Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter2 (section)

===Part 2===

Theresia had painstakingly placed her greatest efforts to coordinate it, unbeknownst to Orba.
*"placed her greatest efforts" sounded strange to me.  My suggested alternative would be "Theresia had gone through painstaking efforts to coordinate it, unbeknownst to Orba." (I removed "her greatest" because I thought it was redundant with painstaking in my revision, you could also swap those two in my proposed revision)
:*CaM

For Vileena, if the prince had adopted such an attitude, of course she would be angry.
*Suggested revision to "Of course Vileena would be angry if the prince adopted such an attitude."
:*CaM

“His highness led such great efforts in his first campaign,” Shique said shrugging his shoulders. “But once it comes to love, he is like that naïve boy on his first campaign.”
*In the first part, "led such great efforts" sounded strange to me.  I felt it should be something like "accomplished so much" or "led so effectively".
:*What do you think of "His Highness accomplished his first campaign in stride"?
::*It seems good.  For seem reason, I probably wouldn't pair accomplish and campaign, I feel like you can participate in a campaign, but not accomplish them.  But I'm never really sure when things are just my own personal word sense.
:::*No, I agree on that, but we'll have to make do with some awkwardness. And readers should more of less get the bigger picture anyway~
*Also in the second sentence, I thought "when" would fit better than "once".
:*CaM

“You could say even the elders would lose face when conducting themselves as such. At least this much is to be expected of the prince.”
*In the first sentence, I thought the "You could say" could be removed and just start with "Even the...".  Also, "the elders" makes it sound like it's referring to some special position; I don't know of if there are any "elders" in the story, there could be.  If it's not a special position, then "adults" would be a more general term.
:*Elder is a general term, though different from what was used in Part 1 so it is in needed of review. The raws use 年長者, which refers to an "experienced" person (age/profession), and though adult isn't wrong, it might not be the best term. Any luck thinking of another term or does you verdict still lie with 'adult'?
::*"those with experience"?  I probably like that better than adult (I didn't like adult much).
:::*Why'd I pick 'elders' over 'elderly' anyway...Well, I did a bit more searching and I'm leaning towards 'old-timer' right now. 
*In the second sentence, the "this" isn't referring to anything specifically, which is a little strange.  I interpreted it as something like "At least some level of competence is expected of the prince".  My interpretation of the sentence also changed "is to be expected" to "is expected", but those have to different meanings.
:*This is very broad here, and refers to "acting so bashfully that even the elders would feel they would lose face" is just what I'd expect from the 'prince'(sarcastic emphasis). Changed "the prince" to "our"

War was originally one of the sword-slaves from the Tarkas company. He had participated in the battle at Zaim Fortress and remained amongst the eighty sword-slaves, of which sixty-two had offered their service into the Imperial Guards. The remaining were more than adequately rewarded by being set free. Amongst them was the giant gladiator, Gilliam. War was also one of those who had become free.
*The second sentence makes it sound a little like War was one that joined the guards.  Also, the two separate sentences to say that both Gilliam and War were set free broke the flow for me.  My suggested revision is as follows:
::-War was originally one of the sword-slaves from the Tarkas group and had participated in the battle at Zaim Fortress.  Of the eighty remaining sword-slaves, sixty-two had offered their service into the Imperial Guards. The rest, including the giant gladiator Gilliam, were more than adequately rewarded by being set free. War was also one of those who had become free.
:*Approved.

“What order?”  //  “It seems to have been ‘to do in the Mephius mercenaries’. It appears to have originated from the commander during your first campaign—General Oubary, as he was called.”
*I didn't understand what this passage meant when I read it.  I assumed "to do in" meant to kill.  However, reading further into this chapter, I see the order was to join the Mephius mercenaries.  But I don't understand why it says here that the order originated from Oubary.  Maybe it's supposed to be misleading here?
:*I read the wrong form of the verb here, and that affected the whole sentence. Changed to "It seems to have been to become a Mephius mercenary. One under the supervision of the commander during your first campaign—the one called General Oubary."

