from five minutes ago, it just seemed more or less pronounced depending on the excitement level of her surroundings. Like if someone had been walking along a flat road for a long time and suddenly there were mountains towering over them on each side, they'd think they were in a valley. That kind of thing. Probably.

(Was it a heavy burden for you?)

Even now, the words Shimako-san said to her about an hour ago lingered in her mind.

Shimako-san, standing right beside her and smiling as she shook the bear's hand, seemed incredibly mysterious.

Noriko had arranged to meet with Shimako-san at the subway's ticket gate.

They would both be taking the same JR train-line to get there, but they had delayed their meeting because it was too hard to organize a rendezvous on-board a train.

Noriko disembarked from the JR train just after 9:10am. They had arranged to meet at 9:20am, so it was perfect timing. She looked around as she walked to their meeting place, thinking they both may have caught the same train, but when she got there Shimako-san was already waiting for her.

Since Shimako-san lived further away, she had probably left earlier to make sure she arrived on time. She might seem light and fluffy, but she was actually very diligent and earnest.

"Gokigenyou."

After exchanging greetings, they walked towards the platform. From time to time they would go on outings to churches, temples and statues of Buddha together, but this was their first time going to an amusement park. Consequently, Noriko was a bit giddy with delight, although she wasn't aware of it.

"We're only changing trains once but it all looks so complicated."

Shimako-san said, as she unfolded a map of the train lines in Tokyo's outskirts.

"It's alright. I know my way around here really well, so leave it to me."

Noriko smiled, saying that, obviously, the reason she knew her way around here wasn't because she was always going to the amusement park. One of her relatives used to live in this area and they would often come and visit, and, as a child, she had often traveled to Tokyo alone to view various statues of Buddha.

"Alright, I'll follow you."

Shimako-san said, quickly putting the map back in her bag. Noriko was gladdened by that small gesture, which said, "I have faith in you."

There weren't as many people on the platform as during rush hour on a weekday, but there were more than Noriko had expected. She thought there was no way that all these people would be going to the amusement park, but predicted that about two-thirds of them would get on the same train as her and Shimako-san. Since people usually faced in the direction that the train they wanted to catch was coming from.

The train arrived not that long after, and the number of people getting on the train was roughly what Noriko had predicted. A lot of people got off the train as well, so it wasn't too crowded. They could stand normally, without brushing up against other people.

They stood opposite the door they had used to board, beside the closed door. They'd have to take care when their door was open not to obstruct the people getting on or off, but while it was closed they could have a leisurely conversation.

"I wonder if everyone's coming."

Shimako-san said softly as she looked out the window.

"It seems like Yoshino-san and Rei-sama will definitely be there."

"I'm not sure about Touko and Kanako-san. I wanted to call them and find out, but since it was supposed to be entirely optional I didn't feel like I should."

Over the telephone it would be easy to mistake a simple question of whether or not they were going for an imposition.

"That's true. And the amusement park costs money too... Noriko, are you okay?"

Shimako-san's sudden inquiry implied that she had only just considered this. She was probably worried because Noriko lived away from her parents.

"I have money set aside for unexpected expenses, plus I still have some left over from my New Year's gift."

She curled her index finger around to meet her thumb, making the OK sign. Her hobby of viewing Buddha statues didn't usually require much money, but there were the occasional massive spikes. Like when there was an exhibition of a Buddha statue that was only shown once every few years, at a place that was too far away for a day-trip, and she had to pay for travel and lodging. Consequently, Noriko was used to budgeting and keeping some spare cash on hand.

"In my case, I thought I'd be able to pay for it myself, but."

Shimako-san smiled ruefully.

"But?"

It seemed like someone else was footing the bill for Shimako-san's fun today.

"My father gave me a special allowance."

"Your father?"

Shimako-san's father was the chief priest of the fairly large Buddhist temple called Shouguuji, and friend of Noriko's boyfriend / partner-in-Buddhist-statue-admiration, Takuya-kun. He was a cheerful and funny guy, whether he was wearing his monk's robes or not.

"Strange, isn't it? If any normal girl were in my place, she'd be delighted."

"…"

Somehow or other, Noriko felt like she understood.

Shimako-san's father would feel more at ease with a daughter tainted by the world, rather than one who stubbornly brooded over becoming a nun. And, understanding that, Shimako-san had decided to gratefully accept his money and go out and have some fun.

"I guess you never pester your parents for things you want, Shimako-san."

Looking at her, you wouldn't think she had any worldly desires.

"You do, Noriko?"

"I do. For Christmas, I pestered them for a 10,000 yen photobook of statues of Buddha."

"For Christmas you wanted a photobook of – "

"Statues of Buddha. It's odd, right?"

"Perhaps. A little."

