Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter6

Suggested revisions (Cthaeh's wall of text)

Edits made to chapter 6. Suggested revision and questions below. Thanks for translating. --Cthaeh (talk) 19:58, 16 March 2014 (CDT)

Part 1

He’s different from Orba who continually moves around.

• I wanted to change to "continuously", but it's not necessarily wrong as is.

• I find continually more appropriate in this context.

And as the time approached the evening juncture that held the deciding match, the emperor himself made his appearance, as to personally hand over the golden helmet to the victor.

• Suggested revision for the first part: And as the evening juncture that held the deciding match approached, ...

• CaM

• Also, should it be "so as to personally ..."? I'm not to sure on that.

• I believe both work, but to be on the safe side, CaM.

The sounds of the gladiators and their clashing weapons below suddenly came to a dead silence, and conversely, the enthusiasm of the crowd knew no end as their roars resounded like a tidal wave.

• Rather than "knew no end", I suggest "rose to new heights" because I think it pairs better as an active action to "came to a dead silence." Of course, that change implies the enthusiasm changed after the two stopped, where as the original wording would be more likely to imply it was the same before and after the stop.

• Hmm...you do make a good point on the contrast. The raws indicate that their enthusiasm showed no signs of quieting down(this may be attributed to an increase in volume as well but that's going a bit far into assumptions). A more subtle change(not sure if it does much) is to change 'knew' to 'saw', a slightly more active verb? Nope...that's just probably sophistry on my part, it probably doesn't change anything.

• Knew/saw (or even "rose to"/saw in my suggestion) are about the same in terms of the mismatch, maybe a tiny bit better as an active verb. For me, the mismatch comes from "came to a dead silence" indicating a change and "(knew/saw) no end" implying an unchanged continuation. If that unchanged continuation is the intended meaning, then I guess you just have to sacrifice the contrast-mismatch (actually, I think "saw no end" is slightly better at implying a continuation, and "knew no end" is perhaps a little more ambiguous. Though maybe that's my imagination.) "Knew no bounds" might be another alternative doesn't imply a continuation as much, but it still doesn't match quite as well since it's still not very active.

• Alright. I'll consult with Dohma on this. I might alternatively change 'conversely' to 'on the other hand' to fix this problem.

Her hands wrapped in prayer, Vileena exclaimed a breath of relief.

• exclaimed to exhaled (or "let out"/released)?

• Errr...how'd that get in there. CaM.

“The emperor said it. No one can go against that. You’d best ready yourself.”

• Minor style suggestion (move on if you don't like it any better): "It's the emperor's order/word. No one..."

• Moving on!

I swear to have Gil Mephius’ head.

• "take Gil Mephius’ head" seems to fit a little better, but it also might make it imply more personal direct action than intended.

• It's a bit vague here, but based on wording in the raw, 'have' is better in my opinion.

How he dreamed countlessly of cutting off the necks of those nobles with the swing of his sword by his own hands.

• Suggested revision: How he dreamed continually of swinging his sword to cut of the heads of those nobles with his own hand.

• Errr, continually and countlessly are quite different in nuance. Changed to "How he dreamed countlessly of swinging his sword to cut off the heads of those nobles with his own hand."

Orba said while nodding

• Minor suggestion, but I thought "with a nod" would flow a little better (unless the change from plural to singular is significant).

• Changed to "Orba said with a nod in a voice to seemed like it belonged to another person."

To make matters worse, Orba was covered in wounds. Even the battle just now took what little of all his remaining strength.

• At the end, there are two expressions mixed together ("what little strength he had" and "all of his remaining strength"). I assume only one of those was intended? Also, I think another transition might work better than "even". I'll put down a revision with those two, not that it's the only one that would work:

- To make matters worse, Orba was covered in wounds, and the battle just now had taken what little strength he had left.

• Err, yea, though they still look to mean the same to me. I'll change to yours since it's better.

However, the actions of his feint were unable to perturb Pashir.

• I thought it might read cleaner as "However, his faint was unable..."

