Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter3 (section)

===Part 1===

he would immediately direct his eyes at the door, to find that it never opened.
*Suggested revision: "... eyes at the door, only to find that it hadn't opened."
:*I find hadn't very strange here. When i read it with 'hadnt', I get the feeling he only does it once, but that's not how it is. Adding 'only' wouldn't hurt though.

His eyes tore straight up, and his lips turned upwards, to reveal his canine teeth.
*I wasn't sure what "His eyes tore straight up" means.  Also, I would consider replacing "His eyes" with "Orba's eyes" just because the main subject of the previous sentence (and the previous "his") was Dinn.
:*Brows might be better than eye. Imagine a little demon smiling, and its brows turning into an angle. Maybe a smiling troll face. Scheming, conniving, Mr. Burns. Not exactly sure what the english equivalent would be. 

In that time, the light-footed gladiator Aeson climbed over the fencings and walls and aligned against the balcony of the room Oubary was situated in.
*Suggested change to "and aligned himself against".
:*CaM

Aeson was a born pirate from the northern Zongan seas and experienced in the raising and lowering of the mast.
*"was a born pirate" implies that he has a natural aptitude that either did not come from experience, or goes beyond his level of experience as a pirate.  While that's not necessarily wrong, I thought it was a strange statement to make in context.  I would have expected it to just be "had been a pirate" or "was born a pirate" to say that he was experienced as a pirate.
:*Changed to "was a pirate born in the northern..."
*I also thought "raising and lowering of the mast" was out of place with the context.  Something like "climbing up and down the mast" is what I was expecting.  However, if that's what's in the original, then that's what it should be.
:*Haha, oops. CaM.

General Oubary is a general long serving Mephius.
*Suggested revision: General Oubary is a general that has long served Mephius.
:*I'll think about it when I re-check the raws. It's certain texts like these that just make it annoying to translate. The raws vary from modern writing style, so I'm not sure if I should alter that in English to reflect that. It's usually just an olden way of speaking, but still a pain to deal with. ---I think I'll keep as is. As a personal preference, I'd like to keep as many archaic wordings as possible to reflect the literature.  

Rather, because the matter with Kaiser exists, Noue will not have to work for his accomplishments, right?”
*I think "accomplishments" doesn't quite fit, in part because they haven't happened yet.  Something like 'goals', 'tasks', or 'objectives' seems to fit better for me.  However, when I use Word's thesaurus on 'accomplishments', it gives a different definition than the plural of 'accomplishment'.  That definition is something like 'endeavours', which would fit the context a little better here.  However, I wasn't able to find that definition in my dictionary and obviously wasn't aware of it before, so I'm a little hesitant about it.
:*I agree endeavour sounds better. Hmm, lemme double-check with the raws first, and I'll get back to it. 
:::---Accomplishments here represents the feats that determine a person(and his standing), so I believe it's ok to use in this context.

“Already in Mephius, hmm. You are exactly right. ''To this end, the search will also determinedly be met within Mephius.'' Of course…so this was Noue’s aim. The sword-slaves are an unfortunate bunch. They are the same as children provoked by wicked adults into fruitless opposition.”
*I didn't understand the italicized sentence.  Though this is suppose to be just the tail of the conversation, so maybe its meaning is supposed to be unclear.
:*It was also strangely worded in the raws. All this formal/olden/noble wording is actually a pain to try to translate into English. The modern equivalent would be "the search is sure to take place within Mephius" 
::*OK, it's probably good as is for olden style wording.  I just wasn't sure how much of that sentence we were supposed to understand (ie the "search" is supposed to be unknown).

“A cuirass, sandals, and bangles.”<nowiki><!--Should I word it “Get me a cuirass…” to make it more obvious that it’s Orba’s proposal?”--></nowiki>
*re your question: I understood that it was Orba saying it.

The guard at the gate saw Orba’s mask and bowed. He wasn’t a man with much of a prominent personality, but in accordance to the rules, performed an inspection for weapons after which he granted permission for him to enter.
*I wasn't really sure what not being a "prominent personality" meant for the guard.  As I understand it, "prominent personality" would refer to someone who was well known or famous.  But it seems strange to bother saying that guard at the gate is not famous since I would consider that obvious or implicitly expected without saying it, so I thought there may have been a different intended meaning.
:*Ah, 'character' would probably be better. It's supposed to mean "nothing about him really stood out" or something or the sort.

No sooner than he had entered the garden, all the men and women called out to him. The name and appearance of the gladiator said to have defeated Ryucown had become well-known. ''The nobles had mostly hosted parties at their own homes and invited those they wanted to come.''
*The last sentence seems out of place.  I would have expected it to be saying something along the lines of 'the nobles had invited Orba the gladiator to the parties they hosted in their homes'.
:*I also thought it was out of place(in the raws too). It's a supposed transition, stating how usually, no one dressed as how Orba was and with an upbringing such as his, would usually join them in a party and how it was unexcpected and all. I'll check later and add into a new line if anything.
:::Yup, it was a mistranslation. There's still much for me to learn about the ins and outs of Japanese. However, this new translation requires a word I can't quite think of atm. What's a word that means 'a place a person frequents enough to consider home'? I'm thinking 'personal dwelling', but i don't think it's right. Here's the new translation: "The nobles, as guests of the party hosted in this _____, welcomed him."
::*To represent frequency or familiarity, you might be able to just put 'favorite' before whatever word. Most of these probably don't fit, but my feeble attempt to help with brainstorming is the following (preceded by 'favorite' if appropriate): haunts, hangouts, establishment, locale, location, mansion, manor, hall, second home/house.
:::*There are some good suggestions there, that don't exactly fit with the context. A second home would probably be the best so I'll build on that one. "The nobles as guests of the party hosted in this mansion that ''came second'' to their own welcomed him. 
::::The italicized part could be reworded(if there are any ambiguities?) and substituted with 'came as second', 'was second', etc. Or, addition of the word 'familiar' preceding 'mansion' might also help fix it. If you think there's a need to make those changes, just mention it. Otherwise, I'll modify it as I mentioned. Who knew writing was so hard(at least in a style suitable for this novel)....and so completely different from reading.

The two seemed to be facing each other and chatting happily. And as they appeared to do so, open hostility could be seen within those two pairs of eyes.
*The "And as they appeared... ," seems redundant with the "The two seemed to be" in the previous sentence.  Suggested revision to the following
:- The two seemed to be facing each other and chatting happily, however, open hostility could be seen within those two pairs of eyes.
:*Duly noted. However, to keep the intended meaning, the first instance will be fixed instead. "The two were facing each other and chatting happily. And as they appeared to do so,..."