Golden Time:Volume6 Chapter2

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Golden Time 6: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Urged onwards by Kouko's father, Banri went inside through the open gate.

As soon as he walked in, all he could say was "Whoa!" He couldn't find the words for it. He knew, of course, that Kouko had been raised in a rich family, but it was still amazing to see in person. It was overwhelmingly easy to understand. The words "filthy rich" danced in his brain. To be honest, he was quite surprised.

Though Banri's house in Shizuoka was probably bigger (the surrounding tea fields and vegetable garden all belonged to the Tada family), the Kaga house seemed to have been built on a very large site. When you consider that the house was in an upscale neighborhood in central Tokyo, the size was quite extraordinary.

From inside the gate, the stone-paved approach meandered on to a tall, circular projecting entryway that turned into steps. Beyond that point, whitish, roughly-textured tiles... looking up, Banri naturally wound up bending backwards.

It was a mansion.

A! Huge! Estate!

It was such an extravagant building that it could only be described as such. Neatly manicured trees grew around and behind the building, creating an atmosphere as if the place were isolated in the countryside. There were many antique lamps hung at even intervals along the path to the front door, and the sense of being in another world would be even greater when the lights were turned on at night.

There was space for four cars on each side of the driveway, but who in the house was driving? At a glance, there was only one old Honda Monkey here, and it was parked comfortably with an unusually large space around it. Kouko's father parked his car in front of the Monkey and got out. When he saw him, Banri flinched slightly. He was wearing a green robe, with sandals on his bare feet. With only a newspaper and his keys in hand, he passed by Banri in a hurry and ran up the stairs with light steps.

"Umm, weren't you... working... today?

"Only the morning. We were going to be on vacation, but we... changed plans."

Come to think of it... originally the Kaga family about now...

"Ah... to Barcelona...? You... cancelled that?"

"To Barcelona, yeah, so it was. We... cancelled."

Did Kouko's accident result in their vacation being cancelled? ...He already understood that, but even with both sides having known that for a while, his tone of voice was somehow unsteady.

When he thought about it, he had only managed to get through meeting this person saying only three things up to now: "No, no!" "It's okay!" and "I'm sorry!"

"You... called... it off."

"...Yeah."

"I... see..."

"...Yeah, that's right..."

The two sides continued with their clumsy attempt to converse, but they were unable to get off the ground. It was probably far past the point of being able to choose to stop. Kouko's father looked like he would start speaking like a woman if he were pushed even one millimeter. However, he didn't reach that point, and safely climbed the stairs, unlocked the door and invited Banri inside the mansion.

Banri whispered "Pardon me...", but his voice sounded strangely deep and amplified.

The entrance floor was polished marble. Once inside, the floor was of wood with dark highlights. Light shone diagonally from a skylight high overhead, illuminating a light-colored staircase winding leisurely around the walls of the atrium.

The entrance hall of the Kaga house was filled with a luxurious silence, as if it were a museum, or a small hotel.

Just then, with a cute meow, a fluffy cat that looked like a silver furball came running down the stairs. The little bell on her collar tinkling, she gave Banri a wide berth, but wound herself around the feet of Kouko's father. She was like a basketball, circling between his legs in a figure-eight. So that was her brother's cat? The one that got attacked by a snake? With all the lush greenery around the house, there was certainly plenty of room for snakes.

While saying "Your fur's sticking to me," he lightly petted the cat near the base of its tail.

"...Once they grow up, children don't seem to want to follow you around anymore."

He didn't understand where Kouko's father was going with what he was saying.

"......Haa......"

"You know, the vacation. Well, the younger child has already started his second semester and was happy to be going to school, but... ah, slippers......"

"Ah, yes sir. Ah, excuse... ah, thanks......"

Somehow, in this strange moment, they couldn't even look each other in the eye. The cat looked at Banri suspiciously as he put on the slippers offered to him. Her eyes coldly glittered a bright ice blue.

"Kouko's in her room, I think."

Still speaking a bit like a woman, he walked off without hesitation in front of Banri. Instead of going up the stairs, he pushed open a massive wooden door in front of him with both hands and continued down the hallway.

As he followed him, Banri suddenly wondered if Kouko might be doing surprisingly well.

