On a Godless Planet:Volume2A Chapter 6
Chapter 6: Comix Zone[edit]
A chaotic mixture of genres.
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Shreds of black flew below the streetlight.
They were shadows.
They had originally been white, but the streetlight made them look dark but see-through. They were…
“Whoa! I had to sacrifice one of my shirts to dodge that! What is with that water beam!?”
●
“Water beam? Why are the Mesopotamians so bad at naming things?”
<Probably because they’re so old.>
“Hey! Quit criticizing me from the sidelines!”
A water beam flew toward the idiot. (The human one this time.)
●
Eshita was sure now that the water monster was launching the water beams toward the human.
…She really is targeting him!
But that didn’t make sense.
This blast would kill the human.
But hadn’t her first act been to protect the human?
Which was it?
How intelligent was this water monster anyway?
Or could the water monster be too enraged to think straight?
There were a number of possibilities, but only one conclusion.
“Why should I care!? He’s not me!”
That’s right. Thinking too much ages you. I should just forget all this nonsense and enjoy my life. However…
“Waiiiiiit! Don’t die, human!”
The water beam was already on its way to the idiot.
The idiot seemed to be trying to dodge, but he clearly wasn’t going to make it. In fact, he seemed to be crouching down to duck below it, but the beam was coming up from below. So in all likelihood, he was only moving into position for the beam to shoot right between his eyes. If that happened, the idiot would probably scream:
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Which would be pretty funny. But…
“If you die, I might be erased by the lifespan god!”
But the beam was already in flight.
On course for a direct hit.
●
I was safe.
I felt kind of pathetic for squeezing my eyes shut, but I couldn’t help it.
…Cause I’m human!
A human couldn’t be hanging around while gods and spirits partied. But…
“Go me! I actually dodged the enemy attack with the kinetic vision I developed playing Thunder Force III!”
<No, ape, that was a direct hit.>
“Huh!? But I’m alive, ain’t I!? Raidou-senpai called me a Human Spelunker the other day, but isn’t Spelunker’s player character already human!? But I’m alive! Being alive is great! Because it means I can worship Senpai’s big boobs!”
Another water beam flew my way.
●
It was on course for a direct hit.
But just like the previous shot, I saw this shot caught and stopped at the last second by…
“Heyyyyyy! Why do you keep dodging into the path of the water beams!?”
“Mucho!”
“Yes, who else here can block those attacks? And what was that incomprehensible self-praise from earlier?”
Mucho swung her right hand to the side.
Her fingers – no, her palm had done it.
“Did you block the water beam?”
“Yes, I did.”
A third and a fourth shot flew my way, but Mucho blocked them both with her right hand.
“They’re vanishing?”
Why was that?
“Mucho, aren’t you supposed to be a weakling since you’re only in your inner suit? What gives?”
“Take a look at the sky. To the west.”
I looked to the night sky in that direction.
I saw the sky there. At this time during summer, I could see…
“That’s Venus.”
“The Morning Star. That’s my star. I can draw power from it as long as it’s visible, so I can get by well enough.”
“What? So you’re charging your battery with Venus right now!? That’s so cool! How many minutes does it last? Will your battery die in about 8 minutes like a Tamiya RC toy?”
“Don’t describe it like that!”
I also noticed something else.
“Mucho, you were running around a lot, but that was to knock down those trees, wasn’t it?”
“Yup. I needed to see Venus, but I didn’t know where it was, so I tricked that water monster into attacking and clearing my view of the sky.”
<How could you do this to the beautiful divine world I created? And why did you knock down the trees to the east as well?>
“I-it’s not my fault! It wasn’t where I thought it would be, so I panicked a little! And a bit of clumsiness is the perfect thing to make a powerful god super cute!”
“A bit of clumsiness is enough for you to destroy the environment, Mucho?”
<Also, Tokyo is at a latitude of 36°N and a longitude of 140°E and your home of Uruk is at a latitude of 31°N and a longitude of 45°E, but the latitude is generally more important here. Did a 5 degree difference really throw you off that much?>
“S-so what if it did!? The point is I can win now! Got that!?”
After blocking another beam, Mucho started running again.
“Here I go!”
●
“I was wondering. What are Mucho’s battles like in her myths?”
While I watched Mucho run out ahead, I shifted my position to use her as a shield and asked Balancer that question. The screen nodded, and…
<There is the story of the Mount Ebih Incident.>
“What’s that about?”
<Well, Eshtar destroys resource-rich Mount Ebih in order to increase her rank.>
“…”
“What was that idiot thinking? Did something put her in a bad mood?”
