On a Godless Planet:Volume3A Chapter 17
Chapter 17: Crude Buster[edit]
–A troublemaker and a rogue.
●
They had decided on the rules and topic of discussion for the meeting of the gods. So Balancer looked to everyone present.
<Allow me to sum that up for you.>
- Rules
- The meeting will be run by Mr. V.
- If Mr. V determines anyone to be acting unfairly, Kido will deal with them using Keravnos Melan.
- Whether or not Mr. V acted unfairly will be determined by vote after the meeting.
- Topic
- Identifying and punishing the god responsible for the flooding.
<That should cover it. Any thoughts?>
“Um, maybe I’m biased, but do I have to be Mr. V in everything?”
“Don’t be shy, Mr. V! This is your global debut!”
“I don’t like the sound of that ‘deal with’. Can we rephrase that?”
“The more accurate phrasing would be ‘pierce them with lightning’.”
“That’s even worse.”
“At this point, we might as well just come out and say ‘slaughter’.”
“Wait! Make it a word I can pronounce! In middle school, I pronounced it ‘slag-ter’ in class!”
“You know how to pronounce it now, so what’s the problem?”
“S-sorry, but imaging the official rules saying ‘Kido-san will slag-ter them’ made me laugh.”
“Slag-ter! Slag-ter! I’ll slag-ter you, you son of a bitch!”
“…”
“…Pff.”
Kido and Iwanaga were useless now.
And Bilgamesh raised a hand.
“In the earlier conversation, it sounded like we would be discussing whether or not we even needed a punishment. You should mention that.”
<Agreed. Here is a new version including your suggestions.>
- Rules
- The meeting will be run by Mr. Vomit.
- If Mr. Vomit determines anyone to be acting unfairly, Kido will slag-ter them using Keravnos Melan.
- Whether or not Mr. Vomit acted unfairly will be determined by vote after the meeting.
- Topic
- Identifying and, if necessary, punishing the god responsible for the flooding.
<Including other’s opinions isn’t easy, but I am a clever AI.>
“Hold on.”
“What’s wrong, Mr. Vomit! You’ve got your official name in there now!”
“Has Human-senpai ever referred to you as Neptune?”
“Please! Is there any god who can rewind time!?”
“So is Kido-san going to be slag-tering people?”
“This does make it sound less serious than other ways of putting it.”
“If it does come to that, I might be laughing too hard to aim well.”
“What would happen then?”
“We might be troubling Kanagawa or Saitama instead of Yamanashi?”
“Wait!? Does this mean Bilgamesh’s opinion was included!?”
“Don’t sound so disappointed.”
Everyone exchanged a look. And to sum it up…
“Okay, let’s get started!”
●
Demeter had decided she would be the first to speak.
So while watching the others take up positions in front of their clubrooms, she raised her hand first.
Neptune noticed.
“––––––”
But his gaze moved right on past her.
“Um, does anyone have anything to say?”
“Hey.”
“U-um, someone has to go first.”
“Heyyyyyyyyyyyy! I have my hand up!”
“Yes, but I have a bad feeling about this.”
“You aren’t a god of luck, are you? Then it’s just your imagination.”
“You really won’t do anything bad?”
“Boy, are you stubborn. Besides, you’re in charge here. Why would I do anything to antagonize you?”
“Hmm,” thought Neptune. But after a few breaths…
“Okay, Demeter, you can start.”
“Good. Then listen up.”
Demeter asked the question on her mind.
“Sea God Neptune, you caused this flooding, didn’t you?”
●
“H-how is that not antagonizing me!?”
“Aunt! Aunt! That was really impressive in a ‘bad role model’ kind of way!”
“Wasn’t it? Keep the praise coming.”
“I don’t think that was meant as praise.”
“I have to admit, that thought hadn’t occurred to me.”
●
Kido had a question.
“So should I slag-ter Mr. V and declare the meeting concluded?”
“Kido-san! Kido-san! I think you’re skipping like three steps to reach the slag-tering!”
“So if she doesn’t skip those steps, she’s free to slag-ter?”
Would I be? wondered Kido, so she asked.
“Is there a problem with me slag-tering him?”
“Yes. Before you slag-ter Mr. V, we first have to prove that he was responsible for the flooding.”
“Mr. V, stop causing so much trouble for Kido-senpai.”
“Is my life really worth so little?”
But what was she supposed to do now?
“Mr. V? Why did you cause this flooding?”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn’t cause it.”
“But there are cases where the guy in charge is the one who did it, right?”
“Yes, where the person who invited everyone is the killer. I have read a few mysteries like that, but I always wonder why they invited people over. Without that, they wouldn’t have been identified as the killer and the body wouldn’t have been found in the first place.”
“Maybe they just couldn’t help themselves?”
