Editing Kamisu Reina:Volume 1 Atsushi Kogure (section)

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The perceptive faculties of a human have a certain capacity; our brains are like computers and can only process up to a certain amount of data. When there is an overflow of information, they stop working correctly and start churning out error messages.

The sight before my eyes deprives me of any emotional impulse.

There is a corpse; my mom's corpse. There is a corpse; my dad's corpse. There is a corpse; my sister's corpse. The floor is covered by a pool of blood. Whoa, how am I supposed to walk on a floor that's so drenched? No, that's not the problem here, is it? Whoa-whoa, they're dead, no? You gotta be kidding me. This isn't some TV drama. Such brutal deaths do not happen around me. That being said, this looks pretty real. Haha, hey, this is getting out of hand. I can't believe it. And what's with that girl there? Who the fuck is that incredibly pretty girl? What's with that knife—that blood-drenched knife—she's carrying? Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! It was YOU? Despite that pretty face of yours? Hold on a sec! Don't mess with me! Who allowed you to kill my family? Who are you, anyway? Who are you?! Who the fuck are you?!

"As I thought..."

What's ''as you thought''?! You're strange! You're nuts!

"People die when you stab them."

Of course they do. Every child knows that. Everyone knows that, <u>although no one actually verifies it.</u>

Right. My family died.

Died?

Yeah, they died...right?

They died. Yeah, they died. D-I-E-D.

"A...ah..." I finally start to moan.

They're lying on the floor. My mom, my dad, my sister, they're all lying on the floor, inanimate. I was watching TV until a few moments ago. I went upstairs because they got angry with me because I'd kicked my sister. Has that become a scene of the past? Has that girl stolen it from me? Is that even possible? Can she even do that?

"Do you want to die, too?"

She can. That girl can do it.

"Uh...UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

Help me help me help me! HELP ME, mom! Ah, she's dead! Anyone! Anyone help me!

I fall on my rear and crawl backward, literally wetting my pants. Of course I can't escape like this, but I can't stand up either.

She draws closer.

"S-Stop it..."

However, my words fall on deaf ears. Aiming the knife at me, she draws closer.

And then she wields it.


"Stop it! STOOOOOOOP!"


And then I wake up like always.




I let out a sigh as I sip my miso soup.

"My, Atsuhi, why are you sighing when the day has only started?" my aunt reproaches me lightly with a smile and puts a plate with a fried egg before me.

"I had that dream again..." I answer as I put some soy sauce on the egg.

"I see. They've become frequent lately."

"Yeah."

"Oh dear...why does that girl have a grudge against you?"

A grudge. Had her motive been so simple and reasonable, I wouldn't be as broken as I am now.

"Maybe you're a little antsy because your admission exams are just around the corner?" she says in an unusual worried tone. She's worried; in other words, I'm worrying her.

This is bad. I mustn't worry her even more when she's already worried about my being under mental treatment.

"Ahaha, but I haven't even started studying?" I laugh as I <u>hold my chest</u>.

"You haven't? I think that's pretty problematic, too!"

When my aunt said so, I could read the words "thank god my fears were groundless" from her face.

Groundless fears. Right, her fears should have been groundless. 

However, it is a fact that the dream has unsettled me more than it would usually do.

I started having that nightmare after that incident happened. During the first month, I was tormented by it every night, and every time I was, I was so unsettled that I could not eat anything.

But you get used to any nightmare with time: lately, I would only think of it as a "bad dream."

However, today it's different. Not only did she wound me in my dream, she also wounded me in reality again.

<u>I hold my chest.</u>

My nightmare has leaked into reality and is attacking me from there. That's all because I've run across Reina Kamisu the other day. That nightmare isn't just a nightmare; it's my past that keeps tormenting me.

By coming across Reina Kamisu, my nightmare has acquired reality. She is using it as a portal to attack me.

Again and again, she will attack me.

Now, how long will my heart be able to endure it?



I enter the classroom, just to get surprised almost as much as yesterday.

Ashizawa had his head shaved, abandoning his long, brown hair.

