Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter5 (section)

===Part 3===

Amidst the slave girl introduced as Mira who waited on them, Pashir mumbled on about his past.
*I didn’t understand what it meant to be ‘Amidst’ the slave girl.  I would have guessed from context that line should be something like “While the slave girl known as Mira waited on them, Pashir…”.
:*"In the midst of the slave girl", "In the presence of the slave girl," etc. 
::*I like “In the precense”.  I feel like ‘Amidst’ or ‘In the midst’ describes being surrounded or mixed in with multiple objects (ie in the midst of a crowd), and doesn’t work well with a single object (Mira).

Deaths were frequently tolled from overwork and cave-ins.
*I personally wouldn’t use tolled.  I would probably rearrange to “Overwork and cave-ings (caused / resulted in / gave rise to) frequent deaths.”  Though this is probably a preference thing.
:*That would be a preference. 

Even then, it was a longly awaited job.
*Suggesting replacing with something like ‘a highly sought after job’
:*Changed to "it was his longly sought after job"
::*I didn’t think ‘longly’ was a word at first. I did find one online dictionary entry, but had trouble finding it on some other sites.  The relevant one I found is “With longing desire”, which is implies a persisting desire.  That’s doesn’t seem overtly wrong, but it feels a little off, maybe just because it’s not something I use. The fact that you’ve used it though means it will likely be your preference to keep it.

Orba could once more feel himself returning to the times of a slave.
*I thought “returning to his time as a slave” would be more natural phrasing for what I thought the meaning was.
:*CaM

Pashir worked tirelessly in the mine so that he could procure inexpensive meat from the marketplace for his sister. The person she asked for her brother’s whereabouts was a bad one. He was a slave supervisor known for his lust.
*It feels like there’s a transition missing in between the first and second sentences, something like “One day when his sister had come looking for him”.
:*Ummm...forgot a bit a text in the previous page. Changed to "His sister, after procuring meat in the marketplace, showed up at the mines Pashir worked at. The person she asked for her brother's whereabouts was a bad one."


“It might be catch of the wind,” Pashir drank up the cold, tasteless soup and then expressionlessly continued, “but I’ve heard my younger sister has also been made a slave.
*I assume ‘catch of the wind’ is a literal translation of a Japanese expression meaning something similar to ‘a strange/cruel twist of fate’?  Would that, or maybe ‘a strange/cruel irony’, be a valid replacement?
:*Equivalent: 'word of mouth'
::*I suggest replacing it with that (or ‘a rumor’ or similar).  Given the lack of google hits for that expression (minus the ones referring to song lyrics) I don’t think it’s a used expression.  Urban dictionary does have an entry for ‘in the wind’ relating to spreading rumors, but I’m unfamilar with even that one.

Before he knew it, Pashir’s hand rested on his shoulders. “What are you—” his mouth closed as he halfway muttered these words. He currently felt extremely sad for some reason. More than anger, he was overwhelmed in a pool of grief. Orba laid down his head and leaned his body against Pashir’s shoulder.
*On second pass, I realized that all the pronouns likely refer to Orba, but I actually got that mixed up on first pass because Orba’s name isn’t given to the end.  I suggest replacing one or two with his name just to make it harder to get mixed up.
:*Changed 'his mouth' to 'Orba's mouth', though I don't believe the change is necessary, since the subject was never changed. Note that the first sentence ends with "Pashir's hand rested on ''his'' shoulders", followed by subsequent usage of his, all of which referred to Orba. 
::*I agree. I guess I only mentioned it because I did mess up reading it on the first pass, and on looking for a reason, the only one I could find was there being a lot of pronouns. 
*Also, the last sentence made me picture a scene like a couple resting on each other’s shoulders, which I’m pretty sure isn’t the intent.  From what I would guess his body language to be, “hung his head down” might be a better description for the motion of his head.  And though the second half does seem a little strange to me, I can’t really think of anything that might be better for it; ‘his body’ might be unnecessary, but I also don’t think it hurts anything.
:*Considering Orba's height(shorter than Pashir's), he 'rested his head' on Pashir's shoulder, with a portion of his body also leaning against it as a result. But yea...it was supposed to be a bromance moment, but not have any implications of them being a couple.....I think at this point, we can conclude I'm illiterate and suck at writing. Btw, only Orba was resting on Pashir's shoulders. Pashir was just consoling him. 
::*Or I just don’t watch or read enough stories with bromance scenes.  Even after having it explained to me, I can’t come up with an image that I would consider bromance, so I’m inclined to think it has at least some to do with the extent of my exposure to bromance.

