Editing Kamisu Reina:Volume 1 Fumi Saito (section)

===2===
Another bad day starts.

The fact that I'm usually alone in the morning only makes it worse; Reina often has to go early to school because of her morning practice in the track and field club. I did once consider leaving the house at the same time as she does, but waiting in the classroom until classes begin is pretty painful as well, and most of all, I don't want to bother her, so I decided against it.

I walk alone to school and head to the shoe lockers to change into my indoor shoes.

"..."

What is this...?

''Morning!'' I hear someone say behind me (of course not to me) and hurriedly close my locker. After waiting for that student to leave, I open it again.

"Oh, eh..."

There is a letter on my indoor shoes.

I reach out, but at a loss what to do, my hand stays there until another student approaches. On the spur of the moment, I cram the letter into my bag.

Oh my, oh my... i-is this a...?

I get uncomfortable. I don't know why that is, but there are too many people here. I feel like all the people around me are watching me. Whenever a glance crosses my eyes (and I know it just crosses them and doesn't actually perceive me) I feel it piercing through me.

Nobody would care about me, I know that, but I can't help feeling that everybody keeps watching my every step.

Unable to bear the gazes any longer, I escape to the restroom, and hurry into a toilet stall, and take the letter out.

Stuffing it into my bag has left the letter slightly crumpled — sorry to the person who put it into my locker.

I unfold the letter.


<i>"Dear Fumi Saito

I am writing this letter to you because there is something that I have been wanting to tell you.

Please wait in your classroom after school."</i>


That's all there is.

"Ah...hah..." I gasp for air, finally noticing that I haven't breathed while reading.

What is this about? What... what is this about?

As short as it is, I can still see that, objectively, it's probably a love letter. However, it's addressed at me. A love letter addressed at me? Really? Is that possible?



"Of course it's possible!" Reina says right off the bat.

We're on break and have come to the landing of the stairs that lead to the roof. Because the roof is inaccessible, the stairs here are virtually never used by anyone, which is why we often use them when we want to discuss something in secret (although it's mostly me who has something to discuss).

"How can you be so sure?! I mean, we're talking about me here...!"

"As I told you the other day, Fumi: you are a charming girl."

I open my mouth to deny what she said, but then I reconsider, thinking back at how we went round in circles last time.

"So, how about it, Fumi?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"What's your response to that love letter?"

"Ah—"

I had completely forgotten about that because I was fixated on the fact that I'd received one. Right, I still have to respond to it.

"R-Reina, I, I don't know what to do!"

"To start with, how do you feel about that boy?"

"That boy...?"

I unfold the love letter and check again.

"Well, Fumi? How do you feel about him? Do you know each other pretty well? Or not at all, maybe?"

"—None."

"Hm?"

"There's no name."

"Let me... let me take a look."

I give Reina the letter. She inspects the piece of paper from all sides, and eventually heaves a sigh.

"You're right. There's no name."

"...You've received love letters before, right, Reina?"

"Yes, I have."

"Were there any without a name?"

"...Hm... maybe there was one, but I think it was a case where the sender was obvious. I always knew who the letter was from."

"I see..."

I reread the letter. ''"Please wait in your classroom after school"'' — a sincere request to me.

"...What are you going to do?" Reina inquires.

"Don't you know pretty well what I'm going to do, Reina?"

"...Right. Well, it's you after all!" she smiles gloomily.

"Don't... don't wait for me today after you're done with your club activities."

"Why not...?"

"..." I remain silent, unable to give her a proper answer. I don't really know why I asked her that, either. Normally, I would want her with me at such times.

Reina gives me a bright smile, "...Hey, Fumi. You've been wanting to go to the aquarium, haven't you?"

"...Yeah. I love dolphins."

"Let's go there one of these days, then!"

Why would she propose that now?

"...Mm! It's a promise!"

I knew why, and that made me happy.




Classes have ended.

I always stay at school even without receiving such a letter, because I wait for Reina's club activities to end.

Today, however, I had Reina go home herself. I'm alone—alone at waiting for the sender of that letter.

As I gaze at an open book, I ponder over who I want the letter to be from. Kado-kun, the boy who is popular in class because he's good at basketball? Mm, I would be happy. The delinquent of our class, Ashizawa-kun? He's a bit scary, but I think I would appreciate it. How about Kogure-kun, although he's a bit strange? I would probably be a bit wary of him, but still happy. And Dojima-kun, who everyone avoids because he's dirty? I wouldn't want to go out with him, but I would be happy.