I doubt that one of the teachers in charge of common decency forced him to do that; they wouldn't go that far. It must have been his own will.

Ashizawa has been in low spirits lately, which is, needless to say, because he is blaming himself for Saito's death. Back when the wallet he gave to Mizuhara was damaged, he got so angry with Saito that he pushed her into a corner and intimidated her.

I was there when it happened and observed them, planning to step in if he were to get rough...no, I don't know if I really intended to intervene. Perhaps, I only pretended to be worried about her. Anyway, I observed them without doing anything.

Only after looking at Ashizawa's shaved head, my conscience starts to prickle me.

I don't know how much that incident took part in Saito's death, but I'm sure that it did have an effect. It's another aspect that drove her into suicide.

But what if there'd been someone who tried to help Saito when she was surrounded by Ashizawa and his pals? What if she'd had a comrade who didn't care about the pressure Ashizawa applied? Wouldn't the outcome have been different? Aren't we, who hesitated to stand up for Saito, the real sinners?

That "comrade" could have been me.

Ashizawa has inflicted an evident punishment upon himself like a real delinquent. As thoughtless and pointless as that punishment may be, he did produce proof of his remorse.

And what about us? We're denying any responsibility and try to discount the matter with some pity. It's not Ashizawa or Kimura or Mizuhara who cornered Saito, but us who tried to stay away from her to the bitter end.

Suddenly, a question crosses my mind.

Come to think of it—

<u>Didn't Saito call someone's name for help?</u>





Even the lunch break was occupied with the subject of Saito and Kimura because Ashizawa's shaved head was so eye-catching. Because of the great sympathy for Saito that fills the air (they all seem to feel guilty), Takatsuki and her colleagues are in an awkward position, being the ones who blamed Saito.

I have eaten up my boxed lunch and am observing my class, my elbow rested on my desk.

Ashizawa looks like a monk, and Takatsuki's group are looking like cats in an unfamiliar house. Wondering how Mizuhara herself is doing, I look at her.

Her fairly pretty face looks even more exhausted than before. She must be aware of the central part she has played in both Saito's and Kimura's suicide.

As I make this observation, she turns to me and our eyes meet.

I quickly avert my gaze to feign ignorance, but her gaze remains fixed on me. "Never mind me!" I shout in my mind as I confirm that I'm still being watched.

However, my silent shout remained unheard; she stands up and walks toward my seat.

"Kogure-kun."

Now she called my name. Looks like it wasn't a coincidence or because she noticed my gaze that she looked at me.

"So...What's the matter, Mizuhara?" I ask as I raise my head, visibly annoyed.

"You're smart, aren't you? I mean, you're always the number one in this class and you are among the best in our school year, right?"

"You're talking about my grades, but there's a difference between being smart and having good grades."

Mizuhara is dumbstruck for a moment, but eventually picks up again, "...But you're the only one I can think of to talk about this. Can you spare me a moment, please?"

"I think there are enough other people who could give you better advice."

"Mmm...I'm not exactly looking for advice. Let's not talk about it here—come this way."

Mizuhara pulls me by my sleeve. Looks like she insists on talking with me.

"Whoa, hold your horses, now. Ashizawa's going to get angry when he sees us together."

"He won't."

"Oh, really? He must be quite forgiving then."

"No, we've...split up."

Surprised, I freeze for an instant.

"Ah...I see," I say in a deliberately disinterested voice, but my expression just now has given me away.

But now that I think about it, there's nothing to be so surprised about. While the love experienced in middle school might be blind and grand, it's also transitory. Their bonds weren't strong enough to withstand the obstacles brought upon them—that's all.

And those bonds ruined Kimura.

Oh well.



Mizuhara led me to the stairway landing before the door to the roof. These stairs are hardly used, so there probably won't be any uninvited visitors. She must have used this place to secretly meet up with Ashizawa.

"We came here from time to time. Toshiki and I."

There you have it.

"You...you know about the fake love letter I teased Saito-san with, right?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Did you ever wonder why I did that?"

"Nope, not at all? I assumed that you simply couldn't stand Saito, and I don't think there's a deeper reason to find there."

