Omae o Otaku ni Shiteyaru kara, Ore o Riajuu ni Shitekure!:Volume 8 Chapter 1
This is an incomplete chapter.
Chapter 1
To me, she was my 『Hope』.
If I had told you that I had no worries about my high school life, I would have been lying. Will I experience the pain memories I had during middle school again? Will I just spend my high school life mundanely? It was a natural thing for me to hold such negative thoughts.
However, on the first day of high school, ever since I set my eyes on her...... on Hasegawa Midori, my heart was brimming with hope. Even though I had no basis at all, after meeting her, the hope that I would be able to have a fun high school life filled my entire heart.
That lustrous black hair, beautiful marble-like iris, and also those long eyelashes fringing her eyes, her snowy fair skin...... she was my ideal in every way.
I wanted to know her true self. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to make her happy. And also...... I wanted her to like me. Before I knew it, that became a deep-seated desire within me.
Right now, my 『Hope』, Hasegawa Midori...... was looking at me with wide opened eyes, greatly surprised, unable to say anything.
The source of her surprise was none other than my words.
The cold night wind brushed against my cheek, and I became calm.
I finally...... confessed my feelings to Hasegawa.
Hasegawa and I played the main roles of the play, Snow White, which was what our class did for the Cultural Festival, and we managed to pull it off without any major hitches. After that, I also succeeded in bringing together Hasegawa and her brother, Yamamoto, whom she had been on bad terms with for a long time, and they managed to reconcile with each other. Then, after Hasegawa expressed her gratitude to me, I confessed my Otaku secret to her. While I was feeling anxious about whether or not she would hate me for it, she said to me, "Kashiwada, whether you are an Otaku or not, it doesn't change the fact that you are an important person to me"; those words could make me die a happy man.
With those words spurring me on...... I ended up going all out and confessed my feelings to her.
I never had the intention of saying it at this kind of timing. I wanted to become closer to her, and only when I feel that Hasegawa has completely opened her heart to me, I would then confess to her. And now wasn't that time yet......
The overflowing feelings I had for Hasegawa could no longer be suppressed any longer.
"...... ahh, ...... erm......"
Hasegawa uttered in a soft voice after staying quiet for a while.
At the same time, my heart started beating wildly.
That's right, I've confessed and Hasegawa...... she's about to respond to my feelings.
What should I do...... what will she say?
Both hope and anxiety surged up inside my heart. On one hand, I didn't want to hear it...... but, there was a chance in a million that it could be a favorable reply...... when I thought of that, I wished that she could quickly say what she wanted to say.
Without looking at my eyes, Hasegawa opened her mouth.
"Erh............ I'm really happy, the fact that Kashiwada is an important, irreplaceable friend to me has not changed but...... erm......"
The usual lucid Hasegawa wavered considerably, and spoke haltingly, which was unlike of her.
--- when I heard all that...... I had an ominous feeling.
"Those feelings of mine...... I don't think they are of a romantic nature...... and right now...... I can't afford the time for romance as well...... and I'm not too sure about such things yet......"
This was the first time I saw Hasegawa look so troubled. The cause of that was of course me. While I listened to her words, I could feel the blood draining from my face.
"I'm............ sorry."
Hasegawa bowed her word at the same time she apologized.
"Sorry"
..............................in other words, that meant......
I desperately tried to think about the meaning behind Hasegawa's words with my unmoving brain.
No matter how positive I tried to look at it...... I could arrive at only one conclusion.
I told her that I liked her as a person of the opposite gender and in response to that...... she did not feel the same and was thus sorry.
In other words, that meant......
Hasegawa was saying that she did not like me in that manner.
In a mere instant...... I confessed to Hasegawa and fell out of love.
I was a fool...... it was obviously a foregone conclusion. Why did I confess at such a time? I should know full well that...... Hasegawa didn't like me in the romantic manner.
...... no...... that's not it......
I was actually hoping for it in the corner of my heart. When Hasegawa told me that I was an important, irreplaceable person to her, I thought it might be that...... I thought it mean as a guy, in the romantic sense; I ended up following the line of thought in the direction of what I was hoping for...... "Maybe Hasegawa have the same feelings as me", "Maybe she also likes me", misled thoughts like those filled my head.
