Editing Kamisu Reina:Volume 1 Atsushi Kogure (section)

===4===
I mustn't worry my aunt. And yet...I have been skipping school for the past few days, unable to move a muscle.

I'm dead.

Needless to say, that's a figure of speech; from a biological perspective, I'm perfectly alive and capable of thought.

However—there is a wound in my chest that is linked to the past. As long as I have this wound, I will keep being taken back to that day and being harmed by Reina Kamisu.

Reina Kamisu will keep carving up everything I have—my happiness, sadness, qualms, dreams—tread on it, nullify it.

The only thing that remains to me are the feelings of that incident. Feelings that will give me no rest wherever I go and however long I wait.

Therefore, I'm chained to one place, forbidden to move toward the future.

Therefore, my life has come to a halt.

Therefore, you can say that I am "dead."

...Fuck.

I completely lost to Reina Kamisu.

How am I supposed to live on now? What am I supposed to do? Do I have to continue to live for year after year together with that pain in my chest?

How could I answer that?

No...not quite.

<u>How could I decide over that?</u>

I'm in the midst of a vortex of worthless thought that, even though it's worthless, tries to suck me in. Suddenly, however:

"Atsushi? I'm coming in!" a voice says and drags me back into reality.

"Okay..."

After hearing my reply, my aunt enters the room carrying a tray with a bowl of rice porridge on it.

My guilt pangs get stronger. I'm pretending to be ill and hiding the real reason for my absence; I don't want to worry my aunt by telling her that it's really a mental problem.

"Does your head still hurt?" she asks after she puts the tray on my desk.

"Yeah..."

My conscience pricks me; I'm lying to her.

...I have no other choice. I'm sorry, but I have no other choice.

"Do you really think you're okay? It's already been 3 days and counting. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

"I'm fine."

She gazes silently at my face for a few moments, and finally nods with a gentle smile.

Her smile sparks a faint assumption within me: Maybe she has long since seen through my lie, and is just turning a blind eye on me because she's powerless?

"Atsushi? It's Wednesday today, do you remember?"

"Mm...ah."

"Do you want to cancel this week's appointment with your doctor? I can contact him if you want."

Normally, it's these times when one should look for mental counseling, but since I'm pretending to be ill, I mustn't get caught.

"Yes, please. Can I ask you to contact him, mom?"

Just before I finish speaking, her eyes widen. Surprised by her reaction, I recall my own words.

Ah... I just called my aunt "mom."

Unsure how to deal with this awkward situation, I wordlessly gaze at her. Her surprised face slowly turns back into the familiar gentle smile.

"You finally said it," she smiles with a hint of joy.

"That was...that was just a mistake."

"I don't mind, Atsushi. In that case, I will just take it that you like me so much that you mistook me for your mother for an instant."

Is that so...?

Sure, I'm grateful of her—I really am—but isn't that itself proof that we're not a real family? If I were her real son, I wouldn't probably be that grateful. I would consider the love she'd give me a perfectly natural thing. I would just take her love and do nothing in return.

However, if I told my aunt that now, I would only sadden her.

Keeping my opinion to myself, I ask her something else instead.

"Can I call you ''mom'' from now on, then?"

"Of course you can! You're our son, Atsushi! My husband may seem cold to you, but he feels really attached to you, too."

"Yeah, I know."

I'm a child. As such, I cost a lot of money. On top of that, I will cost even more once I've completed my compulsory education and enter a high school. Despite all that, my uncle has not made a single complaint.

"There's nothing to worry about. We're even acknowledged as your parents by the law."

"Yeah..."

"Can you...can you call me again?"

"Huh?"

"Quick!"

Fighting off the awkwardness, I say, "Mom."

My aunt nods happily.

<i>Mom</i>.

Yes, I feel <u>averse to calling her that way</u>.

Because I'm used to calling her <i>aunt</i>? Sure, but there is more to the reluctance I'm feeling.

Why is that? Why?

Besides, I've long known that she wanted me to call her <i>mom</i>, that she didn't like the word <i>aunt</i> because it put some distance between us.