• CaM.

Therefore, he founded on circling his opponents and luring them in.

• Rather than "he founded on", I suggest "he relied/depended on" or "his strategy was founded on".

• Going with the latter.

And when the enemy was pulled into his space, he would deliver a strike aimed at their vitals.

• I thought there might have been something more fitting than "pulled into his space." What I came up with was "pulled into his reach," but there is a little bit of difference there. "Pulled into his territory" might be another alternative, but it might just be me that thinks that's a little different.

• Hmm, I think reach is fine here. CaM.

Part 2

Within the battle ring of the stadium, which held as much significance as any statue and had weathered years to decades of exposure, Pashir breathed life into his body and made a sharp step forward with his left foot .

• Suggesting removing "years to". This was something that I put strikethrough and highlighted red in the preliminary comments, but I don't know if the fact that it appears here means you preferred to keep it in, or that it was just overlooked.

• Preferred to keep it, just cause it was in the raws.

Their swords collided at a distance both equally away from their faces.

• Possible revision: ... a distance halfway between their faces.

• I'm bad with coming up with phrases like these. CaM.

Supposing whose life it was, supposing whose soul it was,

• I wasn't sure exactly what this meant.

• Yea, I was originally going to just put it in inline cause it felt a bit off reading it in English. It's like a drawn out thought that should be embedded in italics(quotes for raws) but isn't for some weird reason...yep back to inline it goes.

They approached another to the distance of a blade, and near simultaneously let loose a single swing.

• Suggesting something like "to the length of a blade" or "to the length of their blades".

• Changed to latter.

That was something Orba was more aware of than anyone. He swung on his right with all his strength and snapped his sword, or may have even deliberately allowed his sword to be broken, and, taking a step to the left, dodged the incoming attack while delivering a right punch to Pashir’s jaw.

• I was a little confused by which parts referred to what actions. As I understand it "He swung ... to be broken" refers to the earlier confrontation that resulted in Orba's sword being broken? And then after that refers to what Orba did once Pashir's sword was against his neck? If that's the case, I suggest splitting those two into separate sentences and changing it to "had swung on his right" to make the difference in time clearer.

• Just to confirm, this is how you think it should go? "He had swung on his right with all his strength and snapped his sword, or may have even deliberately allowed his sword to be broken. And, taking a step..."?

• Hmm... That is what I was thinking, but now that I actually read it, it seems to still have some of the issue I was trying to avoid. Maybe it would be fixed by revising further to "...be broken. But now, taking a step..." I'm trying to resolve the awkwardness I see when it goes from describing the current situation (Pashir's sword against Orba's neck), to recounting how they arrived there (Orba swining on his right), and then on to Orba's next actions (taking a step, dodging, and punching). At least that's how I was reading it. So "but now" was my attempt to come up with a transition that reflects the change from describing the past to describing immediate actions better than "and". There might be better ways to do so.

• Originally, this entire segment was a single sentence. As such, it is recalling the entire sequence of events that occurred in past perfect. I will also change "And, " to "And then, " in addition to adding 'had'. I hope this resolves the problem.

Pashir was knocked unconscious and laid still, and Orba’s body heaved heavily with laboured breathing.

• "Heaved heavily" and "laboured breathing" are closely spaced adjectives that are a little bit redundant, so I was a little tempted to delete one (heavily). But they're both used correctly and not entirely redundant, so I think it's a matter of style.

• It does seem a bit redundant now that you mention it. Changed to "Orba's whole body heaved with heavy breathing."

Orba was overwhelmed by the terrifying moans sent from the skies by the numerous souls freed from his brand.

• There was a glitch left over from the preliminary comments where there were three word choices listed out. I deleted all but "overwhelmed" in the chapter text, but you may feel that something else fits better.

• Yep, that's fine. Thanks.

The noise made from these two chants were nearly the same. As if paralyzed with hesitation, Orba did not move.

• Minor suggestion: The volume of these two chants was...

• CaM.

