Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter2 (section)

===Part 3===

Portraits of upcoming betrothal of the Garberan Princess Vileena to Mephius and garlands decorated the town, producing a peaceful atmosphere.
*I was a little confused what was depicted in the portraits.  Is it the anticipated event of the wedding?  If so, it should probably be "the upcoming" (adding the).  Hanging up paintings(?) of a wedding that has yet to happen seems strange to me, but if that's what the original has (*shrug*).
:*Well, Vileena is a symbol of peace, since their marriage is what brought the end of the war, and they probably want to consolidate that belief by hanging the pictures.

The man, straddled to a white horse and proudly wearing a golden helmet,
*Suggesting either "saddled to a" or "straddling a".
:*Hehehe. I bet there'll be more of these to come. 

On the final day of the festival, a naval review alongside a parade employing air carriers would take place to the people’s enjoyment, but for now, they would anticipate the event in the near future.
*The ending part confused me a bit.  Are they anticipating the naval review, or the events that will be held first (in the near future)?  If it's the first, then suggesting something like "but for now, they could merely look forward to that event in the near future."  For the second possibility, suggesting something like "but for now, they were anticipating those events that were immediately upcoming."
:*Fixed w/ sentence split. "enjoyment. But for now,...."

and in a corner near the walls was a separate division, were the single-shot quick draw matches.
*Something seems missing.  I think it could be fixed "were" was supposed to be "where ... matches would take place"?  Or I would actually suggest "was a separate division for the single-shot ...".
:*Thanks for catching this. Fixed to "where the single-shot quick draw mathces were held."

Apart from its immense size, Solon’s specialty, the tank restaurant, would also be held in the evening hours.
*What is a "tank restaurant"?  Is that supposed to be the same thing as the "tank shooting match" mentioned earlier? (I see on the discussion page there was some uncertainty around that)
:*I figure it's a restaurant inside a huugggee tank? I also imagined a stall shaped as a tank selling foods for a second too though.

Baton and Troa were also there. And a few others.
*Suggested revision: Baton, Troa, and a few others were also there.
:*CaM

All the well-known gladiators from within Mephius will be gathered together in one sitting.
*I didn't like "one sitting". I thought "one setting", "one event", or "one arena" might fit better.
:*went with setting.

Their distinctive features were their six legs and flattened snouts, as if squashed by a hand.
*Suggested revision: and flattened snouts that looked like they had been squashed by a hand.
:*CaM. (Omg the list is endless! Don't mind my comment just now.)

but even the foremost seats were situated considerably higher than her height posed.
*I don't think "posed" fit there.  Suggested revision "higher than her reach".
:*CaM 

clung onto the Faye by wrapping around its neck.
*I don't think it's wrong as is, but I thought it might be more natural as "by wrapping himself (/ his body / his arms) around its neck"
:*Changed: "wrapping himself"

In that place where the corpses of the dragons and women lay, they had to fight to the last survivor.
*Suggested (style) revision to: They had to fight to the last survivor alongside the corpses of the fallen women and dragons.
:*CaM.

Neither his skill nor his appearance was particularly worthy of praise, and despite having been in the Tarkas Gladiatorial Group for slightly over a year was nothing more than an ordinary sword-slave, but seemingly blessed with good fortune, having survived ten years as a sword-slave.
*Suggested revision (breaking up into two sentences): 
::-Neither his skill nor his appearance was particularly worthy of praise.  Despite having been in the Tarkas Gladiatorial Group for slightly over a year, he was nothing more than an ordinary sword-slave, other than seemingly being blessed with good fortune, having survived ten years as a sword-slave.
::*CaM. Nice edit.

Accumulated in his years, he was by no means narrow-minded.
*The first segment sounded strange to me.  Some possible alternatives for the meaning I interpreted: "Being well on in years"; or something like "Having accumulated wisdom over his years ".
:*I'm guessing 'accumulated in years' still sounds weird? I (personally) find the first suggestion weird, and the second too liberal. Rather than wisdom, I think they meant experience, which is redundant when mentioned with years, isn't it?
::*It does to me, but if it sounds fine to you as is then just skip this one.
:::*I consulted a friend and he also thinks its fine. Thanks for pointing it out though.

