Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter5 (section)

===Part 2===

Gash’s body was cleanly shaven.
*This sentence seemed a bit strange.  I would have expected either his face or his head (hairstyle) to be cleanly shaven.
:*Why he ain't no monk in a monastery! *cough*Yea, that's just how it is*cough*

the spear would be tucked under their arms and fixed onto the saddle ring to the side. The other spear was an ordinary one, two metres long. And on his other side, a small buckler was fastened to his belt.
*Last sentence, “And on his other side” is a little strange, since it’s the same side as the spear in the previous sentence (at least based on the picture).  Something like “And on his off-side”, “And also on this side”, “And also on his left side”.  Also just double checking that the buckler is attached to his belt, because it’s attached to his arm in the picture?
:*Oops...it was a 'shield wound around his arms like a belt'. It was late when I was translating this page......>.>. Changed to "And strapped around one of his arms was a small buckler."

He whirled up the tip of his dragon lance that grazed the flank of the dragon carrying Orba, and on distracting Orba, struck with his other spear.
*I wasn’t sure if the action of ‘whirling up the tip’ caused the lance to graze the flank, or if ‘grazed the flank’ was describing what the lance had done previously to the ‘whirling the tip’?  If it’s the first, then I suggest replacing ‘that’ with ‘and’.  If it’s the second, I suggest adding ‘had’ in “that had grazed”.

where the best tactic was to sweep the opponent off his landing as opposed to taking the enemy’s head. However, this conditional discrepancy came as all but nigh as their lances clashed time and time again.
*First sentence, I’d like to try to replace ‘sweep the opponent off his landing’.  What I could come up with was ‘sweep the opponent’s feet out from under him’ or ‘attack/disrupt the opponent’s footing’.
:*Changed to 'sweep the opponent off his dragon' and 'best tactic' to 'optimal choice'
*Second sentence, suggested revision to something like “this situational strategy was completely ignored as their lances…” or “they completely ignored this strategy as their lances…”
:*Errr, sorry if I conveyed this sentence horribly. Allow me to re-iterate. The only requirement to win was to knock the opponent of their dragon(like in jousting). However, they fought to kill, and basically, instead of only aiming to do only one of these options, it seemed they were opting to perform one in order to succeed in the other, (i.e. kill the opponent so they get knocked off/knock the opponent off and then kill him). 
::*OK, given my misinterpretation, some of my direct edits on this segment of text may need to be undone or altered.

On the lone premise that he survived up to now, Gash was greatly skilled.
*Suggesting change for the first part to, “Based solely on the evidence that he had survived…”
:*ehhh, I'll just add the worded 'based'. "Based on the lone premise.."

Gash’s figure which once loomed above, now sat below. While Orba’s body tossed back and forth, Orba received the spear thrust up towards him with his shield.
*The first sentence seems a bit awkward.  It’s also a little awkward to have primary subject switch between sentences without a conceptual transition, but I first highlighted this just because of the first sentence.  A more liberal revision addressing both could be:
::-Gash dropped down from above, and he thrust up towards Orba with his spear.  Orba received the blow with his shield while his body was being tossed back and forth.
::*CaM.

His movements also appeared disconnected.
*Maybe uncoordinated, awkward, or unsettled instead of ‘disconnected’.
:*Changed to 'unsteady'

The pinned down Baian struggled to push off the dragon and swung its tail, striking Gash in the chest. <nowiki><!--Alt: The swinging tail of the Baian, struggling to push off the dragon pinning it down, struck Gash in the chest.--></nowiki>
*Just to give my opinion, I prefer the current version over the alt.
:*Ok.

With so much as the discharge of rebellion, the pus collected within Mephius will turn into oil and the flames will spread like wildfire.” <nowiki><!--Pus here is like used as a symbol to refer to the ‘wounds’ Mephius has suffered under the poor leadership of Guhl. However, I’m not if it’s obvious enough for the connection to be drawn immediately when read in English. Might another word exist that could similarly relay the same message, except more clearly? Else, I should probably add this as a reference.--></nowiki>
*This sentence was a little unclear.  The first part could possibly use some revision.  Is the ‘discharge of rebellion’ equivalent to the pus from the wounds?  As for alternatives words/phrases, I don’t know if ‘festering wounds’ could be used?
:*'Discharge of rebellion' would be the so called 'spark' to propogates the fire. And I don't believe festering wounds would work either. This would likely require reworking the whole metaphor and replacing it with another similar in meaning. Maybe something like wounds would tear open and worsen....but meh, don't feel like thinking of one right now.