It's always a nice thing to be thought of favorably.

But how would I respond when it comes to dating someone?

Right now... I have no such plans, because I don't exactly know what would be expected of me. I'm a bit scared, and I don't know how I should treat the other party.

I guess a proper couple has to kiss? But how does that feel? When do you feel like kissing? How should I react when he wants me to kiss? Would he be hurt when I refused to? I can't refuse then... I don't want to be disliked, after all.

Right. Refusal is no option.

Mm, so it doesn't matter who gave me that letter—I have to obey and ''wait in my classroom after school''.

It has become dark outside. The school is going to be closed soon.

Maybe, no one will come. Maybe, it was a joke. If it was—I would feel a bit calmer.

I stow away the book I have hardly read and just gazed at, and prepare myself for taking my leave, when suddenly, the Mizuhara group enters the classroom. They all belong to the tennis club, so I first thought they came to leave their rackets here.

However, their eyes reveal to me that there's more to it.

Mizuhara-san looks at me. "Heh, so you waited."

"Er..."

The girls around her start to giggle as they watch me getting nervous.

"Did we get your hopes up?" Mizuhara-san asks with a grin.

"Eh, um..."

What should I answer...? What answer do they expect from me?

"Probably... I did get hopes..." I answer honestly.

Suddenly, one of them laughs out loud, unable to hold it in any longer, spurring on the giggling.

"Oh come on, that's stupid! No guy would be interested in a sourpuss like you!"

"Kaho! Don't be so mean to her~!"

"But look...!"

"Well, she ''is'' pretty gullible, but that makes it clear how serious her case is, right?"

"Yeah, she's obviously not used to this kind of stuff."

Without giving me a chance to interrupt, Takatsuki-san and Omi-san keep discussing how dumb and strange I am.

I don't know what to do.

Hopes. Right, I had faint hopes that someone might like me. How stupid of me. That's absurd. Completely impossible.

Right now, there is a clear barrier between the rest of the world and me. Transparent, yet tough like tempered glass. Even though they can see me, no one attempts to read what feelings I hold behind my face. Even though they can hear me, no one attempts to understand the meaning of my words.

It's almost like my eyes perceive something entirely different from everyone else. Whenever I reach out my hands, I can only grasp air.

Alone. I'm alone.

Someone likes me? As if. No one is interested in me in the least, except maybe as someone to tease. As a topic to laugh at.

"...uh..."

Ah... I didn't want to cry... but there goes a tear. This will spoil the party. I'm sorry, but I cried, I'm really sorry.

As I expected, they start making uneasy faces.

Desperately trying not to show them my tears, I cover my eyes.

"Aah... we made her cry. Sorry, Saito-san," Mizuhara-san says gently. "But you know? We didn't mean to hurt you. How should I put it... you always avoid talking to people, no?"

No, I simply ''can't'' talk to people!

"I think that's not a good thing, so I thought that doing this, kind of like a shock treatment, might help you. I didn't mean any harm."

I wonder how much truth there is to that? Maybe that was part of the reason, but how is a fake love letter supposed to get me to speak normally? Was there no other way? Isn't that just a pretext to tease me?

"No offense! Really! ...Will you forgive me?"

However, there is something desperate in her voice that makes me nod as I still keep my eyes covered.

"Aah, thanks a lot... I'm really sorry. Okay, see you."

Once I had forgiven them, they quickly left.

...But Mizuhara-san isn't mean. She may have completely missed the mark, but she did care about me. She does take heed of me.

Yeah, she's not mean. She's not.. mean.

"What a mean bunch!"

My inner dialog is being denied. Surprised by that sudden voice, I look up.

"Ah... Kimura-kun..."

Oh no, he saw my tear-stained face. I must look horrible right now...

"Sorry! I allowed myself to overhear your little conversation," he says with an uneasy expression.

"Mmm! I-It's fine..." These words escape my lips because I want to reassure him.

"...They teased you with a fake love letter, right? That's cruel. She... Mizuhara's always like that. You could say that her hobby is to toy with the feelings of others!" Kimura-kun rants, seeming genuinely angry at her.

Is he angry for my sake? For real? If so, why?

Okay, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to calm him down?

"It's okay, Kimura-kun... I knew it was just a trick."