It wasn’t something Orba hadn’t already considered, but this plan wasn’t exactly bold, nor was it very endangering.
*What does endangering mean in this context?  I was guessing either something akin to ‘risky’ (danger for the participants), or something meaning dangerous for the targeted nobles.
:*danger to participants

Orba might not have voiced it out, but his chest overflowed with seething anger. <nowiki><!--Does the second clause sound weird?--></nowiki>
*I feel like overflowed and seething are somewhat redundant.  I might just go with one or the other (‘overflowed with’ or ‘seethed with’).
:*'seethed with' it is.

A portion of Noue’s laid out plans was now in his hands.
*Suggesting replacing “laid out plans” with “unfolding plans” if that’s consistent with intended meaning.
:*'laid out' would be closer to 'established' here.

''I’ll have you pay me back duly.''<nowiki><!--Alt: I’ll have you pay me back in due--></nowiki>
*Just to give my opinion, probably the original over the alt.

Orba returned to the palace clearly after the break of dawn.
*‘clearly’ seemed strange to me here.  I was guessing it to mean that the fact that dawn has passed was obvious; in that case I probably would have said “well after”.
:*CaM.

Being a time of the festival, the guards pleasantly greeted the prince.
*The first part felt a little awkward to me. But nothing better is occurring to me, so carry on if it seems fine to you.
:*They would have normally scolded him for returning so late, but made an exception since it was the time of the festival. Eh, it passes.

Would it be better if he were only nothing but a gladiator? Then he would '''burn the plan onto his body with awakened interest ''', embrace his overflowing anger and eagerly fight against Mephius without giving a second thought.
*The bolded phrase seemed a little strange, particularly ‘awakened interest’; I’m not sure what would be an alternative though.  Also, in general, I think the phrase ‘burn into’ might be more common than ‘onto’.
:*Raws used 'onto his body'. If you watched Prison, it's similar to how that guy tattooed the whole layout of the prison onto his body. Basically, he would 'embody' the plan itself. You can think of 'awakened interest' as "renewed interest" 

Getting a feel for the enemy’s moves and taking over their plan from the beginning was the safer way. Furthermore, it would enclose on the enemy’s guarded measures, and contain their next move.
*I wasn’t sure exactly what ‘guarded measures’ means.  I get the gist of it, but what would be the difference between that and something like ‘secret plans’?
:*You can considered guarded as having taken extra efforts in exercising in secrecy, while secret is just kept confidential from others. Not really much of a difference.

The occasion was a naval review—in other words, an air parade. Watching the ships take off to the sky was also a sight of grandeur. 
*I would replace ‘sight of grandeur’ with ‘site to behold’.  But that’s probably personal preference.
:*Meh, i think it's fine.

In addition, some tens would be selected from amongst the people to board a cruiser and observe the assembly of formation of a fleet from the sky.
*It seemed like ‘assembly of’ and ‘formation of’ might be unintentional duplicates?  If not there might be a better wording.
:*Not really a duplicate. It means the same as 'step-by-step formation of a fleet'

The mechanics were urgently called back from the festival and quickly performed an inspection, then switched to repairs. However, whatever the problem was, it did not appear to have been fixed until the beginning of the parade.
*For the last sentence, I thought it should be something like “did not appear that it would be fixed in time for the beginning of the parade.”
:*Nope. Maybe 'resolved' would be a better choice of wording than 'fixed'?
::*Then I’m confused by what happened.  “not appear to have been fixed until the beginning” implies to me that it was fixed, but not until the parade started.  But I thought the parade hasn’t started yet?  So I assumed there was an error somewhere.
:*It hadn't. It was a foreshadowing. 

