Kara no Kyoukai:Chapter05 03

/3 Paradox Spiral

Close to a week has passed since I started staying in Ryougi's room.

With both me and Ryougi going out during the day, a strange state of affairs continues where we only see each other when we go to sleep at night. Even so it was inconvenient not knowing each other's names after a week or so had passed, so we told each other our names.

Her name is Ryougi Shiki. Surprisingly enough she really is a high school student. I don't know anything more than that.

Ryougi calls me Enjou. Maybe because of that, I call Ryougi Shiki by the name of Ryougi. Ryougi herself dislikes being called by her family name, but I can't bring myself to call her Shiki.

The reason is simple. Quite simply, I don't have that strong a resolve. I don't want to become friendlier than necessary with someone I will one day part from forever. If I come to call her Shiki, it will definitely become more difficult to leave this girl. I thought that such a relationship would only be a hindrance to someone like me, who might be caught at any time by the police.

* * *

"Enjou, don't you have a girl?"

On a night no different from any other, sitting on the bed with the gabuza (!) on, Ryougi threw an unexpected question at me without any warning.

Ryougi's questions, they always begin abruptly like this.

"A girl... Well, if I had one I wouldn't come rolling into a place like this."

"Oh. You look like you would be popular."

"Hearing such an empty compliment doesn't make me happy at all. I'm sick of girls anyway."

"--- Oho, how come?"

Ryougi must have felt some interest in the story as she pushed her head out towards me rolling around on the floor. From my position lying right beside the bed it looks like only the head is popping out and it's somehow cute.

"Are you gay?"

... What I said before, forget it. That this brat could be cute, I must have briefly been out of mind.

"There's no particular reason. To put it simply, it was just annoying. I tried dating for real, and it wasn't very fun."

I never really liked those of the opposite sex. There was a time in high school when I went out with a girl for 3 months, but that isn't a sweet memory and I think all we did was fight a lot.

Before I knew it I was haltingly telling her about my recollections.

"It wasn't that I wanted very much. But she wanted too much from me. At first I thought 'well I guess that's how it goes' and I put up with it."

Yeah. I bought her anything she wanted and if she wanted to be fancy I paid for it. Probably, there wasn't an instance when I couldn't meet her high expectations.

She was happy every time, but on the other hand I was cooling off towards her. Sex wasn't as great as everyone thought either.

... It felt like Ryougi was listening properly to my soliloquy.

"After a while I started getting sick of her. It's not just the surrounding environment. Time, money, even emotions, it felt like a waste to give them to her. I did kind of like her, but satisfying your sexual appetite is something you can do alone (!)
--- If I was a normal student, I would have had too much time on my hands. But I didn't have any free time. The more time I spent with her the less sleep I got. For someone like me, without even a minute to spare, something like a girlfriend was an impossibility from the start."

However I didn't try to break up.

She looked happy, and I didn't want to put her in tears by issuing an absolute statement like 'let's break up'. ... I didn't want to inflict any wounds, and I didn't like receiving a wound either.

"But you still broke up. How did you dump her?"

"You know, you should stop treating me like the bad guy. I was the one that got dumped. She told me suddenly after we did everything to do at a hotel. That 'you never looked at me. You just looked at my body and never saw my mind'. Honestly, saying it was a bit of a shock."

As I told the story's conclusion with a shrug, Ryougi rudely burst into laughter.

"Amazing, you don't look at my mind! Haha, you got caught by some fussy woman, didn't ya Enjou!"

The springs in the bed creak in protest. This brat, she's rolling around on top of the bed laughing.

"What, was there something strange about my story? It's my bitter memories of youth you know."

I get angry and bolt upright. Ryougi then stopped laughing and stared at me.

"It's weird. The only thing humans can see is the outward appearance. But that girl said that you only looked at the body that she thought was insignificant, to say that you don't like someone because they can't see something invisible like the mind, that kind of girl isn't normal. Not being normal means you are abnormal. See, it's funny. That girl, if she wanted you to see her mind she could have written a letter. Enjoh, you did well to break up with that girl."

Coldly making fun of me, Ryougi lay back on the bed.

Like a cat she stared at me blankly from that position, then Ryougi opened her mouth as if it was difficult for her to say what followed.

"... Well, it's not something for me to say, but. If you speak out loud about an uneasiness that 'cannot be seen' it becomes a lie. I can't know myself but love is believing in something. The blindness of love, isn't that its meaning?"