He thought maybe she wasn't in that particularly difficult a situation, given that he was admitted so quickly and easily when he came to see her. That was a relief, but it also made him wonder why he hadn't heard from her earlier.

Ignoring glass double doors which appeared to lead to the living room, her father went into the deepest part of the house. Then he knocked rather roughly on a door he could see there. "Kouko!" he called. Without waiting for a reply he pushed the door open. Then, without even looking side, he said, "Well then..." and walked away.

Even if he did say, "Well then..."

Stopped there and a little bewildered, from the direction her father had departed came a soft padding and ringing to Banri's ears. "Meow." She may have been saying, "I've been following you, haven't I?" perhaps only barely wanting to be heard, in the falsetto voice of an old man with honor, family and wealth. There was a sound of the glass door opening. The sound of its closing.

Having been left behind in the silence for now, he tried peeking into Kouko's room. But it was so dark in the room it was hard to believe it was middle day. He automatically looked back into the hallway, thinking, "Is she really here?"

"What is it...!? All of a sudden..."

A terribly irritated voice echoed through the room. The harsh, high-pitched voice made Banri cower as if he had been struck.

It was if the inside of the room had been immersed in darkness. He could see something squirming on top of the bed close to the wall.

Him guiding him here as if it was nothing wasn't because it was nothing, but rather may have been a burst of fatherly insensitivity.

"......Eh......?"

Through a gap in soggy terrycloth, a humanoid mass seemed to jump up.

She was completely defenseless against the unannounced raid. Time seemed to stop for a few seconds. Their eyes opened so wide they could split, they found themselves staring at each other in the darkness. She must have clearly recognized Banri standing there in the doorway.

Kouko shouted, "......Don't come here!"

* * *

Come to think of it, this may have been the first time he'd ever heard words of clear rejection coming from Kouko's mouth. Banri gasped involuntarily at the strength of the voice that seemed to be strike out at him. He froze, only one step from entering the room through the partially opened door.

Kouko was there, in the back of the dark room.

Long, tangled, messy hair. Eyes opened wide. The sound of her breath, as if she were about to cry, reached Banri's ears.

Kouko was crouched on top of the bed still, buried in her blanket.

But even though Banri had heard clear words of rejection at that moment, he still thought he was somehow mistaken. Kouko was always crazy to see him. Whenever he saw her, her smile was like a flower blooming, and she always accepted his presence joyfully. So there was no way she could say "Don't come here!" He absolutely had to be mistaken.

It's me, he murmured quietly. It's me, Banri. Quietly, he stepped towards the bed,

"......Kouko, it's me......"

One step,

"No!"

"......Everyone else too,"

Two steps,

"Don't come here!"

Banri's feet stopped.

His mind went numb. It wasn't that he had been mistaken: he's been clearly rejected. Right now.

Kouko pulled the blanket over her head, curled up in a ball, and pushed herself against the wall as if she were trying to separate herself from Banri as far as she could. To Banri's eyes, she looked just like a hard chrysalis. Cut off from all communication with the outside world, any outsider would have no idea what was going on inside that shell. Had the woman he had seen up to now turned into a drippy, sludgy chaos? Had she changed from the girl he knew?

"Don't come here," she'd said...

No longer able to move, not knowing what he should do, Banri suddenly felt like crying. So that's why he couldn't get ahold of her? In short, it was the will of Kouko herself? It wasn't that her parents had locked her up or taken away her cell phone and forbidden her to use it. He could see her familiar phone, thrown on the desk by the window.

But why?

A western styled room with a wide floor and tasteful furniture. Against one wall, a wardrobe. A crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. A big flat-screen television with a laptop. On the wall was a CD player you could operate with a simple touch of the hand. Boxes of brand-name shoes piled up in the corner. On the dresser there was a ground glass lamp. And then there were a number of transparent perfume bottles. There were all sorts of beautiful things that any girl would want to have here.

And now all of this was immersed in the warm, damp darkness. It was September, and still hot, but the air conditioner was not turned on.

"Kouko......"

The chrysalis had perhaps forgotten its name; in any case she did not respond.