What a fool I was.
If it were possible, I wanted to turn the clock back 5 minutes. I wouldn't have confessed so recklessly. Then...... I wouldn't have ended up with this wretched feeling inside of me.
By the time I came back to my senses, Hasegawa was looking at me worriedly as I had been keeping quiet for quite a while. She wanted to say something to me, but seemingly unsure of what to say, she looked troubled.
"Ah...... t-that's right! I'm sorry, what was I talking about all of a sudden......"
I forced myself to plaster a smile on my face and spoke with a energetic voice as much as possible.
However, my voice sounded unstrung in the end and the front I had put up should be obvious, I supposed.
"I must have caught the excitement of the Cultural Festival and acted up all of a sudden...... hahaha, sorry, please forget it!"
I sounded desperate toward the end.
"Ah, well, I'm going back!"
I smoothened my face with a smile, waved to Hasegawa, and brisked left the place...... I wanted to get away from Hasegawa as quickly as I could.
"Ka-Kashiwada-kun......"
Hasegawa called out to my fleeing back, but I ignored it and kept walking.
The campfire’s bright flames, the happy conversations of the other students annoyed me. I don’t want to see them. I wanted to be alone away from everyone’s eyes.
I returned to the school building. I took off my shoes and went to the quiet inside. Here was better than being in the school garden.
I got dumped….
I confessed and I felt like swaying for the first time in my life. I buried my face in my knees. I don’t want to but the scene repeated in my head several times.
My miserable confession. Hasegawa’s troubled face. And her rejection.
Even though I liked Hasegawa so much, she didn’t like me. I suppose I should have understood why. Caught up in the moment, I did something weird. Hasegawa told me I was an “irreplaceable person”, but all it meant was “as a friend”. My feelings for Hasegawa and Hasegawa’s feelings for me are quite different. That’s all there is….and its so painful and sad.
Mysteriously, I shed no tears. But my heart beat so fast that it made my chest hurt.
Oh, that’s right…. I realized another sad thing. Starting tomorrow, I can no longer speak to Hasegawa normally. Even though I am an “important irreplaceable person” to her, our friendship would be stiff until it breaks. And Hasegawa will never give me her smile again. She will notice that everything I have done so far was to be close to her.
Everything I see is ruined. My thoughts are unpleasant. My love is ending.
What can I say to the person who helped me? According to her, if you put in effort and care, there is a possibility. However, I got destroyed prematurely. I have no face to show to that person.
Oh, I wonder what should I look forward tomorrow. What would be my goals? I don’t want to think about anything anymore. I do not want to move one step from here.
Then I heard a noise from nearby. Since I am looking down, I don’t know what it is. And I don’t have the strength to lift my head. I wonder if a teacher or someone else noticed me and followed me into the school.
“...Kashiwada?...”
I raised my face to that voice. Koigasaki was looking at my face and she was surprised.
“Kashiwada, what….what are you doing?”
When Koigasaki’sface came closer, she saw my stupid face.
“I saw someone enter the school building. I thought the back looked familiar. What are you doing here alone? Why are you not at the campfire?”
I heard all but I spoke in my mind, It’s troublesome but I betrayed you without permission. I said without looking at her, “Hey, there are various things happening, I am tired so I’m taking a rest…”
I didn’t feel like adding more. I thought that Koigasaki was going well tonight. It seems that she was talking to Suzuki at the campfire earlier. Did Koigasaki…confess? What happened…? I was curious about the result. However, if she told me that her confession was accepted, I feel like I would die. But, I can’t keep my curiosity.
“Well…what?”
“What kind of..is that..?”
Koigasaki finally realized that our situations are different. I became silent and she kept staring at me. I was waiting for her to leave the school building then….she suddenly sat down in the same stairs, a little away from me.
What on earth is going on? Can you not read the mood?
I decided to ignore her and sank my face to my knees again. I closed my eyes and tried not to think as much as possible.
…..How much time has passed? I don’t know as I haven’t looked at my watch but I think enough time has passed. In that time, I didn’t say a single word as I looked at the scene outside the school entrance. The students having fun are gradually disappearing. Hasegawa…did you already go home? Were you troubled after I left you alone? Well, I was troubled.
