Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter7 (section)

===Part 1===

The two swords met once more, and finally Orba’s sword was flung from his hands.
*I thought "was knocked from his hands" might be better, because flung is an action I typically associate with having been initiated by the person holding the object (Orba in this case), which wouldn't make sense here.  Though it's possible that association is limited to me.
:* The verb used is 'to fling' or 'to toss' in passive tense. I don't mind 'knocked', but it gives me the impression that the sword doesn't 'fall' very far. The idea I get from the original text is that the sword is actually 'flung' quite a bit away.
::*I agree that knocked is a bit weak compared to flung.  I tried to come up with something stronger but couldn't.  Again, my issue with flung may be unique to me.  If we cared, we could ping Detalz or someone for another opinion on the use of flung.  But even from my perspective, the use of flung is only a minor issue (since the meaning is still pretty clear), so it may not be worth doing that much even.
:::*'was flung' is the equivalent of 'was sent flying', the latter of which I believe is what you're looking for. I think it's quite recent, but I've seen quite a few cases where 'flung' is used interchangeably with 'sent flying'. Personally, I prefer 'sent flying' in this sentence, and would use 'flung' only when describing a sequence of motions/actions where it's not at the end. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]]
:::*I like Detalz's suggestion of "was sent flying."

Loaded with confidence, Orba piled into Ryucown’s body. The rebel troops unintentionally raised shouts of surprise, and suddenly the main hall was filled with sound of metal clashing against metal.
*"Unintentionally" and "surprised" might be a little redundant.  I'd probably remove "unintentionally" but it's relatively minor.
:* No you're right. ふと (suddenly/accidentally/unintentionally) is an annoyingly short word in Japanese that doesn't always translate very well. It's better not to in this case, so it can be removed.

At the southern bottom of the hill,
*Suggested revision (if applicable): At the bottom of the southern hill,
:* There's only one hill, (the one where they place the cannons), and this suggested revision implies that there may be more. But 'southern side' should also suffice here. Maybe that sounds better?
::* "southern side" sounds good to me.
::* Then we'll go with that.

The old general Rogue Saian could not contain his excitement and bloodlust, thus personally let his troops on the front line.
*It seems like it should be "led his troops", but it does work as is. (There was also one other let -> led change that I already made nearby in the text)
:* No, you're right. It should be 'led'.

A single-seated airship flying close to the ground almost strafed him, shaking his hips, before pulling back toward a sky with a sharp angle. But in that instant, the ship suddenly lost its balance. One of the gladiators was clinging on to the airship’s tail end. The other gladiators quickly came swarming over, dragging the pilot from his airship.
*I'm just a bit confused what's going on here.  How did the gladiators swarm the airship if it was flying?  It might make more sense if the second sentence "But in that instant, the ship suddenly lost its altitude."  Or it might be a little trickier
:* It's a little difficult to explain, but I'll try. There are (so far) three types of airships in this story. The common word for airship is 飛空艇 (hikuutei), but the author also uses an archaic writing of 飛空船 (hikuusen) and a self-made 飛空艦 (hikuukan); he also calls ''all airships'' in general 飛空艇 (hikuutei) again. The difference is in the last kanji, respectively: boat, ship, warship. But since airboat sounded silly, I made it airship, air carrier, and air frigate. But what he calls an airship is actually a small craft (I added 'single-seated' to remove a bit of the confusion). What we mostly consider and airship in Western fantasy (that can carry more people) is an air carrier in this case.
:: This still doesn't fully answer your question though. Because the airship is just a small craft (and it lost its balance because it flew too close to the ground) one of the gladiators was able to catch a hold of it, and the others quickly pulled the pilot off.
:: I'll have to think about maybe wording things differently, but maybe that's a discussion to have in the guidelines section. An idea could be to name all aircrafts in general 'airships' and make up a new word for the 'airboats'.
:: I should probably change 'was clinging' to 'clung' and 'dragging' to 'dragged' to make the sentence more active. Will that make it less confusing?
::*Actually, I think I did have the correct picture in my head for the size.  What confused me was the ship "pulling back toward the sky with a sharp angle" made me picture the ship actually gaining altitude with one person attached, but then I was confused how the others could reach it if it had gained altitude.  I think the correct way to picture it would be that the pilot angled up, but his craft lost balance and he never gained any altitude.  I think I'm ok with the general term airship to describe a small craft.  I'll give a couple of possible revisions that might make it harder to get confused as I did, though now it's harder to know for sure if they'd really work.
:::-... before pulling back in a sharp angle towards the sky. (my hope here is that rearranging to put the sharp angle first will put the focus on the angle, rather than the sky)
:::-... before pulling a sharp angle skyward.
:::* Actually 'sky' is never really mentioned, it's just my liberal translation. Literally it says that the ship 'moved to a sudden rise with a sharp angle'. So to avoid confusion: "before (suddenly) pulling upwards in a sharp angle." Not sure if suddenly should be added or not. But, seeing as he loses his balance because he pulls up too sharply, it's probably better.
::::*There's a slight mistranslation here. 尻を振り refers to the tail of the airship turning. I've modified some parts and think this should clear any misunderstandings, though it does omit some details. "A single-seated airship nearly strafed past him and then ''its tail''(I think this could be omitted) changed directions, making a sharp ascent upwards. ''In the course of this action'', the plane suddenly lost its balance. One of the gladiators ''had clung'' to the tail of the ship..." --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]]

They didn’t need to completely annihilate their forces, inflicting 20 to 30 percent of damage was sufficient.
*This is a small item.  I don't know if it would match the original, but in general I would expect the word choice to be "20 to 30 percent casualties was sufficient."
:* Casualties is fine.