Orba offered War a cup of wine. War respectfully picked it up, and as he waited for War to drain the contents,
*Suggesting replacing "he waited" with "Orba waited".  It is fairly obvious, but it caught me up when reading because I read it as "as he (War) waited for War" (because War was the subject earlier in the sentence)
:*CaM

Amongst the twelve Mephian generals save the three that handled the dragonstone ships comprising the air fleet, all other nine generals were performing wide-scale recruitment of mercenaries.
*Suggesting splitting  the three segments/concepts into two sentences.  There are a few ways you could do it, one possible revision is the following.
::-There were twelve Mephian generals. Excluding the three that handled the dragonstone ships comprising the air fleet, all of the other nine generals were performing wide-scale recruitment of mercenaries.
::*CaM.

To go investigate the happening and report back to Orba was what War had been commanded to do.
*"the happening" is a little strange, and I'm not exactly sure of it's intended meaning and therefore what it could be revised to.
:*happening refers to the events conspiring that led to the burning down of Orba's village.(thus revolving around Apta Fortress as well)

There is a man who goes by the name of Bane, who has maintained the position as one of his hundred officers for six years ago.
*Suggested revision: There is a man who goes by the name of Bane '''and has''' maintained '''a''' position as one of his hundred officers  for '''the past six years'''.
*Also, a "one of his hundred officers" makes it sound a little like the "hundred officers" is a specific position or group (a hundred also seems like a lot).  I don't know if that's the intent or not.  If not, maybe revising "hundred or so" would make it seem less formal (I'm also assuming it's not exactly 100). 
:*I think it numbers 100.

Bane has long served the general, and one of his subordinates, somehow dissatisfied with this treatment voiced his complaints in a cheap tavern I often go to.
*The "one of his subordinates" and "somehow dissatisfied with" clauses don't fit in well as is.  Suggested revision to the following:
::- Bane has long served the general as one of his subordinates, but somehow grew dissatisfied with his treatment and voiced his complaints in a cheap tavern I often go to.
::*Err you understood it wrong. Bane and the subordinate are two separate people. Would changing 'and' to 'but' resolve the ambiguity?
:::*OK, that was how I read it first, but then when "Bane" kept popping up after, I assumed I was wrong.  The other thing was "'''this''' treatment" made me think it was referring to the previous sentence about Bane, so maybe changing 'this' to 'his'?  I think 'but' would help.  Along with that, "one of his" to "one of Bane's" would strip pretty much all ambiguity if you were willing to change that much.  Also comma placement and structure for the second half, I'm suggesting one of the following
:::-but one of his/Bane's subordinates somehow grew dissatisfied his treatment and voiced his...
:::-but one of his/Bane's subordinates, somehow dissatisfied with his treatment, voiced his...
:::*going with this

I may not look it, but I make a good listener and, without a single look of displeasure or reluctance, listened to his complaints and left a rather favourable impression.
*Suggesting splitting into two sentences and reorganizing as follows:
::- I may not look it, but I make a good listener. I listened to his complaints without a single look of displeasure or reluctance and left a rather favourable impression.
::*Approved.

I’ve yet to meet him a second or third time,
*Suggested revision to "I've yet to meet him beyond that once" or "I've yet to meet him more than once".
:*Wasn't expecting this proposal. Went with first suggestion.

Not catching Dinn’s words, Orba silently pondered over his thoughts.
*"Pondered" used together with "thoughts" is a bit redundant.  I want to say "mulled" would be better, but thinking about it, that really is just a synonym, so I'm not sure it's better.  Replacing "his thoughts" with "what he had heard" would fix the redundancy, but it might be adding meaning that's not in the original.
:*Let's just go with 'mull'.

He recalled the speech Noue had delivered with hesitation in front of Prince Gil and his smiling face.
*Wasn't the speech Noue gave delivered '''without''' hesitation?
::*Oops. How'd that happen? Set to be fixed in T-minus 168 hours and then some.

Orba immediately relayed a message to Dinn, to head towards the Imperial Guards’ living quarters.
*"relayed a message to Dinn" seems strange since the second half makes it seem like an instruction to Dinn.  I wasn't sure what the exact meaning was so suggesting one of the following possible revisions:
::- Orba immediately asked Dinn to relay a message to the Imperial Guards’ living quarters.
::*Going with this, but changing 'asked' to 'ordered'. Yay! Done. 
::- Orba immediately ordered Dinn to head towards the Imperial Guards’ living quarters.