Editing Toaru Majutsu no Index:Biohacker Chapter6 (section)

===Part 6===

Psychology apparently came into play with suicide as well.

They said the method people used was dependent on age, gender, occupation, status, mobility, family structure, family relationships, possession of a car, wealth, number of friends, and more.

Mitsuari Ayu blankly stared at something.

For hours and hours, she let time pass her by while she simply stared at it.

Light was brightly reflected before her eyes.

It was a large body of water.

That was District 21’s reservoir and the metal tower of Ground Geo stood up from its center.

The biggest connection she had to that place was seeing it from Matsuo Ryuusuke’s car when he drove her into the mountains. But when she saw it now, she had a vague premonition telling her she would die there. That fixation may have been the result of her fear fusing with the resistance within her that was trying to tell her where her home was. Alternatively, it may have simply looked like a giant gravestone in the mountains.

Was there any particular reason she had chosen water?

Was there any difference between that and slitting her wrists or hanging herself?

She thought about it.

And thought some more.

Finally, she laughed quietly. To some, it might have looked more like she was crying.

(I’m afraid.)

Of course she was.

Everyone had that emotion, yet it made her feel horribly filthy.

(Yes, that’s right. Of course I’m afraid of dying.)

She was afraid of quickly moving past the point of no return by injuring herself and bleeding or by snapping her neck and dangling from the rope. So she chose a form of death that was harder to picture. After all, she would only be entering the water. That was no different from her daily routine of washing her face and bathing. So it would be fine. There was nothing to fear. If she just tried it a little, it would not break her body or leave any permanent scars. So it would be fine. Just fine. She could manage it like this.

“…”

She understood that.

And she understood she had nowhere else to go.

Yet she just stood there. She stood there until the midsummer sun had set. That may have been what she really wanted to do. Not standing – waiting. She had been waiting for hours and hours. But waiting for what? Only after her thoughts finally reached that point did her fingertips move.

She had been stiff and still for so long that bending her wrists and elbows made her feel like a doll needing an oiling.

She slowly and awkwardly pulled out her phone.

She finally powered it on again.

(Yeah.)

The email and call histories were full.

There were people worried for her.

She could contact them at the push of a button. If she heard their voices directly, she might find a reason to abandon this idea.

She could not bring herself to choose anyone, but if someone called her, she would leap at the chance. Her logic was broken and incoherent. She simply wanted to pass the decision on to someone else.

In her current state, she could not bring herself to make a decision, to break through, to brush it aside.

But if she only had to wither away.

If something would change as she drooped and dried up, then she could give up.

Give up on dying.

Normal people might not even realize that was a decision that needed to be made, but she needed something to push her in that direction.

She felt like crying.

She could only think of one person.

She had not understood anything at all when they first met.

Not what she had gotten caught up in and not whether she could trust the older boy and girl talking in front of her. She had only known she had to make herself useful. She had not known what that dragon was or anything else, but if she said she had no clue and if she overturned her empty bag of knowledge and shook it to no avail, she had been certain they would sigh, give up on her, and leave her there to die.

But when they had burst into that fiery parking garage, she had felt certain of something else. She did not have to prove herself. That boy had not come there because he was seeking something from her based on self-interest. He had simply defeated all the formidable opponents standing in their way, both the giant creature and the professional assassins. She had learned that was just who he was.

But there was more to him than fighting too. In fact, he seemed to know more than her about how to get by in that vast city.

He probably had no idea and had failed to notice, but Mitsuari had been the less sensible one.

He had taught her that it was easier to get to know people if you did not start from a point of suspicion and doubt.

So they had fought alongside each other.

She had been no help whatsoever and ultimately been captured by the villain in L.S.S.

But he had not uttered a word of complaint as he rushed into danger for her.

She had not asked him to save her.

She had been at the center of it all, but she had no idea why Matsuo Ryuusuke had wanted the original esper badly enough to abandon his own giant company.

But that did not matter.

It was irrelevant.

Even if it brought misfortune on himself, that boy would never allow that misfortune to reach anyone else. He was willing to clench his fist and rush into any disaster, apocalypse, or hell if it would accomplish that. That was just who he was.

She had run away from that.

She had left while pathetically tripping and falling.

But.

She could not bring herself to throw out that hope.

What about him?

It was not an issue of logic or reason. Nor was it about interest or benefit.

She was a truly terrible person who had run away from everything.

But.

Would he still reach out and grab her hand?

She had a strange look that could be seen as smiling or tearful.

Death.

Suicide.

A misguided application of courage.

Conviction was a powerful thing. She now knew how it felt once the pillar supporting you broke.

“Yeah.”

She spoke under her breath as if admitting defeat.

She placed her thumb on the phone’s call button.

“I’m so weak.”