Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter4 (section)

===Part 2===
 
There was a plentiful selection of meat, as if indicative of a glutton, that was more than likely to make one sick following their morning bout.
*What is “their morning bout”?
:*It refers to a morning routine, except it covers a slightly longer span of time until near noon. Here's my definition: the things a person goes about in a typical morning day
::*I guess I typically think of a 'bout' as a match, or an short exchange as in a fight.  Maybe just different word association.
:::*Yea, bout has several different meanings. It's meaning here refers to 'an interval of time', but I'm sure you already looked it up by now.
 
The former prince Gil might have refrained from speaking himself out.
*“Speaking himself out” doesn’t sound natural to me.  I suggest removing ‘himself’.
:*CaM
 
Guhl Mephius’ gaze held a pressure on ''a scale of a different dimension'' compared to those he had faced until now.
*Italicized portion seemed strange.  Suggested revision to something like “on a completely different scale/dimension”
:*Alright. But wouldn't 'pressure of' be better than 'pressure on' in your revision?
::*I think I'd use "pressure on", but I'll leave it to you.

“Your majesty previously mentioned that in the history of Mephius, it was not without incident that a member of the imperial family participated in a gladiatorial match, but the circumstances of the era were far too different and should not be used as a comparison.”
*To me, the phrase ‘it was not without incident that’ implies that there were incidents and problems.  From context I was expecting the phrase ‘it was not uncommon for’.
:*'Without incident' is correct. There is no nuance that implied it was common even back then.
 
“Up to the remaining last, they have all been heroes that do not shame their title…”
*I couldn’t figure out what “up to the remaining last” meant?
:*'up to the very last', 'up to the most recently elected heroes' etc. 'Remaining' seems to imply those currently still alive.
 
Ineli stealthily sneaked out with a smile that spread across her whole face.
*The current phrasing implies to me that Ineli left the room with a smile.  That’s not necessarily wrong, but the text has used the phrase ‘sneaked out a smile’ or similar to just mean a smile appeared on her face (but Ineli stayed in the room), so I just wanted to double check?
:*Err.....how'd that 'with' end up in the sentence? It should not be there >.>. Removed.
 
People’s responses naturally went both ways.  //  “The prince has been living up to our expectations.” //  And there being those wholeheartedly approved of it, // “Is the prince not only pulling along at the glory of his first campaign?” // There were also those who criticized him behind his back.
*I thought it was a little unusual that the narration describing the sentiments of the people went after the example dialogue of each view.  However, the main thing with the current version is phrasing and structure of the third line (“And there being…”) implies that the following sentence is the corresponding view point, however it is the preceding sentence that matches it.  Assuming the line order will be left as is, I would change that line to “There were those who wholeheartedly approved of it.”  And then the fourth line to “And there were also those who criticized…”.
:*Yea, the japanese tend to describe things both before and after they're spoken. CaM.
 
For him, the puppet, Orba, whom he had gone through great lengths to put in place was nonsensically braving away at danger that risked his life under his very nose.
*‘braving away at danger’ seems a little strange; suggesting ‘throwing himself in harm’s way’, ‘exposing himself to danger’, or ‘taking on danger’.  Something else is that the “his life” and “his very nose” are a little ambiguous.  As is, the most logical interpretation is that both ‘his’ refer to Fedom (his life would be in danger if Orba is exposed).  If that's not the case, or if you use any of the suggested revision that include ‘himself’ then I’d suggest it be clarified further.
:*Changed to "For him, the puppet Orba, whom he had gone through great lengths to put in place, was nonsensically throwing himself into harm's way and risking his own life under his very nose." Orba is risking his own life under Fedom's nose. If it is still unclear, I'm not sure how to make it more so, since this sentence does take the perspective of Fedom.
::*Well I brought up "his (Orba's) own life under his (Feedom's) very nose" because the subject of the 'his' changes without a clear redefinition.  But on looking at it again, maybe this is the most natural way to word it.  I think perhaps this is just something that the English language deals poorly with.
 
However, Orba had directly appealed to the emperor and it was already something Fedom could no longer overturn.
*‘already’ and ‘no longer’ are a little redundant with each other.
:*Changed to "could not overturn"

Just then, he happened Vileena, who ran his way.
*I think there’s a word or words missing in the middle?
:*'happened across Vileena'. 

Last night, when she had come to visit him, it remained well hidden. Her aggressive manner resurfaced now once again.
*‘it’ in the first sentence refers to ‘her aggressive manner’, which is defined in the second sentence (awkward ordering).  I suggest swapping those two phrases (‘it’ and ‘her aggressive manner’) between the sentences.
:*Ugh, I've come to notice I preserve the commas from the raws too often. "Last night when she had come to visit him" is just as grammatically plausible if not more. CaM.

It completely matched the one she made when she squared off against the prince as they proceeded for Zaim Fortress for not making a single move.
*‘proceeded for’ [edit: didn't] fit very well in my opinion.  If it’s supposed to imply motion, I like ‘advanced on’.  However, I thought that conversation occurred when they were camped in one place and waiting; so I would suggest something like ‘sought to conquer’ or ‘sieged’. 
:*Er, you meant 'proceeded for' ''didn't'' fit very well? The verb used here meant "as they were making their way towards', 'as they were heading towards', 'as they were in the process of advancing towards', with a end destination in mind. Though the nuance seems to imply they were going there to siege the fortress, I don't think there's a need to deliberately word it out. Take your pick(out of yours or mine)! They all sound the same to me lol.
::*(Yes about the "didn't").  Can I tweak one of yours and say "as they were advancing towards".
:::*Ok, I'll be using that then.

Having exceeded his emotional threshold, Orba angrily ran rampant with his words. <nowiki><!--This sentence might have to be simplified a bit since it might ruin the mood--></nowiki>
*I’m not really sure about the mood.  And I can’t really say why, so this may be a personal preference thing, but I like the sound of “Orba’s anger ran rampant in his words.”
:*I like yours better too. CaM

And still all the same, the slaves only watched.
*It’s somewhat minor/preference, but I feel like “And once again,” would better fit the first half of the sentence.
:*CaM

He held the status of a slave, and could not freely move as he pleased.
*‘freely’ and ‘as he pleased’ are a bit redundant; also, I like ‘move about’ over ‘move’.  Suggesting “could not move about as he pleased.”
:*CaM. Redundancy is probably going to be a recurring problem in my translations.