"Perhaps...that's true...but I, I also wanted to help—"

"I don't care. Spare me that story."

That's just an excuse she made up.

"No, hear me out! To tell the truth...we once saw her when we met up here."

"Really...? What kind of business did Saito have here?"

"That's the problem...she was mumbling things to herself."

"To herself?"

"Yes, to herself, but as if talking with someone. I tried following her glance a few times, but there was no one there."

That's not ''that'' noteworthy; Saito had no one to talk with, so it makes sense that she would vent her desire to talk when she was alone.

"And you found that to be creepy, so you teased her?" I conclude.

"I did think it was creepy, that's true..."

I see. I can understand that Mizuhara would want to intervene after coming across such a scene.

"So? That's not why you brought me here, is it?"

"No..." She hesitates for a moment. "Kogure-kun...do you believe in ghosts?"

The conversation takes a sudden turn.

"Ghosts? No idea. Well, I do think they might exist, since so many people claim that they do..."

"How about evil spirits?"

"Bullshit."

Wait, wait, why does Mizuhara ask things like that? What's the meaning behind those absurd questions?

—Whoa-whoa, is she implying that Saito was talking with a ghost? Time to come down to earth, no?

I barely manage to hold my thoughts in.

...No, don't jump to conclusions. Mizuhara said she was put off by the sight of Saito talking to herself. She wouldn't have felt disgust if that ghost-story was her first impression, but something like fear or maybe even envy, right? 

Does that mean that there is something that made her come to the conclusion that Saito was talking with a ghost?

"You're implying that Saito was talking to a ghost?"

Mizuhara nods.

"How did you arrive at that thought?"

Mizuhara lapses into silence. It seems like she fears that by putting her thoughts into words, she will make them definite.

However, she opens her mouth at last.

"Because...," she mutters something, "...died..."

"Because Saito died? How does that explain anything?"

"No!" Mizuhara objects.

"What? She talked with a ghost and that's why she died? That makes no—"

"That's not it! Not because Saito-san died!"

"But who—"

I think. No, there's no need to think. There's only one other person that comes into question.

"Not Saito-san, but because Kimura-kun died."

I have to admit that I'm a little confused.

This doesn't make sense. Not only does she suggest the existence of something unscientific like ghosts, she is also talking back and forth incoherently.

I carefully sort everything in my head, thinking every point through logically, and arrive at the conclusion surprisingly fast.

"So...you saw him, right?"

She nods slowly.

"You saw Saito talking with that something, which by itself would have simply made her an oddball. But <u>you also saw Kimura do the same thing.</u>"

Mizuhara nods.

I pause and take a look around. Should ghosts really exist, then I wouldn’t be surprised to find one here. That thought sends a cold shiver down my spine, but of course that’s just my imagination playing tricks on me.

However, as a matter of fact, someone died on the other side of this door.

"Do you...do you think such a coincidence is possible?" Mizuhara asks reluctantly.

"What do you refer to when you say 'coincidence'...?"

"Like I said... Saito-san and Kimura-kun, they both talked to a ghost, they both saw a ghost, and they both committed suicide. Do you think that such a coincidence is possible?"

Coincidence.

She's right; this would be a strange coincidence. However, not only did they have a proper reason for suicide, there's also no doubt that they ended their lives of their own free will.

To begin with, there is causal relation between their deaths: Kimura wouldn't have died if not for Saito's death. Their deaths aren't caused by a coincidence.

Hold on...

There is no place for a coincidence there. In other words, it's the absence of a coincidence that makes that <i>whatever</i> suspicious.<!-- p108, may need tlcheck -eee -->

"You have doubts, too, don’t you, Kogure-kun?" Mizuhara points out. I quickly hide my expression. "Know what I think?" she asks, "I think that neither of them actually committed suicide."

Her face is as pale as clay. At last, I realize that it's not feelings of guilt that have exhausted her so much.

Mizuhara is scared.

The fear of <i>whatever</i> drove the other two into death is wearing her down.

