Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter3

Suggested sentences for revision

Completed edits for the entire chapter and added suggested revisions for parts 1 and 2 below. I'm still in the process of writing up suggested revisions for part 3 and will post them at a later date. And the list is looking shorter than last time ;). Also, I'm not sure how many of these would lend themselves to it, but I can make the changes that are 'CaM' or written out explicitly to save you time if you'd prefer. I think my selectivity in the level of importance for suggestions has shifted over the course of all of the chapters, let me know if you'd prefer more selective (and therefore shorter) lists. --Cthaeh (talk) 21:15, 3 December 2013 (CST)

• It's good to see the list as shorter. That means I'm doing something right. No complaints about content of current edits. Usually, I just wait until the revisions for all parts are posted and when I finally feel like fixing everything, then go and check over the raws over the specified parts and re-read what I wrote and fix any inflections/do some rewordings of my own. So it isn't really out of my way to change everything myself. Takes maybe a few extra minutes. I won't stop you though. And as for suggestions, just keep doing as is. Even if wrong, suggestions for improved flow/alternative wording can actually help improve my writing as well. Or it could just as well open me up to new ideas, etc. And I'll say it straight out. I suck at writing out facial descriptions. So some of them might end sounding weird because I'm not too sure how it would be written either. So I'll just give a lengthy description on those~. If you can provide a better alternative, that'd be good too. Thanks for fixing my overuse of past-perfect tense too. I admit I overuse it, but it's kind of hard to keep track while translating. --Detalz (talk) 15:42, 5 December 2013 (CST)

Also another note. 'Ho' is not a sound that's used in English writing, though 'Hoho' exists, but employs a different meaning. 'Ho' in most cases means 'Oh?', 'Ohho', 'Well I'll be', 'Well if this isn't..', and the list can go on. The instances where I put 'Ho' was actually just me being lazy. Plus, I don't really know what the tomboy version(Vileena's) of 'Ho' would transliterate into. Could I ask you to help fix these instances of 'Ho' when you have time(just for this chapter)? It's just another minor problem so nothing big to worry over. Many thanks appreciated. --Detalz

• Well it's a simple matter to just find and replace the instances in this chapter with the examples that you list. But I don't think I'm creative or skilled enough to come up with any better alternatives if you were looking for different ones. Also, I'm finished with my suggestions for this chapter now. --Cthaeh (talk) 19:24, 12 December 2013 (CST)

• Those were examples to list the general meaning, but don' exactly fit when directly substituted and I'm can't think of any better ways of wording it either. Well, don't mind it then. --Detalz (talk) 00:08, 16 December 2013 (CST)

Part 1

he would immediately direct his eyes at the door, to find that it never opened.

• Suggested revision: "... eyes at the door, only to find that it hadn't opened."

• I find hadn't very strange here. When i read it with 'hadnt', I get the feeling he only does it once, but that's not how it is. Adding 'only' wouldn't hurt though.

His eyes tore straight up, and his lips turned upwards, to reveal his canine teeth.

• I wasn't sure what "His eyes tore straight up" means. Also, I would consider replacing "His eyes" with "Orba's eyes" just because the main subject of the previous sentence (and the previous "his") was Dinn.

• Brows might be better than eye. Imagine a little demon smiling, and its brows turning into an angle. Maybe a smiling troll face. Scheming, conniving, Mr. Burns. Not exactly sure what the english equivalent would be.

In that time, the light-footed gladiator Aeson climbed over the fencings and walls and aligned against the balcony of the room Oubary was situated in.

• Suggested change to "and aligned himself against".

• CaM

Aeson was a born pirate from the northern Zongan seas and experienced in the raising and lowering of the mast.

• "was a born pirate" implies that he has a natural aptitude that either did not come from experience, or goes beyond his level of experience as a pirate. While that's not necessarily wrong, I thought it was a strange statement to make in context. I would have expected it to just be "had been a pirate" or "was born a pirate" to say that he was experienced as a pirate.

• Changed to "was a pirate born in the northern..."

• I also thought "raising and lowering of the mast" was out of place with the context. Something like "climbing up and down the mast" is what I was expecting. However, if that's what's in the original, then that's what it should be.

• Haha, oops. CaM.

General Oubary is a general long serving Mephius.

• Suggested revision: General Oubary is a general that has long served Mephius.

• I'll think about it when I re-check the raws. It's certain texts like these that just make it annoying to translate. The raws vary from modern writing style, so I'm not sure if I should alter that in English to reflect that. It's usually just an olden way of speaking, but still a pain to deal with. ---I think I'll keep as is. As a personal preference, I'd like to keep as many archaic wordings as possible to reflect the literature.

