Editing .Hack//ZERO RE:1020

==RE:1020==

For the past few days, Takie had begun to notice Junka showing a lack of concentration and signs of irritability.

On the surface, she was clearly trying to act as though everything was normal, but her body language was stiffer, and her expressions always seemed a bit forced.

In addition to that, she was eating even less than usual.

Yesterday, she’d only had half a glass of orange juice for breakfast. And for dinner after school, she had picked up her chopsticks, but didn’t touch anything on her plate. She suspected that her school lunch had likewise gone untouched except for her milk.

She wanted to ask what was wrong, but Takie knew that Junka would not give up the truth so easily.

She wasn’t staying quiet because she thought no one would understand; it was because she didn’t want to worry anyone.

But whether out of concern or respect, Junka seemed to consider her issue something she couldn’t let others find out about. That was why she was forcing herself to act normal. She was trying to erase any sign that she was troubled.

But what could be troubling her to such an extent that she thought she had to hide it?

It almost seemed like she was trying to erase herself from the world entirely.

And when she had that thought, Takie was horrified.

Then not a second later, she heard the sound of shattering glass behind her.

Takie screamed and spun around.

“……I’m sorry.”

Junka stared down at the broken pieces of glass scattered around her feet in dismay.

“I dropped my glass. I was going to get some water.”

“Don’t move. I’ll get the vacuum cleaner.”

Takie moved quickly to get to the storage.

She hadn’t needed to tell Junka that, because she didn’t even try to move away – like a mechanical doll with dead batteries.

Takie sucked up the shards of glass around her and silently wiped the floor with a rag.

Then she motioned for Junka to change out of her wet slippers and made a pot of tea.

“Come on, Jun dear. Let’s have some tea.”

Takie suggestion sounded almost more like a command, so Junka just nodded and sat back down in her chair.

The refreshing aroma of herbal tea filled the kitchen.

“Drinking all those cold drinks isn’t good for you.”

Takie slid the cup of tea in front of Junka.

Then she watched Junka pick it up and take a sip. After making sure that she had swallowed it properly, Takie let out a quiet sigh of relief.

“How is it? Do you like it?”

“It’s sweet. Did you add sugar?”

“Licorice, actually.”

“Oh,”

Junka stared at the yellow-tinted liquid with fascination.

But she didn’t take another sip.

“Jun dear, have you been eating your sweets?”

“Huh?”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s just potato chips or something, but have you been eating your snacks?”

Junka raised an eyebrow, not sure why her grandmother was asking that question.

“Not too much, I don’t think.”

“No, I’m not asking if you’ve been eating too much of them, I’m asking the opposite this time.”

“The opposite……?”

“I’m worried because you don’t seem to be eating at all recently.”

Junka looked down.

She must really not have been eating. Takie was sure of it now.

When she had broken the glass earlier, it must have been because she got dizzy from the lack of nutrition.

“Why?” Takie watched Junka’s shoulders for any sign of a reaction. “I know you’re only in fifth grade, Jun dear, so this may not apply to you. But girls in their teens and college years – sometimes they don’t eat enough, or at all – and it usually has to do with how they feel about their mothers.”

The other day, Takie had gone to the city library and borrowed a book about eating disorders.

Reading it, she had discovered that there were far more cases of female patients suffering from it than male patients, and that so-called ‘good girls’ were more likely to be affected by it. It had said that a common cause of this disorder could be linked to a bad childhood relationship with one’s mother. However, looking at Junka again now, Takie realized that she didn’t really know anything.

What she was facing now was not a graph or list of statistics, but a real person.

“How do you feel about your mother?”

“How do I feel…?”

“Are you upset?”

“With Mom? Why are you asking me that?” Junka rolled her eyes. “I like Mom. I like her a lot, though I don’t like it when she drinks beer after a bath or when she shouts. I also have a problem with her not closing the bathroom door, but that’s about it.”

Junka chuckled as she recalled these trivial things.

“And that’s all? You’re sure?”

“Grandma, you’re being weird!”

Junka tried to reassure her with a smile.

“You know, a child your age is usually more rebellious, Jun dear.”

“Just because everyone else is like that doesn’t mean I have to be, right?  If I was, wouldn’t I just be following the crowd?”

“I know you’re a good girl, Jun dear.”

Takie stressed the words ‘I know’, as if she were berating a spoiled child.

“You make it sound like you want me to act more rebellious, Grandma. I don’t know how I feel about that.”

“It just makes me nervous. I start wondering if it’s actually possible to raise such a good girl.”

Junka snorted out a short laugh.

“Worry is a luxury we can’t afford, Grandma. You should feel proud for having raised me so well.

“Well, you probably wouldn’t remember, but you were a real challenge to take care of before you started elementary school. You were such a feeble child.”

“That’s not really what I meant for you to take pride in.”

“You were constantly sick or injured back then, so you’ll have to take what you can get.”

Caught up in the sudden nostalgia, Takie recounted Junka’s old illnesses and accidents. She couldn’t remember most of them, but there were a few she could.

“For a long time, I thought we didn’t need a man’s help. But regardless of how young you were at the time, you should have been able to hold your own body up for longer than 20 minutes at a time.” She explained, then added, “That was the only time I ever wished we had a man around to help.”

Junka lowered her head while she cradled her teacup in her hands.

Then Takie tucked Junka’s bangs behind her ears to see her face.

“You know Jun dear, the ‘Jun’ in your name actually comes from your father’s name.”

“Huh?” Junka snapped her head up. “But it’s spelt differently, right? His name used the character for ‘pure’, didn’t it?”

“We thought it would be better to alter it a bit rather than leave it the same.”

Takie explained that her name was originally going to be ‘Junko’ using the first character in her father’s name and the second character in her mother’s.

But they eventually decided to use the character for ‘fragrance’ instead, so her name became ‘Junka’.”

“I…”

Takie heard Junka murmur something under her breath.

But she just nodded and continued speaking.

“If there is anything you are unhappy about with your mother, please tell me. Your grandma will take care of it for you.”

“It’s okay, that’s not it.” Junka told her again and looked down. “Really, there’s nothing wrong.” Then she stood up, cup in hand. “Thank you for the tea.”

Junka walked over to the sink and poured out the remaining tea into the sink. The herbal tea – which she had only taken a single sip of – was all sucked down the drain.

“Jun dear.”

“Hmm?”

Junka looked back.

Takie had a soft smile on her face, one that didn’t look fake or forced.

“No, it’s nothing.”

“You’re weird, Grandma.”

Junka gave a short laugh.

But then a second later, that happy expression disappeared like a curtain had been suddenly pulled back.

Those few words were all the denial Junka could muster.

She didn’t even know what she was rejecting, she just felt like she had to deny it.

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