Inexplicably, Koigasaki did not move from her position in the stairs. She’s still the same as me. I did not say a single word as there was nothing to talk about. I was wondering, why are you here? How long are you going to stay here?
“What are you doing? You…please go home….” I called to Koigasaki beside me.
Even if you stay here. I cannot tell you anything yet. I don’t want to talk.
“I am also tired and resting…” Koigasaki told an outright lie. “How long will you stay here?”
Certainly, it was a good time to go home…but I still could not make myself move from here. Even though I am drowsy, my mood hasn’t changed.
“….I am really tired…leave me alone…” I felt sick as I said this, knowing that I would have to go home soon.
“….No”
“….What?” I doubted my ears, “....did you say?”
Koigasaki muttered after a while…”Since…it is impossible for us to return home as we lost face we might as well jump off the roof.”
“?!?!?!” I was surprised by Koigasaki and I looked at her face. In other words, this person….I was so worried about myself and did not notice her situation. Still, if you did not ask me about it, how can we talk about it? I had a sentimental feeling….somehow tears fell for a while. I was touched by Koigasaki’s concern and was feeling awkward. Although I did not cry right after being dumped by Hasegawa, really tears never fell.
After thinking for a while I said what was on my mind.
“Got dumped….”
“….Huh?” Koigasaki’s eyes widened at my words.
“I told you earlier, Hasegawa looked troubled at the campfire.”
“….Ehhhh…”
Koigasaki looked insultingly at me. I did not say anything as her face looked hardened like stone. I leaned back against the stairs, while not looking at Koigasaki.
“I am stupid… I rushed to my death”
Koigasawa said nothing.
Hmmmm, are you afraid? I wonder if she is dragging me out of my mood. I turned to look at the side opposite to Koigasaki
“Seriously, I cannot do anything myself. I went with the flow even though I knew it was impossible. Despite all that, you still helped me.”
“Kashiwada”
“?”
“No need to say anything anymore”
At that moment, warm feelings wrapped me. I was surprised and felt awkward. When I turned around, Koigasaki…whose body was next to me…was hugging me from the side.
“Koigasaki?”
I called that name in a shaky voice. Her face was on my shoulder, I felt her soft body and smelled the scent of her hair. The I noticed…
“You…are you crying?”
Koigasaki’s tears are falling on my shoulders.
Why are you crying…? My hand is trembling. Even though I am no good at this, I forced my trembling hand to comfort her.
“You always looked so tough. Do not blame yourself in any way.”
Koigasaki raised her face a little, continues to hold me while looking at my eyes.
“Here, Koigasaki…..”
Koigasaki’s easy tenderness warms me. Her warmth cheered me p, it felt like I was being saved. Stroking Koigasawa’s arms seemed to help me forget everything.
“I felt like I saw her enter the school building just a while ago.”
At the same time, I heard voices in a distance. Koigasaki also responded to it and separated from me. Two people were near the entrance of the school building. Looking closer, they were friends of Koigasaki. If people see us inside the school building alone it would look suspicious.
“Hey, get out…”
“..Ehhh..”
“It will be dangerous if they saw you inside the building…”
“Oh yeah…” She suddenly returned to reality. Let’s see, I was able to talk to Koigasaki in a strange, calm feeling. Although I’m still upset, she agreed with me and stood up. She ran fast towards Sasagawa and Amamiya.
After Koigasaki left, I was left alone on the stairs. I fell down, laughing. Finally, I was able to talk almly with Koigasaki. It seemed to be a lie. Now my heart’s stiffness seemed to be broken. It is now thumping excitedly. I felt Koigasaki’s shoulders and back. Her freash scent remained with me. Koigasaki’s warmth when she hugged me and her gentle words…saved me.
My realization blew me away. I felt that I did not thank Koigasaki enough for it. Even though I am grateful, I felt awful. What do I mean? Why did she comfort me during my bad mood by saying something like “jump off the rooftop’? I think it was…but…well that’s it.
Of course it was the first time to be hugged by a girl. My blushing was covered thanks to the darkness of the school building. I felt sweat in my hands and all over.
