On a Godless Planet:Volume1B Chapter 28
Chapter 28: Treasure Hunt[edit]
Now, which one do you like?
Raidou saw this new arrival as a pain in the ass.
“Kuwajiri.”
“Yes. Based on the DC’s records, I expect Eshita Inana is a real manifestation of Eshtar, from 5th Generation Mesopotamian mythology.”
“Eshtar?”
That must not have been a familiar name in Shinto. No, Senpai-san was on the level of a local god within Shinto, so it made sense she was unfamiliar with Eshtar.
“Eshtar is an older name for Ishtar.”
“Correct. And Ishtar is becoming fairly well known in fantasy stories in this era.”
“I-I’m sorry, but I don’t know much about video games.”
“You mean Ishtar from the Return of Ishtar, don’t you?”
“What was she returning from exactly?”
“A long night at the arcade playing that game?”
“Yeah, it did take around 5 credits to beat.”
<In the future, the record will be completing it with 2 credits.>
“Really makes you think about what the purpose of arcade games is. I feel like games changed a lot once you could play them on home consoles without worrying about paying for credits.”
“What are you talking about?”
The others seemed not to know the answer to Shamhat’s question, but Kuwajiri hazarded a guess while tilting her head.
“I think this is more ‘90s references.”
“Yeah, it’s about video games. I think we played that one a few times when you were with us at the Daiichi Department Store, Kuwajiri-chan. It’s that one where two players could explore a labyrinth together.”
“The title screen has the title in English, so that might be why she doesn’t remember it as well.”
“Oh, right.” Kuwajiri nodded. But, “Japanese games have no honor at all, do they?”
It was scary how easy it was to imagine what she meant by that.
But Raidou knew something about this himself.
“Wasn’t there an Eshtar game on the MZ-1500?”
“You’re thinking of Issural! I’ve made that mistake a few times myself!”
Was that it? If so…
“Kuwajiri, I’m really not sure about this, so help a guy out.”
“Gladly,” she said without sarcasm. “Eshtar is a major god from Mesopotamian mythology.”
●
Kuwajiri watched what she said.
She was talking about the person right in front of her.
If she only spoke the truth, she would be accurately describing that person and there would be no issues there.
But what if she said something untrue?
…It would violate that god’s “phase”.
Words had power in the same way phases did. That was why incantations existed, but if you said something mistaken about a god, you could not blame them for immediately growing hostile.
Especially for someone with a low divine rank like Kuwajiri. Someone like Eshtar was powerful enough to force through even a false accusation against her.
So she chose her words carefully.
“Eshtar was originally a goddess named Inanna and she is a god of harvest, combat, beauty, and love. She is also associated with the planet Venus, so through the merging of various religions, she crossed Europe and became the origin of goddesses like Venus and Aphrodite.”
“Oh, I know about that too. I do,” said the idiot. “In Druaga, a fake Ishtar appears on Floor 57 and the real one appears on Floor 60, but I thought it was a game where you were supposed to defeat everything you saw, so I attacked the Floor 60 Ishtar and got Zapped, which hardly seems fair.”
“Shut uuuup!!”
“Hey, you! Are you just making stuff up about me!?”
Kuwajiri could not agree more.
“Hey, idiot! You need to bow down and make up an apology!”
“Kuwajiri-chan? I’m not sure that’s the best way to say that.”
Kuwajiri kind of agreed.
But the idiot tilted her head.
“Hold on. Are you okay, Kuwajiri? I was talking about a game. You really should be able to distinguish games from the real world. Can you maybe do that?”
“Maybe I could kill you and solve all of our problems in one fell swoop.”
“Are Mesopotamian gods okay with live sacrifices?”
“I don’t know about older times, but by our time, it was all done with sheep.”
“Yeah,” said Enkidu. “We would use sheep kidneys for divination. That really takes me back.”
“How does that work? Like finding a fatty kidney means good luck for the day or something?”
“To be honest, it wasn’t all that different from that.”
Kuwajiri felt like she was receiving a lot of needless knowledge as a knowledge god.
●
It was obvious the others were whispering among themselves now, but Kuwajiri did not let it get to her.
“There are a lot of stories about Eshtar dating back to when she was known as Inanna. The most well-known is where she visits the underworld by approaching her sister, who rules the underworld, and makes a ridiculous demand but is instead tricked. Then she returns from the underworld by stealing the ‘wisdom’ of a wisdom god. Oh, and also the story where she falls in love with Bilgamesh there, is shot down, and is so angry she lashes out at Enkidu.”