"They were killed," she says with fearful conviction, "A ghost cursed them to death."




Like yesterday, I began looking out for Reina Kamisu while drinking a discounted milkshake at a McDonalds.

However, while my eyes were directed at the window, nearly all of my internal wires were used up for thought.

I had since been recalling that discussion with Mizuhara several times, trying to draw my own conclusions.

I have no means of knowing what that ''whatever'' she was calling a "ghost" is, but granted that that "phenomenon" is capable of communication, it can get into contact with others and thus affect their lives to a certain degree.

That effect killed those two?

''Cursed to death.''

Well, perhaps you can call that a "curse" of sorts.

But is it so easy to lead someone to death? No way. No matter how light you make of life and death, everyone knows that death is final and unrecoverable. People's words do not kill you; it's your own voice within that leads you there. Or an abrupt impulse. At any rate, people don't die that easily.

Or does it, ''whatever it is'', have the power to manipulate these mechanisms with ease?

On the other hand...they both had a valid reason for suicide. While words are useless against your average Joe, <u>it might well be possible to give someone with suicidal tendencies the final push.</u>

However, I shake my head.

I'm losing touch with reality; I should think it through more rationally.

Rational thinking. R-a-t-i-o-n-a-l. Got that down? ...Yeah.

Right... first of all, I should consider the possibility that everything Mizuhara told me was just a product of her imagination. In my personal view, she is an opinionated girl.

She knows that she shares the guilt for Saito and Kimura's death. Perhaps, she was unable to take the blame and therefore tried to escape by reading a reason into Kimura's talking with air, which in turn she made up either from scratch or by misinterpreting a normal conversation to her own convenience.

In other words, that ''being'' does not exist to begin with.

How's that? Doesn't that make much more sense?

...Tch. What a pathetic attempt to push reason into this affair.

Unconvinced by my own reasoning, I try to focus on the other side of the window and end up scaring a few pedestrians with a piercing glare.

"What are you looking at so hard?" someone asks from behind me.

I am about to kindly explain that I am looking for someone—

—But my words get stuck in my throat and are pushed back down until they evaporate entirely.

My skin crawls.

Something drips down from my finger tips as my mouth turns into a desert and my eyeballs are exposed to the air.

"—Ah."

I know...

I know that voice.

Even though I have only heard it a few times, it has burnt itself deep into my brain and won't leave me ever since.

"What's wrong? Won't you tell me what you're looking at?"

It pains.

The wound in my chest pains.

Fully opened again, it overflows with a liquid resembling blood —<u>as if to react to its creator.</u>

I mustn't, lose.

I hold my chest and turn around to the visitor with an iron will.

Something pierces through my eyes as I recognize her face, making me fight against the urge to close my eyes, to avert my eyes.

However, I have been waiting for this very moment.

I must stand my ground now.

"I was looking for ''you'', Reina Kamisu, for you!"

I scowl at Reina Kamisu. The more I sharpen my gaze, the weaker the pain in my chest gets.

"Oh really?" she smiles at me with a smile so beautiful that it looks fake. "And what are you going to do now? Take revenge?"

''Revenge'', says Reina Kamisu with indifference.

"I do want to do that, yeah," I reply as calmly as I can, while suppressing the boiling rage.

"So there's another goal if you phrase it like that?"

"Yes."

"I'm listening?"

"Maybe you think that incident is just water under the bridge. But not for me. I'm still suffering the consequences everyday. You're still messing with my life!"

"Well, I suppose nobody who fell victim to such an incident could come to terms with it so easily," Reina Kamisu says in an indifferent voice, giving me the urge to charge at her and strangle her to death. However, I must keep from doing so; without her I will never get the answer I seek.

"And? What do you want from me?"

Reina Kamisu shows no signs of guilt. Is she really that blunt or is she acting like that on purpose? I can't quite decide between the two possibilities.

Before it's too late, I erase my anger, which is on the verge of bursting; yes, I don't suppress it, I erase it. I wouldn't last for much longer otherwise. I try to shut out every impression I have of Reina Kamisu.

"—I want to learn the truth," I squeeze out.

