Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter7 (section)

===Part 2===

“Princess, how far will you go with this military spirit?”
*"military spirit" is a little strange, I think.  Perhaps some more common phrases would be "fighting spirit" or "rebellious spirit", but I wouldn't know if those fit the meaning.
:* The author uses 'fighting spirit' several times in this book, but here he specifically writes 'spirit of a general'. I changed it into military spirit (also because 'general spirit' holds an entirely different meaning). In a way, Ryucown compliments her for having the spirit of a commander, but berates her for it as well, thinking girls shouldn't play war games. I do like 'rebellious spirit', because it ''does'' fit the context, but I'm afraid the entire militia/war part will get lost in the translation. I'll ask Detalz for his opinion (also on 'flung').
::*Hmm, this one is hard. I believe 'a commander's fighting spirit' points towards the 'resolution and defiant attitude of a commander', so I'd go with tenacious spirit, but that kind of omits the 'general(leader)' part. A certain idiom does come to mind, "How far will you go to set yourself an example/set an example of your tenacious spirit?" though it's quittteeeeeeee liberal. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]]

Their eyes even seemed to be sad. From the start, she could never bear them any enmity or ill will. For, in their hearts, they all loved Garbera, and they all loved the flower of Garbera, princess Vileena.
*Just a note that I changed some things here (this is the new version), so just make sure to check that everything is as it should be.  It looked like the things I added/removed were vestiges from the editing process.
:* Somehow and entire part got lost during my own editing. It's supposed to be:
:: '''There wasn't any hostility in her eyes as Vileena looked out over them. Her eyes even seemed to be sad.'''

“I don’t want to!!” the princess cried out that instance, but for what?
*I think it should be "that instant"?
:* You're right. I looked up the difference between instant and instance and realize I've been making the smae mistake several times.

“Six years ago… you were still aspiring to be a knight, but more of a knight than others.
*I think this is saying he wanted to be a better knight than most knights.  If that's the case, I suggest "more of a knight than any other."
:* What he's saying is that he was still a knight in training (thus aspiring to be a knight), but already a knightlier than many of those who already have that title.
::*I changed it in the text to "... a knight but were already more of a..."

Ryucown was about to bring his blade up for a strike, and as everyone’s attention was focused on the princess, Shique took the chance to break out of his encirclement.
* "Was about to" implies intent but not actually starting the action, which I suppose could be true, it just seemed strange here to me.  If he hasn't raised his blade, but had started the motion to, then I'd suggest "Ryucown started to bring …"
:* It's 'about to', but I agree it could be worded better. Propasal: "As Ryucown was about to bring his blade up for a strike, and with everyone's attention focused on the princess, Shique took the chance to break out of his encirclement."

While Shique got into the seat behind her, she immediately fired up the engine, emitting ether, and the craft lifted the two of them up in the air.
*I think this is somewhat minor, but just to be on the safe side. Suggesting "… fired up the engine. Emitting ether, the craft lifted…"
:* That's okay. I also think this is better.

As was to be expected, Ryucown’s face paled and he was about to run straight for the airship.
*"was about to" seems a little off here too, but perhaps not quite as much as the one above. I'm having a hard time pinning down exactly why I don't like it, so maybe just move on from this one.
:* Changing it to 'he started to run straight for the airship' is fine with me too.

The black blood that had mainly been keeping up his strength was about to run out.
*Suggesting deleting "mainly".  I think it's current use puts the focus in the wrong place; and I couldn't think of a way to place the focus correctly without rewording the rest of the sentence.
:* 'Mainly' is a bit too freely worded I guess. Literally it says that the black blood had been the 'main current' (sorta pun-like) in keeping up his strength/stamina (I chose strength because stamina sounded a little off in my opinion). Suggestion: "The black blood had been the main current in keeping up his strength, but (it) was about to run out."

A hole was drilled in the upper right part of his mask, creating a clean crack down to the middle.
*I can't really picture a hole being drilled in the mask (drilling doesn't fit for me).  Without knowing the original and just looking at the rest of the sentence, I would say that "chip" might fit.  Something like "A chip broke off from the upper right..." or "A piece chipped off from the upper right..."
:* I do agree, but 'drilled' or 'bored' is the verb used here, as well as the word 'hole' (穴が穿たれ). It puzzled me a bit too, but I suppose Ryucown uses a 'stabbing strike' (original says he "mustered his strength into ''striking a blow''"). What it looks like to be is that his sword slightly 'dug' into the mask, creating the crack. So yeah, 'drilled' is not a really good choice here. I's also like to replace 'hole', but I'm not sure if chip is the right replacement. To me a 'chip' is the small part that breaks off, but I'm actually looking for a word for the part that the 'chip' left behind. Is that also a chip? Can a 'chip' be dug? Basically what I'm asking if (after this long-winded explanation) you have another suggestion, if not I'll go with 'a chip broke off' because it does portray better what happens here.
::*Yes, I a "chip" can refer to either the piece that came off, and to the the hole left behind.  When used in "a chip broke off," it's referring to the piece that came off.  But then later you can say, "there was a chip in his mask" and refer to the place where a piece is missing.  However, I think using an active verb such as "dug a chip" or "broke off a chip" (dug is a little awkward there) always somewhat implies that it's refering to the piece that came off.  The closest I can think of coming while having the "chip" refer to the hole left behind is something like: "The blow left behind a chip in his mask." Or "The sword bore into his mask and left a chip/nick/notch behind.  But I don't know if that kind of sentence structure helps us here, as it's liberalizing other parts of the sentence in order to keep the verb "bore" and use "chip" to refer to the hole left behind.