“Eh? Eh? But that last one…I mean, that’s Kidou-san, right? Ehh? It isn’t like that nowadays, is it?”
“Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Wait, why aren’t you two saying anything? You mean it really happened?”
Bilgamesh raised his hand.
“I had Ki and that was enough for me.”
“And I was all, ‘don’t you dare lay a finger on my Bil’.”
“You were a lot more enthusiastic back then, huh?”
“Well, Mesopotamia back then was 100% A-OK with man-on-man stuff, so there is even surviving art showing men drinking while engaging in some ‘docking’.”
“Why is that the topic that gets the Shinto god of knowledge to interject via divine transmission?”
She decided to write it off as another underground aspect of Shinto.
But…
“Eshtar has a lot of stories and spread to many different regions. She was popular enough to become the patron goddess of her home’s capital city. But in the mythology, she had parents and relatives who controlled nature and creation, but she was free and not bound by such roles. So since these two are involved, it is entirely possible she came here on a whim.”
And…
“Her primary trait – you could even call it her authority – is selfishness. Her stories are born from her uninhibited nature and, in a way, that makes her a being outside the spectrum of good and evil. Think of her as someone who thinks everything should go her way.”
●
“If you ask me, this could hardly be worse. No offense to her.”
Raidou reflexively added that second line, but Sumeragi agreed with his main point.
“I spent so many coins on her game.”
“Like I said, I didn’t have to worry about that with the X68 version, but some of the magic had slightly different effects. Some of that worked in your favor, but some felt really unfair, so it was something of a tradeoff.”
“Yeah, instead of playing an improved port, you wanted to play the original with the bad parts fixed, right?”
He shook the idiot’s hand.
Anyway, he had something to say here.
“Hey, Eshita…can I call you Eshita? Or would you prefer Eshtar?”
“Eshita is fine by me.”
Then he would go with that.
“For now, we refuse any duels with you. We constructed a barrier and used up a lot of energy in our battle with these two, after all. If we’re going up against a major player of the 5th Generation, we want to be in top form.”
“What, one measly battle and you can’t manage another? Is that all the Norse war god has got?”
Kuwajiri nodded at what Eshita said.
That meant this was the “selfishness” Kuwajiri had mentioned. In that case…
“Is this a part of her personality, and not an intentional provocation?” he asked via the Revelation Boards.
“Eh!? How is that fair!? Just because it’s ‘a part of your personality’, you don’t get to say whatever you want with no repercussions! We need to get after someone when they say something rude! What, Kuwajiri? Why are you looking at me like that!?”
“Sumeragi-chaaan, I know you want attention, but let’s do this later, okay?”
“Later!? Okay! But you promised! You promised to do this later!”
That condition convinced the idiot to quiet down and the conversation could continue.
“We’re two generations after you, so wouldn’t you be shaming yourself if you picked a fight with us while we’re low on ether?”
“Eh? No? I’d just beat the snot out of you and go home to brag about it. Shame? Only idiots pass up a chance to win over something like that. And if anyone complains, they’re just going to complain without actually doing anything about it, so those complaints are entirely meaningless.”
“Wow, I can kinda get behind that attitude.”
Raidou understood it as well. In that case…
“Then do you want to go fight a duel?”
“Eh? Are you serious?”
She looked a little disturbed by that.
Did that mean she had not been serious about this? Or…
“Sounds like she came here to do something other than fight a duel.”
That was it.
●
“First, I need to do my job as an inspector,” said Eshita. “The Shinto terraforming is progressing too slowly, so I’m here to recommend removing your right to terraform.”
And…
“I am also here to take back those two who defected to Shinto.”
Just as she said that…
“Oh, excuse me, but I would like to interject here! Is that okay!?”
A familiar face approached.
●
Eshita knew who Omokane was. In fact…
“I thought you were weirdly willing to help when I asked for directions, but you wanted to join in, didn’t you?”
“Eh!? Omokane-san, whose side are you on!?”
“I am on Shinto’s side.”
That was incredibly hard to believe, but that was why she was so trustworthy.
“So as long as it benefits Shinto, you don’t care what the other groups do?”