“Oh, yeah. Humans do love their thrills.”
“So it’s like when you’re staring at some big boobs and you wonder what’ll happen if she turns her head and notices!? But don’t worry! I always stare from head on!”
“Eh? Eh? Don’t…worry?”
“It takes some getting used to, but it’s a ritual of his faith.”
Izumi demonstrated his head-on staring with Douhai-san and a few level up Revelation Boards appeared.
“I…see.”
“Th-there, that’s settled! It’s a ritual of his faith! Nothing weird happening here!”
“Well, live sacrifices and bungee jumping can count as religious rituals too.”
“Does that mean Neptune caused the flooding for the same reason as the human’s large breasts worship?”
“No, no, no, no! Don’t make this any weirder than it already is!”
But really…
“Isn’t it up to Demeter to prove that Mr. V caused the flooding?”
●
I saw Demeter tilt her head.
“Prove it? Are you asking me to present evidence? Because I have it.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Neptune is a sea god, right? And he was originally a god of springs and other water sources, right?”
So…
“If we blame it on him, we can end this meeting and head home right now.”
“You’re not even trying to hide I’m a scapegoat!!”
“I thought you said you had evidence.”
“I gave it. His authority is the evidence.”
“Oh,” said one of the guard gods.
“I get it. His authority is like the murder weapon.”
“They’re still working to figure out how it was done right now, but it does seem certain that the god responsible had a similar authority to Mr. V.”
“So we do have enough evidence to suspect him?”
“Yes. My aunt’s intuition tends to get ahead of her words, but she is on the right track here.”
“Thank you for supporting me, Athena.”
“I do trust you, you know?”
“Yes, I do. Although I must admit I mostly just wanted to get back at Neptune after he pissed me off during that business at Okutama the other day.”
“Aunt! Aunt! You’re ruining it!”
“No, I am not. Honestly is a virtue. Never keeping anything hidden is a good way to avoid trouble. Don’t you agree, Norse harvest goddess?”
“Um, yeah. It seems that way.”
Shifu-san then turned my way.
“This is going to make it hard to know when to use Keravnos Melan.”
“Yes, because that impatient goddess had to tell us her true motives.”
“Because I am so virtuous.”
Past Demeter, Athena bent her hips in a 90-degree bow. Being Demeter’s relative couldn’t be easy.
Anyway, to continue from Demeter’s accusation…
“I am also a sea god with control over rivers, so I would be a suspect too.”
●
Douhai-san turned toward me.
“How are we supposed to suspect you, Kido-san!?”
“We need to be impartial about these things. So…”
“I’m a suspect too?”
Exactly.
“We are the only sea gods and water gods with enough control over water to cause flooding, right?”
“Should I call Salacia in from the academic affairs office?”
“Her authority is shared with you, correct? Then if she had done it, you would be able to tell with your authority.”
“What if I she did and I am covering for her?”
“Well.” I nodded. “I do not think that is possible.”
●
TJ raised her hand.
“On what basis?”
“What Demeter said before.”
“You mean how virtuous I am?”
No.
“Honesty is a virtue.”
“Oh,” said a scattering of voices.
“She did already cause trouble in Okutama, which was linked to Sumeragi-chan.”
“The Olympus gods and I were involved too, but it was Salacia herself who caused so much trouble as the water monster. Given the circumstances, it was all resolved with a discussion among ourselves, but if she then caused a flood like this and tried to hide it, we would have a hard time resolving it among ourselves.”
So…
“Mr. V. I trust you. Because I know you care for Salacia and because Izumi trusts you for his own reasons. So…”
“If Salacia did do something and I tried to hide it to protect her, there would be no forgiveness next time.”
Mr. V sighed and relaxed his shoulders.
“I discussed this with her. Do you understand why I wanted to call her here?”
“You wanted to prove her innocence to help eliminate any association we might have between her and the water monster, right?”
“More or less. Although it’s more the spirits than the gods who are still cautious around her.”
“You gave this some thought.”
“I had to.”
“True,” I agreed. And then I addressed the group.
“What other gods could cause this flooding?”
●
Raidou saw everyone stare at a certain god.
“Shinsei. You’re the perfect candidate.”
“Fairrrr enough.”
Shinsei nodded the way he always did. He crossed his arms, but he also tilted his head.
“But if IIII did it, I’d make sure eeeeverything was submerged.”
●
“He’s on another level altogether!”
“With his authority, or as an evil god?”
“Don’t worrrry. Even if you killll them all, they come baaaack soon enough.”
“That sounds like something an aquaculture worker would say.”
“Well, it is true humans will multiply like crazy when the conditions are right.”
●
“In that case,” I said, raising my hand.
“Can a creator god cause a flood?”
“If you can create a world, you’ll definitely have that much authority.”
