Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter3 (section)

===Part 2===

If I don’t make my own foothold, ''no progress will make way.''”
*Italicized part seemed a little strange.  Assuming it doesn't distort the intended focus/meaning, I would have used something like "I will not make any progress".
:*That's the intended meaning. I'll check with raws later.

''If such things were made to pass'', even the country’s management would spiral out of control.
*The italicized portion might sound more natural as "things were allowed to pass" or "things came to pass".  However, I can see how those might be diverging from the intended focus.
:*Slightly, but I can't describe it exactly myself. I think it's fine the way it is. On second thought, I'm changing it to "things came to pass"

Vileena thought ascertainingly, in the hosted party held at the Moonlight Palace this evening.
*"ascertainingly" isn't a word, even though it's something that people would probably get the gist of.  'perceptively' is a somewhat close alternative that could be used.  Also, this sentence just sounded a little strange, though I understand it's meant to transition us from Vileena's dress fitting to the party (without doing the typical break with extra lines).  I want to say "Vileena thought ___ during/(while attending) the hosted party ..." sounds a little better, but I'm not entirely sure it would for anyone but me.
:*Make your own word by modifiying a verb into an adverb by adding 'ing' + 'ly'! The proper way in "How to write English 1.1 for noobs" On a side note, what exactly is supposed to go in the underscore? Would changing 'thought ascertaingly' to 'ascertained' be better? Actually, I'm not even sure if English writing would bother with using 'ascertained' and just go straight with 'thought' instead. I need to read an English book...before I forget all the fine grammar points @_@.
::*The blank was just for whatever word ended up going there (whether 'acertainingly' or something else).
:*Oh, I thought you only wanted to suggest changing the word 'ascertainingly'. Changed to 'Vileena ascertained while attending the hosted part..."

No matter how savage a country Mephius was, there should be those that could not ignore their feelings of opposition towards the emperor’s conduct nonetheless.
*I'm not as sure on this one, but I thought "nonetheless" might be redundant with the starting "No mater how", and could be deleted.
:*Removed 'nonetheless'

''I will make sure of each and every one of their positions and views, and so that I may use it to somehow benefit Garbera, I must determine my own standing.''
*The sentence's current structure implies to me that she is saying she will either use her own standing to the benefit of Garbera, or that she must first determine her own standing before she can make use of the information (positions and views).  Not necessarily anything wrong, I just don't quite understand why knowing her position needs to relate to the information gathered.
:*Ah. This sentence. I hated it. The ambiguity of the subject was mind-boggling to a whole new level(at least for me). Basically, 'determine my own standing' = ' establish my own position of support', so that she can use it to further her goals as you mentioned in the latter half. 'positions and views' means more of standpoint. She needs to know where they stand, and also establish herself as one of them, in order to accomplish her goals. Hope this clarifies. You can fix this as you please. 

She decided for a change in location. And if at some place this topic would come up, she would attempt to join in.
*I would have expected the first sentence to be something like "She decided to move about." (something that implies she is constantly moving and listening for 'this topic', rather than just changing one location to another single location).  Also, this is more minor, but I might have written the first part of the second sentence as something like "And if this topic came up at some spot, she ...".
:*Spot is more appropriate, so it's all good. And i wrote more of thinking 'she would try some place else(one destination in mind) and if while traversing there, she came across someone speaking the topic....' So I think this might just be a difference in interpreting the sentence?
::*Your interpretation is valid.  My interpretation was biased by what I expected her to be doing.  Another alternative for the second part with that new interpretation would be "And if this topic came up somewhere along the way, she would attempt to join in." (I actually didn't think 'spot' was all that appropriate, I just couldn't think of anything better.  I like this new one best, but it's also a much more liberal change).
:::*CaM

He was showing a magnificent dance with one of the ladies, as the surrounding groups of women threw glares of jealousy and envy.
*Suggested revision of "showing" to "performing" or "showing off".  Though both of those have a slightly different meanings from 'show', so maybe it wouldn't work.
:*Now I'm confused as to why you brought up 'showing' for revision. What you wrote at the end seems to imply you admit 'showing' in this context is correct? Changed to 'Showing off'
::*I just thought 'showing' was unusual to use there, or perhaps it was merely that it was unexpected for me. However, I couldn't think of an alternative that I liked with such a neutral/passive connotation as 'showing' (it's probably that connotation that made it feel unnatural to me), hence my admitting the difference in my proposed changes.
::*Well, reading it a second time, it does strike as a bit unexpected to me. But I think this is a problem with translating passive directly into English. It's not that it's wrong, so much as not commonly used in English writing. I'd actually like Dohma/another translator's opinion on this, and see what a more liberal translator would do. Considering Noue's personality, he likely danced as to 'show off', though the narrative used the verb 'show'(could be seen). Meh, I'll leave it as is for now. 