While they were both giggling, the train stopped and the door they were standing next to opened. The two of them stood back and watched as the train seemed to breathe, exhaling old passengers and inhaling new ones. Then the train's mouth closed, and it resumed its rattling journey. At that point, Noriko resumed their conversation.

"I want to talk to you about Touko."

"Touko-chan?"

Shimako-san cocked her head. That name had only been mentioned in passing in their earlier conversation. Noriko's classmate, the girl who may or may not be going to the amusement park. Someone who probably considered Noriko her friend.

"I asked Touko to tell me the details about her date with Yumi-sama. This was after the report had been published in the Lillian Kawaraban. I asked her casually, without thinking about it too hard, since they were now safely soeurs."

"Ohh."

"I thought the report was just an excerpt, but I was wrong. The places they went were all in there. Then I started wondering, did that mean that anybody could follow the same trail as them and have the same date. I can't explain it all that well, but the things that weren't written in the report – their conversations and emotions – those would probably be completely different."

Noriko asked herself, "What am I trying to say?" Certainly, when she started this conversation there had been something she wanted to say to Shimako-san. But the more she talked, the further it seemed she was getting from that, to the point where she had become trapped in a maze of her own words.

But Shimako-san didn't hurry her, instead listening to Noriko's words with a calm expression. Not dragging her forwards, just waiting nonchalantly by the exit. That kind of feeling.

"When she was a baby, Touko's real parents both died in a car accident. She went to visit the location of that accident with Yumi."

"Hold on a moment."

Shimako-san interrupted her.

"Is this something you should be telling me?"

What Noriko had just blurted out may have been something she was told by Touko in confidence. It was therefore only natural that Shimako-san would want to confirm that it was okay.

"Yeah."

Noriko nodded.

"Touko said it was okay if I told you. That she knew it was painful to keep things from your onee-sama."

Actually, Touko had laughed. She said that Rosa Chinensis and Yumi-sama already knew, so there was no need to hide it anymore.

It seemed that, for Touko, the main question had been whether or not Yumi-sama knew about this. Since she had broken through that barrier and was able to speak openly with Yumi-sama, it was of no concern if the rest of her friends knew as well. If anything, she seemed revitalized by it, although that was a poor way of putting it.

"I see."

Shimako-san nodded slightly, then her expression changed to one of understanding.

"If I had known that during the Christmas party, I could have had a different conversation with her."

"Christmas party?"

Again, an old conversation was mentioned. About three months old, now.

"Back then, she asked if I would succeed my father in the family business."

"Ahh – "

That explains it. This time it was Noriko with the expression of understanding.

Touko had told her that her grandfather owned a hospital near the accident site and that her father had no plans to succeed him. Apparently she was thinking about shouldering the burden of the hospital in her father's place. Shimako-san's family ran a temple, so perhaps Touko asked because she thought it could serve as a reference.

"So, what was your response, Shimako-san?"

"I said I wasn't sure, but thought it would be better if my older brother succeeded my father."

"I see."

Shimako-san had a much older brother. He was an enigma of a man, who at one point was a Buddhist monk but now occasionally made sweets (apparently).

"But even if I had known about the accident, I still wouldn't have been able to offer any pertinent advice. Everybody is different, so my experience wouldn't necessarily apply."

At that point, Noriko equivocally said, "I guess so," and let the matter drop. People who had lived long lives had all kinds of experiences so could more easily place themselves in the other person's position, whereas someone who was only a little bit older wouldn't be able to offer much advice. Noriko knew that was the prevailing view amongst the general population.

So Noriko returned to their earlier conversation. There was something she wanted to hear Shimako-san's opinion on.

"I was useless. I'd blundered into this heavy conversation in a light, thoughtless manner. I didn't know what I should have said to Touko – "

Noriko was just as useless in this current conversation, although she hadn't yet realized it.

She believed that Shimako would smile and warn her to show more discretion in the future.

Instead, what awaited her was Shimako-san's serious face.

"When Touko-chan told you this, was it a heavy burden for you?"

"Huh?"

"Did you regret that you heard it, Noriko?"

Why was Shimako-san throwing these questions at her?

"I'm not sure. Why do you ask?"

Noriko really wasn't sure of her true feelings, but what would Shimako-san's reaction have been if she had said that it was a heavy burden and that she did regret hearing it?

Shimako-san wasn't Touko. So why was she fixated on this?

Suddenly, Noriko's heart started hammering in her chest.

(What was it that Shimako-san had said about the Christmas party?)

She said, "If I had known that during the Christmas party, I could have had a different conversation with her."

("If I had known that" – what was the 'that'?)

That Touko wasn't really her parent's child.

(No way.)

Noriko looked at Shimako-san.

"It looks like I'm the useless one again."

Shimako-san silently turned and looked straight at her.

"To me, it's not that big a deal. So I was going to bring it up as a casual conversation, without thinking that it might be a difficult thing to hear."