“In that case,” I said again.
“Raise your hand if you’re a creator god!”
“That’s the wildest request I’ve ever heard.”
“H-how else am I supposed to put it!?”
But Yomoji-san and Touto-san raised their hands.
“Okay, so that’s two. What about…?”
“I’m our top god here in this divine world, which means our creator ones aren’t here. Our sea god and such aren’t here either.”
“In that sense, we are observers for this one.”
“That’s right,” agreed Kido-san. And…
“Then what about Irish mythology?”
“U-um, we…don’t have one.”
●
“You don’t have a creator god?”
Everyone responded to my question by looking in a certain direction.
At Kido-san.
“They must be the same as us. We skip right past the creation of the world.”
<That is a trait common to hunting and nomadic peoples, which the Celts originated from. With peoples like that, their myths aren’t as concerned with the creation of the world or anything related to the land. Instead, their gods are more associated with their everyday lives and the weather that can hinder their movements. In fact, most of the Continental Celtic gods are sky and star gods with no creator god. They also lack a mother earth goddess. But in Irish mythology’s case…>
“Hm? Is Irish mythology different?”
“Isn’t Dan-san Ireland’s mother earth goddess?”
Then Kido-san placed a finger on her chin.
She was thinking. After a pause, she opened a Revelation Board.
●
“Kuwajiri-san? I apologize for doing this text only. Do you know why I am doing this?”
“Your suspicions are correct. There’s nothing we can do about you figuring it out, so the decision is yours.”
“I am glad to see Balancer is being so strict about it.”
●
Kuwajiri saw Kido immediately close the Revelation Board.
Kido took a look around and…
“Sorry. I was checking something about the Celtic gods. Balancer is correct about Celtic mythology lacking a mother earth goddess.”
Kuwajiri was relieved to hear this.
…That gave me a fright.
This was what Shifu had set up earlier. It was still in effect. Kuwajiri had honestly forgotten about Kido’s presence – or rather, her mythological position. Kido was the closest to what they had set up.
So close, in fact, she probably assumed she understood everything. But Kido had picked up on what they were doing. So…
…This will work.
Now their setup was safe until it could be used.
●
Something seemed off to Demeter.
The way Echidna had opened a Revelation Board just then seemed unnatural. So…
“Hey, Echidna.”
“What do you want?”
“What was with that Revelation Board?”
“Hm? I was only searching for mythological information on the Celtic gods. To see if my view was accurate.”
“Not what I meant,” said Demeter. “You aren’t the type to open a Revelation Board here. You’re the type to use Keravnos Melan without a second thought. You do not confirm your thoughts during a debate.”
“Now wait just a moment.”
“Why should I?”
What could Shinto, a mythology without even a definite generation, want here? But if she wanted to say something, Demeter had to listen. Because…
“I just say whatever I want. So you can do the same.”
“Wait! Shinto Representative! Do not just say whatever you want! Well, under normal circumstances you can, but my aunt will retaliate if you do it with her!”
“Of course I do, Athena. I have a right to retaliate. So shut up.”
“Umm…”
“Douhai-san? I’m here, so you don’t have to worry.”
“Heyyyyy! That’s cheating!”
“Hooray! Take that, you busty goddess!!”
“That’s not really an insult, is it?”
“Of course not! Bustiness is morally good!”
Demeter looked to the Norse knowledge god. The human did the same.
“Kuwajiri…”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
“You mean you’re going to confess it yourself?”
“I said you don’t have to say anything.”
Glad I’m not her, thought Demeter. But…
“Hey, Busty Shinto, what did you want to say?”
“Well, it’s about Kido-san. She left your group to join ours, so she’ll have to do her research during discussions differently from before.”
“Research? What are you talking about?”
“For example,” she replied. “Whether or not the god we’re discussing has big boobs.”
●
“…”
“Isn’t that right, Kido-san!? Because that question matters a lot to Sumeragi-kun’s faith!”
“…”
“Eh!? Really, Kido-senpai!? I’m so grateful you’ll go to such lengths for me!”
“Of course I will. I am your mother, after all.”
●
“…”
“Kuwajiri-chaaan? Don’t just type an ellipsis into a divine transmission.”
“Eh? O-oh! Sorry! But, um, uh…”
“Did you have something to say?”
“I was hoping you could join me when I go to apologize later on.”
“I really don’t think Kido-chan minds.”
“Maybe not. But also…”
“Is there something else?”
“I nearly died several times there. I’m not cut out for this kind of scheming.”
●
“Anyway,” said Kido, turning toward Dan. “Since Irish mythology has no creator god, that means it has no creation story, correct?”
“Excuse me…”
I turned toward Douhai-san who had raised her hand a little.
“Can a major Celtic mythology really not have a creator god or a creation story?”
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