He offered his greetings if not one second early, and for some reason quickly drew towards the direction of the party.
*"if not one second early" seems a little strange; I think it means he did it quickly?  Also, the second half of the sentence implies to me that he left Vileena (left in the direction of the main party).  However, he later joins in the conversation with Ineli (meaning he's still there), so I was a little confused on the later half.
:*it should be 'if not one second earlier'. Means he wanted to get it over with. Party is the one in the garden, not the main one in the halls. 

“Ah, could it be I’ve yet to introduce to my elder sister?
*Suggested "I've yet to '''be introduced''' to" or "I've yet to introduce '''myself''' to".
:*Accidentally omitted 'myself'

I felt it would be better to exchange fellow greetings as early as possible, for the both of us.”
*Suggested removal of "fellow".  I thought "exchange greetings" already contains the context added by "fellow".
:*CaM

(Ineli) “Just now, I have had the pleasure of entertaining a dance with Lord Salzantes ... // (Vileena)... “I have had the pleasure of witnessing this a moment ago, but Princess Ineli is extremely skilled.
*Ineli's "I have had" could be reduced to "I had", but it's actually fine as is.  Vileena's "I have had" would sound more natural/correct as "I had".  However, I thought it was possible this was intentionally done to represent Vileena mimicking Ineli's style of speech.  If that's the case, then it should probably be left as is.
:*It's formal speech. It's their first meeting, and they have their standings to consider after all.

“My, is that so. So that’s how it is. Well, it’s better not to fret over it. I have been taught by a dancing instructor since I was three. That instructor is a master dancer of the Arion imperial court. That person has been praised with having talent at the age of three.”
*The last sentence seemed strange, I didn't quite know what to make of it.  I thought it might have seemed strange because Ineli is saying that she has never been taught (she is her own instructor) in a conceited and convoluted manner?  If that's the case, then maybe things should be left as is (I can't think of any specific changes to make).
:*She was taught at the age of three by an instructor who, coincidentally, was named as one with talent also at the age of 'three'. 

As Ineli showed her approval, she intently watched Vileena, whose eyes were screwed up.
*I wasn't sure exactly what it means for someone's eyes to be screwed up.  My guess, which is somewhat corroborated by google, is that it is or is similar to the state of suppressing tears where the muscles under the eye and eyelids scrunch together.  So I'm suspicious this is just a random lapse in my vocabulary and that everything is fine, but I'm just double checking.
:*Yea, that's what it's supposed to mean. Though I usually don't associate the action with suppressing tears, but more of a frowning gesture with one's eyelids showing disapproval/dislike.

She was sent for not only by tutors within Mephius, but also from those around the world of different varieties of styles, and was confident in her own sense of style.
*This ties in to my earlier uncertainty about whether Ineli's dancing was self-taught.  If she's not self-taught, then shouldn't she be the one sending for tutors?  If she is self-taught, I still wouldn't expect tutors to send for her, but I guess the tutors want to be taught by her so they can teach their students?
:*I'll double-check the raws. I think they just wanted the privilege to be the one to educate the princess?
::*OK, I guess that makes sense.

During tea talks, the subject of their gossip would shift towards Vileena. And, whilst she stayed in the same country, her situation of being holed up in the women’s chambers was strangely exaggerated. Today, they passed by each other and exchanged glances, and with the slightest of efforts Vileena caught the attention of her surroundings, the very thought of which Ineli could not stomach.
*The last two sentences, particularly the last, seemed a little awkward to me.  Though I'm having trouble coming up with a suggested revision right at the moment.  If nothing is apparent to you, then I suggest skipping this. I might come back and add a suggestion when I get to finishing part 3. 
:*Maybe, "Just today, they passed by each other and exchanged glances, and with the slightest of efforts Vileena caught the attention of her surrounds. The very thought of this sickened her." It's a slight alteration ins structure. You can decide whether or not to use it.

and breathes of sighs leaked out from the observing members
*Suggestion that "breathes of sighs" can be reduced to "sighs" as more natural sounding.
:*CaM

Stealthy giggles were sneaked from the surroundings.
*Suggested revision to "Stealthy giggles sneaked out from the surroundings."
:*CaM

And then using the rotation of her hips, hurled the startledly hopping Baton.
*"startledly" is something else that's not an actual word even though most people likely understand the intent.  "the startled, hopping Baton" would be a more technically correct alternative.  Also, this sentence is technically missing a noun (she), but it works ok carrying over from the previous sentence if you want to leave it as is.
:CaM. It's meant to be a sentence carry. Was a bit conflicted on whether to use a comma, period, or semi-colon though.