Presently, the dock within Solon was cluttered with ships, and while it may be called a parade, civilian ships were lent out for money so as to increase a province’s fleet size in every way possible. The fleets of the other provinces were in no way inferior by means of appearance—Mephius was after all, a country that did not have many dragonstone ships in its possession—and they currently had no ship capable of filling in the vacant space left by the flagship. <nowiki><!--Note: This passage is in serious need or re-structuring/editing. The ideas are just all over the place in the raws--></nowiki>
*What does ‘province’ mean here?  I would usually assume it means a sub-area of Mephius, but I’m having trouble constructing the meaning with that use.  After I understand that I’ll try to come back with further suggestions.
:*Yea, a province is a land part of Mephian territory given rule to by a lord. 
::*How many province’s fleets are taking part in the parade?  Just confirming, when it says “fleets of the other provinces” is that from the perspective of the province of Solon (meaning ‘other’ is everything but Solon)?  The first sentence uses “a province” instead of “the province” implying that civilians in other provinces also take part; whereas changing to “the” would imply it’s only Solon that rents civilian craft.
:*No clue about the # of provinces. And yes, it meant everyone except Solon's

There, perchance a man of character happened to come see the ships. He was the commanding officer of the Blue Archery Division comprised of soldiers under Lord Zaat, Gary Lynwood. He held the qualifications of a Winged Dragon Officer believed to create his own fleet of air carriers within the Blue Archery Division in the future or at the very least, suitably be promoted and come to own his own air carrier and unit and ascend to an important position.
*First sentence: The style of this sentence is just a bit strange and seemingly out of place.  Nothing wrong if that’s the intentional style.
:*It can always be altered to provide better transition/maintain writing style.
*I’m a little confused in the last sentence.  Is he already a Winged Dragon Officer, or just expected to become one?  I might also make some further suggestions once I understand that.
:*He is already one. So a comma between 'Officer' and 'believed' would probably be appropriate
::*Yes on the comma.  I’m going to try for a revision, but some/all of it may fall under preference.  You can pick and choose which changes, if any, you think are good.
:::-He held the qualifications of a Winged Dragon Officer, and '''was expected''' to '''have''' his own fleet of air carriers within the Blue Archery Division '''at some point''' in the future, or at the very least, '''be''' suitably promoted and '''command''' his own air carrier and unit and ascend to an important position.
:::*CaM with fix: "and ''given'' command of his own..."

Considering the time now, I’ll have it over late at the night if you don’t mind.”
*The expression ‘late at the night’ seems unnatural to me because of the ‘the’; however that wouldn’t quite fit in this context.  “later this night” is an alternative with slightly different that would fit, but it may not have the exactly correct meaning.
:*'late into the night'?

Late into the night on this day, even when Gary brought over the arranged ship, the guards took turns to keep a lookout.
*I think ‘on this day’ might be unnecessary, though taking it literally I suppose it could be used to me near, but not after 12:00am.
:*Reworded: "Late into the night, the guards took turns to keep a lookout even when Gary brought over the arranged ship."

Although that was the case, their guard duty likely never entailed them meeting any suspicious individuals or catching any intruders, for they only stood watch and never bothered going ''inside'' the ships.
*The use of ‘entailed’ in the second segment isn’t wrong necessarily, but I was expecting a little bit different meaning.
::-I was expecting it to be something like “their guard duty likely wasn’t accustomed to meeting any…”
:*You could read it as that, but it was because they were just told to 'guard' and never experienced any of these happenings/trained against them, that they were lax. I felt 'entailed' explained this better.
::*The reason I didn’t like entail is because I thought entail means something is expected to happen (the google dictionary definition uses the phrase “involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence”).  I would say that ‘meeting’ and ‘catching’ are necessary parts of the guard job, they just grew lax because it never happened.  That was my reasoning behind preferring ‘accustomed’, but I’ll leave it at that if you consider it a matter of preference.
:::*Ah, I get where you're coming from and you make a good point. But I still don't think usage of 'entail' in this sentence is wrong per say. Let's avoid a google dictionary definition, since I find they tend to generalize a bit too much. Here is Merriam's definition: 'to impose, involve, '''or''' imply as a necessary accompaniment '''or''' result'. Entail implies a 'direct' involvement with said affair. What you are confusing here is the 'generalized' duties of a guard, and the duties of the guard in this specific case in question. Yes, a guard duty entails them to apprehend suspicious persons. However, the guard duty does not entail them to the apprehensions of suspicious persons, since they cannot perform an apprehension if no such individual exists in the first place. So this is just a slight play of words that enables me to use 'entail' in my opinion. And....well, I guess I'll add the edits after I finish chapter 6....Almost done....at least I wish I was.
::::*(Generic fan comment) Yay, Chapter 6!