Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter4 (section)

===Part 1===
 
They spent some time discussing about Garbera, Ende’s movements, and also how starting with their longtime enemy, the Bozgan House from the west, new activities had come about in a group of Tauran fortress cities after which, Simon seemingly by chance brought up Zaat’s name.
*This sentence is a bit long, and the structure is somewhat difficult to follow (though not necessarily wrong).  How I interpreted it was that the Bozgan House was a part of the Tauran fortress cities.  I think it could be split into 2-3 sentences depending on preference.  The three sentence worthy concepts I see are discussing Garbera and Ende’s movements, the Bozgan House / Tauran fortress cities, and the “after which, …” Simon bringing up Zaat’s name.
:*A simple sentence break should do the trick here. I'll keep note in the future to further modify these run-ons to an acceptable English equivalent. Changed to "...Tauran fortress cities. After this, Simon brought up Zaat's name seemingly by chance." Or would 'Simon seemingly brought up Zaat's name by chance' work better?
::*I like the first a little better.
:*Ok.
 
“After that, the house arrest was immediately called off. His majesty was flaring up at the time, but I myself did not take it to heart. That is why I was free of ease.
*Second sentence, I was unsure when “at the time” referred to.  I would normally assume it continued from the previous sentence and referred to when it was called off.  But I think the content pretty clearly indicates it is the time of the incident that caused the house arrest.  So there’s a little mismatch between sentence-to-sentence continuity and the content.  If you agreed that was an issue, you could fix that by using something like “at the time of the incident/argument/arrest.”
:*Changed to 'at the time of the incident'
*Third sentence, suggesting changing to “was free of worry” or “was at ease.”
:*Changed to 'was at ease'
 
His majesty has not bestowed any punishment or of the sorts. From here on forth as well, if you were even to show your undying loyalty for Mephius—”
*I would remove “forth”, but you may have that there intentionally for olden English.  I would also remove “even”; I have trouble explaining why, but I feel like it doesn’t fit there.  The second sentence is obviously supposed to be cut-off, and I couldn’t guess what it was starting to say, but that’s not necessarily a problem.
:*Noted. I'll be keeping 'forth' and changing the second sentence to "if you were to so much as show..."
 
His majesty has been frequently meeting with a messenger from Ende one right after the next. The contents of it can be easily guessed—.
*I was confused, is he meeting with multiple messengers from Ende, or one messenger in multiple meetings?  For the former, I suggest using the plural messengers.  For the latter, I suggest changing “frequently meeting with” to “frequently holding meetings with” so that ‘one’ is more easily identified as referring to the meeting instead of the messenger.
:*As you suspected, it is the latter. Changed to 'frequently holding meetings'
*Second sentence, as long as I wasn’t too far off in my understanding of the first, I think ‘it’ should be ‘them’ (referring to the plural ‘meetings’).
:*CaM
 
If Lord Simon was to stand centre amongst them, nobles garnering high popularity and the great majority will give up their name to the cause.
*‘Give up’ implies they are losing or forfeiting their name, which I’m pretty sure isn’t the intent. Suggest changing to ‘offer’, ‘offer up’, or ‘give’.
:*Changed to 'offer up'
 
They exchanged some idle chatter and played only a single bout of a recreational board game, when he immediately stood up.
*Suggest changing “and played only” to “and had just finished playing only”.  I think that the transition to the next clause via ‘when’ would work better with a specific point in time is defined (‘when (they finished)’).
:*Strangely, this setting implied that they played one game, and ''before'' they finished, he stood up. That's why a few lines later, Oubary said "Let us continue this some other time."
::*I guess "played" implies to me that they finished their game (completed the 'play' action).  I would probably personally word it as "and were playing a single bout" in that case.
:::*.....How did I not notice that. Corrected(Ok, I'll do it tomorrow. Probably.)
 