Naturally, Ineli and the others wanted to hear about the situation with Zaat Quark, but Orba could not say that everything said by the rumours was all there was to it.
*The wording of the last part seemed a bit convoluted to me.  I think it ends up being grammatically correct, but I feel like there's a better way to word it.  However, I can't really think of a wording, so unless you can see a better alternative, I guess leave as is.  Just to confirm, what I understand as the meaning is that there was more to event than what was in the rumors, but Orba couldn't talk about it.
:*Actually means "that what was said by the rumours was '''all there was to it'''". Lost here too.

Following that, each of the people who greeted him kept him company. Fedom was, as expected, the only one of the chief vassals present, and just as busy as the prince, constantly whispering into the ears of Dinn, the page, of each of the attending names and faces. There was no end to them.
*The middle sentence is a bit confusing.  The current wording makes it sound like Fedom is busy whispering into Dinn's ears.  However, I would have expected Dinn to be whispering into Orba's ears; and that Fedom was busy with other things because he was a chief vassal.
::-This is what I was expecting: As the only one of the chief vassals present, Fedom was just as busy as the prince.  So it was Dinn, the page, who was constantly whispering the names of those who greeted the prince into Orba's ear.
::*Ah, good catch. Added "So it was Dinn the page, who in his place, was..."

“Has your face not thinned?” //  The remark had come from obligation as the empress, her face no longer hidden.
*I interpreted the meaning as the only reason she said that was because of obligation of her position (as the empress).  Just checking that was as intended, no problem if so.
:*Yea that's what it means.

And to each, their own specialties—clothes, spices, condiments, bizarre musical instruments, designed furniture of varying sizes, armours decorated with jewels—forming large piles; amongst these, what caught Orba’s eye was a Garberan envoy.
*I personally have trouble following sentences with emdashes so I'm not sure, but I think "forming" should be "formed".  Also, I think the current sentence structure implies "these" are the specialties, in which case there's a mismatch since what caught Orba's eye was a person rather than a specialty.
:*Changed: "...their own specialities, forming large piles of clothes, spices, condiments....." and changed 'these' to 'them'

We would like to express gratitude from our hearts for Mephius’ assistance.
*Suggested change to "from the bottom of our hearts". (I'm assuming that expression is the same in British English).
:*Woops. Losing grip of what's an idiom and what isn't. ---Actually scratch that, changing to "our heartfelt gratitude"

You can be rest assured of the stagnant state of affairs.
*I think "stagnant" has a somewhat negative connotation.  From context I would have guessed calm, peaceful, tranquil, or stable might be a better fit.
:*Context is meant to be negative. That the 'stagnant' state of affairs might threaten political affairs and result in an increased likelihood for war. Can't imagine using the other adjectives.
::*The "you can be rest assured" implied the context was positive to me, which is why I made those suggestions.  Having it clarified for me, I now interpret that pairing of a positive phrase with a negative adjective as sarcasm/cynicism.
:::*Not so much as cynicism. It's more of 'he admits it, but he's trying to ease her fears' type of comment. I should try to read some more English books to remember how stories are written in english...it's been so long.

“No matter where she is, she never was a person to sit down quietly and do nothing from the start.”
*The ending "from the start" seems strange to me.  I think it could just be deleted.
:*Changed to "From the start, she was never a person to sit down quietly and do nothing regardless of place."

And in a strained laugh mixed with grief, her grandfather had said, “same as always,” with an openhearted laugh.
*His laughter is described as both strained and openhearted, which I feel like is an oxymoron.  Maybe the openhearted laugh is at the end of comment, and the strained is at the start?
:*First part refers to the previous sentence. changed: ["start," he mentoned with a strained laugh mixed with grief. Then with an openhearted laugh, "same as always," he said.]

“Even as she lived alone in my estate, in the coming day, the princess would be up to her usual mischief,
*I'm not sure what "in the coming day" is adds; I feel like it could be deleted.
:*in the coming day means "in the day to come"(i.e. start of day, and what to expect until the end of that day.)

Vileena muttered, as her lips moved to form nothing less of a smile.
*I'm not sure what "nothing less of a smile" means.  "Nothing less than a smile" would be a more typical expression, but I'm not sure if that really fits here either.
:*equiv: nothing short of a smile/a smile so endearing that it could not be mistaken for something else

It had been nowhere to the extent of years, but thoughts of how she had come to be so far away began to be made anew.
*I'm not sure what the first part means.  My guess was that the intended meaning was the same as "It hadn't even been a year", but I'm not sure how to make that sound natural using "extent" and the plural form "years".
:*Changed: "She had been here nowhere to the extent of...."

