Talk:Campione!:Volume 5 Chapter3

To Mane:

Thank you for your efforts in editing. I like the way you prioritize conciseness.

Comments:

Try not to alter styles of speech. If Ena likes to call Yuri "that child," you don't have to change it to "girl."

Furthermore, semicolons are cool and all, but they seem a bit out of place in spoken dialogue. Especially someone unsophisticated like Ena. In fact, it would not be wrong to leave some errors and awkwardness in Ena's speech to reflect the rhythm and strangeness of her speech.

If you feel strongly against "Don't worry, ..." constructions (i.e. the use of a comma after "worry"), I'd prefer if you use a fullstop instead of a semicolon.

Try not to eliminate or alter similes and metaphors unless they really don't work in English. I may not like Godou comparing Erica's breasts to cantaloupes or rubber balls, but I keep them anyway because the author wrote them. (Not that you changed these in particular, those two are just examples of descriptions that clearly could be improved.)

curtain of hair: I have to reject this... The word curtain conjures images of hair draped over the face in the manner of Sadako (The Ring).

If you don't know the specifics of the tea ceremony, don't go changing utensil or container into cup. It's more of a bowl, but I don't see a need to change the author's wording.

Italicizing thoughts. I'm going to veto this on my own translations unless Kadi mandates the practice across the board. Since Campione is written using third person limited narration, it is always clear from the beginning of a scene which character is the focus and whose thoughts are interjected from time to time. Sometimes it's obvious (especially emotional outbursts), but these thoughts are not identified in any special way in the original text. I'd rather give readers the credit of deciding for themselves which are thoughts and which is narration from the perspective of the same character anyway. Furthermore, the distinction can be ambiguous when the focus character is not involved in the sentence. And then you have characters like Ena who randomly refers to herself in the third person. Hence, I'd say keep it the same as the other narration, just like the way it is in the original text.

I'm not sure, but are you actually putting back in the doublespaces separating sentences? I know there are editors who change doublespaces to single (because it has no effect on HTML) so it's best to avoid this type of back and forth editing.

-Zzhk (talk) 08:36, 18 September 2012 (CDT)

Got it. I wasn't sure how far I can take some things, so it's great that you've set some boundaries. MS word on my pc is set to flag single spaces after sentences. This has more to do with style rules at my workplace, so feel free to change those back. The cup thing confused me because the next few sentences kept swapping between (not obviously synonymous) nouns when describing the same object. I felt consistency was needed to avoid confusion, so I went with one of the nouns. I didn't know if the italics were in or out. Since past chapters had italics, I tried to conform to that for consistency's sake. I used semicolons to avoid changing the sentence structure where their absence would create sentence fragments.--Mane (talk) 09:05, 18 September 2012 (CDT)