However, it was impossible even for Noue and his powers of imagination to draw upon these fragments of knowledge with his seldom encounters with Gil.  …  As long things went the way he imagined them and produced the results he desired here in the lands of this foreign country, it would attest that his powers of imagination had not rusted.
*The thing that felt off was “powers of imagination”.  ‘Imagination’ doesn’t feel like the right word to me.  I thought ‘foresight’ was the word that fit best (other less favourite alternatives: prediction, insight). I thought the verb use of ‘imagined’ was fine, but that could be changed to ‘foresaw’ or ‘predicted’ you changed to ‘foresight’ and wanted it to match closer.
:*Yep, I was too lazy to go back to change the other uses, but I'll have to go back and fix it to 'foresight'. 
::*Other uses? I checked the other chapters for his description, and closest matching was using ‘predict’ as a verb.  I didn’t notice any descriptions that needed to be matched.  Of course I may have gone through too quickly and just missed it.

“''If'' I had told the emperor to rescind the order for Kaiser’s execution as my end of the wager at that time
*I think “my end of the wager” would usually refer to what ‘I’ would have to give up.  So in this context I thought it should be “his end of the wager”.
:*Changed to 'my receiving end of the wager'

It would’ve been better off if the dragon’d eaten you.”
*The “dragon’d eaten” is fairly obvious as “dragon had eaten”, but I find it difficult to say out loud, so I’d consider removing it.  But I also can’t come up with a good sounding alternative if you wanted to keep that style in.
:*It's not something an American would normally say is why. I was thinking Malfoy from Harry Potter when I wrote this. But I don't even know what American English and British English is anymore...save for the spellings. The choices of wording are too different. 

He snatched a whip from a nearby guard, and suddenly beat the masked swordsman with it. The mantle he wore tore, and immediately after he let out a moan, lashed him once more.
*I assumed that the ‘he’ in “mantle he wore” and “he let out a moan” were Kain (the masked swordsman), however if that’s the case then the last part reads “(Kain) lashed him (Kain) once more” and that should be fixed.  It is possible that the first two ‘he’s refer to Orba, even though it’s more natural to think Kain’s mantle was torn.  I’d suggest replacing one or two of the pronouns in the second sentence with names to clarify who is doing what.
:*Changed 'he wore' to 'masked warrior wore'

when you’re nothing more than cattle I feed!” <nowiki><!--’Cattle’ might be incorrect here, since it’s plural and ‘you’ is singular. Requesting an alternative if it is. (Animal who feeds off me?)--> </nowiki>
*You might be right, though it’s not too disruptive.  Another animal could be pig, hog, swine.  You also might be able to say “one of the cattle” or “a piece of livestock” somehow.  Also, I think this might be a personal preference thing, but I might use “in my keeping” instead of “I feed.”
:*Alright, 'a piece of livestock in my keeping' it is.

It was fortunate his body didn’t suffer from any abnormalities,
*I think ‘from any abnormalities’ is a little strange here.  I’d expect something like “didn’t suffer any crippling/debilitating injuries”.
:*Changed to 'debilitating injuries'

You heroically survived through the ordeals, and now you’re about the country that belongs to you.
*I think some words are missing in the second half.  I thought something like “you’re about to '''take back the''' country that ''rightfully'' belongs to you.” (‘rightfully’ isn’t strictly necessary)
:*CaM

Orba glared at him, coughing up blood onto the floor.
*This somewhat relates to some of the direct edits I made of ‘floor’ to ‘ground’ that occurred in the arena, because I assumed the arena was outdoors (if I’m wrong that will need to be undone).  I pictured this scene as being outside too, so I wanted to change to ‘ground’, but I think it’s less clear whether this occurs inside or outside.  Given that I’ve seen the floor/ground ambiguity in other translations around BT, I assume there might be a common word used for both of them in Japanese, so there might not be a perfect answer here.
:*Approved. Assuming you didn't change this, CaM.