Baton fell face flat onto the floor.
*"fell face first" or "fell flat on his face" might be more common phrasing than "face flat."  Though, "face flat" does have a reasonable number of google hits so maybe it's not too uncommon even though it seems off to me.
:*Changed to "face first"

and donned a mask was the once former gladiator.
*"once" could be removed, unless that unusual pairing of "once former" was intentional.
:*Ahaha, this instance I actually added 'once' out of personal preference. I guess this could also be considered another of the many minor faults in my writing. CaM.  

The branches of the forest rustled, the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fires, and gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests as they watched the unfolding scene take place.
*Two suggested possible revisions:
:- the fountain '''was''' bathed in an attractive golden '''light''' under the fires
:- the fountain '''was''' bathed in an attractive '''gold''' under '''the light of''' the fires
:*Hmm. Changed to "The branches of the forest rustled and the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fire lights as gentle smiles..". Using 'fountain was bathed' changes the feel of the sentence and makes it seem somewhat less....romantic/lively.
::*I think that change still has the problem that 'golden' is an adjective, but it isn't followed by a noun to modify.  That's why my revisions changed it to either 'gold' (it's own noun) or added the noun 'light'.
:::*Oh, so that was the point. Golden is a noun in this sentence. Refer to http://www.learnersdictionary.com/blog.php?action=ViewBlogArticle&ba_id=33 for some more common examples. Verbs can also be modified this way, i.e. ''Let me buy you a drink'', or ''He scored a win'' in which case verbs were changed into nouns. It's just this method of nomalization isn't quite as often used with colors, which is why you found it weird. 
::::*Hmm.. I'm going to do one more round of counter-discussion and then be done.  Your examples of verbs as nouns is a little different because the noun forms have their own entries in the dictionary.  But the examples in the dictionary blog link are certainly adjectives that are used as nouns.  However, I would say a key part of those examples is that they are preceded by 'the' (rather than 'a') and are used to describe groups of people (plural).  If I wanted to use that form as singular, then I would word it as 'one of the ___'.  [http://www.brighthubeducation.com/english-homework-help/40011-the-use-of-adjectives-as-nouns/ This blog] list those two points out as rules, but you could argue that it's not as reliable since it's just some random site.  I'm not really a grammar expert, but I feel pretty confident that the current use of 'golden' as a noun isn't strictly correct.  Of course not all uses of language in literature are strictly correct, so from that perspective it's not required even if I am right.
:::::*I'll also end this with one more round of counter-discussions. I'll first point out the second suggestion you provided, (the fountain '''was''' bathed in an attractive '''gold''' under '''the light of''' the fires). The use of gold here is much less commonly used than 'golden'. The adj. 'golden' was used mainly to prevent confusion between the monetary commodity that is 'gold' from being confused with the color that represents gold. Take for example, "a gold statue". It's impossible to tell whether the statue is made of gold, or simply golden in color. So when specifically referring to colors, 'golden' is preferably used. My sentence isn't really any different besides a slight rephrasing and using 'golden' in place of 'gold'. Here's some more examples of sentences that employs colours as nouns. (Note: Any of the colors can be replaced with 'golden' and still be ''grammmatically'' correct.
:::::: His hair is black.
:::::: The blood dyed his clothes red.
:::::: His cheeks flushed pink. 
::::::-The usage of 'bathe' is slightly different in that it is a passive verb, and is used in the format 'to be bathed in'. 'Bathed in red light', 'Bathed in golden light' are correct as a standalone sentence, but provided a relative clause, 'Bathed in an attractive red/golden(''light'') under the fire lights' can be used and adheres to the 'ellipsing of noun phrases' as mentioned in the link you provided. See the redundancy that would have resulted should 'lights' be mentioned twice, when its meaning is apparent in the sentence? I also feel like I've come across sentences written using this style in the more olden literature. Not that any names are coming up right now, so that doesn't really mean much... 

The branches of the forest rustled, the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fire lights, as gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests as they watched the unfolding scene take place.
*The revision changed 'and' to 'as'.  I thought it worked better with 'and'. But if keeping 'as', then I'd suggest changing the "guests as they watched" to get rid of the double use of 'as'; one way to do that might be changing to "guests watching the".  Also, the ending 'take place' might be a little redundant with 'unfolding', but it's not too cumbersome if you like it as is.
:*Thanks for pointing that out. I missed adding the conjunction 'and' in the sentence as well. I've revised it to "The branches of the forest rustled ''and'' the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fire lights, as gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests watching the scene unfold before them."