Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter1 (section)

===Part 3===

Ineli giggled, and taking Orba's hand, crossed it around her surprisingly slender arms.
:*I can't quite picture crossing a hand around someone's arms.  Maybe that's just me though.
::*Changed to "wrapped it around her arms"

They conferred the financially well off Baton as leader, and often hung out in 'groups' around these parts. 
:*"conferred ... Baton as leader" doesn't quite fit together .  If keeping the word 'conferred' then I think it should be something like "conferred ... Baton the status of leader" so that the thing being conferred is a noun.  Though you could come up with other alternatives if you changed other things. 
::*Will be changed as mentioned.

In the few years from the time Oubary had down his village until he was made to become a gladiator,
:*I think it's missing a word in "Oubary had down", or would otherwise need to be changed.
::*should be "had burned down." Guess I thought I typed it but actually didn't. 

"I don't care if he's alive, the gun, slice his whole arm off!"  <!--Not sure how to word it. "Slice his whole hand off along with the gun!" might be a better alternative-->
:*From the surrounding context, I thought "I don't care as long as he's alive" would be better for the first part, but that's pretty much opposite of the current meaning.
::*No, you're actually right. I had misinterpreted the contraction ありゃ for あれは, when it was in fact あれば. I also reworded to sentence to better reflect the speech. Changed to "Long as he's alive, I don't give a damn! The gun, slice his whole arm off!"

Twice, thrice he repelled the puring onslaught of daggers.
:*I assume "puring" was meant to be "pouring", but I thought I'd double check instead of changing it myself.
::*Right, it should be pouring.

A colour of surprise and impatience suspended on the dirt-covered mens' faces.
:*I think "suspended" should be changed to something like "showed", "hung", or "appeared", depending on the intended meaning/style.  Also, "colour of suprise" seems like a bit unusual word choice, but I suspect it might have been choosen to match the original.
::*Yep, it's according to how it was used in the raws. It's unusual, I agree, but not incomprehensible, so I kept it as is. Changed 'suspended' to 'hung'.

and with the dagger in his back, stabbed the man in the chest with his left.
:*Suggested change of "in his back" to "on his back" (or "strapped to his back").  "In" makes it sound a little like he had been stabbed.
::*Will changed to "strapped to his back"

The matter regarding the aforementioned 'Raira' weighed on Orba's mind.
:*I'm guessing the spelling was changed to reflect that the original used a different way of representing her name than the usual Layla.  I can't speak to the issue of it as a translation, but the switch from L to R is a little jarring (I know they're often interchanged).  I would propose that the single quotes (an the i instead of y if kept) would represent the difference in the original well enough, and that R could be changed to L.
::*This is a mistake on my part. It should be Layla, but it seems I missed one of them.

He indeed spoke in a refined demeanour, and yet gentle tone notwithstanding the piercing glint in his eyes.
:*The second part is currently a fragment and needs a verb.  A possible revision would be "..., and yet, gentle tone notwithstanding, his eyes held a piercing glint."
::*It's better off as a single sentence. "He indeed spoke with a refined demeanour and yet gentle tone, notwithstanding the piercing glint in his eyes."

Orba began pondering, if he should falter at least once as the prince, when his thoughts were cut short.
:*Not sure what the middle part, "if he should falter at least once as the prince", means in this context.
::*It should mean "As one in the prince's shoes, would the prince have faltered from this or not?" Internal debate over how he should best proceed to act as Gil.

Or so Baton said, but it was obvious to everyone that even now, his face paled, he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in.
:*The "even now, his face paled" breaks up the sentence a bit.  I would suggest "obvious to everyone that, with his pale face, he was terried of"
::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.
:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..."  What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him).  What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence.  This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."
:::*Hmm, I see. Usually I would put something like "his face paled, as he lay terrified" or "as he stood terrified" but neither fits in the context so I omitted it. In this case, splitting it in two sentences would be better than altering the structure. Changed to "Or so Baton said, but even now, his face paled. It was obvious to everyone he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in."
::::*I like your split sentence solution.

*There are two uses of "approached closer".  I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.
::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time. *Fixed and substituted the appropriate nouns.