Her once paled face returned in colour and her neck was drenched with sweat.

• Suggested revision: Colour returned to her paled face and her...

• I'm finding the revision a bit weird...so I'm going to change the order. And also, I'm going to put 'once' back in there, because the raws actually word it as "Her face no longer pale, her neck was drenched in sweat." or.....it could be changed to "Her neck drenched with sweat, color returned to her once pallid face." Errr....yea, pick whichever you like better!

• Second a little better.

The spectacle wasn’t as horrendous as the young girl thought.

• I guessed this line was meant to refer to the spectacle of the entire match, in which case I suggest "hadn't been as horrendous." The current wording somewhat implies it is the current scene at the end of the match; and that could be the intended meaning so it might be fine as is.

• CaM.

As we welcome the hundreds of people each year, we mustn’t forget the blood of the thousands who died.

• This was one of the preliminary comments too. The question of who the "hundreds of people each year" refer to. Your thought at the time was it referred to births.

• Yea, this needs some rewording. "We mustn't forget the blood and deaths of the thousands who died so that a hundred of us may healthily welcome their first year." Might need some rewording at the second part though. Supposed to mean 'so they can healthily live past the age of one' (Assuming high rate of mortality before then)

Those who try to take it off or break it regardless of Orba’s will die by his hands.”

• Suggested revision: break it will die by Orba’s hands irrespective/regardless of his will.”

• CaM.

other players had shown her hostility at the airship race

• Suggesting 'racers' or 'participants' in place of 'players'.

• Changed to players.

• not changed?
• Um, lol <.<. Meant participants *cough*.

Part 3

Night welcomed the final day of the festival.

• This sentence was a little strange (night welcoming day, its opposite). Some revisions for what I understand the intent to be:

-The morning twilight welcomed the final day of the festival.

-Night gave way to the final day of the festival.

• Errr don't think either properly reflects the meaning. It's just supposed to be a fancy way of saying "It became nighttime on the final day of the festival" (implying the sun fully set).

• Ah, I didn't understand properly. I think the current wording invites that misconception a little by implying the "Night" was followed by "the final day". A little rewording to resolve that would be "Night was welcomed to the final day of the festival." I feel like there's probably a better revision/rewording, but I'm not thinking of one.
• Here are two options I just thought of: 'Night dawned on...' to 'Night approached...'

• I think I like "Night dawned on..."

He had come to look at the place where history had changed.

• I had a similar remark in the preliminary comments, so you may already have resolved this, but I expected this to be "where history would be changed." Otherwise it seems to reference some past event, but I wasn't sure what the past was.

• Yep...my bad. CaM.

and then fired all sorts of commands at the imperial guards gathered within the stadium. // Of particular importance amongst them, were the airships belonging to his unit.

• Second sentence, if I understand correctly, "them" refers to the commands and I would suggest the revision "Of particular importance amongst them were those regarding the airships..."

• CaM.

Fires would sprout, smoke would soar,

• Nothing wrong with it, but I might be more likely to use "smoke would rise".

• CaM.

In such a situation, it might be better to view the slaves as allies. He didn’t want to poorly diminish the might of his forces, but the complete emancipation of all slaves was an altogether different story.

• For the first sentence, I was guessing the intent was to make the distinctions between "allies" (temporary) and "comrades" (sharing the same goal). To make that clearer I'd suggest revision to "slaves as only allies" or "slaves only as temporary allies."
• For the second sentence, I wasn't sure exactly what was being said. Is it that alienating the slaves would diminish his forces (but he doesn't want to free them)? If that's correct then it's probably mostly fine as is. Though, I think "poorly" is redundant with "diminish" and could be removed.

• Revised to: "Thinking about the situation then, it would be better to leave the slaves as allies. He didn't want to diminish the might of his forces, but if it came to the complete emancipation of all slaves, then that was an altogether different story.

It was not a situation he wished to befall a country he ought to rule over.

• I would have guessed it was "he sought to rule," but it could be "ought." So just checking.