Rather, because the matter with Kaiser exists, Noue will not have to work for his accomplishments, right?”

• I think "accomplishments" doesn't quite fit, in part because they haven't happened yet. Something like 'goals', 'tasks', or 'objectives' seems to fit better for me. However, when I use Word's thesaurus on 'accomplishments', it gives a different definition than the plural of 'accomplishment'. That definition is something like 'endeavours', which would fit the context a little better here. However, I wasn't able to find that definition in my dictionary and obviously wasn't aware of it before, so I'm a little hesitant about it.

• I agree endeavour sounds better. Hmm, lemme double-check with the raws first, and I'll get back to it.

---Accomplishments here represents the feats that determine a person(and his standing), so I believe it's ok to use in this context.

“Already in Mephius, hmm. You are exactly right. To this end, the search will also determinedly be met within Mephius. Of course…so this was Noue’s aim. The sword-slaves are an unfortunate bunch. They are the same as children provoked by wicked adults into fruitless opposition.”

• I didn't understand the italicized sentence. Though this is suppose to be just the tail of the conversation, so maybe its meaning is supposed to be unclear.

• It was also strangely worded in the raws. All this formal/olden/noble wording is actually a pain to try to translate into English. The modern equivalent would be "the search is sure to take place within Mephius"

• OK, it's probably good as is for olden style wording. I just wasn't sure how much of that sentence we were supposed to understand (ie the "search" is supposed to be unknown).

“A cuirass, sandals, and bangles.”<!--Should I word it “Get me a cuirass…” to make it more obvious that it’s Orba’s proposal?”-->

• re your question: I understood that it was Orba saying it.

The guard at the gate saw Orba’s mask and bowed. He wasn’t a man with much of a prominent personality, but in accordance to the rules, performed an inspection for weapons after which he granted permission for him to enter.

• I wasn't really sure what not being a "prominent personality" meant for the guard. As I understand it, "prominent personality" would refer to someone who was well known or famous. But it seems strange to bother saying that guard at the gate is not famous since I would consider that obvious or implicitly expected without saying it, so I thought there may have been a different intended meaning.

• Ah, 'character' would probably be better. It's supposed to mean "nothing about him really stood out" or something or the sort.

No sooner than he had entered the garden, all the men and women called out to him. The name and appearance of the gladiator said to have defeated Ryucown had become well-known. The nobles had mostly hosted parties at their own homes and invited those they wanted to come.

• The last sentence seems out of place. I would have expected it to be saying something along the lines of 'the nobles had invited Orba the gladiator to the parties they hosted in their homes'.

• I also thought it was out of place(in the raws too). It's a supposed transition, stating how usually, no one dressed as how Orba was and with an upbringing such as his, would usually join them in a party and how it was unexcpected and all. I'll check later and add into a new line if anything.

Yup, it was a mistranslation. There's still much for me to learn about the ins and outs of Japanese. However, this new translation requires a word I can't quite think of atm. What's a word that means 'a place a person frequents enough to consider home'? I'm thinking 'personal dwelling', but i don't think it's right. Here's the new translation: "The nobles, as guests of the party hosted in this _____, welcomed him."

• To represent frequency or familiarity, you might be able to just put 'favorite' before whatever word. Most of these probably don't fit, but my feeble attempt to help with brainstorming is the following (preceded by 'favorite' if appropriate): haunts, hangouts, establishment, locale, location, mansion, manor, hall, second home/house.

• There are some good suggestions there, that don't exactly fit with the context. A second home would probably be the best so I'll build on that one. "The nobles as guests of the party hosted in this mansion that came second to their own welcomed him.

The italicized part could be reworded(if there are any ambiguities?) and substituted with 'came as second', 'was second', etc. Or, addition of the word 'familiar' preceding 'mansion' might also help fix it. If you think there's a need to make those changes, just mention it. Otherwise, I'll modify it as I mentioned. Who knew writing was so hard(at least in a style suitable for this novel)....and so completely different from reading.

The two seemed to be facing each other and chatting happily. And as they appeared to do so, open hostility could be seen within those two pairs of eyes.

• The "And as they appeared... ," seems redundant with the "The two seemed to be" in the previous sentence. Suggested revision to the following

- The two seemed to be facing each other and chatting happily, however, open hostility could be seen within those two pairs of eyes.

• Duly noted. However, to keep the intended meaning, the first instance will be fixed instead. "The two were facing each other and chatting happily. And as they appeared to do so,..."

Part 2

If I don’t make my own foothold, no progress will make way.”