“Exactly right. I have no intention of sticking my head into another mythology’s business. I know that Shinto is not strong enough for that at present,” she said. “We are currently receiving assistance from the other mythologies. Forgetting that and moving to the forefront would be meaningless.”
She means that, thought Eshita.
If she could be so decisive specifically because she belonged to a weaker mythology, then there was nothing to worry about. So…
“Where is your negotiator?”
“You want to do it here?”
“Do you have somewhere else in mind?”
“Well,” said Omokane while opening a Revelation Board. And after a moment, “There is a convenience store nearby. If we use its parking lot, there will be little damage done if things get rowdy, and supplies will be readily available.”
“Outdoors? I have a high divine rank, you know?”
Eshita spread her mouth horizontally and complained, so Omokane pointed to a shallow point in the sky.
This was the ’90s Earth sky made by Balancer.
She did not know how realistic it was, but she knew the AIs had the power to make it as realistic as possible.
So she looked in the direction Omokane pointed.
“You can see the morning star in the virtual sky, can’t you? Isn’t that your star? Anywhere its light shines is your home, correct?”
They ended up going to the parking lot of a nearby store called FamilyMart.
●
I asked Kuwajiri a question while following after that bigshot god called – Eshita was it? – who had boldly taken the lead.
“Why is that goddess wearing so much when it’s summer?”
“Eshtar grows weaker when she removes her clothing.”
“What in the world?”
“A fair question.” Kuwajiri wrinkled her brow. “One of her stories has her go to the underworld ruled by her sister in order to steal that sister’s power. So her sister harassed her by stealing an article of clothing from her at each gate into the underworld.”
“Harassed her.”
“Yes,” confirmed Kuwajiri, causing Senpai to blush.
“That would be a problem, wouldn’t it?”
“It would. Now, Eshtar had all seven articles of clothing removed, leaving her naked, and she was captured in that weakened state.”
“So was that clothing special equipment to strengthen her or something?”
“Nothing like that is ever mentioned.”
“Based on the cause and effect, the only possible conclusion is that stripping weakens her.”
“Yes. So her authority makes it so she grows weaker as she removes clothing, but looking at her here, it must also work so she grows stronger as she puts on more clothing. She’s wearing more than 5 layers, isn’t she?”
It seemed like she would be hot like that, but maybe she was fine since she was a Middle Eastern god.
But then I noticed she had stopped walking. And as I wondered why…
“Wait! I don’t know where we’re going! Why would you have me take the lead!?”
Was this goddess perhaps a moron?
●
They turned the corner after walking one block too far, so they arrived at FamilyMart from the back.
●
“I never thought I’d be hanging out with gods in a convenience store parking lot.”
I tilted my head and Raidou-senpai spoke up.
“Hey, at least we’re in the back so we don’t get in the way.”
The familiar way in which he pulled over a beer case to use as a chair was kind of amazing. As for Kuwajiri…
“Move out of the way, you. I’ll set up a space for us.”
She lined up some beer cases as seats and side tables we could use.
We were surrounded by the noise of a big convenience store air conditioning unit and the…what were those things called?
“What are those things that lure bugs in and then go zappo?”
<Those are called electric insect killers, or more colloquially as bug zappers.>
“You soooometimes get a rhino beetle orrrr other bug too big to die and it keeps getting zapped oooover and over.”
“You do, don’t you?” I said while Senpai and the others returned from buying some snacks.
They had apparently taught the Druaga Duo how to use money and how convenience stores worked.
“I didn’t know this was a country where you can buy women’s underwear 24 hours a day!”
“I am glad the horse meat on sale there was canned. I could never have gone in there again otherwise.”
“I’ve already used them a bit, but is there anything the employees can’t do?”
They had apparently each made their own unique discoveries.
“Well, we may be here for some negotiation or debate, but how about we start with some snacks? We had to avoid anything that melts, but I think we have all the other kinds of snacks they had available.”
“The kind in cardboard tubes only have small paper plates when you open them, so they’re kind of hard to deal with.”
“…”
“What is it?”
“Hey, um, those bags? Are you saying they have snacks in them?”
I answered by wordlessly opening a bag of Calbee Potato Chips and showing her.
“Are you for real!? Hey, Bil! Come check this out! It’s incredible!”
“Huh? What is this about? Keep in mind I am known as ‘he who saw all’.”
