Editing Talk:Bungaku Shoujo:Volume2 Chapter1

' "But don't you want to read foreign stories on their original language? If you can only see such a wonderful story that can move your heart like that only as alphabet is just too sad. That's why I learn English firmly. Also, France, Italy, Germany, and Chinese." '

For this part, are they talking about the language or the countries? (since English(language) and ALSO (countries) switches up the topics a bit...
Thanks (continuing editing lol) -SwiftStrike


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"The tail of her black cat-like thin braid starts jumping around, she clings to the back of the chair while a rain of tears is starting to spill. "<br />
--At this point, you changed to using present-tense verbs from past-tense verbs, but then you change back to past tense. Which one should it be?<br /><br />

"'Garden of Apples', 'Swing of Flowers' are just fine,"<br />
--"'Garden of Apples' '''and''' 'Swing of Flowers' are just fine,"<br /><br />

"the stopwatch '''clicks out a sound'''."<br />
--"the stopwatch '''starts to tick'''." <br /><br />

"After she '''brings''' the composition I had finished"<br />
--What? She's not taking it instead?<br /><br />

"put it into her mouth, and she starts chewing it. "<br />
--"put it into her mouth, and starts chewing it. "<br /><br />

"she '''deliciously''' eats the words"<br />
--Deliciously usually describes the subject in a way like "a deliciously-made dinner" where "dinner" would be the thing that is pleasing. For you to say that she "deliciously eats the words", it sounds like you're calling Tooko delicious. Are you?<br /><br />

"on the '''paper''' and printed books all the while '''dripping''' happily with vast knowledge."<br />
--"on the '''papers''' and printed books all the while '''dripping''' happily with vast knowledge."<br />
--Dripping?<br /><br />

"so much that I eat them, I'm just an ordinary 'Literature Girl'"<br />
--"so much that I eat them -- I'm just an ordinary 'Literature Girl'"<br /><br />

"Tooko-senpai is exactly the good-old version of literature girl,"<br />
--"Tooko-senpai is exactly like '''the''' good-old version of '''a''' literature girl,"<br /><br />

"an elegant young lady"<br />
--"an elegant''',''' young lady"<br /><br />

"'''suited''' with a violet flower '''with her long thin braid which reaches''' her waist, "<br />
--"'''sporting''' a violet flower '''and long thin braids that reach''' her waist"<br /><br />

"faultless slender figure"<br />
--"a faultless, slender figure"<br /><br />

"and parts which is visible to the eye. "<br />
--Huh?<br /><br />

"However, on the inside''',''' she is a glutton and chatterbox, brimming with curiosity, '''loves''' to push her neck into anything, a really troublesome senior. "<br />
--"However, on the inside she is a glutton and '''a''' chatterbox, brimming with curiosity, '''and who loves''' to push her neck into anything. '''A really troublesome senior indeed'''. "<br /><br />

"Even though my chest tightened with expectations of a bittersweet story."<br />
--My chest tightened, expecting a bittersweet story.<br /><br />

"For you to write a slowly degrading story about a boy who jumps into an automatic washing machine, and '''reached''' the apple garden at the end of the world, '''then''' an apple tree with a human face shrieking while he is swinging on the flower-swing is just.."<br />
--"For you to write a slowly degrading story about a boy who jumps into an automatic washing machine, 
'''reaching''' the apple garden at the end of the world, '''only to find''' an apple tree with a human face shrieking while he is swinging on the flower-swing is just.."<br /><br />

"Uu, when I thought of tasting the delicious fresh cream of apple pie, instead of apples''',''' '''it's''' actually stuffed with red hot boiled noodles, and instead of sprinkles of cinnamon powder, it '''taste''' like '''the''' blend of seven spices."<br />
--"Uu, when I thought of tasting the delicious''',''' fresh cream of '''an''' apple pie, instead of apples it '''was''' actually stuffed with '''red-hot''' boiled noodles, and instead of sprinkles of cinnamon powder, it '''tasted''' like '''it was sprinkled with a''' blend of seven spices."<br /><br />

"Apparently the stimulation of freshly severed head of apple is '''quite''' strong that her nose is still dripping. "<br />
--"Apparently''',''' the stimulation of freshly severed '''head of apple''' is '''so''' strong that her nose is still dripping. "<br /><br />

"I don't have blonde hair nor blue eyes, I'm not even wearing a fluttering blouse!"<br />
--"I don't have blonde hair nor blue eyes -- I'm not even wearing a fluttering blouse!"<br /><br />

"I want to eat '''short collection stories of Aiken.'''"<br />
--Is that the name of a collection? If not, an "a" should go in front.<br /><br />

"I want to eat 'A Necklace of Raindrops'''',''' I want to eat 'There's Some Sky in this Pie'''',''' I want to eat 'The Three Travelers'''',''' I want to eat them''',''' I want to eat them''',''' I want to eat them———!"<br />
--"I want to eat 'A Necklace of Raindrops'''';''' I want to eat 'There's Some Sky in this Pie'''';''' I want to eat 'The Three Travelers''''--''' I want to eat them''';''' I want to eat them''';''' I want to eat them———!"<br /><br />

"While still being amazed I said to her"<br />
--"While still being amazed, I said to her"<br /><br />

"and how they told the '''other''' about the story of their vacation"<br />
--"and how they told the '''others''' about the story of their vacation"<br /><br />

"And then''',''' her face become bright again and '''starts to talks''' with full spirit. "<br />
--"And then her face become bright again''',''' and '''she started''' to '''talk''' with full spirit. <br /><br />

"a story about '''appearing children''' are charming like the ginger '''cookie''' their mother baked."<br />
--"a story about '''children appearing who '''are charming like the ginger '''cookies''' their mother baked."<br />

"she blissfully '''muttered'''"<br />
--"Muttered" seems to be a sort of low and hidden way of speaking, as if the speaker didn't really want to speak, or be heard. Tooko doesn't really seem like this at this point. Maybe something like "quipped" or "exclaimed" would work better.<br /><br />

"She always '''looked''' so happy whenever she talks about food."<br />
--""She always '''looks''' so happy whenever she talks about food.""<br /><br />

"Her face turns with extreme bliss as she turns the book page."<br />
--"Her face filled with extreme bliss as she turned the pages."<br /><br />

--[[User:Corti|Corti]] 23:10, 27 January 2010 (UTC) (Geh... '''Still''' not finished!)