<It’s one of those myths that leaves you thinking, “Eh? Isn’t that a weird thing to do? I don’t get it? Was that god right in the head?” Some say having one of those is the mark of being a major god.>
“I don’t need your concern!”
“I know, I know,” I said, waving Mucho’s way while she blocked another water beam. And Balancer…
<Anyway, Eshtar retrieves a bunch of equipment from a treasure vault. A holy light, royal clothing, and stuff like that. She also had a bizarre weapon with seven heads, and also a bow.>
“Eh? So did she use those weapons to destroy the mountain?”
<She must have been overexcited beforehand because she got ahead of herself and caused a bit of a storm and a flood before even reaching the mountain. As for the weapons,> said Balancer. <When she arrived at the mountain, she stabbed a double-edged dagger into the peak, roared, punched it, and spat cursing words upon the trees and the beasts. Then she declared herself victorious.>
“…”
“Was the double-edged dagger mentioned among the things she took from the treasure vault?”
<No, it is first mentioned when she arrives at the mountain. She sharpens it while climbing the mountain for some reason.>
“Then what was that dagger?”
<Probably a personal possession.>
“…”
“What about the other weapons? Like the bow?”
<Did I ever say she was going to use them?>
“But, wait, huh?”
<Do you get it now?> asked Balancer. <In Mesopotamian mythology, Eshtar is depicted as a close combat character who carries a double-edged dagger with her at all times. Try to remember that.>
“What is she, a yakuza assassin!?”
<Perhaps we should call her the Sumerian Yakuza.>
“Hey! Quit it! Stop making stuff up about me!”
Is she even focused on the fight? I wondered just before Mucho shouted back from the reservoir.
“Okay, I’m almost there!”
●
Eshita ran, but she didn’t rush.
She took it at a light jog. Because she no longer needed to dodge.
She deflected the incoming attacks with her left hand and rotated her right hand to build up her strength.
“Don’t even try to run away!”
“…!?”
The water monster panicked upon realizing her attacks were completely ineffective.
What’s this? If she has the intelligence to notice, she must have the emotions for it to scare her.
…But then what is she? She isn’t a spirit, but she doesn’t seem like a god either.
Eshita didn’t know. But she did increase her pace a little.
“Got you.”
She kicked off the edge of the reservoir and flew toward the water. And toward the water monster.
●
That’s when I saw it.
After jumping, Mucho swung a punch down toward the reservoir. And she shouted the attack name in midair.
“Venus Punch!”
Just awful.
●
As awful as the name was, the attack was effective.
“…!”
Eshita’s current strength was only one step above naked, but the divine protection of Venus powered up her attack.
While running through the air, she had gathered the atmospheric pressure around the blow, so everything within a hemispherical range was pushed away.
The water monster fired a water beam and water shell, but it didn’t do any good.
Eshita’s attack rapidly expanded to cover several dozen meters, distorting the water monster.
The monster was pushed away.
The attack pressure passed by like a fallen jewel. The water monster, the water, the water plants, and the stones and mud at the bottom of the reservoir were all pushed away so the attack could reach the crust.
This produced a mist that turned to steam. The reservoir rapidly boiled and erupted upwards. And…
“–––!?”
The water monster roared loudly. And Eshita…
“Eh!? What just happened!? Why’s she made of hot water now?”
<The rapid pressurization from your attack compressed the water, producing heat. That normally only happens in an enclosed space, but the water was pushed in faster than it could flow back out, creating a compression effect within the water.>
“???”
“Mucho, that’s middle school chemistry stuff. How do you not know it?”
“Huh!? If you don’t like it, take it up with the middle schools we had 5000 years ago!”
But the compression was blown away. On the distorted circular eastern edge of the reservoir, several pillars of steam erupted like geysers.
“–––––!!”
A strained voice let out a scream. And immediately thereafter…
<Ah.>
Balancer noticed just as it was happening.
The sluice gate, the device that supplied the reservoir water when needed, was broken down by the force of the pressure attack.
●
The cement and steel sluice gate bent at the base before giving way.
It didn’t split or shatter – it shifted. That movement broke down the gate and dark steam rushed into the narrow waterway and underground drain.
There was a sound.
“Wow.”
Most of the drain was an empty path for the water. Sending hot steam through it so quickly produced a sound much like a musical instrument.
The sharpness of the wind roaring at the entrance created a deep rumbling through the entire drain.
“Whoa! That’s really loud!”
The city sang. Windows opened in the nearby buildings. The gods were taking a look outside to see what was going on.
The reservoir had already lost its water and most of the steam had escaped into the sky. All that remained was the damp roar of the wind created from the temperature difference with the air. But that wind spread out, so there wasn’t time to listen to it while it joined with the drain’s reverberation.
