OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

[Kadi]

First is BT, next is The World!!!


Hmm... a story good enough to "conquer" the whole world... I'd be interested in reading that. Gogo, Aorii!

[Aorii]

Haha no. Despite the obvious flattery, it'd be a thousand years before I can rise to that challenge, if ever.

'Conquering the world' may be part of the story though (=P), even if Pascal is no Lohengramm (though similar) and Kaede is no Kircheis (definitely not).

[Kadi]

Kaede... mochikaeritai desuu~

Your story is enjoyayble, you know. Very much so. Sure, many professionally published stories are more refined, but even some of them aren't as good as yours, even with their professional editing, market analyses, peer group targeting and whatnot. Modesty is a good trait, but you've got a bit too much of it. Throw out your chest and have some confidence!

[onizuka-gto]

Oh wow I really wasn't expecting that. Thank you much Onizuka for your vote of confidence ^^
I'll definitely take up that offer; do I just have to make a teaser project with it or is it more complicated than that? xD

The other wiki is a site I use for editing xD

nope. just post it on the wiki like any other series with one complete chapter, tag it with the original novel and pending tag and i'll get round to approving it once it meets minimum standard.

[Aorii]

Finally got around to creating a B-T project.
Chapter 9 had been finished with beta-reading : http://avalon.major-arcana.net/index.ph ... _Chapter_9
Chapter 10 is almost ready.

[Aorii]

Added chapter 10... now on B-T (thanks Onizuka!)
http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... Chapter_10

Next chapter is the battle...

[SereneSolace]

Wow, Great Job!
Your plot summary made me curious and led me to read through what you wrote and look at the forums for more info.
In Ch 5, I thought

Spoiler! :

"...Although, does your world really pray to airborne pasta?" Pascal's single raised eyebrow betrayed a hint of bewilderment on a totally-serious face.
"Only when the polar ice caps are melting due to a lack of pirate caretakers."

was hilarious, but I am not sure everyone would get the joke.
I really enjoyed reading what you have written thus far and look forward to reading what is to come.

[T3Fan]

...
1-As commendable your building of the setting is , I have felt the terminology in regards to it to be a little bit too much sometimes , it was appropriate most of the time but at others it felt a bit unneccessary . This was more apparent with the description of the characters (particularly their clothing) . You have done it all very well but I feel it was excessive (although one could argue that is more appropriate for a light novel).

2-The way you dealt with the issue of the change of kaede's gender felt quite unrealistic to me , it is something I was very interested in reading more about that upon knowing that she was originally a boy . It may have been intentional on your part in order to not make this an important point in the story but I thought i'd say it regardless.

3-The other thing I found issue with in kaede's character was her reaction to her summoning, in three points in particular : 1-The fact that she reacted (in my opinion) quite less than a normal person would 2- the fact that she completly gave up on returning to her world without trying 3-And lastly the fact that she felt positevly towards paskal because of his relatively kind treatment of her despite him being the person who brought her into this mess ( not to mention treating her sometimes like a servant) . It felt a bit unnatural and lacking to be honest.

4-The hints you gave about the theology of Hyperiens and Samarans were very interesting to me , however it felt to me that they will remain hints and won't be explored that much in the course story , which would be a real shame in my opinon.

5- The last point I have is in regards to the direction the story is headed from , I feel like it may happen that war and grand events totally overshadow the characters and become the main center of the story (which maybe exactly what your aiming in reality) , but I feel with your abillities that a story centered more around the characters and where politics and war play a naturally a big role would be better ( which may be what your actually aiming for ) .

And now to the main discussion: I totally disagree with ahmsab. I think the way Kaede reacted to her summoning isn't really that unrealistic. Although it's true that most people would panic more etc...but let's remember that Pascal had hard criterions for his summoned companion - one of them being above average intellectual capabilities. And after reading all 10 chapters i must agree that Pascal has an serious personality issue, but still i kinda like him so it's not that difficult that Kaede would too, especially since female hormones started to act (let's thing of her not like boy turned girl but more like a girl with memories of boy). The hints about theology, geopolitical situation and so on are also nicely done. I think it's great to reveal the setting little by little, as novel which do so in one swope tend to end boring. And lastly the fact that everything is heading in direction of war isn't necessarily bad for characters - quite opposite it might spurt a nice psychological transitions and give the characters more deep.
So in total it's nicely done and i couldn't stop reading. It seems so professional that it's hard to imagine its just a hobby. I hope you will continue the story for a next few years .


p.s. sorry for my bad english ;P

[Aorii]

Thank you both; it's very encouraging for a project like this to receive good feedback ^^