I want to sleep with those big, strong arms wrapped around me, if not even once.
*From context I thought it should end with "even if only once".
:*'if not even once' = i want to do it preferably more than once. 'even if only once' = satisfied with doing it once.
::*I intepret 'even if only once' = would prefer more than once, but desperate enough to work towards even it if only once. "if not even once" only got 26 google hits (compared to 2x10^8), so while I could be wrong that my suggestion has the correct meaning, I do think the original should be reworded.  But if I'm wrong / peculiar in my interpretation of my first suggestion, I won't be much help in finding another.
:::*Oh, I don't deny "even if only once" being much more commonly used today. The two connotate very similarly meanings, but usage has changed over the times. Let me clarify. Both mean "want to do ___ more than once." However, 'if not even once' means "I would go within my means to do it a second time" while 'even if only once' means "I really want to try it once but I'll stifle my desire after that once in satisfaction(to a certain extent). The latter implies a certain sense of modesty much more commonly expected to be expressed in today's times, while the former implies a "I want it, I'll get it(because I can)" type of sentence. At least that's how I feel. 

Their rally from the start was entirely settled, and it soon became obvious the other sword dances were inferior to theirs.
*I'm not sure what the first part means.  My guess was something like "Their rally had a perfect rhythm from the start".
:*They finished the "warm-up" rally, and actually proceeded to beginning the real sword dance. I'll reword this as well. 

Shique commenced his attack, pretending to have switched to defence, he swept towards Pashir’s feet.
*The order of this is seems a little strange to me.  I'm not quite sure of the intended meaning, but my guess/suggestion "Shique pretended to switch to defence and then commenced an attack sweeping towards Pashir's feet".  That is reorganizing such that the statement about pretending or seeming? to switch to defence comes before the attack, which I assume is what the actual order of the events was.
:*Right, sorry about any confusion. CaM

After several matches, the sound from the drum came to a dead stop, and simultaneously, the two swords engaged in mid-air also came to a stop.
*I thought possibly "exchanges," "rallies," or "bouts" might fit better than matches (to me a "match" is something that ends with a win or lose conclusion, which I don't think fits the context).  Also, there is an extra blank line after this sentence that typically signifies a new section or change in perspective; however the context makes it seem like it's not a new section, so I thought the double blank line may just have been a typo.
:*Line is a typo. Changed match to 'rallies'

as if to say the real festival would be from now onwards.
*The wording seemed a little stiff to me, but it isn't too big of an issue.  A common phrasing that has much the same meaning might be "as if to say the real festival was only just beginning."
:CaM = (changed as mentioned if you haven't caught on)

“What could be so interesting. Did you see your own face as you were being borne through a mirror or something?”
*The second sentence was strange.  A typical jab in English might be "Did you see your own face in a mirror?", but from your translation it seems like there's more to it than that in the original.  So I don't know if anything can/should be done here.
:*I say keep it. What's considered "amusing" is more of "irregular/rare/impossible" in sarcastic remarks.

No one would have thought you were a gladiator. It seems this was the better of the results.”
*The phrasing in the second sentence, to me, implies there was a list of results, or they had been talking about some expected results.  Something like the following is what seems to fit there to me: (1st) "It seems like everything worked out" or (2nd) "This is the best result we could have hoped for."
:*noble jargan for (1)

Naturally, such thoughts made him become self-important.
*Suggesting "made him feel self-important" instead of "become".
:CaM

Having seen the favour she held for him, there was a possibility that Ineli would marry a distant relative of the Imperial House and the husband would be made successor to the throne.
*While there's nothing wrong as is, I would have expected it to be "Having seen the favour he (the emperor) held for Ineli (her)".  The current wording still makes some sense, but I feel like it would make more sense contextually if it was as I have it in my revision.
:*I don't know how I missed this part...Fixed to "Having seen the favour he held toward his second wife, Melissa,...."