Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter3 (section)

===Part 3===

Ineli’s face dyed red, and then slowly paled, after which immediately following, she defiantly turned her back and walked away.
*'after' and 'immediately following' seemed a little redundant to me.  I want to say 'immediately following which' would work, but I'm not quite sure here, so you should probably go with (or keep) what sounds best to you.
:Changed to ",after which, she defiantly turned her back and immediately walked away."

The couples that formed as fast as they dispersed
*I feel like reversing the order to "The couples dispersed as fast as they formed" would be more natural.
:*CaM

“''You’ve been one since what happened at Zaim Fortress'', haven’t you? For a hero to be in such a place by himself isn’t right. Why don’t you go over there and have a toast with everyone?”
*In the first sentence, I think "one" refers to 'a hero' based on its use in the second sentence?  If so, I suggest replacing "one" with "a hero" to clarify.
:*Yea, that was how the book worded it. So just a question before I decide to change it the way you mentioned. If I slightly modified the second sentence to start with "For one as a hero", would it fix this obscurity?
::*Even though I asked for clarification, the overall obscurity isn't that big of an issue, so the second sentence may not need to be changed.  What actually caught me while reading was the first sentence and the fact that 'the one' is used before 'a hero'; so I read the first sentence without understanding what 'the one' referred to, until I got to the second sentence.  That was why my suggestion was to replace 'the one' with 'a hero', so that it was given explicitly in the first sentence (the second sentence's 'a hero' could be changed to 'one' in that case, or just left as is).  I don't know how that compares to the original; if that lack of information in the first sentence is a result of differing sentence structure or styles of reading order between the two languages. 

Vileena’s unusual talkativity might have been due to the night’s darkness.
*'talkativity' is another one of those words that aren't quite actual words, but everyone would know what it means so it's not that important. 'Talkativeness' could be a replacement if you wanted to replace it.
:*Ahaha. I made that word up because 'unusual talkativeness' hurt my ears as I typed it out. One other alternative is reworded the sentence(screw keeping noun/verbs intact for every sentence) to "Vileena was unusually talkative, possibly due to the night's darkness." Which one do you like better? (Unless you can think of a noun in place of 'talkativity' besides talkativeness. Closest I could think of was rambling, but it has a slight negative connotation.) 
::*An alternative is loquaciousness, but I think that's worse; I only mention it because loquacious is an awesome word that I'd probably never use. 'Unusual talkativeness' doesn't particularly hurt my ears, but your alternative also sounds just a good to me.
:::*That's a word I've seen less than I can count. But if I believe loquacious is a word used to describe a trait. In this situation, 'talkative' is a state of being rather than a trait, so unfotunately that word woudln't work. 

And it’s not as if I’ve ''changed as I was in the past''.
*Suggesting changing last part to "I've changed from how I was in the past" or "I'm different than I was in the past".
:*Changed to first option.

All of his thoughts, he speaks them out regardless.
*Suggested change to: "He speaks all of thoughts out loud regardless."
:*This is part of his broken quick-talking, so I'm keeping it as is.

“I’m sure Theresia is rather happy to have a reason to drink,” Vileena held back a chuckle. // “Well then, let us go. Theresia gets ''scary'' when drunk.”
*Suggested change to remove the blank lines (represented by '//') because Vileena is the one speaking both lines.  It's probably a matter of style or preference though.
:*I think these line breaks without changing speakers is sometimes used to indicate a "pause" before they speak again. I think Dohma got confused by this in Chapter 5 at one point too. I'll check what he did when I do the edits and go along with how he handled it.

“No—sorry Theresia, but there’s a place I want to visit.” // “Hm? The princess had hoped to covet much more of the festival to come, because I would buy and give you the many coloured balloons the next day. You would carry a whole bunch of them and most of all, enjoy running about with them outside, did you not?”
*Theresia's reply to Vileena doesn't seem to match up to Vileena's statement. If Theresia's line is supposed to be a reply and match, then I think the tenses in the first statement would be better in present.  In that case I would have expected something like "Hm? Were you looking forward to more of the festival tonight, ...?" But it could be because Theresia is drunk at this point, and that the line is not supposed to be a direct on-topic reply.
:*Rather than matching for a direct reply, Theresia is trying to offer up a reason for how she finds Vileena's current actions right before the festival 
*The first sentence of Theresia's repy seems strange in general.  She is talking about past festivals, but the tenses and word choice make it difficult for me to understand if she is talking about the plans for current festival, past festivals, festivals in general, or two of those in the first sentence.
:*The first sentence is in reference to her expectations based on the past. The second sentence is in simple past, thus the differences in tense. 

