Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter7 (section)

===Part 3===

It wasn’t such a strange thing that some of the soldiers were showing strong feelings of heading out and joining Ryucown’s cause instead.
*Suggesting replacing "where showing" with "had", because it doesn't seem like something they can show.
:* Sure, that's fine.

The moment the gunfire died out, it felt like time itself had stopped. In the distance behind Vileena, the fires of war continued to burn and their colours were reflected in the Garberan soldiers’ eyes. In that instant, Shique saw realization run through them like a lightning bolt. Altogether, it seemed like they truly were knights lifting up their sword at the call of their liege.
*Whole paragraph is here just for context.  Looking at the last sentence, I was a little confused.  What I thought it was saying was that the soldiers' reaction to realizing it was Vileena demonstrated their loyalty and dedication to the royal family as knights.  What I think confused me is that "lift up their swords at the call" makes it sound like they were taking some action in response to Vileena, which at this point I thought they just stopped firing and looked shocked.  My suggested revision to address that would be:
::- Altogether, it seemed like they truly were knights who wielded their swords for the sake their liege.
:* I don't mind your suggestion so you can go ahead and change it. The entire 'lifting up their sword' had a symbolic meaning, but I agree it can be perpetrated differently.

I have of course no doubt that he loved his country and its people ...
*Comma use is something that I hate, so I'm not 100% on this, but I think it should be "I have, of course, no doubt that he..."
:* You can change it. Comma use is not my forte since the English rules vary from my native language.

You haven’t only saved the fate  of only me, but also of both Mephius and Garbera.
*Suggested/possible revision: You have saved not only my own fate, but also that of both Mephius and Garbera.
:* Approved.

However, as part of the Garberan royal family, she had to withstand, especially if she wanted to accomplish anything after becoming the Empress of Mephius in the near future.
*I like "endure" to replace "withstand", if that's consistent with the intended meaning (I think the connotation is slightly different between the two).
:* I like "endure", so yeah, you can go ahead and change it.

That time after she’d boarded the airship and was unable to fly away at first, she was still torn between two countries and unable to choose.
*When was the time she boarded the airship this is referring to?  Was it in Ch6?  If so, wasn't she "stopped from flying away" rather than "unable to fly away"?  Also, if I'm reading the sentence correctly, I think it should start with "Like the time..."
:* No, it refers back to earlier in this chapter, when she boards Ryucown's airship with Shique and is torn at having to leave those men. Because Orba yelled 'Go, Vileena!' back then she was shaken from her doubts.

Like the commander of a victorious army, he walked with broad soldiers, accompanied to his left and right by two soldiers carrying sword and gun.
*End of the sentence, is one soldier carrying a gun and the other a sword, or are both carrying both?  If it's the first, I suggested "carrying a sword and a gun."  If it's the second, I suggest "carrying a sword and gun."  I think it needs at least the one "a"; I think the use of two a's still leaves it a little ambiguous, but I feel like it somewhat implies the meaning I've a associated it with (though I could just be making that up).
:* They're both carrying a sword and a gun. I actually thought that leaving the 'a' out would emphasize this, but reading your secodn suggestion it doesn't look like that's the case. So you can add the 'a'.

There were many people gathered together calling out the prince’s name, raising jubilous voices and waving their hands in joy.
*I couldn't find a dictionary entry for jubilous, so I think it's technically not a word even though I think most people will understand what it means.  Possible replacements
:* I already saw you change this to 'jubilant', so that's fine.
::*Ah, I decided to change it while writing this bullet, then forgot to delete this (hence the incomplete message).

Maybe he was getting used to it, or maybe some kind of talent was beginning to sprout within, but every time the soldiers cheered when they glanced his way, he felt a glamour inside of him he’d never felt before.
*I don't think "glamour" is the right word there.  Some replacements might be "sense of pride", "sense of satisfaction", satisfaction, or joy.
:* The original says inner 'glitter' or 'sparkle', but that sounded too bubbly to me. Maybe 'spark' fits... but I really like the "sense of pride" here (because I believe that's what the author's referring to). So: "he felt a sense of pride he’d never felt before." I don't think the 'inside of him' part is necessary anymore.
::*I think 'spark' would be a pretty good word there if you want to keep closer to the original.  And "sense of pride" is fine too.

The blade was glittering as if it was still new, and it had been engraved with Orba’s name.
*Maybe it's just me, but I read it as "as if ... it had been engraved", which is not correct.  I think the sentence structure is actually perfectly correct for it's meaning. But if you wanted to change it so it's harder to mis-read as I did, then a possible revision could just to split it into two sentences as "...still new.  It had been".  Also, this isn't wrong either, but I might just use "It/it was engraved with Orba's name" rather than "had been" (technically they it changes "engrave" from a past action, to a present description, but the resulting meaning is pretty much the same).
:* I'd like to keep it one sentence (I don't like really short sentences, but maybe that's just me). Does "The blade was glittering as if it was still new, and it was also engraved with Orba’s name." clear the confusion? If not, then I'd like to somehow still keep the sentences connected by: "...still new. Also, it was...".
::*Hmm... well since nothing is actually wrong, maybe just leaving as is (for some reason I don't want to use also).


Also, about a change you made:

*''His eyes were visible through the holes and crack in the mask, and for a moment Vileena thought that his look resembled someone else’s.''
*Your edit: ''...and for a moment Vileena thought that he resembled someone else.''
The text specifically says that his look/gaze resembles that of someone else. It's just a slight nuance, but if she just recognizes the eyes from someone it's more obvious that she doesn't link it them Gil's. If she think ''he'' resembles someone else, I get the idea she should be able to recognize him as Gil. Also in the epilogue, Ineli also thinks the ''eyes'' look familiar. I suppose 'his look' is a bad choice of words so, as a proposition: "His eyes were visible through the holes and crack in the mask, and for a moment Vileena thought they resembled someone else’s."
::*Ah, I read it as look=appearance when I made that edit.  I actually like you revision using "they resembled", but I think just replacing "his look" with "his gaze" would also be perfectly fine. Since I'm making a quick edit to the page right now anyways, I'll apply the "they" revision now, particularly since my edit made it incorrect.  I'll do the others later. --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]])

Thanks for your hard work! --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 15:51, 5 March 2014 (CST)