“Until a few moments ago, I could see a nation of knights… but was this my limit? Tell me your name. I, Ryucown, won’t rest in peace if I’m defeated by a nameless man.”
*I deleted the line above this that seemed to be an unintentional duplicate, so just double check that everything is as intended with this line and surrounding text.
:* This is the correct sentence. Thanks.

The soldier’s fighting spirit was mixed with rage. The gladiators who’d also rushed into a hall formed a circle around Orba.  //  Just then, they went for an attack on the Mephian air corps, about a dozen ships who had come back for supplies. The soldiers realized the situation, but they all pulled out swords and guns and surged onto the uppermost part of the fortress.
*I'm confused what's going on in the second paragraph (after the //).  Who's "they" in "they went for an attack?  What are they doing?
:* I'd made a mental note of checking this sentence again after translating things a bit further (because I didn't really realize what was going on and was hoping I'd figure it out later) but forgot about it. What happens: There's a new group of rebel soldiers arriving in the hall. Revision:
:: ''Just then, about a dozen ships that had gone for an attack on the Mephian air corps came back for supplies. These soldiers realized what was going on, and they all pulled out swords and guns and surged onto the uppermost part of the fortress.''

Slowly but steadily, Ryucown’s men came closer.
*Minor: I wanted to change to "... men closed in", but I don't have a very strong reason for that, so I'm putting it here as a matter of style to leave up to you.
:* I don't mind. You can change it.

...but the sword slaves silently stood with their weapons drawn, guarding him. '''Either side had the relentless urge to kill, and they became like colourless bullets as they charged toward each other, clashed into one another, and exploded.'''  //  In that instant, one could hear a battle cry washing over like a tsunami wave. Seen from the uppermost balcony, an army surged towards them like wildfire on the outstretched plains.
*The bolded sentence makes it sound like the gladiators and soldiers did in fact start fighting.  However, I was picturing that scene as they both didn't move until a battle cry from the approaching army washed over them.  So just checking, does that line mean they did start fighting before they heard the battle cry.
:* I originally assumed that they did start fighting. The sentence doesn't actually end (and with the determining verb always at the end of a sentence in Japanese, the reader has to finish the sentence himself) so I addded 'became'). But looking back now, it's actually much more logical that they didn't start fighting yet, especially with the author being all symbolic with his 'colourless bullets' and stuff so:
:: Revision:", and they were ready to turn into colourless bullets charging toward each other, clashing into one another, and explode when... // In that instant, '''they''' could hear [...]"
::*I assumed "explode was meant to refer to the bullets, so I changed it to exploding.

And at the very least they wanted to take revenge on the person standing before them who had killed their general, Ryucown. //  But it were the Mephian forces approaching.
*Second sentence, it looks like it should be "it was the".  I might also add some more to make it "But it was the Mephian forces who were approaching."
:* I didn't get the meaning across right. They want to kill Orba but, ''if it's the Mephian Army that's approaching'' (the italics part is one sentence in the original, but in English that basically means the sentence isn't finished yet, so that's a bit of a conundrum). To me it suggests that they don't know what to do with the Mephians aproaching. But if they want to give up, fight the army instead and die a noble death, or something else, isn't clarified. But I don't like leaving an open sentence here, it raises too many questions. So:
:: Revision: "But now, the Mephian army was approaching them."

Illuminated by a line of fire, altering through the night sky, was the symbol of their birthplace,
*I don't think "altering" is the right word there.  Some words that I would have expected are fluttering, flying, dancing, flickering, or waving.  Obviously not all of those have the same meaning, I just wasn't sure exactly what the intent was.
:* Fluttering is better. Also, should it be 'fluttering through the night sky' or 'fluttering in the night sky'? Just pick the preposition that goes best here, because I'm unsure.
::*"Fluttering in" doesn't have much more meaning than it was fluttering.  "Fluttering through" implies that the flag is moving across the sky while fluttering.  Both of them probably work fine here, and the prescence or lack of a little extra meaning probably doesn't make a huge difference (I guess I'd go with "fluttering through" if I had to pick one).