• Italicized part seemed a little strange. Assuming it doesn't distort the intended focus/meaning, I would have used something like "I will not make any progress".

• That's the intended meaning. I'll check with raws later.

If such things were made to pass, even the country’s management would spiral out of control.

• The italicized portion might sound more natural as "things were allowed to pass" or "things came to pass". However, I can see how those might be diverging from the intended focus.

• Slightly, but I can't describe it exactly myself. I think it's fine the way it is. On second thought, I'm changing it to "things came to pass"

Vileena thought ascertainingly, in the hosted party held at the Moonlight Palace this evening.

• "ascertainingly" isn't a word, even though it's something that people would probably get the gist of. 'perceptively' is a somewhat close alternative that could be used. Also, this sentence just sounded a little strange, though I understand it's meant to transition us from Vileena's dress fitting to the party (without doing the typical break with extra lines). I want to say "Vileena thought ___ during/(while attending) the hosted party ..." sounds a little better, but I'm not entirely sure it would for anyone but me.

• Make your own word by modifiying a verb into an adverb by adding 'ing' + 'ly'! The proper way in "How to write English 1.1 for noobs" On a side note, what exactly is supposed to go in the underscore? Would changing 'thought ascertaingly' to 'ascertained' be better? Actually, I'm not even sure if English writing would bother with using 'ascertained' and just go straight with 'thought' instead. I need to read an English book...before I forget all the fine grammar points @_@.

• The blank was just for whatever word ended up going there (whether 'acertainingly' or something else).

• Oh, I thought you only wanted to suggest changing the word 'ascertainingly'. Changed to 'Vileena ascertained while attending the hosted part..."

No matter how savage a country Mephius was, there should be those that could not ignore their feelings of opposition towards the emperor’s conduct nonetheless.

• I'm not as sure on this one, but I thought "nonetheless" might be redundant with the starting "No mater how", and could be deleted.

• Removed 'nonetheless'

I will make sure of each and every one of their positions and views, and so that I may use it to somehow benefit Garbera, I must determine my own standing.

• The sentence's current structure implies to me that she is saying she will either use her own standing to the benefit of Garbera, or that she must first determine her own standing before she can make use of the information (positions and views). Not necessarily anything wrong, I just don't quite understand why knowing her position needs to relate to the information gathered.

• Ah. This sentence. I hated it. The ambiguity of the subject was mind-boggling to a whole new level(at least for me). Basically, 'determine my own standing' = ' establish my own position of support', so that she can use it to further her goals as you mentioned in the latter half. 'positions and views' means more of standpoint. She needs to know where they stand, and also establish herself as one of them, in order to accomplish her goals. Hope this clarifies. You can fix this as you please.

She decided for a change in location. And if at some place this topic would come up, she would attempt to join in.

• I would have expected the first sentence to be something like "She decided to move about." (something that implies she is constantly moving and listening for 'this topic', rather than just changing one location to another single location). Also, this is more minor, but I might have written the first part of the second sentence as something like "And if this topic came up at some spot, she ...".

• Spot is more appropriate, so it's all good. And i wrote more of thinking 'she would try some place else(one destination in mind) and if while traversing there, she came across someone speaking the topic....' So I think this might just be a difference in interpreting the sentence?

• Your interpretation is valid. My interpretation was biased by what I expected her to be doing. Another alternative for the second part with that new interpretation would be "And if this topic came up somewhere along the way, she would attempt to join in." (I actually didn't think 'spot' was all that appropriate, I just couldn't think of anything better. I like this new one best, but it's also a much more liberal change).

• CaM

He was showing a magnificent dance with one of the ladies, as the surrounding groups of women threw glares of jealousy and envy.

• Suggested revision of "showing" to "performing" or "showing off". Though both of those have a slightly different meanings from 'show', so maybe it wouldn't work.

• Now I'm confused as to why you brought up 'showing' for revision. What you wrote at the end seems to imply you admit 'showing' in this context is correct? Changed to 'Showing off'

• I just thought 'showing' was unusual to use there, or perhaps it was merely that it was unexpected for me. However, I couldn't think of an alternative that I liked with such a neutral/passive connotation as 'showing' (it's probably that connotation that made it feel unnatural to me), hence my admitting the difference in my proposed changes.
• Well, reading it a second time, it does strike as a bit unexpected to me. But I think this is a problem with translating passive directly into English. It's not that it's wrong, so much as not commonly used in English writing. I'd actually like Dohma/another translator's opinion on this, and see what a more liberal translator would do. Considering Noue's personality, he likely danced as to 'show off', though the narrative used the verb 'show'(could be seen). Meh, I'll leave it as is for now.