"The truth?"

"Yes. The reason why you killed my family."

Finding that reason is the number one priority for me.

I want to move on from my current state of mind. But in order to fight off those ever-lasting feelings of sorrow, fear, despair, and anger, I have to break through a wall.

The wall of questions.

Once ignited, hatred doesn't just go away; there is a need to go out of one's way and erase it. In the process of doing so, however, questions left unanswered constitute a great obstacle. I might be able to stomach this matter somehow given a reason or something to satisfy myself, but as a matter of fact, I don't even have enough data to make up one myself. My questions have so far been left unanswered.

Because of that, I have no means of digesting these various dark feelings within.

However, unable to understand my circumstances, Reina Kamisu inclines her head:

"Is there a point in learning about that?"

"There is. That's why I'm asking."

"You think so...? I can't seem to see one."

"I don't give a fuck about your opinion! I'm asking you a question here! Do you even have the faintest idea how much of 'myself' you already extracted from me?! You owe me some goddamn cooperation!" I yell unwittingly. Crap, I failed to stifle my anger. Even the smallest opening in my guard won't go unnoticed by my anger.

Hold it back, hold it back, hold it back.

"You changed your attitude," she notes with unchanged indifference. "Listen, I'm not trying to tease you. I would love to give you an answer, I really do. But as much as I would like to do so, I can't."

"—Why?!"

"Because there is no answer that could satisfy you."

"Well...that might be true. My family won't come back, and I won't be happy no matter what you say. But...that's not why I'm asking. I'm perfectly aware of that!"

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Then what is it that you mean...?!"

"You want me to tell you the reason why I did what I did, correct?"

"Correct."

"Hm..."

"Believe it or not, I do understand that you have an entirely different way of thinking than me. It can't be helped if your reason doesn't make sense to me. I don't care. Anything's better than knowing nothing."

For the first time, Reina Kamisu listened closely to my words.

She gazes at me, trying to understand my circumstances, trying to understand the meaning behind my words.

I breathe out in relief. Reina Kamisu isn't stupid, nor does she hold a grudge against me. Therefore, it doesn't come as a surprise that I expect her to give me the answer I was waiting for.

However—

"And still..." she sighs for some reason.

"...What?"

"I still don't have the answer you're looking for."

My eyes widen.

"C-Cut it out already! Don't give me that you had no reason to kill! There must have been some kind of motive, no matter how mad!"

"A reason? Yes, maybe there was one upon closer examination."

"...Upon closer examination?"

"But I never really got it."

She... didn't get it?

"You're not going to find a nice explanation for everything in the world, and the same goes for the murder I committed; or was that already enough to satisfy you?"

"O-Of course not!"

"I should have known."

"You don't know the reason yourself? Don't give me that! Or do you mean that you killed people just like... like drinking water?!"

"Of course not. And just so you know: It's not like I don't remember how I felt back then. I felt... an impulse. I had to kill someone. I had to confirm if people could really die through my hands. <u>I had no other choice but to do so.</u>

I don't know, however, where that impulse came from. I do think there would be a reason upon further examination, but I didn't find one in the end. Why do we drink water? Because we become thirsty; because we would die otherwise. But...why were we designed to die unless we drink water in the first place? I don't know. Why did I get the urge to kill? I don't know."

In other words... my attempt to understand Reina Kamisu and her reasons for killing my family can't possibly succeed—<u>because she doesn't understand herself, either</u>.

I'm not going to find the answer I'm looking for anywhere in the world.

"It breaks my heart to say this, but as I said earlier..."



"<u>There is no point in learning the truth.</u>"



My wound opens.

No, a wound that hasn't healed in the first place doesn't "open."

"One more thing," she says.

It hurts.

"You mentioned that you don't consider that incident a matter of the past, right?"

Damn, it hurts.

"I think I know why that is."

It hurts, damn, it hurts!

"You seem to think that I only killed your family, but that's wrong."

Ah, I see.

That's why my wound isn't healing; because she has destroyed my ability to regenerate.

"I must have also killed you!"

Right—I am already dead.