Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai:Volume 1 The Delinquent Samurai Returns to His Mother School

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The Delinquent Samurai Returns to His Mother School

[TL Note: Before you read this chapter, note that this chapter can be very offensive as it contains descriptions about rape. There is a very good reason why this chapter is not in the manga. In any case, before you go on, you should read up on what is Cell phone novels. By the way, if you have read Ore no Imouto ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai light novel (not the anime), this is the kind of things Kirino writes.]

 

“I am going to write the script for a play. All of you keep it down.”

Yozora entered the club room while saying so and took out a stack of grid players.

I, Yozora, Sena, and Yukimura were gathered in the room.

…Yesterday she declared that acting will be a periodic exercise for the Neighbors Club. She wasn’t kidding…

“Yesterday’s Momotarou contained certain attributes that made it flawed. I am humble enough to admit this and reflect on my miscalculations.”

“Huh…”

“I didn’t know you could actually say sensible things like that.”

 Sena and I were pleasantly surprised.

“Yeah. It’s boring to adapt an existing story. So this time the story will be completely original.”

“You only reflected on that?!”

I scolded.

“…And by completely original, you mean you would be writing it?”

Sena questioned.

“Fu, don’t worry. My perfect story will be the pinnacle of blockbuster entertainment.”

Yesterday’s Momotarou incident certainly did not inspire confidence.

“So basically, what can we expect from this story of yours?”

“Fu, I was planning to show it to you after it was finished, but I will make an exception this time and share a little bit with you.”

The insincerity in her tones made me think she was going to tell us regardless.

“First of all the main character is a high school girl. A blonde Ojou-sama. Someone who is always surrounded by boys who idolize her.”

“…”

Sena looked like she wanted to say something, but she listened on.

“One day our main character befriended another girl. They became very close friends.”

“Hehe.”

Sena seemed a bit happy.

“But the truth is that the main character has stolen the girl’s boyfriend and the girl seeks revenge. She first gets close to the main character to lower her guard. Finally one night she called the main character to a park and our foolish main character fell for this. While the main character waited in the park, she was assaulted by the girl’s 10+ male friends. They gangbanged her and she became pregnant!”

“Wait a second!!!!”

Sena exclaimed.

“What’s with this horrible story! What kind of blockbuster is this?”

“An unlikable woman getting treated harshly; the audience is going to love it. I bet if this story was on screen, the audience would give a standing ovation.”

“How bad would the audience have to be in order to applaud that kind of story!”

“Well, you are right that what we currently have is not sufficient. This is only the prologue. And then the main character got a new boyfriend, but then the boyfriend got into a car accident and passed away. And then she finally met a true friend who was not pretentious, but that person too passed away due to illness. And then that bitch from the prologue got some dudes to rape her again. At the end the main character got involved in a crime scene and was killed by a stray bullet. As she pitifully collapsed onto the ground and awaited her inescapable death, all she could think of was how much angst she had towards the events in her life.”

“Isn’t that even worse?!”

Yozora looked at Sena, who looked absolutely furious, with polite puzzlement.

“…Hmm, then how about this? When the main character is about to die, she thinks ‘My life is one of maggots. If I can be reincarnated, I don’t want to be a vulgar blonde with big breasts; I want to be a slender black hair girl…’ and then she quietly passes away…”

“Why do I have to regret my life and want to reincarnate into someone like you!”

“…Fu, I didn’t have any particular person in mind when I designed the character, but now that you mentioned it, you are the most suitable person for the role, Meat. Good job Meat, you are the main character.”

“What’s so good about that!”

Sena tearfully yelled.

“…Hey, don’t tell me my character’s going to be…”

“The bitch’s friend; the thug who raped the main character.”

“That’s what I figured!”

I yelled at Yozora’s instant reply.

“You have a lot of screen time. Again and again you get to rape Meat… I mean the main character. Kodaka, you will have to play the part of 50 men.”

“That’s amazing, Aniki. This is an important character. Aniki can even play a tree effortlessly; there is no better choice for this position than Aniki.”

Yukimura complimented me in the strangest way.

“This script is rejected. REJECTED!”

Sena declared, with me nodding furiously.

Yozora unhappily replied,

“This kind of plot is very popular with modern day high school girls… backwards people who are out of fashion are so pathetic…”

“Putting the question of whether this is truly popular or not aside, we are not acting in front of other people. We don’t have to consider whether this is popular or not.”

“…Fu, that makes sense. Frankly I don’t want to write about some dumb blonde girl anyway.”