• It's ought.

It might not be hurt were Princess Vileena to lose her life in the midst of the confusion.

• "It might not be so bad were..." revision?

• CaM.

That should return Noue my favour.

• I don't think the current wording is quite correct, but I didn't come up with anything that I liked perfectly, so multiple possible revisions (I like the last two best):

-That should return Noue's favour.

-That should pay back Noue's favour.

-That should pay back my debt to Noue.

-That should return the favour from Noue.

• Yea...this is a hard one. I'll go with the first.

If the fight is drawn out even a little, Orba would run out of stamina and be at an overwhelming disadvantage.

• You reverted the edit of "fight is" to "fight was." The reason I made that edit is because it feels like 'was' and 'would' are paired for this style of conditional; I feel like 'is' should be paired with 'will'. So to me, changing to "Orba will run out" would be an alternate way to fix what I was trying to in my original edit. Not saying that I'm necessarily right, but that was my thinking when I made the edit.

• 'Would' has it's fair share of uses, however, it doesn't necessarily require the a verb in past-tense form to accomodate it. 'Would' can also be used in present tense to denote a slightly less certain notion than 'will' would imply. The reason I use 'would' here is because these guys are just spectators, who've seen Orba fight...only a few times. They don't know him that well and can't say it with complete certainty as Gowen possibly could. Thus, the minor differentiation between 'will' and 'would'.

• On further thinking, I agree with you here. Here, the fact that it's describing an if-then that's expected not to happen makes it easier for me to see it. Though I'm probably still being to rigid in my thinking on other cases, I'll have to try to look into it more...

Those able to enter the grandstand reserved for imperials and nobles were limited only to the guards of the Solon garrison, the Imperial Guards, and the slaves who saw to their noble.

• This seems pretty minor, but I'd swap only/to to make it "limited to only the guards..." I feel like the two have slightly different meanings, but it could be my imagination.

• CaM.

Pashir, catching his breath, creeped open the door.

• Suggesting "cracked open the door." Or "slowly/carefully/quietly/etc cracked open the door."

• Woops, right, creep has a slightly different nuance. Changed to cracked.

He threw a fit and was just as well about to go capture Gil himself, that Simon and Fedom had to step in to stop him, when the gates finally opened.

• The structure here is a little convoluted, and I think some parts don't match well. My attempt at a revision is (there may be better ones):

-He threw a fit, but just as Simon and Fedom were stepping in to stop him from going to capture Gil himself, the gates finally opened.

• CaM.

Orba, who should have been leading them, was not present amongst the gladiators. On the contrary, the one found centre amongst the sword-slaves who came out was—

• Second sentence, rather than "on the contrary," I thought "In his place" might fit better.

• CaM.

Furthermore, several black fumes began to rise from the gates below from the detention camp’s direction.

• I'm not sure that "fumes" fits perfectly there. I might try to replace it with "billows" or "billows/trails of smoke".

• Changed to 'trails of smoke'

In screams loud enough to warrant covering your ears, rows of people split off to all directions in unrest.

• A possible simplification/revision (because that description is a little long): Among ear-splitting screams, rows of people...

• CaM.

When the airships arrived and the armed palace guards tried to surround them, they would point the sword behind the prince’s neck and stop in their tracks.

• The end of the sentence, is it the guards or the slaves who stop in their tracks? I was expecting it to be the guards, in which case I suggest the revision "prince’s neck to stop the guards in their tracks."

• guards, so CaM.

Without concealing his surprise, Simon called out vainlessly.

• "Vainlessly" appears not to be a word that's included in the dictionary, even though it does have some use (based on google hits) and is something people would understand. If you wanted to replace it with a more official word choice, you could use "in vain."

• I support use of words not found in dictionaries! >.<

As she looked up at the sky, for an instant, her eyes reflected the colour of flames and her breath was taken away.

• Suggesting "As Vileena looked up at the sky" because this sentence and following paragraph use "she" without introducing the subject (until two paragraphs down).

• CaM.