"You knew it was a trick?" he asks while raising an eyebrow.

"I knew that... it would end like this."

"...But why didn't you ignore the letter, then?"

"———"

I couldn't give him an answer. I have no idea how to put it into words.

"Well, whatever... anyway, if something like this happens again, be sure to let me know!"

"Eh?!"

"W-What? You don't trust me, or what?"

I shake my head furiously. It's only natural that I would get startled — after all, he doesn't profit in any way from helping me.

"You're quite the strange girl... okay, gotta go!" he says as he puts a hand on my head with a smile, after which he left. Unable to make sense of that, I just watched him baffledly.




While walking home alone, I start reflecting on the reason why I couldn't ignore the letter.

I expected the letter to be fake — because there was no name, because the paper used was not typical for boys, and most of all, because I noticed that the writer had deliberately tried to fake her handwriting.

However, what if, as unlikely as it is, the love letter had been real? In that case, ignoring it would have hurt that person. I would have betrayed that person and his sincere request ''to have me wait''. I couldn't do that. Absolutely not.

Besides, I couldn't have ignored it either way: the person who wanted to make a joke at my expense wished for me to take on the role of a fool. Had I ignored that request, I would have betrayed their expectations. I would have spoiled their fun. I would have fallen into their disfavor.

That's why I was unable to ignore the letter.

Did I make the right choice? No, I'm sure I didn't. If I were right—

—It wouldn't hurt so much.



Reina.

It hurts, Reina!

I don't want to be '''here''', it hurts!



For the first time in a long time, I have to face that thought again. That thought I always held before meeting Reina.

Right, if Reina wasn't here, I—


I would long have—died.


I have thought about dying countless times.

I'm sure there is no such thing like happy times.

Adult people lie when they speak of their supposedly happy youth. If they don't, then nostalgia must have warped their memories, because they couldn't endure the absence of hope in reality otherwise. Thinking that back in the day, everything used to be better, in order to put up with the present.

This leads to my hypothesis:

Life is and will always be hopeless. We live our pitch-dark lives as we cling to shiny shards that appear every now and then, and then we think back at those shards with a nostalgic smile on our faces. Like fools.

However, I don't have a past to take refuge. I don't have a past to romanticize in my mind when I lose hope in reality. I have no other choice but to accept that life is filled with despair from bottom to top.

Therefore, the only place I can escape to is death.

''Don't think of suicide'', people say. But is that statement backed by actual thought? You shall not kill. Of course. You shall not steal. Of course. You shall not commit suicide. Of course. <u>The answer is so obvious that there is no place for doubt.</u> Those statements must be perfectly true. Dazzlingly true.

You have to walk an endless muddy path that has no significance whatsoever, and you are naturally not allowed to break out. What a hopeless system.

What do you want me to do? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Someone save me! Give me hope! No, I won't be so greedy. Please someone, just notice that I'm walking this path and say a few gentle words to me...

"Fumi."

Surprised by the voice that calls out to me at the perfect moment, I raise my head.

"Reina..."

Only after speaking these words do I notice that I have been crying.

"You told me to go home, but you didn't tell me not to come meet you, right?" she smiles gently at me.

"...I can't."

Even though she understands what I mean, <u>she gently embraces me</u>.

"...It was painful, wasn't it?"

I can't... I just can't anymore!

I'll depend on you, Reina! I'll lean against you! I'll entrust my life to you!

"It's okay," she whispers to me. "I won't betray you."

"—!"

I clearly understand now why I had Reina go home earlier.

It's because I knew that she would comfort me. Because I knew that I would depend on her.

What is the consequence of that?

I have long lost my balance to be '''here''', and needed something to take refuge in.

Needless to say, Reina Kamisu has taken on the role of my refuge, of my shelter.

But now, because of her embrace, I have completely become dependent on her. Maybe that has already been the case for a long time, but either way, I can no longer exist without Reina.

In order to prevent that, I have sent her home.

"...Reina...I..."

"It's okay. Don't worry. I'll... take on your burden."

Her words pierce through me.

I feel how my entire body starts to melt into Reina's body. Slowly but surely, I fade into her.

Such bliss.

I realize that this is what it means to be accepted by someone.

"Uh...gh...," I moan as my tears push up. They fall onto Reina, producing small ripples. I always thought my tears would only fall to the ground, but I was wrong — they have reached Reina's heart.

I am part of Reina, and—

—Reina is everything of me.