“Uguu…”

Sena stared angrily at Yozora.

“In any case, we can’t let you write the screenplay by yourself! You need to take our suggestions into consideration as well, you hear me?!”

“Fu… I even have to be considerate of willful actors huh, it’s tough being a producer…”

Yozora sighed and said.

It looked to me like she had completely forgotten who she was. She really did think she was the producer.

“Yeah sure I will consider your opinion as well. What kind of story do you guys want?”

Sena immediately answered,

“A story about me becoming very good friends with many girls.”

“Why does the premise have to be Meat being the main character, you self-important fool. But friendship as the theme, huh, that’s not a bad suggestion… Kodaka and Yukimura?”

“I do think a story of samurai is most suitable.”

“Samurai……?”

Yozora looked troubled.

“…As for me… how about fighting against some sort of monster…?”

“So Momotarou then?”

“No. Although Momotarou matches this description, I personally want something a bit modern. Like using ESP to fight, or something. A light novel kind of story.”

“Kodaka, you’re a delinquent, yet you read novels?”

Sena asked, surprised.

“It takes longer to finish a novel than a manga. Reading light novels slowly is a good way to spend time leisurely.”

“In other words a lonely man’s essential everyday item.”

“Don’t put it in such an irritating way. It's rude to the authors and the readers.”

Again my complaint met a brick wall. Ah, I forgot to contest about her calling me a delinquent.

“Anego, in addition to samurai, a story about a delinquent should be good as well.”

Yukimura expressed his opinion again.

“I do think that it would be splendid to have a delinquent main character as cool as Aniki.”

“When you put it that way this does sound nice!”

“Fu… samurai… ESP… and a delinquent.”

Yozora, looking serious, jotted some notes down.

 

“[The Main Character]”

“A delinquent who, like a samurai, wields a katana. He has a Regent hair style. He can use ESP.”

 

“What kind of main character is this?!”

“This is a combination of what you people asked for.”

Yozora answered impassively.

“Then where is my suggestion?!”

“Aah, that’s right.”

Yozora added the following line to her notepad.

 

“[The Main Character]”

“A delinquent who, like a samurai, wields a katana. He has a Regent hair style. He can use ESP. His name is Meat Zaemon.”

 

“Who is Meat Zaemon?!”

“The name ‘Meat’ with a bit of Samurai-style twist.”

“My name is not Meat it’s Sena!”

“Since we have decided on the main character let’s move on to the plot.”

As expected, Yozora ignored Sena’s complaint.

“I read up a bit on story writing before this. It seems that the structure of a story can be divided into a ‘dramatic structure’, or as well call it the ‘johakyuu’. [1] Like the human skeleton structure this is paramount to the story. If you don’t have much action, and only have the characters wasting the time away by chatting needlessly, then the story is bad.” [TL: Is this what you guys do all the time?]

“Well it depends on the skill of the author as well. If he is skillful even an uneventful story can become interesting. But generally this is very difficult to pull off. As newcomers we should stay true to the basics.”

“That’s right. So let’s begin with the introduction part.”

As Yozora spoke, I started thinking.

“…It’s a bit cliché, but how about a plot of a boy saving the girl?”

In any case I shared my thought.

“Kodaka, I thought you wanted to have a story about people fighting against monsters with ESP?”

Sena asked.

“It doesn’t have to be that…”

“Then how about saving a woman from a monster’s attack? Good. The introduction can look like this.”

As Yozora spoke she wrote down the summary for the plot.

 

[Summary: Introduction]

As the woman was being raped by a monster in school, the main character Meat Zaemon saved her.

 

“Why is the girl getting raped by a monster?!”

“A heroine getting raped by a monster; isn’t this the basis of entertainment?”

“What sort of narrow genre is this?! And that girl is the main heroine?!”

“The epic story begins by having the main character saving the heroine. This is classic.”

Sena, looking unconvinced, said.

“What you said is true… but wouldn’t people gossip about the fact that the main heroine is not a virgin?”

“I don’t understand your narrow view of the world.”

…I didn’t know what Sena and Yozora were talking about.

“What should we do about the setting of the main heroine?”

“I think we should go with the traditional heroine character with long black hair.”

Sena immediately answered my question.

“Long black hair… you mean someone like me?”

Unexpectedly, Yozora replied contently.

Sena scolded at her and continued,

“Only the hair style is similar. Her personality will be kind, responsible, empathic, yet mentally strong. She is a bit myopic so she needs glasses. Cat ears. And finally she is the descendant of an angel.”