In a free-for-all, confused battle, even their messages became jumbled. He’d be lying if he said his own predictions weren’t sweetened up a bit.
*"Sweetened up a bit" seems to be used as an idiom, however I wasn't able to find anything to match the meaning.  Keeping with the theme of freshness or taste, "weren't souring a bit" might have the right meaning.  Or there are other alternatives outside that theme (ie "weren't fouling a bit", "weren't fraying a bit").
:* The author uses the word 'sweeten' or 'sugar'. I thought there was an idiom or expression like that, though. Basically, Orba had made things sound more positive than they probably were - or went with the most positive outcome. I'd like to somehow keep the 'too positive' part in the translation (I don't mind if the word sweet isn't used). 'sour', 'foul' and 'fray' all sound negative, if you get what I mean.
::*Ah, no you're right about that being an expression.  I think the tense confused me on the intended meaning.  I thought it was saying that his plans/predictions were becoming innacurate because of the caotic situation.  But, as I now understand it, the correct meaning is that he was intentionally being overly optimistic (lying if taken to the extreme) when he had made his predictions.  So one suggested revision could be "predictions hadn't been sweetened up a bit."  However, "sweetened up" implies something like adding a bonus to make something more appealing.  In this case I might use "predictions hadn't been sugar-coated a bit."  That implies the 'sugar coating' is hiding something while trying to make it seem appealing (in this case that he was actually predicting it to be worse than he said).
::* I like 'sugar-coated', so let's go with that.

A new fleet of airships was already heading towards their position.
*For me personally, "fleet" indicates a larger group than I actually pictured in this scene.  I was picturing something that I'd be more likely to call a "formation / group / contingent of airships".
:* You're right. I was a bit to carefree with my translation. Dictionary entry for the word used here (部隊) is 'unit' or 'corps'.

Orba still tried to use his strength to deliver another blow, but the thrust passed as Ryucown had already moved around him in a semi-circle, and all he could do was fall forward. On all fours on the ground, a blade was placed to the nape of his neck.
*First sentence, it seemed like maybe something was missing, such as "passed through empty space".  Or maybe it would be better just using with "missed" or "didn't make contact", in the place of the current "passed".
:* Basically it means it 'passed by him'. I also don't mind 'missed'.
*Second sentence, the current wording somewhat implies, at least to me, that the tip of the blade was pointing at his nape.  I somewhat expected it to be the edge of the blade that was against his nape; if that was the case, I suggest revision to "blade was placed against the nape of his neck."
:* 'against' is fine with me. There's no distinction in the text that it's the point of his sword.

Having lived through countless battles, this was his first time tasting defeat. For him, it meant that the heart that had been beating only for vengeance, would stop beating halfway.
*The second sentence, I wasn't really sure what it means for his heart to "stop beating halfway." My best guess was that something along the lines of he's losing (about half of) his reason for living.  If that's the case I feel like there should be a better wording, but I can't think of any right now.
:* It's basically literally what it says, in a Japanesy symbolic way. Basically his heart has been beating only for revenge, and now it's going to stop when he's halfway. Also, there's a sort of a meaning behind 'for him, it meant'. He doesn't consider dying a defeat, but the fact that he couldn't exact vengeance. Or, dying for him means that he can't take revenge (as in he can only die happily after getting his revenge). I will ponder on this for a while, but if you have a good suggestion, don't hold back.
::*OK. I didn't understand what it meant, but now that I do, I will reevaluate what changes might be helpful and see if I get any flashes of inspiration.

Orba’s heartbeat that was about to stand still, firmly started ticking away at a steady rhythm again.
*Suggested revision: Orba's heartbeat had been on the verge of stopping, but it firmly started ticking away at a steady rhythm again.
:* This actually refers back to the earlier mentioned 'heartbeat'. By using 'that was' I tried to reach the same effect. I do like the 'on the verge of stopping' though. Maybe: "Orba heartbeat, that had been on the verge of stopping, firmly started..."?
::*That change works.  I think I've developed a habit of trying to get rid of things phrased "that/who was..." or similar, because they sometimes seem to get overused in translation.  But there's nothing wrong with it when it's not being overused.

Some things I noticed myself:
*'ten man team' - is this correct or should it be 'ten-man-team' or 'ten-man team'?
:*I would use 'ten-man team'. --Cthaeh
:*Great. 'ten-man team' it is.