He had Dinn to hurrily help him change clothes
*'hurrily' as another not actual word.  'Hastily' or 'quickly' are some alternatives if you wanted to change it.
:*Changed to "He hurried Dinn to quickly help him change his clothes." (Question: Does adding 'quickly' make it too redundant here? Added it for a sense of urgency, but....the sentences I write tend to be overly redundant quite often, so just for a 2nd opinion) 
::*It's a little redundant, but I don't think it's that bad, so it's probably fine.

In the end, with only two or three harmless talks, Vileena immediately stood up from her seat.
*Suggested change of "talks" to "comments".
:*The raws used the word for 'talks/conversation' here, implying that they had a few 'short' exchanges in addition to the one where she asked his condition.
::*I would use 'exchanges' then.  To me, a talk/conversation encompasses all comments and exchanges in a given sitting.  And multiple talks are delineated by breaks of extended time without conversation.
:::*CaM.

That time he returned from the Saian residence, she had raised the issue about Kaiser and absolutely would not approve it. ''All the more reason to prove she had'' established Mephius as her second home.
*Second sentence: Current wording implies it was a reason to find proof, but it is really referring to the proof itself.  Suggested revision to "All the more proof that she had".
:*CaM

he had ''finally now at long last'' caught hold of some clues related to Apta Fortress.
*The 'finally' and 'long last' are a bit redundant with each other.  I would actually suggest removing "finally now", and moving "at long last" to the end.  So that it would be "he had caught hold ... Fortress at long last."  But that's not the only way to fix the redundancy.
:*Hmm. Rather than fixing it, this edit seems more like an attempt to conceal this redundancy by moving them further apart. I'll remove 'at long last'.

From the main building of the Mephian palace, in the outer palace situated near the ground stood a similarly small tower.
*Suggesting starting sentence with "Away from ...".  Also, in the second sentence, I'm not sure what it means to say that a building (I'm actually not sure whether it's supposed to be the outer palace or the tower) is 'near the ground'.  My interpretation that I consider the likeliest is that the small tower was part of the larger building of the 'outer palace', and the small tower was near ground level.  If that's the case I suggest "situated near ground level" and also moving that segment to the end of the sentence.
:*CaM. To the second comment, you mean, "In the outer palace stood a similarly small tower situated near ground level"?
::*Yes, that would be my suggestion for the second sentence.

... he had gone out of his way to volunteer as an envoy for Mephius’ founding anniversary. His country had also agreed it. He was the first to charge past the others in following up on the discussion as to the assignment of the congratulatory envoy.
*I'm not really sure what the last sentence is supposed to mean.  My best guess was basically the same thing as the first sentence, but that seems a little redundant.  It doesn't change the redundancy, but this would be the sentence I'd use with various changes: "He had charged past the others to be the first in following up on the discussion of the assignment for the congratulatory envoy."
:*CaM. That line is a sort of umm....a followup that comes before the line he speaks "At present I've laid out my hand,"

The very smiling countenance he had shown in front of Ineli and Orba had been flung off.
*Suggesting removing "very", for some reason I feel like that expression is only used when the two things are the same.
:*CaM

In the past, he was the one who designed the stratagem at the time Oubary had attacked Apta Fortress.
*Wasn't he (Noue) the one who was attacking, and Oubary was defending?
:*Changed to "In the past, he was the one who designed the stratagem on the attack on Apta Fortress where General Oubary was present." As a side question, is 'designed the strategem' or 'devised the strategem' more correct? They both seem to work.
::*I missed this question earlier, and you already revised it, but I'll answer anyways.  I agree that both work.  For me, 'devised' is more often used when it involves some degree of creativity or cleverness, and 'designed' is a more neutral or general use word.  But that could just be unique to my word sense.
:::*No, there ''is'' a difference between the two. I think devise is used in more specific contexts. "Devise a strategem for this specific situation" as opposed to "Design a strategem for this type of situation". Like you said, devise tends to denote a certain degree of ingenuity, so I ultimately went with that. Thanks for confirming.

And Noue, ''as if evident to say'', “Oh no it’s all over,” had his main force retreat.
*Suggesting changing italicized portion to "as if saying".
:*I don't see the point of this change. 
::*I don't recognize or understand "as if evident to say" as a phrase.  My suggestion was based on context.  Google doesn't give any hits for that phrase, so that means it is a particularly unusual combination of words.  If I were to try to parse and understand that phrase by itself, I would have guessed it meant something like "as if it was the obvious thing to say".  Perhaps that was the intent, but it was different from my guess based on context.
:::*'As if evident to say' is my literary transformation of 'as if obviously saying something along the lines of' ("Oh no, it's all over"). 'As if saying' would seem to be an oversimplification to me, so I'll keep this sentence as is.