He offered his greetings if not one second early, and for some reason quickly drew towards the direction of the party.

• "if not one second early" seems a little strange; I think it means he did it quickly? Also, the second half of the sentence implies to me that he left Vileena (left in the direction of the main party). However, he later joins in the conversation with Ineli (meaning he's still there), so I was a little confused on the later half.

• it should be 'if not one second earlier'. Means he wanted to get it over with. Party is the one in the garden, not the main one in the halls.

“Ah, could it be I’ve yet to introduce to my elder sister?

• Suggested "I've yet to be introduced to" or "I've yet to introduce myself to".

• Accidentally omitted 'myself'

I felt it would be better to exchange fellow greetings as early as possible, for the both of us.”

• Suggested removal of "fellow". I thought "exchange greetings" already contains the context added by "fellow".

• CaM

(Ineli) “Just now, I have had the pleasure of entertaining a dance with Lord Salzantes ... // (Vileena)... “I have had the pleasure of witnessing this a moment ago, but Princess Ineli is extremely skilled.

• Ineli's "I have had" could be reduced to "I had", but it's actually fine as is. Vileena's "I have had" would sound more natural/correct as "I had". However, I thought it was possible this was intentionally done to represent Vileena mimicking Ineli's style of speech. If that's the case, then it should probably be left as is.

• It's formal speech. It's their first meeting, and they have their standings to consider after all.

“My, is that so. So that’s how it is. Well, it’s better not to fret over it. I have been taught by a dancing instructor since I was three. That instructor is a master dancer of the Arion imperial court. That person has been praised with having talent at the age of three.”

• The last sentence seemed strange, I didn't quite know what to make of it. I thought it might have seemed strange because Ineli is saying that she has never been taught (she is her own instructor) in a conceited and convoluted manner? If that's the case, then maybe things should be left as is (I can't think of any specific changes to make).

• She was taught at the age of three by an instructor who, coincidentally, was named as one with talent also at the age of 'three'.

As Ineli showed her approval, she intently watched Vileena, whose eyes were screwed up.

• I wasn't sure exactly what it means for someone's eyes to be screwed up. My guess, which is somewhat corroborated by google, is that it is or is similar to the state of suppressing tears where the muscles under the eye and eyelids scrunch together. So I'm suspicious this is just a random lapse in my vocabulary and that everything is fine, but I'm just double checking.

• Yea, that's what it's supposed to mean. Though I usually don't associate the action with suppressing tears, but more of a frowning gesture with one's eyelids showing disapproval/dislike.

She was sent for not only by tutors within Mephius, but also from those around the world of different varieties of styles, and was confident in her own sense of style.

• This ties in to my earlier uncertainty about whether Ineli's dancing was self-taught. If she's not self-taught, then shouldn't she be the one sending for tutors? If she is self-taught, I still wouldn't expect tutors to send for her, but I guess the tutors want to be taught by her so they can teach their students?

• I'll double-check the raws. I think they just wanted the privilege to be the one to educate the princess?

• OK, I guess that makes sense.

During tea talks, the subject of their gossip would shift towards Vileena. And, whilst she stayed in the same country, her situation of being holed up in the women’s chambers was strangely exaggerated. Today, they passed by each other and exchanged glances, and with the slightest of efforts Vileena caught the attention of her surroundings, the very thought of which Ineli could not stomach.

• The last two sentences, particularly the last, seemed a little awkward to me. Though I'm having trouble coming up with a suggested revision right at the moment. If nothing is apparent to you, then I suggest skipping this. I might come back and add a suggestion when I get to finishing part 3.

• Maybe, "Just today, they passed by each other and exchanged glances, and with the slightest of efforts Vileena caught the attention of her surrounds. The very thought of this sickened her." It's a slight alteration ins structure. You can decide whether or not to use it.

and breathes of sighs leaked out from the observing members

• Suggestion that "breathes of sighs" can be reduced to "sighs" as more natural sounding.

• CaM

Stealthy giggles were sneaked from the surroundings.

• Suggested revision to "Stealthy giggles sneaked out from the surroundings."

• CaM

And then using the rotation of her hips, hurled the startledly hopping Baton.

• "startledly" is something else that's not an actual word even though most people likely understand the intent. "the startled, hopping Baton" would be a more technically correct alternative. Also, this sentence is technically missing a noun (she), but it works ok carrying over from the previous sentence if you want to leave it as is.

CaM. It's meant to be a sentence carry. Was a bit conflicted on whether to use a comma, period, or semi-colon though.