The shades on the large windows were still down, and the wooden blinds behind them were rightly closed. The room was as dark as if it had fallen into the depths of black shadow, with the only light coming from the corridor behind Banri. He didn't know where the light switch was to turn it on.

When suddenly,

"...I'm sorry for having put you in danger the other day. I am really sorry for having made you feel scared."

Still buried in the blanket, Chrysalis Kouko murmured those words of apology in a low voice. Then, continuing,

"......But, please... go home. Please......"

She didn't say "don't come closer." She said, "Get out of here." "Get out of my sight."

"Why the heck?" Without thinking, Banri walked up to her bed, but "No! Don't come here! Go over there! Don't look at me!"

When she realized that Banri was approaching, Kouko let out a high-pitched, trembling scream. She froze in place as if her limbs were dumb wooden sticks.

Really, why? Why was it? Banri could not figure it out, and his stomach felt leaden. Weren't they together all the time until just last week? Like a couple of idiots doing nothing at all, the people around them saying their relationship was utterly like that of a pair of mysterious stalkers in space-time, but weren't they having fun as a couple? Weren't they happy simply being at each other's side, without anyone bothering them in Banri's room, whether talking or being quiet? So why did it suddenly become like this?

He wondered if this was how people... people's relationships suddenly changed? Would he suddenly find himself shut out, or perhaps even cut off in the end?

In short, was this the parting of ways between himself and Kouko? If he were to leave Kouko here in this darkness, would it be the last time he saw her?

"......No!"

Not to be outdone by Kouko's voice, Banri shouted back.

"I won't go back!"

"Why!? I wasn't telling you to go home! ......I just don't want to see anyone!"

"No, I won't go back! I can't leave you here like this!"

"......Please, go home...! I'm begging you! I'm no good anymore! ...I can't see you anymore. I don't want to be see... so please. ......I'm sorry. I'm really sorry......"

His chest tight from hearing her say "I'm sorry" over and over again, Banri was near to giving up. Losing heart, he seemed to be getting to where he couldn't say anything more.

In his mind, he wanted to do as Kouko said and leave this place alone... but in his heart he fought desperately against it. Inhaling, his chest expanded. Bracing both feet, he dug in his heels, saying he would not go home. I am definitely here. I want to be here. Kouko might hate me for it, but I want to stay by her side.

If they came to a fork in the road, he would want to stay by Kouko's side forever. That's what he wanted to do. How could he make her understand this feeling of his?

Shaking his head a few times side to side, he took another deep breath.

"I am not leaving. No way."

He spit it out. His resolution.

"I came because I was worried about you. I won't go home and leave you like this. Everyone else was very worried about you too. I mean, we still are. Your father was really angry with you, wasn't he? But you were not the only one at fault... yeah, just now your father and I had a little chat. He said that he and everyone feels responsible for you, and they aren't blaming you."

No sooner had he thought of it, turning her head suddenly towards the hall, towards Banri,

"Stop it!"

Kouko's tearful cry stopped him.

"Don't do that...! It's my fault! And besides, I am not depressed because he got mad at me...!"

From under the corner of the blanket over her, just that moment, Banri could see a white face and froze. Kouko's cheeks were wet with tears, and her disheveled hair was stuck to them. She was crying. Without thinking he called out her name, but his voice caught in his throat, making him gasp.

How long had Kouko been shedding tears in this darkness? All alone, not responding to anyone's calls. She never said anything to anyone. The tearful face she wore when they parted on the street that night flashed through his mind in the blink of an eye. The pink of her handbag, the whiteness of her calves, the colors of that day as seen in the darkness flashed vividly before him. You've been crying like this ever since, haven't you?

"It's just that I am ashamed of myself."

Raising herself up just a little bit, looking at Banri with one wet eye, Kouko said that with an oddly flat voice.

"Such an accident taking place, seeing the danger I placed everyone in, I thought... virtually for the first time, I thought seriously about my own stupidity. ......I had thought I could do anything. I am an adult now, I'm free, I can do whatever I want. And the result: I fell asleep at the wheel. One wrong step and we would all have been dead. Because of me."

"......That is why it wasn't all your fault."

"What're you saying? Wasn't it completely my fault?"