Ever since the wedding between Prince Gil and Princess Vileena had been decided, relations between Garbera and Ende approached a state of tension.
*‘Ever since’ implies a continuous action, so keeping that, I would suggest changing the end to “Ende had been approaching”.  Or if leaving the tense at the end the same, I would suggest changing ‘Ever since’ to ‘After’ (and probably also the tense to "had approached").
:*Changed to 'had been approaching'
 
There were even rumours he had been poisoned to death, though he did appear in public before the citizens a mere two times in the most recent year.
*One suggestion is changing “he did appear” to “he had appeared”. But I was also a little confused by the meaning here.  One interpretation I was guessing was that there were rumors '''even though''' he had appeared two times, in which case ‘mere’ seems out of place.  The other was that there were rumors '''because''' he had appeared only two times.  I also suggest changing the ‘though’ and other words if appropriate to clarify the meaning.
:*There were these rumours despite him having attended two 'official' sittings, is what it's supposed to mean. 'Mere' is supposed to reflect the miniscule quanitity of times this event occurred, which aided in spurring on such rumours. Would substituting 'a mere two times' with 'a measly two times' make any difference at all?
:::Here is one proposed change to adhere's to modern grammatical structure(because I'm not sure whether solving one part might fix the clarity issue). "There were even rumours he had been poisoned to death, in spite of him having appeared in public before the citizens if not a measly two times in the most recent year." Though I would like the fewest number of changes possible in absolving this issue, because I'm a horrible writer that likes to make readers go around in circles interpreting these vague sentences *insert evil laugh* (Isn't that how olden literature words things as well?)  
::*I find it strange that the sentence represents what I see as two different concepts. #1 there were rumors despite him appearing two times; and #2 the rumors arose because he appeared only two times.  In one case the two appearance are expected to be a force against the the rumors (but ineffective), in the other they are a source of the rumors.  While those aren't inherently exclusive, I find it strange to combine them into a single sentence.  I'll put down the following revision. It's probably too large of a change, but it may help confer my thoughts or give you ideas. I like it best without the ending bit in parenthesis, but if I were forced to put both concepts #1 and #2 in, then that's how I'd do it (so that they're very separate).
::::Because he had only appeared in public before the citizens a mere two times in the past year, there were even rumours that he had been poisoned to death( despite those two appearances).
::::*Sorry, my explanation led to a misunderstanding. The grand duke only appearing those two times was insufficient to act as a deterrent for the rumours(which I misleadingly described as 'spurring on' the rumours). The dots connecting these two points indicate contrast rather than correlation, so I will be rewording it to "Despite his public appearances before the public if not only a measly two times in the past year, there existed rumours that he might even have been poisoned to death." Though looking at the other proposed sentences, they're all starting to look the same.
:::::*I don't think you intended the double use of 'public'; also the phrase 'if not only' isn't something I'd use.  And at this point I think I'm going in a circle and coming back to my original comment (where I suggest removing 'mere'/'measly').  So if we're starting to loop around, I'll leave it at that and you can make your final decision.

and Eric profused in the arts of war
*‘Profused’ is something that spellcheck and the dictionary don’t seem to consider a word, and only count ‘profuse’ as an adjective (not a verb). I see that wiktionary has an entry on it as verb, but my personal knowledge and preference is consistent with the dictionary, that it is not a word.  I would suggest changing to ‘proficient’ or similar.
:*I might keep up as profused, since I'm sure it does exist as a verb(though never used these days). But just in case I do decide to change it, would you pick 'flourished' or 'was proficient'?
::*I would probably use 'was proficient', but I think they're pretty similar and just a matter of personal preference.
 
it would seem it was only a matter of time until his demise, and when Ende would ready its troops.
*If I understand correctly, I suggest changing the end to “demise, at which time Ende would...”
:*It was supposed to be 'and that was when', but I'll go with yours.
 