Baton fell face flat onto the floor.

• "fell face first" or "fell flat on his face" might be more common phrasing than "face flat." Though, "face flat" does have a reasonable number of google hits so maybe it's not too uncommon even though it seems off to me.

• Changed to "face first"

and donned a mask was the once former gladiator.

• "once" could be removed, unless that unusual pairing of "once former" was intentional.

• Ahaha, this instance I actually added 'once' out of personal preference. I guess this could also be considered another of the many minor faults in my writing. CaM.

The branches of the forest rustled, the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fires, and gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests as they watched the unfolding scene take place.

• Two suggested possible revisions:

- the fountain was bathed in an attractive golden light under the fires

- the fountain was bathed in an attractive gold under the light of the fires

• Hmm. Changed to "The branches of the forest rustled and the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fire lights as gentle smiles..". Using 'fountain was bathed' changes the feel of the sentence and makes it seem somewhat less....romantic/lively.

• I think that change still has the problem that 'golden' is an adjective, but it isn't followed by a noun to modify. That's why my revisions changed it to either 'gold' (it's own noun) or added the noun 'light'.

• Oh, so that was the point. Golden is a noun in this sentence. Refer to http://www.learnersdictionary.com/blog.php?action=ViewBlogArticle&ba_id=33 for some more common examples. Verbs can also be modified this way, i.e. Let me buy you a drink, or He scored a win in which case verbs were changed into nouns. It's just this method of nomalization isn't quite as often used with colors, which is why you found it weird.

• Hmm.. I'm going to do one more round of counter-discussion and then be done. Your examples of verbs as nouns is a little different because the noun forms have their own entries in the dictionary. But the examples in the dictionary blog link are certainly adjectives that are used as nouns. However, I would say a key part of those examples is that they are preceded by 'the' (rather than 'a') and are used to describe groups of people (plural). If I wanted to use that form as singular, then I would word it as 'one of the ___'. This blog list those two points out as rules, but you could argue that it's not as reliable since it's just some random site. I'm not really a grammar expert, but I feel pretty confident that the current use of 'golden' as a noun isn't strictly correct. Of course not all uses of language in literature are strictly correct, so from that perspective it's not required even if I am right.

• I'll also end this with one more round of counter-discussions. I'll first point out the second suggestion you provided, (the fountain was bathed in an attractive gold under the light of the fires). The use of gold here is much less commonly used than 'golden'. The adj. 'golden' was used mainly to prevent confusion between the monetary commodity that is 'gold' from being confused with the color that represents gold. Take for example, "a gold statue". It's impossible to tell whether the statue is made of gold, or simply golden in color. So when specifically referring to colors, 'golden' is preferably used. My sentence isn't really any different besides a slight rephrasing and using 'golden' in place of 'gold'. Here's some more examples of sentences that employs colours as nouns. (Note: Any of the colors can be replaced with 'golden' and still be grammmatically correct.

His hair is black.

The blood dyed his clothes red.

His cheeks flushed pink.

-The usage of 'bathe' is slightly different in that it is a passive verb, and is used in the format 'to be bathed in'. 'Bathed in red light', 'Bathed in golden light' are correct as a standalone sentence, but provided a relative clause, 'Bathed in an attractive red/golden(light) under the fire lights' can be used and adheres to the 'ellipsing of noun phrases' as mentioned in the link you provided. See the redundancy that would have resulted should 'lights' be mentioned twice, when its meaning is apparent in the sentence? I also feel like I've come across sentences written using this style in the more olden literature. Not that any names are coming up right now, so that doesn't really mean much...

The branches of the forest rustled, the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fire lights, as gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests as they watched the unfolding scene take place.

• The revision changed 'and' to 'as'. I thought it worked better with 'and'. But if keeping 'as', then I'd suggest changing the "guests as they watched" to get rid of the double use of 'as'; one way to do that might be changing to "guests watching the". Also, the ending 'take place' might be a little redundant with 'unfolding', but it's not too cumbersome if you like it as is.

• Thanks for pointing that out. I missed adding the conjunction 'and' in the sentence as well. I've revised it to "The branches of the forest rustled and the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fire lights, as gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests watching the scene unfold before them."

Part 3

Ineli’s face dyed red, and then slowly paled, after which immediately following, she defiantly turned her back and walked away.

• 'after' and 'immediately following' seemed a little redundant to me. I want to say 'immediately following which' would work, but I'm not quite sure here, so you should probably go with (or keep) what sounds best to you.

Changed to ",after which, she defiantly turned her back and immediately walked away."