Tears still streaming from her open eyes, tilting her head left and right, it seemed like Kouko had no idea what Banri was really saying.

"If you're driving people in a car, you shouldn't sleep, not by any stretch of the imagination. That's your responsibility. ......I didn't understand that and thought I could do it. I simply did what I wanted to do. I wanted to drive, so I drove. The result of that behavior was that I fell asleep at the wheel. We had an accident. ......I couldn't handle it, I had no idea what I should do, and left it all to my parents. I couldn't take responsibility; I didn't even know how immature I was. I am really, really, really an idiot."

She said this without using the past tense and pulled the blanket back over her head. He could only see her mouth. Seeing her mouth from the side, he couldn't see if she was smiling, but he could see new tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Even though the face I see in the mirror is indeed that of an adult. Even though I look like an adult, the inside doesn't keep up at all. I was too stupid to realize it until something like this happened. ...I wonder, why is that? How could I be so immature? Even though I am old enough, why can't I grow up at all?"

"...Don't say you are 'old enough.' Aren't we still in our teens?"

Banri desperately, quietly, as if scooping up Kouko's faint crying voice from below, squeezed out his voice.

"Until spring, we were ordinary high schoolers. Just because we're now college students doesn't mean that we're suddenly adults. That's normal. I'm the same way, and I'm sure everyone else is too. Surely, you don't have to be in such a hurry."

"But I thought I was grown up. In fact, I behaved like an adult. I drank sake, went out for walks at night, wore expensive shoes, wore makeup, had someone I loved, drove a car carrying those important to me... putting my foolishness on display like that, imitating the behavior of adults. Because of that, I put everyone in danger. I can't help but be ashamed of myself, of my stupidity. I cannot show my face before everyone anymore."

Once more taking the form of a hard chrysalis, Kouko bowed down her face. He could see her stubbornly curled up back rising and falling with her breathing. Still unable to get close enough to even touch that back,

"...Don't say things like that!"

Banri slowly and carefully, yet desperately, searched for the right words. The proper words, the needed words, words that could not be misunderstood.

"Everyone has been really worried about you, so... really. Oka-chan, Two Dimensions, Yana-ssan too, they asked if I could contact you, oh yeah, even earlier today we..."

"Don't."

...Putting out her hand as if to forcibly withdraw her consent, Kouko ripped Banri's words to shreds.

"It can't be done. I can't do this any longer. I have to take responsibility for causing that accident and for having put everyone in danger. ...I can't even face you anymore. ...So, I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry, okay? ...I'm very sorry...!"

Her words breaking down into sobs, Kouko stayed as she was, unmoving.

Huh...?

A single sound escaped Banri's mouth involuntarily. That "sorry", it wasn't her being sorry for having causing the accident...?

By not being able to face anyone, in short, must mean no longer not seeing anyone. Not anyone, then not even Banri either.

I must take responsibility. That's why I can't see you anymore. I'm sorry. ...It seemed that making such a one-sided declaration, and then crying, Kouko really did mean to put an end to all this. She didn't raise her face a second time, and that was it. If Banri walked away, it was the end. This really was the end of the line.

Almost in shock, Banri could not reply right away. Here she'd been talking up a storm about "It's got to be our destiny", and "It's for eternity", and failing just one single time, she has to punish herself forever for that? That she cannot face anyone anymore?

"......What're you saying......!?"

Does 'taking responsibility' mean doing away with everything once and for all like this?

After gasping like a fish several times, Banri finally shook his head side to side. What should he say? What should he think? What was it? What was that?

"An accident is an accident, isn't it? ...Eh, what am I saying...?"

Having said something that didn't make sense, he clicked his tongue lightly and started over. Rewind.

"......Something unexpected happened. That's what 'accident' means. Nobody, no adult nor any child wanted an accident to happen, but even so, it happened. Now and then, something unlucky happens, so it's an accident. You said you could not take responsibility, but, no, because you could not take responsibility, saying to yourself 'I can't already. It's impossible. I'm going to disappear.' What is that? Isn't that, in the end, you saying 'I have to take responsibility' but then punting it even further out? ...Right?"