(After Zaat had read the letter from Noue) // ''That cursed Noue. I cannot stomach that man.'' // '''Zaat had mentioned before that a couple of days ago,''' Guhl Mephius secretly met with a messenger from Ende. It was held in absolute secrecy, but Noue had in some way, through his informational network, grasped the contents of that meeting.
*I’m a bit confused on the bolded portion.  When it says Zaat ‘had mentioned before’, is that referring to a conversation Zaat had with another character?  Or is a strange style of referring to previous monologue or narration (from Zaat’s perspective)?  If it’s the former, then my only suggestion is to move ‘a couple of days ago’ to the end of the sentence and remove the comma.  If it’s the latter, then I’ll come back with more discussion or suggestions.
:*Zaat had mentioned it to Fedom in Chapter 1. Changed to "Zaat had mentioned it a couple of days ago,"
 
That, and the matter of Ryucown’s attempted assassination of the royal family, could also well possibly be brought up and Vileena be made to return to her country.
*Suggest changing ‘well possibly’ to ‘very possibly’.
:*Errr, I believe they're synonymous though? I'll just mention that my rather unorthodox choice of wordings are written with the time period of this book in mind. Still, that doesn't necessarily make it right in all cases *cough*. CaM
 
Waiting in the horse wagon Zaat Quark faced were the group of soldiers under his command—leaders of the Blue Archery Division.
*The way I read this sentence was that Zaat Quark was facing a horse wagon, and the horse wagon contained a group of soldiers.  That seemed a little strange, is that correct?  Also, I typically think of a ‘wagon’ as low class or for transporting freight.  If he is traveling in it, I would more commonly picture a ‘horse-drawn carriage’ (or you’ve used ‘horse carriage’ elsewhere).  But I don’t actually know if that’s right here.
:*So that was what was missing....I always though horse carriage was somewhat lacking. Horse-drawn carriage it is. Thanks.
::*So I should change any other instances of 'horse carriage' that I notice in the future to 'horse-drawn carriage'?
:::*Sure, why not. I don't think I'll have any trouble typing that out myself in future translations though.
:*I just noticed "horse wagon" didn't get changed. Was that intentional, or should it it be horse-drawn carriage?
:*Changed.

Since shortly before, he had relayed the signal that pressed them to ready themselves.
*‘Since shortly before’ didn’t seem to fit (‘since’ implying continuous or ongoing mismatching with the one-time event of ‘relayed the signal’).  I would suggest ‘A short while ago, he had…”
:*CaM. 
 
The following day, right before noon, Simon Rodloom had unexpectedly met face-to-face with Noue Salzantes at the Solon grand stadium. //  Last night, immediately after Noue sent off the wooed noblewomen by horse carriage, Simon scheduled to visit Kaiser, who had been transferred to the underground cellar of the stadium. //  After exchanging greetings, (followed by a conversation/exchange between Noue and Simon)
*I was confused by the middle (second)  line.  The first and third lines seem connected (Simon and Noue meeting).  However, the second line is talking about Noue and a woman, and Simon and Kaiser.  It seemed very out of place since it was interrupting lines relating to Simon and Noue’s meeting.
:*I was also very confused when translating this line. I think it's to explain the circumstances that led Simon to show up? I'll have to check with the raws. *cough*Later*cough*
 
“I am completely fascinated with the gladiator games. The one in the most recent year was by all means a sight to see.”
*I wasn’t sure if “one in the most recent year” meant he had gone to other gladiator games?  Or if he was referring to the festival’s gladiator games the previous year, which is what “'''The''' one” implies to me?  If it’s the second case, then I suggest changing to “one in the previous year” or “one in the past year”.  I agree that, the use of ‘most recent’ to refer to the last occurrence, but I think it becomes awkward when used during the current iteration of occurrence (gladiator games) and still refers to the previous iteration.
:*Damn. I was hoping I could get away with this one. CaM.
 