The couples that formed as fast as they dispersed

• I feel like reversing the order to "The couples dispersed as fast as they formed" would be more natural.

• CaM

“You’ve been one since what happened at Zaim Fortress, haven’t you? For a hero to be in such a place by himself isn’t right. Why don’t you go over there and have a toast with everyone?”

• In the first sentence, I think "one" refers to 'a hero' based on its use in the second sentence? If so, I suggest replacing "one" with "a hero" to clarify.

• Yea, that was how the book worded it. So just a question before I decide to change it the way you mentioned. If I slightly modified the second sentence to start with "For one as a hero", would it fix this obscurity?

• Even though I asked for clarification, the overall obscurity isn't that big of an issue, so the second sentence may not need to be changed. What actually caught me while reading was the first sentence and the fact that 'the one' is used before 'a hero'; so I read the first sentence without understanding what 'the one' referred to, until I got to the second sentence. That was why my suggestion was to replace 'the one' with 'a hero', so that it was given explicitly in the first sentence (the second sentence's 'a hero' could be changed to 'one' in that case, or just left as is). I don't know how that compares to the original; if that lack of information in the first sentence is a result of differing sentence structure or styles of reading order between the two languages.

Vileena’s unusual talkativity might have been due to the night’s darkness.

• 'talkativity' is another one of those words that aren't quite actual words, but everyone would know what it means so it's not that important. 'Talkativeness' could be a replacement if you wanted to replace it.

• Ahaha. I made that word up because 'unusual talkativeness' hurt my ears as I typed it out. One other alternative is reworded the sentence(screw keeping noun/verbs intact for every sentence) to "Vileena was unusually talkative, possibly due to the night's darkness." Which one do you like better? (Unless you can think of a noun in place of 'talkativity' besides talkativeness. Closest I could think of was rambling, but it has a slight negative connotation.)

• An alternative is loquaciousness, but I think that's worse; I only mention it because loquacious is an awesome word that I'd probably never use. 'Unusual talkativeness' doesn't particularly hurt my ears, but your alternative also sounds just a good to me.

• That's a word I've seen less than I can count. But if I believe loquacious is a word used to describe a trait. In this situation, 'talkative' is a state of being rather than a trait, so unfotunately that word woudln't work.

And it’s not as if I’ve changed as I was in the past.

• Suggesting changing last part to "I've changed from how I was in the past" or "I'm different than I was in the past".

• Changed to first option.

All of his thoughts, he speaks them out regardless.

• Suggested change to: "He speaks all of thoughts out loud regardless."

• This is part of his broken quick-talking, so I'm keeping it as is.

“I’m sure Theresia is rather happy to have a reason to drink,” Vileena held back a chuckle. // “Well then, let us go. Theresia gets scary when drunk.”

• Suggested change to remove the blank lines (represented by '//') because Vileena is the one speaking both lines. It's probably a matter of style or preference though.

• I think these line breaks without changing speakers is sometimes used to indicate a "pause" before they speak again. I think Dohma got confused by this in Chapter 5 at one point too. I'll check what he did when I do the edits and go along with how he handled it.

“No—sorry Theresia, but there’s a place I want to visit.” // “Hm? The princess had hoped to covet much more of the festival to come, because I would buy and give you the many coloured balloons the next day. You would carry a whole bunch of them and most of all, enjoy running about with them outside, did you not?”

• Theresia's reply to Vileena doesn't seem to match up to Vileena's statement. If Theresia's line is supposed to be a reply and match, then I think the tenses in the first statement would be better in present. In that case I would have expected something like "Hm? Were you looking forward to more of the festival tonight, ...?" But it could be because Theresia is drunk at this point, and that the line is not supposed to be a direct on-topic reply.

• Rather than matching for a direct reply, Theresia is trying to offer up a reason for how she finds Vileena's current actions right before the festival

• The first sentence of Theresia's repy seems strange in general. She is talking about past festivals, but the tenses and word choice make it difficult for me to understand if she is talking about the plans for current festival, past festivals, festivals in general, or two of those in the first sentence.

• The first sentence is in reference to her expectations based on the past. The second sentence is in simple past, thus the differences in tense.

He had Dinn to hurrily help him change clothes

• 'hurrily' as another not actual word. 'Hastily' or 'quickly' are some alternatives if you wanted to change it.

• Changed to "He hurried Dinn to quickly help him change his clothes." (Question: Does adding 'quickly' make it too redundant here? Added it for a sense of urgency, but....the sentences I write tend to be overly redundant quite often, so just for a 2nd opinion)

• It's a little redundant, but I don't think it's that bad, so it's probably fine.