@SereneSolace: I did some checks to make sure the flying spaghetti monster was international (at least in the western world) before adding those jokes in lol. We'll see how liberal the audience is

@T3Fan: Haha that's actually the aim with Pascal: troubled personality sure, but trying to keep him on the likeable side. As for setting, I'm doing my best to keep from infodumping x) Although I'm starting to assemble detailed setting information for my wiki just to track everything that's going on properly.
Assuming the response goes well (and this is a definitely good sign), I do have quite an expansive story planned =)

[SereneSolace]

The joke I meant was the polar caps melting because of the decrease of the number of pirates. I learned about that in a lecture and wasn't sure if someone who had never heard about the "Correlation does not imply Causation" with the pirate example would understand the joke. Since you thought I was talking about the flying spaghetti god(which I also found very funny), it was probably a needless concern.

Here is my attempt at some literary criticsm/some points that caused me minor confusion

Spoiler! :

1. Kaede's blood doesn't help her much with the poison. After raising up the power of Samaran blood as the "fluid of life," used to cure wounds and sickness, having a body full of it doesn't seem to help Kaede with the antimagic potion. In fact, for a potion that was suppose to rend someone unconscious for a few hours, Kaede was hit pretty hard by it and was unconcious for 10 hours.

2. So far, Marina doesn't feel like a professional spy. For being someone raised for subterfuge, Kaede doesn't have too much difficulty in tricking her to reveal the plan. The chief groundskeeper doesn't seem to respect Marina or trust her decisions. The Empire's elite assassin group is sent up to cause turmoil, and Marina being part of the plan by association should be one of the best of the best, but she comes off more as a maid who got coerced into poisoning Pascal.

Certainly, these two points work. Marina succeeds as a spy because of very emotional behavior and she hasn't had much opportunity to shine as a spy. Kaede drinks an antimagic potion, so its not out of the question that the effects of her blood would be negated by the potion. Kaede was also sleep deprived, and thus could have rested for 10 hours instead of just a few. These are just two points in the story that kind of made me go "Huh?"
I was expecting one thing and got something else instead.

[Aorii]

Added ch11

@SereneSolace:
I was actually bit surprised when I first discovered they originated from same source:
"The central belief is that an invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. Pirates are revered as the original Pastafarians (a portmanteau of pasta and Rastafarian).[9] Henderson asserts that a decline in the number of pirates over the years is the cause of global warming (a reminder of the concept that correlation does not imply causation)" - wiki

And feel free to keep the literary critique coming! These are always useful ^_^

Hope this helps:

Spoiler! :

1a. Samaran aren't exactly 'natural'. 'Built-in reincarnation' certainly isn't natural; I can't think of a biological organ that would do that lol xD. So whether they're mages or not, they're a race biologically and spiritually influenced by magic altogether.
1b. How 'antimagic poison' reacts with a society full of magically-enchanted or magically-produced goods is up in the air right now. In fact, it'll unfortunately feel like a plot device until I get more time to explore the use of 'antimagic' items -- which there are more of.

2a. Marina isn't actually part of the original plan; more like someone also in service of a lord from the Imperium who just got pulled in because the assassins have higher authority/jurisdiction. The exchange between her and the groundskeeper in ch6 was meant to show that they took orders from a different master than the Imperial Mantis Blades, but in hindsight it could be interpreted as they're taking orders from the Magister Militum... hopefully ch11 and 12 will explain more.
2b. Marina not feeling like a spy is intentional, so this way she also doesn't seem like the type to any of the characters. This way for most conventional problems she could just downplay it into a mistake/under-blackmail common among servants. This entire mission is a bit outside her normal function... more details on that later.
2c. This is me trying to be creative because I don't actually have experience with spy novels and therefore cannot do a traditional spy justice, haha ^^;;

[Aorii]

Per reader suggestion, I added a short scene to CH11 to both clarify implied events and smooth out the transition. Also has some character development boons...

http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... Chapter_11

Search for "Trying to monitor the situation" which begins the scene...

[Ghosty]

This is the closest thing I have seen to a light novel in here. It's easy to read and very interesting. I'm looking forward for a lot more.

[Russian guy]

Looks interesting, but familiar's surname "Suvorosky" is totally weird.

[Aorii]

Posted ch12...
http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... Chapter_12
Based on the scenes remaining, will need at least 3 more chapters to wrap this volume up.

@Ghosty - Thanks. Do you mean 'here' as in this subforum?

@Russian guy - Haha that name is me attaching a suffix to a known surname without actually having any understanding of how Russian works (nor do any of my friends speak it =\). There is a certain inspiration to it, so I'd like to keep the two parts if possible. But if you have recommendations on how to adjust the name to make it less weird, I'm all ears ^^