Raidou-senpai and I answered by wordlessly opening a bag of the Grilled Beef flavor and showing him.
“What sorcery is this!? Hey, Hato! Come here! They are showcasing sorcery!”
“Oh? Maybe for you and your ancient sensibilities. But I am more informed, so I doubt this will surprise me.”
Raidou-senpai, Shifu-senpai, and I answered by wordlessly opening a bag of the Ethnican flavor and showing her.
“How can this be? Hold on! Show me that again! I can use it for my nighttime entertainment!”
“What are you people wasting time on when we should be negotiating!?”
Raidou-senpai, Shifu-senpai, Kuwajiri, and I responded by wordlessly opening a bag of Karamucho and showing her.
“…”
“I-I knew that! I totally knew that was in there!”
“Oh, reallllly?”
“O-of course I did! How could I not!? I am the woman who stole the wisdom god’s wisdom and ran all the way back to town with it!”
“What, are you Sazae-san?”
Hatoko-senpai laughed at that, so she must have gotten the reference.
Meanwhile, Busty Girl-senpai looked my way while getting excited about the Consommé flavor that Raidou-senpai’s group introduced her to.
She raised her upturned hands a few times, which likely meant I was free to mess with Eshtar some more, so I held a bag of chips out toward her.
“Okay then, popular goddess who has both wisdom and beauty! I don’t know how to open this, so can you do it for me!?”
I handed it to her.
●
She could not open it.
●
“I-I can normally open these, but I’m just having a bad day! Also, I think this bag is defective!”
She handed it to Senpai who tilted her head and opened it with ease.
“…”
“Oops.”
“Calbee bags are really easy to open in the center like that, aren’t they? Other brands aren’t that well designed.”
“Wait! How could you open that when I couldn’t!? How can a low-ranked goddess open something that a super-duper-high ranked goddess like me couldn’t!?”
“How you couldn’t iiiis something of a mysteryyyy.”
“She’s clumsy?”
“Her nails are too long?”
“She’s too old?”
“A cultural gap.”
“I didn’t like any of that, but who just called me old!?”
Eshtar held a hand out toward me.
“I want a rematch! A rematch! I can do it this time, so close that bag back up!”
●
“Closing it again is a little beyond our abilities.”
“Super glue would be too strong, but I could just use small dabs of it.”
“Oh, I have a stapler, so let’s go with that.”
“A stapler?”
“Yup, a stapler.”
Shifu showed it off, eliciting gasps of surprise from the Mesopotamians.
“Are you for real?”
“A shame it does not work with clay tablets, but still impressive.”
“I knew about this! I did!”
“But why do you carry a stapler with you, Shifu-senpai?”
“I bet I know. To sew up wounds when you’re injured in a fight, right?”
“We might be war gods, but we don’t prepare for that on a daily basis.”
“It’s just to staple together my shopping notes. My uniform’s back pocket has way too much room, you see.”
●
Anyway, I handed Eshtar the bag of stapled-shut chips.
“Here ya go.”
“Hmph! Just you watch!”
Mesopotamian mythology’s most popular goddess began awkwardly opening a bag of chips behind a convenience store. And after a while…
“Ow! Damn bag!”
After some cursing, she finally managed it. The bag was fairly ripped up, but…
“How about that!? Opened it, didn’t I!? Of course I did! That was easy!”
The scattered applause from everyone else put a huge smile on her face.
“Okay, I’ll be taking this as an offering! That’s fine, right!? I mean, look how much more you have over there!”
“Eh?”
“What? Are you saying I can’t?”
“Eh? Ahhhhh, no, um, you can if you want. Go ahead.”
●
“Hm? Senpai, what has you so flustered?”
“Well,” she said with her shoulders drooping a little. “It’s just that Karamucho is your favorite snack.”
“Eh?”
I carelessly expressed my confusion and everyone fell silent for a moment. And eventually…
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Ah!”
Shifu-senpai placed an arm around Senpai’s shoulder.
“Hey, Senpai-chan, let’s have a chat about this later on, okay?”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait! I, but, um, I didn’t mean, um, uh.”
“Not to worry, Senpai! I will eat Karamucho for every meal from now on! And I’ll buy up Koikeya stock to drive up the stock prices!”
“Eh!? What’s this? Is it about love!? I’m a goddess of love, so let me hear all about it!”
She was a more casual goddess than expected, so we explained the situation to her. And…
“This stuff, right!?”