In the end, with only two or three harmless talks, Vileena immediately stood up from her seat.

• Suggested change of "talks" to "comments".

• The raws used the word for 'talks/conversation' here, implying that they had a few 'short' exchanges in addition to the one where she asked his condition.

• I would use 'exchanges' then. To me, a talk/conversation encompasses all comments and exchanges in a given sitting. And multiple talks are delineated by breaks of extended time without conversation.

• CaM.

That time he returned from the Saian residence, she had raised the issue about Kaiser and absolutely would not approve it. All the more reason to prove she had established Mephius as her second home.

• Second sentence: Current wording implies it was a reason to find proof, but it is really referring to the proof itself. Suggested revision to "All the more proof that she had".

• CaM

he had finally now at long last caught hold of some clues related to Apta Fortress.

• The 'finally' and 'long last' are a bit redundant with each other. I would actually suggest removing "finally now", and moving "at long last" to the end. So that it would be "he had caught hold ... Fortress at long last." But that's not the only way to fix the redundancy.

• Hmm. Rather than fixing it, this edit seems more like an attempt to conceal this redundancy by moving them further apart. I'll remove 'at long last'.

From the main building of the Mephian palace, in the outer palace situated near the ground stood a similarly small tower.

• Suggesting starting sentence with "Away from ...". Also, in the second sentence, I'm not sure what it means to say that a building (I'm actually not sure whether it's supposed to be the outer palace or the tower) is 'near the ground'. My interpretation that I consider the likeliest is that the small tower was part of the larger building of the 'outer palace', and the small tower was near ground level. If that's the case I suggest "situated near ground level" and also moving that segment to the end of the sentence.

• CaM. To the second comment, you mean, "In the outer palace stood a similarly small tower situated near ground level"?

• Yes, that would be my suggestion for the second sentence.

... he had gone out of his way to volunteer as an envoy for Mephius’ founding anniversary. His country had also agreed it. He was the first to charge past the others in following up on the discussion as to the assignment of the congratulatory envoy.

• I'm not really sure what the last sentence is supposed to mean. My best guess was basically the same thing as the first sentence, but that seems a little redundant. It doesn't change the redundancy, but this would be the sentence I'd use with various changes: "He had charged past the others to be the first in following up on the discussion of the assignment for the congratulatory envoy."

• CaM. That line is a sort of umm....a followup that comes before the line he speaks "At present I've laid out my hand,"

The very smiling countenance he had shown in front of Ineli and Orba had been flung off.

• Suggesting removing "very", for some reason I feel like that expression is only used when the two things are the same.

• CaM

In the past, he was the one who designed the stratagem at the time Oubary had attacked Apta Fortress.

• Wasn't he (Noue) the one who was attacking, and Oubary was defending?

• Changed to "In the past, he was the one who designed the stratagem on the attack on Apta Fortress where General Oubary was present." As a side question, is 'designed the strategem' or 'devised the strategem' more correct? They both seem to work.

• I missed this question earlier, and you already revised it, but I'll answer anyways. I agree that both work. For me, 'devised' is more often used when it involves some degree of creativity or cleverness, and 'designed' is a more neutral or general use word. But that could just be unique to my word sense.

• No, there is a difference between the two. I think devise is used in more specific contexts. "Devise a strategem for this specific situation" as opposed to "Design a strategem for this type of situation". Like you said, devise tends to denote a certain degree of ingenuity, so I ultimately went with that. Thanks for confirming.

And Noue, as if evident to say, “Oh no it’s all over,” had his main force retreat.

• Suggesting changing italicized portion to "as if saying".

• I don't see the point of this change.

• I don't recognize or understand "as if evident to say" as a phrase. My suggestion was based on context. Google doesn't give any hits for that phrase, so that means it is a particularly unusual combination of words. If I were to try to parse and understand that phrase by itself, I would have guessed it meant something like "as if it was the obvious thing to say". Perhaps that was the intent, but it was different from my guess based on context.

• 'As if evident to say' is my literary transformation of 'as if obviously saying something along the lines of' ("Oh no, it's all over"). 'As if saying' would seem to be an oversimplification to me, so I'll keep this sentence as is.

However, the forces situated at Apta who had repelled the previously fierce cavalry assault had grown conceited, and for this very reason, had called back for reinforcements too late.

• This is pretty minor, but I think "called back" could just be "called".

• CaM

Noue deployed the unscathed airship unit, which until then had been held in reserve, and made the soldiers encamping the fortress fall in the blink of an eye, after which by means of militaristic capabilities, he sieged the castle.