Not knowing what he was saying himself, he shut up. Since the one speaking didn't even understand, Kouko, who was listening, probably didn't understand either. He was in a hurry. Feeling himself impatient, he got even more impatient.

He simply wanted to change Kouko's way of thinking. He wanted to convey to her that taking responsibility by disappearing, clearly showing that you were taking the responsibility upon oneself, as with harikiri, was not right. Atonement through crushing one's identity, though it has certainly been done since ancient times, probably didn't apply here. Because after she disappears from everyone's sight, so long as she remains alive, Kouko's life will go on. No matter how much you pretend that you have disappeared, you will still be connected to such a self as that.

"You want to be forgiven, right? Do you think you will be forgiven if you disappear? By whom? By me and everyone else? By your mother and father? By yourself? Will it make you feel better? So, you are telling us you will disappear from our sight?"

......Ngh, this isn't right. I don't want to talk this way. This is making it sound like I want to say she can't do such a thing. It's not that I want to talk her down by saying "You're wrong and I'm right," but I simply want her to stop talking about things like disappearing. I don't want to push her any further, but rather I want to pull her back from the brink. But all that comes out of my mouth are coldly reasoned words. I really hate myself for being so bad at speaking, but still, I can't keep my mouth shut here.

Banri, moving his hands frantically like a lousy rapper as he drew closer and argued even more vehemently "So, umm, it's not like that..."

"We had an accident, you couldn't take the blame for it, and you felt you should be ashamed of that. But don't just run away from the shame. If it's a shame, embrace it. You have to live with the shame and still get on with your life. Whether you are forgiven or not has nothing to do with it, whether you are forgiven or not, you are who you are. You cannot really stop being yourself, now can you? Besides, have you not interacted with other people? You want to erase those parts of you that are unacceptable, pretend they never happened, clean up your mistakes and start over from scratch? And if you have another accident, are you going to say, "That has nothing to do with my current self, those times have already been erased," and run away again? In so doing, you alone get to start again all over, again and again from a clean slate with no mistakes, leaving the rest of us behind... uwah!?"

"......Shuttttttttt up!"

Pomph!

An object suddenly came flying into his face. On the receiving end, and unable to avoid it, Banri fell to his knees.

He had no idea at that moment what it was.

Stunned, his mouth shut,

"Shut your mouth! Look at yourself! What are you talking about!? You, you're the one saying that!? Shouldn't I be the one saying 'What're you saying!?'"

"......Huh!?"

Another whomp! Whomp! Two strikes left and right.

He was no longer able to say anything as he received soft yet strangely heavy attacks one after another. Kouko, her blanket still wrapped around her feet, came flying towards him, attacking him with her pillow. She was pummeling him with it mercilessly.

Her crying face twisted and shaking, her body trembling, her breathing uneven,

"......I don't want... to hear... things like that... from you......!"

Her voice was shrill, turned turtle and cracking. She was like some beast he couldn't put a name on. If he had a choice, the first would be "exorcist", and in second place "domestic violence", but of course he didn't have the time to think either one.

The pillow was still in Kouko's hand, lifted high in the air. She bent backwards, as if she were going to use her entire body as a spring. She threw the pillow down at the floor with all her might. It bounced with quite a noise, and then fell silent like a small, dead animal.

Banri never thought that Kouko could do such a thing, and he sat there, still in a state of shock, unmoving, unspeaking. As for Kouko, her tears made her eyes dazzling as she glared at Banri with her shoulders heaving. And then with a shudder, as not only her voice but her chin shook,

"From you, only from you, that's the last thing I want to hear. I mean, really, you, what are you saying......!? Reaaaalllly, what are you saying......!?"

It was like she was vomiting the words. As if she were growling.

"Wh... why!? What is that!?"

Still sitting on the floor, looking up at the imposing Kouko and finally, desperately saying that much,

"Banri, didn't you leave it all behind!? Didn't you leave it all behind, reject everything about the past and start over!?"

"I..."

The moment the meaning of Kouko's words got through to him, a strange fever rising in his head,

"In my case it wasn't because I wished for it!"

Banri had shouted too, as if he were biting her. Even to himself echoing surprisingly wildly, he realized that Kouko retreated in surprise. But not wanting to stop, he said, "But isn't this what you wanted? Just who was it that told me to forget!? Weren't you the one who cried, shouted and made a big fuss, telling everyone to forget anything ever happened!?"