However, the forces situated at Apta who had repelled the previously fierce cavalry assault had grown conceited, and for this very reason, had called back for reinforcements too late.
*This is pretty minor, but I think "called back" could just be "called".
:*CaM

Noue deployed the unscathed airship unit, which until then had been held in reserve, and made the soldiers encamping the fortress fall in the blink of an eye, after which by means of militaristic capabilities, he sieged the castle.
*The "by means of militaristic capabilities" seems a little strange (how else would you lay siege to castle other than militaristic means?).  Also, particularly if that phrase stays as is, I suggest moving it to the end so you'd have "after which he sieged the castle by ..."
:*Yea you're right, it's redundant. Changed to "...in the blink of an eye, thereafter laying siege on the castle."

He had successfully retaken the fortress in under a month.
*I skimmed through volume 1 (it's possible I still missed something), and the translation there seemed to imply Apta had always been in Mephius's possession before then, so I was confused by "'''re'''taken".
:*Oops. Thanks for catching that. "successfully seized the fortress in under a month."

''Six years ago.'' //  ''Right. At that time, I had met Ryucown.''
*I think "had" could be removed.  I think the use of 'had' here implies he already know Ryucown at that time; but I thought the intent was to say he met Ryucown for the first time then.
:*I added had to set as a 'starting point' for his thoughts, since his thoughts began there and proceeded from then on. I think 'had met' would be more appropriate in this situation, but please correct me if I'm wrong. 

Noue looked up unimpressedly at the palace, bearing the slightest of sentiments as he thought of the man’s name.
*'Unimpressedly' is not an actual word.  Also, I believe the intent was for that to describe Noue reaction to looking at the palace rather than the action itself.  In that case I think it would have to follow the entire clause as something like "and was unimpressed".  Or rearranging to something like "Noue was unimpressed as he looked up at the palace".  Also, the second half doesn't seem to directly relate the first, so I would suggest making it its own sentence with either ", and he bore the slightest..." or ". He bore the slightest...".
:*Hmm..messed up on this sentence. "As he thought of that man's name. Noue looked up unimpressed at the palace, his eyes bearing only the slightest of sentiments."    

Ryucown was still only a knight apprentice then. But since those days he enthused towards his dreams.
*Suggested changed to "had still only been a".  Also, the second sentence seems a little strange to me.  One reason might be I would have it expected it to start with "But even in those days, he" which has a little different meaning. 
:*"But even in those days he enthused towards his dream."

Before he went into battle, Ryucown, who had made his way to Apta, sent a messenger by airship in his place. ¬Noue had awarded a written proposal to the pleading man. Ryucown had already begun to win acclaim as a hero. Even though he was a man of high popularity throughout the country, he was after all first and foremost a warrior surprised by Noue’s knowledge, which played to Noue’s ill pleasantry. And each time,
*First sentence: I thought Noue was the one in Apta, and Ryucown was elsewhere?
:*This was six years ago. Noue captured Apta five years ago.
*Second sentence: Is that strange mark at the beginning intentional?  Also, the phrase "awarded a written proposal" seems a bit strange to me.  And is the pleading man Ryucown or the messenger?
:*The strange mark is supposed to be a hyphen. As for how it became that....I have no idea. Pleading man should refer to Ryucown. I'll remove the 'had'
*Fourth sentence ("Even though..."): The sentence structure seemed a little strange to me, but it's not so strange that anything in particular stands out as needing to be fixed.  I didn't (and don't) know what "ill pleasantry" means. When I tried to google it, most of the hits were from an old (late 1800s) book; so if it's a purposely archaic word choice, then that would explain why I don't know it.
:*An ill pleasantry refers to something that invokes a pleasantful sensation in the mentioned person, which might also commonly be seen as a (possible) fault in the opinions of others. 

Even as Noue laughed aloud, <nowiki><!--Should a laugh be inserted prior to this sentence to serve for better flow?--></nowiki>
*To answer your question, the flow was fine for me as is.  And it would probably be the same if you decided you wanted to add it.
:*Ok. Just wanted to make sure. 

They were unable to give birth forth to their dreams.
*Suggesting removing "forth".
:*Strangely, i realized this error one night before I went to bed....and then forgot about it. CaM.

Even if Noue was unable to predict just about everything,
*I suggest removing "just about".  I think that phrase fits better for the reverse (if it had been 'able to predict just about everything').
:*CaM

As his black hair swayed altogether to and fro, it glimmered with the shine of a naked blade.
*"swayed altogether to and fro" seemed strange to me because of the 'altogether'; if it's not necessary I would suggest removing it.
:*The original raws were literally "His hair swayed back and forth like a curtain...." The comparison to a curtain leads me to think this motion occurred 'altogether', though I admit it's somewhat awkward combining the two. Yet, there is no grammatical fault in this sentence...and sometimes, that makes me question whether the awkwardness results from an improper usage of vocabulary, or possibly insufficient exposure to these kinds of wordings. It's quite likely the comparison to the curtain wasn't to represent an 'altogetherness', so much as to describe the way it moves. I guess I'll remove that portion and make it "As his black hair swayed to and fro,..."