Editing Talk:Date A Live:Volume 2 Chapter 4

==Part1 edits== 

*Shidou lightly raised his hand to give a greeting—and froze, just like that. He dropped the bag filled with pastries that was being carried in his left hand, *Splat*, '''it was the sound as if a staff was now unable to enjoy eating the delicious cake.''' 

The bit in bold is a pretty random line to appear. *splat* is a sound sfx that has nothing to do with the sound of a staff of well..anything. What were you aiming to say with that line?
 	
*When Shidou asked her, Origami as if she is taking supplements continued adding on. 

"as if she is taking supplements" to me is a another way of saying she "was taking drugs" while talking to Shidou which probably wasn't what you were trying to say at all. 
--[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 19:43, 11 November 2012 (CST)

i changed the supplements part to complement, but for the Staff thingy i think its an example of some sort that he created.--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 20:06, 11 November 2012 (CST)

Erm..then best way to fit it in would be to separate the text so:
:Shidou lightly raised his hand to give a greeting—and froze, just like that. He dropped the bag filled with pastries that was being carried in his left hand. 
:<nowiki>*splat*</nowiki> 
:In his mind he could see the staff at the bakery groaning as their delicious pastries weren't enjoyed to their fullest / as their delicious pastries were wasted.

Something like that? 
--[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 20:20, 11 November 2012 (CST)

it literally meant "the sound of a staff being unable to eat his delicious cake" somehow like....imagine a hard working father coming home from work...and all he has is a cake to lighten up his day but.........an accident happen..........and the cake falls....something like that.--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 20:37, 11 November 2012 (CST)

*Shidou lightly raised his hand to give a greeting--and froze.<nowiki> *spalt*</nowiki> He dropped the bag filled with pastries that he carried in his left hand. The silence that followed was as if the staff was now unable to enjoy a delicious cake.
Yes, a new debate  [[User:Chancs|Chancs]] ([[User talk:Chancs|talk]]) 23:42, 11 November 2012 (CST)

chancs wins *ting**ting**ting*. ill add it on the next update--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 00:02, 12 November 2012 (CST)

Whats with the second part of the sentence? "Shidou stood up straight and he began to creep his sights in the living room much for clearly compared to just now." I have no idea what it means. --[[User:MonsterBandage|MonsterBandage]] ([[User talk:MonsterBandage|talk]]) 01:14, 13 November 2012 (CST)

typo its "Shidou stood up straight and he began creeping his sights in the living room much clearer compared to just now."

for this part "like the same as just now, she folded her knees to the part he is breathing, and he then felt a warm temperature there on that area." does it mean she folded her knees to part his breathing?

Can we change the way that Shidou refers to the spirist as "good fellows" to something else? It sounds extremely awkward coming from the mouth of a character in his teens. Your more likely to hear it from a middle aged man. I think "good people" would be the best substitute but a little overused. --[[User:MonsterBandage|MonsterBandage]] ([[User talk:MonsterBandage|talk]]) 01:53, 13 November 2012 (CST)

and yea for the breathing part

problem here is that humans and Spirits are in separated categories people=humans,Spirit=? so i could only use fellows i could use guys but that is for male. if you have any other way to put it then post it here.--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 20:06, 12 November 2012 (CST)

I agree that fellow sounds awkward, I would try to reduce it's usage so
:*"…That <strike>fellow</strike> girl, <strike>is</strike> sleep<strike>ing</strike>s in quite a huge bed." 

:*"……………No, err— about that. E-Even <strike>in</strike> among the Spirits, there are good <strike>fellows</strike> ones too………such thing." 

:*"I beg you. Even if it's little, even if it is a little it's okay. If Yoshino appears from the other world this time, try talking to her. —Just like what you said, there might be evil Spirits out there. But, Tohka and Yoshino— I don't know how am I going to put this into words but…, they are really, good <strike>fellows</strike> people…! <strike>Those fellows</strike> They are really kind, they are so kind that it is rare to find them even in the human society……!" 

I don't think you need to especially make a distinction between them being human/spirit in this line. Shidou is trying to humanise them to Origami anyway so she doesn't treat them as walking disasters. --[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 20:13, 12 November 2012 (CST)

well i guess that works--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 20:32, 12 November 2012 (CST)

But even so, '''the reason for him to specially take''' on the risk of leakage of information just so that he can talk to Origami about this matter. —'''The reason is that he had to do it.'''

I've seen this a few times now, the repetition of certain phrases, within the same paragraph or even in the same running sentence. Personally I find it a bit awkward/weird sounding since it can distort the flow of things.

Another example would be the earlier scene where Tohka ran after Shidou.

 And, Tamae who was surveying the inside of the Shelter returned her sights to Tohka.
 "Ara……? Ya-Yatogami-san?"
 She looked at where Tohka was standing before but, her figure disappeared. 

The reason I thought this sounded awkward earlier, probably comes down to the "She looked at where Tohka was standing before" bit, since it isn't really necessary. I would edit it something like:

 And, Tamae who was surveying the inside of the Shelter returned her sights to where Tohka was standing.
 "Ara……? Ya-Yatogami-san?"
 Tohka's figure had disappeared. 

While the meaning hasn't changed, I think the overall flow reads better. Can't say how closely it follows the author's original writing style tho.

But even so, the reason for him to specially take on the risk of leakage of information just so that he can talk to Origami about this matter. —it is because he just had to do it. <---you can use this instead.--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 07:44, 13 November 2012 (CST)

This was only natural. Since honestly speaking, it did not make sense. If he was not able to communicate with <Fraxinus> then, she would definitely avoid leaking any unwanted information; she was probably scolded that she has been stirring up unwanted suspicions. 

Could you check this section? It doesn't make sense, probably due to the your use of she and he.

This was only natural. Since honestly speaking, it did not make sense. Since he was not able to communicate with <Fraxinus> then she would definitely avoid leaking any unwanted information; In fact he would probably be scolded for stirring up unwanted suspicions. --[[User:Drowzycow|Drowzycow]] ([[User talk:Drowzycow|talk]]) 14:25, 13 November 2012 (CST)

This was only natural. Since honestly speaking, it did not make sense. Since he was not able to communicate with <Fraxinus> then she would definitely avoid leaking any unwanted information;<-- this part no mistake.... for the last part its" she was probably scolded that she has been stirring up unwanted suspicions. " because Origami is getting scolded from her superior not Shidou.--[[User:RikiNutcase|RikiNutcase]] ([[User talk:RikiNutcase|talk]]) 19:02, 13 November 2012 (CST)