“No such human exists.”

“It’s fine. The heroine is made up anyway.”

“…Fu. It’s too much work to keep track of all the little details. Okay then how about…”

As Yozora prepared to write down the setting for the main heroine,

“I believe the main heroine should be a delinquent as well. Someone who matches Aniki’s status, a female version.”

Yukimura expressed his puzzling opinion.

“Okay. I will add that in as well.”

 

 

“[Heroine]”

“Long black hair. Glasses. Cat ears. A secret descendent of an angel. As the leader of a delinquent gang, she is very responsible and caring towards her underlings. She has everyone’s admiration.”

 

“Why are we adding ‘delinquent gang’ to her setting!?”

“? I don’t think this is out of place. In fact I am a bit envious.”

“I wanted the caring class leader who takes care of her fellow classmates, not a delinquent gang.”

So anyway, we decided on the heroine’s setting.

“Next one up is the rising action. For this, after learning the heroine’s secret, their relation quickly becomes intimate. Also we need to prepare a scene foreshadowing the events in the climax.”

“True.”

Sena nodded. Yozora made some more notes on her pad.

 

[Summary: Rising Action]

“Firstly, Meat Zaemon raped the main heroine.  Then they quickly become intimate. Finally, he learnt of her secret.

 

“Why did the main character rape the heroine?!”

Sena and I yelled at the top of our lungs. Yozora, looking slightly red, answered,

“…Now that I think about it, I’m not familiar with the steps to becoming intimate with others. Also according to my writing guides, they suggested that ‘if all else fails, just throw in some rape scenes and hope for the best.’”

“Where in the world would you find a heroine that if you rape her, she becomes closer to you… ahh… wait a second.”

Sena seemed to recall a game that matched that description (probably an eroge). She became quiet.

“Good. Next up we have the climax. This stage is where something unexpected happens.” “Unexpected huh… this is tough.”

I couldn’t think of anything good.

“No matter how I consider it, I still think the plot ‘the main character stole the girl’s lover and she seeks revenge’ is the best.”

“Anything but that!”

Sena angrily stared at Yozora, who looked very serious when she said that.

“…The heroine called the main character to the park at midnight. Suddenly a bunch of guys showed up and raped him.”

“You even have the main character raped?! How much do you like rape!”

Sena screeched.

“…But having the heroine backstab the main character is a really unexpected turn of events. How about this: although she lied to the main character, in truth she was forced to by a hidden antagonist.”

“…Kodaka that’s a pretty impressive idea.”

Sena said with slight remorse.

“Aniki you are indeed great. You are indeed the underground evil overlord who controls this school from the shadows.”

“…No, I am not an evil overlord.”

“Then, we will settle on this.”

 

“[Summary: Climax]”

“The main character’s intimate heroine betrayed him so he raped her again. Now the hidden is revealed.”

 

“ I asked before but, why are you so fixated on having rape scenes everywhere?!”

“This is for entertainment plus fan service purposes.”

“Rape is not fan service! Solving mysteries, defeating the secret overlord, and reaching the Good End are what we really need!”

“…Hm. Well I suppose we can redo this.”

Yozora unhappily modified what she wrote;

 

“[Summary: Climax]”

“The heroine, who was close to the main character, betrayed him. As he interrogates her, he realizes the existence of a hidden antagonist.”

 

“…Then we are finally at the end. The best finishing would be that they defeat the boss and live happily ever after.”

“Yeah that’s right.”

I supported Sena’s suggestion.

“The problem is what setting the boss should have. He must be someone very annoying and, when defeated, the audience should cheer in glee.”

As Yozora talked out loud she scribbled down the setting for the boss.

 

“[The Final Boss]” “Blonde, an Ojou-sama from an upstart family. Always surrounded by guys. Her motto is ‘I Got Lots of Money!’

 

“That’s not me! No I never say things like ‘I got lots of money!’ I have to say the final boss should be someone who has ‘long black hair, nasty looking eyes and a shitty personality.’”

“The heroine already has the long black hair attribute. Rejected.”

…I guess the setting for the boss was set in stone.

“Good. Now that we have nailed the plot summary and the characters, all that’s left is to write a script based on them. This should be quick and pleasant.”

Yozora declared happily.

 

…By the way.

About the summary and the character settings, in Yozora’s words, “After I got home I settled down and read through them again and I realized it won’t work.” With such a surprisingly honest reason, she rejected them. So we didn’t actually write anything in the end.

I was just grateful that we didn’t have to act out that nonsensical story.


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