<The water monster appears to be gone too. Shouldn’t you escape now?>
“Yeah, that’s a good idea! We should withdraw!”
“Why do I get the feeling we would have been safer not fighting back?”
Eshita shouted back while already making a run for it after hearing that comment.
“It’s not my fault!”
●
Maybe that was my fault, thought Shifu as she stuck her telephone card in the phone out in front of the convenience store. The card was a Mount Mitake souvenir. 100 proof. She was weirdly proud of the fact that only the Norse gods used that kind of card. And on the phone…
“Hey, who is it?”
“It’s your wife.”
“Oh. What do you need, Shifu? I don’t mind if you need to have a long talk with Senpai-san.”
“No, it’s not that. I’m at the Lawson near Senpai-chan’s place. I’ll head back in a bit, but you don’t mind if I’m late?”
“I’m working out right now, so that’s fine with me. Did something come up?”
“I kinda forgot I had something to tell Senpai-chan.”
“Oh,” said Tooru. “So it’s the same reason you went over there in the first place. How are things there?”
“Hmm. This is going to be sudden, so I think I’ll leave if I feel like I’m intruding. And Senpai-chan gets really weird when Sumeragi-chan gets home, so I think I’ll leave if that happens too.”
“I’m afraid I don’t really understand…”
“Don’t worry, neither do I. I wanted to stop by Kuwajiri-chan’s place afterwards to pick up our beer, but it’ll be pretty late, so I need to tell her I won’t be by until tomorrow.”
“In that case, I can stop by her place after this. It sounds like you have a tricky conversation ahead of you. And even if not, you’ll be tired when you get back. So it’ll be better if there’s some beer waiting for you, right?”
“I can’t think of anything better!”
“Leave it to me,” he said over the phone. But, “Did you hear that earlier? There was a weird whistling sound from your direction. What was it?”
Shifu had heard it too. She had thought it was the whistle of a freight train passing through Tachikawa, but…
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
●
Is this bad? I wondered, but I was also worried about the water I could hear.
“And I heard a weird sound outside earlier.”
So I stepped out onto the balcony.
I didn’t have anything out on the balcony. I had still been pretending to be moving in next to Sumeragi-kun’s room until the other day, so I wasn’t in a position to have anything out on the balcony.
…It would look weird if a girl had a fully-decorated balcony right after moving in!
Personally, I wanted to lay down some turf and create something like a flower bed.
But now was no time to be fantasizing about that.
…There’s a mystery water sound coming from Sumeragi-kun’s room!
What could it be? From what I could tell from outside the front door, it sounded too deep and muffled to be the sink.
It was a mystery.
So I thought maybe I could get a peek inside from the balcony. But…
<If you think about it, isn’t this peeping?>
“…”
“No, no, no! It isn’t! It’s a safety check! As a god, I must confirm the safety of my worshiper’s room by peep- no, it’s not peeping! I must protect Sumeragi-kun’s room, so I am only taking a quick peep- again, it’s not peeping! I swear it isn’t! Please believe meeeee!”
<Are you trying to use self-suggestion?>
I grabbed the screen and shook them hard. But my plan was already underway.
“Listen. This is a safety check. What if there’s a fire?”
<Why would there be a fire if you’re hearing water?>
“It could happen! It could! What if a water pipe is leaking because it caught on fire!?”
<Wonderful news! I have decided to dedicate a portion of Tachikawa’s budget next year to build a mental hospital!>
Even I knew that was something that could only happen with an Auth Spell.
“Regardless, you get the point! You can’t stop me from peep- from doing a safety check!”
<Very well. Go ahead.>
“Eh?”
<If you have made up your mind, I will not stop you. So get to it.>
“…”
“Sorry. The pressure is getting to me.”
“I completely forgot I always chicken out when it really matters.”
<Your self-analysis is excellent, but you forgot to add, ‘when you step on the gas even slightly, you instantly accelerate to max speed’.>
“H-how rude! I am not that eccentric!”
Balancer gave me an extremely profound look. Wow, I didn’t know a screen could make that expression…
But anyway, I thought, to refocus myself.
“I’m going to look!”
<Yes, go ahead.>
At Balancer’s prompting, I looked through the big window into Sumeragi-kun’s room. And…
“The curtains are shut?”
<So much for that plan.>
●
“Balancer!!”
<It isn’t that I tricked you. I am a clever AI, so I would never do that. More importantly, don’t you need to know what is causing that water sound?>
That’s right.
I thought on the balcony for a bit before noticing something.
“There’s a gap in the curtains?”