Originally…did she confess to Suzuki earlier? What happened? Was it successful? Or did the confession fail? Was she confessed to first? If she was worried so much, she should have listened to me a while ago. The more I think about it, the less I understood Koigasaki’s feelings.
Situations, loss, pain in love and much shaking and holding. The cultural festival came to a close.
Chapter 2
The next day after the cultural festival was a holiday.
I did not feel like going outside, and even though I did not feel like playing games, I did not get out of bed all day.
As I lazily laid down on my bed, my mind kept playing back the scenes when Hasegawa rejected me. Wearing a Snow White princess costume, her face filled my head. How to erase the pain of the valuable holidays….I am such a fool.
“Rise and shine!” came the excited words of Akari who entered my room without permission.
No response from me.
“......, ... Naoki ............? "
I heard Akari but my head is filled with other things. The scene in the mountains, under the stars with Hasegawa. Today my heart is content watching the scenes in my head.
"Ma ...... Mama ─ ─ um! Naoki .... finally got sickness of the heart!”
No matter what Akari said, I did not react and my eyes are stayed closed.
Although Akari kept talking to Okaa-san, she is still not stopping.
"Wait......! Akari where did you learn that?"
There was no communication from Koisagasaki and Hasegawa all day that day. Of course, I also did not contact anyone.
The next day.
After a sleepless night, I greeted the morning and prepared for school with heavy feelings. Hasegawa ... ... and also Koigasaki .... What kind of face do I show if we meet up? I don’t want to see them, but it cannot be avoided as we are in the same class. While I was thinking about such things, I arrived in the classroom in no time. I went inside feeling depressed…. "Oh, Kashiwada!"
"Did you get tired yesterday?”
"……eh!?" My classmates who are talking around the teacher’s desk went over to me. These guys never talked to me before the cultural festival.
"Oh, ah ... ...." I am thinking what to reply.
"The class play, it seems that the reviews were unexpectedly good!"
"Kashiwada in women’s clothes is quite funny!"
The two boys are talking about the play at the cultural festival.
"Eh? Really?
"Kashiwada really looked good in women’s clothes!"
The good-looking girls said that (who never spoke to me so far) with a laugh.
"Oh, ha ha ... ...."
While being puzzled, I also laughed.
It was my first time since I enrolled that I was happy with my classmates who are not normally very friendly like this. I feel like, to be honest...back in elementary school.
I am glad. Until the cultural festival, the majority of my classmates would have not spoken to me. Being recognized and talking with them has overshadowed the embarrassment I felt in the play……
It was good to do Snow White. It made me laugh while exposing my embarrassing figure. I think that it was worth it. The desperation and the anxiety of forgetting your lines. I was going to my seat with a refreshed mood, then….
"Kashida-kun"
It happened suddenly. I was surprised by familiar voice. Turning around ... ... There is the familiar figure of Hasegawa.
Is it me or do I see Hasegawa a little sad in her eyes? Staring at me and is approaching me.
Why……? Why, did you call me like that?
I also see the face of Hasegawa now, it is empty. It is painful.
"Hasegawa ...... Good morning"
After greeting Hasegawa, I went to my seat quickly to escape.
Hasegawa may have been trying to say something, but ... I definitely do not want to talk anymore.
"Kashiwada…"
Kiritani grinning, said from behind me
"Before you came this morning, various rumors are going around about you and Hasegawa during the cultural festival. The rumors are also going around the classes and other schools….”
Some cute girls who were going around together during the school festival were talking about this in their backs….
"Rumors ... What rumors?"
Hasegawa and Sakurai were going around together in the cultural festival, some guys were witnesses…and other rumors of the same sort….
Anyway, the rumors are not about me? Although its ok by me, the rumors has depressed Hasegawa.
"What happens with the girls flying around the cultural festival, what's going on!? By the way, what happened to you at the late night festival!? " "Oh, ah ......"
Because ...... at the festival, I confessed to Hasegawa. I completely forgot about it. But ......this guy, knew that I was in the campfire with Hasegawa. However, I have no plans to confess at that time but....
"Afterwards, I casually went looking for Saga but couldn’t find him…Did you find Hasegawa? Did you tell her!? "
Damn, this is the topic I don’t want to talk about the most now. However, I annot lie to Kiritani who is asking worriedly.