Before he knew it, he had said things that should not have been between the two of them. What should have been downplayed, he was digging up and brandishing with all his strength.

Trembling all over, Kouko said, "Wha, wha, wha, what!?" What? What's that? What, what, what's that, but, of course, didn't you say it seemed you might have liked Linda in the past? Clearly your present self isn't taking any responsibility for that. Not related, but your past self... it flashes, it flickers, it can't be helped, you know... I wouldn't say it feels like you're flickering. If I were to put it into words, of course it would, but, well, what am I supposed to do about it? ...Trembling and shaking, she spoke in a long, low tone sounding like an incantation or a prayer to the gods.

"......Whaaa...!?"

Suddenly opening her eyes wide, she barked back at him with all her strength, "Why is it always me!?"

Coming to a squat suddenly, "That's not what I'm saying!!!"

Squarely facing Banri, who was squatting to the side and below, she stretched out towards him as if she were going for a serious head-butting showdown. Where once she was scared to death by the sound of a man's angry voice, now she had a death voice coming from the bottom of stomach as if she were about to vomit. NANA-senpai would have been proud of her. Launching an impressive preemptive attack against him, she seemed to have no intention of backing down. Her voice, her face, her attitude and everything else was so much like that DVD ‘The Exorcist' that Banri couldn't help but shout "Who are you? I wasn't talking like that!"

"I mean, isn't it since then? You haven't had any intention of accepting your old self, not from the start! Isn't that why you left your parent's house!? Didn't you leave your home and friends behind, cut off Linda who you had always loved, and now you're living like everything's just fine!? This isn't all about what I do!"

This one... this one said it too. She said exactly what should not have been said. Stop running off at the mouth...!

His neck stiffening with a jolt, something snapping inside his head, Banri grabbed a pillow. His mind gone blank, his reason blown away, as he stood up and lifted the pillow high in the air to throw it at Kouko with a full swing, it felt squishier than he had expected, slipped from his hand, and flew off in the wrong direction. As he followed it with his eyes, in his own awkward way he shook and shouted, "Doaaruasshaa!" becoming like Murofushi right after a pitch. It struck the counter by the window, making quite a crash. Many glass bottles fell down as Kouko, with a shout of "Byaarasshaa!", waved both her arms vigorously. Holding her head as it was, she fell to her knees, bending her hips almost to a "C" shape. Completely undoing the atmosphere on the pitch at the moment the whistle blew on the day of the "Agony of Doha", Banri calmed down and tried to run towards the counter, but,

"......I, mean......!"

Kouko suddenly grabbed him by the hem of his T-shirt. She drew it so tight from behind that his nipples poked through the thin fabric.

"Will you be cutting me off next!? Are you going to set me aside just like you did before...!?"

"Huh!? Next!?"

"Didn't you say earlier that accidents are accidents because you never expect them!? If you have another accident and lose your memories, wouldn't it be my turn to get left behind!? ...Wouldn't it...!?"

"What kind of tale is that!? Who told you such a thing!?"

"I saw it in a dream!"

...I saw it in a dreams. I. Saw. It. In. A. Dreams. In a dreams. Dream. Dre-am.

"...Huh, ah, aaahhh...!?"

Thok! An arrow of straightforward unreasonableness. It pierced his brain, straight through at point blank range.

Let's try playing that back in Oka-chan's voice. "I saw it in a dream~ Nyaha!" ...Thok! Can't do it. No matter what kind of cute voice you hear from a cute girl, terrible is terrible.

They went on a short trip, she fell asleep at the wheel on the way home, had an accident and cut off contact with everybody. Unable to eat out of sheer worry for her, he went nervously to see her, and when he did so she started talking about breaking up, screaming, losing her temper, beating him with a pillow, Murofushi in Doha... I saw it in a dream! Is that the reason? Is that why she is looking at me this way? He sat down, all his strength gone. Where she hit him with the pillow was nothing, but his heart was torn to pieces. He was carry-all bag. The epicenter, Ikebukuro. ...That's how he felt right now.