It’d be good to have him as an ally, but it would be far easier to predict his movements as the small accessory similarly to how Zaat Quark is.
*I assume ‘small accessory’ means something similar to someone who has an easily directed minor role, which in some cases could be described by ‘pawn’.  If that’s right, then it’s ok as is, but there might be other things that fit a little better (such as ‘pawn’ if that fits).  Also, suggest small changes of “as '''a''' small accessory '''similar''' to how”. 
:*Yepyep, the raws use 'small accessory'. Maybe additional rewording might be better? "as a small accessory that Zaat Quark similarly is."
::*either one seems about the same to me.

Noue observed that he too, possessed an easily manipulatable personality.
*‘Manipulatable’ is not an actual word.  If you wanted to correct it, I think ‘easily manipulated’ would work fine.
:*I think the meaning differs from 'easy to manipulate' personality.
 
Discontent amongst the Mephian nobles towards the emperor was smouldering. That was also looked into, of course. That was why he hatched a plan ''to throw but a single fuel in there'', but then the matter with Kaiser and Zaat occurred, and things suddenly began to advance in his favour.
*The italicized phrase is a bit strange.  ‘A single match’ might be a more common phrase, but it doesn’t quite fit.  My more liberal revision to make it fit would be “he hatched a plan that only required him to throw in a single match, but then...”
:*CaM
 
What Noue hung uneasy over was the existence of Ende’s ally, the powerful eastern country of Arion.
*Suggested revision of “hung uneasy over” to “dwelled uneasily over”.
:*CaM
 
Were the country of Garbera to engage this country from afar in a single battle, it would not stand the slightest of chances.
*This really isn’t a big issue, but I tripped up when I first read this because I interpreted ‘from afar’ to apply to the engagement (in battle, which doesn’t really make sense), rather than the country itself.  My word choice would be changing “this country from afar” to “this faraway country”.  However, it was probably just random that I tripped over something this obvious, so ignore you prefer the original.
:*CaM. 'faraway country' is the better choice. I just don't/can't think of these alternatives while translating.
 
And above all, Mephius would without a doubt reform its alliance with Garbera this time coming.
*‘This time coming’ seemed a bit strange to me.  Maybe ‘this time around’ would be better?
:*They are synonymous. Yours would be more modern. 
 
“How is your family?” // ''I have told them not to come.'' Kaiser turned pale and then smiled. “Milord, what of the future of the Kaiser House?”
*This italicized portion is as it appears in the chapter, but I thought it should be normal quotes (speech)?  I could be intentional as italicized thoughts, but I thought the next normal quoted portion was a strange reply.
:*Yep, accidentally used the wrong quotes. Should be normal.
 
To Simon, he was a sincere man with little to no taste. However, he felt it truly representative of this one man that he remained since and all too serious for his own good, to the very end.
*I thought perhaps ‘remained since’ was intended to be ‘remained sincere’?
:*Bingo. My typos are getting worse it seems. Or just possibly more frequent. 
 
“I do not hold a grudge against him. Just that, at the time the previous empress, Lana-sama was alive, granted he still held a fiery temper, but no matter who the person, so long as he held the strength his majesty desired, it would become a cause for celebration. But now, his majesty cannot even trust himself. In this one month, I have wept, clamoured, and cried out some thousand complaints across the empty skies, but right now, it will not serve to sadden his majesty.”
*The end of the second sentence, “it would become a cause for celebration,” seemed a little strange to me.  I’m not sure, but maybe “he would be honored” would be better.  Also, that sentence has a lot of segments, so I might rearrange.  Without changing anything else, one revision I’d do to get rid of a comma is rearranging the end to “the person, it would become a cause for celebration so long as he …”
:*CaM
*I wasn’t sure of the meaning of the end of the last sentence, “it will not serve to sadden his majesty.”  Is he saying he doesn’t want to sadden the emperor, or that the emperor won’t take notice of Kaiser?  I thought it was the second, and I that replacing “serve to sadden” with “move” would be slightly more natural phrasing.
:*Changed to "it will not move His Majesty to tears."