Editing Talk:Date A Live:Volume 2 Chapter 3 (section)

==Part 4 edits==
*She started wondering about with all her energy but Tohka finally managed to ignore it, and returned her sights back to Reine. 

"with all her energy" sounds a little awkward. Can't think of anything appropriate to replace it with at the moment :/ [[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]])


for the first one think of the sentence first then reply back cuz that seems to have no problems to me. --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)


Like I mentioned "with all her energy" sounds a little awkward, simply because it's not something you really do with you "mind". You put energy into an action like running/jumping it's not usually used with thinking. You can rack your brain, your brain can be on fire (as in an engine, so you firing on all cylinders/ racing like expressions.) You can focus your mind on something which is closer to what your looking for but it doesn't really fit well with "wondering".

So possible suggestions then:

'''Her mind start racing with possibilities while staring at the terminal but Tohka finally managed to ignore it, and returned her sights back to Reine.''' 

OR

'''She focused intensely on the terminal, filled with curosity but Tohka finally managed to ignore it, and returned her sights back to Reine.'''
--[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 20:16, 7 November 2012 (CST)
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*"Umu………Even I don't know myself, why it turned into this kind of feeling."
*She was in great perplexity, and continued her words.

She was in great perplexity, and continued her words. Sounds a little off.

*She said this with torment showing on her face but continued with her words

or something like that, the line feels it needs something to go with "perplex", her face/voice.


i dont see any problems with the perplex part though care to explain why? --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)


The main thing that's probably bugging me is the use of the word perplexity (the state of being perplexed), I just find it a weird word to use in this context- while it does mean "being confused" I would expect it the word in association with being confused over some complex scientific problem rather than in the context of feelings. That's what I mean about it sounding off. http://thesaurus.com/browse/perplexity. I would have expected something more like confused/mystified/tormented/troubled as part of the vocabulary, not really perplexed. --[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 20:16, 7 November 2012 (CST)
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*"It's not really………It wasn't supposed to be a bad thing or anything. Who Shido meets with and where, and whoever he kisses. I am not supposed to find any faults in it. …But, the moment I saw that, it was already—How should I put it? It was rather—yes, it was a rather bad feeling."

Suggested change

*"It's not really...It isn't any of my business who Shido meets with and where, and whoever he kisses. I am not supposed to find any faults in it. …But, the moment I saw that, it was already—How should I put it? It was rather—yes, it was a rather bad feeling."


3rd you can use that --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)
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*After taking a glimpse at the machine she said that out, Tohka raised her face. 

As the line currently reads: Reine looks at the computer > then talks about the kiss > Tohka looks up (Implies Reine is reading something off the screen first)

Order may need changing to either

If Tohka looked

*As Reine said that, Tohka glimpsed at the machine as she raised her face. (Unlikely: implies Tohka is still nervous about the computer)

If Reine looked

* After Reine said that, she glimpsed at the machine, as Tohka raised her face. (Reine is watching the response of Tohka on the computer screen to her words).


4th Reine looked --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)


Just to be clear see looked at the screen after saying the words? so the line needs switching '''After Reine said that, she glimpsed at the machine, as Tohka raised her face.'''--[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 20:16, 7 November 2012 (CST)

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*What a stupid thing has been done. 

Where this line appears leads me to think that this is a line from Tohka's thoughts.

so should be (note use of italics, is it needed?) 

*''What a stupid thing I have done.''

or more simply

*''I've been so stupid.''

5th I've been so stupid(italic) --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)

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*Reine was left alone, while glancing through at the graph values being displayed on the small terminal, she muttered alone. 

--muttered implies some speech marks are missing from the next lines of text.

6th this is okay. --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)

I see what has happened. Rearranged muttered to be towards the start of the sentence. So that it's closer to the actual line that it is referring to.

"…………Fumu. Well, that is one problem solved……maybe?" 
'''Reine muttered while being left alone, she glanced through some values from the graph being displayed on the small terminal. '''--[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 20:32, 7 November 2012 (CST)

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*The factor of Tohka's body condition would distort, was somehow predicted that this would happen.

Needs polishing. But not sure how best to go about it either, something like:

*The fact that Tohka's mind and body would be disturbed by this incident was expected.


7th use yours. --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)


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*After being told that, Tohka lost her words.	
She completely forgot about the, weird and indescribable swirl of emotion she was paying attention to in her heart and stomach.

what did she forget?

*After being told that, Tohka lost her words.
She had completely forgot about that incident, due to those indescribable swirls in stomach and weird sensations in her heart.

*After being told that, Tohka lost her words.	
She completely forgot about the weird and indescribable swirl of emotion that were affecting her heart and stomach.

Final: use _-->   After being told that, Tohka lost her words. 

She completely forgot about the weird and indescribable swirl of emotion that were affecting her heart and stomach. --[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 18:56, 7 November 2012 (CST)
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okay ill choose the choices :

1st: She focused intensely on the terminal, filled with curosity but Tohka finally managed to ignore it, and returned her sights back to Reine.

2nd:She said this with torment showing on her face but continued with her words (try to do something about the torment cuz shes not surferring)

3rd:"It's not really...It isn't any of my business who Shido meets with and where, and whoever he kisses. I am not supposed to find any faults in it. …But, the moment I saw that, it was already—How should I put it? It was rather—yes, it was a rather bad feeling." 

4th:After Reine said that, she glimpsed at the machine, as Tohka raised her face.

5th:I've been so stupid.

6th:Reine was left alone, while glancing through at the graph values being displayed on the small terminal, she '''mumbled''' alone. 

7th:The fact that Tohka's mind and body would be disturbed by this incident was expected. 

8th: After being told that, Tohka lost her words. 

She completely forgot about the weird and indescribable swirl of emotion that were affecting her heart and stomach. 

Done~~--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 20:38, 7 November 2012 (CST)

I would say not sleeping over an issue could be described as "torment" and a sign of suffering but anyways running with '''She seemed to be troubled as she continued her words.''' which probabily still isn't quite right.--[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 21:14, 7 November 2012 (CST)

then i guess torment would be okay--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 21:17, 7 November 2012 (CST)

For this line "Wha, why did Shido appear right there…" its extremely awkward and i seriously thought shido suddenly appeared in the resturant for a second. Can i change it something like "Wha, why did you suddenly bring up Shido..." or something.  [[User:MonsterBandage|MonsterBandage]] ([[User talk:MonsterBandage|talk]]) 2:01, 11 November 2012 (CST)

yea you can use "Wha, why did you suddenly bring up Shido..."--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 02:56, 11 November 2012 (CST)

It is more appropriate to write "Wha, why are you suddenly bringing up Shido..." since the dialogues are in present tense, and it is a spontaneous response to the comment.   --[[User:Chancs|Chancs]] ([[User talk:Chancs|talk]]) 05:14, 11 November 2012 (CST)

let the debate begin~--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 07:15, 11 November 2012 (CST)

A debate is a discussion with no conclusion  :lol<br />
And I don't agree with what's said on your page. The translations are SWEET  :)  --[[User:Chancs|Chancs]] ([[User talk:Chancs|talk]]) 08:32, 11 November 2012 (CST)

Didn't find much to do with the last part honestly. Sure there are still some bits that I find awkward bits ("……………,e……………,err—" < not sure what do do with stuff like that, is Yoshinon sobbing/crying or just a crazy long stuttered Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr). Could you check the scene at start of chapter 2 part 7 tho? I editted the description about the gatling gun and the bit where the doll appears in front of the AST team quite liberally. --[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 08:55, 11 November 2012 (CST)