Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter2 (section)

===Part 1===

where those who bragged of their strength would duke it out in the imperial capital of Solon’s arena, which compared to all others, made them appear to be lacking in lustre, and awfully plain.
*Suggesting change to "which made all others appear lacking in lustre and awfully plain by comparison."
:*Changed as mentioned.

Amongst the gladiators who had survived day after day of fighting, the Guild would carefully select the ones with real ability, especially those with high popularity, until the final four men were chosen and to each, a one-on-one battle would be held.
*I'm not sure exactly what the intended meaning of the last half is.  The "until" is strange because it seems to imply those chosen were fighting to get to the final four, even though that hasn't been said.  And then "to each" also seems out of place.
:*the 'until' here means "they would select those with ability and popularity until (through process of elimination) the final four were chosen. Reworded to: "...the Guild would carefully select ''between'' the ones with real ability, especially those garnering high popularity, until the final four men were chosen. And then for each, a one-on-one battle would be held."

It had been modelled after one of Mephius’ most popular historical figures, the Dragon-slaying hero, Clovis, who, together with the support of Felipe, fought to the very end. Despite being gladiators, they had been bestowed the same title, and released from their status as sword-slave.
*I thought the second sentence is a little strange.  One because it says "despite being gladiators" even though no gladiators have been mentioned in the mini-story yet (I have to assume "the support of Felipe" was gladiators).  Also, "the same title" is a little ambiguous (I guess the only thing it could be is the same title as Clovis, 'Dragon-slaying hero').  So while there is not necessarily anything wrong, the ambiguities made me want to bring it up for review.
:*The ambiguities reflect the raws and my er, you could call it inability to properly differentiate between these ambiguities in the translations. Often, these ambiguities give me a headache. I'll review the raws to confirm and post at a later date.

In this day and age, the sword-slaves trained even harder than usual in hopes they would be able to participate in the tournament.
*The matching of "in this day and age" and "than usual" is a little strange because of the differing time periods those imply.  I would have expected either "in this day and age, ... than in the past" or "at this time of year, ... than usual".
:*Ok, I'll add 'at this time of year'.

The day before the festival started, the Mephius royalty and chief vassals had, during the evening, taken the lead in the celebration of founding day, and held a ritual to pray for a good harvest in the coming year.
*Suggested revision to "The evening before the day the festival started, the Mephius royalty and chief vassals took the lead ...".  (Rearranging sentence and  "had taken" to "took".)
:*Changed as mentioned

It was a symbol of the capital, and situated below was the Dragon God Shrine. It was a naturally formed cave,
*The first "It was" refers to the Black Tower, but the second refers to the shrine.  Being used in sequence like that made me think the second "it was" was also the tower, so my suggested revision is to change the second "It was" to "The shrine".
:*Hmm, I'll reword it "The tower was a symbol of the capital, and situated below was the Dragon God Shrine. It was a naturally formed cave." Used 'The tower' to fix the ambiguity of it in this case. There should be few confusions now. 

The one acting as vanguard and holding the lamps was not the emperor, but several elderly men. They had dark brown skin and thin but treaded robustly.
*The second sentence needs "were thin" instead of thin.  But I also don't like that the current structure and use of "but" implies their dark brown skin was at all related to their treading robustly.  So my suggested revision is "but several elderly men with dark brown skin.  They were thin, but treaded robustly."
:*Good suggestion. Will be changed as mentioned.

This was an old custom, back in the days when people all throughout Mephius worshipped the Dragon God.
*Suggested change of "an old custom, back" to "an old custom from back".
:*Roger that.

At night, in the central hall within the inner palace where the remaining nobles and countries’ envoys were waiting, the eve of the founding festival celebration would take place.
*This sentence implies the "eve of the founding festival" is an event that can take place at a location.  However, I believe "eve" is only a relative description of time.  So it would need to be changed to something like "the party on the eve of the...", where "the party" is the actual event.
:*I thought 'celebration' was what was taking place in the above sentence? Oh well, I like your sentence better so I'll change as mentioned.