Gimme a break.

"......Ku......"

"...Don't laugh!"

"I'm not laughing...!"

Still sitting, he could not raise his downcast face. He desperately wanted to unclench his tightly shut lips and cry out. Why on earth did this have to happen? Was it not too much? He was condemned by her dreams, she was talking about breaking up. It was as if she had been possessed by an evil spirit. How could things turn out so ridiculous? Pass a law to ban this. By all means, bring it under control.

At that moment, a big drop of water fell on the back of Banri's hand. Then two drops, then three.

"......?"

When he raised his eyes, he saw Kouko directly in front of him, collapsed to a pose like she was on all fours, big tears dripping from her chin. His simple thoughts were going like "So... you... cry...?" But,

That was the all-time worst crying face. Of all the awful things today, it was the worst. As awful as the first glittering star of the evening. Like boiled down, concentrated awfulness.

"Ba, Ba... Ban, I... am... awf..."

Looking like a comedian wearing pantyhose on her head, one leg pulled down on each side, her face twisted side to side, looking like she could not breathe any longer, Kouko, anyhow, desperately,

"Banri, I'm awful, aren't I?"

As if saying meaningful words. He didn't say "Yeah, you are really awful, aren't you?" It might have been her tearful face, or rather, her awful appearance, but Banri's anger suddenly... lost its edge. If all the world's fighter planes had a face like this, perhaps the world would all at once be peaceful. He should not have seen that pantyhose face; it made him lose his will to fight. He had been forced into a head-on fight with such an ultimate weapon.

"......Enough already."

What else could he say?

"Anyway, let's... hide that face for now..."

Spontaneously, Banri wrapped both his hands around Kouko's face. He held her head tightly, in roughly the same way as if he were about to do a head throw. Sitting very close facing each other, he held Kouko's back, as she was on top of him, as if in a heap. It seemed like the bumps of her slender backbone joined perfectly with the roughness of Banri's cheekbones.

Kouko was crying in his arms, her body seeming to jump with every sob. Her hands clutched at the waist of his pants with desperate strength. It bit into many places, so much so as to hurt, but he let her grab tight anyway.

Eventually Kouko said, "......I haben't, I haben't swebt at all...!"

Her voice sounded way too nasal.

"......What's you saying? I don't know what "haben't" is... blow your nose."

Wriggling around with her head still under his armpit, she wiped her nose a few times with some tissues which were right behind him, tossed them somewhere, then grabbed him tight with both hands again.

"......I can't sleep at all..." she muttered again in a small voice. "Yes, yes," Banri simply listened to her.

"......I have, you know, this dream... In the dream I see the same as when we had the accident. Whenever I doze off, I have this dream, over and over again, and then I wake up. ...Always, over and over again..."

She said she would be riding in a car with Banri, just the two of them.

...She would be the one driving.

Banri would be in the passenger seat.

We would be going down a straight highway at night, but along the way there would be a sign saying "Get Off." So once we stopped, I would get out of the car. Only me. When I turned around, you would have driven off in the car. I would shout, "Wait, wait! Don't go!" but you wouldn't notice, and I would not be able to catch you even if I ran. Besides, you didn't know how to drive, so there was nothing I could do about it. I simply cried. I didn't have my purse. I didn't have a cellphone. I didn't have anything. It was the road of no return. Once you had gone down that road, I would never see you again. I would never be able to catch you...

Kouko's back, which shivered now and then as she talked, was faintly damp with sweat. It was beyond warm. It was hot. As he felt her body heat through his cheek fastened tightly to her, Banri held his breath and listened intently to her voice. Her heart seemed to be there in every, faint, word.

"......But, you know, I realize that I've had dreams like that for a long time now. I wonder why... I seem to have been watching this scene long, long before the accident. I had a feeling it would happen someday. I am always frightened... that the day would definitely come when you would leave me and I would not be able to see you again because of it. I'm scared. Scared, Banri. What should I do? ...I am so scared...!"

Kouko gripped Banri's pant's waist with both hands, squeezing him tightly.

In all likelihood, seen from the outside, it could have been a pro wrestling move.

