Editing Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu (section)

===4===


Misfortunes never come singly.

Somebody might fail his entrance exam. That's the first misfortune, but the chain goes on.

After he fails his exam, he might find himself disillusioned with his skills. He loses hope in himself. He becomes depressive. That in turn makes him unappealing and causes his girlfriend to dump him. He starts to think that nobody likes him, and as a result, it becomes the truth. He loses hope in everyone. He despairs. He wants to vanish. He begins to think about dying. He decides to commit suicide. He jumps into a rolling train and dies. And that's it. Bad end. The story is over.

But the misfortune goes on. The chain has not been broken.

The station staff who had to tidy the place of the human shreds might not be able to bear up with the repulsion and quit his job. If he loses his income, he might get into conflict with his family and end up divorcing. A passenger might suffer trauma from witnessing the gruesome scene of blood and guts getting flung through the air. He might not be able to eat his loved meat anymore. The family of the victim might plunge into debts because they can't come up with the money for the damages. They might end up hanging themselves in fear of the violent debt-collectors. And the chain of misfortune continues in some way for them.

Like this, a misfortune spawns another one. Because unlike fiction, reality does not end. It's an endless misfortune.

Likewise, Reina's scattering is not the end.

The misfortune Reina created goes on.



<i>"Go to my room when the time comes."</i>

Quite frankly, I had no clue what "time" she was talking about. I actually went there when she died, thinking it might be the "time", and a few times after that.

However, whenever I went there, I found nothing of import and had to leave empty-handed.

But now I'm certain.

The "time" is now.


It's now that Sakura Kawai and her friends jumped to death.


I open the door to Reina's room. The setting sun is shining through the window, dyeing the simple and somewhat lifeless room in the colors of twilight.

Yeah, I was right. The time is now.

As I look at the most lifeless thing in this lifeless room, I open my mouth to speak up:


"<u>Reina.</u>"


"It is a pleasure to see you again, Ryoji-san," she smile beautifully.

Reina is standing in front of the window and leaning against the frame. Illuminated by the setting sun, she does not only look stunningly beautiful, but also turns her onlookers contemplative like a magnificent painting. Aah ... I can't shake off these thoughts even though I know it is what drove her away.

"You're ... alive?"

I'm hardly surprised.

Even after I noticed why she didn't feel dead to me, I found myself unable to believe her death.<!-- 　どうして麗奈が死んでいると考えてしまったのか気付いてしまった後も、僕は彼女が死んでいると思えなかったからだ。 -->

Yes, from a realistic viewpoint someone was burnt to ashes and these ashes can't belong to anyone else but Reina, but it is Reina we are talking about.

I did find out why she wanted to distance herself from us, but I didn't find out why she would commit suicide. As a result, I still considered it possible that she was alive.

"Yes, I am alive. Although perhaps only metaphorically," Reina answers with a smile.

I now understand the meaning behind her words.

I take a deep breath and inquire: "Reina ... was it you?"

Reina gives no answer and keeps smiling.

"Did Kawai-san and the others become an annoyance to you?"

"Why, not at all."

Well, is she telling the truth? Or has Reina lost the ability to discern between what's true and what's for show after wearing a mask for so long?

However, it's apparent that Reina was involved in their suicide, be it directly or indirectly. It was her will.

I have no means of telling what is going on in Reina's head. More precisely, not once in my entire life have I ever understood her. Her goal is incomprehensible to a commoner like me.

There is only one fact I know:

Reina killed Kawai-san and her group.

But what about me? What happens to me? I'm also one of Reina's marionettes, just like Kawai-san, and it's clear at which occasion she programmed me.

"Tell me, Reina, why did you talk to me about your death?"

"...Are you sure that you want to know?"

"Of course."

Reina peers into my eyes.

"Your eyes have changed a little, Ryoji-san."

"...You think so?"

"Yes ... I think I can tell you now. I wanted you to become aware, Ryoji-san."

"Aware of what?"

"Of yourself. Of your own value."

"Of my own value...?"

I don't understand. Well, I do understand what she means, but I don't get why Reina would care.

"Hey, I know what I'm worth. I will have no success and I will not be of use to anyone, just like a wayside stone<!-- simile -->," I say with conviction, but Reina shakes her head.

"You were so unfortunate as to be rated in comparison to me. My value was of a far too apparent kind. The comparison between us must have deranged your sense of self-worth."

"That would happen to anyone in this position, Reina."

"Then why did you not simply stop comparing yourself with me?"

I falter for a moment but then counter, "I would've done that if possible. But as a matter of fact, you were there and the comparison was unavoidable. I was always in the position to be compared with you and you were always twice as good as me. In anyone's eyes. And so nobody cared about me. Nobody looked at me. And I stopped caring about others. All that was inevitable with you as my sister."

"Even now?"

"Yes, even ... now—"

Even now that Reina is no longer here?

"...Wait, we're digressing! I didn't ask about myself, but about the reason why you approached me!"

"No, we are not digressing, Ryoji-san. What did you do after I told you about my death?"

"What I did? Well, I pondered about the meaning of your words and started to have doubts in your death."

"And then you discovered that our conversation was not the only reason to harbor doubts, therefore you started investigating?"

"...Yeah..."

"And then you noticed that everyone is still occupied with me even though I have vanished, which in turn led you to the answer to why you were really doubting my death."

Reina's words are so spot-on that I'm left speechless.

"And you are starting to realize that you do not need to feel alone anymore, now that I am gone."

"No, that's not true ... everyone is still only looking at you!"

"But it is a void they are looking at."

"..."

"And the one who is peering into this void harder than anyone is no one else but you, Ryoji-san."

"...What?" I ask in response to her unexpected statement with my glance fixed upon her.

However, Reina does naturally not answer my glance.

<u>Reina is smiling.</u>

"If I had not approached you before my death, you would have never even thought about stopping to concern yourself with me."

I always thought that nobody was looking at me. That all the attention I was supposed to get waS sucked toward Reina like by a black hole. That nobody knew me. That I was just there.

But Reina is saying that the same applied to myself.

She is saying that my attention was sucked toward her as well.

<u>She is saying that not even I saw myself.</u>

"..."

<i>Is Reina Kamisu really dead?</i> I used to think, and I noticed that the reason for these doubts was to be found in that conversation and the lack of change in my environment.

But is that really all?

Probably not. I was probably scared.

Scared that my environment might not change even after Reina's disappearance—no, I was scared that my environment might still <i>feel</i> to me as though it had not changed after Reina's disappearance.

If Reina was still alive somewhere, then there was nothing strange about feeling that nothing had changed. Everything was the same. Of course, people would still not look at me. 

<u>Because of <i>that</i>, Reina had to be still alive.</u>

And that's how I disregarded myself.

"—I am afraid that it is time to say goodbye," Reina says with a smile after waiting for me to arrive at the conclusion.

"Where are you going, Reina...?"

Reina just keeps smiling.

I will never see her again. Of that I'm sure.

My loneliness will be fading from now on.

Reina, however, will stay alone.

"...Reina," I say as I gaze at her. But still, she doesn't answer my look. She gazes elsewhere, somewhere far away yet nowhere.

—And <b>here</b> she scatters.


I blinked my eyes, and a moment later, Reina was gone.


How? I don't know. Reina disappeared. She scattered. She is not here anymore.

Reina is no longer in this twilit room.


At last, I discovered myself.

Finally, I obtained the ability to associate with others.

And so I let something out that I had held in for a long time.



I cried for Reina.




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