It's something I heard from someone else though, Ryougi added and fell asleep.

Ending the conversation as usual in an abrupt manner like splitting bamboo, I also went to bed with a troubled mind.

Turning off the light, I thought as I fell into sleep. I'm a complete dunderhead when it comes to those people that I have feelings for called 'women' but, I think that if it was this girl, there wouldn't be any such unilateral demands. No, if it was Ryougi, wouldn't I be able to take even such annoying things with a smile on my face?

* * *

A night of the second week.

When I opened the door with my key and went inside Ryougi was already asleep. ... As if she thinks of me as some sort of cat she doesn't show any signs of waking up even when she hears me rambling around.

But today that's fortunate.

Hiding my pummeled cheek, I plonk myself down on the floor.

Ticktickticktick.

The bedside clock goes around. Both the hands are pointing to the 12.

... For some reason, I hate clock faces. Digital displays are my preference. A feeling comes to me that there's no place for me inside the spinning clock and I get afraid.

"Ow."

My bruised leg suddenly throbbed with pain and I screamed before I could stop myself.

Ryougi is sleeping like the dead. There's no signs that she will wake up.

That profile of her face, I unthinkingly stared at it.

--- In the two weeks that we've lived together, I've come to know only one thing.

This girl, really is a doll.

She's always asleep on the bed like a corpse. This girl doesn't wake up in the morning; instead she is resurrected from death to life when she has something to do.

At first I thought it was to go to school, but I don't think that's the reason. Because whenever she receives a phone call from somewhere, Ryougi regains her vitality.

It goes without saying that I sense that the subject matter of those calls is suspicious.

However, Ryougi is waiting for that. In its absence, this girl remains here like some doll.

Ticktickticktick.

That image was too beautiful. There was nothing as inconsequential as sadness. Ryougi delights only in the things she must do and comes back to life.

This is perfection without fault. For the first time, I met the 'genuine item' that I had concluded I would never see. That which I had believed was like that. That which I wanted to be. That pure strength, which took no notice of what others did as long as you had yourself.

"--- Shiki."

From my mouth, Ryougi's name leaked out.

Quieter than a whisper, an utterance that was like an expelled breath.

But Ryougi's eyes snapped wide open.

"--- What the, you're bruised all over again?"

As soon as she opened her eyes, Ryougi wrinkled her brow.

"I couldn't help it. The other side kept provoking me for no reason."

I tell her how it happened. While coming back today, I got tangled up with two people I didn't know and we beat each other up. Of course I laid them out, but I'm also unskilled at fighting and get a lot of wounds.

"You did something, didn't you? To be so weak even with just two people. Do you like being hit?"

Ryougi says as she sits up on the bed.

You did something, does that mean something like martial arts or judo?

"Don't draw any unquantified conclusions. I don't know anything about martial arts. Although if it's just fighting, I can do it as well as the next guy."

"Oh? I definitely thought you would, since you used your palm when fighting. --- Then how did you know to use the palm of your hand?"

Ah, I should have guessed. Now that I think about it, I was once congratulated about that. When hitting someone, a person who hasn't trained his fist will just hurt his hand, and after a few hits their own bones get damaged. So it's better for half-baked amateurs like me to use our palms to hit with. No, there are martial arts where the palm is more effective and is used instead.

Of course, I don't know anything like that.

"Your palm is harder. Doesn't everyone use their palms to crush cans? There probably aren't many who would do it with their fists."

"That's because it's easier with the palm of you hand."

Although Ryougi replied coldly, it seemed like she was admiring me in truth.

She cautiously looks at my face. Getting embarrassed by her scrutiny, I struggled and kept talking.

"So what did you do, Ryougi? Some Aikido?"

"Aikido is just for fun. There's only one thing I've done since I was young."

"Since you were young, eh. I thought you were strong. It was you who let loose a high kick at the back of a fleeing opponent's head. I thought how you acted was different. It was because of that. So do you have anything like a finishing move?"

I ask the lamest questions. But Ryougi goes mmm, and falls into serious thought.

"I suppose I have something along those lines. I train by taking down everything using that as my premise, so if you call it a finishing move, it is one. But we aren't of that school. And it's originally a self-created style as well."(This part could be reworked).

The thing you train is your mindset, Ryougi adds.