I've always been grateful of her, and wanted to make her happy if possible. <u>If I can make her happy with something as simple as changing the way I address her, I would do that anytime without a second thought.</u>

Then why is it that <u>I have kept calling her <i>aunt</i> to this day</u>?


"I have a question, mom."

"Yes?"

"Have you—" I break off in mid-sentence. There's no return once I have said the continuation of these words.

No...I have noticed already, so I can't return anyway.

"—Have you ever heard of Reina Kamisu?"




I'm sitting on the sofa inside Dr. Mihara's office.

As high as hiding my true reason for staying home was in my list of priorities, I don't care much anymore. I need the counseling. More precisely, I need to talk with Dr. Mihara.

"Hello Atsushi-kun," he says to me as he enters the room.

"Hello," I reply.

He sits down in the seat opposite of me.

"So," he cites the usual phrase, "how have you been?"

I have already prepared an answer to that question.

"A lot happened."

"Oh? Would you mind telling me?"

"Sure, that's why I'm here."

"True," he nods. Because he is a psychotherapist, it is very hard to read his true thoughts from his expression, but I can tell that he has noticed that something in me changed.

"Firstly, I had a dream."

"Oh? What kind of dream?"

He often asks me to tell him about my dreams. I guess he's trying to analyze them and search the depths of my consciousness.

"A dream where I get killed by Reina Kamisu."

Dr. Mihara closely observes my face as I speak, while I observe his, trying to take note of every change.

"Which means that it's that dream in which a girl kills you, right? With a kitchen knife?"

"Yes. Also, doctor, <u>her name is Reina Kamisu</u>."

Gazing closely at me, he replies, "I see."

"Doctor."

"Yes?"

"I have had that dream for a while now, right?"

After giving it some thought, he nods, "That's right."

"It's not hard to see why I would have such a dream: because I haven't come to terms with that incident yet. Correct?"

It seems that I have knocked him somewhat out of his stride.

During all the years of coming here, I have noticed that he never gives me answers. He only listens to me. He tries to help me find an answer myself by listening. That's all he really does. There have been times when I was annoyed by that, but I guess that's just how psychotherapy works.

It must be troublesome from his perspective to be urged to state his own thoughts.

"...I think so," he says, however, after coming to the conclusion that there will be no harm in doing so.

"Is that all?" I ask.

"...All?"

"Is that all of your view on that dream?"

He grumbles deeply and averts his eyes from me. After remaining silent like that for a few seconds, he looks at me again and opens his mouth.

"Atsushi-kun. It is true that I have reflected on your dream and formed my own opinion. That is, however, my personal view and in no way perfect. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"The problem is, Atsushi-kun, that by disclosing my opinion, I might affect <i>your own</i> opinion. You might accidentally confuse my answer as yours. Do you understand the problem that I'm pointing out?"

"Yes. That means that there is no problem if I state my own opinion, right?"

"...I suppose so."

"Fine. I think that my dream is the result of my wish to 'escape'."

"..." He remains silent.

"Let me change the topic a little. I would like to tell you something entirely else that happened this week."

"Go ahead."

"I came across Reina Kamisu again."

"...I see. Just to be sure: we are not talking about that dream here anymore, is that correct?"

"Yes, <u>of course not.</u> This time we didn't only pass by each other, we also talked."

"..."

"Don't you want to know what we talked about?"

"...Yes, please."

"I felt the need to know the reason she killed my family. And that's what I asked her."

"What...what did she reply?"

"She told me that she had no idea."

"Hm..."

"I'm quite sure that she didn't lie to me. Reina Kamisu had a murderous impulse and killed my family. However, there was no deeper reason beside that impulse. At the very least, that's what she seems to think."

Dr. Mihara maintains his silence, unsure how to react.

"I wanted to put an end to that incident by learning about her reasons. I wanted to get a hold of something that could help me come to terms. Yet, my hopes were betrayed. Instead, I will now be forever held captive by my past.