• The "by means of militaristic capabilities" seems a little strange (how else would you lay siege to castle other than militaristic means?). Also, particularly if that phrase stays as is, I suggest moving it to the end so you'd have "after which he sieged the castle by ..."

• Yea you're right, it's redundant. Changed to "...in the blink of an eye, thereafter laying siege on the castle."

He had successfully retaken the fortress in under a month.

• I skimmed through volume 1 (it's possible I still missed something), and the translation there seemed to imply Apta had always been in Mephius's possession before then, so I was confused by "retaken".

• Oops. Thanks for catching that. "successfully seized the fortress in under a month."

Six years ago. // Right. At that time, I had met Ryucown.

• I think "had" could be removed. I think the use of 'had' here implies he already know Ryucown at that time; but I thought the intent was to say he met Ryucown for the first time then.

• I added had to set as a 'starting point' for his thoughts, since his thoughts began there and proceeded from then on. I think 'had met' would be more appropriate in this situation, but please correct me if I'm wrong.

Noue looked up unimpressedly at the palace, bearing the slightest of sentiments as he thought of the man’s name.

• 'Unimpressedly' is not an actual word. Also, I believe the intent was for that to describe Noue reaction to looking at the palace rather than the action itself. In that case I think it would have to follow the entire clause as something like "and was unimpressed". Or rearranging to something like "Noue was unimpressed as he looked up at the palace". Also, the second half doesn't seem to directly relate the first, so I would suggest making it its own sentence with either ", and he bore the slightest..." or ". He bore the slightest...".

• Hmm..messed up on this sentence. "As he thought of that man's name. Noue looked up unimpressed at the palace, his eyes bearing only the slightest of sentiments."

Ryucown was still only a knight apprentice then. But since those days he enthused towards his dreams.

• Suggested changed to "had still only been a". Also, the second sentence seems a little strange to me. One reason might be I would have it expected it to start with "But even in those days, he" which has a little different meaning.

• "But even in those days he enthused towards his dream."

Before he went into battle, Ryucown, who had made his way to Apta, sent a messenger by airship in his place. ¬Noue had awarded a written proposal to the pleading man. Ryucown had already begun to win acclaim as a hero. Even though he was a man of high popularity throughout the country, he was after all first and foremost a warrior surprised by Noue’s knowledge, which played to Noue’s ill pleasantry. And each time,

• First sentence: I thought Noue was the one in Apta, and Ryucown was elsewhere?

• This was six years ago. Noue captured Apta five years ago.

• Second sentence: Is that strange mark at the beginning intentional? Also, the phrase "awarded a written proposal" seems a bit strange to me. And is the pleading man Ryucown or the messenger?

• The strange mark is supposed to be a hyphen. As for how it became that....I have no idea. Pleading man should refer to Ryucown. I'll remove the 'had'

• Fourth sentence ("Even though..."): The sentence structure seemed a little strange to me, but it's not so strange that anything in particular stands out as needing to be fixed. I didn't (and don't) know what "ill pleasantry" means. When I tried to google it, most of the hits were from an old (late 1800s) book; so if it's a purposely archaic word choice, then that would explain why I don't know it.

• An ill pleasantry refers to something that invokes a pleasantful sensation in the mentioned person, which might also commonly be seen as a (possible) fault in the opinions of others.

Even as Noue laughed aloud, <!--Should a laugh be inserted prior to this sentence to serve for better flow?-->

• To answer your question, the flow was fine for me as is. And it would probably be the same if you decided you wanted to add it.

• Ok. Just wanted to make sure.

They were unable to give birth forth to their dreams.

• Suggesting removing "forth".

• Strangely, i realized this error one night before I went to bed....and then forgot about it. CaM.

Even if Noue was unable to predict just about everything,

• I suggest removing "just about". I think that phrase fits better for the reverse (if it had been 'able to predict just about everything').

• CaM

As his black hair swayed altogether to and fro, it glimmered with the shine of a naked blade.

• "swayed altogether to and fro" seemed strange to me because of the 'altogether'; if it's not necessary I would suggest removing it.

• The original raws were literally "His hair swayed back and forth like a curtain...." The comparison to a curtain leads me to think this motion occurred 'altogether', though I admit it's somewhat awkward combining the two. Yet, there is no grammatical fault in this sentence...and sometimes, that makes me question whether the awkwardness results from an improper usage of vocabulary, or possibly insufficient exposure to these kinds of wordings. It's quite likely the comparison to the curtain wasn't to represent an 'altogetherness', so much as to describe the way it moves. I guess I'll remove that portion and make it "As his black hair swayed to and fro,..."