"You remake your body. From your breathing to the placement of your feet, awareness, thoughts, to be able to remake all of them for combat. Even the way of using your muscles changes, so it might feel like you become a different person.
I suppose tensing your body and mind as a fight starts, and while you are fighting, is the foundation of all martial arts. However, we followed only that too much, and as a result our path went too far."

In response to this dialogue that seemed to scorn oneself, I couldn't do anything but cock my head.

"What, if you are strong then that's that. There wont be any instances where you go around getting bashed up like me. And you finished off those three guys in an instant. That'ss an incredible self-created style right there."

When I spoke, remembering that refreshing instant of when I met this girl, Ryougi seems a bit surprised.

"That's different. I only copied what I had seen. More than that, there's never been an instance where I've used our house's school of fighting."

She nonchalantly spat out that frightening statement, then Ryougi collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep.

* * *

... Steam is rising from somewhere.

Sheek, sheek, and a noise that seems like something from a picture book can be heard.

There's no light, and the room is dark.

This place... is hot.

Only the sound of the burning iron plate and that magma-like light were my unique supports.

On the walls around me, huge bottles are lined up neatly.

There are long, thin cords scattered all over the floor.

There's no one.

Only the sound of steam, and the noise of the water boiling. .............................. It was night, and I suddenly opened my eyes.

Because, I had a bad dream.

Ticktickticktick.

The clock said it was still 3 AM, dawn; there was still a while to go before it was time to wake up.

When I turned to look at the bed, Ryougi wasn't there. ... As it so happens, that girl occasionally takes walks at night. Even so, to go and wander about at dawn when even the vegetation is asleep...

Should I go out and greet her? --- Although I knew that not getting involved in each other's private lives under any circumstances was an unspoken condition for using this place as an abode, I had that thought.

I hesitated for a while then thought, fine, and got straight up.

No matter how strong she is, it doesn't change the fact that Ryougi is a girl of the same age as me. On top of that, her appearance is more than enough for those idiots who go around in packs at night to fall for her.

Just when I made up my mind and went out into the corridor, the front door opened noiselessly to admit the girl in her normal attire of a red jacket over a kimono.

As expected, Ryougi closes the door without making a sound.

"What, you've come back?"

I felt like I had taken a blow for some reason, and that remark popped out of my mouth.

A glance, and Ryougi turned to look at me ---.

At that instant, I thought that I was going to be killed.

The lights are off and the corridor is dark. In that darkness, only Ryougi's eyes are shining with a blue light.

I can't do anything. Can't breath, can't think properly, I can only stand there like a post.

"--- you too, won't do."

I heard a noise. When I regained my wits, Ryougi had breezed past me and angrily thrown her leather jacket on the bed as if she was in a temper.

Ryougi sat down on the bed, then leaned back on the wall to stare at the ceiling.

Withstanding the chill that still ran down my back, I came back into the room, and sat down on the floor.

A period of silence passes that makes me wonder if we won't drift off to sleep.

Suddenly, the girl started talking.

"I... went out to kill a person."

Those words, how am I supposed to respond to them? All I could do was go, oh is that so?, and nod.

"But it was all for nothing. Since I couldn't find anyone I wanted to kill today either. A moment ago, when you were in the corridor, I thought I might be satisfied if it was you, but as expected it wasn't to be. Even if I did it, there's no meaning to it."

"... I thought I was totally dead."

I speak honestly, and Ryougi replies, that's why it wouldn't work.

"I want to feel that I'm alive. But there's no meaning to just killing people. I am wandering around at night without even an objective. That's no different from being a ghost. Someday --- I will meaninglessly kill someone."

It may seem like Ryougi is speaking to Enjou Tomoe, but in fact she isn't talking to anyone. ... She's as blank as a drug addict suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

The sort of thing had never happened until now. The Ryougi from around that time when I first met her may have wandered about at night, but there had never been an instance when she returned with such murderous intent.

"Oi, what's wrong with you, Ryougi? It's unlike you. Wake up!"

Funnily enough --- I was grabbing onto her shoulder, which I hadn't even brushed against before.

I can't believe it. That this, the shoulder of the girl who seemed so detached... was so, slender.

"... My mind's fine. I had this kind of feeling during summer too. At that time as well ---."

As if she remembered something unpleasant, Ryougi stopped talking.

I take my hand off Ryougi and come down from the bed.

Ryougi gives up leaning on the wall and lies back on the bed.

"Hey, Ryougi."

I try calling her name, but there's no response. That brat said it before. That the mind is something that cannot be seen. Therefore, a problem that is invisible is something that must never be confessed to another person.