"Nothing don’t listen to anything ......" I said in a low voice.
"eh……!?"
I'm sitting with my back turned to Kiritani
"Hey ... are you serious?"
"The results are largely what you guessed ... ....”
No doubt, I did not expect the day to report like this ... .... Saying it, I became sadder. I saw the dark face of Kiritani become more and more white. Even I can’t believe I confessed; moreover it seems that I did not think that Kiritani would also be shaken.
"Man, it is serious….Because it was the cultural festival, I thought that it is perfectly good feeling ..."
While uncharacteristically Paulo was panicked for a while, looking for something to say.
"Ah...... Well cheer up! Look, I heard it is difficult in the beginning. Ok, I know! I am going to a girls' school, we'll make a blind date setting!”
Kiritani is patting my back. Thanks for the thought and for encouraging me.
Then I imperceptibly noticed that Koigesaki also was in the classroom. She is happily talking with the girls in class. Looking at Koigasaki….I remembered the day before yesterday…a nice fresh scent.
I remembered it clearly, and I blushed when I got a clue. That the seat is far away. It was one of my salvation.
Many times since then, I thought about why Koigasaki did such a thing……No matter how I think about it, I don’t know why she did it. It might be nice if we can talk about it, adjusting my feelings within myself.
"I wish that Kashiwada, do the launch of ...... the cultural festival?"
When the morning home room was finished, Kiritani spoke with a voice as if nothing had happened. Well, kind of attitude saved me.
"Launch? Oh ......"
Apparently, the festival executive committee was the topic at home room. This Friday at the Monjaya near the school I will do the launch of the cultural festival, so that people who can get out should be as much as possible....
"I ...... pass…"
I could not bring myself to participate in such an event. In this dark mood I think I would not enjoy it at all. And I would have to be close to the seat of ...... Hasegawa, it would seem like prison.
"I’m serious. What would happen to the leading role if you don’t come?"
Kiritani says in a teasing tone. What main role...... is that like the role of Snow White in the play? It is certainly the leading role. However, the launch would not change even if I do not participate.
"But, well, that's right ... ...."
Kiritani said with a wry smile as he looked at my face. I have thought that I do not want to go into the matter of Hasegawa. Rising with a fast pen, he wrote his name towards the "in the absence of" of the outgoing absence table. In the unlikely event a cultural festival committee member and others say something, I will say that there is a need. Well, even if I do not go or go it does not change, and I already said something about not going, I don’t think there is anyone else who would say more ... ....
"Kashiwada-kun ..."
"...... Tsu!?"
I was surprised at the voice. I turned around and there was Hasegawa just outside the immediate vicinity.
Well, what on earth....?
She is a little pale and shaking. Then she came straight staring at my eyes. I immediately looked away from Hasegawa.
"Are not out of the launch ...?"
Hasegawa, saw that my name to those of the "absence" has been written, it has been multiplied by the so voice.
"What? Oh, yeah ......"
"Well if possible…I want you to participate......"
"……Huh?"
For a moment, I was surprised by the words of Hasegawa. But, I noticed that immediately the words of the class president
"I'm sorry ... but ... because there is a reason."
"… is that so…"
Talking with Hasegawa was very awkward for me. I want to end it soon.
"Ah, but ...... maybe most of the people ...... I think will participate?"
As Hasegawa was the class president, I thought she wanted the participation of a lot of classmates as much as possible so I used this as a follow-up.
"............ I, I ......"
Hasegawa spoke something as I was leaving with my back turned.
"I...... I wanted Kashiwada come."
She spoke with her head down and without looking at my face.
"Oh ... I'm sorry ...! What ..."
I started to say so I returned to my seat.
...... I want you to come?
What are you saying Hasegawa.....Why did you say such a thing while keep waving at me... !?
I looked at the characters of "Kashiwada" that I wrote under the "absence" with a confused head. I myself wrote to the bottom of the character of the "absence" a befuddled head the character of "Kashiwada"
Hasegawa, a little angry,
“Now erase your name and write it under the "attendance"
Even though I thought about fixing it, I was irritated when I was caught.
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