Simon was one leader amidst all the others. Who knew how long he could have been lurking behind Fedom.
*There's nothing wrong with the sentence themselves, however the feel out of place and I don't understand how they fit the surrounding context.  That makes me think there could be something off about the translation, but it could also just be me not understanding.
:*No, I actually had a problem translating the first sentence, so it's probably my translation. It seems to have had a double meaning when I read it, so I'll double check it later.
:Changed to "Simon was one such leader amongst the group."

The unexpected jab had, for a moment, left him short of a response.
*Suggested tense and structure change to "The unexpected jab left him momentarily short of a response."
:*Changed as mentioned.

But, with this, everyone would watch over the relationship between the charming prince and princess, and once this atmosphere develops, the people will follow suit.
*I wasn't sure about the exact meaning in this sentence, mainly who "everyone" is referring to, and what the "people" are following suit with.  My guess was that "everyone" was the nobles, and that the "people" were the common citizens, who would follow suit with accepting the relationship.  Though I can't really come up with a better version myself at the moment.
:*Yep. This narrative is somewhat biased based on the last person who had spoken. It's sort of a semi-mixture of his thoughts in narrative form, or a narrative formed based on his way of thinking, so to speak. Your guess is correct, and I was hoping the readers could figure it out. Not sure how to address this either.

In this part of the cave supported by wood and iron rods, were several laid chairs, just enough to accommodate the group, centred around a crudely-built stone table.
*I didn't know what "laid chairs" were.
:*'laid out'

If a situation were to occur that would force these two alone, should he approach him deceivingly?  Orba had no interest in finding out; he might even try to kill him, though, could a father even mistake his own son for an impostor?
*In the second sentence, the linking of the last two parts with "though" seemed strange to me.  Also, I think the order of impostor and son should be switched to get the intended meaning.  Suggested revision to "kill him.  Could a father even mistake an impostor for his own son?"
:*I'll go with the sentence split, but I'd like to keep 'though' since it represents a break in his thoughts. Changed to "..kill him. Though, could a father..."
::*No complaints on the "though".  But I also think the last part should be changed to "even mistake an impostor for his own son?".  To me, the current wording implies that the truth is Orba is the emperor's son (rather than the actual truth that Orba is the impostor).

The room got gone into an uproar since the beginning of Zaat’s interjection.
*Suggested revision to "The room went into an uproar after Zaat's interjection".
:*How did I write that sentence out liek that?...The sentence is supposed to mean the uproar coincided with the beginning of Zaat's interjection, but was not caused by it. Changed to "The room had gone into an uproar since near the beginning of Zaat's interjection.

The way things are being done have not been according to our followed customs.
*Needs some tense matching at least.  But I go a little further with my suggested revision of "The way things are being done is not following our customs."
:*Hmm...Hmm....I just changed the tense. Your suggested revision feels a bit too direct for the purpose in this case, and something feels lacking in it. It also makes Zaat look arrogant, to speak in this way to the emperor. Changed to "The way things are being not is not according..."  

The benevolent Dragon God shall certainly not bestow his judgment of anger on you, but will instead impose it on the emperor who acts as his representative, me.
*I was a little confused.  If the Dragon God is going to punish the emperor, it seems like "his representative" would be better as "your representative " from a contextual sense.  Or if the emperor was going to punish Zaat as the Dragon God's representative, then "will instead impose it on the emperor" should be changed to "will instead be imposed by the emperor".
:*The sentence is supposed to be, the emperor acts as a representative 'to the Dragon God' in Zaat's place, and will be punished in Zaat's stead for his acting out of order. I'll check with the raws to make sure later. I'll reword it as "...will instead impose it on me, the emperor that acts as his representative." for now.

Orba watched as the situation once again turned into an uproar, and the emperor’s face seethed a bright red, while never removing his gaze from Zaat Quark, whose face showed a ghastly blue.
*The current structure makes it seem like "the emperor's face" is what's "never removing his gaze", rather than the emperor himself.  I also suggest making Orba's actions and the emperor's actions two separate sentences.  So assuming it's the emperor, my suggested revision would be "... uproar.  The emperor's face seethed a bright red and he kept his gaze on Zaat Quark"
:*Changed as mentioned.