Editing Talk:Mushi:Vol2 Open

My opinion on edits made here. This has changed since before, if anyone saw it. Realized that many of my comments were based on crappy understanding of the Chinese.

Line 1: Concerning this small event… 

-IMO sounded way too formal. Phrase isn't really important, so I think it's better to just toss in a random short phrase.
 

Rinne had finished the cleaning duty she was assigned to do

-I think this was getting a bit redundant. Cleaning by itself if both a duty and something that you do, so adding both duty and to do is a bit excessive IMO. 
 

Line 51: Rinne’s expression showed a slight uncertainty as she bowed her head in apology towards Katsumi.

-Do we really need to say the bow was in apology when the next line has her saying sorry? Eh my "fix" didn't change much, but I at least think it's less blatant.
 
 
Line 119: She was a friend, more important than basically anyone else.

-It feels to me like the comma there implies that Katsumi was important because friends in general are more important than other people. I think, with the comma gone, it means something more like, “Katsumi was really important, and she was also a friend”, which IIRC is more accurate in regards to the Chinese.
 

Line 191: the existence that had cheerfully called out to her was not a resident of the world humans couldn't understand with their logic.

-Double negative.


Line 213: Her hair was tied into two rather short pigtails, and because her overly bright smile she revealed a row of white teeth, and her eyes shone incomprehensibly.

-I don’t like the two “ands” in the same sentence. Perhaps break it into two sentences after talking about the pigtails? (For the record, even I can’t understand what I was thinking when I typed up my version. It makes no sense to me.)

 
Line 221: However...

-Let’s keep the single period over the ellipse, which IIRC was how the Chinese had it. It still conveys the same meaning, but the period implies an abruptness which I assume was intended.
 

Line 295: --Behind her stood the girl who remained innocent looking and had a happy face.

-Changing had to kept would be better I think.

Her blood splattered everywhere. Her bones were long since crushed to smithereens, and were miraculously mashed together with pieces of flesh—

-I think we should take out “miraculously” to avoid implying that bones being mashed with flesh would be a miracle.

Long-Armed Demon’s face did not reveal the slightest guilt at committing Katsumi’s murder

-Pretty sure English doesn't let people say "commit someone's murder". Could be wrong though.
 

Line 385: I am only the digestive organ

-IMO using "the" before readers know anything about the "body" that the digestive system is in makes it sound like choppy English.



 [[User:Cakemanofdoom|Cakemanofdoom]] 17:42, 15 May 2011 (UCT)