That's right --- Ryougi is a loner.

I am also like that, but I at least have a few friends that I meet casually for a change of mood.

That's me, but this girl probably doesn't have any such person. Since this girl, who is perfect even in the smallest details unlike me, doesn't have the need for something like that.

"--- Hey, Ryougi. Do you have any friends?"

I tried not to look at the girl's face and asked the question with my back facing the bed. Ryougi thought briefly, and then replied, I have one.

"What? You have one? You? A friend?"

In complete opposition to the surprised me, Ryougi calmly said, yes, and nodded.

"In that case, the story's simple. When you feel down, it doesn't matter if it's pointless, just try hanging out with them. Just changing the scenery will ease your mind. Forgetting things like your problems and talking about insignificant things will make you feel better."

"--- I don't have one right now. That creep's gone far away."

I became unable to say anything at her words. Because Ryougi's voice sounded so lonely.

Maybe that was just my opinion, as Ryougi started to slam the bed with her fists as she worked herself up into a rage.

"That creep just does freely does whatever on a whim! Coming over to our house whenever the fancy strikes and giving me nothing but a phone number. Getting sick for a month in summer, too -- Why do I have to be anxious about a creep like that?!"

Phwock, phwock, there were some violent sounds.

This time I really can't trust my eyes.

The indomitable Ryougi is waving her arms and legs around on the bed and throwing a tantrum.

No, the reality might not be something so simple. She could be stabbing the pillow with her knife. Whatever it was, the sound is changing from a whacking noise to a ripping noise.

I was afraid to check out the situation, so I didn't turn around to look at Ryougi.

She continued to cause a commotion for a time, then Ryougi went quiet.

In any case, I envy that friend or whatever who can drive Ryougi so crazy.

I found I wanted to know more about that person.

"Hey, Ryougi."

"---."

As if she's still upset, Ryougi doesn't answer. I ignore the silence and continue.

"That person you said is a friend. What's your relationship with them? A friend from high school?"

"--- Yeah, he's a high school friend, but he's like a poet."

What's 'like a poet'? If their age is similar, if he's a guy or a girl, I decide to leave for another day. There's not much point to me knowing anyhow.

"Okay, so your wandering around at night, is that person the cause?"

Ryougi thinks briefly.

"Nah. Walking at night is my hobby, and my murder impulse is mine alone. No one else is involved. The problem is mine, so I know what kind of state I'm in right now. ... Hmm, in short, I'm so unbalanced right now that I make even you feel uneasy around me."

Ryougi speaks serenely, as if describing someone else's affairs.

"Uneasy --- I'm not particularly uneasy."

"When you told me that you felt like you were going to be murdered by me?"

A pretty voice comes flying at my throat.

... A feeling like a cold snake coiling itself around my neck comes to me. Very briefly, I questioned if the thing rolling around behind me was really human.

"See, you thought that again now as well. But that's a misplaced uneasiness. The reason I kill is because I can't feel that I'm alive. You can't be a target."

... What does that mean? Is Ryougi saying that even if she kills me --- Enjou Tomoe, she won't enjoy it?

"But --- okay. You still need to find another place to stay, Enjou. I only can't feel that I'm alive --- but Ryougi Shiki definitely likes to kill."

Abruptly, Ryougi murmurs that, as if confessing something.

The subdued tone of her voice. That voice that seems about to break, as if laying bare the troubles of her heart. ... Damn it. A woman who is already far away seems even further off.

With that, I realized. That as much as I feared this girl --- no, I was even more strongly attracted to her.

"--- Idiot, where in the world is that kind of thing?"

At any rate, I continue the conversation because I want to refute Ryougi's words.

"All it is is that your heart's uneasy. Quickly call in that friend or whatever of yours and let out everything, even if you don't feel like it. Friends are there for that reason; if you don't you drift far off from each other ---."

Pouring out everything in my heart up to that point I cut off my words. In the same way as Ryougi did before, swept up by my emotions, I talked as I liked and only realized after the fact that I did something wrong.

"--- That's all I'm trying to say. Good night."

I spat out those words as if chewing bugs, and lay down to sleep.

Ryougi said something, but I ignore and decide to sleep.

Tonight, I'm not confident of being able to speak any further normally with Ryougi.

The reason is simple. I pricked my heart with the words I had poured out.

Yeah, no matter what I do.

That friend's role will never come around to me.