Wait, don't just keep the conversation flowing. At least, not until she'd had some time to mentally prepare herself. Just as she was thinking this, Noriko realized she already had some inkling of where this conversation was headed.

"On top of that, I haven't found a way to tactfully broach the subject."

Noriko wanted to avert her gaze. To close her ears. But she couldn't. Shimako-san had already noticed.

"But I see you've already figured it out, Noriko."

"Shimako-san."

Noriko wanted to cry, not knowing what else to do. But that was the one thing she couldn't do. Noriko desperately repeated this to herself like a mantra. Shimako-san still hadn't said anything.

"Right."

Shimako-san smiled.

"I'm not the child of my two parents."

Noriko thought that it would have kept gnawing away at her mind if she had managed to evade this conversation. Therefore, Shimako-san's choice was definitely the correct one.

Still, even if she had managed to deduce it, it was still a shock to hear the truth coming directly from Shimako-san's mouth.

She was also shocked at the fact that she was currently shocked.

Noriko was thrown into confusion, questioning why she was shocked.

Regardless of whose child Shimako-san was, Shimako-san was Shimako-san and Noriko's feelings for her shouldn't change.

So then, why was she so upset?

Was it a feeling of pity that Shimako-san didn't know her parents? Was it the shock momentarily overwhelming her sense of compassion?

A family didn't have to be bonded by blood. There were plenty of parents lovingly raising non-blood-related children. Conversely, there were also blood-related families that were miserable.

"We'll discuss this properly. Let's get off the train."

Shimako-san took hold of Noriko's hand.

"Huh?"

"This is where we change trains, right?"

When the doors opened, the two of them were caught in the crowd of passengers getting off the train. Noriko looked up and saw the name of the station and, sure enough, this was the place where they had to get off.

Even so, they both remained motionless for a while. After watching the other passengers get sucked into the stairway, they sat down on an empty bench.

"I know you've met my older brother. But, the truth is, … there was another brother, older than Masafumi."

Shimako-san spoke in past tense – 'There was another brother.'

"He was my real father."

"So then..."

The chief priest at Shouguuji was Shimako-san's –

"My grandfather. Although they're now listed as my parents in the family register."

"What happened to your real mother and father?"

"They died. Much like Touko-chan, it happened when I was just a baby."

"When did you find out about it?"

"I've always known about it – my parents explained it to me when I was very young. Perhaps they would have tried to hide it from me if my real parents had been strangers, but since their son was my father, it was bound to come out sooner or later."

Traces of their dead son's life undoubtedly remained in various places around the house. It would be hard to remove them all so that Shimako-san never saw them. It would probably be equally difficult to tell Shimako-san that he was her elder brother. And it would be nigh-impossible to keep that a secret in a place like their temple, with so many people coming and going. As the eldest son of the head priest, he would have been known to everyone in the community.

"So that's why it's not something that I find particularly worth mentioning."

Like pointing at fresh leaves and teaching her that they were the color green. Or like teaching her that a priest was a job, much like a fishmonger or chauffeur. She had been taught that she had dead parents, and living parents. That was how Shimako-san spoke about it.

"Since it was all so natural to me, I never realized that it was such a serious topic. If I had known, I would have told you earlier. I'm sorry, Noriko."

Noriko looked down and shook her head numerous times.

The reason it had never come up in conversation wasn't because Shimako-san was hiding it, but because she wasn't aware that it was special.

Even now, Shimako-san probably didn't think of it that way. Despite that, she had adopted a serious expression and spoke about the matter as though it were of importance. Noriko felt like she was the one who should apologize.

But if she apologized here, Shimako-san would be even more conscious of her feelings. Therefore, she mustn't appear gloomy.

"Noriko?"

Shimako-san was inquiring if she was alright, so Noriko smiled.

"I'm fine. It just took me by surprise is all."

Noriko rose from the bench, indicating it was about time they left. If they waited around here too long then the next train would arrive and the platform would once more be full of people.

"Okay. Lead the way, please."

"Leave it to me."

Noriko nodded, took hold of Shimako-san's hand and cheerfully headed towards the staircase.

Looking back on it, her cheerfulness has probably been a front to hide her confusion, a false bravado, as she hadn't yet regained her presence of mind.

Even though Noriko knew the area quite well, and even though they got on the right train line, they caught the in-bound train rather than the out-bound train they were supposed to catch.

As a result, when they finally arrived at the amusement park thirty minutes late, Noriko was feeling doubly depressed. No longer able to squeeze out any more bravado, she had become reticent.

The bear from the parade that had been shaking Shimako-san's hand made his way over to Noriko, and patted her on the shoulder.

She couldn't hear what the man inside the bear costume was saying, but he seemed to be encouraging her to "Cheer up."