She grabbed a 100g bag of Karamucho from the “pile o’ snacks” we had made.
Then she quickly moved back to her beer case chair.
“This is that human’s good luck item for love, right!? If you want this back so your love will come true, then give me everything I want in the upcoming negotiation!”
“But they sell those at every convenience store and supermarket.”
“They sell love-fulfilling items in stores in this country!?”
“I’m gonna be eating that for every meal now, so of course they sell them everywhere.”
“Sumeragi-chan, she’s surprisingly pure, so maybe you should stop lying to her.”
“I’m not lying! I’m really gonna eat Karamucho for every meal!”
I noticed Eshtar was raising her hand. And of all things…
“Then am I allowed to eat this since I’m a goddess of love?”
“Yeah, knock yourself out. We’ve got other snacks over here.”
Hearing that, she reached for the bag and then stopped.
“…”
After a moment, she walked over to me with unopened bag in hand.
And with a big smile…
“Open it for me!”
●
“There’s no perhaps about it anymore. Even if I’m being generous, this major ancient goddess is definitely a moron.”
“You don’t get to call anyone that.”
“Yeah, but I think I see why she’s so popular.”
“I am so sorry.”
“Do you see why I want to keep that innocent moron away from my partner? I can’t have him catching her dumbness.”
●
But what were we to do?
I watched as everyone settled in there.
There were three rows of beer case chairs and side tables.
With Eshtar in front of it all, the first row had the Druaga Duo and Omokane-senpai. There was an empty seat there, so I could guess there was someone they wanted to join them. Maybe me!
The second and third rows were arranged more like a circle with beer cases gathered in the center like a table. That was where all the snacks and drinks were.
“We’re pretty obviously treating this like a spectator sport, aren’t we?”
“Hey, there’s not much for us to do here.”
“If anything, Shifu and I are like witnesses. Kuwajiri, you use your knowledge to help out.”
“Understood. But who is the Shinto negotiator?”
Just as Kuwajiri asked that, we heard a voice from the front of the Family Mart.
“Excuse me! I will be participating as the negotiator!”
I recognized the voice I heard and person I saw.
It was the underclassman who had been with Scareko-senpai at the bathhouse before.
“I am Sugawara Tenma! It is a pleasure to meet you!”
●
Tenma was fairly excited.
She had made sure her summer uniform was impeccable and she pulled a folding fan and a pen set from her pocket in place of a notepad. She also checked on the large and small swords at her hip.
…This is a negotiation with a major god! How exciting!
“Sugawara-kouhai, do you think you can do this?”
“I do. I was a politician in my past life, after all.”
Yes. Unlike the other gods, she was a human who had become a god, so she had inherited some realistic skills along with her authority. In her case, those were mostly politics related.
“When looking after the imperial palace and while demoted and sent into exile, I handled my fair share of international negotiations. I may have been defeated in power struggles where connections are king, but that is a different beast from politics and negotiations. Simply put, I can handle both knowledge and combat and I can perform both politics and negotiations. I am a multitasking god.”
“Ohh, with all that going for you, it’s even more amazing you had room to cram dealing with a major ancient god in there. Anyway, here’s part of your payment up front.”
She handed Tenma a box of Potelong. And…
“Um, Tenma-san, I thought you would need a stand, so I made one for you by stacking two beer cases.”
“There are empty bottles in the bottom one, but don’t let it bother you. That was all we had.”
“Makes you look like a heavy drinkerrrr.”
Wait.
“And if you’re thirsty, you can’t go wrong with a Sangaria Hiyashi Ame.”
“Um, excuse me.”
“I really, really don’t want to answer any questions right now, but I feel sorry for you, so go ahead.”
Those Norse gods scared her, but she forced herself to actually ask her question.
“Um, I heard the inspector was here and we were holding a negotiation concerning the Shinto terraforming, but what is all this?”
She asked her primary question while viewing the informal party where they had even opened up some canned yakitori.
“Where is my negotiating partner?”
Everyone answered by looking back behind her.
In the seat facing the rest, heavily-dressed Eshtar was munching on Karamucho.
“Damn, this stuff is good! …So what’s up? Are we doing this meeting, or what?”
“Wow, there goes all of my excitement!”
Can I really handle this?
Interlude[edit]
“I am so sorry.”
“Oh, um, I am sorry too.”
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