I placed my hand on my balcony’s railing and leaned my upper body over toward his.
The railing was made of concrete and had a somewhat decorative design. It was about 20cm thick.
There was a gap of about 30cm between the two balconies, so…
“Nhhhh!”
I couldn’t even get close to the gap in the curtains. In fact, my face only barely reached his balcony at all.
“Let’s see.”
It was a little dangerous, but I leaned out even more.
“Nh!”
My feet left the balcony like I was climbing over a wall.
“Ah!”
My upper body wobbled and pitched forward.
<You’re going to fall!>
“No, my face!”
Given the length of my body, I could tell my face was going to hit the railing of Sumeragi-kun’s balcony. But I frantically stretched out my hands.
“Nh!”
I got my hands on his railing and caught myself. It was a bit of a precarious position, but my hands were supporting my upper body well enough.
“That was too close.”
<It’s good you didn’t fall all the way onto his balcony. That would count as trespassing.>
“Oh, yes, I suppose it would…”
But that told me I couldn’t get on his balcony. So…
“Is placing my hands on his balcony allowed?”
<Technically allowed, but frowned upon.>
Why is that AI so good at getting under my skin? I wondered while leaning forward a bit more.
I put my knees up on my balcony’s railing with my hands on Sumeragi-kun’s.
“Go!”
I moved my knees over onto his railing. I kind of felt like a cat.
<Didn’t expect you to really do it.>
I ignored Balancer. This was dangerous, so I kept moving slowly along.
I moved ever closer to the spot directly in front of the gap in the curtains.
And I arrived.
“Umm?”
That was when I realized the gap was a bit higher up. Which meant…
<You need to stand up.>
“No, no, no, no! I can’t possibly!”
<So no safety check then?>
“Oh, that’s right!”
Danger superseded safety. Or was it the opposite? Either way, I slowly stood up. Really, I got up on just my left leg.
“Oh! Sumeragi-kun, this is only a safety check! That’s all this is, okay!?”
After stating my purpose, I looked to the gap between the curtains.
That was precisely when a voice called up from the ground below.
“Senpai-chan? Committing crimes already?”
●
Balancer saw Shifu looking up from the street below and the lifespan god doing a very bad job at making excuses.
“N-no, this is a safety check! Only a safety check! What else could it possibly look like!?”
“Well, it looks like you’re building up speed to break through the window and enter his room.”
“No, no, no! It’s nothing like that!”
“Let me guess. You noticed something odd about Sumeragi-chan’s room, you got worried and decided to try the balcony, but you lost your balance and then you didn’t want to trespass, so you ended up on the railing?”
“Oh, yes, that’s it! Exactly like that!”
“Right. And now you’re building up speed to break through the window and enter his room?”
“Y-you had it until that part! Leave out the building up speed to break through part! What kind of person do you think I am?”
“If I’m choosing my words carefully to not hurt your feelings, an optimistic, active, and determined stalker?”
<Hard to think of anything worse.>
“Don’t forget that you supported me in this!”
Senpai-chan turned toward Balancer and lost her balance.
“Ah.”
She fell.
●
Shifu used her entire body to catch the person falling from the balcony overhead. That person was fairly heavy – or rather, she had a pair of weights attached at a certain point – so that was no easy task.
“Wow! There are boobs falling from the sky here!”
Stopping her wasn’t easy. And while she could manage it, Senpai-chan’s body might not be able to handle it.
So she let herself collapse onto the street, using the action to absorb some of the momentum. However…
“Ah! I’m sorry, Shifu-san!”
“Don’t be. I’m just glad you’ve learned to keep your spirits up.”
That was the best way to accept this. She was a lot more cheerful than she use to be.
But then a Revelation Board opened. Shifu turned to it curiously.
“Hey, can I make an emergency report?”
What was this about? Shifu saw no reason to stop her, so she decided to hear Eshita-chan out.
“What now? Are you causing trouble again?”
“Eh? Oh, I see the lifespan god is with you. Then I’m going to end this divine transmission as soon as I’m done.”
“What’s happened?”
“Nothing much,” said Eshita-chan, waving a hand dismissively on the screen. The background showed she was near the school. She spoke in the minimal light of a streetlight.
“The human was just hit by a car on the road over there and rolled back.”
The Revelation Board shattered. Senpai-chan immediately got up and tried to gather the ether light shards.
“Eshita-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!?”
I’m never getting a chance to tell her what I have to say, am I? realized Shifu.
●
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” muttered Kuwajiri after learning a rollback was necessary with Raidou waiting outside.
She held the case of beer she had bought for Shifu.
“There’s always more work for me, isn’t there?”
That human was nothing but trouble.
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