White Album 2/Script/1004: Difference between revisions

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== Editing ==
== Editing ==
Almanac_of_Mishappening


== Text ==
== Text ==
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|「ああ、あなたが飯塚君？<br>色々と噂は聞いてます」
|「ああ、あなたが飯塚君？<br>色々と噂は聞いてます」
|"Ahh, so you're Iizuka-kun?<br>I've heard much about you."
|"Ahh, so you're Iizuka-kun?<br>I've heard much about you."
|}}
|I might be nitpicking here but changing much to so much makes it sound more fluid and less awkward in spoken English.}}


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|「お、お、お、お前な…<br>この前の教訓、何も活かしてないだろ？」
|「お、お、お、お前な…<br>この前の教訓、何も活かしてないだろ？」
|"Y, y, y, you know...<br>You haven't learned from my lesson at all, did you?"
|"Y, y, y, you know...<br>You haven't learned from my lesson at all, did you?"
|}}
|Changing 'did you?' to 'have you?' gives it better parallelism.}}


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|「初挑戦がエベレストなのはどうかと思うけど、<br>そこに二つ山があるから仕方ないよなぁ」
|「初挑戦がエベレストなのはどうかと思うけど、<br>そこに二つ山があるから仕方ないよなぁ」
|"I don't know how you conquered Mt. Everest in a single try,<br>but there were two mountains so it couldn't be helped!"
|"I don't know how you conquered Mt. Everest in a single try,<br>but there were two mountains so it couldn't be helped!"
|}}
|I don't understand the premise of this joke, was he referring to both Setuna and Tomo in some way? }}


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|「年相応の下品な冗談はやめてくれ」
|「年相応の下品な冗談はやめてくれ」
|"Stop with the vulgar jokes for your age."
|"Stop with the vulgar jokes for your age."
|}}
|This sentence just sounds awkward to me. Possible Edit: Stop using vulgar jokes at your age. It does change the meaning slightly though.}}


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|いきなり握手に下の名前…<br>俺が一週間かけてできないことをたった３分で。
|いきなり握手に下の名前…<br>俺が一週間かけてできないことをたった３分で。
|Suddenly shaking her hand and calling her by her first name...<br>He did everything I couldn't do for a week in merely three minutes.
|Suddenly shaking her hand and calling her by her first name...<br>He did everything I couldn't do for a week in merely three minutes.
|}}
|Change 'for' to 'in'}}


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|「まさか君が参加してくれるなんて奇跡だ。<br>助かる。本当にピンチだったんだよボーカル。<br>学園祭、盛り上げていこうな？」
|「まさか君が参加してくれるなんて奇跡だ。<br>助かる。本当にピンチだったんだよボーカル。<br>学園祭、盛り上げていこうな？」
|"It's a miracle that you've even come to join us.<br>We're in your debt. We really needed a vocalist.<br>Let's make sure this event's a blast!"
|"It's a miracle that you've even come to join us.<br>We're in your debt. We really needed a vocalist.<br>Let's make sure this event's a blast!"
|}}
|Change 'needed' to 'need'. Using 'needed' holds the implication that they don't need one anymore. }}


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|「そんなの全然ＯＫ。何しろまだ一月もあるんだ。<br>これから練習してけば余裕で間に合うって」
|「そんなの全然ＯＫ。何しろまだ一月もあるんだ。<br>これから練習してけば余裕で間に合うって」
|"That's totally fine. We still have a month, anyway.<br>We'll make it if we start practicing now."
|"That's totally fine. We still have a month, anyway.<br>We'll make it if we start practicing now."
|}}
|Unnecessary comma before 'anyway'.}}


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|それでも、幾度も飛び掛ろうとする武也を抑えて、<br>粘り強く交渉を進めたのは、性格はともかく<br>あのピアノに魅せられたからだったんだけど。
|それでも、幾度も飛び掛ろうとする武也を抑えて、<br>粘り強く交渉を進めたのは、性格はともかく<br>あのピアノに魅せられたからだったんだけど。
|Even so, many times I'd keep Takeya from taking off, and what kept us in persevering in this discussion, was how enchanted we were by the piano, save for the personality.
|Even so, many times I'd keep Takeya from taking off, and what kept us in persevering in this discussion, was how enchanted we were by the piano, save for the personality.
|}}
|This sentence does sound awkward but there is really no way I see fit to make it more fluid without changing the phrasing and implication of the sentence. 'Possible Edit: Even so, I kept Takeya from taking off many times, our perserverance in this discussion kept by how enchanted we were by his piano skill, save for the personality.' Nitpicking for the 'piano' part, colloquially it does work but it looks awkward in written form. }}


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|お隣が向こうから話しかけてくるなんて、<br>月に一度あるかないかってのに、<br>そんな千載一遇の機会を自分からドブに捨ててどうする。
|お隣が向こうから話しかけてくるなんて、<br>月に一度あるかないかってのに、<br>そんな千載一遇の機会を自分からドブに捨ててどうする。
|What am I doing; throwing away the lifetime opportunity of getting to talk with the neighboring student, who speaks perhaps once a month, coming to talk to me?
|What am I doing; throwing away the lifetime opportunity of getting to talk with the neighboring student, who speaks perhaps once a month, coming to talk to me?
|}}
|I don't understand the usage of the semicolon. Adding the semicolon holds the implication that the two clauses are independent, in which case a question mark would be more appropriate. If they are not independent, the sentence should be something like "What am I doing throwing away...". A hyphen would be better than a semicolon in this instance as well. }}


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Revision as of 20:48, 20 May 2014

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