In a position that completed secured Kouko's neck, Banri embraced her slender back as if he were covering her. Without a doubt it was a strange sight to see, but their breathing was in perfect sync, and Banri thought to himself that they were like a pair of metal fittings clearly made to match. It was as if they had been made to fit together perfectly without any gaps, and once they were fitted together, they could not be removed. The only way to remove them was to break them, and if they were broken, they could no longer be used.

"...Is that what you're saying? That I am going to lose my memories again?"

"Yeah," Kouko uttered a painfully muffled cry.

"I... if you left me, I really don't know what I would do anymore. I wouldn't know what to do or how to live. Really, I have no idea at all. So I beg of you, don't leave me. If you do go somewhere, take me with you. Please. ...Please take me with you..."

Kouko said this with the same voice that only a few minutes ago was saying, "Don't come here. Go home. Please." With the same mouth that apologized for not seeing him anymore, she said "Please take me with you."

But to Banri's ears, the "pleases" that he heard had all the same meaning. Without confusion nor hesitation, he definitely heard the real Kouko's mouth speaking. She was saying only one thing:

Help me!

Kouko was shouting just one thing from the center of her fears. Or perhaps she had been shouting it the whole time. And yet, he had been unable to realize what it was until now.

Kaga Kouko had it all, nothing missing. He had thought that she was satisfied with everything, and that there was no way she could have a problem. He thought she was totally "perfect", except for the fact that she was dating a guy who didn't know what she saw in him. What in the world did she see in him up to this point? Even though they'd been so close, what had he been doing all this time? He had closed off all the channels, as if on purpose... all he could think about was himself. Perhaps he did not really understand that she even existed in this world and was a living creature with a heart.

Closing his eyes, he pressed his mouth against Kouko's back.

"...The next time you have that dream, for now, try your best to not get out of the car for me."

"Yeah," Kouko replied.

He thought the fear that Kouko was currently mired in was not simply a dream world, nor a figment of her imagination, but an emotion directed at the real-life Tada Banri. It was a shame that his lover's fears was really about her feelings for him, but he couldn't imagine it was anything else. The unreliable and untrustworthy guy named Banri was a nightmare for Kouko. The lover whose channels were all closed, who didn't seem to understand her in anyway, was the very cause of her anxiety.

To help her to break this loop of recurring nightmares...

"......So, if you could please not go downhill from feelings like that in the real world. I could do without things like not seeing you anymore."

"......Yeah......"

"And then I too,"

Banri stopped talking briefly.

In order to help Kouko, he himself had to change.

He had to make a serious decision, and not just talk about it. That's what he thought. Once it left his mouth, he could not call it back. He had no choice but to grow up and act according to his words. He asked himself, 'Is this really okay?' How well are you prepared, Tada Banri?

"......Because I will do my best too."

At the slight rise in the pitch of Banri's voice, Kouko's back suddenly stopped rising and falling.

"...Though I realized earlier what you told me, but there is no question that I have left a lot of people behind. Because they were inconvenient, I tossed them aside and ran away. It's like I was desperately trying to git rid of the me I could not accept. Because that was not me, I told myself. ...I was just running around in circles, denying myself as hard as I could. I was so busy running away that I truly didn't have the time to spare to look at anyone else. ...But, I don't want to be that person anymore. So that I can live as myself, so that I can keep living as myself, I am going to stop running away."

It's okay. My preparations are complete.

"Banri......?"

"Whether by accident, or by forgetting, you can't just rewind your life and start over. That's the truth. Nobody can do such a thing. You cannot make it as if the time you've lived up to then never happened. It builds up, or rather, it drags you along. It doesn't matter whether you are unpleasant or haughty about it, you cannot cut it loose. Shame, sorrow, failure and success are all part of what you are. The very fact that you have become such a creature is a sign that you have passed through time. We have no choice but to continue with life in that form... even if you cannot accept yourself, even if you don't want to admit it, even if it gets heavy and you want to shake it off, even if you run around in circles, it will stick with and follow you."

Still attached firmly to the back of his beloved,

"...I forced myself, and I struggled, but all I did was hurt myself and others."

Banri slowly opened his eyes. And then,

"......"

He was speechless, as if the words had been sucked out of him.

<~~60% Completed~~>

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