—However, there is something I noticed earlier. Even if, just hypothetically, she had had a proper reason for the murder she committed, <u>I wouldn't have accepted that reason no matter what</u>. I didn't stand a chance against Reina Kamisu from the very start. <u>Because it's plain impossible to pacify the feelings of someone whose family was murdered.</u>"

He is still gazing at me. At last, he reluctantly begins to speak. "Say, Atsushi-kun, where did you meet her?"

"At the McDonalds near the station. <u>In real life, of course.</u>"

With folded arms, he lapses into silence again. Having said everything I wanted to say, I also keep quiet.

Silence. For a while, only meaningless noises reach my ears, like the noise of traffic and the clicking of a clock.

I shall wait for his next words—whatever they may be.

At last, he unfolds his arms and looks deep into my eyes.

"Atsushi-kun... may I ask you a question?" Dr. Mihara asks.

"Sure."

"Earlier, you mentioned that you see your wish to escape in that dream, right?"

"Right."

"Furthermore, you continually emphasized that you met her in <i>real life</i>, right?"

"Right."

"You already know the real answer, don't you, Atsushi-kun? <u>Despite that, you asked me that</u>, is that right?"

"..."

"Okay, Atsushi-kun. Let me confirm this once again."

"...Confirm what?"

"It was a coldblooded murderer who killed your family. What's her name again? Rehna Kamizu?"

"Right. Reina Kamisu. Reina Kamisu slaughtered my family!" I utter agitatedly, confusing the doctor a little.

He remains calm, however, and responds to me, "However—"



"That person does not exist."



While I did expect that answer, it still comes as a shock. My hypothesis proved correct. And as I already knew beforehand, <u>as such it will aggravate my pain</u>.

"That's not true!" I deny. I must.

"Why do you still say that?! You are escaping! That's wrong and you know it!"

"No... that's not true! I know that, I know for a fact that <u>she does exist</u>!"

That's no lie. At least, I don't think it's one.

"Atsushi-kun..."

"Reina Kamisu exists! She's <b>here</b> with us!" I shout.

<i>I have to make sure of it.</i>

Leaving a perplexed Dr. Mihara behind, I turn around and dash out of his office. As I leave the room, I bump into a girl who was waiting for her turn, and tumble over. I jump to my feet, however, and without a word of apology, I head to the place where I can make sure of Reina Kamisu's existence.



While I've never actually been there, I know the address. As I keep running toward that address, I try to regain a cool head. I will need it to confirm the fact I'm seeking, and I should be able to, since I already proved myself by suppressing my anger while talking to Reina Kamisu.

Calm down. First of all, slow down a little. Running your heart out isn't going to change anything; your fate stays all the same.

At last, I manage to regain my composure—just when I arrived at my destination, as chance would have it.

I ring the chime.

"Yes?" someone says after a few moments.

"Urm... my name is Atsushi Kogure. Ah, yes... I'm a classmate of Kyouhei-kun's." As I explain who I am, I look at the nameplate besides the chime.

The plate reads <i>Kimura</i>.



With the meekest expression I can play, I pray at Kimura's altar, since that's what I told his mother I am here for. I must make her believe that we were good buddies. She won't be able to tell unless he previously told her in detail about me.

"It was a... real shock...," I explain to her with a sad face.

I then ramble on about how much I'm supposedly grieved about Kimura's death. It's not that hard: I just have to exaggerate my own feelings, since it's for a fact that I was, as a classmate, shocked by his sudden passing away. His mother nods at my words, a few tears in her eyes. The queasy conscience I get is immediately wiped out in the face of my goal.

"In fact, Mrs. Kimura, I'm here today with a request," I say, finally coming down to business.

"...Yes?"

"I want to know what Kimura-kun thought about in his last hours, what were his worries, and I would like to hear his own, true words. Therefore, may I—"

The odds are for me. For one thing, there have been others who have seen it, otherwise there wouldn't be any rumors, and she doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm deceiving her. I don't see why she would refuse.


"—may I read his suicide note?"